Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

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ThankYouJack
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by ThankYouJack » Mon Jan 07, 2019 9:59 pm

Would also be interesting to hear about spacing. I don't think I'd want 3, 3 years and under. But having kids say 6 years old, 3 years old and a newborn seems much more manageable. Also, I wouldn't want to have a house full of 5 and then be empty nesters 3 years later when they're all off at college. So I personally would prefer spacing them out (mine are 5 and 2) but I know others prefer having kids closer in age.

overthought
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by overthought » Mon Jan 07, 2019 10:35 pm

ThankYouJack wrote:
Mon Jan 07, 2019 9:59 pm
Would also be interesting to hear about spacing. I don't think I'd want 3, 3 years and under. But having kids say 6 years old, 3 years old and a newborn seems much more manageable. Also, I wouldn't want to have a house full of 5 and then be empty nesters 3 years later when they're all off at college. So I personally would prefer spacing them out (mine are 5 and 2) but I know others prefer having kids closer in age.
Yeah, that definitely seems to make things easier. Mine are all 2-3 years apart, for example, so we've never had two in diapers at once, and at most two not-yet-in-school age. Can't say we actually thought that through in advance, it just happened that way. I've seen the extremes tho... a relative has four under age five, exactly as planned, and I was surprised how often I've seen families with 2-3 kids spaced 10 years apart (again, exactly as planned, the parents wanted a serial "only child" experience).

Have to agree with several other posters: If you love 'em and take care of 'em, they'll be a blessing in your life however the numbers and bunching work out, and the money will be what it is along the way.

clutchied
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by clutchied » Tue Jan 08, 2019 2:22 pm

37 wife and 38 myself.

I wanted more kids but my wife was not onboard so we have 2. they are wonderful. I have come to terms with not having 3 but I was and am not happy about it.

All of my friends that have 3 kids; the 3rd was an accident.

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Elsebet
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by Elsebet » Tue Jan 08, 2019 3:59 pm

I'm the baby of the family, my parents had me at 42 (mom) / 45 (dad). I get the impression that I was an accident. Since you truly like family/children I don't think this will be your issue, but I definitely got the short end of my parent's waning energy/attention. My oldest brother is much more positive about interactions with my parents than I am. My father took my brothers hunting/fishing but by the time I was that age he was not in good enough shape to do much of the same with me. My mom wanted to do things with her friends and was probably tired of a third round of being a mom to a young child at age 50. If you take good care of yourself this may not be as much of an issue.

I will say I got more "stuff" than my brothers did in return but I think I would have rather had the experiences.

Also I'll comment about the spacing. My brothers are 3 years apart, I am 7 years apart from the middle brother (now deceased) and 10 years from the oldest. I felt like an only child most of the time since my brothers were not in school at the same time as me and we didn't interact much other than them messing with me in the normal way. By the time I was 11 both brothers were out of the house most of the time so I didn't get to know them like I imagine more closely spaced siblings do. I definitely don't have a good relationship with my oldest brother at all.

Just to note I'm not bitter about it, just stating what happened in my case.
"...the man who adapts himself to his slender means and makes himself wealthy on a little sum, is the truly rich man..." ~Seneca

JBTX
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by JBTX » Tue Jan 08, 2019 4:27 pm

There seems to be some correlation with having special needs kids as parents get older. While unlikely, if you have a special needs kid the attention your other two will get will decrease dramatically.

Also, while there are benefits to having kids while a little older, such as financial, when you get in your mid 50's and have teenagers, it can be a challenge. I think you lose a little bit of the natural energy for such things when you hit your 50's.

Take_Five
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by Take_Five » Tue Jan 08, 2019 5:59 pm

We have 3 boys - ages 16, 14, and 10 (my wife was 36 when carrying the last.) I had always envisioned only having 2 kids - I have a sister, all of my Aunts and Uncles had two kids... family of four just seemed right. However, my wife talked me into the third - the prime reasoning being that she is an only child, her parents are overseas, my parents are gone, we have no family in the state in which we live. Thus our little nuclear family is all that we've got locally - it just seemed like a little bigger family made sense. I gave in and I don't regret it. How this affected us:

1.) Had to change our defensive scheme from Man to Zone. :D Not really a big deal for us, as my wife was already a SAHM. At times, it can be overwhelming, but as they got a little older, we could tag the older ones with responsibilities in helping with the little guy.

