Losing friends/family when wealthy

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assistca1
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Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by assistca1 » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:00 pm

I am in my late 30's and have experiencing some hostility from friends/family due to what I perceive as jealousy. I drive modest vehicles and live in a small home. My job pays well working for the government, but does not appear to have such perception of high status. For most of my adult life, me and my wife have lived a frugal existence. We rarely ate out and saved most of our salaries. We have scrimped and saved, but also have invested heavily into our retirement accounts and rental real estate. While most of our peers were traveling and living it up, we lived with parents rent free. We did not have a wedding so that we were able to purchase our home, rental properties, and investments. We dress neatly, but never extravagantly. Most of our hobbies involve low cost activities such as hiking, going to the beach, and exercising. I noticed over the years that as we have gotten older, people have gotten less friendly with us. We have two children that are very smart, talented, and well adjusted. It appears that as we get older we have received more jealousy and negative attitudes toward us even though we have been increasingly more generous with others. It appears that the closest people such as friends and family members are more passive aggressive instead of being genuinely happy for our success. For those of you that have accumulated a high net worth from modest means, have you experienced a loss of friends/family?

KlangFool
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by KlangFool » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:06 pm

assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:00 pm
I am in my late 30's and have experiencing some hostility from friends/family due to what I perceive as jealousy. I drive modest vehicles and live in a small home. My job pays well working for the government, but does not appear to have such perception of high status. For most of my adult life, me and my wife have lived a frugal existence. We rarely ate out and saved most of our salaries. We have scrimped and saved, but also have invested heavily into our retirement accounts and rental real estate. While most of our peers were traveling and living it up, we lived with parents rent free. We did not have a wedding so that we were able to purchase our home, rental properties, and investments. We dress neatly, but never extravagantly. Most of our hobbies involve low cost activities such as hiking, going to the beach, and exercising. I noticed over the years that as we have gotten older, people have gotten less friendly with us. We have two children that are very smart, talented, and well adjusted. It appears that as we get older we have received more jealousy and negative attitudes toward us even though we have been increasingly more generous with others. It appears that the closest people such as friends and family members are more passive aggressive instead of being genuinely happy for our success. For those of you that have accumulated a high net worth from modest means, have you experienced a loss of friends/family?
assistca1,

<<For those of you that have accumulated a high net worth from modest means, have you experienced a loss of friends/family?>>

No. But, this does not help you since I am among the least wealthy and successful member of my friends and families. There is nothing to envy about us.

KlangFool

jumppilot
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by jumppilot » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:08 pm

As I've aged, I found I have less friends overall. I only have time for about 5 friends and everyone else has fallen by the wayside. I don't think it's related to your investments, as you seem to practice stealth wealth.

Correlation is not causation - it could just be the nature of things as we age.

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DaftInvestor
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by DaftInvestor » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:10 pm

assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:00 pm
I am in my late 30's and have experiencing some hostility from friends/family due to what I perceive as jealousy. I drive modest vehicles and live in a small home. My job pays well working for the government, but does not appear to have such perception of high status. For most of my adult life, me and my wife have lived a frugal existence. We rarely ate out and saved most of our salaries. We have scrimped and saved, but also have invested heavily into our retirement accounts and rental real estate. While most of our peers were traveling and living it up, we lived with parents rent free. We did not have a wedding so that we were able to purchase our home, rental properties, and investments. We dress neatly, but never extravagantly. Most of our hobbies involve low cost activities such as hiking, going to the beach, and exercising. I noticed over the years that as we have gotten older, people have gotten less friendly with us. We have two children that are very smart, talented, and well adjusted. It appears that as we get older we have received more jealousy and negative attitudes toward us even though we have been increasingly more generous with others. It appears that the closest people such as friends and family members are more passive aggressive instead of being genuinely happy for our success. For those of you that have accumulated a high net worth from modest means, have you experienced a loss of friends/family?
I don't follow you. You state that you are living life acting as if you have very modest income and yet fear your friends are leaving you due to a high networth? How on-earth would they know what your networth is?

