Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Non-investing personal finance issues including insurance, credit, real estate, taxes, employment and legal issues such as trusts and wills.
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joelly
Posts: 513
Joined: Mon Oct 27, 2008 11:22 am

Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by joelly »

Hi Everyone,

I am having a hard time currently.

Well... not as hard as hubby (51 yo) who is now fighting cancer. He got diagnosed in Nov 2023 with a rare and aggressive cancer. He is getting chemo and immunotherapy for the first time last week. More coming this week.

We have a toddler (DD) who is 4.5 yrs old. Now, I'm the only one with income and the only caretaker for hubby, DD and a couple of small dogs. Saying that the stress is getting to me is an understatement.

He has Roth IRA, Traditional IRA, term life and planned funeral exp etc. He contributed to Roth IRA every year. He plans to file for disability but may need to use a lawyer for that.

We don't have a will, etc. Should we start calling a lawyer to put this together? Please help. My mind is all jumbled up at the moment.

How do I go about finding this information?

Please help me.

Thanks so much!

-joelly

EDITED to delete asking for diet information.
Last edited by joelly on Tue Feb 27, 2024 3:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
cadreamer2015
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by cadreamer2015 »

Dear Joelly,

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's diagnosis. This is certainly a very stressful time for you and your family. My heart goes out to you.

As far as diet goes, I think you should check with your husband's physician. We can't give medical advice on this forum, and your husband's physician is the best source for this information.

Yes, you should speak with an estate attorney soon. Your husband needs a will and most probably a durable power of attorney for healthcare and durable power of attorney (for financial matters). You need these documents for yourself, as well.

If you have specific financial concerns, you can post them here on the Bogleheads forum and I'm sure you will get good advice.
Last edited by cadreamer2015 on Tue Feb 27, 2024 4:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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sailaway
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by sailaway »

[Dietary advice (medical advice) deleted per forum policy. Moderator Pops1860]

You should definitely do some estate planning ASAP, including health directives and PoA. It could smooth things to take the time to set you up as the agent or POA on individual accounts, as well.

Do what you can to take care of yourself. Prayer, meditation, yoga... If you don't already have a practice of some sort, this is good time to build one.
PeninsulaPerson
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by PeninsulaPerson »

Your husband is lucky to have you!

Definitely consult with the doctors about food. They'll know. (If not, ask the nurses.)

Definitely speak to a lawyer. Possibly there are some associated with the hospital who work with patients? You could at least ask.
(I have heard that - for example - Dana Farber here in Boston has a ton of resources for patients and their families.)

Try to find time to take care of yourself - maybe walking with a friend or by yourself. Even a few minutes here and there!

Good luck with it all!
madbrain
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by madbrain »

joelly wrote: Tue Feb 27, 2024 3:06 pm He plans to file for disability but may need to use a lawyer for that.
If you are talking about going on SSDI, a lawyer is recommended. However, the process can take many years depending on the medical condition. Terminal conditions that have very low life expectancy (less than a year) may be fast-tracked by the SSA.

However, for short-term disability and long-term disability, you don't need a lawyer. The policies and benefits will be specific to your husband's employer.
Some states also offer their own disability benefits (California).
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cchrissyy
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by cchrissyy »

for will/trust and power of attorney including his medical wishes, you want an estate lawyer

for all your other questions, you can lean on the hospital or oncology office's social worker. they can help you with applying for disability, with paperwork for FMLA or other workplace and insurance programs, with medical equipment for home, with the disabled car placard for special parking etc

nobody here can talk about diet and meds or the thread will be locked

the social worker can direct you to support groups. many types of cancers have their own website ands resources. an example i am familiar with is www.lls.org

good luck!
60-20-20 us-intl-bond
keepingitsimple
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by keepingitsimple »

I’m sorry you all are having to deal with this diagnosis. I know it must be so stressful. As you encounter this whirlwind I encourage you to remember to take care of yourself too.

My initial suggestion is to immediately verify that you are a joint owner on all accounts such as bank, utilitiea, phone, etc. I would also make certain you have the relevant login details and access to the email account linked to these accounts. You may already be the person that manages all of this in your household, but if not I recommend making sure you have easy access and the authority to manage the accounts.

This is a small suggestion compared to your larger needs / questions but the above steps can help reduce stress and frustration during an already stressful and frustrating time.

Best of luck to you.
ROIGuy
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by ROIGuy »

I'm sorry your family is having to deal with this. I know someone that is going through the same thing. Nutrition is very important. You should set up an appointment with a nutritionist through the oncology department at your hospital that understands the specifics and nuances of dealing with cancer.
bsteiner
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by bsteiner »

keepingitsimple wrote: Tue Feb 27, 2024 3:39 pm ...
My initial suggestion is to immediately verify that you are a joint owner on all accounts such as bank, ..., etc. ...
No facts were given that would tell us whether that would be beneficial or detrimental.
friar1610
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by friar1610 »

I agree with those who say you need to develop an estate plan with the assistance of an attorney versed in estate matters.This could take some time. So, as an interim (and probably final) step, I suggest you both make sure your various financial accounts have properly identified beneficiaries and contingent beneficiaries.You can generally name beneficiaries very easily, either on-line or by filling out a form and mailing it in. That will ensure the major financial assets go to whomever you want them to go to even absent a will. (Even with a will, beneficiary designations take precedence over a will if there is a conflict.) This is not the only estate action you need to take but it is an important one that is fairly simple and expeditious while the other steps are playing out.

I am not a lawyer.