2.) Financially, we were lucky that I had (and still have) a job that affords us our lifestyle, even with her at home. We don't drive fancy cars, but I max our retirement savings, can save significantly for college for all 3, and we take a nice family vacation every year (Europe to see the grandparents every other year.) We are frugal compared to most of our friends, but not to the extent that we won't enjoy going out to dinner or family night at the movies. I disagree with one sentiment expressed earlier - that the third child makes things alot more expensive. Actually, I would say the third is relatively less expensive. He has inherited lots of clothes, toys, computers, tablets, bikes from his older brothers that he is ecstatic about (we make sure to treat him to original stuff too) but the savings is significant. Many hotels have pull out couch or will provide a cot at no extra charge. Minivan is a must, but I think that's the case with two anyway. We're lucky to have had VPK and great public schools in our area, so tuition was not a concern.

3.) The dynamic among the three boys is really completed by the third. The older two would gladly kill each other given the chance. The little guy is like the glue that keeps either of those two together. They each love their little brother and have unique relationships.

4.) On the negative side, the middle child syndrome is real and can be difficult. Be aware and attentive and be sure to address problems as they arise.

An additional thought on the college savings front; I saved for all three (529, etc.) and my wife and I place high importance on education; though it's become apparent that although the eldest is most certainly college bound, and the little guy is quite studious with professional aspirations, perhaps the middle guy is not interested in going to a university or maybe even post-HS study. While anything can happen, it has been a good life / parenting lesson for my wife and I that they are not necessarily going to follow the path you would choose or even guide them along - they are definitely unique individuals and you only have so much influence. This applies not just to 3 kids, but any number.
Last edited by Take_Five on Tue Jan 08, 2019 6:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.

DrGoogle2017
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by DrGoogle2017 » Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:32 pm

I went to a dermatologist today and he has 8 kids, make 3 kids seems small in comparison.

getthatmarshmallow
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by getthatmarshmallow » Tue Jan 08, 2019 9:43 pm

No advice, just well wishes. I think we're done at two, a little older than you. A third child is a lifestyle upgrade as many people have suggested, but it's overwhelmed in our case by the fact that I'm nearly 40 (yikes), and I don't think I have another one physically in me. I don't think I've slept in six years. We also wound up with two perfect, healthy kids, and we feel like we'd tempt fate with a third.

But I also don't know anyone who regrets having a third kid, even if they recognize the financial cost. I think we probably would, were I younger.

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TxAg
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by TxAg » Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:01 pm

staythecourse wrote:
Mon Jan 07, 2019 2:26 pm
We thought about a third for a little while. Our second has developed some odd vomiting issue that was quite hard to diagnose and treat. The time spent and emotional time spent on it causing us to neglect the first a bit was enough to realize we couldn't have a third and give the same attention.

Some uncomfortable discussions you have to have if you are really considering it are 1. What will you do if you are set on a girl and end up with another boy, 2. What will you do if it ends up twins, and 3. How will you feel and affect the rest of the family forever if it is a special needs child? These are not comfortable discussions to have but are the pragmatic ones to have.

For me and my wife, we discussed if we choose to have a third in the future we would rather adopt. This way you get the gender you want, don't have to go through the baby phase, and help society in a meaningful way.

Good luck.

Same page here

Bacchus01
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by Bacchus01 » Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:03 pm

So much has been said that I’ll just echo some things and share personal experience. We have three boys aged 17, 13, and 10. We’d have 10 if we could. 2 to 3 was not stressful or hugely impactful financially. We were ages 35(me) and 40(wife) when the youngest was born. We have no issue with knowing that we’ll be 55-60 before our youngest is fully independent.

