Joint Ownership of home with second wife

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LK2012
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by LK2012 »

OP, any updates on what you've worked out?
RudyS
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by RudyS »

cj2018 wrote: Mon Jul 30, 2018 2:34 pm
DanMahowny wrote: Mon Jul 30, 2018 12:33 pm Something I'm very good at is determining if a marriage is going to work out or not.

Don't get married. Sorry man.
Unfortunately, I agree with DanMahowny on this one :(

I know this is not what you want to hear or looking for, but just by OP’s story and description so far, your future wife will be counting pennies and “equal share” of everything every step of the way down the line beyond just houses - education for your (not her) kids for instance.

Sorry mate, having the same value and outlook, especially financially, is what makes or breaks the marriage.
One more vote for not doinbg this (at this time). Much more discussion needed.
RudyS
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by RudyS »

scotthew wrote: Tue Jul 31, 2018 11:04 am I would say that gender role is not accurate at all in our case - I'm 100% responsible for transporting the kids, cooking for them, etc. She has a minor supporting role with the kids - and will step in occasionally, but that is the exception rather than the norm. Ditto with the current house.
sorry I can't see this marriage. speaking from 56 years of a traditional (in term of roles)happy marriage. Maybe you just need to wait a while.
Broken Man 1999
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by Broken Man 1999 »

Too bad we can't read posts by her.

All we are reading is one side. Not saying it isn't 100% accurate, but, who knows?

Broken Man 1999
“If I cannot drink Bourbon and smoke cigars in Heaven then I shall not go." - Mark Twain
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cheese_breath
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by cheese_breath »

Broken Man 1999 wrote: Thu Aug 09, 2018 6:37 pm Too bad we can't read posts by her.

All we are reading is one side. Not saying it isn't 100% accurate, but, who knows?

Broken Man 1999
We've seen enough to conclude this marriage is a bad idea regardless of who's right or wrong.
The surest way to know the future is when it becomes the past.
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scotthew
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by scotthew »

We having been getting marital counseling for quite some time - and that does help with the non-financial aspects of the relationship (how to deal with emotional differences and non-financial conflicts). However, the counseling does not help out all with negotiating our financial arrangement in marriage, and I think we've both come to the conclusion that the only path forward would be to seek mediation for that. The end game of the mediation could be failure, and that's fine, because at least we learned we're not compatible. Every time the prenup comes up, the day is ruined, and the only hope is that a mediator can help us communicate more effectively with less emotion involved.

At some point, do you have so much professional help just to keep a relationship going, is it even worth it any more? I should emphasize that I do love her when we are alone together and we aren't butting heads over combining finances or dealing with the kids.

As for the children's arrangement, they are 50/50 custody, no alimony, and I effectively pay most of the kids expenses - child care and medical.
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cheese_breath
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by cheese_breath »

scotthew wrote: Thu Aug 09, 2018 9:07 pm ... At some point, do you have so much professional help just to keep a relationship going, is it even worth it any more? I should emphasize that I do love her when we are alone together and we aren't butting heads over combining finances or dealing with the kids...
I don't mean to be a SA, but do you love her when you're butting heads over finances or kids? Marriage is a 24/7 affair, even when you're fighting.
The surest way to know the future is when it becomes the past.
Gnirk
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by Gnirk »

Even though my DH and I keep our finances separate we are financially compatible......and that is really important, in my opinion. We dated for 11 years before marrying, so we wouldn’t need to worry about raising each other’s children. We married as soon as my youngest was about to graduate from college. There was a huge disparity in our incomes, and when we married, we signed a pre-nup. He paid most of our living expenses, and still does.

In your situation, with equal incomes and with you having children, her demands make this sound more like some kind of business partnership than a marriage. Your children need to feel welcomed and if not loved, at least genuinely liked, by your wife. If a bigger house isn’t really necessary, then don’t buy one. And if you do buy one, then split the cost according to your incomes.
adam1712
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by adam1712 »

There are a lot of red flags here but I think some people are a little too negative too. I think it's understandable that trying to find a marriage, financial-arrangement, prenup that works from now until your deaths is overwhelming in your situation.