I’m very sorry for the situation in which you find yourself.
Friar1610 | 50-ish/50-ish
sbaywriter
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by sbaywriter »

If you haven't already done so, maybe let friends know so they can help you in an organized way. for example cooking or delivering meals- there are probably various web sites but recently I saw this one used to get help for a lady who had a stroke - the person who sets it up (doesn't have to be you) can specify what is needed for the recipient, not only meals, and share the link and then people can sign up to help on specific days:
https://www.mealtrain.com/
suemarkp
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by suemarkp »

Also recommend studying social security survivor benefits should he die. If he paid into SS, his statement will list a survivor benefit. Your child can collect that for their "support" until they are 18. You could collect it too if caring for minor children, but it is generally better for you to keep working if you can and it makes financial sense. If you have multiple minor children, each can collect it. But there is a family max and i think it is about equivalent to 2.3 peoples benefits.

You can also collect his solial security survivor benefit even with no kids at age 62, at a reduced level, or at age 67 you get his full survivor benefit. Look at your own SS benefit. If it will be as high or high than his survivor benefit, switch from survivor to your own benefit at age 70. If the survivor benefit is higher, then maybe collect your SS at 62 and switch to his survivor benefit at age 67.

Learning all the ins and outs of this using you and hubbys exact SS benefit statements can help you plan and make optimal choices. Not something to worry about immediately, but put it on the planning radar screen.
Mark | Somewhere in WA State
thenow
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by thenow »

I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s cancer. I’m a cancer survivor who was diagnosed with Bladder cancer in 2013 and then prostate cancer in 2017. Both cancers were a surprise. Along with another couple my wife and I started a bladder cancer support group at a local hospital. The support group evolved with a few other cancer patients and survivors who had a different type of cancer. In short, we learned from each other, including our experience and research, as well as giving support. Some spouses along with a close senior friend or family members would also attend our monthly evening meetings. We eventually had all kinds of guest speakers, including oncologists, urologist, acupuncturists, physical therapists and so on. In short, see if your area has various types of cancer support groups, even with a rare cancer type. You’ll enjoy the benefits of a support group.

The support of a spouse is so important and helpful. My wife and the other founder’s husband were so supportive. It’s a journey together which shows a loving relationship and vital foundation to tackle this medical condition. Furthermore, as a caregiver and spouse be sure to take care of yourself.

Let me suggest an outstanding website for cancer patients and family members. It’s www.inspire.com. They deal with all types of cancer. You’ll learn from other cancer patients’ experiences, knowledge, and their own research plus interactions with the health care professionals or industry. It’s a free website and you can register anonymously with any type of name or abbreviations. You can then ask questions or just read various forums. I learned so much from this website.

Lastly, there are so many outstanding national cancer nonprofit organizations, such as in bladder, prostate, lung cancers and so on. Plus, there is a general cancer nonprofit cancer organization. As far as dietary guidelines it’s best to refer to the pertinent nonprofit cancer organizations to get valuable insight and research and evidence based data. Best wishes on this journey.
miket29
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by miket29 »

joelly wrote: Tue Feb 27, 2024 3:06 pm He has Roth IRA, Traditional IRA, term life and planned funeral exp etc. He contributed to Roth IRA every year.
I am very sorry for what you and your husband are going thru.

One simple thing he could do today is ensure all his retirement accounts and his life insurance policies have beneficiaries listed.
tunafish
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by tunafish »

I am so sorry.

I second the recommendation to talk to your hospital's social worker. They should be able to point you at useful resources. I would definitely pursue disability. (I don't know how your husband's employment disability insurance interacts with social security disability.) Despite the reports that it takes a long time to get approved, I have a friend who was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and he was approved very quickly.

Do you have any family that can help with some caretaking? Or can you afford to hire someone even for part of a day a week?

Please come back with questions and updates, Here's a hug.
BarbBrooklyn
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by BarbBrooklyn »

Does his job provide any disability insurance? Does he have any other disability insurance, perhaps through a professional organization?
BarbBrooklyn | "The enemy of a good plan is the dream of a perfect plan."
JPM
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by JPM »

Will try to steer clear of general or specific medical advice. Random thoughts;

!. Learn to handle the doctors. Come to every visit armed with a list of items you want to have addressed, the most important to you and your husband to be addressed first. The doctors and their assistants are sometimes time-limited by their clinic schedules and obligations to other patients, so get the most out of the time you get with them. You may not be able to get thru your whole list each visit, so prioritize. The doctor may ask to look at your list so as to address it more completely and efficiently. The doctors have their "must" agenda for your visit, but your agenda is important to them as well. They need to know what your agenda is. If you don't ask questions, they will think that you already know the answers to any unasked questions. When they say, "do you have any questions?" and you don't think of any on the spot, it's fair to ask in return, "What do people usually ask?"

2.If you are being treated in a large integrated system like a university system, Kaiser, etc then there will be a communication portal in their computer system available to you. Learn to use it. It will have test results and schedules for upcoming visits and treatments, etc. Use the portal to communicate conveniently in the periods between visits. You can usually email the doctor or use another messaging facility via the portal to clarify the unclear or to ask your questions that arise between visits. You may need to be careful to communicate via your husband's account on the portal when dealing with issues pertaining to him.

3. Expect to deal with a lot of uncertainty. Psychological support from friends, family, and/or a therapist can be a source of strength. Faith can be a great gift in these circumstances.

4.When I was young, predicting the course of a cancer was relatively easy because we had no treatment that affected the natural course of the disease very much. Nowadays the prospects of treatment are more hopeful but far less predictable. Newer treatment forms and combinations have sometimes given results that amaze us. The outcome depends more on whether the treatment is effective and how effective it may be as well as whether the side-effects are bearable. That is not usually accurately predictable in an individual. Immunotherapy and other novel treatments have created a lot more hope but the price of that hope is a lot more uncertainty plus some added side-effect potential. Hope and uncertainty do go together.

