Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

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rj342
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by rj342 » Mon Jul 29, 2019 8:17 pm

Foreveryoung75 wrote:
Mon Jul 29, 2019 6:39 pm
A couple things—the vast majority of women are capable of producing enough milk, so those of you that weren’t producing enough, there were likely other factors during the birth process that caused the milk supply issues.
That is exactly my whole point up above -- we DID have those issues, and no one would talk about them honestly as a what if even when DELIBERATELY asked up front about them. So the the zealots left us unprepared... and then were unrealistic when we did have problems.

bluebolt
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by bluebolt » Mon Jul 29, 2019 8:17 pm

Some must knows:

You're going to mess up. You're going to make mistakes. You're going to feel guilty. You're going to feel bad. You're going to feel inadequate.

But you'll get through it.

You'll feel the joy the first time your little one smiles, the first time they laugh, the first time they sit up, the first step they take, the first time they call you mama/dada, the first time they give you a hug, the first time they ask for your help, the first time they say "I love you," and on and on. You'll feel emotions that are unmatched in the human experience.

Sam1
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by Sam1 » Mon Jul 29, 2019 8:43 pm

Here’s a tip. It’s in your best financial interest to be a coparent and not just a dad. Most of my colleagues and friends who quit their jobs to stay home did so for a few reasons. I suspect loving the baby and wanting to spend 100% of their time with them was a major one. But another common theme is that they had spouses who didn’t coparent. They maybe helped when asked but they made it clear that the baby and all it involved was the responsibility of the mom. The mom was overwhelmed and how can she do two jobs? How is that fair? Most of these women were married to men with decent salaries so they gave up and stayed home. Now they are stuck in traditional gender roles and probably won’t ever return to work! Who wants to fight a battle they can’t win?

Try to find specific tasks you can take over once the baby is born. My spouse cooked all of our meals. This helped tremendously because I was breastfeeding a baby who wanted to cluster feed around dinner time. I don’t mean I told him what to make, bought the groceries and then he made dinner. I mean I had absolutely NO involvement with meals. They just showed up. See the difference?

Other new tasks that someone will need to do:

- baby’s laundry
- buying baby clothes and then toddler clothes. Starts out easy but then it gets harder if you live in a location with four seasons. Check out consignment stores!!
- scheduling doctor’s appointments and figuring out the spacing
- overseeing visitors and keeping in-laws in check while mom is recovering (ex: mom can’t prepare food - visitors might expect something)
- feeding the baby (will be easier for you if it’s only mom!)
- possibly washing bottles and pump parts
- possibly freezing and storing milk
- possibly buying formula and researching about which type you want to buy
- buying diapers and wipes and figuring out the sizing. Buying the next size up when it’s time and knowing when that is.
- buying baby gear as the baby gets older (ex high chair, toddler car seat)

I could go on.... it’s helpful to at least have some sort of plan for who does what. It may change over time or even weekly.

I was concerned about returning to work and someone gave me great advice. Just to back for one day. No one can force you to return on day two. Just see what it’s like. Returning to work isn’t a contract to return forever.

My strongest advice would be to have a plan for your wife to work remotely or part time instead of quitting all together. I don’t need to lecture on why it’s bad to completely drop out of the workforce. Part time work can provide financial benefits and not hurt your wife’s career.

arcion
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by arcion » Mon Jul 29, 2019 10:33 pm

Grt2bOutdoors wrote:
Mon Jul 22, 2019 1:38 pm
Bob Sacamano wrote:
Mon Jul 22, 2019 1:18 pm
ponyboy wrote:
Mon Jul 22, 2019 12:39 pm
I would get term life insurance, for both of you.
may i ask where to start with this? it honestly didn't really cross my mind but it does make sense.

