Any Practical Advice for Parents of Rising College Freshman

[Parkinglotracer]

They may be / will be having sex, drinking a lot, buying buddies adhd drugs to use during finals, doing other illegal drugs, buying fake ids that scan real that tsa doesn’t like, etc so if you haven’t had an adult discussion with them as of late about these things you might consider easing into it. Some % of illegal drug use may cause psychosis/ mental illness. If you see the symptoms don’t wait to get them help and stop the drug use. Sometimes no drug use can have same symptoms.

Wife and I have never tasted alcohol or consumed a non-prescription drug in or lives nor partook in the other mentioned activities. My daughter's biological father is a drug addict who has had his life ruined by substance abuse, we have multiple siblings on both sides who are pretty extreme alcoholics (including my brother who lost a leg as a result of a drunk driving accident and still has drinking problems 15yrs later), and my kids have teenage cousins with drug issues - they've been around it since they were born, we had to have the conversations when they were just a few years old, and they have very strong opinions. Considering the circumstances, I would certainly hope this isn't an issue with them, but I guess you can never know. I saw a lot more drug/alcohol use just growing up than I did in college, but my experience probably wasn't normal.

Me too. Mom died of an alcohol / sleeping pill overdose when I was 9. Few ever look back in life and think I should have drank / done more drugs when I was younger. Terrible price we pay as a society.

[stoptothink]

...I would appreciate any practical advice from those who have made this transition.

Explain to them that the expectation that "college will be the time of your life" is just marketing from the colleges themselves.

It may well be the time of their life, sometimes, but it will also be hard and lonely at times. That doesn't mean they're doing anything wrong, or that they're at the wrong college.

We need a clapping emoji...

This is a pretty constant debate in college threads. I fall on the side that all the best times in my life occurred in the real world (and I certainly don't feel like I did the academia thing wrong) and wife and I are in 100% agreement that the kids don't get a blank check so they can attempt to make college the time of their lives.

[DarthSage]

I mentioned the "bin o' crap" upthread. One of the things I put in there was 2 boxes of condoms. My DD was a late bloomer--hadn't even kissed a boy before she left for college--but you just never know. She also has a latex allergy--I didn't want her to get the world's worst rash in the world's worst place. So, I got her some latex-free condoms, and then a box of regular ones to pass out to friends. Ironically, these were the first things used from the bin o' crap.

She did use the latex-free ones...as balloons. Some honors project required blowing up balloons, which she couldn't do due to the latex, so she grabbed her latex-free condoms. College kids!

[Capsu78]

When my girls were in college I was in an industry that involved "preparedness". I gave each of my kids $200 in singles, $5's and $10's that I vacuum sealed with explicit instructions that this was an emergency fund to only be used for a serious emergency like ATM's were down. I didn't find out until daughter 2 graduated college that DD 2 called DD 1 to ask "What's up with this cash Dad gave me for an emergency fund?". DD1 advised her "... Oh just spend it...my emergency was needing to pay for a pizza delivery at 2AM one night." They kept it a secret from me until I caught them "having a laugh" at my expense!

[Capsu78]

Oh, and your son will NEVER come home to visit on holidays without bringing every piece of clothing you sent with them, dirty. Get them a good laundry bag or two for that to occur without the use of garbage bags!
My oldest DD called Mom in November of her freshman year and said "...I guess I'm officially in college now. I had to wear my swimsuit bottoms for underwear to class today."
It will be one of my life great pleasures watching her send her now teen daughter off to college.

[texasdiver]

My wife and I were both dead against our son joining a fraternity (wife was in sorority in college, I was not). He called about a week into school asking if he could join one. To top it off he said he had to tell them his decision by midnight that night! We both made our arguments against, and whether he believed it or not he made a sound argument for, so we relented with the stipulation he had to pay the dues, etc. He ended up getting a job to earn extra money and it worked out great. He made some really good friends, had some leadership opportunities and if he did any really stupid stuff, it wasn’t stupid enough to come to my attention.

Our son knew my feelings about fraternities. He was stubborn and joined, eventually discovered that getting out of a fraternity is almost as difficult as getting out of a timeshare.

My daughter found it very easy to get out of her big SEC school sorority. Just stop paying the fees and stop showing up for "obligatory" meetings and such.

[cockersx3]

There was a good post last year on this topic - recommend you check that out as well for more tips.

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[Michael Patrick]

My daughter is a junior. Here's a couple of the things she did to get a jump start on college:

1) Found a Facebook group for incoming freshman in her major a few months before the start of the first semester. She knew a number of her classmates long before she moved into the dorm. She had even lined up a roommate with the same major.

