New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

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Meg77
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by Meg77 » Fri Sep 28, 2018 12:45 pm

Here is what I would do. Open a joint checking account that you pay joint expenses from. This would include rent, utilities and other basic bills, but you should also allocate additional funds for meals out together, trips you take together, and so on. Whatever the total amount is that you think is fair to budget toward this each month, each of you should put the same PERCENTAGE of the total in there based on your income. So for example you should each put in 50% of your gross pay, or 70% of your gross pay, or whatever.

Retirement savings, expenses for kids, your debt payments and fun money for personal items (manicures, beers with the guys, etc) can all be paid from your separate accounts.
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FoolMeOnce
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by FoolMeOnce » Fri Sep 28, 2018 12:56 pm

I normally an put-off by the tend on this site to say, with only minor exaggeration, "you pay one dollar more than your partner? Run away!"

BUT, this one really seems like you need to talk finances with your girlfriend, and soon. It sounds like you are and will continue to be expected to carry the majority of the financial burden. You need to clarify whether this is accurate or whether she can meet in the middle, and then decide whether you are comfortable continuing the relationship with whatever outcome that conversation produces.

Mr.BB
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by Mr.BB » Fri Sep 28, 2018 1:26 pm

I think you are at a tipping point. In 2 months I assume she will be moving in with you and then that becomes a whole new set of rules. You are at a point in your relationship that you should be comfortable talking about anything. If you are not happy with the way your expenses are balanced, NOW is the time to talk. The fact that you both are close to the same salary level should make this an easy conversation. Have the talk now, and use the next few weeks to see how she responds to your feelings.
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Jazztonight
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by Jazztonight » Fri Sep 28, 2018 1:38 pm

This thread has been very painful for me to read.

I hope you, the OP, take the advice given to you. Otherwise, I see a sad future and probable expensive divorce for you.

Having gone through a divorce where I lost everything and was paying more in support than I earned, I vowed this would never happen again. I waited until I found a partner who understood fairness in finance. We've been together 35+ years and have never had finance-related arguments. Our separate child-related expenses remained that way. Other than gifts and special occasions, we share in the costs of housing, travel, and entertainment. We do not commingle our savings and investments, and as Meg advises, have a separate checking account for joint expenses. We also have a joint credit card for that purpose.

I have well-to-do friends in their 70s who still feel it necessary to "ask permission" of their partner if they want to purchase even a small item for themselves. This is so ludicrous to me. If I want to buy something for myself and I can afford it, I do it. Advice is not the same thing as "permission."

I wish you good luck, good judgement, and a good future. As my Uncle Ben once said, "Think with your brains instead of with your glands."
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Thegame14
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by Thegame14 » Fri Sep 28, 2018 1:42 pm

Meg77 wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 12:45 pm
Here is what I would do. Open a joint checking account that you pay joint expenses from. This would include rent, utilities and other basic bills, but you should also allocate additional funds for meals out together, trips you take together, and so on. Whatever the total amount is that you think is fair to budget toward this each month, each of you should put the same PERCENTAGE of the total in there based on your income. So for example you should each put in 50% of your gross pay, or 70% of your gross pay, or whatever.

Retirement savings, expenses for kids, your debt payments and fun money for personal items (manicures, beers with the guys, etc) can all be paid from your separate accounts.
+1

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GoldStar
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by GoldStar » Fri Sep 28, 2018 1:44 pm

JHU ALmuni wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 3:55 pm
She seems to expect me to pay for everything and things are adding up quickly. Is it fair to split expenses at this stage in our relationship?
Absolutely! Times have changed.
My daughters are both in their early twenties. They tell me that on a first date they offer to split but oftentimes the male offers and insists to pay the full bill. Then on the second date the male routinely seems to expect and accept splitting the check. One has been going out with a guy for nearly a year now. They split everything (sometimes by taking turns paying - sometimes splitting the check entirely).

MotoTrojan
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by MotoTrojan » Fri Sep 28, 2018 1:45 pm

I agree, lot of red flags. I’m asked to pay more and do, but I make twice as much as she does and am the one that pushes for expensive meals out.

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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by Jack FFR1846 » Fri Sep 28, 2018 1:53 pm

You would be well served to talk about future plans and expectations now. If her undisclosed plan is to move in, then marry, then stop working and let you take care of her, it would be better to find this out sooner than later.
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getthatmarshmallow
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by getthatmarshmallow » Fri Sep 28, 2018 2:10 pm

You know the phrase about what happens when you get world leaders in a room, you get the sum of their fears? When you ask Bogleheads about relationship finances, you get the sum(s) of their ex-wives.