Some things brought up:
- Cars, you’ll need a bigger one. Loading two kids and stuff in a sedan for the weekend is doable. Adding another car seat and all the rest? SUV of minivan time.
- Hotel rooms - this one is the most inconvenient and costly, especially as they get older. When young you can sneak an extra kid in and sleep them on the couch or a set of pillows. When they are the age of our kids, it means getting a suite or two rooms. Vacation costs to resorts about double with the addition of family member number 5. Example, we just went to Riviera Maya. A room for four people all inclusive was about $2500 (+flights). A suite for 5 was $5000 (+flights). So we upgraded to a 2,500 sq ft suite for another $1,500 beyond that.
- Reataurants - this can be another pain. Restaurants have lots of tables configured for 2 couples. 5? Not so much. Expect to wait longer without a reservation and reservations are harder to get.
- Football tickets (or any sporting event) - packages of 2 or 4 are really easy to get. 5? Very difficult and you might end up buying 6 just to get 5.
- Cabs/Uber - guess how many people fit in most cabs or Uber? Yep, 4. 5 means an suv or luxury vehicle usually and that adds cost.
- Amusement parks - want to ride with each kid on a ride? Forget it, you now have 3.

Bacchus01
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by Bacchus01 » Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:07 pm

ThankYouJack wrote:
Mon Jan 07, 2019 9:59 pm
Would also be interesting to hear about spacing. I don't think I'd want 3, 3 years and under. But having kids say 6 years old, 3 years old and a newborn seems much more manageable. Also, I wouldn't want to have a house full of 5 and then be empty nesters 3 years later when they're all off at college. So I personally would prefer spacing them out (mine are 5 and 2) but I know others prefer having kids closer in age.
We love the spacing of our kids, about 3.5-4 years apart in age (17, 13, 10) and 12th, 7th, and 4th grade. They are close enough, even young to old, to spend time together but we also get to experience each of them at their growing stages somewhat independent of the others. We think it’s about righ. That also means they will not spend much or any time on HS or College at the same time.

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Makaveli
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by Makaveli » Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:32 pm

From a quick glance, most folks with young families are in their late 30s to early 40s. Seems like a boglehead induced shift to the right. Secured/established finances and then began the family vs kiddos in mid to late 20s.

JGoneRiding
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by JGoneRiding » Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:57 pm

getthatmarshmallow wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 9:43 pm
No advice, just well wishes. I think we're done at two, a little older than you. A third child is a lifestyle upgrade as many people have suggested, but it's overwhelmed in our case by the fact that I'm nearly 40 (yikes), and I don't think I have another one physically in me. I don't think I've slept in six years. We also wound up with two perfect, healthy kids, and we feel like we'd tempt fate with a third.

But I also don't know anyone who regrets having a third kid, even if they recognize the financial cost. I think we probably would, were I younger.
You have summed up all my fears! I am Carrying our second right now with no issues but am concerned a third would tempt fate. In addition to the potentially higher complication rate the risk of twins increases with age.

Grt2bOutdoors
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by Grt2bOutdoors » Tue Jan 08, 2019 11:45 pm

Makaveli wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:32 pm
From a quick glance, most folks with young families are in their late 30s to early 40s. Seems like a boglehead induced shift to the right. Secured/established finances and then began the family vs kiddos in mid to late 20s.
This being a financial forum you would think that but perhaps it was a matter of timing - meeting the right partner, health or things completely unrelated to finances.
"One should invest based on their need, ability and willingness to take risk - Larry Swedroe" Asking Portfolio Questions

SoAnyway
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by SoAnyway » Wed Jan 09, 2019 12:39 am

OP, I'll share the experience of a lifelong friend. (When we were kids, his family lived on the same street mine did. He and his wife are now 60.) They had their first daughter at 28, second daughter at 30. Both of his wife's pregnancies were very difficult and she also had a demanding career, so they agreed they were done having kids.

With all that estrogen in his home life (as he put it), though, he just couldn't shake his desire for a son - teaching him to catch and throw, taking him to a game or out for a beer when his unborn son was of age, etc. etc. He began the full-court press to try for a son when he and his wife were 32. His wife finally agreed 3 years later.

Result of the last (and most challenging for his wife, by far) pregnancy: Triplets. All girls. :oops: True, this all happened at a time when medical technology is nothing close to what it is today, but even today, there are no guarantees.

Bottom line: They of course love all of their daughters, and decades later they can say it's all worked out. Nevertheless, he and his wife experienced enormous challenges over that time period - All of the financial, logistical, physical, emotional issues others have already mentioned in this thread, and all of the ups-and-downs in their marriage as a result. There were also the curveballs that life throws at you - a job loss here, a trip to the ER there, etc. I'm not sure I could have done it.