I'd be trying to think about the finances in two phases:
1) The 8-10 years when the kids will be home
2) The empty nest phase

I'd be just focusing on the next 8-10 years. I'd think about taking either joint homeownership or marriage off the table. I'd consider marrying but keeping finances as is and completely separate for the first few years. Or I'd think about co-owning on the house with very clear fraction of ownership as more of a business contract with no marriage. Both of these have risks but I think you both have your eyes open and could come up with the proper legal safeguards. Or if your gut is telling you to walk away, that's what you should do.
Broken Man 1999
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by Broken Man 1999 »

cheese_breath wrote: Thu Aug 09, 2018 6:49 pm
Broken Man 1999 wrote: Thu Aug 09, 2018 6:37 pm Too bad we can't read posts by her.

All we are reading is one side. Not saying it isn't 100% accurate, but, who knows?

Broken Man 1999
We've seen enough to conclude this marriage is a bad idea regardless of who's right or wrong.
It does seem fraught with issues. The most basic foundation for marriage, IMHO, is to go from "me" and "you" to "us."

Broken Man 1999
“If I cannot drink Bourbon and smoke cigars in Heaven then I shall not go." - Mark Twain
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scotthew
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by scotthew »

adam1712 wrote: Thu Aug 09, 2018 10:38 pm There are a lot of red flags here but I think some people are a little too negative too. I think it's understandable that trying to find a marriage, financial-arrangement, prenup that works from now until your deaths is overwhelming in your situation.

I'd be trying to think about the finances in two phases:
1) The 8-10 years when the kids will be home
2) The empty nest phase

I'd be just focusing on the next 8-10 years. I'd think about taking either joint homeownership or marriage off the table. I'd consider marrying but keeping finances as is and completely separate for the first few years. Or I'd think about co-owning on the house with very clear fraction of ownership as more of a business contract with no marriage. Both of these have risks but I think you both have your eyes open and could come up with the proper legal safeguards. Or if your gut is telling you to walk away, that's what you should do.
I like your idea, but from a legal point of view, I don't know how to make that happen in a simple way (other than to defer marriage until the kids are gone)
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cheese_breath
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by cheese_breath »

scotthew wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 10:05 am
adam1712 wrote: Thu Aug 09, 2018 10:38 pm There are a lot of red flags here but I think some people are a little too negative too. I think it's understandable that trying to find a marriage, financial-arrangement, prenup that works from now until your deaths is overwhelming in your situation.

I'd be trying to think about the finances in two phases:
1) The 8-10 years when the kids will be home
2) The empty nest phase

I'd be just focusing on the next 8-10 years. I'd think about taking either joint homeownership or marriage off the table. I'd consider marrying but keeping finances as is and completely separate for the first few years. Or I'd think about co-owning on the house with very clear fraction of ownership as more of a business contract with no marriage. Both of these have risks but I think you both have your eyes open and could come up with the proper legal safeguards. Or if your gut is telling you to walk away, that's what you should do.
I like your idea, but from a legal point of view, I don't know how to make that happen in a simple way (other than to defer marriage until the kids are gone)
If you're bound and determined to go through with this, then do the color in red.
The surest way to know the future is when it becomes the past.
adam1712
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by adam1712 »

scotthew wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 10:05 am
adam1712 wrote: Thu Aug 09, 2018 10:38 pm There are a lot of red flags here but I think some people are a little too negative too. I think it's understandable that trying to find a marriage, financial-arrangement, prenup that works from now until your deaths is overwhelming in your situation.

I'd be trying to think about the finances in two phases:
1) The 8-10 years when the kids will be home
2) The empty nest phase

