Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

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sjl333
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Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by sjl333 »

Hello All,

Dealing with some issues right now with some colleagues/friends.

If you look at my previous posts I mention how I have been able to raise my salary from 65K --> 250 K in a relatively short amount of time through major hustling and bustling (Current Age = 30 y/o).

my biggest mistake was not keeping my mouth shut and letting a couple of people know about my current salary - and it has spread across to everybody.

Most of my close friends are happy for me and they look up to me as their role model. However, I do get the occasional "Oh sjl333 is rich, he makes the most out of us, he can afford it easily", or "you make more than me, you can afford this", "stop being so cheap you make a lot of money" etc....

In addition, one of my colleagues I hang out with has gotten quite resentful of me. He makes 80K so I can see why he feels quite inferior whenever he is around me. Everytime we see each other now its always about how much money i make, and he sometimes expects me to cover the bill now whenever we get drinks. We were planning trips with our group of friends and he makes remarks like "oh sjl333 can afford it, he makes a lot of money now" and he keeps making other snark comments like that about me.

I know i made a huge mistake - with not keeping my mouth shut and letting certain people know - wrong move on my end. But, i find it quite disturbing that one of my colleagues is starting to expect hand outs from me and keeps making remarks about my success.

When I meet somebody more successful than me, I give them praise and look up to them, but i never ever expect a hand out from them.

Luckily I won't see this certain colleague much anymore as I moved to a different state - but whenever we do see each other (he is in my group of friends) - it gets quite awkward now. I can feel the tension and resentment he has towards me. We were very very cool when we first met - got along really well - but once he found out about my new job and salary growth - he totally changed his perspective of me. I will have to keep my distance from him now.

Anyhow, long story short - it looks like one needs to keep their mouth shut about their salary and wealth or it may lead to trouble with friends/family. I know this is common sense, but i thought close friends/colleagues would be okay, but i guess not. lesson learned on my end.
Amart
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Amart »

It is an unfortunate truth of human nature, you've unfortunately divulged too much information by providing your salary and directed envy towards yourself. This was going to happen to some degree regardless of your actions. I recently leased a luxury car and have had similar sentiments thrown my way by friends, however, their emotions are not my responsibility. We are allowed to enjoy the fruits of our labor! The only thing that can be done, for those who truly care about you (and you for them) but are wondering where they went wrong, seeing that they have not achieved your degree of success, is to be generous and share with them what has helped you achieve what they have not (principles, strategies, etc.). Also, treating them to the occasional meal or drink seems to be the right thing to do if they are financially struggling (or not, they are your friends!), don't be foolish with your money but don't be a miser either.
Last edited by Amart on Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:31 am, edited 4 times in total.
delamer
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by delamer »

I give you credit for recognizing your mistake after-the-fact. You’ve learned that there is rarely anything to be gained by discussing details of your finances with anyone you aren’t married to.

However, be careful about assuming someone “feels quite inferior” due to your success. It is possible that you are inadvertently giving off an attitude of superiority which is feeding some of the remarks you are getting.

Some successful people want to make it very clear to others that they are so. Others who are successful are much more self-effacing. Be in the second group going forward.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by RadAudit »

sjl333 wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:13 am it looks like one needs to keep their mouth shut about their salary and wealth or it may lead to trouble with friends/family.
+1

PS: You probably are neither rich nor wealthy. So, don't worry.
FI is the best revenge. LBYM. Invest the rest. Stay the course. - PS: The cavalry isn't coming, kids. You are on your own.
j0nnyg1984
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by j0nnyg1984 »

Just cut those people out of your life. Eventually, the people around you will realize what’s happening and start to keep their mouths shut.

Or, hopefully they don’t, and you get to rid yourself of the negative people.
Topic Author
sjl333
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by sjl333 »

RadAudit wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:28 am
sjl333 wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:13 am it looks like one needs to keep their mouth shut about their salary and wealth or it may lead to trouble with friends/family.
+1

PS: You probably are neither rich nor wealthy. So, don't worry.
That is the thing - my net worth isn't even all that high. I just recently received a large salary increase....but to others it seems like when they hear about my salary they think im "rich" or "wealthy" which is absolutely false. Will I get their in the future? Probably. But as of now, I am neither. But the illusion that I am "rich" and "wealthy" is there because of my current new salary hike. To each their own.
sd323232
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by sd323232 »

sjl333 wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:13 am Hello All,

Dealing with some issues right now with some colleagues/friends.