do BH's have a favorite company to get LI through?
Term4sale.com or Zander.com

You pick the insurance company out of the list of prices they quote you based on data you fill out.
Don't let anyone try to pin you to the one with higher premiums. AVOID Whole Life Insurance or Variable/Universal Life Insurance. You want pure TERM only. Insurance is insurance, you live you pay premium, you don't they pay your beneficiary. Get a policy on you payable to wife and wife payable to you. Twenty years should be enough to take kid to 1st year of college. Add up all of your known expenses less assets that is what your policy amount should be for. Figure mortgage, any debts, 5 years of living expenses since it will take spouse time to overcome grief, funds for daycare and other things for child. Usually 10-15 times gross income should be sufficient. Don't forget, social security will pay a death benefit to surviving spouse and child (up to age 16-18) - read your social security statement on www.ssa.gov for an estimate of benefit.
Sagicor Life (through term4sale) is substantially cheaper than all others. for me, $1million / 20y is $500/yr through sagicor and $600+ for everybody else.

Is there something fishy here? I did my homework and the company seems all right, other than the fact it operates out of the carribean.

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Stinky
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by Stinky » Tue Jul 30, 2019 3:58 am

arcion wrote:
Mon Jul 29, 2019 10:33 pm

Sagicor Life (through term4sale) is substantially cheaper than all others. for me, $1million / 20y is $500/yr through sagicor and $600+ for everybody else.

Is there something fishy here? I did my homework and the company seems all right, other than the fact it operates out of the carribean.
Sagicor Life Insurance Company, which would issue a term insurance policy in the US, is a subsidiary of Sagicor Financial Corporation. The life insurance company is based in Austin, Texas, so its primary regulator is the Texas Insurance Department. The parent company of Sagicor Life is in the Caribbean, but the issuing company is US-based and regulated.

Sagicor Life reports that they have a rating of A- from AM Best. Even though having a rating with an "A" in it sounds strong, the A- rating from Best is well lower than the ratings for many of the companies that write term insurance, and lower than any company that writes through a site like zander.com, I believe.

I'm surprised that Sagicor is 20+% cheaper than other companies on level term insurance. You might want to check your quotes to make sure that you're doing an apples-to-apples comparison.

I think that the chances that the death benefit would be paid promptly on a 20-year term policy issued by Sagicor are pretty high, and you can buy from them if you want. However, I'd personally restrict my insurance purchases to a company with a rating of "A" from AM Best, and would prefer to buy from a company that is "A+" or "A++".

Arcion, you might want to post your question about Sagicor Life in a separate thread, to see if you get more responses from Bogleheads. You're not likely to get many responses on Sagicor in a thread that was started by someone else having a baby.
It's a GREAT day to be alive - Travis Tritt

Grt2bOutdoors
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by Grt2bOutdoors » Tue Jul 30, 2019 7:13 am

arcion wrote:
Mon Jul 29, 2019 10:33 pm
Grt2bOutdoors wrote:
Mon Jul 22, 2019 1:38 pm
Bob Sacamano wrote:
Mon Jul 22, 2019 1:18 pm
ponyboy wrote:
Mon Jul 22, 2019 12:39 pm
I would get term life insurance, for both of you.
may i ask where to start with this? it honestly didn't really cross my mind but it does make sense.

do BH's have a favorite company to get LI through?
Term4sale.com or Zander.com

You pick the insurance company out of the list of prices they quote you based on data you fill out.
Don't let anyone try to pin you to the one with higher premiums. AVOID Whole Life Insurance or Variable/Universal Life Insurance. You want pure TERM only. Insurance is insurance, you live you pay premium, you don't they pay your beneficiary. Get a policy on you payable to wife and wife payable to you. Twenty years should be enough to take kid to 1st year of college. Add up all of your known expenses less assets that is what your policy amount should be for. Figure mortgage, any debts, 5 years of living expenses since it will take spouse time to overcome grief, funds for daycare and other things for child. Usually 10-15 times gross income should be sufficient. Don't forget, social security will pay a death benefit to surviving spouse and child (up to age 16-18) - read your social security statement on www.ssa.gov for an estimate of benefit.
Sagicor Life (through term4sale) is substantially cheaper than all others. for me, $1million / 20y is $500/yr through sagicor and $600+ for everybody else.

