11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

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petrisunset
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11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by petrisunset » Thu Mar 28, 2019 10:26 am

Hi BHs,
Any good and meaningful advise how best to manage discipline, habits and financial responsibility of an 11-year old boy getting his first iPhone?
Spouse and I tried our best to delay this as much as possible. In fact he is the only one in his class who doesn’t own one. Crazy imho, but that’s the reality we have to deal with. Peer-pressure (fear of loosing all his friends who all group-chat) is producing daily, prolonged emotional dramas for several weeks. Now my spouse and I are considering becoming more flexible (aka as giving up) and getting him one, acknowledging this will be the start of many more of such situations. At least we want to get something out of this in terms of healthy technology habits, discipline and raising financeally responsible kids. So any advice is appreciated. Thx a lot.

Katietsu
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by Katietsu » Thu Mar 28, 2019 10:46 am

I went with an iPhone 7 last fall. Looks modern enough but I was able to get it for $150 after promos. Added an attractive case the child got to pick that was only $12 on Amazon along with a screen protector.

Child knew ahead of time that cellular data use was very limited. Went into settings and turned off data for most apps leaving it on only for things like Find my IPhone. Just doing that means no streaming on car rides and in restaurants without having to make separate rules. Child is responsible for turning cellular data off when downloading new apps. Though I monitor usage through my own phone and have had to do reminding a couple times.

The I tunes account has only Apple gift cards as payment. No credit card.
Last edited by Katietsu on Thu Mar 28, 2019 10:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

nesdog
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by nesdog » Thu Mar 28, 2019 10:46 am

Ha! We did this one.

For us, what worked was to give our daughter a pre-paid plan device. It simply stopped working when she ran too many texts or data. She had to learn how to restrain herself. I will also add it was incredibly unpopular...she hated that we limited her.

Our reply: "Okay, then we will just take back the phone!"
Insert clever comment here...

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tyrion
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by tyrion » Thu Mar 28, 2019 10:52 am

We just got our 14 year old his first phone. Yes, he was the last person in his class to have one. Tough luck.

We made him research phones and then pay for it himself (birthday money) as well as the monthly fees. So he found a new but not top-of-the line unlocked phone for about $150. And he found a $15/month plan with I think 8GB of data that has good coverage at home and school. His allowance does cover the monthly fee. Life is about making choices, so for awhile his sister will have more spending money until she eventually gets a phone.

On habits and discipline, we had him write down what he thought were good guidelines for use. As parents we also wrote a list. Then we compared and discussed. The phone stays downstairs at night. He does not get to use it in the car on the way to/from school unless we ask him to check/do something on it. He does not have any games installed, although he does have a computer with games. No social media. No using it when on family outings, at dinner, etc.

I think that was the main stuff. He's a pretty responsible kid so we haven't taken the next step of monitoring, but parents of his peers use Apple screen time to designate when the kids get to use them.

Good luck. It's not going to be easy for kids to grow up in this digital world.

aristotelian
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by aristotelian » Thu Mar 28, 2019 10:56 am

My 12 year old has started playing the "everyone else has one" card. We are still holding out although I recently got a flip phone with $5/month Tello plan so that he can have something to use when he goes around town.

Knowing my kid, I would want to get a phone that is completely replaceable in the event of loss or breakage. I would not spend more than $50. If he wants to, he can chip in his own funds. I have a $15/month plan with Mint and that is the upper limit I will be willing to subsidize. If he needs more data than me, he can pay.

stoptothink
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by stoptothink » Thu Mar 28, 2019 10:57 am

We're already experiencing this with my 1st grader. It's what she wanted for her 7th birthday 2wks ago. Almost all her friends have phones. When I drop her off at the bus stop, almost every other kid is totally oblivious to the rest of the world; lost in their screen. She's not getting one. Period. We told her we'll have this discussion again when she gets to high school or begins traveling to school (or other places) on her own, whichever comes first.

longleaf
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by longleaf » Thu Mar 28, 2019 10:58 am

Be sure to put VTI on the top of the stocks app :D
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Eno Deb
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by Eno Deb » Thu Mar 28, 2019 11:57 am

Recent versions of iOS have a useful feature that you can use to restrict how much time your kids spend on the phone and which apps they can use:

https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT208982

Quickfoot
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by Quickfoot » Thu Mar 28, 2019 12:18 pm

IOS has exceptionall parentel controls called restrictions. You can configure it so they have a time limit, can't install apps without permissions, you can also configure it so they can't use built in apps such as safari, or even remove the app store all together. I also suggest disabling in app purchases so you don't wind up with a large bill from Apple.