I've experienced no loss but I am also very guarded about my networth and income. I never divulge that my mortgage is paid off nor what tax bracket I'm in, etc. Have you been divulging these things?

NotWhoYouThink
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by NotWhoYouThink » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:12 pm

No. But maybe it's not your money, maybe you come across as judgmental.
... modest vehicles and live in a small home...lived a frugal existence... scrimped and saved... While most of our peers were traveling and living it up, we lived with parents rent free... We did not have a wedding so that we were able...never extravagantly... two children that are very smart, talented, and well adjusted....increasingly more generous with others...?

student
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by student » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:12 pm

Can you give some examples of them being passive aggressive? I don't understand, you live a modest life. How do they know you are wealthy? Could it be simply that they drifted away because their interests are not the same as yours. For example, they want to spend money going to a spa and you don't.

123
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by 123 » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:13 pm

assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:00 pm
...though we have been increasingly more generous with others...
This is a somewhat unusual statement and perhaps related to the issue. Sometimes it's not a good idea to be generous in obvious ways. Sometimes individuals on the receiving end of generosity become hostile to the giver due to an implied situation of inferiority. Of course we don't know how this might apply in your situation. There is an old saying "No good deed goes unpunished".
The closest helping hand is at the end of your own arm.

assistca1
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by assistca1 » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:13 pm

For most of my life, people have perceived me and my family as the least wealthy and least successful. I was viewed by most of my family members as the one least likely to be successful. For most of my life, family/friends used to always treat me out because they perceived me as struggling. However, as I gotten older, it may be a shocking revelation that me and my family have amassed a relatively high net worth. Any thoughts about this?

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HueyLD
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by HueyLD » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:14 pm

Interesting problems.

You don’t lose real family or friends simply because you are wealthier than they are. There are some other factors at work that you may not be aware of.

assistca1
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by assistca1 » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:15 pm

Being generous like being available for listening and conversation. Attending family gatherings. Treating others for dinner. Always being available to help in any way.

Olemiss540
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by Olemiss540 » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:16 pm

You are going to have to be MUCH more specific as to why you "perceive" they are jealous. Most people I know "feel sorry" for me for not being able to live the high life and enjoy the moment. They DEFINATELY are not jealous that I live below my means and am frugal. Now, once I am retire and on a beach and they are working 60 hours a week, it may be another story. :D :D
I hold index funds because I do not overestimate my ability to pick stocks OR stock pickers.

student
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by student » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:18 pm

assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:13 pm
For most of my life, people have perceived me and my family as the least wealthy and least successful. I was viewed by most of my family members as the one least likely to be successful. For most of my life, family/friends used to always treat me out because they perceived me as struggling. However, as I gotten older, it may be a shocking revelation that me and my family have amassed a relatively high net worth. Any thoughts about this?
How would they know that you have high net worth? From your description, you are not flaunting it.

frugalecon
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by frugalecon » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:20 pm

assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:15 pm
Being generous like being available for listening and conversation. Attending family gatherings. Treating others for dinner. Always being available to help in any way.
Is the issue that your family/friends do not perceive what you offer as being "generous"? Is the yardstick that they are using rather the amount of cash that you direct to help people with specific needs (or wants)?

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VictoriaF
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by VictoriaF » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:22 pm

Friendships must be maintained, or they will die slow death.

If you did not have a wedding, you missed an opportunity to strengthen your friendships.
If you don't go out to eat, you are missing opportunities to socialize with your friends.
If you don't travel with your friends for vacations, you don't have common stories and adventures.
If you don't shop where your friends shop, you don't share tips and disappointments.

You have to participate in some of your friends activities, or make new friends whose goals and lifestyle are similar to yours.

Victoria
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123
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by 123 » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:29 pm

If things don't seem to work well when dealing with existing friends and family maybe it's simply time to diminish your involvement with them and move on to develop a new circle of friends (if you feel you need them).