Is there something fishy here? I did my homework and the company seems all right, other than the fact it operates out of the carribean.
It operates out of the Caribbean, and is it regulated to sell insurance in the state you live in? And what is the AM Best rating for it?
"One should invest based on their need, ability and willingness to take risk - Larry Swedroe" Asking Portfolio Questions

Grt2bOutdoors
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Location: New York

Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by Grt2bOutdoors » Tue Jul 30, 2019 7:21 am

Stinky wrote:
Tue Jul 30, 2019 3:58 am
arcion wrote:
Mon Jul 29, 2019 10:33 pm

Sagicor Life (through term4sale) is substantially cheaper than all others. for me, $1million / 20y is $500/yr through sagicor and $600+ for everybody else.

Is there something fishy here? I did my homework and the company seems all right, other than the fact it operates out of the carribean.
Sagicor Life Insurance Company, which would issue a term insurance policy in the US, is a subsidiary of Sagicor Financial Corporation. The life insurance company is based in Austin, Texas, so its primary regulator is the Texas Insurance Department. The parent company of Sagicor Life is in the Caribbean, but the issuing company is US-based and regulated.

Sagicor Life reports that they have a rating of A- from AM Best. Even though having a rating with an "A" in it sounds strong, the A- rating from Best is well lower than the ratings for many of the companies that write term insurance, and lower than any company that writes through a site like zander.com, I believe.

I'm surprised that Sagicor is 20+% cheaper than other companies on level term insurance. You might want to check your quotes to make sure that you're doing an apples-to-apples comparison.

I think that the chances that the death benefit would be paid promptly on a 20-year term policy issued by Sagicor are pretty high, and you can buy from them if you want. However, I'd personally restrict my insurance purchases to a company with a rating of "A" from AM Best, and would prefer to buy from a company that is "A+" or "A++".

Arcion, you might want to post your question about Sagicor Life in a separate thread, to see if you get more responses from Bogleheads. You're not likely to get many responses on Sagicor in a thread that was started by someone else having a baby.
Don’t be alarmed by an A- rating. You could buy your policy with an A+ or A++ or even an A rating, be in year 5 of the policy and now the company is rated A-. The point is, ratings like your own personal credit score can and do change over time but usually does not indicate or show that the claims or bill paying ability of the company is significantly impaired. I hold an A- rated policy, I lose no sleep over the ability to collect. The biggest fear the life Insurance industry has is loss of public trust, if the public doesn’t believe their claims will be paid, long before the insurance company goes bust, the state regulators will step in and take action. We saw that with AIG in 2009 during financial crisis.
"One should invest based on their need, ability and willingness to take risk - Larry Swedroe" Asking Portfolio Questions

runner540
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by runner540 » Tue Jul 30, 2019 10:25 am

Bob Sacamano wrote:
Mon Jul 29, 2019 5:38 pm
had a chance to review our healthcare benefits.

there is no charge for prenatal and postnatal care with an in-network provider

there is a $100 copay/admission for delivery and all inpatient services

there is a $100 copay/admission for facility fee (hospital stay) (not entirely sure if this would be lumped into the above fee or not)

i presume these are relatively solid benefits?

the additional benefit she has access to is what they call the "flex plan" which allows her to deduct pretax monies for unreimbursed medical expenses (which, as per above, should be relatively little?) or dependent daycare expenses.

here is the FSA info: https://www.wageworks.com/employees/sup ... ses-table/

and the DCFSA info: https://www.wageworks.com/employees/sup ... ses-table/


thanks all for the assistance thus far - quite valuable!!
Yes those seem solid. But be ready of surprises - in my plan ultrasounds are subject to deductible amd separate from the office visit. What about anesthesiologist at the hospital (could be out of network even if facility is in network!). Etc...

hoffse
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by hoffse » Tue Jul 30, 2019 11:47 am

runner540 wrote:
Tue Jul 30, 2019 10:25 am
Bob Sacamano wrote:
Mon Jul 29, 2019 5:38 pm
had a chance to review our healthcare benefits.