If you look at my previous posts I mention how I have been able to raise my salary from 65K --> 250 K in a relatively short amount of time through major hustling and bustling (Current Age = 30 y/o).

my biggest mistake was not keeping my mouth shut and letting a couple of people know about my current salary - and it has spread across to everybody.

Most of my close friends are happy for me and they look up to me as their role model. However, I do get the occasional "Oh sjl333 is rich, he makes the most out of us, he can afford it easily", or "you make more than me, you can afford this", "stop being so cheap you make a lot of money" etc....

In addition, one of my colleagues I hang out with has gotten quite resentful of me. He makes 80K so I can see why he feels quite inferior whenever he is around me. Everytime we see each other now its always about how much money i make, and he sometimes expects me to cover the bill now whenever we get drinks. We were planning trips with our group of friends and he makes remarks like "oh sjl333 can afford it, he makes a lot of money now" and he keeps making other snark comments like that about me.

I know i made a huge mistake - with not keeping my mouth shut and letting certain people know - wrong move on my end. But, i find it quite disturbing that one of my colleagues is starting to expect hand outs from me and keeps making remarks about my success.

When I meet somebody more successful than me, I give them praise and look up to them, but i never ever expect a hand out from them.

Luckily I won't see this certain colleague much anymore as I moved to a different state - but whenever we do see each other (he is in my group of friends) - it gets quite awkward now. I can feel the tension and resentment he has towards me. We were very very cool when we first met - got along really well - but once he found out about my new job and salary growth - he totally changed his perspective of me. I will have to keep my distance from him now.

Anyhow, long story short - it looks like one needs to keep their mouth shut about their salary and wealth or it may lead to trouble with friends/family. I know this is common sense, but i thought close friends/colleagues would be okay, but i guess not. lesson learned on my end.
Very good read. I also learned same way. I always keep my mouth shut on how much i make and what is my networth. Telling poeple this info will only bring bad, never good.
Momus
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Momus »

Umm just ignore those toxic people. You can boast your cheapness like me to your group of friends. Then, they will NEVER expect you to pay for anything :P That's the trick. :sharebeer
Silk McCue
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Silk McCue »

sjl333 wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:13 am ...

Luckily I won't see this certain colleague much anymore as I moved to a different state - but whenever we do see each other (he is in my group of friends) - it gets quite awkward now. I can feel the tension and resentment he has towards me. We were very very cool when we first met - got along really well - but once he found out about my new job and salary growth - he totally changed his perspective of me. I will have to keep my distance from him now.

...
If this happens again with this friend you should nicely say "Do me a favor, please stop making references about my finances, it has gotten old and I would hate this to ruin our friendship". If they do it again remind him that you asked them nicely to stop and that they can either respect your wishes or they can choose to walk away from friendship.

Cheers
Last edited by Silk McCue on Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
HomeStretch
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by HomeStretch »

Learn from the mistake and move on.

Going forward, keep everything financial to yourself - salary, promotions, new car shopping, vacation cost, etc.

Shutdown the expectation that you will pay the bill when together. That’s a big black budget hole.
flossmoor
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by flossmoor »

Weed people like that from your life. No reason at all your "friend count" cannot decrease.

And yeah, do not discuss your finances/money/net worth/salary with anyone other than a spouse or actual investment advisor/accountant.
mariezzz
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by mariezzz »

Why would you define 'success' in terms of salary? Your OP makes it clear you do.
Why would you share salary information with others? It sounds like you're boasting.
Statements like "He makes 80K so I can see why he feels quite inferior whenever he is around me." make it clear that you're the problem in the relationship.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by tibbitts »

It seems like you have a new life now, so it doesn't really matter. Realistically you'll be immersed in a different world than you had been, so probably you will only have contact with people from your past very occasionally if ever. I also feel that your statement about you understanding why your former friend is feeling "quite inferior" is an indication that it's time for you to move on and jettison all, or at least all non-immediate-family, relationships from your past, less lucrative life.
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sjl333
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by sjl333 »

mariezzz wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:01 pm Why would you define 'success' in terms of salary? Your OP makes it clear you do.
Why would you share salary information with others? It sounds like you're boasting.
Statements like "He makes 80K so I can see why he feels quite inferior whenever he is around me." make it clear that you're the problem in the relationship.
False.