If there are "cultural" issues that make it difficult to totally extricate yourself from involvement with family maybe the best solution is to make yourself less available. If something is readily available it often doesn't generate interest or sense of value.
The closest helping hand is at the end of your own arm.

dknightd
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by dknightd » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:44 pm

assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:00 pm
I am in my late 30's and have experiencing some hostility from friends/family due to what I perceive as jealousy.
...
For those of you that have accumulated a high net worth from modest means, have you experienced a loss of friends/family?
I doubt what you are perceiving is related to money.

I'm not sure what you are asking is related to Personal Finance.

If you are concerned about it, maybe ask one of them. Maybe somebody you still like and trust, and who you think still likes you. You might just be being paranoid. Or you might have done something that somebody did not like.

Funny, now that you mention it most of my family started modest and is doing just fine financially. Same with most of my friends.

Riley15
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by Riley15 » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:45 pm

assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:00 pm
I am in my late 30's and have experiencing some hostility from friends/family due to what I perceive as jealousy. I drive modest vehicles and live in a small home. My job pays well working for the government, but does not appear to have such perception of high status. For most of my adult life, me and my wife have lived a frugal existence. We rarely ate out and saved most of our salaries. We have scrimped and saved, but also have invested heavily into our retirement accounts and rental real estate. While most of our peers were traveling and living it up, we lived with parents rent free. We did not have a wedding so that we were able to purchase our home, rental properties, and investments. We dress neatly, but never extravagantly. Most of our hobbies involve low cost activities such as hiking, going to the beach, and exercising. I noticed over the years that as we have gotten older, people have gotten less friendly with us. We have two children that are very smart, talented, and well adjusted. It appears that as we get older we have received more jealousy and negative attitudes toward us even though we have been increasingly more generous with others. It appears that the closest people such as friends and family members are more passive aggressive instead of being genuinely happy for our success. For those of you that have accumulated a high net worth from modest means, have you experienced a loss of friends/family?

It seems you may be viewing others through your lens of net worth which could be the only lens you have. Perhaps your friends and family may give higher priority to other aspects of life. They may feel you have been alienating them for years and years and it seems you have come to the conclusion that it's only because of higher net worth they are avoiding you. They may have events in their life unrelated to money that could have changed them.

JBTX
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by JBTX » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:50 pm

assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:13 pm
For most of my life, people have perceived me and my family as the least wealthy and least successful. I was viewed by most of my family members as the one least likely to be successful. For most of my life, family/friends used to always treat me out because they perceived me as struggling. However, as I gotten older, it may be a shocking revelation that me and my family have amassed a relatively high net worth. Any thoughts about this?
I still don’t understand. How do they know that you are so “wealthy”? You say they’d be shocked to find your are wealthy but yet you think they are treating you badly because you are wealthy.

Color me confused.

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Artsdoctor
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by Artsdoctor » Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:55 pm

People can be very intuitive. I'm going to guess that you might be in a spiral here. Even though your words may not have been memorable or obvious, perhaps your actions sent mixed messages to certain family members or friends. Jealously is a common human trait and I wouldn't underestimate the importance of recognizing that. You may also be feeding this by trying to be more generous, which is a paradox.

As your wealth grows, you will inevitably elicit jealously in more people, and you'll become pretty good as picking up on this. To some extent, this is inevitable but you can be empathetic to some extent by not playing the superiority card, even subtly. You'd do well to avoid people who have a strong jealousy trait, although for people whom you'll be forced to stay in contact with, it's best to just be sympathetic to their feelings and let it roll off your back. There is some truth to the cliche that "misery loves company" and if you're not miserable, you might find a certain amount of drift; however, this is generally a good thing as time goes on.

ponyboy
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by ponyboy » Thu Mar 22, 2018 5:00 pm

I dont think it has anything to do with your wealth...since you're in the stealth wealth category.

As you get older you have different priorities in life. Im 35 and I can already see my once really close friends arent as close anymore. We try to get together once every 2 months or so. The issue is we're just all busy. No one cares who has what or what one person makes.

dknightd
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by dknightd » Thu Mar 22, 2018 5:00 pm

123 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:29 pm
If something is readily available it often doesn't generate interest or sense of value.
That could be. Maybe the OP should move out of state. Then when they visit it is more of a special occasion ;)
When I go visit my family, my wife says they fete me. Maybe becuase it is only once a year or so?