I'm wondering if while you were dating you fell into the habit of always picking up the tab/treating her, and now that you've living together, you think that should naturally evolve into more of a partnership, especially given your similar circumstances and incomes. I think that's sensible, but remember from her perspective it's going to seem like she was dating this generous guy who suddenly is pinching pennies. (She could write a post and you'd get the sum of the ex-husbands.)

Only solution is to sit down and talk about how you want to handle finances. As you're living together, and make similar amounts of money, it makes sense to contribute equally to household expenses, and to treat big joint expenses (like a Disneyland vacation) as a joint responsibilities. But where the line is only has to make sense to the two of you.

mmmodem
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by mmmodem » Fri Sep 28, 2018 2:27 pm

DW and I are very old fashioned. She made more than me while we were dating yet we both expected me to pay for everything. I paid for all meals. I even paid for a cruise vacation for us. Right or wrong, that's how I was brought up. I'm fine with her paying for everything as well. But if my date wanted to go dutch, that's my clue she is not interested in me. And that goes both ways.

DW told me one time we went shopping together, she picked out a dress. She was very upset I didn't pay for the dress. I'm very glad she told me this after we were married as that would've been a big red flag while dating.

We've been married 10 years now and I know she isn't a gold digger. She's just more old fashioned than me in terms of the man always paying. I am fine by that. She's actually quite frugal and had more assets than me when we got married. I do draw the line at moving in together, though. If SO doesn't renew their lease and moves in with you, there better be a ring on someone's finger or a written rental agreement. I've seen enough Judge Judy to know that after 60 days, whether SO pays rent or not, SO becomes a tenant with the same rights as you do.

On the Disney vacation talk, it might not be splitting the costs that turned her off. I try not to always think in the worst possible way. It might be the discussion of money that turned her off. She's trying to plan a vacation with you and you turn it into a discussion about money. If I was making $100k, I wouldn't have an issue dropping $500 to go to Disneyland. If you think it's too expensive then fine, we don't go. No big deal. It could be as simple as this or it could be she wanted you to pay. You can decide how to you want to think of her.

Jags4186
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by Jags4186 » Fri Sep 28, 2018 2:31 pm

Take this advice from Apollo Creed...

https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/59778b90-7 ... 089756e08f

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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by Jags4186 » Fri Sep 28, 2018 2:33 pm

mmmodem wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 2:27 pm
On the Disney vacation talk, it might not be splitting the costs that turned her off. I try not to always think in the worst possible way. It might be the discussion of money that turned her off. She's trying to plan a vacation with you and you turn it into a discussion about money. If I was making $100k, I wouldn't have an issue dropping $500 to go to Disneyland. If you think it's too expensive then fine, we don't go. No big deal. It could be as simple as this or it could be she wanted you to pay. You can decide how to you want to think of her.
Unless they’re going to a day trip and brown baggin lunch, no Disney vacation costs $500. Thats $500x7 days at the park + 4 airfares + transportation to and from the park + hotels + extortion food prices.

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dm200
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by dm200 » Fri Sep 28, 2018 2:46 pm

My wife and I got together over 40 years ago. I generally paid for most things because I had a much higher income and a few years into marriage, she became a stay at home Mom.

stimulacra
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by stimulacra » Fri Sep 28, 2018 2:54 pm

mmmodem wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 2:27 pm
On the Disney vacation talk, it might not be splitting the costs that turned her off. I try not to always think in the worst possible way. It might be the discussion of money that turned her off. She's trying to plan a vacation with you and you turn it into a discussion about money. If I was making $100k, I wouldn't have an issue dropping $500 to go to Disneyland. If you think it's too expensive then fine, we don't go. No big deal. It could be as simple as this or it could be she wanted you to pay. You can decide how to you want to think of her.
Family trip to Disney World is about $4-5k on average. You can shave off some percentages if you are a rewards or loyalty member or have certain types of reward cards or stay at off-brand hotels but it's nowhere near the ballpark of $500.

Also spending $400/week eating out at restaurants is not sustainable as a family. That's more than 1/4 of OP's take home pay after taxes.

