Play Money for Spouse....

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JDCarpenter
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by JDCarpenter »

RudyS wrote:
hoops777 wrote:Personally I just do not this thread at all.My wife is an intelligent adult and she will make reasonable decisions on what she spends and I do the same.We do not need an allowance or a spending budget because we use common sense.We have never once had an argument over spending money and have never even thought of having rules about it.To each their own I guess.
Been following this all along. hoops 777 finally came up with a scenario similar to ours! Married for 56 happy years [all of them - LOL] and just don't have an issue. For a while we did separate accounts but that didn't do anything so we gave up. Technically she has a bank account and so so I. But both are joint accounts. We are just all in together!
I don't get a lot of things on other couples' spending/finance stuff. I know what works for us (35+ years with no arguments over money or anything else...), but in no way believe that everyone else is the same. Our "common sense" isn't the same as others, nor are our incomes, spending, and planning horizon. My personal opinion is that if a couple is on the same page and communicates, they are better shape than most.

(These type of threads are interesting though; we never get into this level of detail with people in real life!)
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mak1277
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by mak1277 »

A couple different people have mentioned identity theft and/or stolen credit card numbers...which leads me to ask: Has anyone had a credit card number stolen and identified the situation *before* your credit card company? My wife and I have had our cards compromised 5 or 6 times over the past decade, and EVERY SINGLE TIME the CC company identified it immediately...days or weeks before we would have seen a statement.

My point being - I think "fraud monitoring" is a flimsy reason for micro-managing a spouse's spending.
mak1277
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by mak1277 »

s0me0nesmind1 wrote:
Carefreeap wrote:
s0me0nesmind1 wrote:I like to see anything that goes in or goes out of my finances. The request that it be cash via ATM withdraw is a red flag from me.

I don't critique every purchase my wife makes - I just want to see it so I know it's a valid purchase and that it is a valid amount. I don't hold anything against her if she wants to get her nails done from time to time. Now if she made it an "Every week" thing, then yes, I would have a problem with that...

As far as purchases, go ahead, I hold nothing against my wife. I just ask that she talk to me first because I'm usually very helpful on ways to reduce the costs (finding a site with a lower cost, using the correct credit card to get Cashback, and using a cashback website in combination). I find it better in relationships when you don't have to hide things... To each their own though.
Lol, what you call "helpful" I would call "micro-managing".
Wanting to know where every dollar goes is micro managing? I suppose, in regards to the money.

I think I need to clearly distinguish that I seek to micro manage finances - not my DW's expenses and what she is purchasing. Not paying attention to individual transactions can be the difference between identifying identity theft before it happens - or seeing you are a victim after it's already occurred down the road.

Either way, my DW has multiple credit cards - many of which I signed her up for to get sign-on bonus'. I slap labels on them to let her know which ones give 5% Cashback for certain categories. She spends on whatever she needs/wants, and I make sure the bill is paid at the end of the month. If I see an oddball charge, I'll ask her just to double check that it's hers. Maybe it's a gift for me. I don't care about the details, I just want to make sure it's hers.

Everyone has their own ways, and I can definitely say this has worked for us. To each their own. :sharebeer

(Part of it probably comes from my accountant background :D )
I suspect that the nature of internet postings is leading you to be misinterpreted. Because the situation you describe makes it sound like you treat your wife like a child...clearly that can't be the case, right?

Don't give accountants a bad name...you need to apply materiality to all situations!!
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JDCarpenter
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by JDCarpenter »

mak1277 wrote:A couple different people have mentioned identity theft and/or stolen credit card numbers...which leads me to ask: Has anyone had a credit card number stolen and identified the situation *before* your credit card company? ....
Yes. (And not just in the distant past.) Granted, it doesn't make much difference in the end.
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Dottie57
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by Dottie57 »

JDCarpenter wrote:
mak1277 wrote:A couple different people have mentioned identity theft and/or stolen credit card numbers...which leads me to ask: Has anyone had a credit card number stolen and identified the situation *before* your credit card company? ....
Yes. (And not just in the distant past.) Granted, it doesn't make much difference in the end.

My debit card was compromised this month. The bank caught it before the purchases were posted.