I'd be just focusing on the next 8-10 years. I'd think about taking either joint homeownership or marriage off the table. I'd consider marrying but keeping finances as is and completely separate for the first few years. Or I'd think about co-owning on the house with very clear fraction of ownership as more of a business contract with no marriage. Both of these have risks but I think you both have your eyes open and could come up with the proper legal safeguards. Or if your gut is telling you to walk away, that's what you should do.
I like your idea, but from a legal point of view, I don't know how to make that happen in a simple way (other than to defer marriage until the kids are gone)
It won't be simple but it at least might help jumpstart discussions when you are at an impasse. Breaking things up into smaller chunks to determine what is really important to each of you, then move to determine the legal steps necessary. Also, being legally married might not make sense currently but that might not mean you couldn't have a wedding and present yourself more like a married couple. You might need to check the common-law marriage rules on that.
mptfan
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by mptfan »

adam1712 wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 11:14 amAlso, being legally married might not make sense currently but that might not mean you couldn't have a wedding and present yourself more like a married couple. You might need to check the common-law marriage rules on that.
Are there people who invite their friends and family to a wedding ceremony and go through with a wedding and have someone pronounce them to be man and wife but not be legally married? Maybe I'm out of touch, but I didn't know that was a thing.
RudyS
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by RudyS »

mptfan wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:26 pm
adam1712 wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 11:14 amAlso, being legally married might not make sense currently but that might not mean you couldn't have a wedding and present yourself more like a married couple. You might need to check the common-law marriage rules on that.
Are there people who invite their friends and family to a wedding ceremony and go through with a wedding and have someone pronounce them to be man and wife but not be legally married? Maybe I'm out of touch, but I didn't know that was a thing.
Maybe this is a tangent, but perhaps some form of "commitment" ceremony? But, as I said earlier, I don't think this is the time to get married. Too many unresolved issues.
chevca
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by chevca »

scotthew wrote: Thu Aug 09, 2018 9:07 pm At some point, do you have so much professional help just to keep a relationship going, is it even worth it any more? I should emphasize that I do love her when we are alone together and we aren't butting heads over combining finances or dealing with the kids.

As for the children's arrangement, they are 50/50 custody, no alimony, and I effectively pay most of the kids expenses - child care and medical.
Wow... so, if you have the kids 50% of the time and you likely butt heads on issues even when it's just the two of you, you love this woman less than 50% of the time?

I'm guessing you may have worded that poorly. But, your sub-conscious may be speaking to you there. Why are you two thinking marriage? If it takes this much work, and counseling, and there are so many differences before marriage even....

How did you two get along before the marriage talk and combining finances came about? If things were great then, maybe just be together and drop the marriage idea. Or, get 50/50 custody of the new wife and she only comes around when the kids are with their mother. I kid there... :happy

I'm sure there's more to the story, but from what you're posting and telling us, OP, I have no clue as to why you want to get married, or why she wants to get married. You know this can't end well, right?
pspice78
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by pspice78 »

Your story sounds eerily similar to mine except I'm the woman who makes more (and has no debt) and has a child and my partner is the man with no house and lots of debt wanted to do the buy a house 50/50 thing. I said no. He was upset about it at first but I honestly presented it as I am not willing to compromise on this. We stayed put in the house I own out right and I've agreed to reexamine the whole marriage thing once my daughter is grown. That arrangement is working out well for us once we got past the initial fireworks to work it all out.

I'm sorry to the OP who is going through this because you are in an awkward position. It's ok to trust your gut though. And it's also ok to have a non-traditional cohabitating relationship. Families come in all different shapes and sizes and it's ok to not be in the big house with the husband and wife and two kids with the picket fence and all that. These are things I've had to come to terms with myself and actually took a while for all that to sink in. Best of luck to you.
kacang
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by kacang »

Please consider this decision carefully.

When we marry someone, don't we marry the whole package, kids and all? She doesn't sound like she's ready to be a mother to your kids.

DH and I embraced all our kids equally, whether they are a step-kid or biological. They are all our kids, we chose to marry and form a family, I can't imagine doing it any other way. Maybe we're just old fashioned.
adam1712
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by adam1712 »

mptfan wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:26 pm
adam1712 wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 11:14 amAlso, being legally married might not make sense currently but that might not mean you couldn't have a wedding and present yourself more like a married couple. You might need to check the common-law marriage rules on that.
Are there people who invite their friends and family to a wedding ceremony and go through with a wedding and have someone pronounce them to be man and wife but not be legally married? Maybe I'm out of touch, but I didn't know that was a thing.
I probably should have said commitment ceremony but those are definitely a thing. All I'm saying is one shouldn't let the legal constraints ruin a relationship. Now maybe this relationship is headed to an end anyway. And it might be time to increase the level of commitment but one should consider all the different options of how to do that.
mptfan
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by mptfan »