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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by Grt2bOutdoors » Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:21 pm

JHU ALmuni wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 5:03 pm
LiterallyIronic wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 4:53 pm
sport wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 4:44 pm
JHU ALmuni wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 4:34 pm
sailaway wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 4:26 pm


There should at least be a discussion of how the kids are treated, financially speaking. Do you consult each other before getting your own kid an expensive item, like an iPad? Much easier to discuss up front than after you come home and your daughter says "He got a great toy, can I have one?"

At least you have the younger kid and can easily say "he's older," but please don't say it unless you mean to get her something comparable in a couple of years. Some kids have astonishing memories for what matters to them!
Agree, recently she wanted to go to Disney and the tickets were about $500 for a day. I told her that's expensive. Maybe we can split the cost. She didn't seem excited and suddenly didn't care to go there anymore.
Maybe I'm too critical, but I see red flags here. Especially since she has a higher salary than you.
Wait, I interpreted the "she" wanted to go to Disney as OP's daughter, not OP's girlfriend. That OP wanted half of his daughter's ticket to come from her allowance. Which made perfect sense why she (daughter) would change her mind. But was it OP's girlfriend instead? Then that would be a huge red flag to me, too.
To clarify "she" = my girlfriend
Financially speaking, you both need to sit down and get on the same page. I didn’t read further than this post and I don’t know your age, but this has red flags all over it. At this stage in this there is no way I’d let her move in. Remember there is more here at stake than just the girlfriend, there are two young kids involved who don’t need any “financial” drama thrown into the mix.

Is your girlfriend paying alimony to her ex?
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by Grt2bOutdoors » Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:26 pm

GoldStar wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 1:44 pm
JHU ALmuni wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 3:55 pm
She seems to expect me to pay for everything and things are adding up quickly. Is it fair to split expenses at this stage in our relationship?
Absolutely! Times have changed.
My daughters are both in their early twenties. They tell me that on a first date they offer to split but oftentimes the male offers and insists to pay the full bill. Then on the second date the male routinely seems to expect and accept splitting the check. One has been going out with a guy for nearly a year now. They split everything (sometimes by taking turns paying - sometimes splitting the check entirely).
That’s ridiculous - the guy needs to stop being so cheap. If your daughter wants to treat now and then okay, but to split the bill everytime? Come on.....
"One should invest based on their need, ability and willingness to take risk - Larry Swedroe" Asking Portfolio Questions

likegarden
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by likegarden » Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:29 pm

In a discussion about sharing /splitting expenses you should also mention to her that your salary is lower and you are still paying off student loans.

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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by sailaway » Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:34 pm

likegarden wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:29 pm
In a discussion about sharing /splitting expenses you should also mention to her that your salary is lower and you are still paying off student loans.
I don't think student loans should come into the discussion, unless the discussion is about building a long term financial future together. Student loans should come out of personal spending.

My husband didn't contribute to my student loans until we got married, which was also about the same time that I quit my job and followed his career.

ETA: I mean they should be part of the discussion, but not a reason to contribute less.

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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by likegarden » Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:51 pm

sailaway : The OP's ability to share in expenses is limited by the fact that he earns less and that he still has to pay off his student loans. He simply can only share in expenses from what he has comfortably left over. Financial reality has to be understood by both partners in a household.

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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by dknightd » Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:53 pm

Have the money talk. The sooner you get that worked out the better. Talk about life goals as part of it.
My girlfriend (now wife) moved out of state with me many years ago. We had enough money to make it work for a few months. When we started running out of money I told her she really needed to find a job since I could not support both of us on a student pay. Next week she had a job and was pulling her share. More than her share sometimes. It has to be a team effort, and you have to be working toward the same goal. My $0.02

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GoldStar
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by GoldStar » Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:56 pm

Grt2bOutdoors wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:26 pm
GoldStar wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 1:44 pm
JHU ALmuni wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 3:55 pm
She seems to expect me to pay for everything and things are adding up quickly. Is it fair to split expenses at this stage in our relationship?
Absolutely! Times have changed.
My daughters are both in their early twenties. They tell me that on a first date they offer to split but oftentimes the male offers and insists to pay the full bill. Then on the second date the male routinely seems to expect and accept splitting the check. One has been going out with a guy for nearly a year now. They split everything (sometimes by taking turns paying - sometimes splitting the check entirely).
That’s ridiculous - the guy needs to stop being so cheap. If your daughter wants to treat now and then okay, but to split the bill everytime? Come on.....
LOL - if I say this to my daughter her reply would be "So you want me to date a male Chauvinist? No thanks".

At least we raised them to be independent.

