Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

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FIREchief
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by FIREchief » Fri Jul 12, 2019 12:49 pm

delamer wrote:
Fri Jul 12, 2019 9:20 am
FIREchief wrote:
Fri Jul 12, 2019 12:29 am
sleepwell wrote:
Thu Jul 11, 2019 8:05 pm
I find this topic to be of huge interest as I have been the one in my extended family designated to take charge of bits of family history. I don't view these items as a burden but I don't want to leave them for my kids to sort through, either. I have postcards and letters which my grandfather wrote to my grandmother during WWI. I have my grandmother's HS diploma which is over 100 years old and other similar documents. I have baptismal dresses which belonged to my aunts (who are now deceased) and two of my mother's baby dresses which are probably 95 years old. Of course there are old books, old china, old glassware, photos, etc.

While I am not concerned with the old china and glassware, does anyone have suggestions on what to do with some of the other items? I don't know that my adult children want them but I hate to toss things like the diplomas and baptismal records.

Thanks.

Sleepwell
I'll place the first vote for "toss them." Granted, I may not be the most sentimental guy, but those things will eventually be tossed and it's just a matter of when. I'm sure I have my own high school and college diplomas somewhere, but they may be tossed in the next iteration of decluttering. Sure, I worked really hard for four years for that college STEM degree. Does that paper bring me any joy/pleasure/happiness? Or, just PTSD? At the end of the day, there just isn't much of this kind of "stuff" that will ever be used for anything.
If I am at all on the fence about tossing something , the first question that I ask myself is “Is there any chance my kids will want these?”

And the answer is always no.
Bingo!! And if we're crazy enough to think that our kids want our "treasures," it's always a good data point to just ask them. Not "hey DD, you certainly will want my praised beanie baby collection when I pass, won't you?" More like, "hey DD, I'm not sure I want to keep this stuff around anymore; do you want me to save any of it for you?" Best scenario is they want it and will take it home with them that same day! Yeah, I'm dreaming. If it ain't cash or easily converted to cash, they probably won't want it.

I recently decluttered our way out of a five bedroom house and into a two bedroom apartment. Really hard work. It's left me highly committed to avoid future clutter accumulation. I'm also planning to do periodic sweeps of what we kept to look for more opportunities to get rid of crap. It's out there, I just have to do it.
I am not a lawyer, accountant or financial advisor. Any advice or suggestions that I may provide shall be considered for entertainment purposes only.

Moneta
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by Moneta » Fri Jul 12, 2019 2:50 pm

This is a much smaller gift, but a few years ago my dad gave me his old car since he was getting a new one. I did not actually want his old car, for several reasons.

First, it was a huge boat of a Buick and I live in a small, cramped city where parking is tight. Second, I like *my* car, the one I chose to buy. Third, this Buick's gas mileage was pretty bad. Fourth, it just seemed like a patronizing thing for my dad to do, like he knew better than I do about what car I should be driving. And fifth, having to pay the additional costs associated with a second car - ugh!

But my dad comes from the Midwest, where any car older than 5 years is tottering towards the junkyard due to salt corrosion, and he couldn't believe that my 10+ year old car was still OK to drive.

To keep the peace, I accepted the car. I had to pay to transfer the title and registration, get the emissions tested, insure it, and purchase tabs. I parked it next to my own, with the intention of driving it "regularly..." You can guess what happened next. Over a year passed and I only used it a few times. Finally, it would no longer start. I ended up donating it to my local classical music station; they sent a flat bed truck to haul it away, and I got a tax receipt saying it sold as scrap for less than $500.

I still feel kind of guilty that I didn't use my dad's gift, which he gave me out of love and concern. It's just that I really didn't want the car in the first place and felt resentful about being saddled with it.

NotWhoYouThink
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by NotWhoYouThink » Fri Jul 12, 2019 5:24 pm

But my dad comes from the Midwest, where any car older than 5 years is tottering towards the junkyard due to salt corrosion, and he couldn't believe that my 10+ year old car was still OK to drive.


Sounds like your dad is still living in the 70s. That's not how cars work any more. My mom is a little sad that no one in the family wants her perfectly good low mileage car, but she will be able to sell it for a good price.

My in-laws were borderline hoarders, and when they ran out of room would try "hoarding by proxy." I always said thank you but no. My SIL would promise to take it to her daughter's house, but somehow none of it got that far.

We have a church rummage sale every year, and the main benefit is that the older members of the church can give their treasures away to raise money for charity (all proceeds go to local nonprofits) instead of leaving it around for their kids to deal with. That and sometimes you find something cool and useful, like a spurtle.

sleepwell
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by sleepwell » Fri Jul 12, 2019 7:12 pm

Thanks to all for the suggestions about how to find homes for some family diplomas, letters, photos, etc., that are over 100 years old. I will do some research into historical societies and churches/colleges to see if any of those might be interested in my items (and yes, I will offer some money if they do). If I have no luck, then in a couple more years I will toss the remainder. I can't quite bring myself to do that yet.

