What to do (career/life)

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jb1
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What to do (career/life)

Post by jb1 » Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:44 pm

Hey all, may be a long read. Typing from my phone as well so excuse any grammatical errors.

First off I’m 29, and put a lot of stress on myself. I demand success in my life, and I am generally unhappy (focused) for the most part.

From all the hard work in my 20’s I have 120k in a vanguard account (85k taxable, 35k Roth IRA), 5k in a simple ira, 18k in a high yield account. I also have a house in which I rent out to friends, essentially paying $4 a month myself to live there. I am very focused on finance, frugal, love thinking about the future.

I live in Wilmington Nc, have a good job, and I am single. The latter part of that is what scares me. I am what I think a good looking guy, great personality, driven, however I feel like I am in the wrong city. For those that have never been to Wilmington, it is a beach/college town, not many careers to choose from. Sounds great if you’re under 25, however the clientele to choose from in terms of a long term girl is slim to none. I’ve met countless girls/people that do drugs, party nonstop, dead-end careers etc. It’s actually disappointing, it’s as if they get caught in a lifestyle and never leave it. I’m sure there are good ones here, but it is surely a diamond in the rough.

On the other hand there is raleigh, a professional city only 2 hours away. I love a big city. For a while I’ve been debating.. do I take the risk and go? Every time I am there, I meet great girls, however due to distance and schedules it never works out. These girls are career oriented, great jobs, healthy lifestyle etc.

As mentioned before, my city is lacking in jobs, and should I choose to leave my current place of employment, it would only make sense to move to another city.

The only things keeping me in Wilmington is the fact I have a house, my parents live here, and I am saving (on average) -$2k a month through various jobs I have.

What do you think? I’ll be honest, the biggest reason I am unhappy is probably for being single for so long. Every good girl I meet here, unfortunately moves to a bigger city. Do I bite the bullet, move, get a job in Raleigh, rent and start over? Or stay and hope for the best?

Thanks all

Goal33
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by Goal33 » Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:52 pm

Start with some dating apps
A man with one watch always knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.

lgs88
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by lgs88 » Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:57 pm

Move!

Bet you'll have more head room salary-wise in the Raleigh area, too.
merely an interested amateur

Topic Author
jb1
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by jb1 » Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:57 pm

Goal33 wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:52 pm
Start with some dating apps
I have those!! Haha. Changed my location to Raleigh, great hits. Actually made tentative plans to see a girl this weekend in Raleigh.

poker27
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by poker27 » Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:14 pm

First off, I would confirm with good, but truthful friends/ family that what your saying is true. Maybe your standards are too high, doesn’t exist, or whatever. Now if you are being rationale I think your taking saving and frugality to an unhealthy extreme, and it’s causing you unhappiness.

Go get a new job and rent in Raleigh for a year and see how you like it, the grass isn’t always greener, but test it out. If it doesn’t work out, you can consider moving back, or to another city (world is bigger than NC).

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JoMoney
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by JoMoney » Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:16 pm

jb1 wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:44 pm
... I am generally unhappy... I am single....that is what scares me...I feel like I am in the wrong city...
I love a big city....Every time I am there, I meet great girls...
...it would only make sense to move to another city...
...the biggest reason I am unhappy is probably for being single for so long. Every good girl I meet here, unfortunately moves to a bigger city...
I feel like your post isn't leaving a lot of room for saying "don't go", and that you've made up your mind about what you want to do... but perhaps there are other things holding you up that you didn't fully articulate.
"To achieve satisfactory investment results is easier than most people realize; to achieve superior results is harder than it looks." - Benjamin Graham

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jb1
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by jb1 » Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:26 pm

poker27 wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:14 pm
First off, I would confirm with good, but truthful friends/ family that what your saying is true. Maybe your standards are too high, doesn’t exist, or whatever. Now if you are being rationale I think your taking saving and frugality to an unhealthy extreme, and it’s causing you unhappiness.

Go get a new job and rent in Raleigh for a year and see how you like it, the grass isn’t always greener, but test it out. If it doesn’t work out, you can consider moving back, or to another city (world is bigger than NC).
I agree with the unhealthy extreme of saving. I honestly don’t know how to spend excess money. In fact I even made a thread on what the point of a taxable account was, rhetorically asking. I’ve gotten so used and comfortably to saving/investing a certain amount that it’s become the norm for me.

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jb1
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by jb1 » Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:27 pm

JoMoney wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:16 pm
jb1 wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:44 pm
... I am generally unhappy... I am single....that is what scares me...I feel like I am in the wrong city...
I love a big city....Every time I am there, I meet great girls...
...it would only make sense to move to another city...
...the biggest reason I am unhappy is probably for being single for so long. Every good girl I meet here, unfortunately moves to a bigger city...
I feel like your post isn't leaving a lot of room for saying "don't go", and that you've made up your mind about what you want to do... but perhaps there are other things holding you up that you didn't fully articulate.
I do like the city life of things. If where I’m at currently had more businesses (which would bring in a more professional crowd) that would be ideal. Thanks for the post.

