close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

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bertie wooster
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by bertie wooster » Mon Jun 08, 2015 2:43 pm

LadyIJ wrote:Maybe friends are highly over-rated.
I think that is the wrong conclusion to draw from this experience. Friendships are one of the things that make life wonderful and something that should be treasured. But friendships change over time because of our changing values as we age and our experiences. It appears that this friendship may have run it's course.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by montanagirl » Mon Jun 08, 2015 2:52 pm

LadyIJ wrote:
Call_Me_Op wrote:I'm speechless - but I'll speak anyway. I think she owes you an apology, although I would not ask for one or expect one. In fact, if it were me, a gradual process of distancing would commence.
Yes, I was speechless as well. I will leave the door open though - I'm at a point in life where I have lost a lot of people I was close too.
Ah, I feel your pain. I've lost enough friends that those remaining are like this, dependent and bitter to boot.

Thanks for the reminder to just not Go There with my financial info, even if I risk looking as feckless as they.

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FreeAtLast
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by FreeAtLast » Mon Jun 08, 2015 3:05 pm

dickyboy - you must be telepathic, because you posted before me exactly what I was thinking to write in this thread.
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Abe
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Abe » Mon Jun 08, 2015 3:09 pm

I have learned from experience to never tell anyone your financial condition, especially friends and family. They will not be happy for you. If you put yourself in your friends shoes it makes more sense. You were financially responsible. Your friend was not, and she is suffering the effects of her poor choices. She doesn't want to hear about how well you are doing. As they say, "life is not fair".
Slow and steady wins the race.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by thenextguy » Mon Jun 08, 2015 3:11 pm

Tell her you did help her out with the taxes you paid.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by DVMResident » Mon Jun 08, 2015 3:13 pm

LadyIJ, thank you for sharing your story. It's a good lesson. If anything changes/resolves, I'd love to hear an update (even if it's 1+ year later).

*Bookmarked*

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Jozxyqk » Mon Jun 08, 2015 3:15 pm

goodenyou wrote:Pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed, and sloth. They are all destructive.
Reading this thread was interesting. I'm glad that the initial sentiment of people advising OP to ditch her buddy "get better friends," etc. seems to have lost out to cooler and more sensible heads suggesting that a 30 year friendship might be something worth working at a little.

I quoted goodenyou's post above because I think it might be the most perceptive of the bunch. My guess is that at least 5 of the seven deadly sins are involved here.** Ideally, both OP and her friend would look to themselves and see where they have been less than perfect, and realize that despite their imperfections and their friend's imperfections, friendships are one of the things that makes life worth living. There must be a hell of a lot of good there for it to have carried on for 30 years.

**I'm guessing OP: pride, anger, greed (?), envy (?) [of her friend's easier upbringing]. OP's friend: envy, greed, sloth, anger. If we could get a little lust and gluttony involved we'd have the sept-fecta!

ETA: I don't intend this post as religious. I am not a religious person. But I do believe in the value of looking to oneself. As another posted earlier, when you "inadvertently" "let slip" that you have a ton of money, or have some other admirable trait, often it's little more than bragging and the negative effect it has on another person was exactly what you, consciously or subconsciously, intended.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Fallible » Mon Jun 08, 2015 3:33 pm

Jozxyqk wrote:
goodenyou wrote:Pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed, and sloth. They are all destructive.
Reading this thread was interesting. I'm glad that the initial sentiment of people advising OP to ditch her buddy "get better friends," etc. seems to have lost out to cooler and more sensible heads suggesting that a 30 year friendship might be something worth working at a little.

I quoted goodenyou's post above because I think it might be the most perceptive of the bunch. My guess is that at least 5 of the seven deadly sins are involved here.** Ideally, both OP and her friend would look to themselves and see where they have been less than perfect, and realize that despite their imperfections and their friend's imperfections, friendships are one of the things that makes life worth living. There must be a hell of a lot of good there for it to have carried on for 30 years.

**I'm guessing OP: pride, anger, greed (?), envy (?) [of her friend's easier upbringing]. OP's friend: envy, greed, sloth, anger. If we could get a little lust and gluttony involved we'd have the sept-fecta!