adam1712 wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:31 pm I probably should have said commitment ceremony but those are definitely a thing.
I didn't know that was a thing. Do you send out commitment ceremony invitations? I don't mean to be glib, I am genuinely curious. Do you make it clear when you invite people that it is a commitment ceremony and not a wedding? I just have never heard of that. And what do you say in the vows?
masha12
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by masha12 »

mptfan wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:26 pm
adam1712 wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 11:14 amAlso, being legally married might not make sense currently but that might not mean you couldn't have a wedding and present yourself more like a married couple. You might need to check the common-law marriage rules on that.
Are there people who invite their friends and family to a wedding ceremony and go through with a wedding and have someone pronounce them to be man and wife but not be legally married? Maybe I'm out of touch, but I didn't know that was a thing.
Whitecoatinvestor.com just had a guest post from a doctor who did this in order to work the loan forgiveness program to his advantage. The only people who knew it wasn't a "real" wedding were the couple's parents and presumably (as one of the commentators pointed out) the "officiant" who would not have completed a marriage license.
LawProf
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by LawProf »

OP,

You don't want to get married (at least right now). You've literally said this. You don't want to get married. For the sake of yourself, your kids, and your partner, don't get married. It's not fair to anyone. Forget negotiations, mediation, everything -- you don't want to get married. Case closed.
adam1712
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by adam1712 »

mptfan wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:52 pm
adam1712 wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:31 pm I probably should have said commitment ceremony but those are definitely a thing.
I didn't know that was a thing. Do you send out commitment ceremony invitations? I don't mean to be glib, I am genuinely curious. Do you make it clear when you invite people that it is a commitment ceremony and not a wedding? I just have never heard of that. And what do you say in the vows?
I'm not an expert. You can google it and know as much as me. People appear to do it for various reasons and probably do it in a variety of ways. I'm not saying it's what the OP should do, but just brainstorming all the possible solutions.
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scotthew
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by scotthew »

adam1712 wrote: Sat Aug 11, 2018 10:03 am
mptfan wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:52 pm
adam1712 wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:31 pm I probably should have said commitment ceremony but those are definitely a thing.
I didn't know that was a thing. Do you send out commitment ceremony invitations? I don't mean to be glib, I am genuinely curious. Do you make it clear when you invite people that it is a commitment ceremony and not a wedding? I just have never heard of that. And what do you say in the vows?
I'm not an expert. You can google it and know as much as me. People appear to do it for various reasons and probably do it in a variety of ways. I'm not saying it's what the OP should do, but just brainstorming all the possible solutions.
Funny that came up up. We had considered about a year ago, and we were both enthusiastic about it, but her enthusiasm wore off gradually. I'm game though. Sounds great!
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cheese_breath
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by cheese_breath »

scotthew wrote: Sat Aug 11, 2018 10:11 am
adam1712 wrote: Sat Aug 11, 2018 10:03 am
mptfan wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:52 pm
adam1712 wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:31 pm I probably should have said commitment ceremony but those are definitely a thing.
I didn't know that was a thing. Do you send out commitment ceremony invitations? I don't mean to be glib, I am genuinely curious. Do you make it clear when you invite people that it is a commitment ceremony and not a wedding? I just have never heard of that. And what do you say in the vows?
I'm not an expert. You can google it and know as much as me. People appear to do it for various reasons and probably do it in a variety of ways. I'm not saying it's what the OP should do, but just brainstorming all the possible solutions.
Funny that came up up. We had considered about a year ago, and we were both enthusiastic about it, but her enthusiasm wore off gradually. I'm game though. Sounds great!
That should save the expense of a divorce, but it won't solve the underlying problems that would lead to a divorce.
The surest way to know the future is when it becomes the past.
dekecarver
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by dekecarver »

As long as this thread has run, identified serious implications for the OP and his children based on the info provided, and the OPs continued longing for love (?) and marriage, I'm starting to wonder of the veracity of the situation. It has become somewhat of a soap opera situation. It does make for fun reading and I actually sign in to get a status update; damn near could script out a short movie. Thinking about it actually reminds me of the movie: Parent Trap. :D
indexonlyplease
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by indexonlyplease »

I am about to embark on a second marriage and hoping to buy a house in the not so distant future. I have children and my spouse does not, so clearly I am concerned about estates and
This is your real problem. The first marriage did not work but you think the second will. Not that I am against a second marraige but why not wait until the kids are adults. Why put you kids in a situation with another wife/mom.

