Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

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sliqua
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Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by sliqua »

As a male in my mid-20s who has been raised in the Bogleheads tradition (began saving in a personal account around age 10), I recently ended a long-term relationship over "subtle but substantial differences" related to our different approaches to how finances play an important role in a future together. Numerous "before-you-get-married" checklists and books provide lists of questions and topics one can discuss with a potential spouse in order to learn each other's sticking points and quirks about money. I wanted to ask Bogleheads community about the types of disagreements you've typically had with your spouse in the early (planning) years of the relationship.

The differences we experienced weren't major, but they were important. We both understood the value of financial prudence and planning, and neither of us approached things with a spoiled attitude. But we found we differed in how that financial planning was executed. In talking about children in the next five years, I felt it important to begin saving immediately for expected, increased expenses, whereas she believed the expenses (and ramping up of savings) could happen much more gradually. I suggested approaching student loan debt in an expedited way, she felt she could ignore the growing interest in favor of a more comfortable lifestyle pre-children. Small things like this, when tied together with the idea of the future, seemed to derail us. Perhaps it was for the best.

As I write this in some sort of cathartic manner, I wanted to hear what kinds of financial discussions other Bogleheads had with their spouses early in the relationship and how they handled it. Perhaps this will be a learning point for me or a guide for others. Happy Friday.
traveler90
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by traveler90 »

Man, if you loved her then these seem like waaaay too subtle and minor of disagreements to actually end it. I don't know how long you were together, but that seems like overkill? No couple is going to perfectly agree on everything.
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Raybo
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by Raybo »

Good for you.

It is hard enough to maintain a healthy, co-operative, loving relationship without subtle differences about money (and that's before adding in children). This is especially true if you hold separate credit cards so that one person's spending is effectively hidden from the other. This was the source of one problem I had in a previous marriage.

If savings and retirement investments are important to you, then they should be a priority in the relationship, as well. Money means different things to different people and those meanings come with a lot of unstated assumptions that can result is major conflicts.
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ShiftF5
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by ShiftF5 »

I think you know in your heart that these differences were going to be a serious issue down the road, so I think you did the right thing.

To commit for life, it's got to feel right.

Let's face it -- Money is the #1 reason for divorce.

You will find the right one.

Best wishes.
seamonkey
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by seamonkey »

Early we may have talked about financial goals abstractly but probably more importantly, we could easily see how each other handled money, credit cards, degrees of impulsiveness with respect to spending, and working to pay for school.

So I suppose it's the habits that were more critical than the specific goals for us, though I think the goals fell in place. I think both are important and I am constantly appreciative of being on the same page about this stuff as my spouse.
dhodson
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by dhodson »

Every couple fights about money. Those who say they never did are liars. How you handle such fights will determine divorce or not (and other signs of happiness or lack there of).

If you are looking for complete agreement on all monetary issues then good luck. That doesn't mean I would get involved with someone with vastly different views on money or kids or a bunch of other things which are either known to be important to me or have been shown to be important in general.
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goingup
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by goingup »

You're going to get a lot of responses to your post. You'll have to do some serious introspection to understand why your relationship went off the rails. One thing that can really poison things is when one partner is perceived as too controlling and the other partner feels resentment.

Combining finances requires a deft touch and a willing heart. Beginning to save immediately for kids you may or may not have in 5 years seems extreme. I suggest you rethink that the next time around.
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tyrion
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by tyrion »

seamonkey wrote:Early we may have talked about financial goals abstractly but probably more importantly, we could easily see how each other handled money, credit cards, degrees of impulsiveness with respect to spending, and working to pay for school.

So I suppose it's the habits that were more critical than the specific goals for us, though I think the goals fell in place. I think both are important and I am constantly appreciative of being on the same page about this stuff as my spouse.
I agree with this. I think if you're reasonably compatible on general spending habits you'll be able to compromise and still succeed on specific goals.

My wife has very little interest in investing. She doesn't care about using coupons. She will buy the $3 toothbrush from the grocery store rather than waiting to buy the $1 toothbrush from the drugstore. She doesn't regularly check her bank balance and frequently overdrafts from savings to checking (free with her credit union).

