your favorite quotes & one-liners

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jeff mc
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your favorite quotes & one-liners

Post by jeff mc »

i always think a quote's effectiveness and/or humor is inversely proportional to its length (sorry to get all boolean on ya). i never read jokes longer than a few sentences and if someone starts into a long-winded repetitive joke, i always stop them and ask to just get to the punchline (yup, i'm just a social butterfly at parties!)

so, at the risk of getting into politics, sex, or religion (are there any other kind of jokes?!), what's your best short quote(s) about finances, life, etc. i know this could quickly delve into NC-17 / R rated stuff, but please censor yourself... i think we've all seen enough blond/sexist/political jokes to last us a lifetime... (uhhh... how many are in a 'brazilian'?)

i see some good quotes on signatures and know that's just the tip of the diehard iceberg of pithy quotes and one-liners. so, any other short soundbites to share? here's some random quotes that have stuck w/ me:

========
- I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

- The less we know, the longer the explanation.

- What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

- Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.

- The four most dangerous words in investing are 'This time it's different.'

- One of the strange things about life is that the poor, who need money the most, are the very ones that never have it.

- When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

- No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood.

- Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"

- Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.

- Science may be described as the art of systematic over-simplification.

- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research

- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

- Brevity is the soul of wit!
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cfs
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Six extremely important words

Post by cfs »

I admit I made a mistake.
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bottlecap
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Post by bottlecap »

I don't know if this qualifies, but I always liked what Calvin Coolidge, who was notoriously tight-lipped, supposedly said to a lady at a white house dinner.

According to legend, she announced to the President that she had heard that he wasn't much of a talker, and informed him that she placed a wager with a fellow diner that that she could get him to say more than two words during the meal.

He looked at her and simply responded, "You lose." He didn't open his mouth for the remainder of the meal.

Call me a one-issue voter, but I'd have voted for the guy on that basis alone...
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NAVigator
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Post by NAVigator »

To put things in perspective;

Money
It can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy you a position, but not respect.
It can buy you a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy you medicine, but not health.



Jerry
"I was born with nothing and I have most of it left."
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Goldfinger
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Post by Goldfinger »

Great thread, chuckD!

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

She offered her honor, he honored her offer. All night long he was on her and off her. (Hope that wasn't too strong!)

:oops:

Here's to our girlfriends and wives; may they never meet! - Groucho Marx

“Don't sweat the small things and never let some one get to you. It's like letting that person live rent free in your head."
"At cocktail parties lovely ladies would corner me and ask my opinion of the market, but alas, when they learned I was a bond man, they would quietly drift away." -- Sidney Homer/Salomon Bros
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Post by FEDFERS »

NAVigator wrote:To put things in perspective;

Money:

It can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy you a position, but not respect.
It can buy you a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy you medicine, but not health.
uh...
It can buy you sex but not love?
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Spyder
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Re: your favorite quotes & one-liners

Post by Spyder »

It's too bad whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.

When you go to a job interview, I think a good question to ask is if they ever press charges.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him right off again.

Sometimes I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy owed me a lot of money."

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute!!! I thought we won!!!"

When the Viking Age came to a close, the Vikings must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

edit: to correct mis-spellings.
Last edited by Spyder on Tue Jul 03, 2007 8:28 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Anything free | costs twice as much | in the long run | or turns out worthless." | -Robert A. Heinlein (The Moon is a Harsh Mistress)
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JMacDonald
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Post by JMacDonald »

Hi,
I always try to follow the advice of Will Rogers:

"Buy a stock and when it goes up, sell it....
If it don't go up, then don't buy it."

Best Wishes,
Joe
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Post by mikenz »

Or Mark Twain...
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks.