Sleepwell

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CAsage
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by CAsage » Fri Jul 12, 2019 7:25 pm

NotWhoYouThink wrote:
Fri Jul 12, 2019 5:24 pm
My in-laws were borderline hoarders, and when they ran out of room would try "hoarding by proxy."
I love that phrase, "hoarding by proxy". Far too often, our older relatives curse us with their clutter. Took me 2 months, including paying rent, to clear out my parent's apartment. Most of the discussion above about getting rid of as much as you can, today, this year, are right on spot. I asked my beloved child how many pictures of Mom & Dad should I save ... the answer was 2. Not 2 hundred. We all have way too much stuff. Scan the family documents for a genealogy buff, toss the old tchotckes, donate the 30 coffee mugs now so someone else can use them.
Salvia Clevelandii "Winifred Gilman" my favorite. YMMV; not a professional advisor.

IowaFarmBoy
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by IowaFarmBoy » Fri Jul 12, 2019 7:31 pm

I have two thoughts:
1) When I watch Antiques Roadshow, I see families bringing in items that belonged to some great...great grandfather that have now become an "heirloom". Things like old military uniforms, pictures, etc.,- not something like a Chippendale chair. They are so far removed from the person that there can't be a personal connection to the item unless it meant something to their parents or grandparents and then the connection is really to them. I've resolved to get rid of those kind of "heirlooms" before they become a burden and disposing of them becomes impossible- "I can't believe you gave away great.....great grandfathers moth-eaten uniform."

2) My MIL bought a moderate amount of original artwork, paying a few thousand per painting. We've inherited a lot of that- some of which we like and some of which we really don't care for. She spent enough we hate to give it away in the hope it will someday be worth something but it currently isn't worth much. And in the meantime we are paying to insure it. Makes me think maybe we should drop the insurance on the stuff without current value....

tim1999
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by tim1999 » Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:15 pm

I was an acquaintance of a woman whose father was a bottom-feeding real estate "investor" who bought undersized/oddly shaped/landlocked/contaminated/located on the side of a cliff/generally worthless vacant land at tax sales, all of which was unbuildable, thinking he knew something that everybody else didn't and would be able to cash in on it. Weird properties. One was a piece that was 2 feet wide and 100 feet long that ran between two residential lots owned by different people. Another was literally a former superfund site that could never be built on ever due to governmental restrictions. One was a 20x40 landlocked remnant left over from when a new interstate went through and split a property that you had to trespass a half mile off a paved road to get to.

She inherited literally hundreds of these properties when he died. It was a record-keeping nightmare even figuring out what exactly he owned, not to mention hundreds of tax bills, constant citations from municipalities for overgrown weeds/grass, etc.

She was able to sell one lot to a builder for $10,000 to resolve an access issue the builder had with some other lots. Maybe a dozen more she was able to get $250-$1,000 each for after sending letters to adjoining owners to see if they were interested in. The rest (100+) she just let go back to tax sale as they were truly worthless. This all took years (10?) and a lot of her time to play out. Overall she lost money on the whole thing as the proceeds didn't offset what she had paid in property taxes (before she stopped paying them).

sutemi
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by sutemi » Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:45 pm

I tried to pre-empt this, my mother inherited 1/4 of a cabin on a river and some land with her siblings. It was purchased by my grandparents and they hoped to keep it in the family. Right now it is split between some of the children and some grandchildren. I live half the country away, persuaded her to change the will giving it only to my other sibling rather than splitting it. I'm one of 18 grandchildren, don't need to split a cabin with them all!

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dmcmahon
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by dmcmahon » Fri Jul 12, 2019 10:15 pm

Carefreeap wrote:
Thu Jul 11, 2019 12:29 pm
My mother died in 2008 nearly $400k in debt; about $300k upside down on her home, $60k in cc debt $40k in unpaid Federal taxes. It took a while but I was able to clean it up, working with her home lender, told the ccs they wouldn't get paid and the Fed debt was so old that it actually expired while I was settling the estate. I sold her home in 2017 and grossed about $300k in profit.
I have to admit a smile reading this - talk about dying while spending your last nickel! Kudos to your mom for outdoing even that!