ETA: I don't intend this post as religious. I am not a religious person. But I do believe in the value of looking to oneself. As another posted earlier, when you "inadvertently" "let slip" that you have a ton of money, or have some other admirable trait, often it's little more than bragging and the negative effect it has on another person was exactly what you, consciously or subconsciously, intended.
An insightful, wise post about the often underestimated value of friendship.

Also, FWIW, a problem with responding properly to topics like these is that we weren't there to hear and see for ourselves the exchange between the OP and her friend, and we have only one side of it. Just something to remember when we try to offer good advice and a long friendship may be at stake.
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FelixTheCat
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by FelixTheCat » Mon Jun 08, 2015 3:42 pm

I am sorry for your pain. I suggest giving your friend some time. Everything will be ok.
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Twins Fan » Mon Jun 08, 2015 3:44 pm

Yes, I don't think we need to go assigning sins to anyone not knowing how the topic even came up in the first place. Or, we soon won't have a thread to comment in here. :happy

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by White Coat Investor » Mon Jun 08, 2015 3:48 pm

LadyIJ wrote:
EmergDoc wrote:And thus we see the origin of socioeconomic classes. Now you no longer feel comfortable hanging around her and she doesn't feel comfortable hanging around you. Funny thing money.

I know a highly-positioned and reimbursed health care executive who bought a Porsche, but sold it after 3 months. He didn't like how people looked at him when he was driving it.

I understand, one has to be so careful, and yet, we have friends whom I know have more than us (they divulge) and I don't care at all, it's just an inspiration. I think my friend's grievance is that she considers herself "religious" and a MOM, and I am not religious and I am not a mom and she views me as mercenary and my choice was to make money. Well, heck yes. Maybe friends are highly over-rated.
Me too. I'm much more comfortable talking about money with those who have more than those who have less. As our net worth builds, however, that group becomes smaller and smaller.
1) Invest you must 2) Time is your friend 3) Impulse is your enemy | 4) Basic arithmetic works 5) Stick to simplicity 6) Stay the course

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by LadyIJ » Mon Jun 08, 2015 3:49 pm

Josiecat wrote:How do these people just 'not work' and get social services? Don't they have to at least attempt to find work? This bothers me. Could I just quit my job and get these services? Just wondering how this all works. :shock:


It's always really ticked me off - big time. I never collected anything - oh maybe ONCE got some unemployment in 40 years of working.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Uncle Pennybags » Mon Jun 08, 2015 3:55 pm

LadyIJ wrote:They went bankrupt, while my parents were blue collar workers and my mom still has money in her 80's.
So the family's money was other people's money. Maybe that is where she gets it from.

When "friends" ask me;
“Hey, buddy, can you spare a dime?”
I tell them;
“Sorry, son, all my money is tied up in currency.” – W.C. Fields

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by dratkinson » Mon Jun 08, 2015 3:57 pm

Don't believe OP made a mistake. Instead believe OP's friend added 2 + 2... and discovered a previously untapped pool of resources.

Believe RetiredJG's reply to be wise. Maybe friend was having a bad day and over reacted. See how things go in future. Let her determine future course.

If OP wants, can give gifts of money, but never a loan, as it will most probably never be repaid. And expecting it to be....

If OP doesn't want to become friend's another-income-stream, then don't give money gifts.



Full disclosure. After high school, my worthless brother (high school friend) was often in my pocket to fund one (failed) scheme after another. His every approach was always the same, innocent chit-chat before seqwaying into a new money-making idea. It wouldn't take much... it never did. But it always cost more later because of some unforeseen event that threatened success, and we (I) didn't want to lose our investment. I always did, thought he seemed to do okay.

It took many years before I understood WB practiced the "greater fool" theory wealth redistribution.... After this I computed he had, over the years, gotten into my pocket for >$100K... and understood that I could no longer afford to rent his friendship.

There is a visceral pain associated with letting go. But it's sharpest point comes from understand that I was never his friend, but just a pool of resources to be tapped. I'd have been much better off learning this lesson sooner.



The ball is in OP's friend's court.

If friend truly values their friendship, that will become obvious. A temporary bad day can be ignored.