What she does have is a strong rudder to spend less than she earns. She does not splurge on luxury items. She always pays her credit card in full and on time. She always has money in savings (even counting the overdrafting).

I've learned to ignore the small stuff, even though it sometimes irritates me. I focus on big picture stuff- spending less than we earn, maximizing retirement accounts, saving for kids college, etc. We do discuss these big goals and agree on priorities.
nimo956
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by nimo956 »

Seems like an gross over-reaction on your part.
I felt it important to begin saving immediately for expected, increased expenses, whereas she believed the expenses (and ramping up of savings) could happen much more gradually.
What expenses are you talking about? Starting a 529 account, house down payment for a good school district, or car fund for giant SUV 5 years before you even think about having kids?
I suggested approaching student loan debt in an expedited way, she felt she could ignore the growing interest in favor of a more comfortable lifestyle pre-children.
Does she just want to pay the minimum each month, or does she not agree with devoting 100% of excess income to debt reduction?

Balance in all things.
Last edited by nimo956 on Fri Sep 25, 2015 12:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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lightheir
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by lightheir »

I don't think there's an easy answer for this.

Keep in mind, that asking this question on the BH forum will get intrinsic strong bias toward early savings and conservative investment/spending approaches.

I will give the n=1 that I felt exactly as you did early in my relationship, and in retrospect, had I been given free reign to be as conservative with finances as "all the books say", I would have had a significantly worse outcome both in terms of finances AND life situation.

Things that would have happened if I had had my way:
- Missed out on buying a home which rapidly appreciated. (Yes, I know, luck is huge, but we did buy in the dark days of the housing crash when nobody else was buying.)
- Postpone having kids until way too late
- Likely lived in a significantly worse neighborhood with worse schools and horrible commute just so we wouldn't stretch a bit on the mortgage

In retrospect, her more 'balanced' approach to life and finances was a very good offset to my conservative-minded approach that were more theoretically set on dollars and cents and compound interest rather than the intangibles of life and luck.

Good luck
denovo
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by denovo »

ShiftF5 wrote:
Let's face it -- Money is the #1 reason for divorce.
And that's why people need to be in line, maybe not exact matches, but share the same principles. It seems this potential couple did not.
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ThankYouJack
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by ThankYouJack »

goingup wrote:You're going to get a lot of responses to your post. You'll have to do some serious introspection to understand why your relationship went off the rails. One thing that can really poison things is when one partner is perceived as too controlling and the other partner feels resentment.

Combining finances requires a deft touch and a willing heart. Beginning to save immediately for kids you may or may not have in 5 years seems extreme. I suggest you rethink that the next time around.
This is great advice.

Saving money 5 years before you (may) even have kids seems very extreme. Then once you have children, every purchase could turn into an argument -- you want the $15 kid shoes, your spouse wants to the $30 ones, you don't want expensive baby organic food, your wife wants organic, you don't want a new safer car, your spouse does.

I would try to lighten up about money (easier said than done) and focus on your long term goals that are not related to money. Also, wives and kids are overrated so enjoy your mid-20's :) :sharebeer


p.s. Honey if you're reading this, I'm just trying to give a male in his mid-20's my support.
Topic Author
sliqua
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by sliqua »

I truly appreciate the advice that has been offered thus far. All helpful thoughts to consider in the long-run. I feel the need to clarify: when I mentioned kids in the next five years, that was a generalization. I think it would be a bit nuts looking that far ahead. Five years was more of the tail-end date we were discussing; in that past-ideal, we were likely talking about the next 2-3 years.
sls239
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by sls239 »

If anything, I've learned that even if two people agree, it can still be wrong.

Agreement is over-rated. It can lead to over-confidence.

Compromise and "good enough" are much more likely to work in the long-run.

There are certainly things that I'm very glad I did before having kids because doing them with kids is much more difficult or they are inherently risky - travel in particular.
Katietsu
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by Katietsu »

I am not sure that your differences were as subtle as you think. The biggest concern I would have is if your girlfriend is comfortable with debt and you are not. The question about borrowing money is one that will come up continually in a marriage.
This goes hand in hand with the idea of saving for future needs, be it a baby or a car.