FWIW, his latest kvetch is that his two oldest daughters are in long-term relationships but don't seem particularly interested in getting married or "giving him grandchildren" any time soon, and nothing could be further from the triplets' minds at this stage.... He and his wife also worry a lot that their retirement planning isn't where they'd like it to be.

OP, best wishes to you and your family whatever you decide. As you know, it's a very personal decision.
Nothing in this post constitutes legal or medical advice. | Consult your attorney or physician to verify if/how anything stated might or might not be applicable to your specific situation.

cjniemiec
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by cjniemiec » Wed Jan 09, 2019 12:42 am

Current age 46
Wife 41

10 year old daughter - 7 year old son......

and 2 year old son.

We are extremely hands on and involved parents - both are teachers - and view our 3rd child as a gift.

All of our children are exceptional and have been extremely easy to raise...but our 3rd has proven to be one of the greatest joys life could offer. My suggestion is, if raising the first two has been stress free - go for the 3rd.

However, if your two children have plenty of "moments" I would be very hesitant.

From a finance perspective - the third has cost us nothing - you are bound to have everything you need and should realize many child expenses are silly and simply not needed.

Best of luck with whatever you choose...

stoptothink
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by stoptothink » Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:25 am

DrGoogle2017 wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:32 pm
I went to a dermatologist today and he has 8 kids, make 3 kids seems small in comparison.
The CEO of my employer has 12, 10 of which work for the company. He's worth well into 9-figures, just donated enough to have a new building at the local university named after him, and they still live in the rather modest home they raised 12 children in.

corysold
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by corysold » Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:52 am

stoptothink wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:25 am
DrGoogle2017 wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:32 pm
I went to a dermatologist today and he has 8 kids, make 3 kids seems small in comparison.
The CEO of my employer has 12, 10 of which work for the company. He's worth well into 9-figures, just donated enough to have a new building at the local university named after him, and they still live in the rather modest home they raised 12 children in.
I used to go to Brian Buffini seminars (he owns a Real Estate Coaching business), he was very well off and had 6 kids. His joke was always that the Millionaire Next Door stats suggest the average millionaire has 3 kids, so he wanted to be super rich so he had 6.

I tried the same philosophy and haven't seen it work quite as well.

DrGoogle2017
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by DrGoogle2017 » Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:53 am

stoptothink wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:25 am
DrGoogle2017 wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:32 pm
I went to a dermatologist today and he has 8 kids, make 3 kids seems small in comparison.
The CEO of my employer has 12, 10 of which work for the company. He's worth well into 9-figures, just donated enough to have a new building at the local university named after him, and they still live in the rather modest home they raised 12 children in.
Both of my aunts have 13 kids, back when there’s no birth control. Both are still alive and kicking at near 90. Maybe it’s a secret to longevity. Lol.

Texanbybirth
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by Texanbybirth » Wed Jan 09, 2019 11:04 am

Grt2bOutdoors wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 11:45 pm
Makaveli wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:32 pm
From a quick glance, most folks with young families are in their late 30s to early 40s. Seems like a boglehead induced shift to the right. Secured/established finances and then began the family vs kiddos in mid to late 20s.
This being a financial forum you would think that but perhaps it was a matter of timing - meeting the right partner, health or things completely unrelated to finances.
I'm pretty sure across the societal board women are having their first child at a later age.

My mom and mother-in-law were each done having their 3rd or 4th kid, respectively, at younger than my wife's age.
Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow, | Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow. | None has ever caught him yet, for Tom, he is the master: | His songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster.

Grt2bOutdoors
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by Grt2bOutdoors » Wed Jan 09, 2019 1:57 pm

Texanbybirth wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 11:04 am
Grt2bOutdoors wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 11:45 pm
Makaveli wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:32 pm
From a quick glance, most folks with young families are in their late 30s to early 40s. Seems like a boglehead induced shift to the right. Secured/established finances and then began the family vs kiddos in mid to late 20s.
This being a financial forum you would think that but perhaps it was a matter of timing - meeting the right partner, health or things completely unrelated to finances.
I'm pretty sure across the societal board women are having their first child at a later age.