Then if there is a must be married bucause can't live without a wife, you should be talking to her about a prenup. If this is a touchy situation then forget the marriage. A piece of paper from the government does not mean this is the only way you can be together.

Married adults forget it's about the kids happiness when you decided to have kids. Not yours. To many kids are damaged from second marriages and sefless parents.

Call Dr. Laura. She will explain better.


Good Luck.
Sagefemme
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by Sagefemme »

As for appearing married without actually being married, my husband and I got married (really) 36 years ago in a judge's office, with one witness. I swear not once since then have I had to prove I'm married. We don't have the same last names. We have two kids. We have owned several houses together. We lived in a foreign country for a year where I had a visa as the spouse of a full time student. Do we have a marriage certificate somewhere? I have no idea.
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BL
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by BL »

Sagefemme wrote: Sat Aug 11, 2018 10:51 am As for appearing married without actually being married, my husband and I got married (really) 36 years ago in a judge's office, with one witness. I swear not once since then have I had to prove I'm married. We don't have the same last names. We have two kids. We have owned several houses together. We lived in a foreign country for a year where I had a visa as the spouse of a full time student. Do we have a marriage certificate somewhere? I have no idea.
It might be easier to locate one now rather than later when you might need it for something like SS.
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by THY4373 »

indexonlyplease wrote: Sat Aug 11, 2018 10:26 am this is your real problem. The first marriage did not work but you think the second will. Not that I am against a second marraige but why not wait until the kids are adults. Why put you kids in a situation with another wife/mom.

Then if there is a must be married bucause can't live without a wife, you should be talking to her about a prenup. If this is a touchy situation then forget the marriage. A piece of paper from the government does not mean this is the only way you can be together.

Married adults forget it's about the kids happiness when you decided to have kids. Not yours. To many kids are damaged from second marriages and sefless parents.
I agree with the above, while there are a number of reasons I am unlikely to ever get remarried my current number one reason is that I am not going to put my son through merging families, etc, while he is still at home. He and I have a great relationship (improved actually since my divorce a couple of years ago). My principal focus right now is on getting him launched in life and enjoying our last years living together (I have him 50% of the time). My ex-wife seems to have come to a similar conclusion on her own.

Edit: I should add that it is still not clear to me what you are getting out of this to make you want to get married? To put it bluntly (and I would say the same to your potential wife) is she (he for your significant other) worth this kind of hassle? If it is rough now it will almost undoubtedly be worse once you are married.
dekecarver
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by dekecarver »

scotthew wrote: Tue Jul 31, 2018 8:02 pm To clarify, I don't think she has a problem with them inheriting wealth as minors under the supervision of a guardian (e.g. if I die, a life insurance policy would pay out to a trustee, whom would make payments to the legal guardian until the age of 18). I think her problem is with "trust fund underachievers" that don't fulfill their potential because they have a lifetime security blanket.

To the OP: I think here within lies one problem; you are making an assumption regarding "I don't think ....inheriting wealth as minors under the supervision of a guardian .." and " I think her problem ..."; dude, you are attending counseling with her and this hasn't been clarified? If not, stop making assumptions and ask her vs thinking what she may be doing or not.
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TomatoTomahto
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by TomatoTomahto »

mptfan wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:52 pm
adam1712 wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:31 pm I probably should have said commitment ceremony but those are definitely a thing.
I didn't know that was a thing. Do you send out commitment ceremony invitations? I don't mean to be glib, I am genuinely curious. Do you make it clear when you invite people that it is a commitment ceremony and not a wedding? I just have never heard of that. And what do you say in the vows?
Think about it. What do you think committed same sex couples did, or do where the church/government won’t recognize their union? And, yes, you do sound glib and condescending.
I get the FI part but not the RE part of FIRE.
mptfan
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by mptfan »

