how to guide my son

[biffoboppo]

What can you say to to your adult child about finances to make sure they understand a mistake?

My son just separated from the Marine Corps in July. He is badly hurt and regaining his health is probably the most important thing for him right now. He's working nights at a gas station making a bit over minimum wage and is working with the VA to manage his health and get his disability rating. Longer term he wants to go to school and get his bachelors. He came to me, since I am his trustee, and asked if I could make a minimum payment on his credit card for him.

Turns out he has about 6k at 18%. 6k is a noticeable proportion of his annual income. I've been preaching the Boglehead doctrine to him for years and regularly discuss money with him so I am astonished to find this out. I don't mind bailing him out. But I do want this to be a learning moment, not an enabling moment or a time for conflict between us.

[life in slices]

I think small steps and take your time, be gentle as it may take him time to rationalize his injury, his discharge and getting acclimated back into life/society...

I would help him where he needs it as he works with the VA to get his disability rating and access to GI bill for school down the road. I am going to guess this will a tough year for him and likely needs someone to lean on at the moment, more than hitting him hard on finances...plenty of teaching moments going forward in a year from now when he is a bit more settled.

Just my two cents - my best wishes to you and your son as he (and you) work through this.

[stan1]

I'd want to understand why he is in debt without making judgements. For example preaching Bogleheads doctrine might not be the best approach.

Can you explain the trustee comment? It sounds like he is asking you to cover the monthly minimum payment for him, and you are considering gifting him the full $6,000 to pay off the card balance.

[snowday2022]

Sorry to hear about his troubles. I would do less teaching and more listening. He probably needs love and support not lecturing. If this is a small amount of money for you I would pay it in full.

[Doom&Gloom]

Sorry to hear about his troubles. I would do less teaching and more listening. He probably needs love and support not lecturing. If this is a small amount of money for you I would pay it in full.

+1
The effectiveness of an unrequested lecture is questionable in the best of circumstances.

[Exchme]

Minimum wage in many states would be $290/wk full time. It would be very hard to live on that in a safe location, with heat, food, transportation, clothing and other basics, no matter how thrifty. So I would thank my lucky stars that he is alive and help him out, both with the current credit card and continuing expenses. If you and he don't want to make it a gift, then sign a promissory note describing when he will pay it back, what interest rate and in what amounts. As he recovers his health, he can go to school and get a better job.

[Sandtrap]

What can you say to to your adult child about finances to make sure they understand a mistake?

My son just separated from the Marine Corps in July. He is badly hurt and regaining his health is probably the most important thing for him right now. He's working nights at a gas station making a bit over minimum wage and is working with the VA to manage his health and get his disability rating. Longer term he wants to go to school and get his bachelors. He came to me, since I am his trustee, and asked if I could make a minimum payment on his credit card for him.

Turns out he has about 6k at 18%. 6k is a noticeable proportion of his annual income. I've been preaching the Boglehead doctrine to him for years and regularly discuss money with him so I am astonished to find this out. I don't mind bailing him out. But I do want this to be a learning moment, not an enabling moment or a time for conflict between us.

Establish a "safe space" and daily routine, you and son.
IE:
Breakfast in the morning. You cook? Sit. Just be home in a safe known predictable space.
This is a good start.
Keep that connection. Drive to VA and other needs.
Dinner together, simple things.
You: (read up on PTSD, C-PTSD: "Traumatization and its Aftermath" by Antonieta Contreras').
Go to local CC college, collect data, talk to admissions counselor, etc. Maybe you can enroll him in 2 classes now to add to the known routine.
Like this.
Known, safe, steps. Your "job" is to create this bond, relationship, trust. Not information or lectures, etc.

Why do you mention "trustee"??

j

[JBTX]

Given the circumstances, I’d probably make the minimum payment. Perhaps even payoff the credit card, given his rough circumstances presumably no fault of his own. At the same time perhaps mention if he ever wants to talk about finances, and how you manage them, you’d be happy to have the conversation.

Lord knows I’ve bailed out my adult daughter with mental health issues for far more than that. At the same time, at times we definitely enable her. Getting the balance right is very difficult.

[BolderBoy]

... since I am his trustee ...

Can you explain for us what this is all about?

[PoppyA]

The learning here will be about compassion. Explain to him why you are going to help him & also your fear of enabling to him.

[Watty]

He came to me, since I am his trustee, and asked if I could make a minimum payment on his credit card for him.

Being a trustee implies there is a trust, maybe from a grandparent or something like that.

It really depends on the details of the trust but with a disabled veteran who is working hard and trying to go to college to improve himself that sure sounds like it is a valid, if not compelling, time to tap the trust to not only pay off the $6K credit card but also to also provide some monthly support while he rebuilds his life.

If you have concerns about how he will spend the money then you could do something like have the trust pay his rent and utilities each month to give him some stability while he works through getting his disability and other paperwork resolved.

If he has money that is being held in trust for him than I can't imagine a reason to not judiciously use some of it now. To not do so could be violating your responsibilities as a trustee.

[srt7]

Tough one. Glad you are thinking this out rationally.

I'm with others - it's the time to help not lecture.

Set expectations. Help when asked but also make sure to not become a doormat. It's important to be there for him while he rebuilds himself financially.

If possible please let him know that I (and I'm sure many in the Bogleheads community) sincerely appreciate his service to the country and in keeping us safe.

[davebeers]

What can you say to to your adult child about finances to make sure they understand a mistake?

My son just separated from the Marine Corps in July. He is badly hurt and regaining his health is probably the most important thing for him right now. He's working nights at a gas station making a bit over minimum wage and is working with the VA to manage his health and get his disability rating. Longer term he wants to go to school and get his bachelors. He came to me, since I am his trustee, and asked if I could make a minimum payment on his credit card for him.

Turns out he has about 6k at 18%. 6k is a noticeable proportion of his annual income. I've been preaching the Boglehead doctrine to him for years and regularly discuss money with him so I am astonished to find this out. I don't mind bailing him out. But I do want this to be a learning moment, not an enabling moment or a time for conflict between us.

Establish a "safe space" and daily routine, you and son.
IE:
Breakfast in the morning. You cook? Sit. Just be home in a safe known predictable space.
This is a good start.
Keep that connection. Drive to VA and other needs.
Dinner together, simple things.
You: (read up on PTSD, C-PTSD: "Traumatization and its Aftermath" by Antonieta Contreras').
Go to local CC college, collect data, talk to admissions counselor, etc. Maybe you can enroll him in 2 classes now to add to the known routine.
Like this.
Known, safe, steps. Your "job" is to create this bond, relationship, trust. Not information or lectures, etc.

Why do you mention "trustee"??

j

I think this is great advice. Build the relationship. I would probably pay the whole thing but maybe put something in writing so he makes a commitment to get his education.
I have 2 parents that have helped me at times. One gives with an open hand and he has worked hard with his hands his whole life. The other helped at times but with implied and not stated expectations attached to it. This damaged the relationship over time to where I’d rather not even accept any help.
Open communication is key. I really respect a lot of the bogleheads who choose to gift to their adult children.

[ClaycordJCA]

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[LadyGeek]

The OP notified that moderators that he wished to respond to this post.*

I'd want to understand why he is in debt without making judgements. For example preaching Bogleheads doctrine might not be the best approach.

Can you explain the trustee comment? It sounds like he is asking you to cover the monthly minimum payment for him, and you are considering gifting him the full $6,000 to pay off the card balance.

The response: His grandfather left funds for him in a trust. He gets control in 3 years, when he is 25. I am his trustee and have discretion over what constitutes an emergency.

(Thread remains locked.)

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