Going Thru Divorce

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nebraskaguy85
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Joined: Thu Jun 25, 2020 6:59 pm

Going Thru Divorce

Post by nebraskaguy85 »

I am a 35 year old male with a 3 1/2 year boy and going thru a divorce. The settlement agreement has me paying some spousal support and child support.

I work as a tax accountant.

Long story short, I got married to a gal who had a spending problem and hid it from me.

I am inheriting about $20k in credit card debt she racked up, I am still paying on student loans and a vehicle note.

I have been able to save 6k for a rainy day, contributing 10% pretax to my 401k started in January with a 10% match.

Please advise on a few things I should focus on financially once divorce is finalized.

I appreciate the feedback and time/effort of everyone.
Trader Joe
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by Trader Joe »

nebraskaguy85 wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:05 pm I am a 35 year old male with a 3 1/2 year boy and going thru a divorce. The settlement agreement has me paying some spousal support and child support.

I work as a tax accountant.

Long story short, I got married to a gal who had a spending problem and hid it from me.

I am inheriting about $20k in credit card debt she racked up, I am still paying on student loans and a vehicle note.

I have been able to save 6k for a rainy day, contributing 10% pretax to my 401k started in January with a 10% match.

Please advise on a few things I should focus on financially once divorce is finalized.

I appreciate the feedback and time/effort of everyone.
Congratulations on the next steps in the rest of your life. Having been in your exact same situation, I highly recommend that, financially, you focus on the following:

1. The advancement of your career. Continue to maximize/increase your overall total compensation and your career job title as much as possible. Strive to achieve your maximum career potential (greatness). Linkedin is a must. Additional education is always a possibility.
2. Maximize your annual 401(k) contributions.
3. Maximize your annual IRA contributions.
4. Pay off all of your debt and live your life debt free. The rewards here cannot be overstated.
5. Find someone that aligns with your own financial goals.

Best of luck.
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geerhardusvos
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by geerhardusvos »

nebraskaguy85 wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:05 pm I am a 35 year old male with a 3 1/2 year boy and going thru a divorce. The settlement agreement has me paying some spousal support and child support.

I work as a tax accountant.

Long story short, I got married to a gal who had a spending problem and hid it from me.

I am inheriting about $20k in credit card debt she racked up, I am still paying on student loans and a vehicle note.

I have been able to save 6k for a rainy day, contributing 10% pretax to my 401k started in January with a 10% match.

Please advise on a few things I should focus on financially once divorce is finalized.

I appreciate the feedback and time/effort of everyone.
Sorry to hear that. Head to the wiki and start reading, and circle back if you have any questions:

https://www.bogleheads.org/wiki/Getting_started
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stoptothink
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by stoptothink »

Trader Joe wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:33 pm
4. Pay off all of your debt and live your life debt free. The rewards here cannot be overstated.
5. Find someone that aligns with your own financial goals.

Best of luck.
+1. Went through the exact same thing and when I decided to start dating again, these were topics discussed on first dates. Probably not romantic, but it worked: #2 and I are on the same page and life couldn't be better.
Trader Joe
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by Trader Joe »

stoptothink wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:38 pm
Trader Joe wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:33 pm
4. Pay off all of your debt and live your life debt free. The rewards here cannot be overstated.
5. Find someone that aligns with your own financial goals.

Best of luck.
+1. Went through the exact same thing and when I decided to start dating again, these were topics discussed on first dates. Probably not romantic, but it worked: #2 and I are on the same page and life couldn't be better.
Yes, exactly. Same here. It works.
SteveinMN
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by SteveinMN »

We didn't get there on the first date, but we got there pretty early. It really makes a difference in making sure you're compatible on that front and in breaking the ice to get to other stuff people don't tend to talk about.
j9j
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by j9j »

Sorry to hear that. Keep your spirits up and I hope the divorce won’t prevent from enjoying the time with your child.
HomeStretch
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by HomeStretch »

1. Update your account and insurance beneficiary designations.
2. Update your will, trust(?), durable power-of-attorney and healthcare advance directives/POA.
3. Review the adequacy of insurance policy coverage limits such as life insurance that benefits your child.