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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by dknightd » Fri Sep 28, 2018 4:15 pm

GoldStar wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:56 pm

LOL - if I say this to my daughter her reply would be "So you want me to date a male Chauvinist? No thanks".

At least we raised them to be independent.
good for you!

michaeljc70
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by michaeljc70 » Fri Sep 28, 2018 4:32 pm

I haven't seen it mentioned, but do you pay child support? Does she (the gf) receive child support? That could tip the income difference even more.

Dottie57
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by Dottie57 » Fri Sep 28, 2018 4:38 pm

Grt2bOutdoors wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:26 pm
GoldStar wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 1:44 pm
JHU ALmuni wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 3:55 pm
She seems to expect me to pay for everything and things are adding up quickly. Is it fair to split expenses at this stage in our relationship?
Absolutely! Times have changed.
My daughters are both in their early twenties. They tell me that on a first date they offer to split but oftentimes the male offers and insists to pay the full bill. Then on the second date the male routinely seems to expect and accept splitting the check. One has been going out with a guy for nearly a year now. They split everything (sometimes by taking turns paying - sometimes splitting the check entirely).
That’s ridiculous - the guy needs to stop being so cheap. If your daughter wants to treat now and then okay, but to split the bill everytime? Come on.....
I do think it is reasonable, especially when both make about the same amount. Dating should not be a burden for anyone.

sailaway
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by sailaway » Fri Sep 28, 2018 5:16 pm

likegarden wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:51 pm
sailaway : The OP's ability to share in expenses is limited by the fact that he earns less and that he still has to pay off his student loans. He simply can only share in expenses from what he has comfortably left over. Financial reality has to be understood by both partners in a household.
Unless they are combining finances completely, his loans are his responsibility. That means they come out of his personal spending, not their joint expenses. That is why I edited to agree they should be part of the conversation, ie a reason not to move into a bigger house, where he wouldn't be able to pay his share.

FireProof
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by FireProof » Fri Sep 28, 2018 5:28 pm

Grt2bOutdoors wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:26 pm
GoldStar wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 1:44 pm
JHU ALmuni wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 3:55 pm
She seems to expect me to pay for everything and things are adding up quickly. Is it fair to split expenses at this stage in our relationship?
Absolutely! Times have changed.
My daughters are both in their early twenties. They tell me that on a first date they offer to split but oftentimes the male offers and insists to pay the full bill. Then on the second date the male routinely seems to expect and accept splitting the check. One has been going out with a guy for nearly a year now. They split everything (sometimes by taking turns paying - sometimes splitting the check entirely).
That’s ridiculous - the guy needs to stop being so cheap. If your daughter wants to treat now and then okay, but to split the bill everytime? Come on.....
If they've been dating for a year and make equal money, what would be the justification for one person to pay more? Maybe I'm too young to understand this attitude...

dknightd
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by dknightd » Fri Sep 28, 2018 5:38 pm

If you are living together, costs should be shared.

sailaway
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by sailaway » Fri Sep 28, 2018 5:42 pm

FireProof wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 5:28 pm
Grt2bOutdoors wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:26 pm
GoldStar wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 1:44 pm
JHU ALmuni wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 3:55 pm
She seems to expect me to pay for everything and things are adding up quickly. Is it fair to split expenses at this stage in our relationship?
Absolutely! Times have changed.
My daughters are both in their early twenties. They tell me that on a first date they offer to split but oftentimes the male offers and insists to pay the full bill. Then on the second date the male routinely seems to expect and accept splitting the check. One has been going out with a guy for nearly a year now. They split everything (sometimes by taking turns paying - sometimes splitting the check entirely).
That’s ridiculous - the guy needs to stop being so cheap. If your daughter wants to treat now and then okay, but to split the bill everytime? Come on.....
If they've been dating for a year and make equal money, what would be the justification for one person to pay more? Maybe I'm too young to understand this attitude...
I mean, I guess if she were earning 80% of his salary in the same job, then I could see requiring him to pay for his male privilege... But statistics don't usually work out that well on an individual level.

2pedals
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by 2pedals » Fri Sep 28, 2018 6:02 pm

JHU ALmuni wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 3:55 pm
My girlfriend partially moved in with me recently. She still has her place but her contract will be up in two months.
What does this exactly mean? Partially moved in? What did you and her agree to in this arrangement? Did she agree to move in so she does not have to continue paying for her rent? Did she agree to pay for anything?

So what if her contract will be up in two months, most contracts go into a month to month lease after the original contract.