One thing I noticed is that when I had kids my relationship with friends who did not have kids changed.
I think this is because I was concentrating more of my efforts on my kids. Which I think is natural.
When my kids were young we spent more time with parents of like aged kids. Some of them have
become friends. Now that our kids are grown up we have grown closer again with some of the people who never had kids.

Life is a merry go round. Relationships with friends and family change over time.

Most government agencies have an employee assistance program in the HR department. If this really bothers you you might want to talk to one of their professionals.

But I'd just consider it part of the web and flow of life.

thegoogly
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by thegoogly » Thu Mar 22, 2018 5:01 pm

VictoriaF wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:22 pm
Friendships must be maintained, or they will die slow death.

If you did not have a wedding, you missed an opportunity to strengthen your friendships.
If you don't go out to eat, you are missing opportunities to socialize with your friends.
If you don't travel with your friends for vacations, you don't have common stories and adventures.
If you don't shop where your friends shop, you don't share tips and disappointments.

You have to participate in some of your friends activities, or make new friends whose goals and lifestyle are similar to yours.

Victoria
Excellent tips !!!

Good Listener
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by Good Listener » Thu Mar 22, 2018 5:02 pm

I think it is something else. And nobody I know, including me, would expect somebody on a government salary to be rather wealthy while still in the 30s.

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whodidntante
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by whodidntante » Thu Mar 22, 2018 5:03 pm

I don't think it is normal for someone in their late 30s to have lots of friends, unless you are the founder of a cult.

Nate79
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by Nate79 » Thu Mar 22, 2018 5:09 pm

Very strange.

letsgobobby
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by letsgobobby » Thu Mar 22, 2018 5:09 pm

assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:00 pm
I am in my late 30's and have experiencing some hostility from friends/family due to what I perceive as jealousy. I drive modest vehicles and live in a small home. My job pays well working for the government, but does not appear to have such perception of high status. For most of my adult life, me and my wife have lived a frugal existence. We rarely ate out and saved most of our salaries. We have scrimped and saved, but also have invested heavily into our retirement accounts and rental real estate. While most of our peers were traveling and living it up, we lived with parents rent free. We did not have a wedding so that we were able to purchase our home, rental properties, and investments. We dress neatly, but never extravagantly. Most of our hobbies involve low cost activities such as hiking, going to the beach, and exercising. I noticed over the years that as we have gotten older, people have gotten less friendly with us. We have two children that are very smart, talented, and well adjusted. It appears that as we get older we have received more jealousy and negative attitudes toward us even though we have been increasingly more generous with others. It appears that the closest people such as friends and family members are more passive aggressive instead of being genuinely happy for our success. For those of you that have accumulated a high net worth from modest means, have you experienced a loss of friends/family?
Maybe it's not your MONEY but your sanctiMONEY.

delamer
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by delamer » Thu Mar 22, 2018 5:17 pm

JBTX wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:50 pm
assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:13 pm
For most of my life, people have perceived me and my family as the least wealthy and least successful. I was viewed by most of my family members as the one least likely to be successful. For most of my life, family/friends used to always treat me out because they perceived me as struggling. However, as I gotten older, it may be a shocking revelation that me and my family have amassed a relatively high net worth. Any thoughts about this?
I still don’t understand. How do they know that you are so “wealthy”? You say they’d be shocked to find your are wealthy but yet you think they are treating you badly because you are wealthy.

Color me confused.
I share in the confusion.

You think they are jealous, but say that you live modestly and that they don’t know how much wealth you have accumulated.

So what would they be jealous about? While I agree with Artsdoctor that people can intuit some things, to think they are treating you differently — without any obvious changes in your attitude/behavior — seems a stretch. So you may be putting out an attitude that you don’t realize.
Last edited by delamer on Thu Mar 22, 2018 5:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

denovo
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by denovo » Thu Mar 22, 2018 5:24 pm

dknightd wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:44 pm
assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:00 pm
I am in my late 30's and have experiencing some hostility from friends/family due to what I perceive as jealousy.
...
For those of you that have accumulated a high net worth from modest means, have you experienced a loss of friends/family?
I doubt what you are perceiving is related to money.