I get along with all of my close colleagues/friends.

He is the only one calling me out and making continuous remarks. I can sense the jealousy and resentment he has towards me, whereas other friends/colleagues are more happy for me then jealous of me.

He is the issue - not me.

I plan to keep my distance from this individual for the time being.

That being said - i do agree - i shouldn't have said anything about my salary - it was semi-boasting in a way, my fault there. But the way he is reacting and acting towards me is unwarranted.
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TomatoTomahto
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by TomatoTomahto »

delamer wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:27 am However, be careful about assuming someone “feels quite inferior” due to your success. It is possible that you are inadvertently giving off an attitude of superiority which is feeding some of the remarks you are getting.
That stood out to me also.

OP, people always say that you know who your friends are when you’re down and out. To some extent, that’s true. But, IMO, you really know who your friends are when you’ve done well (or gotten lucky).
Okay, I get it; I won't be political or controversial. The Earth is flat.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Boglegrappler »

I learned this lesson from afar. I saw two of my friends, in separate situations and times, experience some success and good fortune that made them a great deal better off than their (former) colleagues. In each case, I got to listen to observations from our circle of acquaintances that made it clear that a number of people were not able to be happy for their friend, and possibly that they were actively resentful. This was a little surprising since the friends circles didn't involve people who were competing with the two fellows in their same firms.

You really have to be careful about who knows what about you and your circumstances. Its not beyond some people to make attempts to harm your career and standing if they are insanely jealous of you. Life is hard enough without having others deciding that somehow bringing you down will make them feel better.

BTW, this applies to family as well. I've seen people jealous of their own children's success, and I think I may have seen people resentful of their parents success (after they are into their own adult life). Throw in-laws into the mix, and you have every reason to keep your personal financial information close to the vest.

Never underestimate the level of envy that can exist out there.

Good luck.

PS: This reminds me of the obverse situation as well. Someplace there is a quote that says: Don't tell your troubles to others. Half of them find it tiresome to listen to, and the other half think you deserve it. :)
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sjl333
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by sjl333 »

Boglegrappler wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:16 pm I learned this lesson from afar. I saw two of my friends, in separate situations and times, experience some success and good fortune that made them a great deal better off than their (former) colleagues. In each case, I got to listen to observations from our circle of acquaintances that made it clear that a number of people were not able to be happy for their friend, and possibly that they were actively resentful. This was a little surprising since the friends circles didn't involve people who were competing with the two fellows in their same firms.

You really have to be careful about who knows what about you and your circumstances. Its not beyond some people to make attempts to harm your career and standing if they are insanely jealous of you. Life is hard enough without having others deciding that somehow bringing you down will make them feel better.

BTW, this applies to family as well. I've seen people jealous of their own children's success, and I think I may have seen people resentful of their parents success (after they are into their own adult life). Throw in-laws into the mix, and you have every reason to keep your personal financial information close to the vest.

Never underestimate the level of envy that can exist out there.

Good luck.

PS: This reminds me of the obverse situation as well. Someplace there is a quote that says: Don't tell your troubles to others. Half of them find it tiresome to listen to, and the other half think you deserve it. :)
Thanks for the note. I think that is my main issue - I am really self-confident and comfortable with my own skin, that I never ever feel jealousy or resent towards anybody. If somebody is more successful than me, I give them praise, look up to them, and ask for their advice. If somebody is less successful than me, if they ask for my advice, I give it willingly, since I know where they are coming from.

I wish the best for everybody (friends, colleagues, family, etc). I am always happy to see any of them succeed and do well. That is mainly because I care for them - and wish them the best - and because I am comfortable with my own self and with my own definition of success.