TomatoTomahto wrote: Sun Aug 12, 2018 6:58 am
mptfan wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:52 pm
adam1712 wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:31 pm I probably should have said commitment ceremony but those are definitely a thing.
I didn't know that was a thing. Do you send out commitment ceremony invitations? I don't mean to be glib, I am genuinely curious. Do you make it clear when you invite people that it is a commitment ceremony and not a wedding? I just have never heard of that. And what do you say in the vows?
Think about it. What do you think committed same sex couples did, or do where the church/government won’t recognize their union? And, yes, you do sound glib and condescending.
I knew it was a thing for same sex couples, but the OP is heterosexual, so implied in my question was I did not know that was a thing for heterosexuals. I'm not being glib or condescending, I did not know about it and I am genuinely curious. When the invitations go out for a commitment ceremony, is it referred to as a wedding or a marriage?
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TomatoTomahto
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by TomatoTomahto »

mptfan wrote: Sun Aug 12, 2018 7:25 am
TomatoTomahto wrote: Sun Aug 12, 2018 6:58 am
mptfan wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:52 pm
adam1712 wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:31 pm I probably should have said commitment ceremony but those are definitely a thing.
I didn't know that was a thing. Do you send out commitment ceremony invitations? I don't mean to be glib, I am genuinely curious. Do you make it clear when you invite people that it is a commitment ceremony and not a wedding? I just have never heard of that. And what do you say in the vows?
Think about it. What do you think committed same sex couples did, or do where the church/government won’t recognize their union? And, yes, you do sound glib and condescending.
I knew it was a thing for same sex couples, but the OP is heterosexual, so implied in my question was I did not know that was a thing for heterosexuals. I'm not being glib or condescending, I did not know about it and I am genuinely curious. When the invitations go out for a commitment ceremony, is it referred to as a wedding or a marriage?
My apologies if I painted you with an inappropriate brush. Tbh, I don’t know/remember what the invitations say. It’s their party, so probably fielder’s choice.
I get the FI part but not the RE part of FIRE.
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by RudyS »

Maybe a diversion, but this was asked more than once: possible wording: (via Google)
https://www.thespruce.com/commitment-ce ... ng-3489787
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scotthew
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by scotthew »

Just as an update to this for those following, since last posting the partner moved out to an apartment last month, suspended/terminated couples counseling, stopped wearing the engagement ring, and is leaving me hanging as to if she can keep the relationship going with marriage off the table (for now) and living in separate residences. Somehow, I'm still trying to make it work out - separate finances and all. I think she is emotionally shattered, and frankly so am I, but I'm glutton for punishment.
Wakefield1
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by Wakefield1 »

scotthew wrote: Mon Jan 07, 2019 2:03 pm Just as an update to this for those following, since last posting the partner moved out to an apartment last month, suspended/terminated couples counseling, stopped wearing the engagement ring, and is leaving me hanging as to if she can keep the relationship going with marriage off the table (for now) and living in separate residences. Somehow, I'm still trying to make it work out - separate finances and all. I think she is emotionally shattered, and frankly so am I, but I'm glutton for punishment.
I think you should put your children first as far as this "business" goes.
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8foot7
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by 8foot7 »

scotthew wrote: Mon Jan 07, 2019 2:03 pm Just as an update to this for those following, since last posting the partner moved out to an apartment last month, suspended/terminated couples counseling, stopped wearing the engagement ring, and is leaving me hanging as to if she can keep the relationship going with marriage off the table (for now) and living in separate residences. Somehow, I'm still trying to make it work out - separate finances and all. I think she is emotionally shattered, and frankly so am I, but I'm glutton for punishment.
Dude.
Cut. Bait.
Texanbybirth
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by Texanbybirth »

I hope you're still getting your own counseling. If not, it might not be a bad time to start. She's got your hanging on by a thread, and as a financially successful person that can be a dangerous position to be in. Just because you have a lot of money doesn't mean you're good at navigating relationships. Counseling is nothing to be ashamed of, and I'm sure your children will appreciate your showing them your courage to go to counseling, too.

