Should I give more money to a family member?

Non-investing personal finance issues including insurance, credit, real estate, taxes, employment and legal issues such as trusts and wills
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Re: Should I give more money to a family member?

Post by CFM300 » Thu Mar 14, 2019 1:45 am

You might want to change your username.

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Re: Should I give more money to a family member?

Post by bltn » Thu Mar 14, 2019 5:52 am

As noted by skimming the above replies, there is not too much sympathy for your younger sister.

If you want to be generous, acoording to your father s wishes that you be reimbursed, simply divide the total money into thirds and give that portion to each of you. Explain to your sisters that you are not taking your intended reimbursement before dividing the inheritance. If your younger sister is unhappy with an equal share, that is her problem. She will probably always be resentful , even if you continue to give her financial aid.
Stop your aid to your sister. Maybe she can still learn about financial self reliance. Maybe not, but she s not your problem.
Last edited by bltn on Thu Mar 14, 2019 6:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Should I give more money to a family member?

Post by Juice3 » Thu Mar 14, 2019 5:52 am

jessikaur wrote:
Thu Mar 14, 2019 12:11 am
Juice3 wrote:
Wed Mar 13, 2019 5:12 pm
Are all your relationships this transactional in nature? That is sad.
obviously not, because then we wouldn't be having this problem. I would've just followed the will.
It is not obvious to me. I do not see acts in the best interest of the others. I do see where you and little sis are attempting to exert probably inappropriate levels of control.

[delete comment about estate / logistical concerns]

This is clearly not a financial question but rather a relationship question. This may not be the right / best place to seek advise.

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Re: Should I give more money to a family member?

Post by pennywise » Thu Mar 14, 2019 7:17 am

This is clearly not a financial question but rather a relationship question. This may not be the right / best place to seek advise.
When I am angry at someone about something they do or say or how they live their life it is often because deep down I'm upset at MYSELF and projecting it onto them.

Some of the OP's statements revolve around feeling resentful about working hard while others enjoy a life of leisure and luxury, at least comparatively. It might help to reframe the anger--perhaps what is fueling resentment is the awareness that your life isn't running the way you'd really like it to be. Working frantically at multiple jobs, feeling the stress of being the responsible sibling and family caretaker....BTDT as the saying goes. The times I've been most overwhelmed are also inevitably the times I've been most resentful of what seem to be other people's easy lives.

So the answer may be to fulfill the financial promise you made, then work on changing your own life so you feel more easy in your choices and less frantically overworked and exhausted by how your days, weeks and months unfold.

I strongly suspect you will find the better you feel, the less annoying your sisters will be to you. :wink:

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Re: Should I give more money to a family member?

Post by Jags4186 » Thu Mar 14, 2019 7:24 am

PalmQueen wrote:
Wed Mar 13, 2019 11:30 pm
DanMahowny wrote:
Wed Mar 13, 2019 4:30 pm
jessikaur wrote:
Wed Mar 13, 2019 10:53 am
Anyway, when he died, he left me everything, (except one other policy that he placed in my little sister's name) and a will that stated I should "reimburse" myself, then use the left over money and split it equally between the three of us sisters.
I would follow your father's instructions.
Your father left a will and it seems named you the Executor. As Executor, you're legally bound to distribute the assets according to the instructions in the will.

It sounds like you're not clear on the role of the Executor. There are many books and sites on the internet that list the responsibilities.

Once the assets have been distributed and the estate is closed, your share of the estate is yours to do with as you please. If this includes making a gift to anyone, be sure you follow the IRS gifting regulations.
If I understand the OPs follow ups correctly there was no estate and the $125k was paid out to OP from a life insurance policy. If that is the case the father’s written instructions about the life insurance proceeds matter zero. The OP has $125k. If she chooses to distribute that money that is her prerogative. This whole thing is a disaster.

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Re: Should I give more money to a family member?

Post by mxs » Thu Mar 14, 2019 7:44 am

I was in a similar situation recently and here are the details.

Sibling passed and had no will. I am acting as administrator for the estate. I have two living siblings and one predeceased sibling with three children, two of them minors.
The estate will likely have either no money or little money after bills are settled. Somewhere between $0 and $30k, we'll see how the medical bills and sale of a house turn out. Each sibling will receive 1/4 of the estate, and the nieces/nephew will receive 1/12 each.

Outside of the estate, there was a life insurance policy for close to $125k with myself as the sole named beneficiary. I told my siblings of this life insurance policy (which I did not have to) and told them I would give them each 1/3 of it. As soon as I received the money I wrote the checks to the siblings and gave them the money. The nieces and nephews are not receiving the money, that is how we decided to handle it. It is a weird situation, and I didn't have to do it, but you have to make a decision one way or the other and follow through with it.

Bottom line, let the estate handle itself, do not mix assets outside of the estate with assets/liabilities inside the estate, and follow through with whatever decisions you make as openly and honestly as possible.

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Re: Should I give more money to a family member?

Post by bottlecap » Thu Mar 14, 2019 7:50 am

OP, you had a long post and some of the math doesn't add up to me (it doesn't seem that the sisters received an "equal share").

But the problem seems to me that you "promised" money to your little sister, gave her part of her promised share, decided you didn't like how she spent it (despite what you've subsequently said), and withdrew your promise about the rest of it.

If I'm right, then you have a problem you created. Not to blame you - your heart was in the right place to begin with. And I completely understand about your feelings about not wanting the money after your Dad died and your feelings about how you were working hard when your sister was not.

What if you used the appropriate share to pay the grad school or pay off the student loans directly?


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Re: Should I give more money to a family member?

Post by LadyGeek » Thu Mar 14, 2019 8:15 am

This thread has run its course and is locked (relationship issues are off-topic, contentious). See: Acceptable Topics and Subforum Guidelines
This is an investing and personal finance forum. We also maintain a subforum that allow our members to discuss consumer goods and services and recreational activities. Anything else is considered "Off Topic" and is not acceptable on this forum.
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