But I do monitor my own transactions every couple days f days.
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goodenyou
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by goodenyou »

My wife has a saying, "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine". :D It works for us since she is frugal and loves to save. Thankfully, we don't put limits on each other and trust that we are each good stewards of OUR money. My wife is a NP (nurse practitioner) that works after she went back to school at age 38 with 3 kids under 8 years of age. She has standing. A lot of it even if I "out earn" her manyfold.
Last edited by goodenyou on Wed May 31, 2017 11:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Doom&Gloom
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by Doom&Gloom »

mak1277 wrote:A couple different people have mentioned identity theft and/or stolen credit card numbers...which leads me to ask: Has anyone had a credit card number stolen and identified the situation *before* your credit card company? My wife and I have had our cards compromised 5 or 6 times over the past decade, and EVERY SINGLE TIME the CC company identified it immediately...days or weeks before we would have seen a statement.

My point being - I think "fraud monitoring" is a flimsy reason for micro-managing a spouse's spending.
Yes, I have.

Also have had the situation you have had.
MDfive21
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by MDfive21 »

1. OP's wife not 'asking for an allowance'. she's asking 'how much can i reasonably spend without torpedoing our financial plans?' there's a big difference between the two.

2. not everyone lives in lake boglebegone where all the earners make 400% of the national median, and all the stay-at-homes are frugal. some of us live with spouses who require limits to their spending because without it, our budgets are worthless.

my data point is we each get $400 per pay period ($800 a month) to spend how we like. it started lower, but it was never enough for one of us. we do ok incomewise, but def not in the same bracket as OP. my account piles up and spouse's is zero less than halfway through the pay period. classic spender/saver marriage. the ONLY way we manage to stay afloat is to have a hard limit to personal spending. 'family' spending over and above that is required to keep spouse happy, and we're way behind in retirement saving, so to keep the peace in the near term, our long term is basically looking like a cat food retirement.

every time i hear 'happy wife, happy life' i nearly lose my lunch. :shock:
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Artful Dodger
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by Artful Dodger »

Wow, like 105 posts in 2 days on how much to give wifey.

Based on what you've posted, you have a successful marriage. Sounds like she's a responsible person, and you're not receiving regular UPS shipments from the Home Shoppng Network.

Tell her you love her, then again, then again. Tell her you'll do whatever she wants, whatever makes her feel best.

What we do. She has her own checking account. I transfer $500 in whenever the balance drops below $350/$400.

We have an airline rewards card with two cards. She uses that for 90% of her purchases, and of that 70-80% is household, grocery, gas, etc.

I trust her, and don't care what she spends her money on. If she wants (or if I want) to spend $ on a larger item, we always discuss it. This can range fom a large home expense (new carpet, painting, hardwood), her hobbies (large garden expenses in spring, kiln for her jewelry), whatever. She is much more frugal than me, and a better shopper, and has more taste in her little finger than I do in my whole body. Plus she's really into health, attempts to make me eat healthy, exersize, and meditate, and is probably worth $100K annual as a health and lifestyle coach. I figure I got a bargain. :D
delamer
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by delamer »

MDfive21 wrote:1. OP's wife not 'asking for an allowance'. she's asking 'how much can i reasonably spend without torpedoing our financial plans?' there's a big difference between the two.

2. not everyone lives in lake boglebegone where all the earners make 400% of the national median, and all the stay-at-homes are frugal. some of us live with spouses who require limits to their spending because without it, our budgets are worthless.

my data point is we each get $400 per pay period ($800 a month) to spend how we like. it started lower, but it was never enough for one of us. we do ok incomewise, but def not in the same bracket as OP. my account piles up and spouse's is zero less than halfway through the pay period. classic spender/saver marriage. the ONLY way we manage to stay afloat is to have a hard limit to personal spending. 'family' spending over and above that is required to keep spouse happy, and we're way behind in retirement saving, so to keep the peace in the near term, our long term is basically looking like a cat food retirement.

every time i hear 'happy wife, happy life' i nearly lose my lunch. :shock:
I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation. And I know you are dying for marital advice from strangers on the Internet. But are you sure you want there to be a long term with your wife? I know they are sometimes important reasons to stay in the shorter term -- children being the most obvious.
stoptothink
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by stoptothink »

