Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Non-investing personal finance issues including insurance, credit, real estate, taxes, employment and legal issues such as trusts and wills.
nanciT
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by nanciT »

Joelly

I am so sorry to read your recent update. Can you reach out to the American Cancer Society? There is support for you there and hopefully others who can help you....possibly some counseling and support to help you through

Sending Prayers, Peace and comfort your way
lepegasus
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by lepegasus »

I second the recommendation of others to get in touch with a local hospice organization. They truly are special people doing incredibly important work. Another thought is your husband’s oncologist should be able to set up an opportunity to meet with palliative care physicians who can help to make sure his health and well being are optimized. They are, similar to hospice, really important advocates for individuals in this exact situation. Sending you and your family strength, peace, and blessings.
sctrojan
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by sctrojan »

Have you considered visiting MD Andersen in Houston? It is the top cancer center.

FWIW my dad had stage 4, went to MD Andersen and is now undetectable levels (I would call it cured). In fairness a neighbor also went to MD Andersen with Stage 4 and has since passed.

They do have a lot of experimental therapies which possibly could help.
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beyou
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by beyou »

joelly wrote: Tue Feb 27, 2024 3:06 pm He plans to file for disability but may need to use a lawyer for that.
Sorry for your stressful situation.

Here is another alternative to using a lawyer to help file for SSDI.
https://www.quikaid.com

This consulting firm will take a % of back pay if successful, as would most attorneys.
But I found many attorneys just overloaded with work and not as responsive as one would hope.
This firm does nothing but file and advocate for your case.
They helped by son get approved.

Note even if you have a strong case, it can take a long time.
But there are some covered disabilities that can allow for an expedited process, such as fast moving cancers.

https://www.aarp.org/retirement/social- ... claim.html
https://www.aarp.org/retirement/social- ... -decision/

Best of luck with the treatment and handling it all.
Da5id
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Da5id »

joelly wrote: Wed Dec 25, 2024 3:33 pm Hi Everyone,

The doctors gave up on giving treatments to hubby. Reason: the treatments will harm him more than help him.

Without treatments, hubby has 6 months to live. We have a young daughter. She’s 5 yrs old. My heart breaks for her and hubby. They are very close.

I have a POA and Advanced Medical Directive ready.

Financially, I am scared of raising a daughter by myself but I think I should be able to manage.

I have also combined our bank accounts, etc. I still need to help him close his business, cancel the lease (shouldn’t be a problem as he is a long term tenant), and sell out or donate the inventory.

I plan to file for disability and the survivor benefits from SSN, plus disability from EDD.

He has a life insurance for when the inevitable happens. Should I call them just to ensure payout or not?

I am sad, scared, confused but hoping that God will give him more life to be able to say his proper goodbye to our daughter.

I am looking for anything else that I have to do in his pending demise. I just really distraught on the looming possibility of losing my best friend. I’m trying not to slum down to full depression and despair for the sake of our daughter.

Thanking you all in advance.
Very sorry to hear this.

I don't think you need to call insurance in advance.

Have you done a complete inventory of his retirement funds and made sure beneficiaries are set correctly?

With regard to his doctors giving up, have you sought treatment at an academic hospital with access to ongoing clinical trials? The prospects may be slim but if you and he are interested there may be something out there to try.
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Taylor Larimore
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Taylor Larimore »

Joelly wrote:
We don't have a will, etc. Should we start calling a lawyer to put this together? Please help. My mind is all jumbled up at the moment.
Joelly:

I have had various cancers (now six) for nearly 20 years. One took away my voice. Like your husband, I also endure infusions. I have a loving family and round-the-clock nursing care. I am in a very clean and comfortable adjusted-living home and still enjoy reading and contributing to this forum. Cancer is not the end.

Bottom line: Think positively --but for heaven's sake, prepare a will and do it now--that's basic. The lawyer will probably have other suggestions. which you and your husband may, or may not, follow.

My thoughts are with you.

Best wishes.
Taylor
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slippinsurlies
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by slippinsurlies »

Sorry. Hang tough. Find someone to talk to (a professional?) and build habits that contribute to your resilience.

Check your financial accounts. Ensure that you and your husband are “Joint Owners With Survivorship.” Or, if he is the sole account owner, you need to be listed as the “Beneficiary.”