I hope you come quickly to the realization that your relationship with this woman is over, and I'm so very happy for you that you avoided a seemingly very bad marriage before you found out. I wish you the best!
“The strong cannot be brave. Only the weak can be brave; and yet again, in practice, only those who can be brave can be trusted, in time of doubt, to be strong.“ - GK Chesterton
fru-gal
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by fru-gal »

scotthew wrote: Mon Jan 07, 2019 2:03 pm Just as an update to this for those following, since last posting the partner moved out to an apartment last month, suspended/terminated couples counseling, stopped wearing the engagement ring, and is leaving me hanging as to if she can keep the relationship going with marriage off the table (for now) and living in separate residences. Somehow, I'm still trying to make it work out - separate finances and all. I think she is emotionally shattered, and frankly so am I, but I'm glutton for punishment.
I'm sorry this didn't work out. You can still be friends, maybe friends with benefits.
dknightd
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by dknightd »

Sorry for you loss
Retired 2019. So far, so good. I want to wake up every morning. But I want to die in my sleep. Just another conundrum. I think the solution might be afternoon naps ;)
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FlyAF
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by FlyAF »

8foot7 wrote: Mon Jan 07, 2019 2:45 pm
scotthew wrote: Mon Jan 07, 2019 2:03 pm Just as an update to this for those following, since last posting the partner moved out to an apartment last month, suspended/terminated couples counseling, stopped wearing the engagement ring, and is leaving me hanging as to if she can keep the relationship going with marriage off the table (for now) and living in separate residences. Somehow, I'm still trying to make it work out - separate finances and all. I think she is emotionally shattered, and frankly so am I, but I'm glutton for punishment.
Dude.
Cut. Bait.
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sergio
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by sergio »

Sorry things didn't work out.

I must have missed this original thread from way back when. Yuck, what a mess and total buzzkill to the whole idea of marriage. What was even the point of marrying if the financial and legal picture becomes so complicated? This is why I'm giving marriage exactly one shot.
WhiteMaxima
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by WhiteMaxima »

You are mid-40's with 2 kids. Partner late 30's no kids
Lucky you. Now you screw it. :oops:
Bully3000
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by Bully3000 »

Also Divorced here and been thinking about this for future.

Currently my girlfriend lives with me and I only have her split the groceries, I have my children 50% of the time and kept the house from my Divorce and have a nice chunk of equity in it, the house is in a living trust and the children are beneficiaries.

My GF earns good money and i believe I can get the house paid in the next 8 year and will probably be another 18months plus before we think about getting married

My plan when we plan to marry which we do and have already discussed is to have a prenup in place so the house we live in remains solely mine and any upgrades or income used from my earnings remain separate property and this is same for retirement accounts since at 37 I cannot afford to take another hit in the future if I ever plan to retire :happy My GF is happy since all her income practically is disposable, she has a nice amount of savings so feels secure and once I have paid of this house we plan to continue to live here and buy a rental property together or rent current home and buy a new property together, since the current house serves all our purposes it would be almost too inconvenient to move. We did at one point think about selling and buying together and she mentioned something similar about not paying equal and I mentioned that I would put in an equal deposit to her and we pay equally or we would work on a percentage and only retain ownership to the % we paid. Sounds harsh but anyone who has experienced divorce knows how financially devastating it can be and when you are responsibly for children from a Prior marriage also most reasonable people understand that its not personal and marriage is a contract in itself so a prenup and fair financial plan is only fair also to ensure no one gets screwed at a later date,
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Sandi_k
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by Sandi_k »

masha12 wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 11:06 pm
mptfan wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:26 pm
adam1712 wrote: Fri Aug 10, 2018 11:14 amAlso, being legally married might not make sense currently but that might not mean you couldn't have a wedding and present yourself more like a married couple. You might need to check the common-law marriage rules on that.
Are there people who invite their friends and family to a wedding ceremony and go through with a wedding and have someone pronounce them to be man and wife but not be legally married? Maybe I'm out of touch, but I didn't know that was a thing.
Whitecoatinvestor.com just had a guest post from a doctor who did this in order to work the loan forgiveness program to his advantage. The only people who knew it wasn't a "real" wedding were the couple's parents and presumably (as one of the commentators pointed out) the "officiant" who would not have completed a marriage license.
This seems super-dangerous, especially if the asset owner dies first or the couple breaks up. Given "palimony" rulings and other lawsuits, I'd be fearful that the spurned person could argue that they presented as spouses, had a "wedding", etc., and are therefore entitled to the same assets as a divorce would allow. And again - back in prenup land!