there is no charge for prenatal and postnatal care with an in-network provider

there is a $100 copay/admission for delivery and all inpatient services

there is a $100 copay/admission for facility fee (hospital stay) (not entirely sure if this would be lumped into the above fee or not)

i presume these are relatively solid benefits?

the additional benefit she has access to is what they call the "flex plan" which allows her to deduct pretax monies for unreimbursed medical expenses (which, as per above, should be relatively little?) or dependent daycare expenses.

here is the FSA info: https://www.wageworks.com/employees/sup ... ses-table/

and the DCFSA info: https://www.wageworks.com/employees/sup ... ses-table/


thanks all for the assistance thus far - quite valuable!!
Yes those seem solid. But be ready of surprises - in my plan ultrasounds are subject to deductible amd separate from the office visit. What about anesthesiologist at the hospital (could be out of network even if facility is in network!). Etc...
Agreed, those are good benefits. However, be prepared for multiple bills from multiple doctors. Baby may even get his/her own bill. My hospital global billed almost everything under me. However, baby had separate bills for his in-hospital pediatrician visits and his hearing test. I also had a separate bill from the anesthesiologist - who actually beat everybody else to the billing clock and billed me within 3 days of sticking me, so he drained my HRA. It was $1,000 for an epidural that took less than 10 minutes, by the way. I'm still slightly numb where he stuck me, and it's been 18 months.

I also had a separate bill from my OB, even though she works in the hospital where I delivered.

So I had: OB bill, anesthesiologist bill, hospital bill, baby ped bill, baby hearing test bill. And that was still considered "global." I had a normal birth (no C-section) with 2-day stay, and my insurance paid over $14K all in. I ponied up about $2K, on top of the $1K HRA to that anesthesiologist. That's what my plan provided for though.

I then had a year of physical therapy to recover from the actual childbirth process - turns out the epidural worked a little TOO well, and I could not feel all the bad things happening to my hips while baby was coming out, so I could not walk after birth.... The only good thing about that is I had hit my out of pocket max with the birth, so my PT was fully covered.

With respect to baby, all of his well-baby visits and vaccinations were covered 100%. However, he lasted exactly 3 days at daycare before getting sick for the first time, and we had a sick visit to his ped almost every month for that first year. Those were $100/pop. My husband also got sick pretty often and is now looking at having sinus surgery. Then when baby was 6 months old he had a very weird thing happen where his ped thought he was having seizures, and they admitted him to the children's hospital for monitoring. That was an additional $1400 from our pocket, because we had not hit the out of pocket max on him yet (since most of his hospital bills were attributed to me).

Not trying to scare you with this, but just point out that you need to be ready to pay. Instead of looking at your benefits individually, I suggest making sure you can pay your out of pocket max for your entire family, and then just be pleasantly surprised if it happens to be less. Right after birth is such a fragile time, and you guys are not going to want to be fighting with the hospital or your insurance over $100 here and $100 there.

oldfatguy
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by oldfatguy » Tue Jul 30, 2019 11:51 am

livesoft wrote:
Mon Jul 22, 2019 1:40 pm
Many people will offer well-meaning advice. You can ignore most of it.
This post should be pinned to the top of every thread.

RJC
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by RJC » Tue Jul 30, 2019 11:54 am

Sign up for the Baby Center emails. Each week you will get an email of what to expect, milestones, tips, etc. Very helpful for in-between doctor visits.

https://www.babycenter.com/

Grt2bOutdoors
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by Grt2bOutdoors » Tue Jul 30, 2019 12:04 pm

oldfatguy wrote:
Tue Jul 30, 2019 11:51 am
livesoft wrote:
Mon Jul 22, 2019 1:40 pm
Many people will offer well-meaning advice. You can ignore most of it.
This post should be pinned to the top of every thread.
LOL!
"One should invest based on their need, ability and willingness to take risk - Larry Swedroe" Asking Portfolio Questions

hoffse
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by hoffse » Tue Jul 30, 2019 12:09 pm