The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February
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Post by mikenz »

I recognize some Steven Wright in the above quotes. Some other quotes of his (I think):

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
quidditchfan073
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my fav quote's

Post by quidditchfan073 »

There is nothing to fear but fear itself. - FDR

And so, my fellow americans: ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country. - JFK

Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man. And man can be as big as he wants. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings. - JFK
Pacific
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Post by Pacific »

One of my all-time favorite quotes concerned the rivalry between British Conservative and Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli and British Liberal and Prime Minister William Gladstone. Somebody once asked Disraeli if he knew the difference between a disaster and a catastrophe. Disraeli thought for a few minutes then explained that a disaster would occur if Gladstone ever fell into the River Thames. A catastrophe would happen, he continued, if someone should pull him out.

Also, Gladstone was known to his supporters as GOM – the "Grand Old Man." Disraeli is said to have remarked that GOM should have stood for “God's Only Mistake.”

Finally, anything said by Yogi Berra.
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Snippets from the Bard:

Post by Barry Barnitz »

The quality of mercy is not strain'd. It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven. Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest; It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

We are such things as dreams are made on.

If all the year were playing holidays, To sport would be as tedious as to work.

Men of few words are the best men.

Poor and content is rich enough.
Additional administrative tasks: Financial Page bogleheads.org. blog; finiki the Canadian wiki; The Bogle Center for Financial Literacy site; La Guía Bogleheads® España site.
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Post by wastenot »

"A weed is a plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered." - Attributed to Emerson
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Post by snowbound »

"God gave me everything I wanted in life, except for time." From my wife before passing away at the age of 49.

"Fat drunk and stupid is no way to go through life" Animal House
"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure"
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Post by alec »

I can't believe this one hasn't been brought out yet:

"The market can stay irrational longer than you can stay solvent." - Keynes

and

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics" - B. Disraeli

and from George Carlin:

"Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?"

"When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?"

""I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"

[for Emergdoc]"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect."

"Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?"

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

- Alec
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Post by fire5soon »

It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care...

Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.
Both by Peter Gibbons in Office Space.
The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.
Ayn Rand

These are just a few I can think of off hand that I like.
A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do. - Bob Dylan
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tat2ng
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Re: your favorite quotes & one-liners

Post by tat2ng »

Spyder wrote:It's too bad whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.
Spyder,
Are some or most of those quotes from SNL's Jack Handy?
It seems like his style. I love his stuff.
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
And...
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
See http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandy.com/ for tons more.

Thad
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Spyder
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Re: your favorite quotes & one-liners

Post by Spyder »

- We have to believe in free will. We've got no other choice.
Isaac Bashevis Singer

- When all else fails, read the instructions.
Agnes Allen

- It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

- I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Anonymous

- The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.
Ronnie Barker

- Modesty is my best quality.
Jack Benny

- If you aren't confused about quantum physics, then you haven't really understood it.
Niels Bohr

- Instant Gratification takes too long.
Carrie Fisher

- If there's a 50-50 chance something can go wrong, then nine times out of ten it will.
Paul Harvey

- A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don't need it.
Bob Hope

- Wall Street indexes predicted nine out of the last five recessions.
Paul A. Samuelson

- I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them.
George H. W. Bush

- People say I'm indecisive, but I don't know about that.
George H. W. Bush

- One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected.
George W. Bush

- My mom never saw the irony in calling me a sonofabitch.
Jack Nicholson

- A man who knows he is a fool is not a great fool.
Chuang-Tzu

- A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
Douglas Adams

edit: correct mis-spellings
Last edited by Spyder on Tue Jul 03, 2007 8:30 am, edited 2 times in total.
"Anything free | costs twice as much | in the long run | or turns out worthless." | -Robert A. Heinlein (The Moon is a Harsh Mistress)
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Spyder
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Re: your favorite quotes & one-liners

Post by Spyder »

tat2ng wrote:
Spyder wrote:It's too bad whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.
Spyder,
Are some or most of those quotes from SNL's Jack Handy?
It seems like his style. I love his stuff.
Yes, all of those were from "Deep Thoughts", by Jack Handy.

Jack Handy's deep thoughts were either really funny, or really bad.
"Anything free | costs twice as much | in the long run | or turns out worthless." | -Robert A. Heinlein (The Moon is a Harsh Mistress)
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Adrian Nenu
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Here are a few of my favorite quotes...