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leeks
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by leeks » Fri Jul 12, 2019 10:30 pm

A relative has specified in a will that I will inherit a collection of guns. Not documented in the will - but per explicit instructions - I would have to sell them and give the proceeds (minus any of my own costs) to another relative who is not named in the will. But these include weapons for which it would be illegal for me to possess or transport as I have no permits (also dangerous as I have no training). Also I am supposed to remember the codes to the safes and how to open them - I tried it once and it was harder than I would have expected. Clearly I am encouraging said relative to *please please please* just sell the guns before dying! They are in a house I would also inherit so I'm not sure there would be a way to disclaim them, and I'm the executor so transporting them would probably be on me to figure out even if they went to someone else. If it happens as planned I will consider it an extremely annoying burden.

I'm sure there are some Bogleheads with firearms, please don't leave them to someone who wouldn't know what to do with them!

delamer
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by delamer » Sat Jul 13, 2019 9:54 am

leeks wrote:
Fri Jul 12, 2019 10:30 pm
A relative has specified in a will that I will inherit a collection of guns. Not documented in the will - but per explicit instructions - I would have to sell them and give the proceeds (minus any of my own costs) to another relative who is not named in the will. But these include weapons for which it would be illegal for me to possess or transport as I have no permits (also dangerous as I have no training). Also I am supposed to remember the codes to the safes and how to open them - I tried it once and it was harder than I would have expected. Clearly I am encouraging said relative to *please please please* just sell the guns before dying! They are in a house I would also inherit so I'm not sure there would be a way to disclaim them, and I'm the executor so transporting them would probably be on me to figure out even if they went to someone else. If it happens as planned I will consider it an extremely annoying burden.

I'm sure there are some Bogleheads with firearms, please don't leave them to someone who wouldn't know what to do with them!
Maybe you could persuade the local police department to confiscate them?

Carefreeap
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by Carefreeap » Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:14 am

dmcmahon wrote:
Fri Jul 12, 2019 10:15 pm
Carefreeap wrote:
Thu Jul 11, 2019 12:29 pm
My mother died in 2008 nearly $400k in debt; about $300k upside down on her home, $60k in cc debt $40k in unpaid Federal taxes. It took a while but I was able to clean it up, working with her home lender, told the ccs they wouldn't get paid and the Fed debt was so old that it actually expired while I was settling the estate. I sold her home in 2017 and grossed about $300k in profit.
I have to admit a smile reading this - talk about dying while spending your last nickel! Kudos to your mom for outdoing even that!
As someone stuck cleaning up the mess I was horrified and embarrassed. It was months and months of dealing with her lender and collection agencies. Other family members were also being contacted by the collection agencies.

I never expected to inherit anything from my parents but sure didn't appreciate getting dumped on. I can't imagine being so irresponsible and selfish.

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FIREchief
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by FIREchief » Sat Jul 13, 2019 3:06 pm

leeks wrote:
Fri Jul 12, 2019 10:30 pm
A relative has specified in a will that I will inherit a collection of guns. Not documented in the will - but per explicit instructions - I would have to sell them and give the proceeds (minus any of my own costs) to another relative who is not named in the will. But these include weapons for which it would be illegal for me to possess or transport as I have no permits (also dangerous as I have no training). Also I am supposed to remember the codes to the safes and how to open them - I tried it once and it was harder than I would have expected. Clearly I am encouraging said relative to *please please please* just sell the guns before dying!

They are in a house I would also inherit so I'm not sure there would be a way to disclaim them, and I'm the executor so transporting them would probably be on me to figure out even if they went to someone else. If it happens as planned I will consider it an extremely annoying burden.
You may be named/nominated executor, but you're not actually the executor until you petition the courts and are so appointed. You always have the option of not accepting the role and letting somebody else or the state sort things out. Either way, you'll still be entitled to the proceeds from the house sale. (see my signature)

If I were in your situation, I would tell the relative that you have no intention of accepting the role of executor unless this stuff is sorted out while he/she is still alive.
I am not a lawyer, accountant or financial advisor. Any advice or suggestions that I may provide shall be considered for entertainment purposes only.

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FIREchief
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by FIREchief » Sat Jul 13, 2019 3:08 pm

Carefreeap wrote:
Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:14 am
dmcmahon wrote:
Fri Jul 12, 2019 10:15 pm
Carefreeap wrote:
Thu Jul 11, 2019 12:29 pm
My mother died in 2008 nearly $400k in debt; about $300k upside down on her home, $60k in cc debt $40k in unpaid Federal taxes. It took a while but I was able to clean it up, working with her home lender, told the ccs they wouldn't get paid and the Fed debt was so old that it actually expired while I was settling the estate. I sold her home in 2017 and grossed about $300k in profit.
I have to admit a smile reading this - talk about dying while spending your last nickel! Kudos to your mom for outdoing even that!
As someone stuck cleaning up the mess I was horrified and embarrassed. It was months and months of dealing with her lender and collection agencies. Other family members were also being contacted by the collection agencies.