She does not appear to be acting in "good faith" if she has not already offered to share expenses. I would partially move her out rather than trying to handle finances together at this point.

delamer
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by delamer » Fri Sep 28, 2018 6:23 pm

For now, you are an unattached person and you get to decide how you want to spend your money and what your financial priorities are.

Don’t become involved in a live-in relationship with anyone until you’ve come to an understanding with her about how joint expenses will be split and until she understands and supports your priorities.

Sometimes two people are too far apart on basic issues to make a relationship work. That may or may not be the case with you two, but don’t take that next step until you are comfortable.

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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by ColoRetiredGirl » Sat Sep 29, 2018 4:52 pm

JHU ALmuni wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 4:34 pm
sailaway wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 4:26 pm
JHU ALmuni wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 4:20 pm
sailaway wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 4:14 pm
It sounds like you each have a kid? Are they the same age?
Yes. My daughter is 7 and her son is 9.
There should at least be a discussion of how the kids are treated, financially speaking. Do you consult each other before getting your own kid an expensive item, like an iPad? Much easier to discuss up front than after you come home and your daughter says "He got a great toy, can I have one?"

At least you have the younger kid and can easily say "he's older," but please don't say it unless you mean to get her something comparable in a couple of years. Some kids have astonishing memories for what matters to them!
Agree, recently she wanted to go to Disney and the tickets were about $500 for a day. I told her that's expensive. Maybe we can split the cost. She didn't seem excited and suddenly didn't care to go there anymore.
This is telling. She makes more money, no debt, any child support? What is she doing with all her money? She should have offered to pay for the trip or at least half. You are looking more of a sugar daddy to me. Something is not right. Whatever number we are at…have a conversation before her lease is up.

gold99xx
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by gold99xx » Sat Sep 29, 2018 7:09 pm

Please address this NOW. Do not let this turn into death by a thousand cuts.

Easier said than done, but your future self will thank your current self.

UpperNwGuy
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by UpperNwGuy » Sat Sep 29, 2018 7:19 pm

gold99xx wrote:
Sat Sep 29, 2018 7:09 pm
Please address this NOW. Do not let this turn into death by a thousand cuts.

Easier said than done, but your future self will thank your current self.
Amen! I am frankly surprised that you are still with her. I say this as a divorced male who has been in similar situations and has resolved never to repeat such bad choices.

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dm200
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by dm200 » Sun Sep 30, 2018 11:56 am

No direct personal experience - BUT from years of observation - it is a LOT easier to prevent or delay someone moving in than to get him/her out after moving in.

likegarden
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by likegarden » Sun Sep 30, 2018 12:51 pm

Make sure you keep all your financial records and passwords secure, and review your accounts regularly, while your girl friend is living with you.

windrose
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by windrose » Sun Sep 30, 2018 1:53 pm

I agree with the majority here that you need to have a talk about this ASAP, but I'm not sure I agree that the result will be totally negative.

There are plenty on this board who are traditional, with one spouse as the bread winner, and the other, a SAH spouse, handling everything else. But even among those who are both working, and splitting things financially, some men are very comfortable with their partner handling much of the "everything else" category, especially when it has been the status quo in the relationship. That does not mean they will not step up to the plate when ASKED..but they will basically wait for instructions, and if they don't arrive....oh well.

In other words: not at all opposed to doing it, but not seeking it out, either, since that has been how things have worked so far. Your girlfriend may fall into this camp, except it is regarding finances vs. chores.

But on that note, when having the financial conversation, you should also discuss the "everything else" division. Who will shop and cook? Clean the house? Do laundry? Pay the bills/handle financial planning? Handle correspondence (sympathy/birthday cards, etc.) Manage the social calendar? Plan the kids birthday parties? Plan/shop/prepare/clean for major holiday dinners? Plan/book vacations? Deal with yard work and coordinate repairs/outside vendors? Care for pets, if any? Run the errands to the dry cleaner/drive the kids to activities? Paint interiors when needed? Wash/maintain the cars? What sort of things would you rather just outsource?

I think adding these things to the discussion will help manage both of your expectations.... and I'd even start with these so it does not seem like you are just focused on the money--it is all part of one big package. If you want her to pay half the bills, you should be prepared to take on half of this sort of thing.

Mr.BB
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by Mr.BB » Sun Sep 30, 2018 2:13 pm

I would hold off on moving in together for a while until this is resolved and shown to be resolved for a while; at least 6 months.
I think you have some serious issues here and moving in the together will just make it worse.