My mom and mother-in-law were each done having their 3rd or 4th kid, respectively, at younger than my wife's age.
Not disputing that, but the reason behind it is not solely due to finances.
"One should invest based on their need, ability and willingness to take risk - Larry Swedroe" Asking Portfolio Questions

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unclescrooge
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by unclescrooge » Wed Jan 09, 2019 4:48 pm

DrGoogle2017 wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:53 am
stoptothink wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:25 am
DrGoogle2017 wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:32 pm
I went to a dermatologist today and he has 8 kids, make 3 kids seems small in comparison.
The CEO of my employer has 12, 10 of which work for the company. He's worth well into 9-figures, just donated enough to have a new building at the local university named after him, and they still live in the rather modest home they raised 12 children in.
Both of my aunts have 13 kids, back when there’s no birth control. Both are still alive and kicking at near 90. Maybe it’s a secret to longevity. Lol.
But what about their husbands?

There's an old joke I tell my wife, maybe a bit too often.

Why do married men die first?
Because they want to! :mrgreen:

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unclescrooge
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by unclescrooge » Wed Jan 09, 2019 5:02 pm

This post is timely as my wife and I are debating having a third.

Well, she's doing the debating and I'm just saying no.
Between 2 kids (1.8 and 3.8 years old) and a dog, at least one of whom and sometimes two will wake up in the middle of the night, every single night for the past 4 years, at least once. Sometimes twice. So, I'm constantly tired. And extremely irritated by having to take the dog outside at 3 am in winter.

Plus I have insomnia so I often having difficult falling back asleep until 5 am.
Luckily I work from home, so I often wake up at 8 am. My wife works 65hrs a week most weeks, so she's also chronically tired.

Having a kid now means he or she will show up when I'm nearly 46 and she's 37.

While I would love to have a third, I feel it's a slippery slope. Why stop there? Just keep having kids until fate intervenes?

We are struggling to stay sane at this point. We already have weekly cleaning service, in-laws helping with the kids pick up from day care and dinner once a week, and the occasional weekend.

We are fortunate to be able to take an annual vacation to somewhere exotic. Growing to 5 will truly complicate things tremendously.

I grew up an only child to busy parents. My Dad want around enough. He was around a lot, but he worked a lot when I was 12-17 and then I went away for college so I feel I really missed out on a lot. And then he died early.

Unless we win the lottery, and work part time, I can't see how we could pull this off and do justice to all three kids.

Hug401k
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by Hug401k » Wed Jan 09, 2019 6:14 pm

Isabelle77 wrote:
Mon Jan 07, 2019 9:19 pm
Sometimes I wish we had had a 3rd child but man, our 2nd one was/is exhausting. My mom used to say that sometimes God sends you one to tell you to stop now. :mrgreen:

I don't think you'd ever regret having a third child. But depending on where you are financially, it can be tough. Thinking about things like plane tickets, summer camp, and college x3, makes me anxious :)
I think you and I had the same experience!! My second one didn't sleep through the night for 2 years no matter what I did. Stopped at 2 kids.

staythecourse
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by staythecourse » Wed Jan 09, 2019 6:55 pm

unclescrooge wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 5:02 pm
This post is timely as my wife and I are debating having a third.

Well, she's doing the debating and I'm just saying no.
Between 2 kids (1.8 and 3.8 years old) and a dog, at least one of whom and sometimes two will wake up in the middle of the night, every single night for the past 4 years, at least once. Sometimes twice. So, I'm constantly tired. And extremely irritated by having to take the dog outside at 3 am in winter.

Plus I have insomnia so I often having difficult falling back asleep until 5 am.
Luckily I work from home, so I often wake up at 8 am. My wife works 65hrs a week most weeks, so she's also chronically tired.

Having a kid now means he or she will show up when I'm nearly 46 and she's 37.

While I would love to have a third, I feel it's a slippery slope. Why stop there? Just keep having kids until fate intervenes?

We are struggling to stay sane at this point. We already have weekly cleaning service, in-laws helping with the kids pick up from day care and dinner once a week, and the occasional weekend.

We are fortunate to be able to take an annual vacation to somewhere exotic. Growing to 5 will truly complicate things tremendously.

I grew up an only child to busy parents. My Dad want around enough. He was around a lot, but he worked a lot when I was 12-17 and then I went away for college so I feel I really missed out on a lot. And then he died early.