JDCarpenter wrote:
mak1277 wrote:A couple different people have mentioned identity theft and/or stolen credit card numbers...which leads me to ask: Has anyone had a credit card number stolen and identified the situation *before* your credit card company? ....
Yes. (And not just in the distant past.) Granted, it doesn't make much difference in the end.
+1. I've caught it at least half a dozen times before the CCs did, just in the last few years.
s0me0nesmind1
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by s0me0nesmind1 »

mak1277 wrote:
s0me0nesmind1 wrote:
Carefreeap wrote:
s0me0nesmind1 wrote:I like to see anything that goes in or goes out of my finances. The request that it be cash via ATM withdraw is a red flag from me.

I don't critique every purchase my wife makes - I just want to see it so I know it's a valid purchase and that it is a valid amount. I don't hold anything against her if she wants to get her nails done from time to time. Now if she made it an "Every week" thing, then yes, I would have a problem with that...

As far as purchases, go ahead, I hold nothing against my wife. I just ask that she talk to me first because I'm usually very helpful on ways to reduce the costs (finding a site with a lower cost, using the correct credit card to get Cashback, and using a cashback website in combination). I find it better in relationships when you don't have to hide things... To each their own though.
Lol, what you call "helpful" I would call "micro-managing".
Wanting to know where every dollar goes is micro managing? I suppose, in regards to the money.

I think I need to clearly distinguish that I seek to micro manage finances - not my DW's expenses and what she is purchasing. Not paying attention to individual transactions can be the difference between identifying identity theft before it happens - or seeing you are a victim after it's already occurred down the road.

Either way, my DW has multiple credit cards - many of which I signed her up for to get sign-on bonus'. I slap labels on them to let her know which ones give 5% Cashback for certain categories. She spends on whatever she needs/wants, and I make sure the bill is paid at the end of the month. If I see an oddball charge, I'll ask her just to double check that it's hers. Maybe it's a gift for me. I don't care about the details, I just want to make sure it's hers.

Everyone has their own ways, and I can definitely say this has worked for us. To each their own. :sharebeer

(Part of it probably comes from my accountant background :D )
I suspect that the nature of internet postings is leading you to be misinterpreted. Because the situation you describe makes it sound like you treat your wife like a child...clearly that can't be the case, right?

Don't give accountants a bad name...you need to apply materiality to all situations!!

No, I would definitely say my original post is being rather misconstrued. If I had to identify, it would definitely be with the below post:
hoops777 wrote:Personally I just do not this thread at all.My wife is an intelligent adult and she will make reasonable decisions on what she spends and I do the same.We do not need an allowance or a spending budget because we use common sense.We have never once had an argument over spending money and have never even thought of having rules about it.To each their own I guess.
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gasdoc
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by gasdoc »

northernisland wrote:Hahaha... this is a funny thread. Here's another possibility
$10/year-of-age /month (50 years old = $500/month)
Maybe $15/year-of-age at 60 and $20/65

Anyway, you have to find some way to adjust for inflation and spending creep :)

My spouse and I have a "spend what you want, but don't flaunt it at me" policy.
No!!! I won't be able to afford her after awhile!

gasdoc
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Sandi_k
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by Sandi_k »

gasdoc wrote:
Ninnie wrote:Logistically, you've mentioned a monthly ATM withdrawal and also Amazon expenditures. I don't see how you pay for Amazon with cash. Therefore, I third the suggestion to give her pre-paid cards instead of cash.

$500 seems low to me. A hair appt and a few lunches won't leave much left over- will this also include clothes and shoes? Personal care products? How does she draw the line between what she does and doesn't want tracked?


Thanks. I have no idea how she will draw the line between what she does and doesn't want tracked. Does it matter? It is $500, and it will keep her happy. Right?

gasdoc
But what if it's $400 this month, and $600 next month?

This is why we have hers, his and ours accounts. As long as the bills get paid, I'm good (as is DH).

For those who worry about ID theft - freeze your credit accounts with all three bureaus, and each of you should review the banking and CCd statements. End of story.