If friend values more what OP's resources can do for her, that too will become obvious. A friendship based on what OP can do for her is not a true friendship. OP must ignore any letting-go emotional pain.
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by WL2034 » Mon Jun 08, 2015 4:02 pm

LadyIJ wrote: Part of this is a cautionary tale - I really thought with all the money she grew up with, she would be happy for me.
She came from a wealthy (or at least high-spending) family and is now poor. You did not come from money and are now rich (by her standards, at least). Why did you think she would be happy for you? It's your choice who you tell about your finances, but I don't find this outcome surprising.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by 555 » Mon Jun 08, 2015 4:14 pm

The situation can be made quite simple. No discussions about money. No money gifts. No loans. If the friendship/aquaintanceship continues, then fine. If not, then oh well.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Uncle Pennybags » Mon Jun 08, 2015 4:23 pm

Wricha wrote:ou: you made faux pas by bring up your personal wealth (not the best move).
Maybe maybe not. I purchased a new car and paid cash. What should one say when asked about payments?
DaftInvestor wrote:My wife once made the mistake about complaining about "the new Additional Medicare tax" to another couple over dinner without realizing it was a dead-give-away ...
Or mentioning that it's great to have extra money when they stop taking out Social Security tax. A harmless statement at work but oops when out with the great unwashed.

I noticed Bogleheads are the ones being asked for a dime and not doing the asking. :beer

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by toto238 » Mon Jun 08, 2015 4:27 pm

LadyIJ wrote:
Josiecat wrote:How do these people just 'not work' and get social services? Don't they have to at least attempt to find work? This bothers me. Could I just quit my job and get these services? Just wondering how this all works. :shock:


It's always really ticked me off - big time. I never collected anything - oh maybe ONCE got some unemployment in 40 years of working.
I don't want to send this off into a political direction, but suffice it to say that by itself, government services are a horrible way to live. Is it possible to live on only gov programs? I guess. Seeing the people who live like that though... I don't think anyone chooses to live that way.

More likely is that the person benefits from a combination of the government and other sources, such as alimony, child support, well-meaning relatives/friends, etc.

So no, you couldn't just quit your job and be set. Government services in the US are so meager there is absolutely no way for a person to live on them and maintain their dignity.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by stoptothink » Mon Jun 08, 2015 4:33 pm

toto238 wrote:
LadyIJ wrote:
Josiecat wrote:How do these people just 'not work' and get social services? Don't they have to at least attempt to find work? This bothers me. Could I just quit my job and get these services? Just wondering how this all works. :shock:


It's always really ticked me off - big time. I never collected anything - oh maybe ONCE got some unemployment in 40 years of working.
I don't want to send this off into a political direction, but suffice it to say that by itself, government services are a horrible way to live. Is it possible to live on only gov programs? I guess. Seeing the people who live like that though... I don't think anyone chooses to live that way.

More likely is that the person benefits from a combination of the government and other sources, such as alimony, child support, well-meaning relatives/friends, etc.

So no, you couldn't just quit your job and be set. Government services in the US are so meager there is absolutely no way for a person to live on them and maintain their dignity.
I have a direct family member who does just that (quit her job and lives completely off public assistance, despite having having no tangible barrier to employment). There are people who do it and I don't think they are really concerned about their dignity.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by MidMNtom » Mon Jun 08, 2015 4:36 pm

I've learned the hard way. People who care dont matter.....people who matter don't care.

A true friend would be happy for you. It's always hard to loose a old friend though. We often have euphoric memory when in reality it the friendship was probably slipping for some time.

Best of luck.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Doom&Gloom » Mon Jun 08, 2015 4:38 pm

dratkinson wrote:Don't believe OP made a mistake. Instead believe OP's friend added 2 + 2... and discovered a previously untapped pool of resources.

Believe RetiredJG's reply to be wise. Maybe friend was having a bad day and over reacted. See how things go in future. Let her determine future course.

If OP wants, can give gifts of money, but never a loan, as it will most probably never be repaid. And expecting it to be....

If OP doesn't want to become friend's another-income-stream, then don't give money gifts.