From what I have read about estate planning, your account owner/beneficiary configuration is at least as important as your will. Even to the point of sometimes overriding contradictory information in a will. If nothing else, it will help you keep access (or quickly regain access) to things you need without having to wait on a judge/court.

My information comes from Estate Planning 101 by Cook and Blacklock. Recommend reading if you have time.
“Don’t do something. Just stand there.” -Jack Bogle
ROIGuy
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by ROIGuy »

I'm so sorry. Make sure all savings and retirement accounts have both your names are on it and (as mentioned above) that you are listed as the beneficiary. Have a list of all his medications and you know how to cancel any of his medications in the future. Check your car titles see if both of your names are on there. This happened to a relative of mine and it just made things more complicated then they needed to be.
Jim Burnham
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Jim Burnham »

Joelly,

One more thought from me: while I hope and pray that your husband recovers, this book by Mike Piper is an excellent guide to assist a surviving spouse in taking their next financial steps. It would be a good book to read in preparation for anyone's losing a spouse.

https://www.amazon.com/After-Death-Your ... 119&sr=8-2

Please be assured that people are praying for you and yours.
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BL
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by BL »

I may have missed it, but just in case your spouse is a veteran, it can be very helpful in a variety of ways (both major and minor) to make contact with the VA and/or your county veterans service officer to see if they have anything that can help. It doesn't matter whether he has been using VA medical services or not, the same assistance might be available. The recent Pact act has especially helped a lot of folks who served in various war zones where Agent Orange, burn pits, etc., resulted in presumptive medical conditions including some cancers.
Here is one link explaining some of this
https://www.va.gov/resources/the-pact-a ... -benefits/
TyrannicalDuncery
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by TyrannicalDuncery »

Good luck!! <3 <3
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joelly
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by joelly »

sailaway wrote: Wed Dec 25, 2024 3:56 pm Did he get around to the will? Your POA ends when he passes. A living trust and/or will should make things easier to handle at that point, especially if you haven't finished disposing of everything business related by then. The details depend on your state and how you own everything.
Yes, he get around to the will. There is also a living trust.
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joelly
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by joelly »

Hi Everyone,

My husband, Joe, passed last week on Tuesday, January 28, 2025. He was in the hospital. He passed at 5 am.

We are devastated. Especially our daughter. She is 5 years old. She has been asking to go visit Daddy in the hospital.

On 1/8/2025, Joe did tell her about his pending death. He said this disease is something that can't be cure. I will die to be with Jesus. Afterwards, you can't talk to me or play with me anymore. You will have your Mom and together you are a family unit. It will be okay because we will see each other again someday. At this time, she was crying hard and screaming at how unfair it is...

Now, she's still looking for him. Last night, she asked me if it's okay for us to go back to the hospital to check if Daddy is truly gone. I incline to do it. I will check with the therapist first. What do you think? Do you have any suggestion for me?

It's really hard to deal with my own grief when I can see how this grief breaks my daughter apart piece by piece.
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mrmass
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by mrmass »

I'm so sorry for your loss. Heartbreaking. I don't have any opinion about taking your daughter to the hospital. My prayers are with you. Stay strong.
sailaway
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by sailaway »

It is likely your daughter has a strong association between her father and the hospital. Do they have a garden you could put a plaque or bench in to visit?
CoAndy
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by CoAndy »

All I can say is that I am so, so very sorry this happened. God bless.
Topic Author
joelly
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by joelly »

Da5id wrote: Thu Dec 26, 2024 6:46 am
joelly wrote: Wed Dec 25, 2024 3:33 pm Hi Everyone,

The doctors gave up on giving treatments to hubby. Reason: the treatments will harm him more than help him.

Without treatments, hubby has 6 months to live. We have a young daughter. She’s 5 yrs old. My heart breaks for her and hubby. They are very close.

I have a POA and Advanced Medical Directive ready.

Financially, I am scared of raising a daughter by myself but I think I should be able to manage.

I have also combined our bank accounts, etc. I still need to help him close his business, cancel the lease (shouldn’t be a problem as he is a long term tenant), and sell out or donate the inventory.

I plan to file for disability and the survivor benefits from SSN, plus disability from EDD.

He has a life insurance for when the inevitable happens. Should I call them just to ensure payout or not?

I am sad, scared, confused but hoping that God will give him more life to be able to say his proper goodbye to our daughter.