I never expected to inherit anything from my parents but sure didn't appreciate getting dumped on. I can't imagine being so irresponsible and selfish.
I'm curious.... Why did you feel the responsibility to do anything with the "mess" back in 2008?
I am not a lawyer, accountant or financial advisor. Any advice or suggestions that I may provide shall be considered for entertainment purposes only.

Carefreeap
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by Carefreeap » Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:21 pm

FIREchief wrote:
Sat Jul 13, 2019 3:08 pm
Carefreeap wrote:
Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:14 am
dmcmahon wrote:
Fri Jul 12, 2019 10:15 pm
Carefreeap wrote:
Thu Jul 11, 2019 12:29 pm
My mother died in 2008 nearly $400k in debt; about $300k upside down on her home, $60k in cc debt $40k in unpaid Federal taxes. It took a while but I was able to clean it up, working with her home lender, told the ccs they wouldn't get paid and the Fed debt was so old that it actually expired while I was settling the estate. I sold her home in 2017 and grossed about $300k in profit.
I have to admit a smile reading this - talk about dying while spending your last nickel! Kudos to your mom for outdoing even that!
As someone stuck cleaning up the mess I was horrified and embarrassed. It was months and months of dealing with her lender and collection agencies. Other family members were also being contacted by the collection agencies.

I never expected to inherit anything from my parents but sure didn't appreciate getting dumped on. I can't imagine being so irresponsible and selfish.
I'm curious.... Why did you feel the responsibility to do anything with the "mess" back in 2008?
I was the Trustee and Executor. My mother died rather quickly; from diagnosis to death was 41 days. She died 5 days after her 70th birthday. I was her caregiver for most of that time.

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FIREchief
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by FIREchief » Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:27 pm

Carefreeap wrote:
Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:21 pm
FIREchief wrote:
Sat Jul 13, 2019 3:08 pm
Carefreeap wrote:
Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:14 am
dmcmahon wrote:
Fri Jul 12, 2019 10:15 pm
Carefreeap wrote:
Thu Jul 11, 2019 12:29 pm
My mother died in 2008 nearly $400k in debt; about $300k upside down on her home, $60k in cc debt $40k in unpaid Federal taxes. It took a while but I was able to clean it up, working with her home lender, told the ccs they wouldn't get paid and the Fed debt was so old that it actually expired while I was settling the estate. I sold her home in 2017 and grossed about $300k in profit.
I have to admit a smile reading this - talk about dying while spending your last nickel! Kudos to your mom for outdoing even that!
As someone stuck cleaning up the mess I was horrified and embarrassed. It was months and months of dealing with her lender and collection agencies. Other family members were also being contacted by the collection agencies.

I never expected to inherit anything from my parents but sure didn't appreciate getting dumped on. I can't imagine being so irresponsible and selfish.
I'm curious.... Why did you feel the responsibility to do anything with the "mess" back in 2008?
I was the Trustee and Executor. My mother died rather quickly; from diagnosis to death was 41 days. She died 5 days after her 70th birthday. I was her caregiver for most of that time.
Sorry to hear about that. If I were successor trustee and nominated executor in such a situation, I would seriously consider resigning as trustee and not accepting the executor position. Nobody needs months and months of such stuff. Glad to hear that you (ultimately) wound up with something for your efforts.
I am not a lawyer, accountant or financial advisor. Any advice or suggestions that I may provide shall be considered for entertainment purposes only.

Carefreeap
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by Carefreeap » Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:47 pm

FIREchief wrote:
Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:27 pm
Carefreeap wrote:
Sat Jul 13, 2019 4:21 pm
FIREchief wrote:
Sat Jul 13, 2019 3:08 pm
Carefreeap wrote:
Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:14 am
dmcmahon wrote:
Fri Jul 12, 2019 10:15 pm


I have to admit a smile reading this - talk about dying while spending your last nickel! Kudos to your mom for outdoing even that!
As someone stuck cleaning up the mess I was horrified and embarrassed. It was months and months of dealing with her lender and collection agencies. Other family members were also being contacted by the collection agencies.

I never expected to inherit anything from my parents but sure didn't appreciate getting dumped on. I can't imagine being so irresponsible and selfish.
I'm curious.... Why did you feel the responsibility to do anything with the "mess" back in 2008?
I was the Trustee and Executor. My mother died rather quickly; from diagnosis to death was 41 days. She died 5 days after her 70th birthday. I was her caregiver for most of that time.
Sorry to hear about that. If I were successor trustee and nominated executor in such a situation, I would seriously consider resigning as trustee and not accepting the executor position. Nobody needs months and months of such stuff. Glad to hear that you (ultimately) wound up with something for your efforts.
I didn't know about how dire her financial situation was until partway through her care. It sounds a little callous but I was grateful that she went as quickly as she did as it would have been horrible to deal with her dying and her house being in foreclosure and having to relocate her closer to me (350 miles away in AZ). Also the market for her condo plunged dramatically over a six month period of time. In some ways that was good because my brother, my co "beneficiary" was also in foreclosure and had some wild schemes for vacation renting the property. Since his FICO score was < 500 and mine is over 800 you can figure out why I prevailed and why I would never, ever co-own property with my brother.