Unless we win the lottery, and work part time, I can't see how we could pull this off and do justice to all three kids.
Your not alone. My wife and I are both physicians/ subspecialists BEFORE they started limiting residency work hours (when training was exhausting) and always comment to others having kids is WAY harder then doing a medical residency. Residency and now work is WAY easier then taking care of our two toddlers. We have no in law help so doing everything on our own has been a physical/ emotional toll. Trying to balance our relationship, kids, high end careers, and our friendships by ourselves has been difficult.

Sounds odd but almost waiting for the day my daughter becomes a teenager and shuts the door on my face to get some peace and quiet.

Good luck.
"The stock market [fluctuation], therefore, is noise. A giant distraction from the business of investing.” | -Jack Bogle

DrGoogle2017
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by DrGoogle2017 » Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:19 pm

unclescrooge wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 4:48 pm
DrGoogle2017 wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:53 am
stoptothink wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:25 am
DrGoogle2017 wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:32 pm
I went to a dermatologist today and he has 8 kids, make 3 kids seems small in comparison.
The CEO of my employer has 12, 10 of which work for the company. He's worth well into 9-figures, just donated enough to have a new building at the local university named after him, and they still live in the rather modest home they raised 12 children in.
Both of my aunts have 13 kids, back when there’s no birth control. Both are still alive and kicking at near 90. Maybe it’s a secret to longevity. Lol.
But what about their husbands?

There's an old joke I tell my wife, maybe a bit too often.

Why do married men die first?
Because they want to! :mrgreen:
The husbands are still alive, even though one is not in great health. I’ve not seen him for a while.

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unclescrooge
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by unclescrooge » Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:33 pm

staythecourse wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 6:55 pm
Sounds odd but almost waiting for the day my daughter becomes a teenager and shuts the door on my face to get some peace and quiet.
I totally understand. It'll be a bitter sweet moment for me, and probably just a bitter moment for my wife.

After the first kid, when my wife got pregnant again, we sold a house we had bought 2.5 years prior just so we could move closer to my in-laws. Nothing in life prepares you for having kids. NOTHING!

PinotGris
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by PinotGris » Thu Jan 10, 2019 3:13 am

I was 21 when we had our first child and we were so happy with her we never thought of having another one until she cried for a baby brother/sister. I was finishing my college and worried about taking a break and delivered my second and my degree the same year. A girl and a boy and 2 grand kids. Another child would not have increased our joy any more and we are close and content. I do not envy those with more children or grandchildren.

wriggly
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by wriggly » Thu Jan 10, 2019 6:18 am

I think klw084 sums it up fairly well:
klw084 wrote:
Mon Jan 07, 2019 11:11 am
We have three children.

They say the hardest jump is from two to three and I believe it.
The second child is additional work, but as they get older, they also entertain each other, making less work for the parents over an only child. The third child adds another increment of work, but the capability difference between the eldest and youngest means they often can't or don't want to play the same games. So, parents get involved in keeping the youngest from wrecking the game.
klw084 wrote:
Mon Jan 07, 2019 11:11 am
As people have mentioned, nothing is designed for a family of 5. Cars, restaurant tables, etc. Furthermore, when we just had two, as they got a little older we were starting to travel again, go out to restaurants etc., it's tough to have a newborn and go back into isolation.
Yep. Even with a larger car, territorial arguments are a constant.

Hotel rooms for 2 adults and 3 young children can be non-existent in some areas. AirBnB is a massive boon for larger families.
klw084 wrote:
Mon Jan 07, 2019 11:11 am

That said, we love all our children very much and hopefully, they love each other as well and having one more person in their lives that they can potentially rely on has been worth the extra cost to our finances and to our nerves.
This especially. I can't imagine not having all three in my life. All that extra work and the logistical problems are worth it!

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teen persuasion
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by teen persuasion » Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:39 am

DrGoogle2017 wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:53 am
stoptothink wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:25 am
DrGoogle2017 wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:32 pm
I went to a dermatologist today and he has 8 kids, make 3 kids seems small in comparison.
The CEO of my employer has 12, 10 of which work for the company. He's worth well into 9-figures, just donated enough to have a new building at the local university named after him, and they still live in the rather modest home they raised 12 children in.
Both of my aunts have 13 kids, back when there’s no birth control. Both are still alive and kicking at near 90. Maybe it’s a secret to longevity. Lol.
There is something to this - correlation, not cause, though.

