Toughest Purchase of my Life. Engagement Ring time

[MortgageOnBlack]

I've spent many months on Blue Nile and I can't push myself to pull the trigger on an engagement ring.

Although I'm sure my girl would be extremely happy. To me, it's a complete waste of money.

How can I get over this? The current ring I'm looking at 1.1 Carat, round diamond, color I, VS2, Perfect Symmetry, Polish, proportions, in a beautiful Solitaire is going to run me nearly $7800. very minimal inclusions; eye-clean. The ring is perfect!! I love the ring and I'm sure she would, but I can't do it.

Any advice? Will this purchase seem like peanuts as time passes?

[randomguy]

Sort of depends on if 7800 is 25% of a years savings or 200% of a years savings. Compared to the rest of the cost of marriage, it is noise. Being married will either cost your or make you orders of magnitude more than that.

[Pajamas]

Any advice? Will this purchase seem like peanuts as time passes?

Hard to say without context. What's your net worth and annual income, before and after marriage?

Warren Buffett said that his two best investments have been the two wedding rings he bought for his wives but I don't think he mentioned engagement rings.

[jebmke]

I receive a dividend every day on the "investment" in my spouse's ring. Every once in a while there is a capital gain distribution when someone notices her ring and she smiles and shows it off.

[MortgageOnBlack]

34 years old. income: 70k, currently have 35k cash in Emergency fund. 90K in retirement accounts. Extremely frugal (drive 91 civic) and all bills minimized. Girlfriend contributes 50% to all shared expenses (mortgage, utilities, shared house expenses, etc...). No debt other than mortgage 217K in hot Denver area. Career Outlook is very good.

[simplesimon]

Other people will ask about your income, net worth, current outstanding debt, etc. Assuming you can afford it and it's what she really wants, just pull the trigger. I felt the same way before I got engaged but got it because it's what she wanted. I'm sure there are a few very expensive things of mine she wouldn't spend any money on. We save a lot and live comfortably.

[Jack FFR1846]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

[Frank Grimes]

Yup you'll be fine.

[f35phixer]

i lost mine and DW only wears hers on special times. yes buy the ring !!!!!!!!!!!!

[MortgageOnBlack]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

[Darth Xanadu]

Other people will ask about your income, net worth, current outstanding debt, etc. Assuming you can afford it and it's what she really wants, just pull the trigger. I felt the same way before I got engaged but got it because it's what she wanted. I'm sure there are a few very expensive things of mine she wouldn't spend any money on. We save a lot and live comfortably.

I agree with this.

I spent a little bit more (a few thousand) than I had planned on an engagement ring, but I wanted to get a specific estate/vintage ring that she loved and felt connected to. I regret nothing.

[Darth Xanadu]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

Yes, but is your prospective fiance one of those other people? If not, why consider a ring at all?

[MortgageOnBlack]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

Yes, but is your prospective fiance one of those other people? If not, why consider a ring at all?

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

[LarryAllen]

I'd spend more than you are comfortable with because you want her to look back in 20 years and still be impressed with it. I speak from experience. My wife looks at her ring and still smiles. If anything I wish I had gone a little bigger and/or better but even still I went well above "budget" back in the day. Go for it!

[BogleMelon]

When she becomes your wife, your tax deductible will doubled when you file jointly. That tax deduction will result in a lower tax bill and thus will offset some (or all) of the ring cost depending on your tax bracket. Feel better now?

[MortgageOnBlack]

I'd spend more than you are comfortable with because you want her to look back in 20 years and still be impressed with it. I speak from experience. My wife looks at her ring and still smiles. If anything I wish I had gone a little bigger and/or better but even still I went well above "budget" back in the day. Go for it!

That's how i feel. I went into this with 4-5k... 7800 is well above the budget and I would definitely feel confident giving this ring to her. Just the amount on my savings... *sting*

[LarryAllen]

I spent a little bit more (a few thousand) than I had planned on an engagement ring, but I wanted to get a specific estate/vintage ring that she loved and felt connected to. I regret nothing.

Yup. I especially like "I regret nothing." Good words!

Do it right because hopefully you only have one chance to get an engagement ring.

[simplesimon]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

Yes, but is your prospective fiance one of those other people? If not, why consider a ring at all?

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

You should be on the same page before you pull the trigger. Just based on the few of your responses here it doesn't sound like you're ready.