I am looking for anything else that I have to do in his pending demise. I just really distraught on the looming possibility of losing my best friend. I’m trying not to slum down to full depression and despair for the sake of our daughter.

Thanking you all in advance.
Very sorry to hear this.

I don't think you need to call insurance in advance.

Have you done a complete inventory of his retirement funds and made sure beneficiaries are set correctly?

With regard to his doctors giving up, have you sought treatment at an academic hospital with access to ongoing clinical trials? The prospects may be slim but if you and he are interested there may be something out there to try.
Yes we did the clinical trial. It didn't work. Then he's not qualify for another clinical trial because his body doesn't produce blood on its own anymore. I mean not enough to qualify for a clinical trial.

I did make sure that the retirement funds are set with me as the beneficiaries.
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joelly
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by joelly »

sailaway wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2025 3:35 pm It is likely your daughter has a strong association between her father and the hospital. Do they have a garden you could put a plaque or bench in to visit?
I don't know if they have something like that. I will ask them.
lgerla
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by lgerla »

Very sorry to hear this. My husband has survived cancer (so far).

Children are concrete thinkers, but I would not return to the hospital right away unless it is very important to her. Reinforce her memories of him in other ways.

My heartfelt condolences.
Afty
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Afty »

I’m so sorry for your loss.
MP173
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by MP173 »

Joelly:

So sorry to hear about your loss. My youngest son was 5 also when my wife passed away of cancer. He is now 30. We survived and actually thrived. Both of my sons are successful and I look back at those years as the most successful of my life. We made it. It wasnt easy. It was work balancing a career with being a single parent. Yes, I was lonely. Yes, my sons missed their mother, but we had each other.

First and foremost, please take care of yourself. Physically and emotionally. The first year will be so difficult. Each holiday will crush you...Valentines Day coming up, Anniversary, Birthdays, Special days (first date, etc), Christmas, New Years Day. Please get thru the first year and find grief counselling. Hug your daughter. Lean on family and friends. My faith helped me.

This is not a pep talk. Far from it. You will face reality like never before. Be strong.

My best to you,

Ed
Wannaretireearly
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Wannaretireearly »

joelly wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2025 3:18 pm Hi Everyone,

My husband, Joe, passed last week on Tuesday, January 28, 2025. He was in the hospital. He passed at 5 am.

We are devastated. Especially our daughter. She is 5 years old. She has been asking to go visit Daddy in the hospital.

On 1/8/2025, Joe did tell her about his pending death. He said this disease is something that can't be cure. I will die to be with Jesus. Afterwards, you can't talk to me or play with me anymore. You will have your Mom and together you are a family unit. It will be okay because we will see each other again someday. At this time, she was crying hard and screaming at how unfair it is...

Now, she's still looking for him. Last night, she asked me if it's okay for us to go back to the hospital to check if Daddy is truly gone. I incline to do it. I will check with the therapist first. What do you think? Do you have any suggestion for me?

It's really hard to deal with my own grief when I can see how this grief breaks my daughter apart piece by piece.
Heartbreaking & so very sorry for your loss.
How about printing a bunch of family pictures and making a picture book or collage? It could help you both.

My father died many years ago and I still like seeing his smiling face in photos. Makes my heart warm.
“At some point you are trading time you will never get back for money you will never spend.“ | “How do you want to spend the best remaining year of your life?“
ROIGuy
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by ROIGuy »

I'm so sorry for you and your daughter's loss. You should first have a conversation with a therapist regarding the best way to handle
her situation and of course anything you are feeling.
tibbitts
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by tibbitts »

Of course everyone is sorry for your situation, but most of us are completely out of our element in commenting on the non-financial aspects. However you might want to start a post to discuss the financial aspects of moving forward.
Da5id
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Da5id »

joelly wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2025 3:18 pm On 1/8/2025, Joe did tell her about his pending death. He said this disease is something that can't be cure. I will die to be with Jesus. Afterwards, you can't talk to me or play with me anymore. You will have your Mom and together you are a family unit. It will be okay because we will see each other again someday. At this time, she was crying hard and screaming at how unfair it is...

Now, she's still looking for him. Last night, she asked me if it's okay for us to go back to the hospital to check if Daddy is truly gone. I incline to do it. I will check with the therapist first. What do you think? Do you have any suggestion for me?
So very sorry to hear about this.