That is why its so foreign to me when people start to become resentful and jealous towards me - because i would never feel that way towards them. But i understand not everybody thinks along the same lines as I do so I need to realize people have different thought processes and different ways of seeing things. But lesson learned - as I mentioned already - safest thing to do is keep everything to yourself and not try to "boast" about your successes to others - as they may become very resentful of you, unfortunately.
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sjl333
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by sjl333 »

tibbitts wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:05 pm It seems like you have a new life now, so it doesn't really matter. Realistically you'll be immersed in a different world than you had been, so probably you will only have contact with people from your past very occasionally if ever. I also feel that your statement about you understanding why your former friend is feeling "quite inferior" is an indication that it's time for you to move on and jettison all, or at least all non-immediate-family, relationships from your past, less lucrative life.
This is all very true. Thanks for the advice. I have started a new life in a different state - so I will not be seeing this particular individual anymore. Also, I will need to start making some new friends at my new location - lesson learned - keep my mouth shut about finances - if i do get closer with my new colleagues, will only lead to trouble down the road.

But it just kind of hurts me at times because this individual was one of my closest colleagues, but life moves on now. I guess he wasn't as close to me as I thought, if his view of me changes after my successes.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by fru-gal »

delamer wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:27 am However, be careful about assuming someone “feels quite inferior” due to your success. It is possible that you are inadvertently giving off an attitude of superiority which is feeding some of the remarks you are getting.
That's what came across to me all through the OP's original post. What random person thinks a richer person than they are is superior to them? No one I know. But I have crossed paths with well to do people who are, as my Dad would say, snots.

Think of all the ways one measures superiority - is salary one of them? Not on my list.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Sandtrap »

Silk McCue wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:51 am
sjl333 wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:13 am ...

Luckily I won't see this certain colleague much anymore as I moved to a different state - but whenever we do see each other (he is in my group of friends) - it gets quite awkward now. I can feel the tension and resentment he has towards me. We were very very cool when we first met - got along really well - but once he found out about my new job and salary growth - he totally changed his perspective of me. I will have to keep my distance from him now.

...
If this happens again with this friend you should nicely say "Do me a favor, please stop making references about my finances, it has gotten old and I would hate this to ruin our friendship". If they do it again remind him that you asked them nicely to stop and that they can either respect your wishes or they can choose to walk away from friendship.

Cheers
Too late. The "friendship" has already been compromised. Anything going forward will be superficially polite at best. Underlying currents reveal the core truths of others. . . and self.

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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by cherijoh »

sjl333 wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:13 am Hello All,

Dealing with some issues right now with some colleagues/friends.

If you look at my previous posts I mention how I have been able to raise my salary from 65K --> 250 K in a relatively short amount of time through major hustling and bustling (Current Age = 30 y/o).

my biggest mistake was not keeping my mouth shut and letting a couple of people know about my current salary - and it has spread across to everybody.
...

Anyhow, long story short - it looks like one needs to keep their mouth shut about their salary and wealth or it may lead to trouble with friends/family. I know this is common sense, but i thought close friends/colleagues would be okay, but i guess not. lesson learned on my end.
I never discussed salary with colleagues. I think it is understandable that they might feel resentful that they aren't being given the same opportunities as you; no need to rub it in by actually citing numbers. You may think that it was all hustle on your part, but there is also always some element of luck - in project assignments, customers you handle, or how seriously your boss will go to bat for you vs. other managers in the same salary and/or bonus pool.

Throughout my career, I was always an individual contributor, so project assignment heavily influenced bonuses and promotions - in addition to my performance. I also had a good mentor who taught me to make the most of my accomplishments at performance review time. At my first megacorp employer, I was promoted in place to a level that was the equivalent of first level manager, which made me eligible for a higher bonus tier in addition to a nice raise. The promotion was of course public, but I don't know if all my colleagues (most of them more senior in terms of years of service but not job level) realized the full extent of the promotion in terms of $$. I was quite happy to keep it that way.

Most of my friends didn't have a clue about how much I was making. A friend who was getting ready to buy her first house was asking about PMI; she was amazed when I mentioned that I was able to put down a 20% down payment (even though it was only $25K when I bought the house 25+ years ago). I only told a select few friends when I paid off my mortgage.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Tachyon »

sjl333 wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:31 pm This is all very true. Thanks for the advice. I have started a new life in a different state - so I will not be seeing this particular individual anymore. Also, I will need to start making some new friends at my new location - lesson learned - keep my mouth shut about finances - if i do get closer with my new colleagues, will only lead to trouble down the road.