[MortgageOnBlack]

When she becomes your wife, your tax deductible will doubled when you file jointly. That tax deduction will result in a lower tax bill and thus will offset some (or all) of the ring cost depending on your tax bracket. Feel better now?

Nice perspective.

[MortgageOnBlack]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

Yes, but is your prospective fiance one of those other people? If not, why consider a ring at all?

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

You should be on the same page before you pull the trigger. Just based on the few of your responses here it doesn't sound like you're ready.

Overall, financially we are pretty compatible, but I feel talking about this stuff will kind of ruin the surprise.

[Investing.Newbie]

I was in the same boat six years back. Pulled the trigger & bought the ring. Never regretted my decision. My wife still admires the ring & puts a smile on her face when talking about it. Worth every penny!

[il0kin]

Happiness is not measured in dollars and cents - if you love the woman, and want to spend the rest of your life with her, it will be worth every penny. Give her something she can be PROUD of, engagement rings are not something to skimp and save a few bucks on. Buy it and never look back!

[Mike Scott]

Have you asked her what she wants? Have you discussed this and any other potential concerns about finances and lifestyle?

[daheld]

On a $70k income, an $8,000 ring seems steep to me.

I was in a very similar financial situation in terms of income and savings, but was about 4 years younger than you, when I proposed. I wound up spending about $4,000 for engagement ring and wedding band.

I think this is a purely personal decision and if you can rationalize it, then that's probably ok, albeit a lot of money on your income with your amount saved. The fact that you're asking internet strangers about a decision for what to spend on your future wife's ring tells me you're probably not really able to rationalize it and are looking for others to do so.

I'm not an ultra, super, over the top frugal insane person--I think you should spend a chunk of money on a nice ring for a person you love. I think it's healthy, after saving responsibly, to splurge some--but the price tag seems high.

[BolderBoy]

Any advice? Will this purchase seem like peanuts as time passes?

Yes, it will.

Suggestion: make the proposal be the surprise and take her to the jewelry store to pick out the ring of HER choice (not yours).

[H-Town]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

^. Emphasis: Cubic Zirconia.

My wife is frugal but she likes the symbolism and tradition of an engagement ring. Combine those two: I got her a beautiful engagement ring under $30. She couldn't be happier. We saved that money we would've spent and spent on all the trips we've taken over the years.

[simplesimon]

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

Yes, but is your prospective fiance one of those other people? If not, why consider a ring at all?

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

You should be on the same page before you pull the trigger. Just based on the few of your responses here it doesn't sound like you're ready.

Overall, financially we are pretty compatible, but I feel talking about this stuff will kind of ruin the surprise.

Then she'll understand if you spend a lot less on the ring.

[Shallowpockets]

So, what do you think the wedding might cost you?

[KlangFool]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

Yes, but is your prospective fiance one of those other people? If not, why consider a ring at all?

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

MortgageOnBlack.

Come on. You are about to get married. This is one of those things that you need to get an understanding on. Ask her. You are sharing finances.

IMHO, it is not reasonable to spend this kind of money on an engagement ring with your current financial situation.

<<Every girl's dream.>>

You are not marrying every girl. It is one particular person. For example, my wife prefers cold hard cash than any engagement ring.

KlangFool

[MortgageOnBlack]

On a $70k income, an $8,000 ring seems steep to me.

I was in a very similar financial situation in terms of income and savings, but was about 4 years younger than you, when I proposed. I wound up spending about $4,000 for engagement ring and wedding band.

I think this is a purely personal decision and if you can rationalize it, then that's probably ok, albeit a lot of money on your income with your amount saved. The fact that you're asking internet strangers about a decision for what to spend on your future wife's ring tells me you're probably not really able to rationalize it and are looking for others to do so.

I'm not an ultra, super, over the top frugal insane person--I think you should spend a chunk of money on a nice ring for a person you love. I think it's healthy, after saving responsibly, to splurge some--but the price tag seems high.

You're right, I am trying to rationalize this purchase and I appreciate many perspectives. I'm just not sure if my feelings are normal. This process has taught me a lot about myself with money. When I've been in my only bubble only worrying about myself it's been easy. It's just hard to justify spending that much on a rock when I have never spent that much on a car. For the record, I had no problem buying a house with my girlfriend (50/50 ownership) and with other shared purchased. For some reason, a diamond just feels like a big scam thanks to the De Beers.

[KlangFool]

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

Yes, but is your prospective fiance one of those other people? If not, why consider a ring at all?