5. Estate planning is not defeatist, it is prudent. Hope and pray for the best but plan for the worst as well. May god bless you.
PoppyA
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by PoppyA »

I’ve been in your shoes (sans small child & animals). It is overwhelming but what I’ve learned is:

Cancer generally is no different than other diseases & there is a course of treatment for your situation. No need to worry trying to optimize care as long as you have confidence in your oncology team. Personally I feel the same with nutrition. At this time let him eat what he can, & what brings him comfort.

I called an Attorney & broke down while explaining our situation….lack of will, Heath care directive, etc. The law firm made it very easy on me. We told them on the phone what we wanted, we showed up & they had everything ready to sign. After all, they are just standard forms on the computer for the most part.

My best tip: paper plates. Make it easy on yourself.

Best wishes my friend. You will soon have a new routine & things will settle back down some. My situation was dire & advanced but the patient is still here 9 years later. I hope the same for you.
StepByStep05
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by StepByStep05 »

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm going through something similar with my wife (who was the breadwinner of the family) and our 5 year old. I can't give a lot of advice on the estate stuff - admittedly, this is something we need to take care of as well. It's hard when you have to work, take care of the family, burn the candle on both ends trying to figure things out and then worry about the future.

I can say that my wife (and my child) were approved for SSDI without a lawyer. She has metastatic breast cancer, which qualified for an expedited process. It was relatively smooth going, however there is something like a 6-7 month wait period that you don't get backpay for. There wasn't a lot of clarity for that with us. But I think Social Security looked through all her work records, medical records, etc and figured out her date of disability, which was in April 2023. We started getting SSDI for her and my child in November 2023. I believe the process was started online and a social worker from the oncologist's office helped as well.
MP173
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by MP173 »

I travelled this route 25 years ago.

Plenty of good suggestions have been made. By all means consult an Estate Lawyer. We were fortunate that very close family friends handled that for us. I also consulted with a financial planner. This forum is more "do it yourself" but that was prior to this forum and quite frankly it was assuring to have data presented which gave me a clear picture of what I would be facing (financially).

By all means, take care of yourself, as best you can physically and emotionally. For me family, friends, and faith were strong foundations.

Be completely honest with yourself and your spouse. Consult the physicians and determine what is going to happen and when. What are the odds. Ours were 100% incurable and time frame was 2 years. Real life...25 months. Those 25 months allowed for some very special times and events and also some very difficult conversations with very specific marching orders regarding our two sons (ages 5 and 14).

OP...I strongly recommend leaning on family, friends, and faith and develop your team of advisors (Lawyer, Financial Planner, and possibly Accountant) and plan. On more than one occasion a close friend asked "What in the world are you going to do?" I very unemotionally replied with my plan which included balancing career (I had a great employer...still do!), family responsibility, balancing time, etc. On those occasions the other party replied something to the effect of "you have thought this out, havent you?" Yes, I had. I had a plan, but i would be tested and stretched at times.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Ed
Da5id
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Da5id »

suemarkp wrote: Tue Feb 27, 2024 3:54 pm You can also collect his solial security survivor benefit even with no kids at age 62, at a reduced level, or at age 67 you get his full survivor benefit. Look at your own SS benefit. If it will be as high or high than his survivor benefit, switch from survivor to your own benefit at age 70. If the survivor benefit is higher, then maybe collect your SS at 62 and switch to his survivor benefit at age 67.
I believe it is actually age 60 if not remarried. See, e.g., https://www.ssa.gov/pubs/EN-05-10084.pdf
Your widow or widower can get reduced benefits as early as age 60
Also to OP, best of luck to you and your husband. I hope for the best outcome that is on the table, whether that is living as long as he is able or getting it stable or in remission. Some people beat the odds, why not him? Having been through this with my wife, staying positive is sometimes hard but better than not doing so.

I agree with the people who suggested leaning on friends and community. Rides for the toddler, meals, rides to chemo, etc, are things people are really happy to do. But sometimes people are hesitant unless you reach out. Friends brought us 2-3 meals a week for years, and this was all organized by other friends so not a hassle for us.

I agree with the lawyer thing. Hopefully they will suggest ways to, if worst comes to worst, avoid probate and make your life as simple as possible.
j.click
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by j.click »

Oftentimes a physician and certainly a hospital can point you to a social worker who is well versed in many of these issues. Hope you find a helpful one...
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Watty
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Watty »

joelly wrote: Tue Feb 27, 2024 3:06 pm Please help me.
Some things that you should do;

1) Yes you should talk to a lawyer to get all your needed paperwork including wills up to date for both you and your husband. It is also important that your paperwork is also in order including plans for someone to take care of your daughter if something happens to you.

2) Make sure that any places like schools and daycare centers have signed permission for someone like a friend or relative to pick up your kid if you get delayed.

3) You should make sure that your husband has given all of his doctors, dentists, etc permission to talk to you about his medical care and make decisions for him if he is unable too. Without that you can run into situations where they may be limited by the HIPPA privacy laws where may not be able to talk to you about his condition.

4) This is important. You need to read up on the Family Medical Leave Act(FMLA) which give you and him certain protections for your jobs. There are lots of details but if you qualify(company has 50+ employees??) for this then you are protected if you need to take 12 unpaid weeks off of work to care for him. If you have not done this already you should do it now just in case you need to suddenly take time off. The 12 weeks does not need to be taken all at once, so if you need to do something like take him in for treatments two days a week you can count those days individually. I used this when my wife was getting treated for a milder form of cancer(She is doing great 17 years later!) and when my mom was in failing health. Even if your employer has been accommodating still get the formal paperwork

Get this paperwork filled out ASAP even if you do not think you need it yet. Companies take this very seriously since they can get into trouble if they violate the FMLA rules after the paperwork is filled out. FMLA does not 100% protect you from something like a layoff but a company will be very cautious about doing something like laying off someone who is has the FMLA paperwork filled out. In my case the HR person I was dealing with and my manager were surprisingly understanding since they had both dealt with a family member who had health problems.