Post by Adrian Nenu »

Here are a few of my favorite quotes in no particular order:


"Stay the course!" - our friend and mentor, Jack Bogle

"The winning strategy is to build a globally diversified portfolio of passively managed funds that reflects your ability, willingness and need to take risk, and then having the discipline to stay the course." - Larry Swedroe, author of several fine investing books, friend and mentor.

"Invest your time actively and your money passively." - my friend & mentor Michael LeBoeuf, author of "The Millionaire In You"

"It's much more profitable to sell investing advice than to follow it." - Malcolm Forbes

"Sell down to your sleeping point" - J.P. Morgan

"If you do not understand diversification by the numbers, you cannot determine risk. If you cannot determine risk, you cannot determine suitability" - my friend & mentor Errold F.Moody, author of "No Nonsense Finance"

"There's a sucker born every minute" - P.T. Barnum

"Greed is good" - Gordon Gekko

"The best way to own common stocks is through an index fund" - Warren Buffett

"The bottom line is that after costs, the average actively managed Euro (or dollar, or yen) must underperform the average passively managed Euro (or dollar, or yen) in a market" - Prof. William Sharpe

Adrian
anenu@tampabay.rr.com
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Kathleen Ryan
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Quotes:

Post by Kathleen Ryan »

Croesus:
In peace the sons bury their fathers, but in war the fathers bury their sons.

Albert Einstein:
Great ideas often receive violent opposition from mediocre minds.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt:
I have seen war. I have seen war on land and sea. I have seen blood running from the wounded. I have seen the dead in the mud. I have seen cities destroyed. I have seen children starving. I have seen the agony of mothers and wives. I hate war.

General Douglas MacArthur:
FI know war as few other men now living know it, and nothing to me is more revolting. I have long advocated its complete abolition, as its very destructiveness on both friend and foe has rendered it useless as a method of settling international disputes.

George Bernard Shaw:
Indifference is the essence of inhumanity.

Tenneva Jordan:
A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.

Quotes about fathers:

Clarence Budington Kelland:
He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.

John Gregory Brown:
(Decorations in a Ruined Cemetery, 1994)

There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself.
Best wishes, | Kathleen
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Post by over65 »

Sayings that have nothing to do with investments but a lot to do with life; from a first generation American raised on a farm:

You can't make a silk purse out of a pig's ear.

Work on Sunday, rain on Monday.

I am sure there are more, but Mom is gone and I can't remember the rest.
ME
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jimgour
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Dolly Parton

Post by jimgour »

"Hey, it costs me a lot of money to look this cheap!"

[Dolly Parton]
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Post by Bounca »

"Do the hardest thing first"

-- My Grandfather (unless he swiped it from someone)
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Progress

Post by gatorking »

Progress doesn't come from early risers - progress is made by lazy men looking for easier ways to do things.
- Robert A. Heinlein
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tarkbud
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Hi Chuck

Post by tarkbud »

Murphy Was An Optimist

Time Wounds All Heals

Sandy
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Post by Quasimodo »

I can't remember it verbatim, but the French Romantic Era painter Delacroix said "If you can't draw someone falling from a second floor window, forget about becoming an artist."

John
Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions. | | Frank Lloyd Wright, architect (1867-1959)
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Opinion

Post by jimgour »

"If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science, it is opinion."

Robert A. Heinlein
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Post by bob90245 »

Compound interest is the eighth wonder of the world.

--Albert Einstein (?)
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Post by norm »

"Better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt" - Mark Twain

"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." - Woody Allen

"Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? " - George Carlin
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Orygun Jim
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Post by Orygun Jim »

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
Ronald Reagan
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Post by gunn_show »

"While most are dreaming of success, winners wake-up and work hard to achieve it."