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

You should be on the same page before you pull the trigger. Just based on the few of your responses here it doesn't sound like you're ready.

Overall, financially we are pretty compatible, but I feel talking about this stuff will kind of ruin the surprise.

MortgageOnBlack,

What makes you think that the surprise would not be on the bad side?

Aka, how dare you spend our money on this expensive ring?

KlangFool

[Jags4186]

With any luck all the gifts you receive when getting married should offset what you spend on the ring/wedding. Go for it!

[delamer]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

Yes, but is your prospective fiance one of those other people? If not, why consider a ring at all?

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

They are not every girl’s dream. I had no desire for a big, expensive wedding, because it is just one day. But I did want a nice ring because I knew I’d be looking at it every day.

Why not ask her if you can only say “probably?” You should be communicating on these expenditures.

[alfaspider]

I've spent many months on Blue Nile and I can't push myself to pull the trigger on an engagement ring.

Although I'm sure my girl would be extremely happy. To me, it's a complete waste of money.

How can I get over this? The current ring I'm looking at 1.1 Carat, round diamond, color I, VS2, Perfect Symmetry, Polish, proportions, in a beautiful Solitaire is going to run me nearly $7800. very minimal inclusions; eye-clean. The ring is perfect!! I love the ring and I'm sure she would, but I can't do it.

Any advice? Will this purchase seem like peanuts as time passes?

Where are you shopping? We paid $4k in the NYC diamond district for an eye-clean 1 carat (slightly over) solitaire including setting. Saved a decent chunk of change buying a diamond with one of the "second tier" rating certificates. To my untrained eye, it looks like a "perfect" diamond. I'm sure a jeweler looking under a loupe could point out the flaws, but I can't. Mall storefronts stores were double the price and Tiffany's was triple for what looked to be identical rings. What's the point of going nicer than that? Resell value is going to be bad no matter what you buy.

Finally, I would consider just buying a fake "dummy" ring for a proposal and then shopping together for the real ring. I had to end up eating a few hundred dollars to return when the ring I picked out wasn't what my spouse wanted. That way you guys can also have a joint discussion about how much to spend.

That $4k was a lot of money to me back then. Today, it would't be a big deal. Still, I'm glad we didn't blow twice as much. You pretty much forget about the ring itself once you are married.

[daheld]

On a $70k income, an $8,000 ring seems steep to me.

I was in a very similar financial situation in terms of income and savings, but was about 4 years younger than you, when I proposed. I wound up spending about $4,000 for engagement ring and wedding band.

I think this is a purely personal decision and if you can rationalize it, then that's probably ok, albeit a lot of money on your income with your amount saved. The fact that you're asking internet strangers about a decision for what to spend on your future wife's ring tells me you're probably not really able to rationalize it and are looking for others to do so.

I'm not an ultra, super, over the top frugal insane person--I think you should spend a chunk of money on a nice ring for a person you love. I think it's healthy, after saving responsibly, to splurge some--but the price tag seems high.

You're right, I am trying to rationalize this purchase and I appreciate many perspectives. I'm just not sure if my feelings are normal. This process has taught me a lot about myself with money. When I've been in my only bubble only worrying about myself it's been easy. It's just hard to justify spending that much on a rock when I have never spent that much on a car. For the record, I had no problem buying a house with my girlfriend (50/50 ownership) and with other shared purchased. For some reason, a diamond just feels like a big scam thanks to the De Beers.

Totally get it. A lot of the things you're thinking are totally normal and I thought many of the same things. Once you're married for a while and are dropping YOUR money (both of your money, I mean) on property taxes, a home, etc., this will seem less significant. I got my wife a beautiful ring that absolutely blows her away every time she looks at it (from *gasp* a CHAIN jewelry store in a mall) for a lot less. I think there's a happy medium between getting something that she is amazed by, and spending a responsible amount of money. You absolutely shouldn't cheap out and get her a cubic zirconia if that's not what you want to do. But my perspective is that spending $8,000 (more than that after protection plans and such) on a ring with your income and savings is not responsible. Shop around--you can spend a few grand less and still get a great ring that will amaze her.

[MnyGrl]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

Yes, but is your prospective fiance one of those other people? If not, why consider a ring at all?

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

"Every girl's dream"? Hahahahahahaha...

If she is not on the same financial page as you are, better to know it now. Have you discussed finances and priorities for when you are married?

[FoolMeOnce]

She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

You don't know enough girls. And from the sound of it, you might not even know this about your girlfriend.