All of our kids have iPhones with find my friends locked on so we can GPS them at any time, when they get grounded I remove the app store, safari, etc and all they are left with is phone call and text functionality.

MrBrainwash
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by MrBrainwash » Thu Mar 28, 2019 12:21 pm

Asking how to get an 11-year old to responsibly manage smartphone use is akin to asking how to responsibility get an 11-year old started on crack cocaine, in my mind. Smartphone apps, particularly "social" apps, are often designed to encourage compulsive use, and most adults with fully formed brains have trouble managing their use of such apps, so it seems unreasonable to ask an 11-year old to do so.

It's interesting that you're considering it because of "prolonged emotional dramas" caused by not having a smartphone. First, preying on FOMO (fear of missing out) is one of the tactics of social media apps. Secondly, there is a mental health crisis among our youth, and it increasingly seems likely that it is due to smartphone and "social" app use:

http://theconversation.com/the-mental-h ... ing-113239

There was also a report yesterday that the new coach of the Arizona Cardinals is going to allow his players to take cellphone breaks from meetings every 20 to 30 minutes, because young men can no longer concentrate any longer than that without their "social media fix":

http://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/2636 ... one-breaks

As for specific strategies to responsibly manage smartphone use, I'd urge you to check out Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport:

http://calnewport.com/books/digital-minimalism/

But the strategies outlined in that book are a challenge for many adults to adopt, so the likelihood of getting an 11-year old to adopt them is probably quite low.

HomeStretch
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by HomeStretch » Thu Mar 28, 2019 12:28 pm

Limit data usage so no streaming in car that blows thru your data plan.

If iPhone, have “find my iPhone” turned on so misplaced phone can easily be located.

Waterproof case.

If you have the no-fee Uber Visa card and use it to pay your entire mobile phone bill, a card benefit is phone damage/theft insurance with a small deductible.

Southtonorth
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by Southtonorth » Thu Mar 28, 2019 12:28 pm

I just went to a seminar organized by our school district about screen time.

It seems that teenagers who spend 1 hour/day recreational screen time are the happiest. 1-2 hours/day is the turning point. More than 2 hours/day will increase depression, anxiety, and a whole lot of other issues. They can exhibit withdrawal behavior if screen time is taken away from them. This happiness research must have been ongoing. There was sharp dip of happiness in 2005 - it was also the year smart phone was introduced.

The single most important thing is to not allow cell phone/I-pads in their bedroom around bedtime.

A lot of parental control apps for smartphones are mentioned, ranging from $12 to $90 a year. However, there are thriving teen forums online discussing all possible ways to get around parental controls, some with highly advanced and sneaky tactics. The speaker, who's a high school teacher, conceded that teenagers are smarter than her when it comes to technology.

deskjockey
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by deskjockey » Thu Mar 28, 2019 1:07 pm

I'd go ahead and call the parents of all of your kid's friends. Ask them why they gave their kids phones (not in a hostile way, but ti understand the rationale) and how they control/monitor the use of these phones. Ask what their biggest concerns are, whether they have seen any negative impacts, and how they have mitigated those. They may have a wealth of info in terms of how to cope with your kid's desire for a phone and, if you get him a phone, how to monitor his use.

I'm the parent of 9 year old and am beginning to hear the "everyone else has one" argument. One kid even brought an Apple Watch to school the other week, which did not go over well as all non-school computing devices are banned. I really felt like calling the parents and asking why they got the kid an Apple Watch as it just baffled me. Apparently the kid didn't even know what to do with it.

MrBrainwash
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by MrBrainwash » Thu Mar 28, 2019 1:18 pm

deskjockey wrote:
Thu Mar 28, 2019 1:07 pm
One kid even brought an Apple Watch to school the other week, which did not go over well as all non-school computing devices are banned. I really felt like calling the parents and asking why they got the kid an Apple Watch as it just baffled me. Apparently the kid didn't even know what to do with it.
Most likely they got it so they can track their kid with Apple's Find My Friends app. Not saying that's a good reason, just the likely reason.

