New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
My wife and I just had baby #2 last week. Everything is great and we are very happy. It seems to be a relatively new thing to be offered paternity leave at least at my mega Corp. My company offers 12 weeks and I am reluctant to take it. I just feel weird about it. I am off now and focusing mainly on our 20 month old as my wife recovers from c section. So I need some time, yes.
Everyone I seem to ask says to take it. Both my father and father in law were back to work the following day and run small businesses. They can't offer this type of thing and even they encourage taking it. What do bogleheads suggest? I want to always do my best work and not let anyone down.
Anyone take it? Or not take it? Why? Do you think that subconsciously this makes me look bad?
Everyone I seem to ask says to take it. Both my father and father in law were back to work the following day and run small businesses. They can't offer this type of thing and even they encourage taking it. What do bogleheads suggest? I want to always do my best work and not let anyone down.
Anyone take it? Or not take it? Why? Do you think that subconsciously this makes me look bad?
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Please take it. I took it (14 weeks!) and received a promotion shortly thereafter.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Take it.
This is the best way to prove how valuable you are. If you are never away, no one knows they would miss you if you are not available.
"Do you think that subconsciously this makes me look bad?"
No. If you do not take it, it means that you are not confident that you are valuable to the team.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Everyone in my mega corp takes it. It’d look weird if you don’t.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Take it. All of it.
Your family needs your help at home.
Your family needs your help at home.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
I know some people who take it after the mothers maternity leave is up, that way they can delay daycare and whatnot, but yes, take it.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
It depends.
Do you plan to use the time to co-parent effectively? Will you be doing (more than) your fair share of the house work and child-minding? Will you be taking the time to support your spouse in all of their needs (physical and emotional)? If so, then, yes, you should take the time offered to enable a healthy and happy family.
If you plan to use the time as an extended summer vacation for you, and you alone: then, no, you should not take the time offered.
Paternity leave was originally offered to help normalize expectations regarding maternity leave. Then folks discovered that it is actually a good thing for fathers to be involved in child rearing too. It is a win-win. You should take it.
Do you plan to use the time to co-parent effectively? Will you be doing (more than) your fair share of the house work and child-minding? Will you be taking the time to support your spouse in all of their needs (physical and emotional)? If so, then, yes, you should take the time offered to enable a healthy and happy family.
If you plan to use the time as an extended summer vacation for you, and you alone: then, no, you should not take the time offered.
Paternity leave was originally offered to help normalize expectations regarding maternity leave. Then folks discovered that it is actually a good thing for fathers to be involved in child rearing too. It is a win-win. You should take it.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Take it. I split mine up: some straightaway and the rest after 9 months.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Take it. It makes you look bad if you don't actually.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Why wouldn't you take it?
It sounds like your father and father in-law are both business owners, that is totally different than being a W-2 rank and file at a corporation. It's in the W-2 employee's best interest to leverage all the benefits possible
It sounds like your father and father in-law are both business owners, that is totally different than being a W-2 rank and file at a corporation. It's in the W-2 employee's best interest to leverage all the benefits possible
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
I chose not to take it since I was home all the time in 2020 and our dept had a few other new moms that were out at the same time.
Didn’t matter to me career wise. I just work
Didn’t matter to me career wise. I just work
Mid-40’s
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Depending on the terms available to you, you might want to take part of it part-time. Eg. after the initial period where I was running the show at home while my wife recovered physically from childbirth, we found it more helpful for me to be home a few days a week for a longer period of time rather than home every day for a shorter period of time. But I don't get paternity leave and was using a much shorter period of vacation time + FMLA leave; this strategy might not be beneficial when you get twelve weeks paid paternity leave on its own.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
I’ve never been at a company that offered paternity leave . So good in your employer for doing that.
Every family and situation is different. Sometimes there is a stay at home parent, sometimes there isn’t. Sometimes the mother needs extra time to heal and recover. Just all sorts of things.
Your job should be one of the most important things in your life. But it shouldn’t be the most important thing. Your family should be. So do whatever you need to do to take care of them.
If they need you at home, take the leave. You’re not scamming anybody. Your employer decided this was a good idea. They explicitly endorse this.
A lot of new dads I know probably wouldnt do it though. They’d be much more likely to work “an intermittent schedule”. So they stay home when they need to, and work other times.
Bottom line though, do what you gotta do to take care of your family. Don’t hesitate to use the company sanctioned benefits to do that.