Full disclosure. After high school, my worthless brother (high school friend) was often in my pocket to fund one (failed) scheme after another. His every approach was always the same, innocent chit-chat before seqwaying into a new money-making idea. It wouldn't take much... it never did. But it always cost more later because of some unforeseen event that threatened success, and we (I) didn't want to lose our investment. I always did, thought he seemed to do okay.

It took many years before I understood WB practiced the "greater fool" theory wealth redistribution.... After this I computed he had, over the years, gotten into my pocket for >$100K... and understood that I could no longer afford to rent his friendship.

There is a visceral pain associated with letting go. But it's sharpest point comes from understand that I was never his friend, but just a pool of resources to be tapped. I'd have been much better off learning this lesson sooner.



The ball is in OP's friend's court.

If friend truly values their friendship, that will become obvious. A temporary bad day can be ignored.

If friend values more what OP's resources can do for her, that too will become obvious. A friendship based on what OP can do for her is not a true friendship. OP must ignore any letting-go emotional pain.
Agree with this. I'm afraid the landscape of this relationship has probably been forever altered. I doubt that OP's friend will ever look at OP in the same light again, but time will tell.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by toto238 » Mon Jun 08, 2015 4:47 pm

stoptothink wrote:
toto238 wrote:
LadyIJ wrote:
Josiecat wrote:How do these people just 'not work' and get social services? Don't they have to at least attempt to find work? This bothers me. Could I just quit my job and get these services? Just wondering how this all works. :shock:


It's always really ticked me off - big time. I never collected anything - oh maybe ONCE got some unemployment in 40 years of working.
I don't want to send this off into a political direction, but suffice it to say that by itself, government services are a horrible way to live. Is it possible to live on only gov programs? I guess. Seeing the people who live like that though... I don't think anyone chooses to live that way.

More likely is that the person benefits from a combination of the government and other sources, such as alimony, child support, well-meaning relatives/friends, etc.

So no, you couldn't just quit your job and be set. Government services in the US are so meager there is absolutely no way for a person to live on them and maintain their dignity.
I have a direct family member who does just that (quit her job and lives completely off public assistance, despite having having no tangible barrier to employment). There are people who do it and I don't think they are really concerned about their dignity.
It's really sad. Seeing people without their dignity like that. I wouldn't change places with them for anything.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by jabberwockOG » Mon Jun 08, 2015 4:56 pm

This situation affects a lot of folks. I have 7 childhood friends that I am still in close contact with after 35 years. Each person is in a different spot financially from 1 guy being worth 100+ mil to 2 guys living paycheck to paycheck. I am in the middle being comfortable and have no issues talking about money with the other 3 individuals who are in same shape or better. No one has to hide or disguise their financial situation but but as a group we generally stay far away from topics of money, income, or wealth. I can also report that the difference in net worth in this group of 8 men after 35 years can be 100% graphed as a direct linear relationship to the amount of hard work/discipline put into their life/career/education as well as the avoidance of drugs/alcohol.

In this specific OP's case where 2 friends have a very large difference in assets and financial security, I would suggest that moving forward that the person decline to participate in any discussions about money, and absolutely no money gifts and no loans. If the "poor" friend insists on continued money discussions then sadly it is time to hit the eject button.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by ERISA Stone » Mon Jun 08, 2015 4:59 pm

Uncle Pennybags wrote:Maybe maybe not. I purchased a new car and paid cash. What should one say when asked about payments?
Lie

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by tj » Mon Jun 08, 2015 5:04 pm

Josiecat wrote:How do these people just 'not work' and get social services? Don't they have to at least attempt to find work? This bothers me. Could I just quit my job and get these services? Just wondering how this all works. :shock:
State-specific, but a lot have asset tests. You can't just quit and get freebies when you have $$ in the bank. But if you spent everything, yuo'd be good to go. :oops:

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by General Disarray » Mon Jun 08, 2015 5:10 pm

ERISA Stone wrote:
Uncle Pennybags wrote:Maybe maybe not. I purchased a new car and paid cash. What should one say when asked about payments?
Lie
I'd like to think that most people are tactful enough as to not ask about the method of payment (all cash vs. loan, etc.). As for the car price, anyone can get that information with a quick search. But if someone were as untactful enough as to ask, rather than lying, maybe respond by saying that you do not wish to discuss personal finances.