Irisheyes
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by Irisheyes » Thu Mar 28, 2019 1:22 pm

I think it's really great that you are asking these questions now because if limits aren't enforced now, while he is young and relatively amenable, it will be impossible later when he is a teen.

Our daughter got one when she was 14. Now she is 16 and after all the talk and angst about too much screen time (some of which was misplaced angst on our part, some of which was valid) we are left with two non-negotiable rules.

One: No phones at dinner table
Two: Phone is given up on school nights at 10 pm.

I'm surprised she still agrees to giving up the phone at night -- I think it's so important to help her get a good night's sleep. But I put her continued acquiescence in this down to habits/rules enforced over a period of years.

Phones, as kids grow older, are an increasingly important connection to their friends, and an important part of social interaction for kids who are extremely busy and can't always "hang out" as much as they'd like to. Phones are also where they find help with homework -- my daughter is on groupchats with school mates for her harder classes and they help each other out.

So it's a difficult balancing act to manage for sure.
Last edited by Irisheyes on Thu Mar 28, 2019 1:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Quickfoot
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by Quickfoot » Thu Mar 28, 2019 1:27 pm

Also institute a phone check policy, at any time you can say phone check and they hand you the phone and give you the unlock code. We also require them to tell us their unlock codes in advance and our finger prints / faces are added to the biometric unlock so we can unlock them at will.

No computing devices should be allowed in bedrooms, also no social media should be allowed. Kids simply do not need and cannot responsibly use social media (to be fair most adults can't either), it is the largest source of bullying, sexting and technology driven problems in middle and high schools. Our 15 year old isn't happy about not having social media but the other two kids couldn't care less.

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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by inbox788 » Thu Mar 28, 2019 1:37 pm

Quickfoot wrote:
Thu Mar 28, 2019 12:18 pm
IOS has exceptionall parentel controls called restrictions. You can configure it so they have a time limit, can't install apps without permissions, you can also configure it so they can't use built in apps such as safari, or even remove the app store all together. I also suggest disabling in app purchases so you don't wind up with a large bill from Apple.

All of our kids have iPhones with find my friends locked on so we can GPS them at any time, when they get grounded I remove the app store, safari, etc and all they are left with is phone call and text functionality.
It all depends on the maturity of the child. While iOS parental controls are available, they're a pain in the rear to monitor and use. It's not that flipping switches is hard, but there are so many of them and if you don't have good alignment between restrictions and child's needs/wants, you're constantly battling the child and the settings. Besides phone level controls, you might also consider wifi access control at the router level, which is a separate can of worms.

For the most part, the teens will use social network or texting, which is mainly Instagram or Snapchat now, but that's a constantly moving target, and there are a handful of others.

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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by texasdiver » Thu Mar 28, 2019 1:40 pm

Parent of 3 girls here, youngest is currently 12 so I've been through this 3 times now. Well, actually just 2 as the middle child is super responsible. Two easy steps to take:

1. Institute parent controls on the phone. We use Verizon and there are a bunch of parent-control options from limiting data to limiting use during school hours, late night, etc. It is called "Family Base" and you pay extra but it is how I restrict all my kid's data us so we don't blow through all our shared data. All the big carriers have similar packages and Apple has some built-in stuff that I haven't investigated.

2. Restrict your home WiFi. It's not enough just to restrict the phone data if he can just use unlimited WiFi data at home. BY FAR the best option for this is Google WiFi if you want to invest in new home routers. Google WiFi creates a web of WiFi spots through your home and provides you with an iPhone app that will give you fine-detailed control over every device that uses your WiFi. You can set use hours and content restrictions for any device that uses your wifi network. And you can turn off and on the WiFi to his phone at the push of a button on your phone without affecting the WiFi signal to other users. Costco was selling sets of 4 Google WiFi https://www.costco.com/Google-Wifi-4-Pa ... 06436.html I bought this kit and distributed them through our large house and it greatly improved our WiFi in and out of the house and gave us great youth controls of their devices.

You can put in place all the other rules you want about phone use in and out of the house, a bunch of them have been suggested here. But it is nice to automate it all as well as you get busy and forget, especially with multiple kids.
Last edited by texasdiver on Thu Mar 28, 2019 1:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by texasdiver » Thu Mar 28, 2019 1:48 pm

PS, I'm also a HS teacher so I sort of know all the ways and methods that kids use for social media and texting. I would tell you right now that trying to read your kid's phone to check text messages and such is a fools errand. If the kid is at all sneaky there are 100s of ways they can text and communicate on their devices without parents (or teachers) ever knowing. It's not just text messaging, Snapchat, and instagram. If their parents are checking those they will chat through in-game apps, hidden apps you don't even know to look for. Or even use things like Google Docs or Google Spreadsheets on their school chromebooks to open up comment windows in shared homework documents and chat all night in margin comments when it looks like they are doing school homework.