Every family and situation is different. Sometimes there is a stay at home parent, sometimes there isn’t. Sometimes the mother needs extra time to heal and recover. Just all sorts of things.
Your job should be one of the most important things in your life. But it shouldn’t be the most important thing. Your family should be. So do whatever you need to do to take care of them.
If they need you at home, take the leave. You’re not scamming anybody. Your employer decided this was a good idea. They explicitly endorse this.
A lot of new dads I know probably wouldnt do it though. They’d be much more likely to work “an intermittent schedule”. So they stay home when they need to, and work other times.
Bottom line though, do what you gotta do to take care of your family. Don’t hesitate to use the company sanctioned benefits to do that.
Last edited by Normchad on Thu May 26, 2022 8:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Take it. Your wife and children deserve the help. You’re lucky to have the benefit.z06ray wrote: ↑Thu May 26, 2022 8:11 am My wife and I just had baby #2 last week. Everything is great and we are very happy. It seems to be a relatively new thing to be offered paternity leave at least at my mega Corp. My company offers 12 weeks and I am reluctant to take it. I just feel weird about it. I am off now and focusing mainly on our 20 month old as my wife recovers from c section. So I need some time, yes.
Everyone I seem to ask says to take it. Both my father and father in law were back to work the following day and run small businesses. They can't offer this type of thing and even they encourage taking it. What do bogleheads suggest? I want to always do my best work and not let anyone down.
Anyone take it? Or not take it? Why? Do you think that subconsciously this makes me look bad?
Times have changed, parents have fought for this, and you’ll never get the opportunity back.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
There are very few issues like these about which I feel strongly enough to say one side is objectively right and the other wrong, but among the things I really can't understand is the line of thinking that because humans survived as a species doing something some way in the past, it must therefore be wrong to do anything different that could possibly be better. Sure, our male ancestors probably went back to work the day after the delivery, but was that really the RIGHT thing to do? Were the wives always happy about that? Was it optimal for the children's development? "Grandpa didn't even go inside when he dropped grandma off at the hospital" isn't a good reason to not take parental leave. Do your family a favor and just take it. It's a part of your compensation. Take care of your wife and babies.
Edit: Forgot to answer the part about personal experience. We recently had our first child. I took the full 12 weeks off and it was fantastic. Leading up to the delivery, I burnt about 6 or 7 days of PTO accumulation because I was at the cap but didn't want to take off because I felt obligated to finish my work and the deadlines were tight. It turns out that it was quite important to the team and company that I did that, because they depended on that work being done for other tasks while I was out. However, when I got back, I got assigned to work on stuff that has made me miserable and consumed every waking hour at the expense of my mental and physical health as well as time spent with family. I barely saw my daughter the past 2 days. As much as it pains me to say this because it goes against my basic principals, I kind of regret burning the PTO to get that important work done. The thing is my company intentionally plans projects that way, and everything's always going to be behind and super high priority, whether I take time off or not. Feeling good about getting my work done has not been worth the toll on my well-being, and I'm increasingly considering looking for a new job, which ironically will require me to fall behind in this job anyway since I'm already devoting all of my time to this project.
Edit: Forgot to answer the part about personal experience. We recently had our first child. I took the full 12 weeks off and it was fantastic. Leading up to the delivery, I burnt about 6 or 7 days of PTO accumulation because I was at the cap but didn't want to take off because I felt obligated to finish my work and the deadlines were tight. It turns out that it was quite important to the team and company that I did that, because they depended on that work being done for other tasks while I was out. However, when I got back, I got assigned to work on stuff that has made me miserable and consumed every waking hour at the expense of my mental and physical health as well as time spent with family. I barely saw my daughter the past 2 days. As much as it pains me to say this because it goes against my basic principals, I kind of regret burning the PTO to get that important work done. The thing is my company intentionally plans projects that way, and everything's always going to be behind and super high priority, whether I take time off or not. Feeling good about getting my work done has not been worth the toll on my well-being, and I'm increasingly considering looking for a new job, which ironically will require me to fall behind in this job anyway since I'm already devoting all of my time to this project.
Last edited by dboeger1 on Thu May 26, 2022 8:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Even if you don't want to take it, you should do it for others' sake (especially if you are in a management/leadership position), as more fathers taking paternity leave helps to normalize it for other fathers who might want to but feel like they "shouldn't" or "can't".