DH goes to Supercuts; I spend a *lot* more on my hair as a manager with a high visibility job.
DH has an expensive hobby (probably $500+ per month); mine is reading.
I get a mani/pedi every 6 weeks. DH would scream if someone touched his feet. ;)
I get a massage at least monthly, post-surgery (helps enormously with pain and range of motion). DH would never. ;)

Why in the world would we need to oversee or validate each individual spend? I agree with carefreeap - either load up a pre-paid card, or hand over the cash, and that's the end of it. No further review is required.
sleepwell
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by sleepwell »

Gasdoc, I am in agreement with Katietsu that this request from your wife is not really about the money. It sounds as if you are trying to be supportive of your wife and that you want to do whatever you can to make her happy, but I don't think money is the answer. Maybe with your child finishing school, she is feeling unsure of herself and her role in the family. Maybe she feels that she isn't truly contributing to your family since she earns far less than you. (Never mind all the other things she does, cooking, cleaning, laundry, driving your child around. Those things aren't compensated by money and therefore might possibly be, at least in her mind, not real contributions.I am not saying that makes sense but she might feel that way.) Maybe she is 'testing' your love. Who knows? But for whatever reason, she does not sound happy.

Good luck to you both.
Sriracha
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by Sriracha »

gasdoc wrote:
Sriracha wrote:We tried separate checking accounts for this sort of thing (at DW's suggestion) within a few years of getting married and found that we didn't really need them. DW and I each get "an allowance" each month to do with what we want. Unspent amounts roll into the next month. I track spending in the budget each month, but there are no questions about what DW actually bought. If I can't tell how to categorize one of her charges (was the Amazon charge on 5/28 for her personally or something for the house?) I just ask her to categorize it ... I don't need to know what was purchased.

Works for us.
Thanks. That is a great idea, that I had not thought of.

gasdoc
You're welcome! It really does work well for us.
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SQRT
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by SQRT »

mak1277 wrote:A couple different people have mentioned identity theft and/or stolen credit card numbers...which leads me to ask: Has anyone had a credit card number stolen and identified the situation *before* your credit card company? My wife and I have had our cards compromised 5 or 6 times over the past decade, and EVERY SINGLE TIME the CC company identified it immediately...days or weeks before we would have seen a statement.

My point being - I think "fraud monitoring" is a flimsy reason for micro-managing a spouse's spending.
My spouse checks our CC's every morning on line and has caught fraudulent transactions several times. Always ahead of the CC company. I do agree that fraud detection is a poor reason for micro managing your spouse's expenses.
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BL
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by BL »

It would drive me crazy if spouse was categorizing each item of my personal spending. What if I purchased a gift for spouse and hadn't even given it yet?

Much better to have a separate account with ~$500 added each month, and perhaps a separate CC to keep it separate. That way the 500 could be categorized as personal and that should take care of it without further detail. Since both spouses need to be able to handle these things, a little regular practice of paying off CC is better than none.

We have done this for part of our married life. At first we were too broke, and later separate (but joint) checking accounts where the more numerically-inclined spouse handles the largest account. Income from wages or retirement goes into individual account and bill-paying has varied. End of month balances are casually shared. When either balance builds up, it is invested in mostly TSM or fixed income. No computerized tracking, but folks who love numbers can't seem to avoid a certain amount of categorizing and totaling up numbers anyway. I expect this is too casual for some and perhaps not casual enough for non-Bogleheads.
Last edited by BL on Thu Jun 01, 2017 7:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
SQRT
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by SQRT »

BL wrote:It would drive me crazy if someone was categorizing each item of my personal spending. What if I purchased a gift for spouse and hadn't even given it yet?
.
Yes, this can be an issue. In our case she can keep it a surprise because she reviews our CC's. If I buy her something on the CC, she will know where I bought it but not what it is. Sometimes she might ask what it is and I say"don't ask" and she will know it's a gift for her. Separate CC's would solve this problem, but then I would have to check mine regularly, which I would rather not do.

Usually, these type of issues are not reciprocal. That is, the spouse with less economic power (the lower earner) is the one that usually needs to be accommodated. I have happily accommodated her but I don't feel she needs to accommodate me. This is true even though all our accounts are joint.