Forums rules make bogleheads not a good place for medical/psychiatric advice.

Consulting her therapist seems like the best bet here. It sounds like your family is religious, experienced clergy generally have experience talking to kids about death and helping them process.

Wish you the best.
nanciT
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by nanciT »

I am so very sorry for the Loss of your Husband, and your daughters loss of her father. Sending Peace and Comfort to you both.

Nancy
Longdog
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Longdog »

I'd like to add my condolences on the loss of your hubby, and the sadness and pain you and your daughter are going through. Truly heartbreaking.
Steve
lepegasus
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by lepegasus »

I’m so sorry to read this. I send my deepest condolences, prayers, and peace to your daughter and you today and in the days to come.
fsrph
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by fsrph »

I am so sorry to hear about your husband. My heartfelt condolences to you, your daughter and your family. My heart goes out to your daughter. Blessings and love to you all.

Francis
"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get." | Dale Carnegie
fyre4ce
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by fyre4ce »

I was brought to tears reading this. I’m so sorry for you and your family, especially your daughter. I have a child around that age and it breaks my heart to think of a child losing a parent. Please accept my deepest condolences.
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quantAndHold
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by quantAndHold »

I am so sorry for your loss. If he was on hospice, hospice provides grief support for the entire family. Even if he wasn’t on hospice, many hospices have grief support groups, and your loved one didn’t need to be a patient of theirs. His oncology office probably also has a social worker who can hook you up with grief support. Those things are well worth looking into, for both you and your daughter. My experience has been that initially, I was okay, but a couple of months down the road, when it really started sinking in that they weren’t there, was when I needed someone to talk to.
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cchrissyy
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by cchrissyy »

sorry for your loss

i don't know if everywhere has this but when my child was hospitalized with cancer treatment, there was a social worker and a counselor who were specifically there to work with the patient's families. so i suggest you call the hospital or ongology clinic to ask for that help.
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WonderWander
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by WonderWander »

Very sorry for your loss!
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joelly
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by joelly »

MP173 wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2025 4:05 pm Joelly:

So sorry to hear about your loss. My youngest son was 5 also when my wife passed away of cancer. He is now 30. We survived and actually thrived. Both of my sons are successful and I look back at those years as the most successful of my life. We made it. It wasnt easy. It was work balancing a career with being a single parent. Yes, I was lonely. Yes, my sons missed their mother, but we had each other.

First and foremost, please take care of yourself. Physically and emotionally. The first year will be so difficult. Each holiday will crush you...Valentines Day coming up, Anniversary, Birthdays, Special days (first date, etc), Christmas, New Years Day. Please get thru the first year and find grief counselling. Hug your daughter. Lean on family and friends. My faith helped me.

This is not a pep talk. Far from it. You will face reality like never before. Be strong.

My best to you,

Ed
Hi Ed,

Thank you for sharing this. This comforts me.

-joelly
Topic Author
joelly
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by joelly »

tibbitts wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2025 6:09 pm Of course everyone is sorry for your situation, but most of us are completely out of our element in commenting on the non-financial aspects. However you might want to start a post to discuss the financial aspects of moving forward.
Thank you for the reminder. I will post the financial aspects of this once things are settled (i.e. funeral, etc).

-joelly
ScubaHogg
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by ScubaHogg »

joelly wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2025 3:18 pm Hi Everyone,

My husband, Joe, passed last week on Tuesday, January 28, 2025. He was in the hospital. He passed at 5 am.

We are devastated. Especially our daughter. She is 5 years old. She has been asking to go visit Daddy in the hospital.

On 1/8/2025, Joe did tell her about his pending death. He said this disease is something that can't be cure. I will die to be with Jesus. Afterwards, you can't talk to me or play with me anymore. You will have your Mom and together you are a family unit. It will be okay because we will see each other again someday. At this time, she was crying hard and screaming at how unfair it is...

Now, she's still looking for him. Last night, she asked me if it's okay for us to go back to the hospital to check if Daddy is truly gone. I incline to do it. I will check with the therapist first. What do you think? Do you have any suggestion for me?

It's really hard to deal with my own grief when I can see how this grief breaks my daughter apart piece by piece.
OP, I am so sorry. I teared up reading this. We have two boys around your daughters age and it breaks my heart even having too imagine telling them Mom wasn’t coming home.