2) Talked to students she knew from her high school that were a year ahead of her and had started at the same college the year before. She got valuable insight on meal plans plus other campus knowledge.

As far as advice for parents... Letting go is hard, but it is also necessary. We didn't try to mandate a specific number of calls home or anything like that. We found a natural rhythm of contact. She would send me texts for things like when they played my favorite song in the cafeteria, and I'd text her with stupid dad jokes and sports trash talk. We'd talk on the phone or via Zoom when there was news on either end.

[texasdiver]

After sending two kids to college, have have a few short pieces of advice

1. Don't overbuy computers. They will be carrying their laptop around to class, cafes, libraries, and such. One daughter had hers accidentally knocked off a library table onto a tile floor that shattered the screen. Everything is online through Canvas and such so doesn't really matter whether PC or Mac. Whatever they like. Just don't have your kid walking around campus with some $2800 latest and greatest computer that could easily end up damaged or stolen.

2. Don't overbuy meal plans. You can ALWAYs kick up to a higher plan. They will always take more money. But you usually can't drop to a lower one.

3. Sort out your financial obligations vis a vis allowance etc. and stick with it. I was paying a full meal plan for one daughter who would constantly skip breakfast (that I had paid for) and pick up a muffin and latte at Starbucks on the way to class for $10 and then always be out of money. Yeah, not paying for that.

4. Avoid sending a car with them if possible. At many schools the car will mostly just gather rust in some remote parking lot and rarely get used. You can always try one semester carless and find out how important it really was.

5. Let them solve their own problems. The Facebook parents group for my daughter's current school is full of moms writing in with things like "My son has hard to manage curly hair, can anyone recommend a good barber in the area?" Let your kid figure out how to cut his own hair and most other "adulting" tasks.

6. Don't buy too much stuff. Dorms are small and moving junk is a pain. Girls are worse than boys I think. Being a little Spartan in college is a good thing.

[blueberrypi]

Find a way to make friends. Sports team, campus club, etc. I'm the furthest thing from a fraternity person but I get the appeal of them for networking and having a social group. I was on a sports team all four years and was never without a group to eat meals with or do stuff on the weekends.

Start with a goal in mind. Even if you're not crazy about a particular major, being employable at graduation (a real job with health insurance, etc.) is super important. I failed at this and was in the career wilderness for several years. Fortunately I had family help (no loans) and turned things around.

[Diluted Waters]

1. There in only one chance to do this: choose classes they know they can do well in, work like hell and get a high gpa the first semester. Then party later on.

An initial high gpa will be hard to move as more hours and harder classes factor into it. But if they party first and get a low initial gpa, it will be very difficult to move it up from there. Just the way averages work. I wish someone had pointed this out to me when I started. It seems obvious, but when one is 18, nothing much is obvious.

2. Store all class work, notes and assignments in the cloud and back them up on their computer. Not the other way around. Otherwise they’re one theft or electronic failure from disaster.

3. Full-disk encrypt and automatically ALWAYS lock their computer when unattended. If you don’t have physical security you don’t have security.

[ReadyOne]

Deleted

[DarthSage]

My only comment on ReadyOne's post above--for some kids, 2 m2als per day may not be enough for some kids, especially athletes. It was plenty for my DD. These days, many meal plans include meal "swipes" at the dining hall, plus school "Buck$" for purchasing items at the convenience store on campus. In addition, many food places, on or near campus, will take swipes for a meal (Subway, Chick-Fil-A, whatever). You really need to think about how your child would be best served. My DD might have a granola bar for breakfast and be good. My older DD, when she was in HS, ran cross-country and took 8 dance classes a week--she ate CONSTANTLY, and was still super skinny. She didn't like big meals, but snacked throughout the day and night.

[DarthSage]

Sorry, one other thought. I wouldn't insist on a daily text. Sometimes, I hear from my kids 8 times a day, sometimes there's radio silence for a few days. Both are normal--it's just how kids are these days. If you haven't heard from your child in a couple days and are concerned, send them a picture of a family pet doing something silly. It comes across much less helicopter-y than "Are you okay?"

[jackholloway]

DDs school allows buying up a meal plan, but not down. It also includes some flex dollars that can be used for meal swipes at the dining hall, or at the local coffee shop and sandwich shop. Most kids get the 14 meal plan. We told our frosh that they could buy up to the 19 or 21 meal plan if they wanted, but thus far, they have not wanted to.

Your offspring may not yet realize how the textbook economy works, and that not all books are actually required. They also have not been allowed to write in a book, so may not have a good study pattern that makes full use. Also, textbooks are very expensive - $150 for a book and $150 for the student answer book is not out of line.

We bought an M2 MacBook air before the first year, and an M2 iPad for them during it, as that's what most of the people who can afford it use for homework.