But it just kind of hurts me at times because this individual was one of my closest colleagues, but life moves on now. I guess he wasn't as close to me as I thought, if his view of me changes after my successes.
Yes, regardless of your intention, if you talk about your income, AND it is something a particular individual has insecurities about, it will come across as boasting and cause resentment. Obviously you can't control someone's insecurities. It is not wrong to talk about your income in the right setting with right individuals. For instance, I'm a physician. I don't discuss my income, especially with anyone at work who I know makes less than me. However, I have discussed it with medical students who earnestly are considering my field and wants to gain further understanding of what it means to be in my field in a mentoring capacity.

On a separate note...about handouts. I hate handout requests. As a physician, I guess it's automatically assumed "I'm rich". When I got out of training, at my first hospital, I was hit up left and right with handouts. Contribute to this, donate to that, etc. Always, if I decline, the lowest common denominator is "c'mon don't be cheap, you're a doctor, you can afford it". When I switched hospitals, I thought I'd try something new. I'll just embrace the lowest common denominator "I'm cheap". Because once you say you're cheap, there's really no more argument after that. It worked beautifully (for me). The requests stop. Now, I got nurses offering to buy me stuff from time to time, LOL. (I probably do qualify as "cheap" and actually live the part, can't say it'll work for everyone).
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Fallible »

It's good that you understand your error, an easy one to make.

It's also good to realize that how one communicates financial success to others is as significant as what they communicate. It requires considerable self-awareness to know how one is communicating, and then awareness of human nature to realize the different ways it can be perceived by others.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Watty »

delamer wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:27 am I give you credit for recognizing your mistake after-the-fact. You’ve learned that there is rarely anything to be gained by discussing details of your finances with anyone you aren’t married to.

However, be careful about assuming someone “feels quite inferior” due to your success. It is possible that you are inadvertently giving off an attitude of superiority which is feeding some of the remarks you are getting.

Some successful people want to make it very clear to others that they are so. Others who are successful are much more self-effacing. Be in the second group going forward.
+1

Even if you didn't say a word about your finances it will usually be pretty clear that your career is going well and you are making a good income.

Saying something about your finances may not have told people much that they didn't already know, it could be that the fact that you were talking about it changed their attitude towards you.

I have known people socially that were my friends that were doctors and lawyers and I have no doubt that they had incomes that were several times my income but it never really came up so that it was not a big deal.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by cherijoh »

sjl333 wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:08 pm
mariezzz wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:01 pm Why would you define 'success' in terms of salary? Your OP makes it clear you do.
Why would you share salary information with others? It sounds like you're boasting.
Statements like "He makes 80K so I can see why he feels quite inferior whenever he is around me." make it clear that you're the problem in the relationship.
False.

I get along with all of my close colleagues/friends.

He is the only one calling me out and making continuous remarks. I can sense the jealousy and resentment he has towards me, whereas other friends/colleagues are more happy for me then jealous of me.

He is the issue - not me.

I plan to keep my distance from this individual for the time being.

That being said - i do agree - i shouldn't have said anything about my salary - it was semi-boasting in a way, my fault there. But the way he is reacting and acting towards me is unwarranted.
Those other people may just have been brought up properly not to be jerks and to express congratulations when appropriate. But that doesn't preclude them from thinking you were being a lot more than "semi-boastful".

So while he is definitely a big part of the problem, you appear to be as well. Frankly, you sound immature AND shallow IMO especially with respect to the remark quoted above by mariezzz. That tells me a lot more about you than him.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by HEDGEFUNDIE »

Watty wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:28 pm
delamer wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:27 am I give you credit for recognizing your mistake after-the-fact. You’ve learned that there is rarely anything to be gained by discussing details of your finances with anyone you aren’t married to.

However, be careful about assuming someone “feels quite inferior” due to your success. It is possible that you are inadvertently giving off an attitude of superiority which is feeding some of the remarks you are getting.