ETA: if you shared passwords with ex-spouse, consider changing all passwords - for financial accounts, social media accounts, online accounts at vendors/subscriptions, etc.
Last edited by HomeStretch on Thu Jun 25, 2020 11:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Cubicle
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by Cubicle »

Sorry to hear OP. A crippling fear of mine. But you sound like you are in a good place.

Similar to mentioned, but update (controlling parties, benefactors) all bank accounts, auto/property/life insurance, property deeds/titles, townhall records, utilities, phone bills, any accounts for your child, severe any joint spending accounts, even store cards.

Mail forwarding. You don't want her mail. Don't let your mail go to her.

Best of luck.
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neverpanic
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by neverpanic »

Ah, the mail one - critically important!

Sever all joint accounts, KILL that joint credit profile.

$20k in cc debt may feel like a small mountain, but it's peanuts. You're approaching your prime earning years, you'll have it paid off in no time.
HomeStretch wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 8:19 pm 1. Update your account and insurance beneficiary designations.
2. Update your will, trust(?), durable power-of-attorney and healthcare advance directives/POA.
3. Review the adequacy of insurance policy coverage limits such as life insurance that benefits your child.
Repeating everything HomeStretch said for emphasis.

Do these things sooner than you think you may need to. I'm assuming you have a pretty sizable term life policy in the event something catastrophic should happen to you. Even though you may list the child as the beneficiary, until he's 18, the mother could have control of the money. My personal recommendation is to have a trust for that purpose and the trust should be the beneficiary of the policy.
I am not a financial professional or guru. I'm a schmuck who got lucky 10 times. Such is the life of the trader.
TheDDC
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by TheDDC »

It sounds like there is/was a history of wanton use of debt on both sides of the marriage from your description. Is that accurate?

I would consider a lifestyle change and make a goal of owing nothing to the bank and not having your income already spoken for outside of court ordered arrangements.

Pay down all the debt aggressively even if means curtailing retirement contributions temporarily.

-TheDDC
Rules to wealth building: 90-100% VTSAX piled high and deep, 0-10% VIGAX tilt, 0% given away to banks, minimize amount given to medical-industrial complex
RadAudit
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by RadAudit »

nebraskaguy85 wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:05 pm I am a 35 year old male with a 3 1/2 year boy and going thru a divorce. The settlement agreement has me paying some spousal support and child support.
How much of the debt reduction suggestion is applicable prior to the divorce being final?
FI is the best revenge. LBYM. Invest the rest. Stay the course. - PS: The cavalry isn't coming, kids. You are on your own.
LuigiLikesPizza
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by LuigiLikesPizza »

Once the horse is already out of the barn, it seems somewhat unhelpful /uncaring to tell the guy he should have picked a different horse. Hindsight is always 20/20.

You can have the discussion on the first date and they can still change later on. There are no guarantees in life and in particular, marriage.

As for a second marriage, I guess a pre-nup might work.


As for the situation of the OP right now? I second the suggestion to read the Bogleheads wiki and start the steps to wealth building - people can build wealth under all types of situations.

The best news? You are here now and learning and asking questions and young enough for it to make all the difference in your life!

WIshing you the very best!
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Tamarind
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by Tamarind »

TheDDC wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 12:17 am It sounds like there is/was a history of wanton use of debt on both sides of the marriage from your description. Is that accurate?

I would consider a lifestyle change and make a goal of owing nothing to the bank and not having your income already spoken for outside of court ordered arrangements.

Pay down all the debt aggressively even if means curtailing retirement contributions temporarily.

-TheDDC
I probably wouldn't describe a 35-yo with a student loan and a car loan as a "wanton" spender. It has taken many Bogleheads longer to realize that affording the monthly payment was not the key metric.