So you can take his phone away in the evening but he still might be chatting away with friends while pretending to work on that science or history homework on his school-issued chromebook via Google Docs comment windows on a homework assignment. They are WAY smarter than most of us when it comes to this sort of thing.

Also you have to adapt your rules to the kid. Daughter #2 is super responsible. I let her keep her phone in her room because she uses it as her alarm clock. She goes to bed before her required bedtime and never needs to be woken up in the morning. She is often up before me doing homework and doesn't do much on her phone. She only goes through about 1/3 of her allocated data in a month. Daughter #3 needs her phone taken up every evening, is tough to get out of bed in the mornings, and goes through her allocated data by about the 10th of the month every month. Kids are all different.
Last edited by texasdiver on Thu Mar 28, 2019 1:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Irisheyes
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by Irisheyes » Thu Mar 28, 2019 1:56 pm

texasdiver wrote:
Thu Mar 28, 2019 1:48 pm
PS, I'm also a HS teacher so I sort of know all the ways and methods that kids use for social media and texting. I would tell you right now that trying to read your kid's phone to check text messages and such is a fools errand. If the kid is at all sneaky there are 100s of ways they can text and communicate on their devices without parents (or teachers) ever knowing. It's not just text messaging, Snapchat, and instagram. If their parents are checking those they will chat through in-game apps, hidden apps you don't even know to look for. Or even use things like Google Docs or Google Spreadsheets on their school chromebooks to open up comment windows in shared homework documents and chat all night in margin comments when it looks like they are doing school homework.

So you can take his phone away in the evening but he still might be chatting away with friends while working on that science or history homework on his chromebook via Google Docs comment editing windows. They are WAY smarter than most of us when it comes to this sort of thing.
Yep.

And who even wants to get into a cat and mouse game with them on all this anyway? By the time they get to be 16, it feels like you are invading their privacy when you do this (younger kids are different). But as long as the homework gets done, and the grades are where you want them to be, it's ok if they're chatting while working, afaic.

And saying "no social media" in the bedroom doesn't work either, if that is where one's kid does one's homework (mine does). She uses the computer all the time to submit work on google docs and also to research various things.

We turn off all the WIFI to our house at 10.30 pm (half an hour after phone is given up). This ensures she also completes her homework at a reasonable hour.

GoldenFinch
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by GoldenFinch » Thu Mar 28, 2019 2:01 pm

Sadly, Pandora’s Box is the only thing that comes to mind when I think of kids and phones. The longer you can wait the happier YOU will be.

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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by EHEngineer » Thu Mar 28, 2019 2:12 pm

Couple ideas for you.

A successful parent driven campaign was a full phone ban / disallow all smartphone usage in our middle school. If kids need to make a call, they can ask permission and use the school landline phones. I'm told this reduced distractions, teacher burdern to police phone usage, as well as cyber bullying.

Another parent campaing was a modestly successful "Wait 'til 8th" pledge compaign where they passed around a signup sheet committing to not getting kids a smartphone until 8th grade. I think it help do get many parents in agreement so the kids didn't have the "everyone else" arguement. https://www.waituntil8th.org/

At home we expect the phones/devices to be charging in the kitchen at certain hours. It's easy to monitor.

My kids do not know their apple id passwords, so cannot install apps without my knowledge.
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by livesoft » Thu Mar 28, 2019 2:20 pm

I have to laugh at this one. If the child's friends have phones, then some of the friends are on their 2nd or 3rd phones. The child should get one of the friends to give them an old phone for free. The downside is the the friend's one-year-old sibling will not get the phone.
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by czeckers » Thu Mar 28, 2019 2:49 pm

I very much regret getting a smartphone for my children at 12 yo. There are no parental controls that they can't defeat and the OS makers (Apple and Android) don't seem to be trying very hard to make it easy for parents to control access. By giving them a phone you give them unfettered access to pornography, violence, and stock picking newsletters :twisted:.