Some successful people want to make it very clear to others that they are so. Others who are successful are much more self-effacing. Be in the second group going forward.
+1

Even if you didn't say a word about your finances it will usually be pretty clear that your career is going well and you are making a good income.

Saying something about your finances may not have told people much that they didn't already know, it could be that the fact that you were talking about it changed their attitude towards you.

I have known people socially that were my friends that were doctors and lawyers and I have no doubt that they had incomes that were several times my income but it never really came up so that it was not a big deal.
It was no big deal to you because you were not a lawyer or doctor.

But if you learned a peer of yours (in age, career, education, etc) was doing materially better than you, then you would justifiably feel envy. Because why him and not you? But then you have a choice, do you resent him for doing better, or do you thank him for showing you a path to follow, pulling you up as well? The latter is obviously the more productive path.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by mnnice »

I would say this is a problem somewhat developmental in nature. 16 year olds don’t have much variation in pay and older folks have learned to hike their own hike better. Life is not a race. I know lots of folks that made bank for a short time and then had something happen (illness, addiction, structural changes in the business).
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Bacchus01 »

Move on to new friends.

My friends give me crap all the time about it. But it’s never out of jealousy and more the fact that we’ve been sarcastic friends with each other since middle school.

If the comments are truly hurtful, move on.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Broken Man 1999 »

OP, you made a mistake. Move on and don't make it again. It is really that simple.

Good luck. You mistake was a learning expetience. You can't undo it, but you can learn from it, and not make the mistake again.

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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Gnirk »

sjl333 wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:13 am I know i made a huge mistake - with not keeping my mouth shut and letting certain people know - wrong move on my end. But, i find it quite disturbing that one of my colleagues is starting to expect hand outs from me and keeps making remarks about my success.

Anyhow, long story short - it looks like one needs to keep their mouth shut about their salary and wealth or it may lead to trouble with friends/family. I know this is common sense, but i thought close friends/colleagues would be okay, but i guess not. lesson learned on my end.
And this is true of any age. At least you learned it early in your life; I know some folks who still haven't learned who are in their late 70's, and it has cost them some friendships because their slip of the tongue created a significant shift in attitude towards them. Now you know that some people just can't be happy for others' successes.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Bacchus01 »

Gnirk wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 3:41 pm
sjl333 wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:13 am I know i made a huge mistake - with not keeping my mouth shut and letting certain people know - wrong move on my end. But, i find it quite disturbing that one of my colleagues is starting to expect hand outs from me and keeps making remarks about my success.

Anyhow, long story short - it looks like one needs to keep their mouth shut about their salary and wealth or it may lead to trouble with friends/family. I know this is common sense, but i thought close friends/colleagues would be okay, but i guess not. lesson learned on my end.
And this is true of any age. At least you learned it early in your life; I know some folks who still haven't learned who are in their late 70's, and it has cost them some friendships because their slip of the tongue created a significant shift in attitude towards them. Now you know that some people just can't be happy for others' successes.
If the slip of a tongue causes a lost friendship, it’s probably a friendship you shouldn’t have had.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Broken Man 1999 »

Bacchus01 wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 3:48 pm
Gnirk wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 3:41 pm
sjl333 wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:13 am I know i made a huge mistake - with not keeping my mouth shut and letting certain people know - wrong move on my end. But, i find it quite disturbing that one of my colleagues is starting to expect hand outs from me and keeps making remarks about my success.

Anyhow, long story short - it looks like one needs to keep their mouth shut about their salary and wealth or it may lead to trouble with friends/family. I know this is common sense, but i thought close friends/colleagues would be okay, but i guess not. lesson learned on my end.
And this is true of any age. At least you learned it early in your life; I know some folks who still haven't learned who are in their late 70's, and it has cost them some friendships because their slip of the tongue created a significant shift in attitude towards them. Now you know that some people just can't be happy for others' successes.
If the slip of a tongue causes a lost friendship, it’s probably a friendship you shouldn’t have had.
Pretty much the case. So, why take the chance?

Because of friendships I desire to maintain, I simply do not discuss personal finances, politics, or religion. Discussions about those three subjects can become corrosive to friendships. Not much good can come from it, and much harm.