My mom is the 8th of nine kids, born when her mom was 42, her youngest sister born when their mom was 46, plus their mom had a final pregnancy (miscarriage) sometime in her fifties. When I related this bit of family medical history to an OB, the OB told me that women who naturally have pregnancies that late in life often have very long lifetimes. I believe the fertility reflects their underlying health.

My mom actually has 2 more siblings beyond her 8 biological siblings - her parents adopted a brother and sister after their parents died young.

I believe there's a 22 year span from oldest to youngest of the 11. Some of the boys went away to WWII, and came home to a new baby sister! Mom has also mentioned her brothers coming home after dates, and changing diapers. In a big family, you just roll with it and chip in as needed, it becomes second nature.

totesmagotes
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by totesmagotes » Thu Jan 10, 2019 1:15 pm

My wife and I have two kids currently (2 and 6), and we went back and forth a lot about whether to try for a 3rd child. We've both always said we wanted 3 kiddos (we both grew up with 2 or more siblings), but the financial situation has been hard to get around (another 4+ years of day care, etc.). Since we're in our mid 30s, we wanted to make a final decision soon. We ended up getting pregnant with our third, who is due this summer. We moved to a larger house a few years ago, and we got a minivan in the past year because we needed a new-to-us vehicle anyway. So, we have had space for a 3rd for a year.

The main thing that pushed the decision into the "let's go for a 3rd" category was realizing that we're probably making the least amount of money we'll ever make and thus the financial strain will probably decrease with time (especially since our ~$12k/yr student loan payments will be done in 10-12 years) . We feared that we would look back in 30 years and regret not having another child because of money issues that eased with each passing year. So, we jumped in. We do expect some inheritance money in the next 20-30 years, which we're actually depending upon a bit in this calculation to have 3 children (primarily for an extra retirement and college fund boost). As I was going through the financial picture for the next 20 years (at least through the time all of kids would be in or through college) in the lead up to deciding whether to have a 3rd, we needed to make some assumptions, and planning for some inheritance, while a little risky, was a comfortable assumption.

Honestly, my biggest concern is the problem of being outnumbered by our children. What are we going to do if our kids are having tantrums? How do we deal w/ bedtime when my wife and I are occupied with the two youngest children but the oldest wants some attention? What do we do when multiple children get sick and we need to still handle the other healthy one (to/from activities, etc.)? Since we're both from 3+ child families, I know everything will work out in the end, but it's still a worry for us.
Last edited by totesmagotes on Thu Jan 10, 2019 1:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

DrGoogle2017
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by DrGoogle2017 » Thu Jan 10, 2019 1:32 pm

I do remember my husband apologized to our oldest child that he couldn't read to her at bedtime. He had to focus on the second child. He’s the one that did all the reading at bedtime. We spaced ours 5 years apart. It didn’t hurt her, she did turn out to be the better reader among her peers, so I think nature will take care of things.

DrGoogle2017
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by DrGoogle2017 » Thu Jan 10, 2019 1:38 pm

teen persuasion wrote:
Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:39 am
DrGoogle2017 wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:53 am
stoptothink wrote:
Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:25 am
DrGoogle2017 wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:32 pm
I went to a dermatologist today and he has 8 kids, make 3 kids seems small in comparison.
The CEO of my employer has 12, 10 of which work for the company. He's worth well into 9-figures, just donated enough to have a new building at the local university named after him, and they still live in the rather modest home they raised 12 children in.
Both of my aunts have 13 kids, back when there’s no birth control. Both are still alive and kicking at near 90. Maybe it’s a secret to longevity. Lol.
There is something to this - correlation, not cause, though.

My mom is the 8th of nine kids, born when her mom was 42, her youngest sister born when their mom was 46, plus their mom had a final pregnancy (miscarriage) sometime in her fifties. When I related this bit of family medical history to an OB, the OB told me that women who naturally have pregnancies that late in life often have very long lifetimes. I believe the fertility reflects their underlying health.

My mom actually has 2 more siblings beyond her 8 biological siblings - her parents adopted a brother and sister after their parents died young.