My recommendation is to control access so that they only have the phone at certain times such as in evening between finishing homework and bedtime. Otherwise it is very easy for them to spend all their free time on the phone and become isolated and not learn basic social interaction skills.
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by barnaclebob » Thu Mar 28, 2019 3:00 pm

Southtonorth wrote:
Thu Mar 28, 2019 12:28 pm
I just went to a seminar organized by our school district about screen time.

It seems that teenagers who spend 1 hour/day recreational screen time are the happiest. 1-2 hours/day is the turning point. More than 2 hours/day will increase depression, anxiety, and a whole lot of other issues. They can exhibit withdrawal behavior if screen time is taken away from them. This happiness research must have been ongoing. There was sharp dip of happiness in 2005 - it was also the year smart phone was introduced.
Don't confuse correlation with causation. While the smartphone might have been introduced in 2005, very few people, especially kids, had one back then. They didn't become prolific until a few years later.

gobigrad
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by gobigrad » Thu Mar 28, 2019 5:37 pm

We have a 10 year old who also badly wants a cell phone. We are holding out. Too much problems with phones. Cyber bullying worries me the most. Our small community has lost kids to suicide from this.

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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by maple92 » Thu Mar 28, 2019 5:41 pm

Google Disney Circle --- has been an incredible help for us controlling wifi access -- great features and incredible customer service -- obviously does not address everything associated with the phone but we did not get a cellular plan on our son's phone so wifi access is his key to surfing and the features on this device are very very helpful (ex: bedtime, time limits, history, daily usage, etc) -- ((also helps w Xbox, chromebooks, etc which has been an incredible help is our household))

lakpr
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by lakpr » Thu Mar 28, 2019 5:56 pm

Wrestling with the same problem with my 12 year old too. In my case, I gave him an Android phone, and installed an app called App Lock, where you can put a password lock on any apps that you don’t want your kid to have access. One if the apps that I restricted access to us the Google Play Store itself. So unless my son hacks my password it is super smart to bypass this AppLock, any time a new app needs to be accessed he needs my permission.

I am not sure if AppLock is available for iPhone.

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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by letsgobobby » Thu Mar 28, 2019 11:06 pm

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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by Misenplace » Fri Mar 29, 2019 12:30 am

We started getting the pressure for a phone in grammar school. I noted the only kids that had cell phones, had divorced parents. So, no cell phone from us.

When we finally gave in, in HS, the rule was no WiFi after a certain time, and NO screens whatsoever in the bedroom. It was a struggle. Whenever that rule was broken, a privilege was lost. Repeatedly. Kids don’t have the control at that age, and really need to experience the consequences. Repeatedly. It is a gift from the parents to do that. If parents don’t enforce these boundaries, they are not doing their duty.

My brother controls from the WiFi, but he has more kids to monitor.

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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by inbox788 » Fri Mar 29, 2019 3:14 am

11-year old iPhone

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mancich
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by mancich » Fri Mar 29, 2019 4:10 am

We have an 11 year old with an iPhone. Fortunately for us, she is not yet abusing it (the 15 year old is another story!). I think a good practice could be that they're allowed a certain total amount of time after school (and on weekends) where they can use the phone. After that, it goes into a parent-controlled safe place until the next day. Most kids won't like that, but it certainly will enforce discipline. :sharebeer

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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by indexonlyplease » Fri Mar 29, 2019 6:45 am

11 year old with iPhone. The iphone is not the problem. Its the parents that gave them the iPhone. Once the iPhone is in the kids hands you will only think you can control them. They are way to smart these days and older kids show them everything. I wish the kids would put as much time learning in school that they spend time learning social media on the phone.

But then again there are many kids making money with social media.

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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by jfn111 » Fri Mar 29, 2019 6:54 am

The problem with getting a kid a cell phone is it never ends. My daughter (36) and my son (33) are still on my plan. :shock:
(For many plans the 3rd and 4th lines are cheap so it saved THEM a lot of money just staying on our plan).

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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by indexonlyplease » Fri Mar 29, 2019 7:36 am

jfn111 wrote:
Fri Mar 29, 2019 6:54 am
The problem with getting a kid a cell phone is it never ends. My daughter (36) and my son (33) are still on my plan. :shock:
(For many plans the 3rd and 4th lines are cheap so it saved THEM a lot of money just staying on our plan).
I understand this. I went to cut off my to adult kids from our plan. They are 19 and 22. But when I went to Verizon it went from $30 a month to $80 on their own plan. A lot cheaper on the family plan of 4 phones.