She should also respect the fact that you have serious concerns about the financial end of your relationship. If she doesn't respect that, there's even more underlining issues.
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."

johnz1001
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by johnz1001 » Sun Sep 30, 2018 3:20 pm

I would think about what I don't mind paying in addition or extra for having her in my life, and then think about what is too much. It seems like you care for her, and you don't mind maybe paying more than your fair share sometimes. But there is a point where it makes you uncomfortable and feels unfair.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to do more or pay more for her than she does for you and what's commensurable given your salaries. However, there's a point where it bothers you, too. You need to articulate that point to her and see where she stands. If she recoils and can't compromise, you are doing yourself a favor by not going forward because she's telling you she's not in it for you as a person.

inbox788
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by inbox788 » Sun Sep 30, 2018 7:08 pm

If you could afford it, you could keep paying for everything, but what is she doing with all her extra income? OP, do you have a trust or are you in an occupation where there's going to be big money? Would that or should that change things?
mmmodem wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 2:27 pm
If I was making $100k, I wouldn't have an issue dropping $500 to go to Disneyland.
If that was a one time thing, but if similar expenses are recurrent, then you might want to consider it in the context of a budget. The $100k is about $8k/month and maybe $5k/month after taxes, so that's 10% of a monthly after tax income. How does it compare to rent/mortgage and car payment? Savings and investments? For the month, if you were at a 10% savings rate, it would go to zero!

Yeah, you can probably afford anything around that range, just not everything.

ThePrince
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by ThePrince » Sun Sep 30, 2018 7:47 pm

OP, run and don’t get yourself and family in a situation like this again.

Achelois
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by Achelois » Mon Oct 01, 2018 8:40 am

JHU ALmuni wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 3:55 pm
My girlfriend partially moved in with me recently. She still has her place but her contract will be up in two months. We have two children from previous relationships. We go out eating few times a week and the bill is usually just under a hundred for the 4 of us. Plus sometimes if we at the mall and she likes something I end up paying for it. We both employed. I make 94K with some student loans and she makes 110K and debt free.

My question is how finances should be handled? She seems to expect me to pay for everything and things are adding up quickly. Is it fair to split expenses at this stage in our relationship? What's the best way to bring this up? I'm kinda new to dating since I was married for the past 10 years or so. :shock:
She seems to expect you to pay for things because you seem to have been paying for things. Many posters here have the impression that your lady friend is a golddigger; she may or may not be, I don’t know. I do think you need to examine your own behavior in this matter.

You are allowing/inviting someone to move in with you without having discussed finances and budget and other matters. How about division of chores?

How is it that you find yourself paying for things she likes at the mall? If you are doing this, that is on you, not her, as is paying for eating out frequently.

You should have had the Talk with her way before this. I hope you both can resolve this matter amicably and live happily ever after.

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wabbajack
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by wabbajack » Mon Oct 01, 2018 10:03 am

GoldStar wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:56 pm
Grt2bOutdoors wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:26 pm
GoldStar wrote:
Fri Sep 28, 2018 1:44 pm
JHU ALmuni wrote:
Thu Sep 27, 2018 3:55 pm
She seems to expect me to pay for everything and things are adding up quickly. Is it fair to split expenses at this stage in our relationship?
Absolutely! Times have changed.
My daughters are both in their early twenties. They tell me that on a first date they offer to split but oftentimes the male offers and insists to pay the full bill. Then on the second date the male routinely seems to expect and accept splitting the check. One has been going out with a guy for nearly a year now. They split everything (sometimes by taking turns paying - sometimes splitting the check entirely).
That’s ridiculous - the guy needs to stop being so cheap. If your daughter wants to treat now and then okay, but to split the bill everytime? Come on.....
LOL - if I say this to my daughter her reply would be "So you want me to date a male Chauvinist? No thanks".

At least we raised them to be independent.
Mid 20s male. I always pay the first one and expect her to get the second. That works about 50/50. I once had a woman insist on paying the first one. That made a lasting impression.

THY4373
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Re: New Relationship - Best way to handle finances?

Post by THY4373 » Mon Oct 01, 2018 11:12 am

OP I'll just join the chorus to have a completely frank discussion about finances with your girlfriend ASAP. The only right answer to this question is what works for the two of you assuming you can come to an agreement. Personally I see a lot of red flags here but then we are only getting one side of the story. If this is a truly a new relationship which to me means its duration is measured in months rather than years, I would slow things way down and look at maybe reevaluating the cost benefit of it. Good luck.

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