If you knew a bunch of other co-workers had taken paternity leave, you probably wouldn't feel "weird" about it, would you?
If you knew a bunch of other co-workers had taken paternity leave, you probably wouldn't feel "weird" about it, would you?
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Take it but agree with the other poster that suggested splitting it up if you can. It’s a relatively new benefit at my company too. I believe you have until the baby’s first birthday to use it. I believe most at my company take full advantage. I think I took 3-4 weeks off for each of my kids but that was years ago.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Certainly you can take it without remorse.
You should take whatever you think you need
Beyond that you sort of need to know your position within the organization and the culture in your group
In some situations, people appreciate individuals who “work extra”.
Not everyone does appreciate it.
My direct boss wouldn’t take half a day off and I’m not exaggerating. He thus appreciates people with similar mindset. Since I know that, I take it into consideration when and how much time I take off. That has worked out well for me.
If you just don’t know then at the megacorp level I’d take it.
You should take whatever you think you need
Beyond that you sort of need to know your position within the organization and the culture in your group
In some situations, people appreciate individuals who “work extra”.
Not everyone does appreciate it.
My direct boss wouldn’t take half a day off and I’m not exaggerating. He thus appreciates people with similar mindset. Since I know that, I take it into consideration when and how much time I take off. That has worked out well for me.
If you just don’t know then at the megacorp level I’d take it.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Take it. Not taking it would be prioritizing work over wife, which I'm sure is not your intent. The only situation where I think it is even reasonable to consider not take ng it is if both of the following are true: 1 your 20 month old is in daycare and 2. you feel you can take the nightshift which includes putting 20 mo old to bed, doing night diaper changes, and either feeding baby or bringing baby to wife to breastfeed if she is breast feeding so she does not need to get out of bed. Not getting out of bed really helps with minimizing the impact of night wakings on a mama and getting up is challenging when you've had a C-section.
If your wife had any other major surgery, would you hesitate to take off work? C-sections are so common that I think people forget that they are actually a fairly major surgery. It takes time and rest to recover, which would be exceptionally difficult if she also has to care for a toddler and a newborn full-time.
ETA: I missed the personal experience part. I was a student with my first and my husband was a new professor. He did not take any time off beyond the time at the hospital. It was hard and his work suffered (per student evals who suggested he not have a baby during the semester). We conveniently timed the birth (and life worked out) towards the end of the semester so he took on the bulk of childcare when baby was 3-5 mo old. It was really helpful for me as I was teaching and trying to finish my dissertation. However, I wish he had more time when she was born a recovery was hard, I was drained, and isolated.
For baby 2, he reduced his load, but didn't take time off, though officially he could have. He was at a small company and nobody else had kids so he struggled with it. However, he knew he still needed to help me recover from my C-section which meant he didn't get the sleep he'd need to really perform well. He also struggled with not bonding as much with the baby initially (though that since has changed). Knowing it was his choice to keep working (from home), I still expected help from him at night and in the evenings. Getting in and out of bed after surgery was really hard, but I recovered well and my mental health with his help was far better after baby 2 because I was more rested. I did not have paid maternity leave beyond the short term disability insurance that I paid for, so I went back to work at 8 weeks and then took 4 more unpaid weeks later on when we had a gap in childcare. Our oldest was in daycare as well, so I was able to focus on baby and my recovery in those first 8 weeks.
If your wife had any other major surgery, would you hesitate to take off work? C-sections are so common that I think people forget that they are actually a fairly major surgery. It takes time and rest to recover, which would be exceptionally difficult if she also has to care for a toddler and a newborn full-time.
ETA: I missed the personal experience part. I was a student with my first and my husband was a new professor. He did not take any time off beyond the time at the hospital. It was hard and his work suffered (per student evals who suggested he not have a baby during the semester). We conveniently timed the birth (and life worked out) towards the end of the semester so he took on the bulk of childcare when baby was 3-5 mo old. It was really helpful for me as I was teaching and trying to finish my dissertation. However, I wish he had more time when she was born a recovery was hard, I was drained, and isolated.