5) Be sure that your taxes get filed by April 15th this year if your husband normally does it. I don't recall the details off the top of my head but there is a form to get an automatic extension through October(?) but you need to file a form to get that.
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Taylor Larimore
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Taylor Larimore »

joelly:

You have made over 500 contributing posts to this forum. You know that we will do all we can to help you.

Perhaps this will give you encouragement:

In 2005 I was diagnosed with throat cancer. The operation took away my voice (I now use an electronic assist). Since then I have had five additional cancers--and beaten all of them and with little or no pain.

I recently turned 100 years old.

Have hope. We love you.

Taylor
Jack Bogle's Words of Wisdom: "The Bogleheads forum is a treasure trove of information, as its contributors and visitors alike help one another, with no axe to grind, in all matter of topics that essentially cover the entire field of investing."
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InMyDreams
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by InMyDreams »

Do you have any family that can help with some caretaking? Or can you afford to hire someone even for part of a day a week?
Family. Friends. Church/Synagogue/Mosque. Neighbors. It's time to rely on a network. I've seen a church support a single mother of 4 (or was it 6?) thru her cancer battle, providing meals, babysitting, rides and more. Particularly now while you're getting your bearings.

Having a point person to help coordinate efforts may be invaluable. It's not just your DH that needs support.

You may be inundated with requests for updates. My family used CaringBridge to disseminate news
https://www.caringbridge.org/
The point person could be in charge of that.

Mealtrain.org may be able to help with meals. Whether it's mealtrain or neighbors, if you're tied up with work and doctors all day, it's nice to know that evening meal is already fixed.

You may be entitled to FMLA time off. If so, budget its use, but remember that it's ok to use it.

American Cancer Society has community resources, too. There may be a Patient Navigator either thru them &/or thru your doctor's office. For example, ACS may be able to arrange rides thru volunteers. They would probably have educational materials.

Some times there are support groups for particular types of cancer, which would have its own resources and educational materials.

Best wishes to you and your family at this difficult time.
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whodidntante
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by whodidntante »

I'd use an attorney to get a will in place and to file SSDI. Ask the attorney who writes your will for advice on account registrations. Sometimes messing around with transfer on death designations and account beneficiaries works against you. Assume SSDI will take longer to pay the first dollar than you think is reasonable, but that they'll pay as your husband is clearly disabled.

Does he have good medical insurance? If not, the cost of care might bankrupt you. Consider COBRA, adding him to your insurance, and ACA plans. A Medicaid divorce is a last ditch effort to get care, although emotionally rough.

You probably want to know a lot about the FMLA, and file for it now. Approval is not immediate, but you're certainly qualified for it.
Bogle Learner
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Bogle Learner »

I am really sorry about your news and I cannot imagine how hard it must be. On the health care directive, if you are being treated at a hospital, I think they can help with that. My recollection is that they have a short hand form on the ready that can be filled out on the spot and the hospital people can serve as your witnesses for purposes of putting in place. Assuming we are talking about the same document, the document can basically say that your husband's wishes/directive have been made known to you and that the healthcare providers are to follow your instructions. I think this preserves the max amount of flexibility, without having to change or modify the document should your husband's wishes change at any time.

I have no idea about the rest, but unless you are speaking to an estates lawyer shortly, I would make sure that the beneficiary designation in those accounts you mention is made to be you.

You should probably study up on the terms of his healthcare insurance as well. And don't feel shy about asking for help from those nearby. We all need help.
protagonist
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by protagonist »

joelly wrote: Tue Feb 27, 2024 3:06 pm Hi Everyone,

I am having a hard time currently.

Well... not as hard as hubby (51 yo) who is now fighting cancer. He got diagnosed in Nov 2023 with a rare and aggressive cancer. He is getting chemo and immunotherapy for the first time last week. More coming this week.

We have a toddler (DD) who is 4.5 yrs old. Now, I'm the only one with income and the only caretaker for hubby, DD and a couple of small dogs. Saying that the stress is getting to me is an understatement.

He has Roth IRA, Traditional IRA, term life and planned funeral exp etc. He contributed to Roth IRA every year. He plans to file for disability but may need to use a lawyer for that.

We don't have a will, etc. Should we start calling a lawyer to put this together? Please help. My mind is all jumbled up at the moment.

How do I go about finding this information?

Please help me.

Thanks so much!

-joelly

EDITED to delete asking for diet information.
Wow... sorry to hear about this. It must be so hard with a 4 year old.....
In addition to the advice others have given you here (I have nothing of particular value to add), you might pm bogleheads contributor bsteiner. He is definitely an expert when it comes to matters of estate planning, wills, trusts, etc.
He probably cannot give you specific legal advice (that is not the purview of this forum), but he might be able to suggest where to start and how to look.
In addition to a lawyer, you might consider a therapist to help you deal with your stress. It must be overwhelming. What you need is a good road map of strategy going forward, and a neutral voice you can trust that can help you sort the forest out from the trees.
I wish you the best....
HomeStretch
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by HomeStretch »

There is a lot on your shoulders right now. If possible, take some time to sit down and put your game plan on paper.

A cancer diagnosis is devastating. Have hope and faith to sustain you through these tough times and to be the anchor for your family. There are support groups and online resources that may be helpful. You may receive a lot of useful suggestions from people that have walked your/spouse’s path.

Reach out to friends and family to get regular reliable support. They want to help so let them help you including meals, picking the kids up from daycare/school, etc. Outsource what you can including, if necessary, routine things such as laundry services, house cleaning, grocery delivery. Anything that gives you back some time which is what is in short supply right now.