My wife was happy with a <$1,000, non-diamond ring and a donation to a couple charities she liked.

[LawEgr1]

First off, future congratulations to you.

My spouse didn't like diamonds as much as sapphires , which brings me to my recommendation -

Suggest looking at alternative materials. The sapphire (blue, in this case) ran about 80% less cost and looks fantastic against the diamond bands (+1 extra band). For kicks, I priced the same ring and band with the same physical size diamond of above average quality and it ran about $7,000 higher What she has now is completely unique and an attention grabber because of it!



We always thought if she wanted a diamond that bad in the future, we'd pay for it then.

[FRWildcat]

My understanding is you should spend two months salary on an engagement ring. That would be $11,666 on a $70k salary.

Coincidentally pretty close to your first years $12k deduction.

[cj2018]

I've spent many months on Blue Nile and I can't push myself to pull the trigger on an engagement ring.

Although I'm sure my girl would be extremely happy. To me, it's a complete waste of money.

How can I get over this? The current ring I'm looking at 1.1 Carat, round diamond, color I, VS2, Perfect Symmetry, Polish, proportions, in a beautiful Solitaire is going to run me nearly $7800. very minimal inclusions; eye-clean. The ring is perfect!! I love the ring and I'm sure she would, but I can't do it.

Any advice? Will this purchase seem like peanuts as time passes?

Dude, buy the ring! (assuming it won't cost you a fortune like over 50% of NW).

Yes, it's a terrible consumer purchase and diamond engagement ring will be worth absolutely $0 once you buy it since there's no resale value for it. But the long term ROI of a lovely wife and happy family is priceless.

PS: speaking as someone who spent a low six-figure on Harry Winston ring.

[SirToolman]

I bought a solitaire, little over 1 carat for about 5 grand. This was at a local jewelry store. Do you have any you could shop around at? Two tips I got along the way:

- I didn't do this one, but look for a diamond just below the 1 carat mark. 1 carat is a mark that most people aim for and so diamonds are priced accordingly. You wont be able to tell the difference between 1 carat and .98 carats.

- In a solitaire setting you can be more flexible on the color scale, since there are no other diamonds to "compare" it to.

Good luck!

[alfaspider]

My understanding is you should spend two months salary on an engagement ring. That would be $11,666 on a $70k salary.

Coincidentally pretty close to your first years $12k deduction.

Your "understanding" is based on a diamond industry marketing push. IMO, two months salary on a rock is insane. That being said, I was still a student when I got married, so by that metric I suppose I could have gone with a cracker jack box ring

[northtexan]

Depending on where you live I would check out a local jeweler that has loose diamonds. I recently got engaged and purchased a ring locally and though it was a great deal. It was a 1.22 carat, VS2, I, cushion cut, seated in a cheaper ring. I believe that it was about 5k. But the experience to be able to physically look at the diamond is great. If your in the Dallas area I would check out diamonds direct, they also offer online sales that you could compare to blue nile.

[KlangFool]

OP,

My wife tells me point blank that I should never ever spend our money on a diamond ring. If I ever feel like buying one, she prefers that I give her the cold hard cash. She knows how to spend that money on herself.

KlangFool

[jminv]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

Yes, but is your prospective fiance one of those other people? If not, why consider a ring at all?

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

Then you should buy her a diamond ring.

I would be cautious with cubic zirconia option since you don't want to discuss it with her and you assume she will want the diamond. She will ask if it's 'real' and whether you are or aren't truthful about it will have consequences at different points in time. If you did talk to her about it beforehand and she was happy with it then that would be an option.

Although surprise is good, you should get her ring size somehow so you don't have to have it resized. It could be a good opportunity to talk about it. I did it with my wife. You could approach her expectations if you want.

Hopefully she's the kind of woman who doesn't care about brands, either, and is happy with blue nile. Tiffany's and the like have managed to turn what is a commodity into something they charge a 250%+ markup for.

The diamond you are looking at will be right around the average size for usa with a price just above average, apparently. Generally, it's a good idea to get at least the average since she will compare her ring to other rings. It does depend on who is 'average' around her, though. Make sure it's as big as her mother's.

When I bought my wife's engagement ring, I used blue nile and liked it. They also have a diamond trade up program which might be somewhat interesting since it lets you upgrade as your cashflow and wealth increase. If you buy a diamond through someone else, make them show (and give if you buy) the GIA or equivalent certificate. This ensures you are getting what they say you are. Blue nile's net margin is 2.19% so it's not like they're raking it in.