So, IMO, a "pretend wedding" is no solution at all.
bogledyte2018
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by bogledyte2018 »

wow, just came across this post. Super tricky situation! My thoughts are firstly, if she is seeing your kids as she does that will not bode well for them. I remember my Stepmonster stopping my Dad from buying me new sneakers, (when i was 10yo) because it wasn't fair to her (grown) kids. And a whole super long list of weird financial restrictions, resulting in no relationship with my father.

I'm divorced with 2 kids and I did discuss living together with a long term boyfriend. He wanted us to buy a house together but had zero to deposit, (he had a good job and income, I owned my house). This didn't work out for a bunch of reasons but also due to him stating I'd have to do his washing.....errr what???

I have no idea how blended families make it. I've had friends try and fail. I've decided not to date at all for a while, all my focus is on my kids. And if I was to remarry I think I'd like to keep my house separate as my own forever. I'd never want to go through a financial war again or have to leave my "home". Keeping the Home separate I think makes the best sense. And I like to think I'd be leaving a place so my kids would always have a home. A future partner could always own a separate rental or investments..

Good luck
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dm200
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by dm200 »

bogledyte2018 wrote: Mon Jan 07, 2019 4:33 pm wow, just came across this post. Super tricky situation! My thoughts are firstly, if she is seeing your kids as she does that will not bode well for them. I remember my Stepmonster stopping my Dad from buying me new sneakers, (when i was 10yo) because it wasn't fair to her (grown) kids. And a whole super long list of weird financial restrictions, resulting in no relationship with my father.
I'm divorced with 2 kids and I did discuss living together with a long term boyfriend. He wanted us to buy a house together but had zero to deposit, (he had a good job and income, I owned my house). This didn't work out for a bunch of reasons but also due to him stating I'd have to do his washing.....errr what???
I have no idea how blended families make it. I've had friends try and fail. I've decided not to date at all for a while, all my focus is on my kids. And if I was to remarry I think I'd like to keep my house separate as my own forever. I'd never want to go through a financial war again or have to leave my "home". Keeping the Home separate I think makes the best sense. And I like to think I'd be leaving a place so my kids would always have a home. A future partner could always own a separate rental or investments..
Good luck
While such "blended" families often face severe "challenges", over the years I have known several cases where everything works out just fine - even great. One of my close relatives (his first and only marriage) married a divorced woman with a young daughter (perhaps 4 or 5 at the time). She had joint custody with her ex. They had two daughters together. Everyone seems to get along (they have been married 35 years) - and her ex is like a member of the family.
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Summit111
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by Summit111 »

I’ll tell you what we did. Second marriage for both of us, and we each had a paid for house. All of our kids were grown and out of college. We keep separate finances, and we kept both houses. We use one during the week, and the other as a weekend and vacation getaway.

When we got married, we had similar incomes and financial assets. All of her assets will go to her kids, and all of my assets will go to mine.

The trick was to find someone compatible emotionally, and financially. We’ve been married for 14 years, with no issues the original poster brought up. The kids all know and have copies of our wills and estate planning. Everyone is satisfied with the arrangement.

Summit
“Got my mind on my money, and my money on my mind!” Snoop Dog
Leemiller
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Re: Joint Ownership of home with second wife

Post by Leemiller »

msk wrote: Sat Aug 04, 2018 4:43 am Go back and remarry the first wife. It's probably many years since you split and you are now both older and wiser. What seemed like insurmountable differences at the time have possibly diminished significantly in prominence. By the time you are both in your 70s you may well wonder why you divorced in the first place.

OK, not always practical. Just rent the accommodation with the new wife and pay 3/4 of the rent. And hope...
+1

A good friend feels this way about her first husband.

Seriously OP, this is too much work and drama pre-marriage. It will only get worse. I would never ever get married to someone with so much strife at the front end.
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