I'm not sure what you are asking is related to Personal Finance.

If you are concerned about it, maybe ask one of them. Maybe somebody you still like and trust, and who you think still likes you. You might just be being paranoid. Or you might have done something that somebody did not like.

Funny, now that you mention it most of my family started modest and is doing just fine financially. Same with most of my friends.

+1
"Don't trust everything you read on the Internet"- Abraham Lincoln

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MikeWillRetire
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by MikeWillRetire » Thu Mar 22, 2018 5:40 pm

VictoriaF wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:22 pm
Friendships must be maintained, or they will die slow death.

If you did not have a wedding, you missed an opportunity to strengthen your friendships.
If you don't go out to eat, you are missing opportunities to socialize with your friends.
If you don't travel with your friends for vacations, you don't have common stories and adventures.
If you don't shop where your friends shop, you don't share tips and disappointments.

You have to participate in some of your friends activities, or make new friends whose goals and lifestyle are similar to yours.

Victoria
Very nice post!

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Doom&Gloom
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by Doom&Gloom » Thu Mar 22, 2018 5:46 pm

MikeWillRetire wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 5:40 pm
VictoriaF wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:22 pm
Friendships must be maintained, or they will die slow death.

If you did not have a wedding, you missed an opportunity to strengthen your friendships.
If you don't go out to eat, you are missing opportunities to socialize with your friends.
If you don't travel with your friends for vacations, you don't have common stories and adventures.
If you don't shop where your friends shop, you don't share tips and disappointments.

You have to participate in some of your friends activities, or make new friends whose goals and lifestyle are similar to yours.

Victoria
Very nice post!
+2

It ain't your wealth.

I don't know what it is, but the reason lies elsewhere.

jminv
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by jminv » Thu Mar 22, 2018 5:52 pm

People can become strange even over small differences in perceived wealth or personal success. It seems that you have relatively attractive jobs (many others can have less attractive jobs than you) and you have a property portfolio (many only have the house they live in or just rent). It also seems that you might offer advice or your opinion along with charity of some sort. I would stop that or realize that this is probably where the issue lies.

I have had some resentfulness from friends and family over my travels which is the only outward sign that I am wealthy. Otherwise, I am frugal. I wish my wife wouldn't share photos of our trips and what we do through social media...I'm still working on that. Don't update friends and family on what you're doing in much detail.

You could also choose wealthier friends. Then you'll have the possibility of feeling jealous of them. I have experience with this through my wife but often the people that appear to be wealthier either have family money or are spending everything they earn and saving nothing.

In general, I try not to care what any one else thinks of me. If they're jealous, that's their problem. Try not to flaunt your success too much, though.

bogglizer
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by bogglizer » Thu Mar 22, 2018 6:19 pm

If you think that your friend and family are jealous, it can only be because you let them know you were wealthy. Why did you do that?

crazygrow
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by crazygrow » Thu Mar 22, 2018 6:20 pm

Some pertinent points written in other posts but one personal experience. My wife and I enjoy socializing - just being with people whether it is at McDonalds or a fancy place. One of her siblings is quite well off but extraordinarily frugal and won't spend any money to spend time with people. It has to be on their couch at their home (so they don't waste any gas money) and they want to be reimbursed for food consumed at their home. Yea, that bad. They live in a low COL area making well into the six figures.

As expected, they have slowly become lonelier and lonelier over time.

The funny thing is when they came and stayed in our house for two weeks, not one offer to reimburse us for the food they and their five teenage age kids ate... In our opinion, having them there was reimbursement enough, so we didn't bring it up.

tmcc
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by tmcc » Thu Mar 22, 2018 6:25 pm

crazygrow wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 6:20 pm
Some pertinent points written in other posts but one personal experience. My wife and I enjoy socializing - just being with people whether it is at McDonalds or a fancy place. One of her siblings is quite well off but extraordinarily frugal and won't spend any money to spend time with people. It has to be on their couch at their home (so they don't waste any gas money) and they want to be reimbursed for food consumed at their home. Yea, that bad. They live in a low COL area making well into the six figures.