For baby 2, he reduced his load, but didn't take time off, though officially he could have. He was at a small company and nobody else had kids so he struggled with it. However, he knew he still needed to help me recover from my C-section which meant he didn't get the sleep he'd need to really perform well. He also struggled with not bonding as much with the baby initially (though that since has changed). Knowing it was his choice to keep working (from home), I still expected help from him at night and in the evenings. Getting in and out of bed after surgery was really hard, but I recovered well and my mental health with his help was far better after baby 2 because I was more rested. I did not have paid maternity leave beyond the short term disability insurance that I paid for, so I went back to work at 8 weeks and then took 4 more unpaid weeks later on when we had a gap in childcare. Our oldest was in daycare as well, so I was able to focus on baby and my recovery in those first 8 weeks.
Last edited by phinanciallyfit on Thu May 26, 2022 10:42 am, edited 2 times in total.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Most people at my work takes 2 weeks.
I took all 7 weeks available to me and they were at half pay. I just didn't do it consecutively. I took 2 weeks per the usual at my mega corp and then every Friday until I ran out. DW remembers I went back to work the next day and reminds me every time the topic is broached that I didn't support her. No amount of discussion will budge or change her mind to what really happened. If I had a choice to do it over again, I'd take all the time, all at once.
I took all 7 weeks available to me and they were at half pay. I just didn't do it consecutively. I took 2 weeks per the usual at my mega corp and then every Friday until I ran out. DW remembers I went back to work the next day and reminds me every time the topic is broached that I didn't support her. No amount of discussion will budge or change her mind to what really happened. If I had a choice to do it over again, I'd take all the time, all at once.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Personally, I think this is a fantastic approach when the post-partum recovery does not involve recovery from surgery. But an alternative would be to split it. 6 weeks while wife is recovering (recovery usually is longer than 6 weeks, but there is much improvement by then) and then 6 weeks after wives maternity leave.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
I get 12 weeks too.
I took 6 weeks right away because newborns...enough said. I also combined it with some leftover vacation that made it 8 weeks total.
Then I took the other 6 weeks later on in a couple chunks (we get 1 year to use the 12 weeks).
I took 6 weeks right away because newborns...enough said. I also combined it with some leftover vacation that made it 8 weeks total.
Then I took the other 6 weeks later on in a couple chunks (we get 1 year to use the 12 weeks).
Last edited by MrJedi on Thu May 26, 2022 9:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
TAKE IT - Not for your child (they will not remember any of this time) but for your wife and yourself.
If any of my employees told me they were not taking it I would walk them out the door and deactivate their badge for 12weeks (only half joking)
That said, I have seen folks work it out where they spread it out over longer periods so say work Tuesday and Thursday and then spread out the leave over a longer period - maybe that would be an option for you?
Edit: Yes, the first thing I would want to know is WHY, they don't want to take it - if its work load - we will work on a plan to put minds at ease but nothing at work is more important then helping raise your child in those times of adjustment
Last edited by T4REngineer on Thu May 26, 2022 8:56 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
I'd take 2 weeks. That's more than generous and more than you need.
One part of me says take it all. Your are paying for it with a lower salary and why let the slackers be the only ones to benefit? Megacorp may fire you in six months anyway.
The other part of me recognizes that 12 weeks leave is crazy ridiculous. As a responsible adult, taking that much would make me feel irresponsible, and I suspect this is what you sense. I agreed to be paid to do needed work. If my employer can get by without me for 12 weeks and not have to hire someone else to replace me, I would have serious questions about how meaningful my work really was.
It's a personal decision of course. But I understand where you're coming from and can also almost understand the rationale behind taking it all.
JT
One part of me says take it all. Your are paying for it with a lower salary and why let the slackers be the only ones to benefit? Megacorp may fire you in six months anyway.
The other part of me recognizes that 12 weeks leave is crazy ridiculous. As a responsible adult, taking that much would make me feel irresponsible, and I suspect this is what you sense. I agreed to be paid to do needed work. If my employer can get by without me for 12 weeks and not have to hire someone else to replace me, I would have serious questions about how meaningful my work really was.
It's a personal decision of course. But I understand where you're coming from and can also almost understand the rationale behind taking it all.
JT
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Take it!! Do you not take your vacation days sick days or holidays or weekends?
You will not be your best at work if exhausted and if you are not exhausted parenting a newborn you are not doing enough at home.
Also are you a manager of a team ? Think of the culture you are creating for your team if you don't ! If you don't you are creating a sexist double standard on your team and a burnout culture. Neither is good.
You will not be your best at work if exhausted and if you are not exhausted parenting a newborn you are not doing enough at home.