I could not see them paying this much more. So we are stuck for now.

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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by corysold » Fri Mar 29, 2019 9:52 am

We allow our 11 year old daughter to use our phones to text, snapchat, houseparty and whatever other apps there are that they use. She can't use it after 8 PM and always needs to ask us before grabbing the phone off the counter or something.

That way she can still be in touch with her friends, but we have full control over how much, when and can read he texts/apps if needed. Seems to be working well so far. She has a gizmo watch if she needs to get a hold of us while out.

It's been a good introduction into phone rules, expectations, uses, etc., without having to buy her her own, which we plan to some day, 11 just seems to young.

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sunny_socal
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by sunny_socal » Fri Mar 29, 2019 12:24 pm

Our youngest:
- Phone goes into a basket in living room at 10pm to be charged
- No playing with phone at dinner time
- We take the phone away for disobedience

texasdiver
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by texasdiver » Fri Mar 29, 2019 1:09 pm

jfn111 wrote:
Fri Mar 29, 2019 6:54 am
The problem with getting a kid a cell phone is it never ends. My daughter (36) and my son (33) are still on my plan. :shock:
(For many plans the 3rd and 4th lines are cheap so it saved THEM a lot of money just staying on our plan).
My adult 22-year old college student daughter is still on our plan. When she wants more than 4 GB per month of data she can get her own plan. I'm hoping that will eventually drive her off to her own plan when she is out of college and earning her own $$$. At least that's the theory!

crazygrow
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by crazygrow » Fri Mar 29, 2019 1:29 pm

letsgobobby wrote:
Thu Mar 28, 2019 11:06 pm
petrisunset wrote:
Thu Mar 28, 2019 10:26 am
Hi BHs,
Any good and meaningful advise how best to manage discipline, habits and financial responsibility of an 11-year old boy getting his first iPhone?
Spouse and I tried our best to delay this as much as possible. In fact he is the only one in his class who doesn’t own one. Crazy imho, but that’s the reality we have to deal with. Peer-pressure (fear of loosing all his friends who all group-chat) is producing daily, prolonged emotional dramas for several weeks. Now my spouse and I are considering becoming more flexible (aka as giving up) and getting him one, acknowledging this will be the start of many more of such situations. At least we want to get something out of this in terms of healthy technology habits, discipline and raising financeally responsible kids. So any advice is appreciated. Thx a lot.
My 12 year old is without a phone and not close to getting one. Sorry. I don't let my kids make these decisions and I think an 11 year old with a phone so he can group chat text is a bad and basically uncontrollable situation.
#like

We have six kids so we've been getting the "everyone else has one" line for a long time - it's pretty easy to verify - just ask their teacher at school. Our oldest turn 13 this year and we also are not close to getting them a phone (they are triplets). We do have what we refer to as the emergency phone that is basically completely locked down except for call/chrome and they are only allowed to touch it when they are somewhere that we don't know a lot about (a bday party at a friend's house that may end at whatever time, etc.).

Kids that age aren't mature or responsible enough to manage the constant onslaught of marketing, bad influences, and social media. My last company was spending 10s of millions/yr to understand online marketing and basically how to manipulate people into doing stuff - something Facebook and others are spending B's on.

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jfn111
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by jfn111 » Fri Mar 29, 2019 2:49 pm

texasdiver wrote:
Fri Mar 29, 2019 1:09 pm
jfn111 wrote:
Fri Mar 29, 2019 6:54 am
The problem with getting a kid a cell phone is it never ends. My daughter (36) and my son (33) are still on my plan. :shock:
(For many plans the 3rd and 4th lines are cheap so it saved THEM a lot of money just staying on our plan).
My adult 22-year old college student daughter is still on our plan. When she wants more than 4 GB per month of data she can get her own plan. I'm hoping that will eventually drive her off to her own plan when she is out of college and earning her own $$$. At least that's the theory!
It's a good theory. :beer

texasdiver
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by texasdiver » Fri Mar 29, 2019 8:38 pm