Highest priority in my opinion would be any debt above marginal tax rate. Then I think especially someone that age needs to keep maxing a Roth IRA and contributing to 401k enough to get any match. Then aggressively pay down remaining debt from highest interest rate on down.

I'd prioritize debt repayment over meals out or entertainment, but not over basic retirement savings. Failing to make retirement contributions now has a compounding effect that will continue for much longer than OP will owe the amounts described.

OP, did your ex default? Is your credit tanked too at the moment? If you can, moving the credit card balance, or at least part of it, to some new cards with 0% introductory rates will help give you time to pay it off without as much interest.
Dottie57
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by Dottie57 »

TheDDC wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 12:17 am It sounds like there is/was a history of wanton use of debt on both sides of the marriage from your description. Is that accurate?

I would consider a lifestyle change and make a goal of owing nothing to the bank and not having your income already spoken for outside of court ordered arrangements.

Pay down all the debt aggressively even if means curtailing retirement contributions temporarily.

-TheDDC
+1. Debt can drag you down. Your income will seem bigger once it Debt all gone.

Good luck to you.
SQRT
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by SQRT »

I went through a debilitating divorce when I was 42. Had one daughter who was 8 at the time. Agree that you should maximize your career earnings because you’ll need it.

Other advice? Be as generous as you can possibly be and don’t let the “fight”, if any, take over your life, always meet your support obligations, never lie or obfuscate, do everything you can to maintain a good relationship with your child. In short, take the high road”. You want to be able to look yourself in the mirror every morning.

In the end, move on, find a more compatible partner. Consider a pre-nup. (I didn’t and it still worked out great).

I know it’s easy to give advice like this but much more difficult to actually do it. Things do get better. Good luck.
Bobby206
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by Bobby206 »

stoptothink wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:38 pm
Trader Joe wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:33 pm
4. Pay off all of your debt and live your life debt free. The rewards here cannot be overstated.
5. Find someone that aligns with your own financial goals.

Best of luck.
+1. Went through the exact same thing and when I decided to start dating again, these were topics discussed on first dates. Probably not romantic, but it worked: #2 and I are on the same page and life couldn't be better.
I'd probably wait until later than date #1 to talk about financial issues. Might seem a little odd to a lot of people. It's sort of like talking about how many kids you plan to have on date #1. I'd focus more on fun on date #1. fwiw. BTW, good luck to you!
sailaway
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by sailaway »

Bobby206 wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 9:24 am
stoptothink wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:38 pm
Trader Joe wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:33 pm
4. Pay off all of your debt and live your life debt free. The rewards here cannot be overstated.
5. Find someone that aligns with your own financial goals.

Best of luck.
+1. Went through the exact same thing and when I decided to start dating again, these were topics discussed on first dates. Probably not romantic, but it worked: #2 and I are on the same page and life couldn't be better.
I'd probably wait until later than date #1 to talk about financial issues. Might seem a little odd to a lot of people. It's sort of like talking about how many kids you plan to have on date #1. I'd focus more on fun on date #1. fwiw. BTW, good luck to you!
Some of us are of a certain age that you need to make kids a topic of conversation up front, as well.
stoptothink
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by stoptothink »

Bobby206 wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 9:24 am
stoptothink wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:38 pm
Trader Joe wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:33 pm
4. Pay off all of your debt and live your life debt free. The rewards here cannot be overstated.
5. Find someone that aligns with your own financial goals.