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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by ResearchMed »

delamer wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:27 am I give you credit for recognizing your mistake after-the-fact. You’ve learned that there is rarely anything to be gained by discussing details of your finances with anyone you aren’t married to.

However, be careful about assuming someone “feels quite inferior” due to your success. It is possible that you are inadvertently giving off an attitude of superiority which is feeding some of the remarks you are getting.

Some successful people want to make it very clear to others that they are so. Others who are successful are much more self-effacing. Be in the second group going forward.
[emphasis added]

THIS was my very first reaction as I read through your post.
It rang all sorts of alarm bells.

I don't think it would ever have occurred to me to use the term "inferior" in this context. Jealous/envious, perhaps. Maybe "unhappy", etc. But "inferior"? nope.
And IF that person did indeed feel "inferior", I do't know how *you* would know that. Would they SAY something like, "Hey, your success makes me feel downright inferior"? If not, then I'd interpret any 'negativity' with the above above words/feelings, or such.

And yes, at least you've learned, and hopefully won't make this mistake again.
My really first reaction, *before* reading your post, was from the title "(Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends")... and that was "how in the world would anyone else even know!?"

RM
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by ResearchMed »

sjl333 wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:08 pm
mariezzz wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:01 pm Why would you define 'success' in terms of salary? Your OP makes it clear you do.
Why would you share salary information with others? It sounds like you're boasting.
Statements like "He makes 80K so I can see why he feels quite inferior whenever he is around me." make it clear that you're the problem in the relationship.
False.

I get along with all of my close colleagues/friends.

He is the only one calling me out and making continuous remarks. I can sense the jealousy and resentment he has towards me, whereas other friends/colleagues are more happy for me then jealous of me.

He is the issue - not me.

I plan to keep my distance from this individual for the time being.

That being said - i do agree - i shouldn't have said anything about my salary - it was semi-boasting in a way, my fault there. But the way he is reacting and acting towards me is unwarranted.

"HE is the issue - not [you]" ?
HE is "the only one"?

Then why did you mention both "colleagues" AND "friends" as plurals?

I think you really need to look a bit deeper here.
And this thread will probably get shut down, as this is more a relationship issue, rather than a finance issue, although obviously the former is at least partly a function of the latter here.

RM
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Dottie57 »

When I broke 100k for salary and received a 19k bonus i ended up telling two friends. I wanted to pay for a nice dinner and drinks after attending a very high end arts and craft show. The only way to convince them to let me do so was i was celebrating friends and a good financial situation. No jealousy and never mentioned by either.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Housedoc »

Many of your friends will forget who you are once you can't help them at work or play. Don't loose sleep over it. Very few true friends are found at the work place.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by H-Town »

sjl333 wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:13 am my biggest mistake was not keeping my mouth shut and letting a couple of people know about my current salary - and it has spread across to everybody.
We all learn lesson the hard way. I say let's move on. You have a great opportunity. Don't waste it. Continue working hard, saving more, and contributing to your community. And do it with your conviction.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by mighty72 »

Well, this is pretty common. If people know or think that you make a lot of money or have a lot then decisions you make will be looked from the lens of money. I have a co-worker who was asking me for investment advise, I told him about a real estate syndication I participated in. Now, once in a while he asks about it in front of others. Lesson learned.
As others have noted, be clear with friends and colleagues that they need to pay for their share and you don't appreciate your salary being discussed. Those who get the message are the ones you want to keep, the rest let go.
Family is harder
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by delamer »

Dottie57 wrote: Mon Aug 05, 2019 12:17 pm When I broke 100k for salary and received a 19k bonus i ended up telling two friends. I wanted to pay for a nice dinner and drinks after attending a very high end arts and craft show. The only way to convince them to let me do so was i was celebrating friends and a good financial situation. No jealousy and never mentioned by either.
I am curious as to whether you said “I just got a raise and a bonus, and I want to take you out to dinner” or “I just passed 6 figures and I got a $19K bonus, and I want to take you out to dinner.”

From my perspective, those are quite different approaches.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Rus In Urbe »

Always practice STEALTH WEALTH.
And, if anyone hits you up for something you don't want to pay for, simply say all your salary is automatically going toward and is tied up in (pick one) your retirement fund, your kids' education fund, paying the mortgage, whatever (and btw, that automatic investing should be the truth!). Their eyes will glaze over and that will be the end of that.