As to the idea of preparing financially for a child before conception.... I've known a lot of people who try to save for about a year before getting pregnant but I have never heard of anything longer than that. At that point, you have a concrete goal that you are working towards. To just be saving for this vague idea of children in the future, I think is something that most of us would not be able to get behind.

Finally, I would say that if you want to be married for the long haul, you need to learn to negotiate and work together with your spouse. Even if you find a partner that agrees with you on all fronts at the beginning of the relationship, as the years progress both of you will change your positions. Some people divorce at this point because they have "grown apart". But if the love and respect is there, you should be willing to come to a mutual agreement to make each person as happy as possible. If you are not willing to bend, then you are with the wrong person or you should just not get married.
icefr
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by icefr »

sliqua wrote:The differences we experienced weren't major, but they were important. We both understood the value of financial prudence and planning, and neither of us approached things with a spoiled attitude. But we found we differed in how that financial planning was executed. In talking about children in the next five years, I felt it important to begin saving immediately for expected, increased expenses, whereas she believed the expenses (and ramping up of savings) could happen much more gradually. I suggested approaching student loan debt in an expedited way, she felt she could ignore the growing interest in favor of a more comfortable lifestyle pre-children. Small things like this, when tied together with the idea of the future, seemed to derail us. Perhaps it was for the best.
I want to provide some perspective on this. In some ways, I feel like you're describing the differences between my boyfriend and I and they are not a big deal - they are just personality differences. I am a planner; he is not. We both live below our means and save 60-80% of our net incomes, including maxing out our 401(k)s. It took some prodding from me for him to max out a Roth IRA, but he was still saving plenty, which is the more important part. He doesn't want to retire early, but he's saving enough money that he will be able to. So that's fine. He accumulated the money to pay off his student loans quickly, but then he took months to pay them off because laziness. We both dislike debt, but I'm more proactive about taking action on things. He didn't live a more comfortable life to not pay off his student loans - he had the money sitting in his checking account and just didn't get around to it. I'm fine with that - I'm not fine with not wanting to pay them off at all.

On the other hand, I dated someone before this who was okay with going into debt to pay for a wedding, who day traded stocks in his taxable account, and refused to max out his 401(k) because "he didn't want that money tied up for so many decades". We agreed on wanting to retire early, but had VERY different ways on approaching how to do that and didn't agree with each other's ways. Whenever I didn't want to buy something, he would buy it for me! It drove me crazy. His parents still had a mortgage in their sixties when mine had paid theirs off in their thirties (on a more expensive house) and we each agreed with our respective parents. I had no idea how easy it was for two people who make plenty of money to disagree on money. On paper, we seemed fine, but there were so many subtle disagreements that were hard on me because I really care about the details.

So what I'm saying is that I both understand where you're coming from and wonder if your differences were more a matter of personalities and less a matter of values being different.
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by ktd »

I broke up with an ex over finances. I now married a guy that insists the thermostat should be at 85 in the summer and 50 in the winter.
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by Grt2bOutdoors »

dhodson wrote:Every couple fights about money. Those who say they never did are liars. How you handle such fights will determine divorce or not (and other signs of happiness or lack there of).

If you are looking for complete agreement on all monetary issues then good luck. That doesn't mean I would get involved with someone with vastly different views on money or kids or a bunch of other things which are either known to be important to me or have been shown to be important in general.
You calling me a liar? :twisted: We don't fight, we discuss matters like rational adults. I left kindergarten and elementary school a long time ago. You have to know when to pick your battles, save your fighting for issues of real importance.
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by Grt2bOutdoors »

ktd wrote:I broke up with an ex over finances. I now married a guy that insists the thermostat should be at 85 in the summer and 50 in the winter.
So, you walk around your house in a bikini during the summer? Hmmm......you have a creative husband. :D
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ktd
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by ktd »