While I have no doubt that the OP's friend may be financially irresponsible, I suspect that part of the friend's indignation has to do with her sense that the OP is making a moral judgment of her. Look at the OP's original post and subsequent posts, most of which stress how irresponsible the friend is, and, conversely, how responsible she (the OP) is.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by sls239 » Mon Jun 08, 2015 5:11 pm

It is possible to be happy for someone and still have a moment or two of bitter envy.

It isn't one or the other.

Just like you can empathize with her poverty and still be exasperated with her bad choices.

It isn't one or the other.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by The Wizard » Mon Jun 08, 2015 5:35 pm

I think it has to do with SHARING in a weird way.
Let's say you drop over in the afternoon and I have a dozen chocolate bars or cans of beer. It makes sense to offer you one, right?
But what if I have a dozen hundred dollar bills, just lying around unspent, just wasting away?

If the above sounds absurd, then you have just stumbled on the essence of the problem...
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by cheese_breath » Mon Jun 08, 2015 5:47 pm

I can’t believe the posters who have tried turning the victim of this attack into the villain. Even if down on her luck a true friend would have been happy, or at least pretended to be, for the results of OP’s hard work. Instead she’s mad because OP didn’t offer to share it with her, although she would have said “No” if offered.. yeah right! What has this woman done to entitle her to any of OP’s money or to criticize her for earning it? Grew up wealthy, never worked a day in her life, living off alimony and our tax dollars? And now OP’s the villain for not being ‘more sensitive’ to the woman born with a silver spoon in her mouth (which she probably hocked at the pawn shop)? So now OP should ‘be understanding’ and tippy toe around anything that might offend the other woman’s feelings?
LadyIJ wrote: I think my friend's grievance is that she considers herself "religious" and a MOM, and I am not religious and I am not a mom and she views me as mercenary and my choice was to make money.
I’m religious too, but I see nothing wrong with working hard to provide for yourself rather than sponging off others. You’ve done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of.
The surest way to know the future is when it becomes the past.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by WL2034 » Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:01 pm

cheese_breath wrote:I can’t believe the posters who have tried turning the victim of this attack into the villain. Even if down on her luck a true friend would have been happy, or at least pretended to be, for the results of OP’s hard work. Instead she’s mad because OP didn’t offer to share it with her, although she would have said “No” if offered.. yeah right! What has this woman done to entitle her to any of OP’s money or to criticize her for earning it? Grew up wealthy, never worked a day in her life, living off alimony and our tax dollars? And now OP’s the villain for not being ‘more sensitive’ to the woman born with a silver spoon in her mouth (which she probably hocked at the pawn shop)? So now OP should ‘be understanding’ and tippy toe around anything that might offend the other woman’s feelings?
LadyIJ wrote: I think my friend's grievance is that she considers herself "religious" and a MOM, and I am not religious and I am not a mom and she views me as mercenary and my choice was to make money.
I’m religious too, but I see nothing wrong with working hard to provide for yourself rather than sponging off others. You’ve done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of.
Just to be clear, I don't have much sympathy for the friend and probably wouldn't choose to be friends with someone like this. However, I am 0% surprised that this woman was not happy for her friend's success. To expect her to be happy for her runs counter to my experiences in life.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by midareff » Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:10 pm

cheese_breath wrote:Move on and forget about her. If she's jealous because you worked hard to provide for yourself she's not your friend.

Wise words from cheese.....

I have a few close friends who have an vague idea I'm a 2 comma member besides SS and pension. They have mostly followed my lead, high savings rate, no wasteful spending, taken investment advice and so forth. They will have good retirements too. Had a very long time friend from my college days who needed some help. I helped her and got paid back without interest, or even the costs I had to send her the money, some seven years later. She let slip the only reason she asked for the money was because she didn't want to break a mega buck CD she had at a bank. FWIW, some folks aren't worth being friends with and that put her in that category.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by TomatoTomahto » Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:19 pm