Best of luck.
+1. Went through the exact same thing and when I decided to start dating again, these were topics discussed on first dates. Probably not romantic, but it worked: #2 and I are on the same page and life couldn't be better.
I'd probably wait until later than date #1 to talk about financial issues. Might seem a little odd to a lot of people. It's sort of like talking about how many kids you plan to have on date #1. I'd focus more on fun on date #1. fwiw. BTW, good luck to you!
When you are a little older, have more to lose, and not a whole lot of time to date; you don't want to waste that time on someone you have no future with.
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gr7070
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by gr7070 »

nebraskaguy85 wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:05 pm Please advise on a few things I should focus on financially once divorce is finalized.
Not surprisingly the few things you already mentioned.
nebraskaguy85 wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:05 pm [You]
I am a 35 year old male
[Child]
with a 3 1/2 year boy and
[Recovering]
going thru a divorce.

[Career]
I work as a tax accountant.

[Debt]
$20k in credit card ...student loans ... vehicle note.

[Emergency fund]
I have been able to save 6k for a rainy day,

[401k]
contributing 10% pretax to my 401k started in January with a 10% match.
Add in proper insurance and you've hit just about all the personal finance basics.

Keep working on each of those consistently and you'll see incredible returns.
THY4373
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by THY4373 »

Trader Joe wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:33 pm
5. Find someone that aligns with your own financial goals.

Or maybe go down the path of having an awesome solo life? There is far more to life than romantic relationships. Not everybody who is single (I prefer solo) wants a romantic relationship/partner. I was married for 16 years and went through an amicable divorce and have been living the solo life coming up on five years now and I love it. Best time of my life so far and only getting better. YMMV of course since there are many paths to take in life.
THY4373
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by THY4373 »

SQRT wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 9:19 am Things do get better. Good luck.
+1 I went through an amicable divorce but it was still the toughest thing I have ever gone through bar none. But things really do get better over time. Hang in there.
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alpenglow
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by alpenglow »

THY4373 wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 10:54 am
Trader Joe wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:33 pm
5. Find someone that aligns with your own financial goals.

Or maybe go down the path of having an awesome solo life? There is far more to life than romantic relationships. Not everybody who is single (I prefer solo) wants a romantic relationship/partner. I was married for 16 years and went through an amicable divorce and have been living the solo life coming up on five years now and I love it. Best time of my life so far and only getting better. YMMV of course since there are many paths to take in life.
Good for you. Things are good with #1 right now, but there definitely would not be a #2 if we were to ever separate.
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cashboy
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by cashboy »

at the financial level,

if your ex hid the $20,000 she may have mid something else. keep your eyes and ears open.

ensure that your ex's name is off of anything related to you. several examples of what to look to change have been mentioned, but everyone's situation is unique. make a list and act on it.


wishing you the best during this difficult time!

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SteelCityMD
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by SteelCityMD »

Don’t forget to update your will and beneficiaries, esp 401k.

If you have insurance that too.

If you don’t want your ex to get the proceeds get a trust and assign someone you trust to distribute funds for child.
sls239
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by sls239 »

Before the divorce is final you will need to establish who will be maintaining the health insurance for the child and what proportion of out of pocket expenses you will be responsible for.

You would also be well advised to know under what conditions child support can be modified / recalculated.

And you will also need to know how decisions about child care, education, and extra-curriculars will be made and how they will be paid for.

If her spending problem is severe, or your child's needs extensive, then prepare yourself for the possibility that you will need to step up to provide stability and security for your child and that there may be further legal expenses should that be the case.

And in general make sure to protect not just your finances but your child's as well.
Ependytis
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by Ependytis »

I am sorry to hear that you have to go through this. I couldn’t agree more with what one poster recommended in terms of doing what’s best for the child. If you do this it’ll avoid a lot of conflict. Also if there stills lot of conflict, try to communicate by email. Make sure to have someone else read your email so that there is nothing inflammatory you might say without realizing it. When you do this it tends to make the person think twice about saying something that could be brought up in front of others including a judge.