Also are you a manager of a team ? Think of the culture you are creating for your team if you don't ! If you don't you are creating a sexist double standard on your team and a burnout culture. Neither is good.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Congratulations on the little one!
Take the paternity leave. I did so when my kids were born almost 20 years ago. Paternity leave was a much more novel thing then.
There was no career impact.
My wife really appreciated it, and it helped us bond as a family.
Take the paternity leave. I did so when my kids were born almost 20 years ago. Paternity leave was a much more novel thing then.
There was no career impact.
My wife really appreciated it, and it helped us bond as a family.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
z06ray wrote: ↑Thu May 26, 2022 8:11 am My wife and I just had baby #2 last week. Everything is great and we are very happy. It seems to be a relatively new thing to be offered paternity leave at least at my mega Corp. My company offers 12 weeks and I am reluctant to take it. I just feel weird about it. I am off now and focusing mainly on our 20 month old as my wife recovers from c section. So I need some time, yes.
Everyone I seem to ask says to take it. Both my father and father in law were back to work the following day and run small businesses. They can't offer this type of thing and even they encourage taking it. What do bogleheads suggest? I want to always do my best work and not let anyone down.
Anyone take it? Or not take it? Why? Do you think that subconsciously this makes me look bad?
Congratulations!
Take the leave. You will never, ever, ever get this time again.
Help your spouse, take care of the older kid, do whatever you need to help.
MegaCorp will exist regardless.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Karma should arrange it that some day you have a c section with a baby and a toddler to take care of, but I imagine you're male.bottlecap wrote: ↑Thu May 26, 2022 8:52 am I'd take 2 weeks. That's more than generous and more than you need.
One part of me says take it all. Your are paying for it with a lower salary and why let the slackers be the only ones to benefit? Megacorp may fire you in six months anyway.
The other part of me recognizes that 12 weeks leave is crazy ridiculous. As a responsible adult, taking that much would make me feel irresponsible, and I suspect this is what you sense. I agreed to be paid to do needed work. If my employer can get by without me for 12 weeks and not have to hire someone else to replace me, I would have serious questions about how meaningful my work really was.
It's a personal decision of course. But I understand where you're coming from and can also almost understand the rationale behind taking it all.
JT
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Any good team can support an employee out for 12weeks - if they can not that teams leader has done the team and company a disservice by setting it up for failure due to any number of potential reasons why a member would be unable to work for 12weeks or longer. The OP agreed to a benefits package (paid to do work as you say) that included 12weeks of leave.bottlecap wrote: ↑Thu May 26, 2022 8:52 am I'd take 2 weeks. That's more than generous and more than you need.
One part of me says take it all. Your are paying for it with a lower salary and why let the slackers be the only ones to benefit? Megacorp may fire you in six months anyway.
The other part of me recognizes that 12 weeks leave is crazy ridiculous. As a responsible adult, taking that much would make me feel irresponsible, and I suspect this is what you sense. I agreed to be paid to do needed work. If my employer can get by without me for 12 weeks and not have to hire someone else to replace me, I would have serious questions about how meaningful my work really was.
It's a personal decision of course. But I understand where you're coming from and can also almost understand the rationale behind taking it all.
JT
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
All of the advice throughout this thread is biased of and subject to personal opinions, of course, but this one stands out for me for its lack of empathy. The resentment of people who are not "responsible adults" like yourself says more about you than it does others.bottlecap wrote: ↑Thu May 26, 2022 8:52 am I'd take 2 weeks. That's more than generous and more than you need.
One part of me says take it all. Your are paying for it with a lower salary and why let the slackers be the only ones to benefit? Megacorp may fire you in six months anyway.
The other part of me recognizes that 12 weeks leave is crazy ridiculous. As a responsible adult, taking that much would make me feel irresponsible, and I suspect this is what you sense. I agreed to be paid to do needed work. If my employer can get by without me for 12 weeks and not have to hire someone else to replace me, I would have serious questions about how meaningful my work really was.
It's a personal decision of course. But I understand where you're coming from and can also almost understand the rationale behind taking it all.
JT
OP will do what they want to do, but please do not assert that using your company-provided benefit to provide support for one's spouse who just had major surgery, and to bond with a newborn child, is "crazy ridiculous."