Sam1 wrote:
Mon Jul 29, 2019 8:43 pm
Here’s a tip. It’s in your best financial interest to be a coparent and not just a dad. Most of my colleagues and friends who quit their jobs to stay home did so for a few reasons. I suspect loving the baby and wanting to spend 100% of their time with them was a major one. But another common theme is that they had spouses who didn’t coparent. They maybe helped when asked but they made it clear that the baby and all it involved was the responsibility of the mom. The mom was overwhelmed and how can she do two jobs? How is that fair? Most of these women were married to men with decent salaries so they gave up and stayed home. Now they are stuck in traditional gender roles and probably won’t ever return to work! Who wants to fight a battle they can’t win?

Try to find specific tasks you can take over once the baby is born. My spouse cooked all of our meals. This helped tremendously because I was breastfeeding a baby who wanted to cluster feed around dinner time. I don’t mean I told him what to make, bought the groceries and then he made dinner. I mean I had absolutely NO involvement with meals. They just showed up. See the difference?

Other new tasks that someone will need to do:

- baby’s laundry
- buying baby clothes and then toddler clothes. Starts out easy but then it gets harder if you live in a location with four seasons. Check out consignment stores!!
- scheduling doctor’s appointments and figuring out the spacing
- overseeing visitors and keeping in-laws in check while mom is recovering (ex: mom can’t prepare food - visitors might expect something)
- feeding the baby (will be easier for you if it’s only mom!)
- possibly washing bottles and pump parts
- possibly freezing and storing milk
- possibly buying formula and researching about which type you want to buy
- buying diapers and wipes and figuring out the sizing. Buying the next size up when it’s time and knowing when that is.
- buying baby gear as the baby gets older (ex high chair, toddler car seat)

I could go on.... it’s helpful to at least have some sort of plan for who does what. It may change over time or even weekly.

I was concerned about returning to work and someone gave me great advice. Just to back for one day. No one can force you to return on day two. Just see what it’s like. Returning to work isn’t a contract to return forever.

My strongest advice would be to have a plan for your wife to work remotely or part time instead of quitting all together. I don’t need to lecture on why it’s bad to completely drop out of the workforce. Part time work can provide financial benefits and not hurt your wife’s career.
This is the best advice on this whole thread. Unless your wife has a strong desire to stay home - and no judgment if she does - you guys are likely to come out way ahead (financially) if she keeps working. Learn to co-parent together so that you guys can split tasks and duties, especially if mom is nursing and has to do 100% of the feeding. Nursing is a huge job, because exclusively breastfed babies feed 7-12 times per day for their entire first year. Each feed can last 30-60 minutes when they are tiny, so mom might be nursing for 30 minutes, break for 90, nursing for 30, break for 90 all around the clock for several weeks. As babies get older they start to drop night feeds, but mom might still be waking up 2-3 times per night for several months to keep nursing. My son did not fully night wean until 8 months old. He didn't drop any day feeds until closer to 12 months, and I was nursing 3x per day at home and sending 4 bottles to school each day when he turned a year old. He was also eating 4 solid meals a day by then.

So it helps a ton if dad steps up and takes on other household tasks without having to ask for directions from mom about how to do that designated chore. My husband plans and cooks most of our meals. He also took over bath time and did a lot of laundry. A LOT of laundry. We were running 3-4 loads a day as a newborn. I could not hold baby to feed him and fold clothes at the same time, so my husband took over that job.

Sam1
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by Sam1 » Tue Jul 30, 2019 12:25 pm

hoffse wrote:
Tue Jul 30, 2019 12:09 pm
Sam1 wrote:
Mon Jul 29, 2019 8:43 pm
Here’s a tip. It’s in your best financial interest to be a coparent and not just a dad. Most of my colleagues and friends who quit their jobs to stay home did so for a few reasons. I suspect loving the baby and wanting to spend 100% of their time with them was a major one. But another common theme is that they had spouses who didn’t coparent. They maybe helped when asked but they made it clear that the baby and all it involved was the responsibility of the mom. The mom was overwhelmed and how can she do two jobs? How is that fair? Most of these women were married to men with decent salaries so they gave up and stayed home. Now they are stuck in traditional gender roles and probably won’t ever return to work! Who wants to fight a battle they can’t win?