Again, there are many ways to work these issues out and often the solutions are ad hoc and reached early in a relationship. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Last edited by SQRT on Thu Jun 01, 2017 8:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
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BL
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by BL »

SQRT wrote:
BL wrote:It would drive me crazy if someone was categorizing each item of my personal spending. What if I purchased a gift for spouse and hadn't even given it yet?
.
Yes, this can be an issue. In our case she can keep it a surprise because she reviews our CC's. If I buy her something on the CC, she will know where I bought it but not what it is. Sometimes she might ask what it is and I say"don't ask" and she will know. Separate CC's would solve this problem, but then I would have to check mine regularly, which I would rather not do.

Usually, these type of issues are not reciprocal. That is, the spouse with less economic power (the lower earner) is the one that usually needs to be accommodated. I have happily accommodated her but I don't feel she needs to accommodate me. This is true even though all our accounts are joint.

Again, there are many ways to work these issues out and often the solutions are ad hoc and reached early in a relationship. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
+1
mak1277
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by mak1277 »

SQRT wrote:
mak1277 wrote:A couple different people have mentioned identity theft and/or stolen credit card numbers...which leads me to ask: Has anyone had a credit card number stolen and identified the situation *before* your credit card company? My wife and I have had our cards compromised 5 or 6 times over the past decade, and EVERY SINGLE TIME the CC company identified it immediately...days or weeks before we would have seen a statement.

My point being - I think "fraud monitoring" is a flimsy reason for micro-managing a spouse's spending.
My spouse checks our CC's every morning on line and has caught fraudulent transactions several times. Always ahead of the CC company. I do agree that fraud detection is a poor reason for micro managing your spouse's expenses.
Yeah, I suppose if people check daily then it's possible they would see the fraud....our family only checks when the monthly statement shows up. Despite all the card compromises, we've never lost anything but time dealing with the fraud investigation. No incentive for me to be more proactive in reviewing charges.
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gasdoc
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by gasdoc »

BL wrote:It would drive me crazy if spouse was categorizing each item of my personal spending. What if I purchased a gift for spouse and hadn't even given it yet?

Much better to have a separate account with ~$500 added each month, and perhaps a separate CC to keep it separate. That way the 500 could be categorized as personal and that should take care of it without further detail. Since both spouses need to be able to handle these things, a little regular practice of paying off CC is better than none.

We have done this for part of our married life. At first we were too broke, and later separate (but joint) checking accounts where the more numerically-inclined spouse handles the largest account. Income from wages or retirement goes into individual account and bill-paying has varied. End of month balances are casually shared. When either balance builds up, it is invested in mostly TSM or fixed income. No computerized tracking, but folks who love numbers can't seem to avoid a certain amount of categorizing and totaling up numbers anyway. I expect this is too casual for some and perhaps not casual enough for non-Bogleheads.
Anything that I see that I don't understand is categorized as "household." My categories are not overly specific or personal. All that I would see is the name of the store, and that would suffice. Now if a store name showed up that I would not expect her to shop at, I would ask if that was in fact her charge, and that would be the end of it. I don't typically ask what she bought. The purpose of the categories is to broadly track our overall spending. The top five categories that I keep an eye on (in order of size) are: investment (saving for retirement), taxes, travel, household, home maintenance. Before I started my defined benefit plan for my business PC, taxes was the top category.

gasdoc
SQRT
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by SQRT »

mak1277 wrote:
SQRT wrote: My spouse checks our CC's every morning on line and has caught fraudulent transactions several times. Always ahead of the CC company. I do agree that fraud detection is a poor reason for micro managing your spouse's expenses.
No incentive for me to be more proactive in reviewing charges.
I can understand that but a little surprised you still get paper statements? But we are both CPA's and just have an irrational need to know things ASAP. All our accounts are paperless because we move around so much. We are poor choices for CC fraud as they hardly ever get away with more than a few dollars. The biggest hassle is getting a new CC.
mak1277
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by mak1277 »