Grt2bOutdoors wrote:
ktd wrote:I broke up with an ex over finances. I now married a guy that insists the thermostat should be at 85 in the summer and 50 in the winter.
So, you walk around your house in a bikini during the summer? Hmmm......you have a creative husband. :D
Everyone has only underwears on during summer and socks and light jackets during winter.
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by Grt2bOutdoors »

sliqua wrote:I truly appreciate the advice that has been offered thus far. All helpful thoughts to consider in the long-run. I feel the need to clarify: when I mentioned kids in the next five years, that was a generalization. I think it would be a bit nuts looking that far ahead. Five years was more of the tail-end date we were discussing; in that past-ideal, we were likely talking about the next 2-3 years.
Dude - saving 2-3 years ahead is a bit extreme. Depending on one's income, you could have begin saving as little as 1 month before to as much as 1 year before, but 2 or 3 years before? Over-kill. Still, if this was a fundamental deal-breaker for you then better to have ended it now.
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flyingbison
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by flyingbison »

Keep separate finances, and then you don't need to agree about as many things.
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by Grt2bOutdoors »

ktd wrote:
Grt2bOutdoors wrote:
ktd wrote:I broke up with an ex over finances. I now married a guy that insists the thermostat should be at 85 in the summer and 50 in the winter.
So, you walk around your house in a bikini during the summer? Hmmm......you have a creative husband. :D
Everyone has only underwears on during summer and socks and light jackets during winter.
I take it you don't have many unexpected visitors during the summer months. One can only imagine opening the front door in one's underwear to sign for a package from the UPS guy. :wink:
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TxAg
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by TxAg »

I'm with the OP on this one.
ktd
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by ktd »

Grt2bOutdoors wrote:
ktd wrote:
Grt2bOutdoors wrote:
ktd wrote:I broke up with an ex over finances. I now married a guy that insists the thermostat should be at 85 in the summer and 50 in the winter.
So, you walk around your house in a bikini during the summer? Hmmm......you have a creative husband. :D
Everyone has only underwears on during summer and socks and light jackets during winter.
I take it you don't have many unexpected visitors during the summer months. One can only imagine opening the front door in one's underwear to sign for a package from the UPS guy. :wink:
Not many visitors. But for the UPS guy, we put on a bathrobe like we just took a shower :P
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by GoldenFinch »

It sounds like for you this issue was a red flag and you followed your gut feeling. Smart.

My husband and I were ignorant about finances when we got married and never did fight about money because we were always on the same page. When we were stupid about money, we were stupid together! As our lives progressed, our financial acumen evolved (slowly). We are now pretty much set for an early retirement if we want it, but we would have had a great deal more if we saved when we were young. We never had any debt except for a mortgage so that was good. Now I take care of the finances and update him. He doesn't enjoy managing money and I do, so it works out.

The advice I give my kids is to save early and often.
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by Texanbybirth »

sliqua wrote:As a male in my mid-20s who has been raised in the Bogleheads tradition (began saving in a personal account around age 10), I recently ended a long-term relationship over "subtle but substantial differences" related to our different approaches to how finances play an important role in a future together. Numerous "before-you-get-married" checklists and books provide lists of questions and topics one can discuss with a potential spouse in order to learn each other's sticking points and quirks about money. I wanted to ask Bogleheads community about the types of disagreements you've typically had with your spouse in the early (planning) years of the relationship.

The differences we experienced weren't major, but they were important. We both understood the value of financial prudence and planning, and neither of us approached things with a spoiled attitude. But we found we differed in how that financial planning was executed. In talking about children in the next five years, I felt it important to begin saving immediately for expected, increased expenses, whereas she believed the expenses (and ramping up of savings) could happen much more gradually. I suggested approaching student loan debt in an expedited way, she felt she could ignore the growing interest in favor of a more comfortable lifestyle pre-children. Small things like this, when tied together with the idea of the future, seemed to derail us. Perhaps it was for the best.

As I write this in some sort of cathartic manner, I wanted to hear what kinds of financial discussions other Bogleheads had with their spouses early in the relationship and how they handled it. Perhaps this will be a learning point for me or a guide for others. Happy Friday.
It sounds like the examples you gave are indicative of more serious underlying disagreements: how to approach savings, and how to approach debt. These are two big hurdles to overcome in marriage. You want to avoid as much as possible known disagreements that will cause you or your future spouse to begrudge the other. At your age, it's going to be difficult to find someone who doesn't also have student debt. Your agreement on these matters is pretty important.