Try to find specific tasks you can take over once the baby is born. My spouse cooked all of our meals. This helped tremendously because I was breastfeeding a baby who wanted to cluster feed around dinner time. I don’t mean I told him what to make, bought the groceries and then he made dinner. I mean I had absolutely NO involvement with meals. They just showed up. See the difference?

Other new tasks that someone will need to do:

- baby’s laundry
- buying baby clothes and then toddler clothes. Starts out easy but then it gets harder if you live in a location with four seasons. Check out consignment stores!!
- scheduling doctor’s appointments and figuring out the spacing
- overseeing visitors and keeping in-laws in check while mom is recovering (ex: mom can’t prepare food - visitors might expect something)
- feeding the baby (will be easier for you if it’s only mom!)
- possibly washing bottles and pump parts
- possibly freezing and storing milk
- possibly buying formula and researching about which type you want to buy
- buying diapers and wipes and figuring out the sizing. Buying the next size up when it’s time and knowing when that is.
- buying baby gear as the baby gets older (ex high chair, toddler car seat)

I could go on.... it’s helpful to at least have some sort of plan for who does what. It may change over time or even weekly.

I was concerned about returning to work and someone gave me great advice. Just to back for one day. No one can force you to return on day two. Just see what it’s like. Returning to work isn’t a contract to return forever.

My strongest advice would be to have a plan for your wife to work remotely or part time instead of quitting all together. I don’t need to lecture on why it’s bad to completely drop out of the workforce. Part time work can provide financial benefits and not hurt your wife’s career.
This is the best advice on this whole thread. Unless your wife has a strong desire to stay home - and no judgment if she does - you guys are likely to come out way ahead (financially) if she keeps working. Learn to co-parent together so that you guys can split tasks and duties, especially if mom is nursing and has to do 100% of the feeding. Nursing is a huge job, because exclusively breastfed babies feed 7-12 times per day for their entire first year. Each feed can last 30-60 minutes when they are tiny, so mom might be nursing for 30 minutes, break for 90, nursing for 30, break for 90 all around the clock for several weeks. As babies get older they start to drop night feeds, but mom might still be waking up 2-3 times per night for several months to keep nursing. My son did not fully night wean until 8 months old. He didn't drop any day feeds until closer to 12 months, and I was nursing 3x per day at home and sending 4 bottles to school each day when he turned a year old. He was also eating 4 solid meals a day by then.

So it helps a ton if dad steps up and takes on other household tasks without having to ask for directions from mom about how to do that designated chore. My husband plans and cooks most of our meals. He also took over bath time and did a lot of laundry. A LOT of laundry. We were running 3-4 loads a day as a newborn. I could not hold baby to feed him and fold clothes at the same time, so my husband took over that job.
Agree. My husband and I are getting ahead financially by both of us being partners who work. My husband being a true partner allows us to invest an extra $100k plus per year. It seems rather foolish for a man to not coparent at home, have this cause his wife to stay home, and then the family loses out on an entire income! I suspect that many of these men don’t really know that their lack of involvement caused their wife to stay home. Many of my friends blame being a SAHM on the childcare costs or other matters. However from early on these men didn’t act as coparents. I realize some families prefer traditional gender roles and that is fine. I’m merely supporting coparenting for financial reasons for purposes of this board.

Most of the previous responses are by men and valuable, yes. However, you should pay extra close attention to the two female posts explaining to you the financial benefit of coparenting.

We are a team. We both contribute with housework and both contribute financially. Because he is a true partner I don’t resent him and our marriage is stronger than prekids. We are building wealth and a family together.

brianH
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by brianH » Tue Jul 30, 2019 3:08 pm

Only buy pajamas that have zippers.