Walk them through health insurance, covered providers, and when to call 911 vs being transported.

Get them a Lyft account.

Make sure they are connected with their classmates on social media, but also know when not to be. At their school, discord is The Way.

Don't send all that much stuff. We sent one carload, including a fridge. The room is pretty small, so sending even less would have been a good idea.

[Capsu78]

OK, now for something fun about sending your child off to be a Freshman. As parents you may be invited to a "parent orientation" a few weeks before dropping off. My wife and I went around the campus on this visit and took "happy" pictures of us at various campus landmarks. This was pre-selfie so we would mail her an encouraging "Proud of you" "Knock their socks off"... "Don't forget to be Awesome" letter with a random campus photo of us they had never seen before. DD said she loved finding an actual physical letter and on campus picture of us, even though she was in constant email contact.

[Valuethinker]

The college selection process has come to the end and my son has made his selection (fortunately at an instate school that even offered him a scholarship). His school is about 6 hours away from us in a pretty rural setting. I would appreciate any practical advice from those who have made this transition.

• Make sure they know it's OK to try things, and to fail.

• It's often the case that we don't have the right major (I certainly did not, for my first degree, and it landed me in what, for me, was definitely the wrong career).

• Academic failure (which they may never have experienced before) is part of the process and is not a judgement against their worth as a human being, nor even their future income (If they are Pre Med, it might be, but one doesn't have to go to <insert big name> medical school). The sorting out to identify the top 0.5% of people academically who go on to further study in their field is a brutal one. If they do go on to do graduate work, it's often not the best minds who "stay the course" and go-the-distance. It takes a very particular sort of person to get a PhD and to be a successful researcher.

• It's OK to feel lost in the crowd, and lonely.

• It's OK to feel overwhelmed by the work, and the speed of inculcation of new knowledge - it's not "high school on steroids". Undergrad is the most intellectually intense experience I have ever had, looking back on the perspective of 40 years.

• Professors will often be indifferent lecturers, and not that interested in undergraduates. Professordom is a lonely business and very high pressure these days. Many of their courses will be taught by adjuncts on very low salaries, 9 month contracts w no benefits.

• You will make friends. But they won't all stick. 1 or 2 may last you another 40+ years.

• First romantic partners are seldom the ones who you take with you over the next 40 years. It would be nice if that were the case, but it is not, usually. Lots of met "the first day of Freshman year" did get married, and are now divorced. The breakee (v the breaker) will always feel a lot more pain, and it may feel like the world is ending. It is not and it sometimes can be a lucky escape. I changed profession and country, which is perhaps a bit extreme, but it has worked out.

• It's OK for them to do stupid things. Academically, socially. It's part of the learning experience - I still wince at some of the things I said and did.

The suicide rate of university students is not pretty. Make sure that they know they can always call you for help-- there's never a moment of day or night that you will not take that call, and that you have their back, no matter what they have done or what has happened. (The extreme cases of committing crimes etc we can fairly discount).

[Valuethinker]

Sorry, one other thought. I wouldn't insist on a daily text. Sometimes, I hear from my kids 8 times a day, sometimes there's radio silence for a few days. Both are normal--it's just how kids are these days. If you haven't heard from your child in a couple days and are concerned, send them a picture of a family pet doing something silly. It comes across much less helicopter-y than "Are you okay?"

Good advice.

A WhatsApp or Signal channel with both parents & the child is handy. Then one can ping them, and wait for them to reply (aeons later...).

This is the launchpad, and at some point it is "Apollo. This is Houston Ground Control. You are good to go". During their passage through space, there will be times when they are on the Far Side of the Moon... and Ground Control will just have to tap its fingers and wait for the call.

[Jags4186]

Regarding meal plans, unless your child is of a special breed they will never go to the dining hall for breakfast just because they won’t be getting up early enough. Keep that in mind when choosing the number of plans — 14 meals a week is probably more than enough. You could even go down to 12 with the idea that they would go out on weekends for 2 of their meals.

Since your kid is going to a state school I would highly encourage them to get involved in something. You have to shrink a school of 15k+ kids down to a few hundred in order to make relationships.

As someone else said, don’t rely on a roommate friendship. I would wager I slept in the room with my roommate less than 15 total nights my 1st year. No idea where he was.

[CPA without a cause]

make sure you tell him college should be fun and he should go to parties, stay out late on weekends, and try to meet as many people as he can...while still getting good grades.

i'm 34...i make great money, own a beautiful house, have 3 pets i love, go on awesome vacations, have great friends... and i still miss college. every. single. day. there is just no other chance in life after college to mingle around so many other people with significant free time your own age on a constant basis.