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crystalbank
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by crystalbank » Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:33 pm

Go West Young Man...JK. Raleigh sounds good. It's only 2 hrs away! People move continents..
Eventually if you do find someone and decide to settle down your plans will significantly change anyways.

poker27
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by poker27 » Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:37 pm

jb1 wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:26 pm
poker27 wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:14 pm
First off, I would confirm with good, but truthful friends/ family that what your saying is true. Maybe your standards are too high, doesn’t exist, or whatever. Now if you are being rationale I think your taking saving and frugality to an unhealthy extreme, and it’s causing you unhappiness.

Go get a new job and rent in Raleigh for a year and see how you like it, the grass isn’t always greener, but test it out. If it doesn’t work out, you can consider moving back, or to another city (world is bigger than NC).
I agree with the unhealthy extreme of saving. I honestly don’t know how to spend excess money. In fact I even made a thread on what the point of a taxable account was, rhetorically asking. I’ve gotten so used and comfortably to saving/investing a certain amount that it’s become the norm for me.
You do in fact know how to spend $. You rent a decent place in Raleigh rather than living for free in your current situation. It’s very simple. Now if you feel stashing away $ is better for your situation or will make you happier, more power to ya.

StealthRabbit
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by StealthRabbit » Tue Nov 19, 2019 12:47 am

Skill set?
. Career interests?
..EDU? (maybe I missed those important facts)

I'm all for 'un-dating', as you find the really highest quality potential life mates when you are not looking!

Post college / Community ed classes, Volunteer opportunities, social events (not bars) ie. City League sports, hiking , bicycle, art, photo, gardening swimming clubs... I hear the 'Health Club' is far superior way to meet partners these days. I met some very excellent partners while in 4H!!! :wink: Showing cows, sheep, horses... I really excelled at 'Pie and Ice Cream Socials'!

Met my spouse when her sisters (who I knew for ages) showed up with this Babe! "Who's That'? !!! Oh... she's just my big sister who left for college and never came back... BINGO! Age 28, I prefer 'older gals' 8-)

ohai
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by ohai » Tue Nov 19, 2019 1:43 am

This post gives me a weird vibe. It doesn't seem like your background is consistent with your self evaluation.

Anyway, if you were to move to Raleigh or similar city, what would you do for work? What is your current profession? I'm sure you've thought about different scenarios, but materializing plans depends on very specific details..

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Watty
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by Watty » Tue Nov 19, 2019 2:14 am

I don't know if it will help but but here is my experience. (I am a guy.)

I was raised on the midwest and after college I went and worked with computers in Silicon Valley in the Bay Area for about six years. When I was living there I dated and had a few girlfriends but nothing that was leading to a long term relationship. At least back then there were a lot more guys than gals working in Silicon Valley so that was not an ideal place for a guy to be dating since the odds were sort stacked guys.

When I was about your age I was ready to buy my first house but they were way to expensive in the Bay Area so even back then. I found a job and moved up to Portland Oregon where I literally knew no one. I had been there several times and it is a nice city and back then housing was very affordable(not now though).

The people in the new office I was working in did not really socialise outside of work so at first there were a lot of lonely weekends at since I did not know people in that city.

That forced me to get outside of my comfort zone and to go out and do things since otherwise I would just be stuck and bored in my apartment. I did a lot of different things with classes and groups and eventually got involved with a very large ski club that also had several other events each week like hiking, rafting, campouts, travel, etc. It was not officially a singles club but probably 95% of the members were single.

I was dating a fair amount and bought a house while I was still single about nine months after I moved to Portland. About a year after I moved there I meet my future wife in downhill ski lessons that went on for several weeks and we carpooled together so we saw each other a few times and had a good chance to talk in the car before our first real date. About six months after we meet we were engaged and we got married about three months later so things went pretty fast. We just had our 32nd anniversary and we are still together.

I was not any Don Juan and in some ways a bit of a computer nerd but I think the fact that I had moved like that made me seem more confident and interesting to some women which helped when I was dating.

The only big question in my mind is if you can find a job in Raleigh that would be good for your career but if you can find a good job then I see little downside to giving it a try. You can rent you house and you can always move back if it does not work out. You will also only be two hours away so you will not be far from your family.