It was most definitely for the best, and you shouldn't feel stupid for following your heart and your head on this one. Take a little bit of time for yourself, and then get back out there kid.
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pinecone
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by pinecone »

sliqua wrote:I suggested approaching student loan debt in an expedited way, she felt she could ignore the growing interest in favor of a more comfortable lifestyle pre-children. Small things like this...
I don't consider that a small thing at all. It represents an attitude towards debt that I couldn't live with. A definite red flag to me. For now it's student loans. In the future will be a bigger house, a better car, and so on. There is good debt, and there is bad debt. Then there is too much debt, which is never ever good.

A "comfortable lifestyle" has different meanings to different people. That's another topic to discuss pre-marriage. For some, it could mean owning a house, car, taking a nice vacation every year. For others it could mean: several houses, several cars, a few boats, horses, a private jet, etc. :greedy
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by celia »

sliqua wrote:Numerous "before-you-get-married" checklists and books provide lists of questions and topics one can discuss with a potential spouse in order to learn each other's sticking points and quirks about money. I wanted to ask Bogleheads community about the types of disagreements you've typically had with your spouse in the early (planning) years of the relationship.
Man, This sounds like you two spent all your time looking for how you were different from each other. Not romantic at all. In the bigger picture, it sounded like you weren't as far apart as you think.

Now that you know each others' views, it should be easy to COMPROMISE since you know what the sticking points are. I would have started with common goals you both wanted to work towards. If you agree on that, the rest should fall into place.

We were one of the couples who hadn't talked about money at all since neither of us had much. But we also didn't owe anything either and didn't have jobs at the time (just finishing college). But we worked together to survive and grow. I was more interested in the money and savings and bill-paying so I did that. He's updated about twice a year and he balances the checkbook once a year and knows what to do if I'm no longer here.
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by barnaclebob »

dhodson wrote:Every couple fights about money. Those who say they never did are liars.
I've never had a fight with my wife about money. We've been fortune to not have any significant financial strain however.
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by Tamahome »

dhodson wrote:Every couple fights about money. Those who say they never did are liars.
That is a lie. Ha! Seriously, this is patently false. To date, not only have I never had an argument about money with my wife, we have not had a disagreement of any sort over money. We have had discussions about money, as well as what our goals are. For the most part, we discuss a goal and I make it happen. We agreed to what amounts to about a 25% savings rate, so we are on the same page there.

I think you dodged a bullet. She said she wanted to save money, but she was not interested in getting rid of her student loans. She said she was interested in saving money, but she wanted to be comfortable now. Planning for children is smart. Paying down debt is smart. Sacrificing a little to save a lot is smart, AND it has the largest impact early on.
I'm not a financial professional. Post is info only & not legal advice. No attorney-client relationship exists with reader. Scrutinize my ideas as if you spoke with a guy at a bar. I may be wrong.
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by stoptothink »

Dulocracy wrote:
dhodson wrote:Every couple fights about money. Those who say they never did are liars.
That is a lie. Ha! Seriously, this is patently false. To date, not only have I never had an argument about money with my wife, we have not had a disagreement of any sort over money. We have had discussions about money, as well as what our goals are. For the most part, we discuss a goal and I make it happen. We agreed to what amounts to about a 25% savings rate, so we are on the same page there.

I think you dodged a bullet. She said she wanted to save money, but she was not interested in getting rid of her student loans. She said she was interested in saving money, but she wanted to be comfortable now. Planning for children is smart. Paying down debt is smart. Sacrificing a little to save a lot is smart, AND it has the largest impact early on.
It was hyperbole, but the point remains: it is by a wide margin the biggest cause of marital strife.
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by malabargold »

Do you really want to marry a carbon copy of yourself?

Differences can cause some friction, sure, but add interest as well - that is if you both behave as adults - and surprise, you may not find that your way is always better.