The property was in a good location (5 blks from La Jolla Shores Beach). I figured if I was patient it would recover it's value and could be a nice second home since we lived in the greater Phoenix area. Things didn't work out that way but at least I got rewarded for my patience and effort.

GatorFL
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by GatorFL » Sat Jul 13, 2019 5:31 pm

I have had a series of burdens passed on to me as a result of family deaths in the past 11 years.

My kid brother was killed in a traffic accident in south Florida 11 years ago. At the time, my parents were still living, but were too old/poor to deal with any of the arrangements. I was not close with my brother or my parents for the past 30 years. I grew up in a home of violence and chaos, and left home at 16, never resolved much of anything as I was busy "escaping" and building my education and career.

His death was like being pulled back into a hurricane. I had heard that he got married, but had never met the wife.

The burden of taking care of all of the arrangements was put at my feet by my family. My wife and I were living in PA at the time, so we flew to Miami to take care of things, much to the relief of the funeral home. We met my sister in law at the funeral home. Her and my brother had a baby, a 1 year old, and she was also 5 months pregnant. I was shocked to learn that she was from Colombia, and she could speak very little English.

She had 2 brothers that were strangely hovering around her at all times. It was very odd.

The second night, my wife and I offered to drive my sister in law to the restaurant after the funeral. In the car, in her broken English she told us that her brothers were trying to force her to sign over documents and I believe a power of attorney to my brothers life insurance policy. They were also making arrangements to remove her and the baby back to Colombia. She was very upset about this, and it seemed very much like human trafficking to me.

I alerted the authorities, and the next morning we held a meeting in our hotel lobby with my sister in law, a local child protective services officer, and a policeman. We invited the brothers to what they thought was going to be a "goodbye breakfast" for my wife and I. They walked into the lobby, saw the cops, and were panicked. We all sat down, and my SIL declared that she wanted to leave Florida and go with these 2 strangers (my wife and I) back to PA. The brothers got very angry and stormed out of the hotel. The authorities felt it was best if we left ASAP, so we bought my SIL and her baby airline tickets on the way to the airport. She literally only brought 2 suitcases with her.

She ended up having another healthy baby boy later that year and moved into her own apartment close by.

The next several years were difficult, as immigration was trying to deport her back to Colombia. I ended up getting an attorney for her and had to fly back with her to Miami to face the immigration judge. The judge made me economically responsible for her and her kids for a period of 5 years. I readily agreed to this. It was a bit unnerving to have the judge go through all of my financial records in public like that, but I had to do what I had to do. His deportation rate at the time was well over 90%, so it was very stressful. Fortunately, we were able to argue her case and she got her green card and has since become a citizen a few years ago. I was very proud that she took that extra step to become a citizen.

To summarize, I was never close with my family. I hated my childhood. However, I just had to help her and her kids. Nobody deserves to be treated the way she was treated growing up, and those kids deserved a shot. She also grew up in a bad situation, so in a way, we were kindred spirits. My commitment was to make sure my nephews had a good start in life, which I believe they have gotten.

I have done a tremendous amount of reflection on life as result of what started as a burden from a family death. I realized that even though I had a rough start, cycles like that have to be broken. Sometimes burdens resulting from deaths serve as a way to create better life for others.

Gator

student
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Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by student » Sat Jul 13, 2019 5:49 pm

GatorFL wrote:
Sat Jul 13, 2019 5:31 pm
I have had a series of burdens passed on to me as a result of family deaths in the past 11 years.

My kid brother was killed in a traffic accident in south Florida 11 years ago. At the time, my parents were still living, but were too old/poor to deal with any of the arrangements. I was not close with my brother or my parents for the past 30 years. I grew up in a home of violence and chaos, and left home at 16, never resolved much of anything as I was busy "escaping" and building my education and career.

His death was like being pulled back into a hurricane. I had heard that he got married, but had never met the wife.

The burden of taking care of all of the arrangements was put at my feet by my family. My wife and I were living in PA at the time, so we flew to Miami to take care of things, much to the relief of the funeral home. We met my sister in law at the funeral home. Her and my brother had a baby, a 1 year old, and she was also 5 months pregnant. I was shocked to learn that she was from Colombia, and she could speak very little English.

She had 2 brothers that were strangely hovering around her at all times. It was very odd.