jfn111 wrote:
Fri Mar 29, 2019 2:49 pm
texasdiver wrote:
Fri Mar 29, 2019 1:09 pm
jfn111 wrote:
Fri Mar 29, 2019 6:54 am
The problem with getting a kid a cell phone is it never ends. My daughter (36) and my son (33) are still on my plan. :shock:
(For many plans the 3rd and 4th lines are cheap so it saved THEM a lot of money just staying on our plan).
My adult 22-year old college student daughter is still on our plan. When she wants more than 4 GB per month of data she can get her own plan. I'm hoping that will eventually drive her off to her own plan when she is out of college and earning her own $$$. At least that's the theory!
It's a good theory. :beer
We are on a legacy plan through an employee discount from my wife's employer that gives us 26 GB shared per month (across 7 devices). So I allocate it out 4 GB per kid using Verizon Family Base and my wife and I use the rest on our phones and iPads. Two daughters hit their data limits about half way through the month every single month. The rest of us are fine including the middle child who barely uses data. It would be over $100 more per month to upgrade to an unlimited data plan and scrap our current plan. There is zero chance that will EVER happen just because the girls want to do more spotify when driving around and run out out data streaming music and updating instagram or snapchat on the road.

Some day she will have an actual job and get frustrated enough from the data throttling to buy her own plan.

dcw213
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by dcw213 » Mon Apr 01, 2019 6:47 pm

Wow - reading this thread caused me a great deal of anxiety. I am in my mid 30s so lived through the internet age as a minor but certainly did not grow up with it. Always accessible high speed WiFi wasn’t a thing until 2nd half of college. Most of my friends are not all that active on the social media (my younger sibling and all of his friends are another story).

I’ve always seen the pitfalls and have been generally confused about the direction of society in connection with technology and personal device and social media addiction. In recent years it has grown to mild unhappiness and more recently alarm! I am the parent of a 2 year old and can not imagine the state of affairs when he comes of age. I had thought that the high school years would be a challenge - but seeing here that it starts as early as 11 is making me feel ill.

I tried to start a conversation with my wife about it and she said it was so unnerving to think about that she wanted to put it out of mind until we clear other major challenges (potty training, sleep patterns - I thought this was a good idea). I can’t shake this thought though. I guess the only thing to do is hope that there will be more understanding of the negative impacts. I wholeheartedly agree that even many adults have had their lives and happiness impacted by the impacts - how can an adolescent expect to have a neutral experience? The idea of having to wage constant battle over this is depressing, especially considering how easy the workarounds will be. Welcome to 21st century parenting I guess?
Last edited by dcw213 on Mon Apr 01, 2019 7:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ponyboy
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by ponyboy » Mon Apr 01, 2019 6:53 pm

Have her install whatsapp, or something similar. She can connect to the wifi at your house...that way she can text/call all she wants without using any data/minutes/texts, etc etc. Her friends would also need the same app. For an 11 year old...that will suffice. They dont even need cell service.

Strayshot
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by Strayshot » Tue Apr 02, 2019 7:47 am

dcw213 wrote:
Mon Apr 01, 2019 6:47 pm
Wow - reading this thread caused me a great deal of anxiety. I am in my mid 30s so lived through the internet age as a minor but certainly did not grow up with it. Always accessible high speed WiFi wasn’t a thing until 2nd half of college. Most of my friends are not all that active on the social media (my younger sibling and all of his friends are another story).

I’ve always seen the pitfalls and have been generally confused about the direction of society in connection with technology and personal device and social media addiction. In recent years it has grown to mild unhappiness and more recently alarm! I am the parent of a 2 year old and can not imagine the state of affairs when he comes of age. I had thought that the high school years would be a challenge - but seeing here that it starts as early as 11 is making me feel ill.

I tried to start a conversation with my wife about it and she said it was so unnerving to think about that she wanted to put it out of mind until we clear other major challenges (potty training, sleep patterns - I thought this was a good idea). I can’t shake this thought though. I guess the only thing to do is hope that there will be more understanding of the negative impacts. I wholeheartedly agree that even many adults have had their lives and happiness impacted by the impacts - how can an adolescent expect to have a neutral experience? The idea of having to wage constant battle over this is depressing, especially considering how easy the workarounds will be. Welcome to 21st century parenting I guess?
I am right there with you! Like literally enough anxiety to not sleep some nights.

I am horribly anxious about the Instagram culture. No data is safe and sexting is rampant. A friend who teaches middle school described a confiscated phone and the contents of a text message chain between 6th graders who were all in competition over who could do a particular bodily activity better than others with data to prove it. Terrifying.