When I was ready to leave the Bay Area Portland Oregon was my first choice but was also open to moving to Seattle as a second choice and Sacramento was a distant third choice. Part of where I ended up depended on me being able to find a job that was good for my career so I was happy that I found it in my first choice city. You might also consider other cities than Raleigh if you don't find a really good job there.

totallystudly
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by totallystudly » Tue Nov 19, 2019 2:21 am

Goal33 wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:52 pm
Start with some dating apps
Lol. He asked for advice, not how he can hate life more. Datings apps are trash for men. 99.4% chance of not even matching with someone according to the stats. That's not worth my time.
jb1 wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:44 pm
I demand success in my life, and I am generally unhappy (focused) for the most part.
If you are getting "Success" but aren't happy, you may want to redefine what success looks like.
jb1 wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:44 pm
I am very focused on finance, frugal, love thinking about the future.
As well you should be. This mindset pays off bigtime in about 10 years. Keep your health, diet, and training strong and life should be great. You are doing everything right.
jb1 wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:44 pm
I am what I think a good looking guy, great personality, driven, however I feel like I am in the wrong city.
Its not the city. High quality people are uncommon and those prone to bad decision making will start separating themselves from everyone else quite quickly if they haven't already. I've been there and felt the same way. It is weird. Keep doing what you are doing.
jb1 wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:44 pm
Sounds great if you’re under 25, however the clientele to choose from in terms of a long term girl is slim to none.


Biggest advice I can suggest is to travel overseas. Check out Europe, south of the border, Canadians too...maybe during the summer. Don't limit yourself to American women.
jb1 wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:44 pm
These girls are career oriented, great jobs, healthy lifestyle etc.

That's what they want you to see. I'm sure if you spent more time cracks would show. It isn't the city again.

If a new city has better job prospects, by all means evaluate it, but don't move just for women.

EngineerEd
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by EngineerEd » Tue Nov 19, 2019 3:51 am

I'd try the move, it's only 2 hours away, you could take weekend trips to see your family every other week without a sweat.

Given your family's proximity, moving to Raleigh won't even be that difficult, and if you are afraid of putting down roots in terms of moving and furniture and finances and whatnot you can live off just 2 suitcases and a bed and rent a small apartment on a month-to-month deal.

The risk seems low, the reward seems potentially high. If for absolutely nothing else I'd consider the move for career reasons. Raleigh is near the "research triangle" so it should have a good number of higher upside jobs in the more technical space. Unfortunately, in my experience, tech/software is one of those careers where you definitely want to live in or near a high-tech area, which also generally tends towards higher COL.

As for dating, not sure if internet advice ever helps more than it hurts, but a change of scenery leads to opportunity at the very least.


Saving 2k a month in a LCOL area with a house and family nearby obviously isn't a bad situation financially, but in your case it sounds like you feel as though you've "maxed out your potential" in Wilmington. So I say at least try moving to Raleigh for a year. Your savings rate will probably drop, but it's not the end of the world. Sometimes we have to take a few steps back before we can continue moving forward.

Maybe you'll find the "big" city life is everything you thought and more, maybe you'll think that it's not as glamorous as it seems and adjust your expectations moving forward. Either way it sounds like a win to me.

hoffse
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by hoffse » Tue Nov 19, 2019 3:52 am

I also get a weird vibe. Professional woman (not “girl”) here in my early 30’s. Happily married fwiw.

If you want to move, then move. Maximizing money is not the end-all to life, which you are finding out. That being said, you need to go into it with a plan, and it doesn’t sound like you have a well formulated plan.

I also think that if you can’t or won’t make a relationship work with a 2 hour drive currently, then it’s likely you just haven’t met the right person yet. My husband and I did 2-4 hour “long distance” for 5 years of dating, 2 years of engagement, and 1 year of marriage before our education and jobs finally lined up to be in the same place at the same time. I’m not saying you need to be willing to spend 8 years apart like we did, but if you aren’t willing to do it for even 6-12 months while you get a job and move lined up, it might be a you or her problem as much as a Wilmington problem.

Finally, I suggest adjusting your vocabulary to “women” and not “girls.” Professional women are likely to take notice if you call them girls, and not always in a good way. It’s a completely different rule book than college.
Last edited by hoffse on Tue Nov 19, 2019 4:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

msk
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by msk » Tue Nov 19, 2019 3:57 am

Some other cultures do it better. "Ma, I am ready for marriage, please find me a suitable girl." From real world statistics, works at least as as well as pick-your-own :sharebeer

yohac
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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by yohac » Tue Nov 19, 2019 5:45 am

hoffse wrote:
Tue Nov 19, 2019 3:52 am
Finally, I suggest adjusting your vocabulary to “women” and not “girls.” Professional women are likely to take notice if you call them girls, and not always in a good way. It’s a completely different rule book than college.
First thing I noticed too.

OP, sounds like you're ready to move, and that's fine. Just don't expect everything to be peachy right away. Once you age out of the college scene, moving to a new place where you have no family or real friends can be very difficult emotionally.

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Re: What to do (career/life)

Post by oldcomputerguy » Tue Nov 19, 2019 6:46 am

This thread is off-topic for the board (relationship issue) and has been locked.
"I’ve come around to this: If you’re dumb, surround yourself with smart people; and if you’re smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you." (Aaron Sorkin)

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