She let slip the only reason she asked for the money was because she didn't want to break a mega buck CD she had at a bank.
Okay. Now I've heard it all.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by midareff » Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:21 pm

cheese_breath wrote:I can’t believe the posters who have tried turning the victim of this attack into the villain. Even if down on her luck a true friend would have been happy, or at least pretended to be, for the results of OP’s hard work. Instead she’s mad because OP didn’t offer to share it with her, although she would have said “No” if offered.. yeah right! What has this woman done to entitle her to any of OP’s money or to criticize her for earning it? spoon in her mouth (which she probably hocked at the pawn shop)? So now OP should ‘be understanding’ and tippy toe around anything that might offend the other woman’s fGrew up wealthy, never worked a day in her life, living off alimony and our tax dollars? And now OP’s the villain for not being ‘more sensitive’ to the woman born with a silver eelings?
LadyIJ wrote: I think my friend's grievance is that she considers herself "religious" and a MOM, and I am not religious and I am not a mom and she views me as mercenary and my choice was to make money.
I’m religious too, but I see nothing wrong with working hard to provide for yourself rather than sponging off others. You’ve done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of.

Cheese is looking smarter with every post of his I read. Isn't it said the good Lord helps those who help themselves? Are you thinking he meant to friends hard earned savings? Let's not go to charity either... charity is Wounded Warrior, Operation Smile, Fred Hollows Foundation and UNICEF. I'm just plugging my favorites here but it should let you get my drift.
I grew up very lower middle class, if that. I got the couch in a one bedroom rent controlled apartment. My parents worked hard all their lives an lived vey modestly but were able to put me through private college without debt. They were my role models and I worked hard and saved just as they did. What you do with your life is a conscious choice. If you choose to live on alimony, never work, and let the world support you then let it be so. IMHO, someone who chooses not to work but rather to live off others by alimony and tax dollars has no entitlement to my money and letting me know they feel differently would be our last shared communication.

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Uncle Pennybags
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Uncle Pennybags » Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:23 pm

General Disarray wrote:
ERISA Stone wrote:
Uncle Pennybags wrote:Maybe maybe not. I purchased a new car and paid cash. What should one say when asked about payments?
Lie
I'd like to think that most people are tactful enough as to not ask about the method of payment (all cash vs. loan, etc.). As for the car price, anyone can get that information with a quick search.
I bought the car in January 2009. GM and Chrysler were going under and Ford was almost giving cars away. It was a impulse buy of a Mustang GT by a an old guy. I made what I thought was a ridiculous offer and to my surprise they accepted it.

It was hard to avoid a car conversation about midlife crisis, gas mileage, insurance and such with family and friends. I'm not a very good lair BTW. Sometimes people figure out one may have more money than appears on their own. Just saying my REITs have been a dog this year gives the hustlers a clue.

dolphinsaremammals
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by dolphinsaremammals » Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:28 pm

toto238 wrote:
EmergDoc wrote:And thus we see the origin of socioeconomic classes. Now you no longer feel comfortable hanging around her and she doesn't feel comfortable hanging around you. Funny thing money.
This is how it happens, indeed. Suddenly hanging around friends who aren't as well-to-do can become awkward. Hanging around people much better off than you can become awkward.
I don't believe this. I have friends all the way from people who really have to pinch pennies to really upper middle class. I wouldn't be surprised if some of the latter take home a quarter mil or more a year, which is a level of money I never saw when I was working. What we have in common is we're all sensible. How much money do you have is never a topic. It depends on what your values are.

OP, I am sorry you are in this situation. Only time will tell if this friendship endures. Bit one thing I would caution about is not letting this become a financial drain on you. Your friend apparently had plenty of opportunities to work and chose not to.

downshiftme
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by downshiftme » Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:33 pm

I'd like to think that most people are tactful enough as to not ask about the method of payment (all cash vs. loan, etc.).
I would have thought the same, and for myself I cannot imagine asking such a question except with a very good friend in a very special situation. However my experience has been the opposite, and a surprising number of people regularly ask intrusive questions about the cost of things, the method of payment, general value of my house and size of the mortgage and all sorts of other topics I would have considered impolite at best, intrusive and rude in almost all cases. Maybe it's a cultural difference or a cultural shift? It makes me uncomfortable to be asked, as well as uncomfortable when I decline to answer or use some vague platitude to deflect the conversation. It happens much more than I would ever have expected.

dolphinsaremammals
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by dolphinsaremammals » Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:39 pm

Josiecat wrote:How do these people just 'not work' and get social services? Don't they have to at least attempt to find work? This bothers me. Could I just quit my job and get these services? Just wondering how this all works. :shock:
[OT comments removed by admin LadyGeek]

When I got unemployment after being laid off, I had to prove I was sending out resumes. Eventually unemployment runs out, I don't know what happens then if one has no job and no money.