The second night, my wife and I offered to drive my sister in law to the restaurant after the funeral. In the car, in her broken English she told us that her brothers were trying to force her to sign over documents and I believe a power of attorney to my brothers life insurance policy. They were also making arrangements to remove her and the baby back to Colombia. She was very upset about this, and it seemed very much like human trafficking to me.

I alerted the authorities, and the next morning we held a meeting in our hotel lobby with my sister in law, a local child protective services officer, and a policeman. We invited the brothers to what they thought was going to be a "goodbye breakfast" for my wife and I. They walked into the lobby, saw the cops, and were panicked. We all sat down, and my SIL declared that she wanted to leave Florida and go with these 2 strangers (my wife and I) back to PA. The brothers got very angry and stormed out of the hotel. The authorities felt it was best if we left ASAP, so we bought my SIL and her baby airline tickets on the way to the airport. She literally only brought 2 suitcases with her.

She ended up having another healthy baby boy later that year and moved into her own apartment close by.

The next several years were difficult, as immigration was trying to deport her back to Colombia. I ended up getting an attorney for her and had to fly back with her to Miami to face the immigration judge. The judge made me economically responsible for her and her kids for a period of 5 years. I readily agreed to this. It was a bit unnerving to have the judge go through all of my financial records in public like that, but I had to do what I had to do. His deportation rate at the time was well over 90%, so it was very stressful. Fortunately, we were able to argue her case and she got her green card and has since become a citizen a few years ago. I was very proud that she took that extra step to become a citizen.

To summarize, I was never close with my family. I hated my childhood. However, I just had to help her and her kids. Nobody deserves to be treated the way she was treated growing up, and those kids deserved a shot. She also grew up in a bad situation, so in a way, we were kindred spirits. My commitment was to make sure my nephews had a good start in life, which I believe they have gotten.

I have done a tremendous amount of reflection on life as result of what started as a burden from a family death. I realized that even though I had a rough start, cycles like that have to be broken. Sometimes burdens resulting from deaths serve as a way to create better life for others.

Gator
Thanks for the story. You are a nice person for stepping up to "The judge made me economically responsible for her and her kids for a period of 5 years."

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Doom&Gloom
Posts: 2854
Joined: Thu May 08, 2014 3:36 pm

Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by Doom&Gloom » Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:05 pm

^^^

+1

Carefreeap
Posts: 2560
Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2015 7:36 pm
Location: SF Bay Area

Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by Carefreeap » Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:32 pm

GatorFL wrote:
Sat Jul 13, 2019 5:31 pm
I have had a series of burdens passed on to me as a result of family deaths in the past 11 years.

My kid brother was killed in a traffic accident in south Florida 11 years ago. At the time, my parents were still living, but were too old/poor to deal with any of the arrangements. I was not close with my brother or my parents for the past 30 years. I grew up in a home of violence and chaos, and left home at 16, never resolved much of anything as I was busy "escaping" and building my education and career.

His death was like being pulled back into a hurricane. I had heard that he got married, but had never met the wife.

The burden of taking care of all of the arrangements was put at my feet by my family. My wife and I were living in PA at the time, so we flew to Miami to take care of things, much to the relief of the funeral home. We met my sister in law at the funeral home. Her and my brother had a baby, a 1 year old, and she was also 5 months pregnant. I was shocked to learn that she was from Colombia, and she could speak very little English.

She had 2 brothers that were strangely hovering around her at all times. It was very odd.

The second night, my wife and I offered to drive my sister in law to the restaurant after the funeral. In the car, in her broken English she told us that her brothers were trying to force her to sign over documents and I believe a power of attorney to my brothers life insurance policy. They were also making arrangements to remove her and the baby back to Colombia. She was very upset about this, and it seemed very much like human trafficking to me.

I alerted the authorities, and the next morning we held a meeting in our hotel lobby with my sister in law, a local child protective services officer, and a policeman. We invited the brothers to what they thought was going to be a "goodbye breakfast" for my wife and I. They walked into the lobby, saw the cops, and were panicked. We all sat down, and my SIL declared that she wanted to leave Florida and go with these 2 strangers (my wife and I) back to PA. The brothers got very angry and stormed out of the hotel. The authorities felt it was best if we left ASAP, so we bought my SIL and her baby airline tickets on the way to the airport. She literally only brought 2 suitcases with her.

She ended up having another healthy baby boy later that year and moved into her own apartment close by.

The next several years were difficult, as immigration was trying to deport her back to Colombia. I ended up getting an attorney for her and had to fly back with her to Miami to face the immigration judge. The judge made me economically responsible for her and her kids for a period of 5 years. I readily agreed to this. It was a bit unnerving to have the judge go through all of my financial records in public like that, but I had to do what I had to do. His deportation rate at the time was well over 90%, so it was very stressful. Fortunately, we were able to argue her case and she got her green card and has since become a citizen a few years ago. I was very proud that she took that extra step to become a citizen.