Contact an estate attorney to put in place Wills, durable power of attorneys, healthcare POA/advance directives. Consider a POLST/MOLST. Talk with your spouse to be sure you understand how he wants his care handled. Review beneficiary designations for accounts/life insurance. Most importantly, get the POA set up for any individual accounts with the bank/financial institutions now so you can access all financial accounts.
Last edited by HomeStretch on Tue Feb 27, 2024 8:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Anina
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Anina »

I didn't read through all the replies, but I did help my brother get SSDI. You don't need a lawyer. You need to go online to Social Security and sign up to apply for Disability. What you need is his birth certificate and tax forms to start. Then you will have to go to the Social Security office. Your husband must sign a form to release his medical information from the doctor to social security. Your husband will get a SS representative assigned to his case. They will contact him or you and have you/him fill out more forms.

I started on my brother's in June 2023. They said that he has to be considered disabled for 5 months before payment begins. They notified him that he will get back pay from Nov 2023 and his payments start 3/2024. Since your husband has an aggressive cancer, he should get fast tracked by SS.
Parkinglotracer
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Parkinglotracer »

thenow wrote: Tue Feb 27, 2024 3:59 pm I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s cancer. I’m a cancer survivor who was diagnosed with Bladder cancer in 2013 and then prostate cancer in 2017. Both cancers were a surprise. Along with another couple my wife and I started a bladder cancer support group at a local hospital. The support group evolved with a few other cancer patients and survivors who had a different type of cancer. In short, we learned from each other, including our experience and research, as well as giving support. Some spouses along with a close senior friend or family members would also attend our monthly evening meetings. We eventually had all kinds of guest speakers, including oncologists, urologist, acupuncturists, physical therapists and so on. In short, see if your area has various types of cancer support groups, even with a rare cancer type. You’ll enjoy the benefits of a support group.

The support of a spouse is so important and helpful. My wife and the other founder’s husband were so supportive. It’s a journey together which shows a loving relationship and vital foundation to tackle this medical condition. Furthermore, as a caregiver and spouse be sure to take care of yourself.

Let me suggest an outstanding website for cancer patients and family members. It’s www.inspire.com. They deal with all types of cancer. You’ll learn from other cancer patients’ experiences, knowledge, and their own research plus interactions with the health care professionals or industry. It’s a free website and you can register anonymously with any type of name or abbreviations. You can then ask questions or just read various forums. I learned so much from this website.

Lastly, there are so many outstanding national cancer nonprofit organizations, such as in bladder, prostate, lung cancers and so on. Plus, there is a general cancer nonprofit cancer organization. As far as dietary guidelines it’s best to refer to the pertinent nonprofit cancer organizations to get valuable insight and research and evidence based data.



my thoughts are with you during this difficult time.
I second the benefit of the inspire.com website. I was diagnosed with the lowest level prostate cancer (Gleason 6) eleven years ago at age 53. With the information I learned there I was encouraged to get a second opinion at John’s Hopkins and enter active surveillance closely monitoring the prostate cancer. 10 years later I still have the same level of the lowest grade cancer. Current literature is encouraging more active surveillance - inspire.com participants led the way.
musicmom
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by musicmom »

So sorry your family is dealing with this.

RE SSDI, my DH, much older at 60, was diagnosed with a less aggressive cancer.
Nevertheless, he and I met with SSA office in person, without any lawyer's assistance.
The staff was very helpful. His SSDI was approved within 2 months with only his PCP, oncologist and surgeon records.

Best wishes for your husband.
I hope you are able to find time for yourself to rest and clear your mind.
ROIGuy
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by ROIGuy »

Aside from your family, friends and depending on how well you know your neighbors, don't hesitate to ask them for help. Having someone do some grocery shopping or dropping/picking up some dry cleaning can help make your life just a little easier.
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leeks
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by leeks »

Seek help and pay for it if needed. If you have any extended family who could come stay with you for a while, that would be ideal even if you need to pay their expenses to enable it. If not, hire at least a regular part-time babysitter. Ask around if there is a neighbor who could help with the pets or hire a pet care service. Maybe there is a teenager in your neighborhood you could hire affordably as a mother's helper to assist with both the child and dogs and misc household tasks like lawnmowing or grocery shopping.

You cannot be more than one person.

I would dip into savings as needed to get through this difficult time. I am so sorry for the challenges you are facing. I would prioritize time for the things the three of you enjoy doing together and outsource whatever can be outsourced. Maybe consider taking a leave from work or reducing hours.
Exchme
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Exchme »

Your brokerage may need a different power of attorney than the general one a lawyer will make for you. We use Vanguard and had to use their Full Agent Authorization form, have it signed in front of two witnesses, notarized and mailed to them.

Make sure you know where all the important family papers are - deeds, mortgage, tax data, insurance, his social security card, etc. If he is the one that has been dealing with money management, sit down and go through that with him - how much you have, where is it, how it's allocated, how to make transactions, etc. I had a health scare a few years ago and we realized we weren't prepared. Our wills were out of date and we've since had them updated, we got medical powers of attorney made, general powers of attorney made. My wife didn't know enough, now we have talked it through, she has been on-line and has moved money in and out of Vanguard, made Roth Conversions, made Roth contributions, downloaded a report of unrealized capital gains, etc. While you may not be fully sharp right now, you need to make sure have the knowledge of what to do and have the ability to get to the money if you need it for your husband's care.

Make sure your daughter has as much daddy time as possible, it will be a great comfort to your husband and the love and bonding your daughter does will last a lifetime, even if the specific memories fade. Many cancers are far more treatable now than even just a few years ago.
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ResearchMed
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by ResearchMed »

joelly wrote: Tue Feb 27, 2024 3:06 pm We have a toddler (DD) who is 4.5 yrs old. Now, I'm the only one with income and the only caretaker for hubby, DD and a couple of small dogs. Saying that the stress is getting to me is an understatement.
[emphasis added]


SO sorry to hear this news.
It's so difficult, and in several different ways.