Every time I'm fumbling to snap the 6+ snaps on my son's (8 mo) PJs, in a dim room, as he flails around and screams because he wants me to finish and give him a bottle, I curse what a poor engineering decision snaps on Pjs are.

Afty
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by Afty » Tue Jul 30, 2019 4:26 pm

A thought on co-parenting: it can be difficult for the primary parent to give up control when the other parent is supposed to be in charge. If you really want this to work, you have to make peace with the fact that the other parent is not going to do everything exactly how you would do it. My wife and I have an agreement that when one of us is home alone with the kids (e.g. so the other parent can travel for work, work a weekend, etc.), the parent at home gets to make the rules and do whatever they want with the kids. This empowers both parents be a complete parent to the children and partner to their spouse.

bluebolt
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by bluebolt » Wed Jul 31, 2019 9:07 am

Afty wrote:
Tue Jul 30, 2019 4:26 pm
A thought on co-parenting: it can be difficult for the primary parent to give up control when the other parent is supposed to be in charge. If you really want this to work, you have to make peace with the fact that the other parent is not going to do everything exactly how you would do it. My wife and I have an agreement that when one of us is home alone with the kids (e.g. so the other parent can travel for work, work a weekend, etc.), the parent at home gets to make the rules and do whatever they want with the kids. This empowers both parents be a complete parent to the children and partner to their spouse.
Could you share an area where the two of you approach some aspect of parenting differently and how that plays out?

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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by dm200 » Wed Jul 31, 2019 1:30 pm

My observation and my conclusion:

We have one son. I have one brother and my wife has two sisters - no brother.

While our son was, at times, very difficult - it was often the case that the kinds of rotten things he would do when very young (and sometimes not so young) were very "typical" of the rotten things many or most boys tend to do. When he would do those things, my wife would fly off the handle. Then, when I would try to explain this to her - she would fly off the handle at me!

I concluded that, having only sisters, she misinterpreted many of the rotten things little boys tend to do.

I suppose there are some rotten things that little girls tend to do as well.

minerlax4
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by minerlax4 » Wed Jul 31, 2019 1:48 pm

brianH wrote:
Tue Jul 30, 2019 3:08 pm
Only buy pajamas that have zippers.

Every time I'm fumbling to snap the 6+ snaps on my son's (8 mo) PJs, in a dim room, as he flails around and screams because he wants me to finish and give him a bottle, I curse what a poor engineering decision snaps on Pjs are.
This is also on my list of things I tell people who are expecting. Snaps are awful. It's infuriating when you get to the last snap and realize you misaligned them.

The other I always mention is to sort out how you're going to store your photos and videos. I have two external hard drives and auto-back up our phones to both amazon drive and google. Amazon photo has a nice feature where it pops up all the photos and videos you've taken on that day in previous years. So now that my kids are 7 and 5, I have a bunch of photos pop up on my phone every day. It's a nice daily nostalgia bomb. I also tell people to take more videos than photos because the language development is really fun to see when looking back at them.

Afty
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by Afty » Wed Jul 31, 2019 4:23 pm

bluebolt wrote:
Wed Jul 31, 2019 9:07 am
Afty wrote:
Tue Jul 30, 2019 4:26 pm
A thought on co-parenting: it can be difficult for the primary parent to give up control when the other parent is supposed to be in charge. If you really want this to work, you have to make peace with the fact that the other parent is not going to do everything exactly how you would do it. My wife and I have an agreement that when one of us is home alone with the kids (e.g. so the other parent can travel for work, work a weekend, etc.), the parent at home gets to make the rules and do whatever they want with the kids. This empowers both parents be a complete parent to the children and partner to their spouse.
Could you share an area where the two of you approach some aspect of parenting differently and how that plays out?
I can give some small examples. Larger differences need to be discussed by both parents and and the approach agreed upon.

Snacking: I don't like the kids to snack close to mealtime. I feel it ruins their appetite and then they don't eat more substantive dinner food. My wife doesn't mind them snacking as long as the snacks are healthy.