To summarize, I was never close with my family. I hated my childhood. However, I just had to help her and her kids. Nobody deserves to be treated the way she was treated growing up, and those kids deserved a shot. She also grew up in a bad situation, so in a way, we were kindred spirits. My commitment was to make sure my nephews had a good start in life, which I believe they have gotten.

I have done a tremendous amount of reflection on life as result of what started as a burden from a family death. I realized that even though I had a rough start, cycles like that have to be broken. Sometimes burdens resulting from deaths serve as a way to create better life for others.

Gator
What an amazing story! Kudos to you for stepping up. :beer

JediMisty
Posts: 250
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 7:06 am
Location: Central NJ

Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by JediMisty » Sat Jul 13, 2019 6:44 pm

GatorFL wrote:
Sat Jul 13, 2019 5:31 pm
I have had a series of burdens passed on to me as a result of family deaths in the past 11 years.

My kid brother was killed in a traffic accident in south Florida 11 years ago. At the time, my parents were still living, but were too old/poor to deal with any of the arrangements. I was not close with my brother or my parents for the past 30 years. I grew up in a home of violence and chaos, and left home at 16, never resolved much of anything as I was busy "escaping" and building my education and career.

His death was like being pulled back into a hurricane. I had heard that he got married, but had never met the wife.

The burden of taking care of all of the arrangements was put at my feet by my family. My wife and I were living in PA at the time, so we flew to Miami to take care of things, much to the relief of the funeral home. We met my sister in law at the funeral home. Her and my brother had a baby, a 1 year old, and she was also 5 months pregnant. I was shocked to learn that she was from Colombia, and she could speak very little English.

She had 2 brothers that were strangely hovering around her at all times. It was very odd.

The second night, my wife and I offered to drive my sister in law to the restaurant after the funeral. In the car, in her broken English she told us that her brothers were trying to force her to sign over documents and I believe a power of attorney to my brothers life insurance policy. They were also making arrangements to remove her and the baby back to Colombia. She was very upset about this, and it seemed very much like human trafficking to me.

I alerted the authorities, and the next morning we held a meeting in our hotel lobby with my sister in law, a local child protective services officer, and a policeman. We invited the brothers to what they thought was going to be a "goodbye breakfast" for my wife and I. They walked into the lobby, saw the cops, and were panicked. We all sat down, and my SIL declared that she wanted to leave Florida and go with these 2 strangers (my wife and I) back to PA. The brothers got very angry and stormed out of the hotel. The authorities felt it was best if we left ASAP, so we bought my SIL and her baby airline tickets on the way to the airport. She literally only brought 2 suitcases with her.

She ended up having another healthy baby boy later that year and moved into her own apartment close by.

The next several years were difficult, as immigration was trying to deport her back to Colombia. I ended up getting an attorney for her and had to fly back with her to Miami to face the immigration judge. The judge made me economically responsible for her and her kids for a period of 5 years. I readily agreed to this. It was a bit unnerving to have the judge go through all of my financial records in public like that, but I had to do what I had to do. His deportation rate at the time was well over 90%, so it was very stressful. Fortunately, we were able to argue her case and she got her green card and has since become a citizen a few years ago. I was very proud that she took that extra step to become a citizen.

To summarize, I was never close with my family. I hated my childhood. However, I just had to help her and her kids. Nobody deserves to be treated the way she was treated growing up, and those kids deserved a shot. She also grew up in a bad situation, so in a way, we were kindred spirits. My commitment was to make sure my nephews had a good start in life, which I believe they have gotten.

I have done a tremendous amount of reflection on life as result of what started as a burden from a family death. I realized that even though I had a rough start, cycles like that have to be broken. Sometimes burdens resulting from deaths serve as a way to create better life for others.

Gator
This brought me close to years. You and your wife are good people!

fru-gal
Posts: 753
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2019 9:48 pm

Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by fru-gal » Sat Jul 13, 2019 7:13 pm

ladycat wrote:
Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:35 pm
shorty313 wrote:
Thu Jul 11, 2019 12:50 pm

ETA: there are also some small possessions that are spelled out who they go to, so there's no fighting about that either. Anyone know what do to with unwanted furs??? :?
Contact bornfreeusa.org and ask if they accept furs or know of an organization that does. Furs make comfy blankets for rescued wildlife.
I've heard something like that also. If that doesn't work, give them a decent burial somewhere.

pennywise
Posts: 644
Joined: Sat May 31, 2014 6:22 am

Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by pennywise » Sat Jul 13, 2019 8:03 pm

We took care of a friend during his terminal illness and he left us his estate which included his two dogs.