I also second the use of a prenuptial agreement in the future. This has been discussed in detail on previous posts. It’s hard to believe that a piece of paper(s) can protect your savings account, investment, account, checking account, 401(k), IRA, car and any other assets you have even if you accumulate them while you’re married - i’ve seen this firsthand with my relative. Because they had the prenup they have no bitterness as a result of the divorce at least from a financial point of you. They’ve indicated to me that it saved them working at least an additional 10 years. Best of luck to you on your new life.
TheDDC
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by TheDDC »

Tamarind wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 6:48 am
TheDDC wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 12:17 am It sounds like there is/was a history of wanton use of debt on both sides of the marriage from your description. Is that accurate?

I would consider a lifestyle change and make a goal of owing nothing to the bank and not having your income already spoken for outside of court ordered arrangements.

Pay down all the debt aggressively even if means curtailing retirement contributions temporarily.

-TheDDC
I probably wouldn't describe a 35-yo with a student loan and a car loan as a "wanton" spender. It has taken many Bogleheads longer to realize that affording the monthly payment was not the key metric.

Highest priority in my opinion would be any debt above marginal tax rate. Then I think especially someone that age needs to keep maxing a Roth IRA and contributing to 401k enough to get any match. Then aggressively pay down remaining debt from highest interest rate on down.

I'd prioritize debt repayment over meals out or entertainment, but not over basic retirement savings. Failing to make retirement contributions now has a compounding effect that will continue for much longer than OP will owe the amounts described.

OP, did your ex default? Is your credit tanked too at the moment? If you can, moving the credit card balance, or at least part of it, to some new cards with 0% introductory rates will help give you time to pay it off without as much interest.
Oh it totally is. Both appear to keep kicking the can down the road and spend on credit like it’s going out of style. At some point someone should have said no. Maybe after the first 10k you would think? I don’t care if it’s for cars or school.

The crappy equation about how much debt over “marginal tax rate” is a mathematical proposal, not a behavioral one. Behavioral proposals stick.

Pay it all off. You’re 35. Do you want to be stuck still paying for college when you’re 50?

-TheDDC
Rules to wealth building: 90-100% VTSAX piled high and deep, 0-10% VIGAX tilt, 0% given away to banks, minimize amount given to medical-industrial complex
Rudedog
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by Rudedog »

You have my sympathy, I have several friends who ended up divorced for similar reasons. I was lucky, my wife watches every dollar and hates to spend money (except on our grandson!). Having a partner who can handle money is a blessing.
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knpstr
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by knpstr »

nebraskaguy85 wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:05 pm Please advise on a few things I should focus on financially once divorce is finalized.
It would seem to me that it should be the same principle things that you were focused on before the divorce.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
hulburt1
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by hulburt1 »

I'm 67 married 41 years. At thanksgiving wife walks in a said I want to move out. Found that last year she spent 130000 from her IRA. Then as we are working to go our on ways she says I have 60000 worth of loans. I took the paid off house, gave her 120000 from my IRA and paid the loans off. June 8th the marriage was done. We see each other 3 time a week and have dinner. But am I a very happy person. I just think how bad this could have been. The cost $300 we agreed on everything. No attorneys. Keep care of the kids and do not ever talk about there mom in a bad way. I will never get married again.
Carter3
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by Carter3 »

SQRT wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 9:19 am I went through a debilitating divorce when I was 42. Had one daughter who was 8 at the time. Agree that you should maximize your career earnings because you’ll need it.

Other advice? Be as generous as you can possibly be and don’t let the “fight”, if any, take over your life, always meet your support obligations, never lie or obfuscate, do everything you can to maintain a good relationship with your child. In short, take the high road”. You want to be able to look yourself in the mirror every morning.

In the end, move on, find a more compatible partner. Consider a pre-nup. (I didn’t and it still worked out great).