Negotiate, compromise, learn to appreciate a different perspective.

If you wait for a mini-me to show up you could end up awfully lonely or awfully bored.
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by jdb »

tyrion wrote:
seamonkey wrote: What she does have is a strong rudder to spend less than she earns. She does not splurge on luxury items. She always pays her credit card in full and on time. She always has money in savings (even counting the overdrafting).

I've learned to ignore the small stuff, even though it sometimes irritates me. I focus on big picture stuff- spending less than we earn, maximizing retirement accounts, saving for kids college, etc. We do discuss these big goals and agree on priorities.
+1. Now just having celebrated our 40th anniversary by doing nothing (we do intend to take a special trip but not a rush, rather spend time with adult children and grandchildren) agree that need to ignore the small stuff, it's the innate sense of frugality that binds us with respect to finances. Good luck.
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by Texanbybirth »

jdb wrote:
tyrion wrote:
seamonkey wrote: What she does have is a strong rudder to spend less than she earns. She does not splurge on luxury items. She always pays her credit card in full and on time. She always has money in savings (even counting the overdrafting).

I've learned to ignore the small stuff, even though it sometimes irritates me. I focus on big picture stuff- spending less than we earn, maximizing retirement accounts, saving for kids college, etc. We do discuss these big goals and agree on priorities.
+1. Now just having celebrated our 40th anniversary by doing nothing (we do intend to take a special trip but not a rush, rather spend time with adult children and grandchildren) agree that need to ignore the small stuff, it's the innate sense of frugality that binds us with respect to finances. Good luck.
Congrats on the longevity of your marriage. That is awesome! :beer
“The strong cannot be brave. Only the weak can be brave; and yet again, in practice, only those who can be brave can be trusted, in time of doubt, to be strong.“ - GK Chesterton
SoonerD
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by SoonerD »

Sliqua: I have a question, a comment and an answer.

Question:
Are the reasons you cited really your best argument in support of your decision?

Comment:
I believe you referred to your differences as subtle, substantial, not major and important. This is confusing to me. If the differences are substantial and/or important then you may have undersold them in your description. If they’re subtle and not major then I wonder if you’re looking for more control and authority than your description demonstrates.

Above sls239 wrote “Agreement is over-rated. It can lead to over-confidence. Compromise and "good enough" are much more likely to work in the long-run.”

I agree with that sentiment, good enough is good enough.

Answer:
To answer your question regarding financial discussions others had with their spouses I’ll share my experience. Early in my marriage I had targeted a substantial savings rate and a disdain for consumption while my wife wanted to save but had a strong desire to enjoy the here and now. We compromised by making a budget and agreeing to increase our savings gradually as money became available, e.g., car gets paid off convert monthly payment to investments, etc. 30 years later I have a strong desire to enjoy the here and now and my wife wants to continue to target a substantial savings rate. We compromised by making a budget…

If you have to win you will lose.

Best of luck in future decisions and relationships
reneeh63
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by reneeh63 »

I'm with the OP but only from the perspective that he needs to find someone as extreme as he is so he doesn't make her life miserable. Saving is important...so is living...moderation is key. When you're this extreme you're not likely to let up and lighten up, regardless of when you are able to retire.
spth
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by spth »

Our only fight about money was when we went to register for our wedding. We got that scan gun and over the course of 4 hours registered for one item. Everything else was unnecessary, too expensive, or cheaper elsewhere. We hated ourselves at the end of those four hours. Ultimately a friend registered for us. Great stuff. We love it all, especially the accoutrement bundle. Who knew that an egg white separator was so awesome?
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by pondering »

It has been a hard process to get a budget together with my wife.