As expected, they have slowly become lonelier and lonelier over time.

The funny thing is when they came and stayed in our house for two weeks, not one offer to reimburse us for the food they and their five teenage age kids ate... In our opinion, having them there was reimbursement enough, so we didn't bring it up.
you should have presented an invoice at the end of the stay :D

rec7
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by rec7 » Thu Mar 22, 2018 7:53 pm

assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:00 pm
I am in my late 30's and have experiencing some hostility from friends/family due to what I perceive as jealousy. I drive modest vehicles and live in a small home. My job pays well working for the government, but does not appear to have such perception of high status. For most of my adult life, me and my wife have lived a frugal existence. We rarely ate out and saved most of our salaries. We have scrimped and saved, but also have invested heavily into our retirement accounts and rental real estate. While most of our peers were traveling and living it up, we lived with parents rent free. We did not have a wedding so that we were able to purchase our home, rental properties, and investments. We dress neatly, but never extravagantly. Most of our hobbies involve low cost activities such as hiking, going to the beach, and exercising. I noticed over the years that as we have gotten older, people have gotten less friendly with us. We have two children that are very smart, talented, and well adjusted. It appears that as we get older we have received more jealousy and negative attitudes toward us even though we have been increasingly more generous with others. It appears that the closest people such as friends and family members are more passive aggressive instead of being genuinely happy for our success. For those of you that have accumulated a high net worth from modest means, have you experienced a loss of friends/family?
I have found out in this day and age people are very jealous. I have seen people jealous of folks that own a 100k house. I think I deal with some of the stuff you do. I am single. My relatives tell me that I will be putting them in my will. Their behavior has not earned this quiet the opposite. The relationship is not good and I don't go around them. Be thankful you have your own family.
Last edited by rec7 on Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by Fallible » Thu Mar 22, 2018 8:26 pm

assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:00 pm
...
It appears that the closest people such as friends and family members are more passive aggressive instead of being genuinely happy for our success. For those of you that have accumulated a high net worth from modest means, have you experienced a loss of friends/family?
If you think they are jealous of your "success" and "high net worth," then this would seem to mean that you have been somehow communicating these achievements to them. This is the only explanation I can see for their reactions, assuming you are reading their reactions correctly. Is it possible that you have been somehow letting them know of your wealth and success without meaning to? What exactly are they saying to you that indicates jealousy?
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FrugalInvestor
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by FrugalInvestor » Thu Mar 22, 2018 8:33 pm

Fallible wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 8:26 pm
assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:00 pm
...
It appears that the closest people such as friends and family members are more passive aggressive instead of being genuinely happy for our success. For those of you that have accumulated a high net worth from modest means, have you experienced a loss of friends/family?
If you think they are jealous of your "success" and "high net worth," then this would seem to mean that you have been somehow communicating these achievements to them. This is the only explanation I can see for their reactions, assuming you are reading their reactions correctly. Is it possible that you have been somehow letting them know of your wealth and success without meaning to? What exactly are they saying to you that indicates jealousy?
This was my thought as well. Based on your description of how you live well beneath your means how would others know of your high net worth unless you had communicated it in some other way?
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by Sagefemme » Thu Mar 22, 2018 8:36 pm

I'm curious, what type of generosity are you talking about that you have shown to others? Might you have offended someone with that generosity?

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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by jackietreehorn » Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:01 pm

VictoriaF wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:22 pm
Friendships must be maintained, or they will die slow death.

If you did not have a wedding, you missed an opportunity to strengthen your friendships.
If you don't go out to eat, you are missing opportunities to socialize with your friends.
If you don't travel with your friends for vacations, you don't have common stories and adventures.
If you don't shop where your friends shop, you don't share tips and disappointments.

You have to participate in some of your friends activities, or make new friends whose goals and lifestyle are similar to yours.

Victoria
Victoria, I agree with some other posters upstream about your post. :thumbsup.