I know it’s easy to give advice like this but much more difficult to actually do it. Things do get better. Good luck.
Right after a divorce, I don't know that a prenuptial helps you unless there has been an accumulation of wealth. I do agree with taking the high road, you'll be better off in the long run. Life always has something better for you at the end of a dark tunnel. Best of luck my friend, you'll make it.
stocknoob4111
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by stocknoob4111 »

THY4373 wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 10:54 am Or maybe go down the path of having an awesome solo life? There is far more to life than romantic relationships. Not everybody who is single (I prefer solo) wants a romantic relationship/partner. I was married for 16 years and went through an amicable divorce and have been living the solo life coming up on five years now and I love it. Best time of my life so far and only getting better. YMMV of course since there are many paths to take in life.
solo life is good, I am the same as you enjoying the freedoms that come with it but it can get lonely sometimes when you are going through a tough time and don't have a partner sharing your same situation... you can get support from friends and that is great but it isn't quite the same as a life partner sharing the journey with you. That is the good part of romantic relationships I guess.
grettman
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by grettman »

SQRT wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 9:19 am I went through a debilitating divorce when I was 42. Had one daughter who was 8 at the time. Agree that you should maximize your career earnings because you’ll need it.

Other advice? Be as generous as you can possibly be and don’t let the “fight”, if any, take over your life, always meet your support obligations, never lie or obfuscate, do everything you can to maintain a good relationship with your child. In short, take the high road”. You want to be able to look yourself in the mirror every morning.

In the end, move on, find a more compatible partner. Consider a pre-nup. (I didn’t and it still worked out great).

I know it’s easy to give advice like this but much more difficult to actually do it. Things do get better. Good luck.
+1. Being able to live with yourself by doing the right thing for your daughter is key to your emotional and moral well being. Get those right and the other pieces will click into place with perseverance, hard work, thoughtful decisions and time.
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midareff
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by midareff »

Frankly, I have a problem with the spousal support unless it is very short term.
SQRT
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by SQRT »

grettman wrote: Sat Jun 27, 2020 8:04 am
SQRT wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 9:19 am I went through a debilitating divorce when I was 42. Had one daughter who was 8 at the time. Agree that you should maximize your career earnings because you’ll need it.

Other advice? Be as generous as you can possibly be and don’t let the “fight”, if any, take over your life, always meet your support obligations, never lie or obfuscate, do everything you can to maintain a good relationship with your child. In short, take the high road”. You want to be able to look yourself in the mirror every morning.

In the end, move on, find a more compatible partner. Consider a pre-nup. (I didn’t and it still worked out great).

I know it’s easy to give advice like this but much more difficult to actually do it. Things do get better. Good luck.
+1. Being able to live with yourself by doing the right thing for your daughter is key to your emotional and moral well being. Get those right and the other pieces will click into place with perseverance, hard work, thoughtful decisions and time.
Agree. I have a fabulous, very close relationship with my daughter who is now 36. It was very difficult but in the end by far the most important outcome from my divorce. The money aspect (while significant by any measure) pales in comparison. Most difficult thing I ever did.
TimeTheMarket
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by TimeTheMarket »

stoptothink wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:38 pm
Trader Joe wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:33 pm
4. Pay off all of your debt and live your life debt free. The rewards here cannot be overstated.
5. Find someone that aligns with your own financial goals.

Best of luck.
+1. Went through the exact same thing and when I decided to start dating again, these were topics discussed on first dates. Probably not romantic, but it worked: #2 and I are on the same page and life couldn't be better.
This. If I had to go through it now I would also ensure immediately the person has their finances in gear. Would be critical—something a 20 year old doesn’t care about but an adult needs to.

OP make sure to freeze all your credit accounts and have two factor authentication on everything to ensure no chance she can get at your accounts or start new ones.
Username is not serious :)
protagonist
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by protagonist »

stoptothink wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:38 pm
Trader Joe wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:33 pm
4. Pay off all of your debt and live your life debt free. The rewards here cannot be overstated.
5. Find someone that aligns with your own financial goals.

