reggiesimpson wrote: ↑Sat Feb 09, 2019 11:12 am
RickBoglehead wrote: ↑Sat Feb 09, 2019 9:31 am
We have two grown children, one married in Florida, one unmarried with a long relationship in California. We have zero desire to ever consider living in the same house, even if the living quarters were totally separate, with either of them. They need to have their own lives, and we ours. We'll visit, and more frequently once we retire in two years, but never live in the same house. We also don't have plans to live in the same state.
As noted in a recent post, the OP is going to proceed regardless of what anyone posts. I've never understood why people ask for opinions when they aren't going to act differently regardless. This is so fraught with issues - who gets to deduct property taxes, can any owner force a sale, how does insurance work, what happens if son or girlfriend are sued, and lose in court, what happens if no one wants to buy the house when it has to be sold because of lost job, how do you compel someone to sell a house, the list goes on.
As to eldercare, my in-laws went from house to independent living (forced by health) to assisted living. If OP is thinking his son and girlfriend are going to provide eldercare, ask yourself the question - "Who is going to wipe my rear end for me when I can't?" It's pretty blunt, but I can tell you that neither of my in-laws wanted either of us, nor did we, helping them with personal care. Nor did they want a caregiver doing it, but they knew they could no longer do it themselves.
I hope it works out for the OP and his family, but I see potential disaster written all over this.
A recent study asked the question of the newly retired "How many of you want to live near your children and how many do not?" 50% did and 50% did not. You are in the did nots and we are in the dids. Its literally that simple. I came to BH to get advice and am taking notes based on that advice. Just because i havent changed my mind to follow the major consensus of what we are doing is fraught with "disaster" should indicate to at least some that we have done our homework (readings, atty advice, discussions with our son and gf and many friends). BH is another avenue for additional advice. Thats all. I must say that i am rather dismayed at the lack of social glue that has been displayed. We are talking about family here. Thank you.
Interesting perspective the term "social glue". Clearly you and your wife have a different perspective that the majority of responders. The fact that someone chooses a career/locale that prevents them from buying a home is a lifestyle choice. My son in California can't buy a shack for the price of our large house in Michigan. He chose to take a job in California knowing that until his career progresses quite a bit, he won't be able to even consider buying. Or, he'll work 5 or so years, then take a job in a lower cost of living part of the country and buy then. To then go in and bail out his choice by paying for half his house changes the future - his path is now directed by your intervention. Big difference in handing a kid a downpayment and buying 1/2 of his house for him.
On the social side, there is a big difference between living near someone and having scheduled visits, and living with someone and always visiting. I want my kids to be able to lead their lives without thinking "oh crap, Mom and Dad are upstairs, I can't run around naked" or "if I buy X, they'll see the delivery truck and ask me what's up" or "can I go to every grandchild's soccer game".
We intentionally located outside the states that both sets of parents lived in. When my in-laws clearly were soon to need help, we moved back, locating close enough to get involved and far enough to let people live their lives. When it was necessary, we moved them to independent living close to us, and visited weekly. Then assisted living. Never consider moving them to our home.
Both went through dementia, one with Alzheimer's. If you've not lived that life, it's incredibly wearing on everyone. I would never wish a relative of mine to have to deal with that 24/7. One relative had to deal with that for many years, his choice to do it in his house, and he died 48 hours after his wife due to his mind and body being attacked by the constant pressure of it.
I'd second the perspective of having your son and his girlfriend read this thread. See how that impacts their decision on accepting this windfall.
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