Financially there was a lot more savings when my first marriage fell apart. Having money doesn't substitute for being more than room mates.
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island
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by island »

dhodson wrote:Every couple fights about money. Those who say they never did are liars.
Nope, never. Spouse and I may bicker about other stuff, but never about money and I ain't lyin. :D
We also don't have the exact same spending or savings habits. We share similar financial goals, but don't penny pinch or dictate.
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Toons
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by Toons »

You made the right decision.
My wife and I have been on the same financial page since we met.
A whole lot less stress.
We saved together
We invested together
We retired together. :happy
"One does not accumulate but eliminate. It is not daily increase but daily decrease. The height of cultivation always runs to simplicity" –Bruce Lee
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by snowshoes »

[OT comments removed by admin LadyGeek]
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by LadyGeek »

This thread is now in the Personal Finance (Not Investing) forum (financial roles and responsibility).

As a reminder, we maintain a family-friendly environment. Topics should be appropriate for the under-18 crowd.

Also, please stay focused on the financial aspects (the purpose of this forum). Conjectures on the relationship aspects are off-topic.
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carolinaman
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by carolinaman »

goingup wrote:You're going to get a lot of responses to your post. You'll have to do some serious introspection to understand why your relationship went off the rails. One thing that can really poison things is when one partner is perceived as too controlling and the other partner feels resentment.

Combining finances requires a deft touch and a willing heart. Beginning to save immediately for kids you may or may not have in 5 years seems extreme. I suggest you rethink that the next time around.
I agree with this. It sounds like you may have been too controlling. IMO, both of your perspectives were reasonable given your ages and situation. To end your plans for marriage over these matters seems extreme. Finances are important but there is a lot more to marriage and life than just financial compatibility. If this was the right girl in every other respect then I think you blew it.

Young couples have a lot to learn in life and if they are willing to do so and are able to work things out among themselves through compromising and sometimes giving in to the other spouse they will do fine.

My wife is different than me in a lot of respects and I am thankful that she is. Most important to me is she is a woman of great character and ethics, is a great wife and partner, was a great mother, is compassionate and caring, and we share the same faith and values. We are not on the same page with finances but we make it work, and have done so for 47 years.

Are you properly valuing the most important things in your relationship? I do not think so. Best wishes.
saladdin
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by saladdin »

traveler90 wrote:Man, if you loved her then these seem like waaaay too subtle and minor of disagreements to actually end it. I don't know how long you were together, but that seems like overkill? No couple is going to perfectly agree on everything.
Disagree. I'm in my 40's and every close friend I have number one issue with their partner is finances and it isn't even close. As you age, money becomes a very very important subject.

Love does not build a bridge.
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by Scamp »

We've never argued once about money, however that's because she leaves everything up to me. Maybe 90% of the time that's fine but it can be lonely/stressful at times. This generally suits both of our temperaments but there are times I think the grass looks greener in other teams, but I don't think I'd change anything. It works for us.

Oh and if it matters we were broke and scrimped (but didn't save). I started a business, worked my ass off and then retired early, so we've seen lots of different conditions together. We put off a kids until we felt financially stable which was latter than most folks do it.
Buffetologist
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by Buffetologist »

I subscribe to the old maxim

"Happy wife, happy life!"
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/2 ... 43596.html

The other stuff is just about money.

She deserves better.
likegarden
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by likegarden »

I think it is extreme to put a future wife through a financial check list. Love is most important. My wife's parents and my parents were frugal and had no debt, both of us had a college education and spent not excessively. After the wedding we combined our finances immediately and used her salary to save for a house. We did not plan financially 5 years ahead to get a child, we needed 5 years to have a child at all. Everything fell in place by itself.
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by virgingorda »

Just wanted to mention that my husband was "raised in the Boglehead tradition" but completely ignores all that advice and example setting, feeling his parents are too frugal to a fault. He's much more of a risk taker, and has done well career-wise, but at the same time, he hates even thinking about personal finances. Ironically, it was me who first heard of Jack Bogle from his father (my father-in-law) and I am the one to carry on the "family" tradition.
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Re: Disagreements with future spouse over finances: advice for young adult?

Post by fidobogo »

I think a big part of an SO relationship is being able to work through differences. You (meaning the couple) don't necessarily start out with this ability; if not, you have to develop it. To develop it, you have to know that you have to develop it, and you have to want to.

Maybe the question of whether you can develop that ability is more important than the question of whether you initially agree on all important points of personal finance.

Apologies if I'm saying something you already know.
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