Best of luck.
+1. Went through the exact same thing and when I decided to start dating again, these were topics discussed on first dates. Probably not romantic, but it worked: #2 and I are on the same page and life couldn't be better.
Same here (well, not on the first date *laughing*)...I agree completely.
Bobby206
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by Bobby206 »

stoptothink wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 9:30 am
Bobby206 wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 9:24 am
stoptothink wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:38 pm
Trader Joe wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:33 pm
4. Pay off all of your debt and live your life debt free. The rewards here cannot be overstated.
5. Find someone that aligns with your own financial goals.

Best of luck.
+1. Went through the exact same thing and when I decided to start dating again, these were topics discussed on first dates. Probably not romantic, but it worked: #2 and I are on the same page and life couldn't be better.
I'd probably wait until later than date #1 to talk about financial issues. Might seem a little odd to a lot of people. It's sort of like talking about how many kids you plan to have on date #1. I'd focus more on fun on date #1. fwiw. BTW, good luck to you!
When you are a little older, have more to lose, and not a whole lot of time to date; you don't want to waste that time on someone you have no future with.
I last dated at an age that I was not young, had a lot to lose, and didn't have a ton of time... but dating was really fun. Why screw it up talking about money and babies on date #1!? You might as well just do computer dating and not waste any time. Forget that! I enjoy meeting people, having fun, seeing what develops, and living life! To each their own....
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knpstr
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by knpstr »

Just to circle back and not to get too personal either, but if this is the only reason for divorce, it isn't a very good one.

If your spouse has a spending problem, it is a problem they need help with, and you can help, in fact who better to do so? As others said if you eliminate joint accounts and control how much money she is in control of, that is a start, but part of the vows are "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, sickness and in health". If she has a true "spending problem" she is emotionally/mentally sick and needs your help. If she continues in this problem on her own it is going to continue to ruin her and perhaps your child's life.

You don't need to go into detail for all the reasons for your divorce, but I just hope this isn't the only reason.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
IMO
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by IMO »

Ependytis wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 1:25 pm I am sorry to hear that you have to go through this. I couldn’t agree more with what one poster recommended in terms of doing what’s best for the child. If you do this it’ll avoid a lot of conflict. Also if there stills lot of conflict, try to communicate by email. Make sure to have someone else read your email so that there is nothing inflammatory you might say without realizing it. When you do this it tends to make the person think twice about saying something that could be brought up in front of others including a judge.

I also second the use of a prenuptial agreement in the future. This has been discussed in detail on previous posts. It’s hard to believe that a piece of paper(s) can protect your savings account, investment, account, checking account, 401(k), IRA, car and any other assets you have even if you accumulate them while you’re married - i’ve seen this firsthand with my relative. Because they had the prenup they have no bitterness as a result of the divorce at least from a financial point of you. They’ve indicated to me that it saved them working at least an additional 10 years. Best of luck to you on your new life.
Prenup is good.

If one is to start making recommendations for future significant other(s), I suggest finding one who has their own significant career and has their own significant assets they also want to protect.
Broken Man 1999
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Re: Going Thru Divorce

Post by Broken Man 1999 »

hulburt1 wrote: Fri Jun 26, 2020 9:33 pm I'm 67 married 41 years. At thanksgiving wife walks in a said I want to move out. Found that last year she spent 130000 from her IRA. Then as we are working to go our on ways she says I have 60000 worth of loans. I took the paid off house, gave her 120000 from my IRA and paid the loans off. June 8th the marriage was done. We see each other 3 time a week and have dinner. But am I a very happy person. I just think how bad this could have been. The cost $300 we agreed on everything. No attorneys. Keep care of the kids and do not ever talk about there mom in a bad way. I will never get married again.
Wow! That must have been a punch to the gut!

DW's parents were divorced. Her parents always acted respectfully towards each other, at least at our home.

So, I completely understand your situation, and you are proof that divorce doesn't always turn into hostilities. Sometimes people are better friends than marriage partners.

I wish you the best!

Broken Man 1999
“If I cannot drink Bourbon and smoke cigars in Heaven then I shall not go. " -Mark Twain
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