Congrats on the Raises and make good use of them (market is down---sock some away!).
I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money. ~Pablo Picasso
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Arthur Digby Sellers »

sjl333 wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:13 am Most of my close friends are happy for me and they look up to me as their role model.
The first part of this sentence may be true, but I very much doubt the second part. If that is how you perceive your relationships, I think it explains a lot about why you are getting these type of reactions.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Dottie57 »

delamer wrote: Mon Aug 05, 2019 12:54 pm
Dottie57 wrote: Mon Aug 05, 2019 12:17 pm When I broke 100k for salary and received a 19k bonus i ended up telling two friends. I wanted to pay for a nice dinner and drinks after attending a very high end arts and craft show. The only way to convince them to let me do so was i was celebrating friends and a good financial situation. No jealousy and never mentioned by either.
I am curious as to whether you said “I just got a raise and a bonus, and I want to take you out to dinner” or “I just passed 6 figures and I got a $19K bonus, and I want to take you out to dinner.”

From my perspective, those are quite different approaches.
Combo. Started with first ended with second. It took a LOT of convincing and arguing. My life doesn’t look like 6 figures and bonus. I have the smallest, by far least expensive home. An old car at the time. And spendy clothes are not my thing.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by Gnirk »

When I was young, my parents taught me:

Save 10% of your pay.
Never discuss money, politics, or religion with friends.
Don't mix business with friends or relatives; the only business "partner" you need is the bank.
Wait 24 hours before making big decisions.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by beyou »

Boglegrappler wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:16 pm You really have to be careful about who knows what about you and your circumstances. Its not beyond some people to make attempts to harm your career and standing if they are insanely jealous of you. Life is hard enough without having others deciding that somehow bringing you down will make them feel better.

BTW, this applies to family as well. I've seen people jealous of their own children's success, and I think I may have seen people resentful of their parents success (after they are into their own adult life). Throw in-laws into the mix, and you have every reason to keep your personal financial information close to the vest.

Never underestimate the level of envy that can exist out there.
I make it a point to not even tell my parents and sibling my income nor assets.
As I near FIRE, will be hard to keep it a secret that something went "well" once I pull the trigger.
But despite one parent asking me how much I make annually, I tell them "enough to pay my bills".
I watch them spend their retirement savings on things they can live without and then they tell me they may downsize to save money.
To each his own, but I don't need them telling me I should pay for their decisions "because I can afford it".
All I can say is their home looks VERY nice, and they are considering selling it, and my home needs lots of work, but I am not considering downsizing for financial reasons (maybe when my legs don't work well I will downsize to a single floor home/condo).

I never tell friends anything about my income/savings, not at work nor home. There are always people better and worse off than yourself,
no need to compare. I don't want others jealous of me, and I don't need to be jealous of others.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by StandingRock »

Not sure what to tell you. Not sure why you posted this.


I've never told my salary to anyone; just the way I was raised and where I'm from that's pretty much the way things are.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by KyleAAA »

You may be reading too much into those comments.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by mac808 »

I hate to tell you but, it gets even worse as you climb higher up the ladder.

Keep the few friends who are genuinely happy for your success and do pick up the check for them from time to time.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by MichCPA »

sjl333 wrote: Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:08 pm
That being said - i do agree - i shouldn't have said anything about my salary - it was semi-boasting in a way, my fault there. But the way he is reacting and acting towards me is unwarranted.
Maybe unwarranted, but completely expected. There isn't really a humble way to say your income is in the top 2%.

If there are people who you were genuinely close with before you let that out, you should apologize for the humble brag, but don't feel like you need to buy anything for anyone.
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Re: Received Significant Raises in Salary and getting Jealousy from Close Colleagues/Friends

Post by LadyGeek »

This thread has run its course and is locked (relationship issue, contentious). See: Acceptable Topics and Subforum Guidelines
This is an investing and personal finance forum. We also maintain a subforum that allow our members to discuss consumer goods and services and recreational activities. Anything else is considered "Off Topic" and is not acceptable on this forum.
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