SQRT wrote:
mak1277 wrote:
SQRT wrote: My spouse checks our CC's every morning on line and has caught fraudulent transactions several times. Always ahead of the CC company. I do agree that fraud detection is a poor reason for micro managing your spouse's expenses.
No incentive for me to be more proactive in reviewing charges.
I can understand that but a little surprised you still get paper statements? But we are both CPA's and just have an irrational need to know things ASAP. All our accounts are paperless because we move around so much. We are poor choices for CC fraud as they hardly ever get away with more than a few dollars. The biggest hassle is getting a new CC.
My wife and I are both CPAs also, funny enough. I couldn't care less about paper vs. electronic, and we have apps that allow us to check electronically if we wanted to. I just have no interest and feel no need to do it. We have one day a month when we sit down and pay bills, so we check then...I can't see any reason for me personally to look otherwise.
Xpe
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by Xpe »

Married 2 years here, first thing we did in the months leading up to the wedding was consolidate finances - his, hers, ours.

We each get $500 per month transferred into the his/hers account, this gives so much peace of mind for both of us.
MDfive21
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by MDfive21 »

delamer wrote:
I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation. And I know you are dying for marital advice from strangers on the Internet. But are you sure you want there to be a long term with your wife? I know they are sometimes important reasons to stay in the shorter term -- children being the most obvious.
yes, my kid is 8, and kid's mental health at this stage is way more important than mine so i suppose 10ish years from now i'll have a tough decision to make. we are one of those couples that got married broke and we were both pretty foolish with money til we started to make a fair amount. now we're finding out some things about ourselves and each other that were near impossible to predict. :)
Bfwolf
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by Bfwolf »

gasdoc wrote:First, let me say that I realize I am in delicate territory, but I thought I might get ideas from members of the Bogleheads community (married and divorced :confused ). DW is frustrated because, as a much smaller wage earner, she doesn't feel "entitled" to spend money on herself (this is her complaint, not mine!!!). She wants ME to give HER a set amount of cash each month that she can feel free to spend on herself as she wishes, guilt-free. I believe she intends to use this money for nails, haircuts, lunches with friends, things she wants from Amazon that are not needs, etc. Currently, I download daily transactions into Quicken, and she wants this to be a monthly ATM withdrawal that I don't see (and critique- though again, I don't think I do this anyway!!!). Any ideas? I believe she is thinking in the $400-$500 dollars per month range.

On the other hand, DW works an irregular schedule as a nurse on a PRN, or "as needed" basis, and makes her own schedule. Her monthly income averages about $1000 per month, but it varies tremendously. Our only child just graduated from high school, so DW might be able to increase her income (if properly incentivized to do so.). Do you see where I am going with this? Should I suggest that she keep half of every dollar she makes for herself, with the remainder going into the family account? Thoughts?

I am expecting some very interesting posts on this.... :shock:
Gasdoc, how did you end up addressing this situation?
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gasdoc
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by gasdoc »

Bfwolf wrote:
gasdoc wrote:First, let me say that I realize I am in delicate territory, but I thought I might get ideas from members of the Bogleheads community (married and divorced :confused ). DW is frustrated because, as a much smaller wage earner, she doesn't feel "entitled" to spend money on herself (this is her complaint, not mine!!!). She wants ME to give HER a set amount of cash each month that she can feel free to spend on herself as she wishes, guilt-free. I believe she intends to use this money for nails, haircuts, lunches with friends, things she wants from Amazon that are not needs, etc. Currently, I download daily transactions into Quicken, and she wants this to be a monthly ATM withdrawal that I don't see (and critique- though again, I don't think I do this anyway!!!). Any ideas? I believe she is thinking in the $400-$500 dollars per month range.

On the other hand, DW works an irregular schedule as a nurse on a PRN, or "as needed" basis, and makes her own schedule. Her monthly income averages about $1000 per month, but it varies tremendously. Our only child just graduated from high school, so DW might be able to increase her income (if properly incentivized to do so.). Do you see where I am going with this? Should I suggest that she keep half of every dollar she makes for herself, with the remainder going into the family account? Thoughts?

I am expecting some very interesting posts on this.... :shock:
Gasdoc, how did you end up addressing this situation?
Bfwolf, thanks for asking. My DW said she will take out $500 cash at the beginning of the month. When the next month comes around, she will take out enough to get her back to $500 cash (no intention to accumulate for larger purchases). To be honest, I don't pay enough attention to the withdrawals she makes to know exactly how much she takes out. She seems content with the situation.

gasdoc
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Doom&Gloom
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by Doom&Gloom »

Sounds like a plan!