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Please let us know if you ever have an appendectomy or some other major abdominal surgery so that we can drop off a newborn and toddler for you to care for while you recover. Taking leave isn't about the OP getting time off. It is about him fulfilling his role to help his wife recover and care for HIS kidsbottlecap wrote: ↑Thu May 26, 2022 8:52 am I'd take 2 weeks. That's more than generous and more than you need.
One part of me says take it all. Your are paying for it with a lower salary and why let the slackers be the only ones to benefit? Megacorp may fire you in six months anyway.
The other part of me recognizes that 12 weeks leave is crazy ridiculous. As a responsible adult, taking that much would make me feel irresponsible, and I suspect this is what you sense. I agreed to be paid to do needed work. If my employer can get by without me for 12 weeks and not have to hire someone else to replace me, I would have serious questions about how meaningful my work really was.
It's a personal decision of course. But I understand where you're coming from and can also almost understand the rationale behind taking it all.
JT
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Another vote to take it.
Maybe delay it until after your wife's paternity leave is over. That is a common move in my megacorp.
Maybe delay it until after your wife's paternity leave is over. That is a common move in my megacorp.
Former brokerage operations & mutual fund accountant. I hate risk, which is why I study and embrace it.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Please take it.
Having been through a c-section recovery myself, I know your wife and baby need you at this time. In fact, if you can get a family member or friend to offer extra help, it will lift the burden.
It took me about 10 weeks to feel semi-normal/ comfortable going on short walks. I couldn’t change my son’s diaper kneeling on the floor until then.
Enjoy your paternity leave!!
Having been through a c-section recovery myself, I know your wife and baby need you at this time. In fact, if you can get a family member or friend to offer extra help, it will lift the burden.
It took me about 10 weeks to feel semi-normal/ comfortable going on short walks. I couldn’t change my son’s diaper kneeling on the floor until then.
Enjoy your paternity leave!!
"Your mind has a mind of its own. At the very moment when you are most convinced of your own rationality, you may be feeling rather than thinking your way toward a decision.” |
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
His wife had a C-section, so I wouldn’t advise delaying paternity leave. Recovery time is 8-10 weeks just to get back to normal tasks/ sleeping without discomfort.
"Your mind has a mind of its own. At the very moment when you are most convinced of your own rationality, you may be feeling rather than thinking your way toward a decision.” |
Jason Zweig
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
If anything, not taking it would make you look bad. Why on earth would you not?z06ray wrote: ↑Thu May 26, 2022 8:11 am My wife and I just had baby #2 last week. Everything is great and we are very happy. It seems to be a relatively new thing to be offered paternity leave at least at my mega Corp. My company offers 12 weeks and I am reluctant to take it. I just feel weird about it. I am off now and focusing mainly on our 20 month old as my wife recovers from c section. So I need some time, yes.
Everyone I seem to ask says to take it. Both my father and father in law were back to work the following day and run small businesses. They can't offer this type of thing and even they encourage taking it. What do bogleheads suggest? I want to always do my best work and not let anyone down.
Anyone take it? Or not take it? Why? Do you think that subconsciously this makes me look bad?
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
I vote to take it. Megacorp is not doing you any favors by giving it to you.
In my own career I have not always done the best job setting boundaries between my work and personal life. Good that you are carefully thinking this out.
In my own career I have not always done the best job setting boundaries between my work and personal life. Good that you are carefully thinking this out.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
I missed that. Maybe spit it? My company let me work part time to stretch out the paternity leave.BrownEyedGirl_27 wrote: ↑Thu May 26, 2022 9:21 amHis wife had a C-section, so I wouldn’t advise delaying paternity leave. Recovery time is 8-10 weeks just to get back to normal tasks/ sleeping without discomfort.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
You take it. You take it without hesitation... and congratulations!!!
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
I gave my view above but this board is getting ridiculous about attacking people with other opinions. It’s okay that some people don’t recommend the full 12 weeks.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
I did it, unpaid, for both kids. Not only did my family need me but those are times that I did not want to miss. It had no negative effect on my career.
Nobody knows nothing.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
A further thought: If your company can't handle a planned absence you are not promotable. If your planned absence results in a bit of growing pains but your team shines because of your leadership even in your absence then you show you have great leadership and team building skills and can be promoted
P.s.If baby 3 in a year or two start preparing your team for your absence during the last 3 or 4 months of pregnancy so that they are prepared when you are taking the 12 weeks off
P.s.If baby 3 in a year or two start preparing your team for your absence during the last 3 or 4 months of pregnancy so that they are prepared when you are taking the 12 weeks off
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Take it - I have been at my megacorp for about 3.5 years and have taken two sets of 4 month paternity leave now. In between, I got a promotion, so the first leave certainly didn't hurt me.