I think you’re one of the most intellectually gifted members on this forum, and I enjoy reading your posts.

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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by michaeljc70 » Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:16 pm

HueyLD wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:14 pm
Interesting problems.

You don’t lose real family or friends simply because you are wealthier than they are. There are some other factors at work that you may not be aware of.
They say they have two small children. Often children change friendships. Especially if the friends have no children. But I agree it is something else or the OP isn't acting/living as modestly as they think.

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randomizer
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by randomizer » Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:18 pm

Not yet, but perhaps my net worth isn't high enough yet to say. :D
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by anonsdca » Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:21 pm

jackietreehorn wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:01 pm
VictoriaF wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:22 pm
Friendships must be maintained, or they will die slow death.

If you did not have a wedding, you missed an opportunity to strengthen your friendships.
If you don't go out to eat, you are missing opportunities to socialize with your friends.
If you don't travel with your friends for vacations, you don't have common stories and adventures.
If you don't shop where your friends shop, you don't share tips and disappointments.

You have to participate in some of your friends activities, or make new friends whose goals and lifestyle are similar to yours.

Victoria
Victoria, I agree with some other posters upstream about your post. :thumbsup.

I think you’re one of the most intellectually gifted members on this forum, and I enjoy reading your posts.
Agree, I was thinking the same (as what Victoria said). The flip side tho, is to go out and find friends that DO what you like. That is easier said than done tho. Hard to know what is happening here so pointless to speculate in my view. Agree also, its not about net worth if they are stealth wealth.

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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by Katietsu » Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:33 pm

anonsdca wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:21 pm
jackietreehorn wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:01 pm
VictoriaF wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:22 pm
Friendships must be maintained, or they will die slow death.

If you did not have a wedding, you missed an opportunity to strengthen your friendships.
If you don't go out to eat, you are missing opportunities to socialize with your friends.
If you don't travel with your friends for vacations, you don't have common stories and adventures.
If you don't shop where your friends shop, you don't share tips and disappointments.

You have to participate in some of your friends activities, or make new friends whose goals and lifestyle are similar to yours.

Victoria
Victoria, I agree with some other posters upstream about your post. :thumbsup.

I think you’re one of the most intellectually gifted members on this forum, and I enjoy reading your posts.
Agree, I was thinking the same (as what Victoria said). The flip side tho, is to go out and find friends that DO what you like. That is easier said than done tho. Hard to know what is happening here so pointless to speculate in my view. Agree also, its not about net worth if they are stealth wealth.
Agree with all this. Some of the frugality may have gotten in the way of friendships. And possibly to take it a step further, if these friends and family now realize that the OP skipped attending weddings and birthday parties or bringing socially expected gifts, allowed others to treat the OP for dinner thinking OP couldn’t afford it, and such while OP was accumulating wealth, the friends and family may be put off.

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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by 10YearPlan » Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:37 pm

For most of my life, family/friends used to always treat me out because they perceived me as struggling.

My guess this is the issue. You allowed friends and family to treat you when you had the money? If that's the case, and somehow now they know that all this time you were just hoarding the money, well...they have every right to be ticked.
student wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:18 pm
assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:13 pm
For most of my life, people have perceived me and my family as the least wealthy and least successful. I was viewed by most of my family members as the one least likely to be successful. For most of my life, family/friends used to always treat me out because they perceived me as struggling. However, as I gotten older, it may be a shocking revelation that me and my family have amassed a relatively high net worth. Any thoughts about this?
How would they know that you have high net worth? From your description, you are not flaunting it.

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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by Grt2bOutdoors » Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:43 pm

VictoriaF wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:22 pm
Friendships must be maintained, or they will die slow death.

If you did not have a wedding, you missed an opportunity to strengthen your friendships.
If you don't go out to eat, you are missing opportunities to socialize with your friends.
If you don't travel with your friends for vacations, you don't have common stories and adventures.
If you don't shop where your friends shop, you don't share tips and disappointments.

You have to participate in some of your friends activities, or make new friends whose goals and lifestyle are similar to yours.