Congrats on getting it worked out to everyone's satisfaction so quickly!
bayview
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by bayview »

s0me0nesmind1 wrote:I like to see anything that goes in or goes out of my finances. The request that it be cash via ATM withdraw is a red flag from me.

I don't critique every purchase my wife makes - I just want to see it so I know it's a valid purchase and that it is a valid amount. I don't hold anything against her if she wants to get her nails done from time to time. Now if she made it an "Every week" thing, then yes, I would have a problem with that...

As far as purchases, go ahead, I hold nothing against my wife. I just ask that she talk to me first because I'm usually very helpful on ways to reduce the costs (finding a site with a lower cost, using the correct credit card to get Cashback, and using a cashback website in combination). I find it better in relationships when you don't have to hide things... To each their own though.
:shock: :shock: :shock:

Wow...

You determine what is "valid"? The family finances are "your" finances?
The continuous execution of a sound strategy gives you the benefit of the strategy. That's what it's all about. --Rick Ferri
HornedToad
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by HornedToad »

stoptothink wrote:
JDCarpenter wrote:
mak1277 wrote:A couple different people have mentioned identity theft and/or stolen credit card numbers...which leads me to ask: Has anyone had a credit card number stolen and identified the situation *before* your credit card company? ....
Yes. (And not just in the distant past.) Granted, it doesn't make much difference in the end.
+1. I've caught it at least half a dozen times before the CCs did, just in the last few years.
The banks are good at catching fraud before I am. They won't catch re-occuring transactions for subscriptions we forgot to cancel, purchases that were accidentally double charged, etc. That's one of the things that importing CC charges into Quicken or the like helps with.
bayview
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by bayview »

MDfive21 wrote:
delamer wrote:
I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation. And I know you are dying for marital advice from strangers on the Internet. But are you sure you want there to be a long term with your wife? I know they are sometimes important reasons to stay in the shorter term -- children being the most obvious.
yes, my kid is 8, and kid's mental health at this stage is way more important than mine so i suppose 10ish years from now i'll have a tough decision to make. we are one of those couples that got married broke and we were both pretty foolish with money til we started to make a fair amount. now we're finding out some things about ourselves and each other that were near impossible to predict. :)
I'm sorry; that's a really difficult situation. The modern version of being "unequally yoked," I guess.

As delamer noted, "I know you are dying for marital advice from strangers on the Internet," but I hope that the two of you start counseling soon. I applaud you for putting your child's peace of mind ahead of yours, but I can promise you that s/he will be picking up on the misalignment a lot sooner than you might think. I don't know if you wife doesn't know or doesn't care that you two are so out of sync, but this really does need addressing pretty soon. You don't need your child to get 10 years of "Dad's so cheap" messages from Mom. Best wishes to your family.
The continuous execution of a sound strategy gives you the benefit of the strategy. That's what it's all about. --Rick Ferri
mdavis6890
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by mdavis6890 »

steadyeddy wrote:She thinks you are controlling and/or judging her spending. You do not believe this is true. That is a serious disconnect.

A fun money budget might be a good logistical solution, but you need to address the feelings apart from any financial action items.
This. Also she needs to take some ownership for the family budgeting and decision making process. Sounds like the two of you haven't been engaging in this process during your marriage at all. Either you are both sufficiently frugal that it hasn't been a financial issue, or you've been doing it with her in a passive role. First sort out the feelings. She has a responsibility to get engaged in decision making and become an equal and active participant. You have a responsibility to share the decision making with her. Then on the bookkeeping side, all the money goes into the OUR bucket first, then together you can decide where it goes from there. HIS and HERS buckets are a fine destination for a small amount, but you really should have BOTH of these buckets with the same amount of money in them. Neither of you should feel like you get an "allowance" while the other one gets the rest. You EACH get a small, equal discretionary fund. Neither of you spends the OURS money unilaterally.