[bottlecap]

If she will like it and you can afford it, get it. She will wear it every day and it will be well worth it.

If she doesn’t like it, most places give you a certain time to return or exchange. I don’t know about Blue Nile.

Good luck,

JT

[bligh]

Can you afford it? Sure. By the usual guidelines of spending ~2 months paycheck on the engagement ring. I wouldn't do it though.

Okay, I am going to go heavily against the prevalent culture here even though I might end up getting flamed for it.

Please consider that this marriage tax was not present (or atleast was much lower) prior to the De Beers marketing campaign managed to make it part of our culture.

It's a shiny rock. It sits on a finger and does nothing more. Do you need that rock to symbolize your love for her? Does that rock have to be more than 1 carat? Does that rock have to be a natural diamond or can it be manufactured? Can it be any precious stone? Can it be any shiny stone?

At your current income it looks like you'll end up working for 2 months (after tax) to pay for this ring. 2 months you will never get back. Have you considered all the alternatives? How about you spent that $8000 more on your honeymoon with your wife? Put that $8K towards a new car? Give $8K to an orphanage or some other cause you care about? Save the $8K and boost your retirement accounts by almost 10%? Invest the $8K and at a 7% return, it is going to be $65K when you retire @ 65. I am sure she will enjoy looking at the ring every now and then, and I am sure a lot of women will compliment it every now and then. Is that worth $65K when you retire to the two of you?

Yes I am happily married. Yes I spent a small fraction of the amount you are looking to spend. It was a diamond ring but it wasn't flawless, 1 ct, extra super special cut with brilliant fire dazzling powers.

Anyway, You asked for advice, I gave you mine. If it makes you and her happy, ignore me and go for it. Every person is different with different goals and priorities. As long as they are happy.

Either way, Really happy for you guys, Best of luck! Hope she says yes.

[frugalmama]

My question is...Will it make her happy to be engaged or the ring itself will make her happy? Believe it or not, it is not every girl's dream...only some girls'. I know several who didn't want huge rings or huge weddings. For me, I wouldn't want a ring that expensive and would feel it was a waste of money. I am assuming your girl friend doesn't share your frugal habits to the same extent and wants that fairy tale wedding...have you guys discussed that? If the ring itself will make her happy and you are sure she is the one, purchase it. Money is a means to an end, not an end. Otherwise, go with something less expensive and pocket the $...or spend it on a nice trip for the two of you. That has been the best money spent in my marriage...half the time I don't even wear my ring and neither does my husband.

[pejp]

34 years old. income: 70k, currently have 35k cash in Emergency fund. 90K in retirement accounts. Extremely frugal (drive 91 civic) and all bills minimized. Girlfriend contributes 50% to all shared expenses (mortgage, utilities, shared house expenses, etc...). No debt other than mortgage 217K in hot Denver area. Career Outlook is very good.

Go and see Jeremy Oster. Blue Nile is cr@p. He has a great selection, and is very trustworthy. Don't buy a diamond online. He'll also mount it on a white gold band for a few hundred, which he'll refund and credit towards a permanent setting if you get it from him (although the 'temporary setting' we picked, she still has 2 years on).

My advice, to make yourself feel better about this, buy quality over size. Trust me, a very high quality .8ct looks a lot more impressive than a mediocre 1.1ct. You'll feel better knowing you bought something high quality.

Also, don't listen to these 'if you earn X per month, you should spend 3 * X on an engagement ring' rules....it's just marketing. I have a fairly high income, and I spent around $9k, because it was perfect for what she wanted. That's all that matters.

[Absolutely!]

Agree that 'two months salary' as amount to spend on a ring is pure marketing.

Way back at that time, I bought a reasonable ring, then later bought a larger stone to mount into the same setting, had the smaller stone put into a basic ring. Looking back, we spent under the norm as per marketing, but in our circle it would have been pretty much the norm.

Today, if the ring was lost, or the stone itself came out and was lost, without hesitation we'd replace it with a CZ.
Yes, we've talked about it, we could easily afford a replacement, but in reality, it's just a rock on a ring and has little monetary value.

Real or CZ, for us at this point, it would be CZ with her full knowledge and blessing.
Back then, a CZ probably wouldn't have cut it though.

For reference, been happily married to the same wonderful woman for decades.
Amazing how views of what matters changes over time.