Someone already mentioned this, but I'll double down on it:

The hospital Social Services (or similar organization) is a good place to turn for help, emotional, practical, and financial.

This is probably the first time *you* are dealing with the difficult situation, but it is NOT the first time *they* are dealing with it. This is "what they do", etc.
Most or all of their services should be free, and they will also know of places for other resources including with $$ assistance of some sort.
Use them! (Sorry, *not* meaning to shout: trying to "emphasize with warmth"! :happy )

WIth a *much* smaller situation, I had a meeting at the local cancer center at our major medical center. (I didn't yet know what the diagnosis would be, so it was... fraught...)

I made the mistake of going alone, telling DH, "Oh nope, I'll be fine, you don't need to come..."
Honk! That turned out to be the wrong answer, even though there was no "news".

I was fine meeting with the physician, and fine walking out of his office.
And as I crossed the lobby, and saw ... a lot ot things... I just burst out into sobs.

Within a minute, I swear, *several* people appeared out of <magical?> doors somewhere, one of them reaching me first, Kleenex in hand, an arm on my shoulder, as she said something like, "Here, why don't you come over here with me and sit down for a moment", as I was escorted into a very (VERY) peaceful office, through a door I hadn't even noticed.
I am tearing up at the memory (!), even though that was almost 20 years ago.
I just sat there sobbing, mumbling, and ended up with her card, and instructions to "Call ANY time", someone *always* answers this number!"

In addition to emotional support, they have lots of information about practicalities, resources that may be mostly new to you. Some of those resources may be with local agencies, and they can probably help direct you there, too.

Don't forget to take care of yourself!
Good luck. Our thoughts are with you.

RM
This signature is a placebo. You are in the control group.
Wannaretireearly
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Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2010 4:39 pm

Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Wannaretireearly »

So sorry to hear this OP.
Take things one by one. If you have estate planning questions just focus on those for now. It can be overwhelming even with all the help and posts here.

I would try my best to take a family leave from work if possible.
Is this an option?
“At some point you are trading time you will never get back for money you will never spend.“ | “How do you want to spend the best remaining year of your life?“
Topic Author
joelly
Posts: 513
Joined: Mon Oct 27, 2008 11:22 am

Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by joelly »

Hi Everyone,

I can't thank you all enough for sharing your experiences and for commenting. I need to hear these. I need to know that we are not alone. Someone here shared a website and hubby loves it. He gets to talk to others and there is a hotline number to which he can call and just talk.

His family (2 bros) is very bad to him. Both bros are toxic people. He is distancing himself from them. At this moment, he has just enough energy to get better.

Hubby is now undergoing treatment of chemotherapy and immunotherapy. Every cycle is 21 days. The result is so far good. The all-over excruciating pain all over his lower abdomen going down both sides and both feet is now all gone and he is now left with the pain on the right side of the abdomen. The oncologist is happy with the result and urge him to keep going to treatment.

Everywhere I go, to everyone I meet and from whosoever will hear me, I ask for prayers. Faith is all we have.

We are still working on getting all our investment and banking account updated. He is adamant on getting a lawyer to get his disabilities payments. I'm trying to convince him to come to the SSN office but with him can hardly walk, he is ashamed of going anywhere as he doesn't want to inconvenient people.

As for me, burning on both sides of the candle is very accurate. I panic too sometimes. I'm slow but surely I'm trying to come up with a system which will work for us.

-joelly
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Kenkat
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Location: Cincinnati, OH

Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Kenkat »

When I helped my son apply for SSDI, we were able to do everything online; no visit to the social security office was required. Put down everything you know about doctors and medical conditions - doctor name / address / phone, patient ID, medical record number, etc. Whatever you have. Social security will contact the providers as they work on the case.

We did retain an attorney to help with the process; in retrospect, we probably didn’t need him as he was approved on the initial application, but I considered it an “insurance policy” in case we were denied or had difficulty with the process. He was helpful in telling us what to expect and how to get started.

I wish all the best for you and your family.
gunny2
Posts: 452
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Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by gunny2 »

joelly wrote: Mon Mar 25, 2024 3:18 pm Hi Everyone,

I can't thank you all enough for sharing your experiences and for commenting. I need to hear these. I need to know that we are not alone. Someone here shared a website and hubby loves it. He gets to talk to others and there is a hotline number to which he can call and just talk.

His family (2 bros) is very bad to him. Both bros are toxic people. He is distancing himself from them. At this moment, he has just enough energy to get better.

Hubby is now undergoing treatment of chemotherapy and immunotherapy. Every cycle is 21 days. The result is so far good. The all-over excruciating pain all over his lower abdomen going down both sides and both feet is now all gone and he is now left with the pain on the right side of the abdomen. The oncologist is happy with the result and urge him to keep going to treatment.

Everywhere I go, to everyone I meet and from whosoever will hear me, I ask for prayers. Faith is all we have.

We are still working on getting all our investment and banking account updated. He is adamant on getting a lawyer to get his disabilities payments. I'm trying to convince him to come to the SSN office but with him can hardly walk, he is ashamed of going anywhere as he doesn't want to inconvenient people.

As for me, burning on both sides of the candle is very accurate. I panic too sometimes. I'm slow but surely I'm trying to come up with a system which will work for us.

-joelly
I am also very sorry to hear of what you are both dealing with. Your situation sounds very similar to mine back when (rare, aggressive cancer in 50s, me being the caregiver, toxic people to deal with, etc), the main diff being there was no child involved, which is a huge extra thing. I'll try not to repeat too much of all the great replies here, but in summary:

- Yes, absolutely make up a will, and as someone else said, remember that it's not an admission of defeat, but a prudent thing EVERYONE should have in place regardless of health.

- Absolutely lean on whatever family/friends/neighbors you can, both emotionally and practically. We had people bringing us prepared meals off and on that we just had to heat up, for ex. It really helps.