This thread has been a great read, I am getting prepared mentally to deal with getting a 6 year old a phone because peer pressure and FOMO in first grade is causing her too much stress. All the other kids will be more technically savvy because they will have had phones since preschool.......

Ugh.

corysold
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by corysold » Tue Apr 02, 2019 7:55 am

dcw213 wrote:
Mon Apr 01, 2019 6:47 pm
Wow - reading this thread caused me a great deal of anxiety. I am in my mid 30s so lived through the internet age as a minor but certainly did not grow up with it. Always accessible high speed WiFi wasn’t a thing until 2nd half of college. Most of my friends are not all that active on the social media (my younger sibling and all of his friends are another story).

I’ve always seen the pitfalls and have been generally confused about the direction of society in connection with technology and personal device and social media addiction. In recent years it has grown to mild unhappiness and more recently alarm! I am the parent of a 2 year old and can not imagine the state of affairs when he comes of age. I had thought that the high school years would be a challenge - but seeing here that it starts as early as 11 is making me feel ill.

I tried to start a conversation with my wife about it and she said it was so unnerving to think about that she wanted to put it out of mind until we clear other major challenges (potty training, sleep patterns - I thought this was a good idea). I can’t shake this thought though. I guess the only thing to do is hope that there will be more understanding of the negative impacts. I wholeheartedly agree that even many adults have had their lives and happiness impacted by the impacts - how can an adolescent expect to have a neutral experience? The idea of having to wage constant battle over this is depressing, especially considering how easy the workarounds will be. Welcome to 21st century parenting I guess?
21st century parenting has become "Be your kids best friend", which is about the worst way to parent in my opinion. The hardest thing as a parent is to tell your kid no, set boundaries and not worry if they are different than their peers because of it. But it's usually the best thing for the kid.

Phones are an external, visible sign of this culture, but it is hardly the biggest battle out there. Just remember that parenting is supposed to be hard and if your kid isn't upset with your decisions are certain points, you probably aren't doing it right.

basspond
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by basspond » Tue Apr 02, 2019 7:59 am

Parents give in to the everyone has it excuse. I used the same excuse when I was that age but my parents held fast. Taught me a lot about delayed gratification and making due with what you have. We put conditions on when they got their’s. They had to be 13, and either made straight A’s or was part of an real organization that had after school activities.

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jainn
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by jainn » Tue Apr 02, 2019 8:08 am

Quickfoot wrote:
Thu Mar 28, 2019 12:18 pm
IOS has exceptionall parentel controls called restrictions. You can configure it so they have a time limit, can't install apps without permissions, you can also configure it so they can't use built in apps such as safari, or even remove the app store all together. I also suggest disabling in app purchases so you don't wind up with a large bill from Apple.

All of our kids have iPhones with find my friends locked on so we can GPS them at any time, when they get grounded I remove the app store, safari, etc and all they are left with is phone call and text functionality.
+1

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jainn
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by jainn » Tue Apr 02, 2019 8:08 am

Quickfoot wrote:
Thu Mar 28, 2019 1:27 pm
Also institute a phone check policy, at any time you can say phone check and they hand you the phone and give you the unlock code. We also require them to tell us their unlock codes in advance and our finger prints / faces are added to the biometric unlock so we can unlock them at will.

No computing devices should be allowed in bedrooms, also no social media should be allowed. Kids simply do not need and cannot responsibly use social media (to be fair most adults can't either), it is the largest source of bullying, sexting and technology driven problems in middle and high schools. Our 15 year old isn't happy about not having social media but the other two kids couldn't care less.
+1000

nolesrule
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by nolesrule » Tue Apr 02, 2019 8:12 am

We use Norton Family for parental control on their tablets and my middle schooler's phone. Since it has an Android app, I'm tempted to see if it will work on the Chromebooks.

I can monitor how they are using the devices, what's being installed, how much time they are using specific apps, and can cut off use whenever I want. I receive notifications if they attempt to tamper with the parental controls. But it still allows emergency contact calls even when the device is locked out.

We also have the random device check policy.

JBTX
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Re: 11-year old with iPhone - advice on how best to manage?

Post by JBTX » Tue Apr 02, 2019 8:13 am

I agree with prepaid plan with limited phone time texts and data. Agree they will hate it. That is what we did through about 7th grade.

Also enforce the terms of service rules that don't allow kids on most social media until 13. Blame it on Zuckerberg et al.

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