My manager has also taken two sets of (slightly longer) maternity leave since I have been here.
This is a personal preference (and my wife did not have a c-section), but we have a year to use the leave and I prefer to save some to the end. If anything pops up, you know you still have leave in case of an emergency and it's something to look forward to.
My manager has also taken two sets of (slightly longer) maternity leave since I have been here.
This is a personal preference (and my wife did not have a c-section), but we have a year to use the leave and I prefer to save some to the end. If anything pops up, you know you still have leave in case of an emergency and it's something to look forward to.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Based on all of the previous responses, I'm sure this will be an unpopular take on the situation . . .
I think the answer depends on where you currently sit in the organization and whether or not you have C-level aspirations. No matter what the execs at your corporation say publicly about their support for families and work-life balance, they are judging you on your commitment to the company every single day. As crummy as it sounds, the people that can't stay late or come in on weekends to support a hot project/deadline because of a family commitment get judged as being less committed. Ask yourself honestly who is going to have the advantage when it comes promotion time--the person that put in the extra hours at the expense of their family or the person that wasn't there.
I think taking 12 weeks of paternity leave would cause some leaders to assess that you value family over career. Only you can answer the question of whether or not that matters to you. If you value family first--take the leave. If you're hoping to sit in a C-suite office someday, maybe limit how much time you take.
I think the answer depends on where you currently sit in the organization and whether or not you have C-level aspirations. No matter what the execs at your corporation say publicly about their support for families and work-life balance, they are judging you on your commitment to the company every single day. As crummy as it sounds, the people that can't stay late or come in on weekends to support a hot project/deadline because of a family commitment get judged as being less committed. Ask yourself honestly who is going to have the advantage when it comes promotion time--the person that put in the extra hours at the expense of their family or the person that wasn't there.
I think taking 12 weeks of paternity leave would cause some leaders to assess that you value family over career. Only you can answer the question of whether or not that matters to you. If you value family first--take the leave. If you're hoping to sit in a C-suite office someday, maybe limit how much time you take.
Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
I still think OP should take his leave, but it would be foolish to discount the reality on which this post shines a light. The close you are to that level, the more heavily scrutinized this decision will be. If you're still several rungs (years) underneath, no one will remember. But just because one might disagree with the sentiment doesn't mean this post isn't true even to some extent.margaritaville wrote: ↑Thu May 26, 2022 9:33 am Based on all of the previous responses, I'm sure this will be an unpopular take on the situation . . .
I think the answer depends on where you currently sit in the organization and whether or not you have C-level aspirations. No matter what the execs at your corporation say publicly about their support for families and work-life balance, they are judging you on your commitment to the company every single day. As crummy as it sounds, the people that can't stay late or come in on weekends to support a hot project/deadline because of a family commitment get judged as being less committed. Ask yourself honestly who is going to have the advantage when it comes promotion time--the person that put in the extra hours at the expense of their family or the person that wasn't there.
I think taking 12 weeks of paternity leave would cause some leaders to assess that you value family over career. Only you can answer the question of whether or not that matters to you. If you value family first--take the leave. If you're hoping to sit in a C-suite office someday, maybe limit how much time you take.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Option 1) take little or no leave to help poor old MegaCorp with the paper shuffling
Option 2) take the full leave to help your wife, who is recovering from a c section, take care of the newborn and first child. Newborns require quite a bit of a work, leaving your wife with little time to look after your first child. Also consider the lack of sleep you and your wife will go through to feed and sooth the newborn in the wee hours of the morning.
I'm conflicted as well.
Option 2) take the full leave to help your wife, who is recovering from a c section, take care of the newborn and first child. Newborns require quite a bit of a work, leaving your wife with little time to look after your first child. Also consider the lack of sleep you and your wife will go through to feed and sooth the newborn in the wee hours of the morning.
I'm conflicted as well.
Last edited by pointyhairedboss on Thu May 26, 2022 9:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Assessments work in both directions. If an employee feels that their employer wasn't supportive of their paternity leave, a perk offered by the employer, than the employee might start looking around for a more supportive employer.margaritaville wrote: ↑Thu May 26, 2022 9:33 am I think taking 12 weeks of paternity leave would cause some leaders to assess that you value family over career. Only you can answer the question of whether or not that matters to you. If you value family first--take the leave. If you're hoping to sit in a C-suite office someday, maybe limit how much time you take.