Our friend was quirky to say the least, a hoarder, brilliant with some mental issues. Both the animals were rescue dogs and he refused to train either let alone neuter them. So they were nightmare animals; one was a small terrier mix mutt, the other also a mutt but much bigger with some shepherd in there. The larger dog had dominance issues and would attack the small one frequently to the point at which he injured it and also my friend had never asserted his dominance as owner (ie dominance issues all over) so the larger dog would get aggressive with people. Of course they both jumped and barked and pawed at anyone who came near. They both had major flea infestations and my friend refused to treat that as he didn't believe in using chemicals on his animals. My friend was in home hospice for almost a month and we had a terrible time getting nurses to come for more than one shift because of the dogs.

My friend who was a single, never married guy loved the dogs as if they were his children and explicitly told us that his most urgent wish was that the dogs go to loving homes. We had cats so couldn't take them, and wouldn't have anyway. The small dog was claimed by his housekeeper but the larger one took months and thousands of dollars to house. We had to board him for awhile with our vet, then we tried to take him to a no kill shelter which was also a nightmare as he was so wild it was dangerous driving with him not to mention him running amok at the shelter. He was 4 pounds over their weight limit. Back to the vet.

A friend of my son who owned a rural property he was rehabbing finally took the dog Our friend had specified that anyone taking the dogs be given a sum to care for him so that was another outlay. However the dog was very happy--he had a large area of fenced acreage on which to run and a pair of little boys to play with. The new owner was doing a good job of training him but sadly, a few months later a gate was left open, he ran out and was killed by a passing truck. Even with all the aggravation and hassle, it was really a heartbreaking end to the dog's life. Although it wasn't anyone's fault we still felt very badly for the dog and the new owners.

trueblueky
Posts: 1533
Joined: Tue May 27, 2014 3:50 pm

Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by trueblueky » Sat Jul 13, 2019 8:25 pm

90-year-old widow Carol, husband deceased, no children, moved to FL assisted living to be near her only sibling (my MIL). She had houses in two others state. She let her sibling sell the vacation home, but not the other house or her car. It was obvious to everyone else that she would never drive or live in the house again. Nieces and nephews went through her stuff, but did not want most and did not want to transport much of the rest. Dealing with stuff, auctioning the rest, selling the house took my MIL a year. Carol had never gotten rid of her long-deceased husband's clothes and other things, which added to the burden.
____

DD was named executor for his uncle who died without a will. The only thing of value was a small farm. By state law, half went to widow and half was divided among their seven children (the children's heirs in a couple of cases). Some thought the land might have oil, so they were reluctant to sell it at farmland prices. I suppose someone could have forced a sale, but family. Meanwhile, the widow was scraping by on Social Security. That took a couple of years to clear up where a will or trust could have made it simple.
___

I have will, durable POA, etc. in place. Trying to help DW de-accumulate so no one has a burden when we go.

Atilla
Posts: 1354
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2010 7:44 pm

Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by Atilla » Sat Jul 13, 2019 9:08 pm

Depending on how the finances look when my mother passes, I'm planning on looting her place for photos and momentos and walking away. Only child so no siblings to deal with - which is nice.
Moderator Warning-Free Since 2017.

JGoneRiding
Posts: 1738
Joined: Tue Jul 15, 2014 3:26 pm

Re: Has anyone inherited a obligation/burden/responsibility?

Post by JGoneRiding » Sat Jul 13, 2019 9:51 pm

trueblueky wrote:
Sat Jul 13, 2019 8:25 pm
90-year-old widow Carol, husband deceased, no children, moved to FL assisted living to be near her only sibling (my MIL). She had houses in two others state. She let her sibling sell the vacation home, but not the other house or her car. It was obvious to everyone else that she would never drive or live in the house again. Nieces and nephews went through her stuff, but did not want most and did not want to transport much of the rest. Dealing with stuff, auctioning the rest, selling the house took my MIL a year. Carol had never gotten rid of her long-deceased husband's clothes and other things, which added to the burden.
____

DD was named executor for his uncle who died without a will. The only thing of value was a small farm. By state law, half went to widow and half was divided among their seven children (the children's heirs in a couple of cases). Some thought the land might have oil, so they were reluctant to sell it at farmland prices. I suppose someone could have forced a sale, but family. Meanwhile, the widow was scraping by on Social Security. That took a couple of years to clear up where a will or trust could have made it simple.
___

I have will, durable POA, etc. in place. Trying to help DW de-accumulate so no one has a burden when we go.
On the second case, you only made it complicated because if family not because it had to be. The executor has the legal right to sell it. They inherit the estate not actually the property. A good executor should sell everything as quickly as possible and devi up funds. Not let the family dictate the property.

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