Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

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manatee2005
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Re: Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

Post by manatee2005 » Sun Aug 02, 2020 12:03 am

BarbBrooklyn wrote:
Sat Aug 01, 2020 8:58 pm
I just want to say again how much I appreciate the unanimity of the resounding "NO" you've all given.

For the curious, the will leaves the bulk of the estate to wife #2 (we are actually friendly) and specific amounts to the kids. There is also a fully funded 529 for the grand daughter's college.

A funny story. On another thread, someone talked about obscure credit confirmation questions being asked. Wife #2 and I have EACH been asked to confirm the other's birthdate during these identity checks; we keep each other's info handy.
What are the amounts for the kids? 5 figures, 6 figures?

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BarbBrooklyn
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Re: Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

Post by BarbBrooklyn » Sun Aug 02, 2020 4:03 am

manatee2005 wrote:
Sun Aug 02, 2020 12:03 am
BarbBrooklyn wrote:
Sat Aug 01, 2020 8:58 pm
I just want to say again how much I appreciate the unanimity of the resounding "NO" you've all given.

For the curious, the will leaves the bulk of the estate to wife #2 (we are actually friendly) and specific amounts to the kids. There is also a fully funded 529 for the grand daughter's college.

A funny story. On another thread, someone talked about obscure credit confirmation questions being asked. Wife #2 and I have EACH been asked to confirm the other's birthdate during these identity checks; we keep each other's info handy.
What are the amounts for the kids? 5 figures, 6 figures?
He tells me in the range of 200k. But he also tells me that he expects the market to return 6% a year for the foreseeable future.

Yes, I get where he is coming from, in wanting to help our child and more importantly, our grandchild. But I think he is asking me to put myself in an imprident financial situation.

I don't have a terminal dx; I have longevity genes (grandma lived to 92, mom to 94) and I have less that half of his funds.

This just doesn't seem like a great idea to me. And his wife isn't thrilled about it either, and not for ungenerous reasons.
BarbBrooklyn | "The enemy of a good plan is the dream of a perfect plan."

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celia
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Re: Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

Post by celia » Sun Aug 02, 2020 4:22 am

Don't participate in this scheme. When he is "gone" you will be stuck with the entire mortgage payment, insurance and property taxes. You don't need the hassle or this risk. You likely will also have non-paying renters who you won't have the heart to evict.

Instead, enjoy your retirement and your grandkids.

DarkHelmetII
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Re: Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

Post by DarkHelmetII » Sun Aug 02, 2020 4:46 am

I am significantly younger than you / OP so have less "life" under my belt (I think relevant here given the circumstances with adult kids) - however buying a condo worth 1/3 of your net worth (realizing you technically have pension on top of this), even for yourself, is something to not be taken lightly let alone for somebody else. My vote is definitely to not buy the condo.

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BarbBrooklyn
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Re: Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

Post by BarbBrooklyn » Sun Aug 02, 2020 4:57 am

DarkHelmetII wrote:
Sun Aug 02, 2020 4:46 am
I am significantly younger than you / OP so have less "life" under my belt (I think relevant here given the circumstances with adult kids) - however buying a condo worth 1/3 of your net worth (realizing you technically have pension on top of this), even for yourself, is something to not be taken lightly let alone for somebody else. My vote is definitely to not buy the condo.
Just for clarity, its 200k that we are talking about, not 400k.
BarbBrooklyn | "The enemy of a good plan is the dream of a perfect plan."

Mr. Rumples
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Re: Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

Post by Mr. Rumples » Sun Aug 02, 2020 5:31 am

Treat all of your children and grandchildren the same. That will avoid discord down the road. It will also make your estate plan easier. The only exception would be if there is some type of life saving medical care needed and even then I would run it by all the children. It is your money, your life.

Your children are adults and have to live with their life choices. If you fear for the grandchildren give each of them an equal amount of money for education. Then those who don't need it can put it away for college, another might want to spend it now on school or supplies or a tutor.

My neighbor behind me has his son living in the apartment above the garage. He is almost 50, can't keep a job, can't manage finances and does not pay rent. He makes $ delivering pizzas. Now in bad health and little time to live, when they die, he will be totally lost. It has caused resentment among their three sons.

Mr. Rumples
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Re: Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

Post by Mr. Rumples » Sun Aug 02, 2020 5:34 am

Treat all of your children and grandchildren the same. That will avoid discord down the road. It will also make your estate plan easier. The only exception would be if there is some type of life saving medical care needed and even then I would run it by all the children.

It is your money, your life. I would argue that due to their issues, you need to save more since you can't rely on them for support later in your life.