- As for doctors, remember no matter how well versed or regarded, they are human beings, not gods; they don't know everything and aren't always right. I don't say that to imply you shouldn't trust them/etc, but my point is don't let them intimidate you or "run the show" per se. Learn all you can about this cancer and never be afraid to ask questions or get some reasoning behind their guidance (for example, what is the rate of mitosis? That's important to know). This is too important to do otherwise. If they dare to cop an attitude, "fire" them ASAP and find another (this is not as uncommon as you might think). We unfortunately learned this the hard way when my beloved put up with a horrific oncologist but kept him far too long because she "didn't want to make waves."

- If you are able both financially and physically able, go to the best possible cancer centers you can. It's no guarantee of anything, but with a rare cancer like this, the more expertise you can get on this specific cancer, the better; cancers are not all the same or handled the same. A rare cancer if possible should get consultation from someone who specializes in it, not a generic oncologist who probably knows little more than you do about it. Cancers are not a "one size fits all" deal.

And I'm sorry but whoever said "cancers are like any other disease" couldn't be more wrong. They are a very unique and complex series of diseases which merit the most specialized attention possible...all the more so given his is a rare cancer.

My thoughts and prayers to you and your husband!
Topic Author
joelly
Posts: 513
Joined: Mon Oct 27, 2008 11:22 am

Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by joelly »

Taylor Larimore wrote: Tue Feb 27, 2024 4:48 pm joelly:

You have made over 500 contributing posts to this forum. You know that we will do all we can to help you.

Perhaps this will give you encouragement:

In 2005 I was diagnosed with throat cancer. The operation took away my voice (I now use an electronic assist). Since then I have had five additional cancers--and beaten all of them and with little or no pain.

I recently turned 100 years old.

Have hope. We love you.

Taylor
Jack Bogle's Words of Wisdom: "The Bogleheads forum is a treasure trove of information, as its contributors and visitors alike help one another, with no axe to grind, in all matter of topics that essentially cover the entire field of investing."
This is very encouraging.

Thank you so much!!!

-joelly
Topic Author
joelly
Posts: 513
Joined: Mon Oct 27, 2008 11:22 am

Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by joelly »

gunny2 wrote: Mon Mar 25, 2024 5:34 pm
joelly wrote: Mon Mar 25, 2024 3:18 pm Hi Everyone,

I can't thank you all enough for sharing your experiences and for commenting. I need to hear these. I need to know that we are not alone. Someone here shared a website and hubby loves it. He gets to talk to others and there is a hotline number to which he can call and just talk.

His family (2 bros) is very bad to him. Both bros are toxic people. He is distancing himself from them. At this moment, he has just enough energy to get better.

Hubby is now undergoing treatment of chemotherapy and immunotherapy. Every cycle is 21 days. The result is so far good. The all-over excruciating pain all over his lower abdomen going down both sides and both feet is now all gone and he is now left with the pain on the right side of the abdomen. The oncologist is happy with the result and urge him to keep going to treatment.

Everywhere I go, to everyone I meet and from whosoever will hear me, I ask for prayers. Faith is all we have.

We are still working on getting all our investment and banking account updated. He is adamant on getting a lawyer to get his disabilities payments. I'm trying to convince him to come to the SSN office but with him can hardly walk, he is ashamed of going anywhere as he doesn't want to inconvenient people.

As for me, burning on both sides of the candle is very accurate. I panic too sometimes. I'm slow but surely I'm trying to come up with a system which will work for us.

-joelly
I am also very sorry to hear of what you are both dealing with. Your situation sounds very similar to mine back when (rare, aggressive cancer in 50s, me being the caregiver, toxic people to deal with, etc), the main diff being there was no child involved, which is a huge extra thing. I'll try not to repeat too much of all the great replies here, but in summary:

- Yes, absolutely make up a will, and as someone else said, remember that it's not an admission of defeat, but a prudent thing EVERYONE should have in place regardless of health.

- Absolutely lean on whatever family/friends/neighbors you can, both emotionally and practically. We had people bringing us prepared meals off and on that we just had to heat up, for ex. It really helps.

- As for doctors, remember no matter how well versed or regarded, they are human beings, not gods; they don't know everything and aren't always right. I don't say that to imply you shouldn't trust them/etc, but my point is don't let them intimidate you or "run the show" per se. Learn all you can about this cancer and never be afraid to ask questions or get some reasoning behind their guidance (for example, what is the rate of mitosis? That's important to know). This is too important to do otherwise. If they dare to cop an attitude, "fire" them ASAP and find another (this is not as uncommon as you might think). We unfortunately learned this the hard way when my beloved put up with a horrific oncologist but kept him far too long because she "didn't want to make waves."

- If you are able both financially and physically able, go to the best possible cancer centers you can. It's no guarantee of anything, but with a rare cancer like this, the more expertise you can get on this specific cancer, the better; cancers are not all the same or handled the same. A rare cancer if possible should get consultation from someone who specializes in it, not a generic oncologist who probably knows little more than you do about it. Cancers are not a "one size fits all" deal.

And I'm sorry but whoever said "cancers are like any other disease" couldn't be more wrong. They are a very unique and complex series of diseases which merit the most specialized attention possible...all the more so given his is a rare cancer.

My thoughts and prayers to you and your husband!
Hi Gunny,
bighatnohorse
Posts: 565
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2016 4:04 pm

Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by bighatnohorse »

Not related to your question, but this is related to your battle:
Clinical Trials: https://clinicaltrials.gov/
Most current information: https://www.onclive.com/
The medical establishment keeps pulling rabbits out of hats . . .hopefully one of them will be yours.
Topic Author
joelly
Posts: 513
Joined: Mon Oct 27, 2008 11:22 am

Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by joelly »

Hi Everyone,

The doctors gave up on giving treatments to hubby. Reason: the treatments will harm him more than help him.