"You always pass failure on the way to success." Mickey Rooney

"Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough." Og Mandino

"A champion is someone who sweats to exhaustion, even when no one else is watching." Bas Rutten
"The best life hack of all is to just put the work in and never give up." Bas Rutten
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Post by cudaman »

Confucius say:

- Man who live in glass house dress in basement

- Man who sit on tack get point

- Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion

- Man with one chopstick go hungry

- Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache

(Always loved the "Confucius Say" stuff)

Jerry
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Post by Levett »

Warren Buffett as quoted in today's Wall Street Journal:

"When someone with experience proposes a deal to someone with money, too often the fellow with money ends up with the experience, and the fellow with experience ends up with the money." :lol: Bob U.
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Rick
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Re: Here are a few of my favorite quotes...

Post by Rick »

Adrian Nenu wrote:

"Stay the course!" - our friend and mentor, Jack Bogle
Shouldn't this be the Diehard tag line?

Rick
"Money doesn't grow on fees." "Money in motion-costs money"
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Post by runthetrails »

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
-- Robert A. Heinlein

It is never too late to have a happy childhood.
-- Tom Robbins

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.
-- Tom Robbins

[edit :s/religion/theology/]
[edit added Tom Robbins quotes]
Last edited by runthetrails on Tue Jul 03, 2007 4:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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TnGuy
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Post by TnGuy »

From Duane Thomas, a running back for the Dallas Cowboys during the 70's, who once embarrassed a CBS announcer on national television who had just asked him, after winning Super Bowl VI, what it felt like to prevail in the ultimate game.

"If it's the ultimate game," Thomas responded, "then how come they're going to play it again next year?"



David
"Money will not make you happy. And happy will not make you money." - Groucho Marx
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Orwell

Post by TimDex »

"One has to belong to the intelligentsia to believe things like that; no ordinary man could be such a fool."

-- George Orwell
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post subject

Post by Jazzman »

"Money never sleeps" - Gordon Gekko from the movie Wall Street.
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Post by Stinger »

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't."—Eleanor Roosevelt

"Treat everyone the same until you find out they're an idiot."—Lucy Lawless

"There are only two truly infinite things, the universe and human stupidity; I am unsure about the universe."—Albert Einstein

"Imagination is a quality given to man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is."—Oscar Wilde

"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication."—Leonardo da Vinci

"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."—Albert Einstein

"Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul remains unawakened."—Anatole France

"Early in life I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. I chose the former and have seen no reason to change."—Frank Loyd Wright

"Life isn't for everybody."—Robin Williams
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Post by Lefty »

WORK SMARTER, not harder!

This has worked well for me. Sometimes we are working so hard we fail to see we are going in the wrong direction.
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Post by Latestarter »

Not everything that counts can be counted. And not everything that can be counted counts.

-- Albert Einstein
bolt
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A thought....

Post by bolt »

[removed at request of poster]
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Post by Judsen »

When contemplating the difference between humor and odor I thought:
Humor is a fleeting shift of wit.
If at first you don't succeed, cry and try again.
Jack Sprat could eat no fat. His wife was very mean. Jack Sprat ate fat.
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sayings

Post by pkcrafter »

"I don't know anyone who can time the market, and I don't know anyone who knows anyone that can time the market."
John Bogle

"A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works."
- John Gaule -

"I'm from the government and I'm here to help you."
?

"She was only a bootleggers daughter, but I loved her still."
?



Paul
When times are good, investors tend to forget about risk and focus on opportunity. When times are bad, investors tend to forget about opportunity and focus on risk.
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Post by Judsen »

She was only the stabler's daughter but all of the horsemen knew her.
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Post by mickeyd »

“I am the world’s greatest expert in what I’m about to tell you.” George Will
Part-Owner of Texas | | “The CMH-the Cost Matters Hypothesis -is all that is needed to explain why indexing must and will work… Yes, it is that simple.” John C. Bogle
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VictoriaF
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Post by VictoriaF »

Every joke has a bit of a joke. The rest is the truth.

Victoria
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VictoriaF
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Post by VictoriaF »

If you see a fork on the road - take it. (Yogi Berra)

Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate vegetables.

Victoria
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