I believe there's a 22 year span from oldest to youngest of the 11. Some of the boys went away to WWII, and came home to a new baby sister! Mom has also mentioned her brothers coming home after dates, and changing diapers. In a big family, you just roll with it and chip in as needed, it becomes second nature.
I agree, for people to still be fertile naturally at a middle age means they are reasonably healthy. One of my aunt gave birth to her last child at age 44. She’s menopaused at close to age 60. This aunt used to look very youthful to the point that people often mistaken her with as one of her kids.

Usually large family the siblings help out. I know my nephews were help feeding the youngest baby, it’s bonding time for them. Nothing to it with holding a baby and holding a baby bottle while mom’s cooking.

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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by hvaclorax » Tue Jan 15, 2019 12:08 pm

I didn’t read all the posts. Nonetheless, you may want to consider an important “ what if”. Namely that one or two or all may go to gard schools after college. That happened to wife and I. It’s like paying for college times four. I’m glad we could help them and we didn’t slow retirement down. Well maybe just a couple of years. 480k all told, some saved, some cash flow, some borrowed. Generous but we were glad to be in a position to help out.

Afty
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by Afty » Tue Jan 15, 2019 12:33 pm

Like some of the other posters, we stopped at 2 mostly because of sleep. Our 2 kids were both terrible sleepers as babies, and we just couldn't bring ourselves to get back onto that treadmill. We do sometimes think about having a third, but life with 2 is pretty wonderful as it is.

c1over8
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by c1over8 » Tue Jan 15, 2019 3:16 pm

You're getting a lot of comments about the concerns of being an older parent. As a child of an older parent (father was late 50s when I was born), I'll comment from the opposite side. My father retired when I was very young and I have no memory of him working. My mom was a SAHM until I was ~9 and then worked part time at a school. As a kid/teen it was great always having one if not
both parents around. I remember dad picking us up from elementary school and taking us to the river or other adventures. Never had to worry about whether a parent could give me a ride to x activity or y friend's house. I didn't even know for a long time that people actually took their cars to the shop for oil changes and things like that because dad always had free time to change the oil and to take care of whatever us kids needed himself. Sure, it stinks sometimes that he recently passed and will never meet my children, but he had a long life and we sure made the most of the years we had together. So I'd say you're definitely still young enough to go for a third if you want to.

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UpsetRaptor
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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by UpsetRaptor » Tue Jan 15, 2019 6:08 pm

Having more offspring is the smart long-term play. More grandkids, more help and love when you're old, more family retirement center visits, etc. Nobody was ever lying on their deathbed and said "I wish I had fewer kids".

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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by Stinky » Tue Jan 15, 2019 6:25 pm

chevca wrote:
Mon Jan 07, 2019 9:55 pm
My ex had a son from a prior relationship that i ended up taking on as my own without adoption. We decided to have one of our own and then decide from there if we wanted more..... Yep, we tried and got twins!!

Try for 3, you may get 4... keep that in mind. :happy

I love em all though, and another step son i got in my marriage now. Finances really have little to do with it. You make it work if you love the kids.
We had a son first, and knew that we wanted more.

When DW got pregnant and it was a girl, we were ecstatic. We knew it would be tough with our son being only 21 months when daughter was born. And we didn't know at that time if we wanted a third, or stop at two.

Our dilemma was solved when we discovered, in the seventh month of pregnancy, that the "girl" was really boy-girl twins. So the decision was made for us - we had our second and third children.

It was hell for the first year, with three in diapers; later three in college at the same time. But I'm really glad that we had all three of them.
It's a GREAT day to be alive - Travis Tritt

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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by K8814 » Fri Jan 18, 2019 9:49 pm

Go for a third! We wanted 3, health issues got in the way. Our now-adult sons are both great but I envy my siblings with 3 and 4 kids.
More kids and in-laws at family events, hopefully more grandchildren and more children to help you as you age (or at least a greater chance that you will have one child who will step up). I didn't think about this in my thirties, but I do in my sixties.
Three years apart is ideal IMO, and as the third child of four, I don't think you should worry that the middle child will be somehow disadvantaged.

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Re: Child # 3 - seeking advice from older members

Post by LadyGeek » Sat Jan 19, 2019 10:13 pm

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