Victoria
It cuts both ways, one can not be expected to shoulder the burdens of doing the maintaining. Both parties must make a concerted effort to grease the wheels of the friendship otherwise it will simply disappear and die a natural death.
"One should invest based on their need, ability and willingness to take risk - Larry Swedroe" Asking Portfolio Questions

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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by LarryAllen » Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:48 pm

assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:00 pm
I am in my late 30's and have experiencing some hostility from friends/family due to what I perceive as jealousy. I drive modest vehicles and live in a small home. My job pays well working for the government, but does not appear to have such perception of high status. For most of my adult life, me and my wife have lived a frugal existence. We rarely ate out and saved most of our salaries. We have scrimped and saved, but also have invested heavily into our retirement accounts and rental real estate. While most of our peers were traveling and living it up, we lived with parents rent free. We did not have a wedding so that we were able to purchase our home, rental properties, and investments. We dress neatly, but never extravagantly. Most of our hobbies involve low cost activities such as hiking, going to the beach, and exercising. I noticed over the years that as we have gotten older, people have gotten less friendly with us. We have two children that are very smart, talented, and well adjusted. It appears that as we get older we have received more jealousy and negative attitudes toward us even though we have been increasingly more generous with others. It appears that the closest people such as friends and family members are more passive aggressive instead of being genuinely happy for our success. For those of you that have accumulated a high net worth from modest means, have you experienced a loss of friends/family?
Sounds like YOU are telling yourself stories in my opinion. You are a government worker. There is no government worker, other than a few public university sports coaches, who are "wealthy" because of their job. Even the prez only makes a few hundred at the white house. You aren't wealthy. There is nothing to be jealous of. Just live your live, be nice to people, and I am sure everything will work out great. I make a lot of money at work, I inherited too much money, and all of my friends are exactly the same as they have been for as long as I can recall. I truly think you are making up stories. Maybe it's something else besides your "wealth!?" Just my two cents.

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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by ClevrChico » Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:58 pm

Once kids enter the picture, most everyone gets overwhelmed. I'm very happy if I get an hour of downtime a day.

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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by BolderBoy » Thu Mar 22, 2018 10:12 pm

assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:00 pm
It appears that as we get older we have received more jealousy and negative attitudes toward us even though we have been increasingly more generous with others. It appears that the closest people such as friends and family members are more passive aggressive instead of being genuinely happy for our success. For those of you that have accumulated a high net worth from modest means, have you experienced a loss of friends/family?
Real friends won't behave toward you like that. Sounds like they are self-selecting to be banished from your lives. No real loss there. Family members who would do that to you likewise can become estranged. No big deal.

No one really has more than just a very, very few close friends (or family).

Oh, and your generosity is poorly placed. Quit being "generous" with these people. That alone can engender folks to despise you.
"Never underestimate one's capacity to overestimate one's abilities" - The Dunning-Kruger Effect

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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by Grt2bOutdoors » Thu Mar 22, 2018 10:14 pm

BolderBoy wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 10:12 pm
assistca1 wrote:
Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:00 pm
It appears that as we get older we have received more jealousy and negative attitudes toward us even though we have been increasingly more generous with others. It appears that the closest people such as friends and family members are more passive aggressive instead of being genuinely happy for our success. For those of you that have accumulated a high net worth from modest means, have you experienced a loss of friends/family?
Real friends won't behave toward you like that. Sounds like they are self-selecting to be banished from your lives. No real loss there. Family members who would do that to you likewise can become estranged. No big deal.

No one really has more than just a very, very few close friends (or family).

Oh, and your generosity is poorly placed. Quit being "generous" with these people. That alone can engender folks to despise you.
Yes, eventually they will wake up and realize they took the OP for granted, maybe?
"One should invest based on their need, ability and willingness to take risk - Larry Swedroe" Asking Portfolio Questions

masha12
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Re: Losing friends/family when wealthy

Post by masha12 » Thu Mar 22, 2018 11:02 pm

How much do you talk about how "smart, talented and well-adjusted" your children are? I have slowly drifted away from friends who like to talk about smart and talented their kids are.

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