Employers shouldn't offer benefits that they don't want their employees to take.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
Congratulations! Just adding my voice to the chorus telling you to absolutely take all of the time available to you to help your wife recover and to care for your children.
I would try not to give too much thought (some is natural and understandable) to how others in your workplace will react to taking the time off. A place where you will get a lot of resentment for fulfilling your most important roles as a responsible husband, parent, and human being, is not a place you want to be long term, and the company has already made the business decision to make this time available to people like you (or even those who "need" it less because their wife did not have a C section). Of course, people like that will exist, and sometimes they are in charge of supervising employees, but they do not run companies or business segments that will help you thrive in your career because they are too small minded--and understand people too poorly--to be effective managers.
Like others mentioned above, I received a major promotion in the middle of a 14-week paternity leave, and I know others in my company who did the same.
I would try not to give too much thought (some is natural and understandable) to how others in your workplace will react to taking the time off. A place where you will get a lot of resentment for fulfilling your most important roles as a responsible husband, parent, and human being, is not a place you want to be long term, and the company has already made the business decision to make this time available to people like you (or even those who "need" it less because their wife did not have a C section). Of course, people like that will exist, and sometimes they are in charge of supervising employees, but they do not run companies or business segments that will help you thrive in your career because they are too small minded--and understand people too poorly--to be effective managers.
Like others mentioned above, I received a major promotion in the middle of a 14-week paternity leave, and I know others in my company who did the same.
Last edited by HootingSloth on Thu May 26, 2022 10:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
I'll own a bit of frustration around Paternity leave. Not that I don't think its valuable or that you shouldn't take it, I think you should, my issue is my Mega Corp didn't offer it till a couple years after my youngest was born and it wasn't really offered anywhere when my older kids were born. I'm a little jelous of folks who have this opporunity. You mention its a new benefit in your Mega Corp, this means your manager and team may not have best practices built to cover for you...but that isn't your issue.z06ray wrote: ↑Thu May 26, 2022 8:11 am My wife and I just had baby #2 last week. Everything is great and we are very happy. It seems to be a relatively new thing to be offered paternity leave at least at my mega Corp. My company offers 12 weeks and I am reluctant to take it. I just feel weird about it. I am off now and focusing mainly on our 20 month old as my wife recovers from c section. So I need some time, yes.
Everyone I seem to ask says to take it. Both my father and father in law were back to work the following day and run small businesses. They can't offer this type of thing and even they encourage taking it. What do bogleheads suggest? I want to always do my best work and not let anyone down.
Anyone take it? Or not take it? Why? Do you think that subconsciously this makes me look bad?
The first time I had an employee exercise this leave I was a first line manager. I was supportive of this employees choice to take the leave, now several years later and as a VP level manager I've had multiple team members and members from supporting team take paternity leave. I can't think of any situation where it had a negative or limiting impact to the employee and the peer employees who picked up the slack have appeared very accomdating and accepting.
What I've seen recently, in my corp, is not taking paternity leave at at the same time the mother (assuming a working mother) also was on their STD/FLMA leave. Typically what I've seen is the father take a week maybe two when the baby was born; then around the 3-4 month mark taking their remaining paternity leave so that at least one parent could be home with the baby for the first ~6 months.
I don't think you should feel guilty for taking this leave. I do think this is a good opportunity for you to decide how to best take this leave to benefit the baby, mom and yourself; not just jumping on the leave for the babys first X weeks of life.
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Re: New baby - conflicted on paternity leave??
As a couple of others said don't feel guilty about taking it. It will help normalize the expectations of fathers helping with child care.
I have a 6 month old and a 30 month old. I took the max for each. In fact, I was in the middle of negotiations with a new (now current) employer who wanted me to start two weeks before my first one was due. The parental leave benefit policy states it's for employees who have been with the company for at least one year. The hiring manager got approval to give me the parental leave benefit up front.
I have a 6 month old and a 30 month old. I took the max for each. In fact, I was in the middle of negotiations with a new (now current) employer who wanted me to start two weeks before my first one was due. The parental leave benefit policy states it's for employees who have been with the company for at least one year. The hiring manager got approval to give me the parental leave benefit up front.