Your children are adults and have to live with their life choices. If you fear for the grandchildren give each of them an equal amount of money for education. Then those who don't need it can put it away for college, another might want to spend it now on school or supplies or a tutor.

My neighbor behind me has his son living in the apartment above the garage. He is almost 50, can't keep a job, can't manage finances and does not pay rent. He makes $ delivering pizzas. Now in bad health and little time to live, when they die, he will be totally lost. It has caused resentment among their three sons.
Last edited by Mr. Rumples on Sun Aug 02, 2020 5:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

chipperd
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Re: Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

Post by chipperd » Sun Aug 02, 2020 5:36 am

You asked to keep this financial, so out of respect for that boundary you set, I will answer only with that in mind.
Financially, plunking down 200k and getting, what sounds like, an extremely poor return relative to the risks the individuals pose that you outlined, is a terrible financial idea/investment.
Best of luck with the rest of this issue.

Wricha
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Re: Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

Post by Wricha » Sun Aug 02, 2020 6:17 am

You can borrow money for just about everything except retirement and you need it for your retirement. You are not responsible for for ex’s actions or required to take his advice. Simply “No” it doesn’t work.

egrets
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Re: Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

Post by egrets » Sun Aug 02, 2020 6:19 am

Sandtrap wrote:
Sat Aug 01, 2020 2:22 pm
Married and ...... adults.

Do not further enable or grow codependencies.
“Help” = long term life subsidy payments.

Adversity grows character and self reliance.

Training wheels turn into permanent crutches if left on too long.

Drop off groceries once in awhile.
k🌺
I wouldn't give them a cent. This situation will never get better if you enable it.

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Stinky
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Re: Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

Post by Stinky » Sun Aug 02, 2020 6:25 am

BarbBrooklyn wrote:
Sun Aug 02, 2020 4:03 am

This just doesn't seem like a great idea to me. And his wife isn't thrilled about it either, and not for ungenerous reasons.
Two women think that buying an apartment for "unmotivated daughter and son-in-law" is a bad idea. Meanwhile, one man thinks it's a good idea.

What does that tell you about the financial savvy of the man?
It's a GREAT day to be alive - Travis Tritt

backpacker61
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Re: Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

Post by backpacker61 » Sun Aug 02, 2020 6:27 am

Frugalbear wrote:
Sat Aug 01, 2020 8:50 pm
Sandtrap wrote:
Sat Aug 01, 2020 2:22 pm
Married and ...... adults.

Do not further enable or grow codependencies.
“Help” = long term life subsidy payments.

Adversity grows character and self reliance.

Training wheels turn into permanent crutches if left on too long.

Drop off groceries once in awhile.
k🌺
+1
100% spot on, I see this with some in my family.
I think every family has ... some ...
“Now shall I walk or shall I ride? | 'Ride,' Pleasure said; | 'Walk,' Joy replied.” | | ― W.H. Davies

student
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Re: Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

Post by student » Sun Aug 02, 2020 6:40 am

illumination wrote:
Sat Aug 01, 2020 8:41 pm
I had a relative that played this game, and then she figured out that it would be harder for family members to say no when there was a baby in the mix. So she had a few kids from a few different fathers "Are you going to let my baby starve and make us homeless?"
What was your response?

student
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Re: Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

Post by student » Sun Aug 02, 2020 6:44 am

rob65 wrote:
Sun Aug 02, 2020 12:01 am
Okay, I’ll be the heretic. If I had a terminal diagnosis and could help one of my kids while I was alive, I would do it. I understand where your ex is coming from.

The “teach them to fish” philosophy here is fundamentally flawed in my view, although a discussion of my reasons for that view are inherently political in nature.
I understanding your perspective and if the ex wants to help, that's fine, but asking the OP to help is not a good idea.

leftcoaster
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Re: Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

Post by leftcoaster » Sun Aug 02, 2020 7:02 am

Focus your assistance on the granddaughter. Invite her to visit for weekends. Take her to the library, museum, but also fun things. Let her bring a friend. Create relationship + experiential bonds that will inspire her to rise above the other adults around her.

Road Scholars has some cool trips for grandparent and child.

Do not buy this apartment.

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LadyGeek
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Re: Unmotivated daughter and son in law.

Post by LadyGeek » Sun Aug 02, 2020 7:40 am

This thread has run its course and is locked (now discussing relationships). See: Acceptable Topics and Subforum Guidelines
This is an investing and personal finance forum. We also maintain a subforum that allow our members to discuss consumer goods and services and recreational activities. Anything else is considered "Off Topic" and is not acceptable on this forum.
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