Without treatments, hubby has 6 months to live. We have a young daughter. She’s 5 yrs old. My heart breaks for her and hubby. They are very close.

I have a POA and Advanced Medical Directive ready.

Financially, I am scared of raising a daughter by myself but I think I should be able to manage.

I have also combined our bank accounts, etc. I still need to help him close his business, cancel the lease (shouldn’t be a problem as he is a long term tenant), and sell out or donate the inventory.

I plan to file for disability and the survivor benefits from SSN, plus disability from EDD.

He has a life insurance for when the inevitable happens. Should I call them just to ensure payout or not?

I am sad, scared, confused but hoping that God will give him more life to be able to say his proper goodbye to our daughter.

I am looking for anything else that I have to do in his pending demise. I just really distraught on the looming possibility of losing my best friend. I’m trying not to slum down to full depression and despair for the sake of our daughter.

Thanking you all in advance.
sailaway
Posts: 9573
Joined: Fri May 12, 2017 1:11 pm

Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by sailaway »

Did he get around to the will? Your POA ends when he passes. A living trust and/or will should make things easier to handle at that point, especially if you haven't finished disposing of everything business related by then. The details depend on your state and how you own everything.
JayB
Posts: 862
Joined: Sat May 28, 2022 9:57 am

Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by JayB »

joelly wrote: Wed Dec 25, 2024 3:33 pm I am sad, scared, confused but hoping that God will give him more life to be able to say his proper goodbye to our daughter.

I am looking for anything else that I have to do in his pending demise. I just really distraught on the looming possibility of losing my best friend. I’m trying not to slum down to full depression and despair for the sake of our daughter.
If there's a way to get a local hospice organization involved, they would be able to provide emotional support to family, not just hubby. His health insurance may very well provide this benefit; it's worth asking ASAP.

As far as saying his goodbyes, I suggest having hubby write out what he wants to convey to each person in as much detail as appropriate to be shared after his passing. And also convey that in person while he is still alive, if possible. My 100+ year old dad has done both of these. Don't wait for a special moment for him to say any special words; the timing doesn't always work out well.
Anina
Posts: 45
Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2016 4:16 pm

Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Anina »

I am so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. It is very difficult when someone dear to you is sick.

Social Security has a web page and it lists everything you must do. Have a birth certificate, tax forms, and a medical release. You will have to go into the Social Security office or you can try calling. I went in for my brother and it was easy. No wait and the person helped me get him established.

He was assigned a case manager, and he was approved relatively quickly. Your husband's doctors office should have forms to apply for a handicap placard/plate. If not, then print one out and fill it out. I had to take the form to the state rep's office and they took it to the capital. He got his placard in the mail.

I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but do not delay with Social Security. You and your husband paid into it and this is the reason for it.

You and your family will be in my prayers.
Jim Burnham
Posts: 41
Joined: Fri May 21, 2021 6:51 pm

Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by Jim Burnham »

JayB wrote: Wed Dec 25, 2024 4:52 pm
joelly wrote: Wed Dec 25, 2024 3:33 pm I am sad, scared, confused but hoping that God will give him more life to be able to say his proper goodbye to our daughter.

I am looking for anything else that I have to do in his pending demise. I just really distraught on the looming possibility of losing my best friend. I’m trying not to slum down to full depression and despair for the sake of our daughter.
If there's a way to get a local hospice organization involved, they would be able to provide emotional support to family, not just hubby. His health insurance may very well provide this benefit; it's worth asking ASAP.

As far as saying his goodbyes, I suggest having hubby write out what he wants to convey to each person in as much detail as appropriate to be shared after his passing. And also convey that in person while he is still alive, if possible. My 100+ year old dad has done both of these. Don't wait for a special moment for to say any special words; the timing doesn't always work out well.
I would simply like to second JayB's recommendation for contacting a hospice organization. We wound up using hospice for my mother-in-law's final months and they really made a difference... much better for both her and for her children.
AzWDC
Posts: 180
Joined: Thu May 17, 2012 6:11 pm

Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by AzWDC »

I am sorry to read of your and your family's difficult time. Anything I write seems inadequate. I think your husband and daughter are very lucky to have a loving and capable person like you. Any decisions made to reduce stress, such as limiting or barring toxic people, are good. You are in a balancing act marathon between family needs, legal, financial, and everything else. Be sure there is enough of you and your energy to continue, especially for your daughter.

Line up any resources you can think of: hospice, legal, delivered meals, child care, psychological support, neighborhood and church, etc. Even if you think they will not be necessary. I suggest making the contacts now to reduce the stress later on.

You and your family will be in my prayers.
EverHopeful
Posts: 89
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2016 7:27 pm
Location: Ohio

Re: Cancer Diagnosis Hubby

Post by EverHopeful »

I'm so so sorry, you and your family are in my prayers, my heart aches for you.

As JayB suggested with the letters, some things that came to mind, depending on how your husband is doing, perhaps he can write letters to your DD for every birthday, "Dear Daughter, today you turn __yo, I hope you are enjoying school, etc." , and her graduations and marriage. If writing is difficult, he can dictate it on his phone or iPad, or take videos - ensure you have back up copies. I've known people who have opened such letters on birthdays and significant dates and it brought a lot of peace and connection (and tears), it was also therapeutic for the one dying to leave heartfelt love and hugs in the future.

I know the Drs have run out of ideas, I'm not sure if you've tried Mayo Clinic or Destination Medicine at Ohio State https://cancer.osu.edu/for-patients-and ... e/services, just some ideas.

Take time to read books, watch movies, play games and laugh as a family, maybe daily rituals where DD makes her Daddy a picture every day or they take a selfie every day or you have a family video together each day as you read a story or eat a snack, as these memories will be cherished.

Praying for you,
EverHopeful
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