I don’t know if it helps but I’ll share anyway on the off chance it provides a little solace with regards your daughter

I was close to her age when my Mom suddenly and unexpectedly passed. It sucked but it didn’t ruin my childhood at all. I still had a pretty normal childhood with normal ups and downs. And In what must have seemed like a moment to an adult, it just became something that happened to me in the “distant” past and wasn’t that painful

Also, 3 of my nieces and nephews lost their father to cancer at a young age. It sucked but they are all now happy, healthy and successful adults.

I don’t know how to close so I’ll just say I’m sorry again
“You can have a stable principal value or a stable income stream but not both" | - In Pursuit of the Perfect Portfolio
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White Coat Investor
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by White Coat Investor »

joelly wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2025 3:18 pm Hi Everyone,

My husband, Joe, passed last week on Tuesday, January 28, 2025. He was in the hospital. He passed at 5 am.

We are devastated. Especially our daughter. She is 5 years old. She has been asking to go visit Daddy in the hospital.

On 1/8/2025, Joe did tell her about his pending death. He said this disease is something that can't be cure. I will die to be with Jesus. Afterwards, you can't talk to me or play with me anymore. You will have your Mom and together you are a family unit. It will be okay because we will see each other again someday. At this time, she was crying hard and screaming at how unfair it is...

Now, she's still looking for him. Last night, she asked me if it's okay for us to go back to the hospital to check if Daddy is truly gone. I incline to do it. I will check with the therapist first. What do you think? Do you have any suggestion for me?

It's really hard to deal with my own grief when I can see how this grief breaks my daughter apart piece by piece.
I'm sorry for your loss. Today I'm helping a neighbor make funeral arrangements for his wife who just died of cancer this weekend. There is nothing easy about any of this. It's okay not to be okay right now. It sounds like you are people of faith. Lean on that right now. Your separation is temporary.
1) Invest you must 2) Time is your friend 3) Impulse is your enemy | 4) Basic arithmetic works 5) Stick to simplicity 6) Stay the course
JayB
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by JayB »

joelly wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2025 3:18 pm Hi Everyone,

My husband, Joe, passed last week on Tuesday, January 28, 2025. He was in the hospital. He passed at 5 am.

We are devastated. Especially our daughter. She is 5 years old. She has been asking to go visit Daddy in the hospital.

On 1/8/2025, Joe did tell her about his pending death. He said this disease is something that can't be cure. I will die to be with Jesus. Afterwards, you can't talk to me or play with me anymore. You will have your Mom and together you are a family unit. It will be okay because we will see each other again someday. At this time, she was crying hard and screaming at how unfair it is...

Now, she's still looking for him. Last night, she asked me if it's okay for us to go back to the hospital to check if Daddy is truly gone. I incline to do it. I will check with the therapist first. What do you think? Do you have any suggestion for me?

It's really hard to deal with my own grief when I can see how this grief breaks my daughter apart piece by piece.
Lots of lovingkindness to you! It's probably impossible to imagine what's on the other side of such grief (it often feels bottomless), but the fact that you are sharing with the BH community indicates to me that you will move through and past this with a resilience that you didn't know you had. My suggestions: no big decisions soon, let the grief and sense of emptiness be (in all their forms and intensities), and where possible, lean into gratitude for the blessings you had as well as the ones you still have. Your daughter will pick this up from you and probably grow up to become an amazingly emotionally capable adult.
doobiedoo
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by doobiedoo »

joelly wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2025 3:18 pm My husband, Joe, passed last week on Tuesday, January 28, 2025. He was in the hospital. He passed at 5 am.
We are devastated. Especially our daughter. She is 5 years old. She has been asking to go visit Daddy in the hospital.

On 1/8/2025, Joe did tell her about his pending death. He said this disease is something that can't be cure. I will die to be with Jesus. Afterwards, you can't talk to me or play with me anymore. You will have your Mom and together you are a family unit. It will be okay because we will see each other again someday. At this time, she was crying hard and screaming at how unfair it is...

Now, she's still looking for him. Last night, she asked me if it's okay for us to go back to the hospital to check if Daddy is truly gone. I incline to do it. I will check with the therapist first. What do you think? Do you have any suggestion for me?

It's really hard to deal with my own grief when I can see how this grief breaks my daughter apart piece by piece.
I'm crying as I read this. I don't know what to say.
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