Tidying up: The kids leave toys and books all over the floor in their room. I personally couldn't care less since it's their room. It really bothers my wife though. When it is just me with the kids, I don't bug them over it. But when my wife is in charge, she makes them clean it every night before they go to bed.

Cleanliness: When it comes to actually being clean as opposed to tidying up, I do care and I care more than my wife does. I make the kids shower every day, especially if they have been outside a lot, gone swimming, etc. I make them wash their hands before eating. I wash their water bottles and such every day. My wife is less picky about these things.

The above examples are pretty minor, and that's intentional. People have a tendency to nitpick others when they don't do things exactly as they would do it, even when it's really not that important a matter. Sometimes you have to give up control and let the other parent do things the way they want.

An example of a larger matter that we disagreed on that you should *not* decide without the other parent's agreement: sleep training. I disagreed with the idea of cry-it-out sleep training and wanted to try some form of non-cry-it-out sleep training, and if it didn't work continue to wake up with the kids overnight. My wife was much more affected by the lack of sleep and felt cry-it-out was the best solution. We compromised in that we first tried a non-cry-it-out method of my choice, and when that didn't work (as she expected) we agreed to letting the kids cry it out.

bluebolt
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by bluebolt » Wed Jul 31, 2019 5:55 pm

Afty wrote:
Wed Jul 31, 2019 4:23 pm
bluebolt wrote:
Wed Jul 31, 2019 9:07 am
Afty wrote:
Tue Jul 30, 2019 4:26 pm
A thought on co-parenting: it can be difficult for the primary parent to give up control when the other parent is supposed to be in charge. If you really want this to work, you have to make peace with the fact that the other parent is not going to do everything exactly how you would do it. My wife and I have an agreement that when one of us is home alone with the kids (e.g. so the other parent can travel for work, work a weekend, etc.), the parent at home gets to make the rules and do whatever they want with the kids. This empowers both parents be a complete parent to the children and partner to their spouse.
Could you share an area where the two of you approach some aspect of parenting differently and how that plays out?
I can give some small examples. Larger differences need to be discussed by both parents and and the approach agreed upon.

Snacking: I don't like the kids to snack close to mealtime. I feel it ruins their appetite and then they don't eat more substantive dinner food. My wife doesn't mind them snacking as long as the snacks are healthy.

Tidying up: The kids leave toys and books all over the floor in their room. I personally couldn't care less since it's their room. It really bothers my wife though. When it is just me with the kids, I don't bug them over it. But when my wife is in charge, she makes them clean it every night before they go to bed.

Cleanliness: When it comes to actually being clean as opposed to tidying up, I do care and I care more than my wife does. I make the kids shower every day, especially if they have been outside a lot, gone swimming, etc. I make them wash their hands before eating. I wash their water bottles and such every day. My wife is less picky about these things.

The above examples are pretty minor, and that's intentional. People have a tendency to nitpick others when they don't do things exactly as they would do it, even when it's really not that important a matter. Sometimes you have to give up control and let the other parent do things the way they want.

An example of a larger matter that we disagreed on that you should *not* decide without the other parent's agreement: sleep training. I disagreed with the idea of cry-it-out sleep training and wanted to try some form of non-cry-it-out sleep training, and if it didn't work continue to wake up with the kids overnight. My wife was much more affected by the lack of sleep and felt cry-it-out was the best solution. We compromised in that we first tried a non-cry-it-out method of my choice, and when that didn't work (as she expected) we agreed to letting the kids cry it out.
Super helpful. Thanks for sharing.

basspond
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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by basspond » Wed Jul 31, 2019 11:34 pm

Wear boxers
Get off birth control for several cycles before attempting

Good luck.

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Re: Wife (teacher) and I are trying for a baby. What are some "must-knows" and other tips?

Post by abuss368 » Thu Aug 01, 2019 12:03 am

Life changes for the better!
John C. Bogle: "You simply do not need to put your money into 8 different mutual funds!"

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