I'm reading a lot into it here, but I guess she's felt that because you earn more (or because you're a man, or she's just passive, or whatever) you're entitled to make decisions unilaterally, and you've allowed that to happen. Not good.
Bfwolf
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by Bfwolf »

Doom&Gloom wrote:Sounds like a plan!

Congrats on getting it worked out to everyone's satisfaction so quickly!
+1
ColoradoRick
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by ColoradoRick »

OP - sounds like through the thread you are on the right path. I'll give you our personal experience just for laughs.

My DW is fairly frugal, but wanted an allowance ($400/mo) for guilt free purchases. Worked fine while she wasn't working. After I retired, she got a consulting job that paid $20,000/yr. for several years. I assumed she would take out her allowance and put the rest in "our" fund. Wrong. She still wanted her allowance. I dug in. Tense times. Turned out she wanted to use all her pay to make needed improvements on our house. She replaced 30 yr. old windows, bought all decking material (I built 2 story deck) and about 600 sq ft of pavers. When her job went away, she still got her allowance. She now uses it for hair dresser, nails, landscaping and home improvements. She NEVER asks for more. We've (I) raised it for inflation (now ~ $500/month). Here is the kicker though. About 3 - 4 x per year she will give me several hundred dollars to go into vacation fund or to help with bills. You might be pleasantly surprised at the outcome. Remember money is power and in a marriage power should be shared.

I think women don't want to feel like they have to go to "daddy" for money. Anyway, after a bumpy couple of years we are both happy.
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JDCarpenter
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by JDCarpenter »

ColoradoRick wrote:OP - sounds like through the thread you are on the right path. I'll give you our personal experience just for laughs.

...

I think women people don't want to feel like they have to go to "daddyParent" for money. Anyway, after a bumpy couple of years we are both happy.
:beer
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Nowizard
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by Nowizard »

When you agree to this, you then have absolved her of any responsibility for money transferred under the agreement and will be subject to her interpretation of how you respond to her spending even if you are not regularly commenting on it from your perspective. If she knows you download expenditures to Quicken, she knows you are definitely aware of what is being spent. The issue of "how much" decide to "give her" can also be something that she views as indicating how much you care for her which would be more or less than she now thinks.
As you said, this is sensitive territory. Two most likely possibilities: 1. You tell her you know she is a reasonable person, and you wait until she gives you a figure. This puts the responsibility on her; 2. She keeps all or part of what she makes, and you make it clear that there is other money available if she works little. She has an account to deposit her money, this increases her financial knowledge, and you are in the clear from unintended consequences. It always pays to be giving when the issue is psychological rather than financial in my opinion.

Tim
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gasdoc
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by gasdoc »

ColoradoRick wrote:OP - sounds like through the thread you are on the right path. I'll give you our personal experience just for laughs.

My DW is fairly frugal, but wanted an allowance ($400/mo) for guilt free purchases. Worked fine while she wasn't working. After I retired, she got a consulting job that paid $20,000/yr. for several years. I assumed she would take out her allowance and put the rest in "our" fund. Wrong. She still wanted her allowance. I dug in. Tense times. Turned out she wanted to use all her pay to make needed improvements on our house. She replaced 30 yr. old windows, bought all decking material (I built 2 story deck) and about 600 sq ft of pavers. When her job went away, she still got her allowance. She now uses it for hair dresser, nails, landscaping and home improvements. She NEVER asks for more. We've (I) raised it for inflation (now ~ $500/month). Here is the kicker though. About 3 - 4 x per year she will give me several hundred dollars to go into vacation fund or to help with bills. You might be pleasantly surprised at the outcome. Remember money is power and in a marriage power should be shared.

I think women don't want to feel like they have to go to "daddy" for money. Anyway, after a bumpy couple of years we are both happy.
ColoradoRick, glad things worked out well for you.

gasdoc
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Re: Play Money for Spouse....

Post by gasdoc »

JDCarpenter wrote:
ColoradoRick wrote:OP - sounds like through the thread you are on the right path. I'll give you our personal experience just for laughs.

...

I think women people don't want to feel like they have to go to "daddyParent" for money. Anyway, after a bumpy couple of years we are both happy.
:beer
JDCarpenter, I get it!

gasdoc
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