[OT comments removed by admin LadyGeek]

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obgyn65
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by obgyn65 » Mon Jun 08, 2015 6:46 pm

+1
FelixTheCat wrote:I am sorry for your pain. I suggest giving your friend some time. Everything will be ok.
"The two most important days in someone's life are the day that they are born and the day they discover why." -John Maxwell

bayview
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by bayview » Mon Jun 08, 2015 8:40 pm

Uncle Pennybags wrote:
General Disarray wrote:
ERISA Stone wrote:
Uncle Pennybags wrote:Maybe maybe not. I purchased a new car and paid cash. What should one say when asked about payments?
Lie
I'd like to think that most people are tactful enough as to not ask about the method of payment (all cash vs. loan, etc.). As for the car price, anyone can get that information with a quick search.
I bought the car in January 2009. GM and Chrysler were going under and Ford was almost giving cars away. It was a impulse buy of a Mustang GT by a an old guy. I made what I thought was a ridiculous offer and to my surprise they accepted it.

It was hard to avoid a car conversation about midlife crisis, gas mileage, insurance and such with family and friends. I'm not a very good lair BTW. Sometimes people figure out one may have more money than appears on their own. Just saying my REITs have been a dog this year gives the hustlers a clue.
"Oh gosh, I can't remember off the top of my head. I do all that sort of thing with automatic withdrawals from my checking account. Why do you ask?"
The continuous execution of a sound strategy gives you the benefit of the strategy. That's what it's all about. --Rick Ferri

Blackjack200
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Blackjack200 » Mon Jun 08, 2015 8:57 pm

General Disarray wrote: I'd like to think that most people are tactful enough as to not ask about the method of payment (all cash vs. loan, etc.). As for the car price, anyone can get that information with a quick search. But if someone were as untactful enough as to ask, rather than lying, maybe respond by saying that you do not wish to discuss personal finances.

While I have no doubt that the OP's friend may be financially irresponsible, I suspect that part of the friend's indignation has to do with her sense that the OP is making a moral judgment of her. Look at the OP's original post and subsequent posts, most of which stress how irresponsible the friend is, and, conversely, how responsible she (the OP) is.
One of the reasons that discussing finances is taboo is that we generally consider financial status to be a an indicator of character. Look no further than the posts in this thread which are full of indignant posts about "people on the dole" and self satisfied stories of humble working class beginnings that have been turned into substantial wealth by the hard work and thrift of the poster.

The OP has consistently evaded the question of how this "slip" happened. I think it's an important detail. Or maybe not: it doesn't really sound to me like there's much of a friendship here at all. It doesn't sound like the OP respects her friend, and it sounds like the friend resents the OP, so why sort it out? Just move on.

ERISA Stone
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by ERISA Stone » Mon Jun 08, 2015 9:08 pm

bayview wrote:
Uncle Pennybags wrote:
General Disarray wrote:
ERISA Stone wrote:
Uncle Pennybags wrote:Maybe maybe not. I purchased a new car and paid cash. What should one say when asked about payments?
Lie
I'd like to think that most people are tactful enough as to not ask about the method of payment (all cash vs. loan, etc.). As for the car price, anyone can get that information with a quick search.
I bought the car in January 2009. GM and Chrysler were going under and Ford was almost giving cars away. It was a impulse buy of a Mustang GT by a an old guy. I made what I thought was a ridiculous offer and to my surprise they accepted it.

It was hard to avoid a car conversation about midlife crisis, gas mileage, insurance and such with family and friends. I'm not a very good lair BTW. Sometimes people figure out one may have more money than appears on their own. Just saying my REITs have been a dog this year gives the hustlers a clue.
"Oh gosh, I can't remember off the top of my head. I do all that sort of thing with automatic withdrawals from my checking account. Why do you ask?"
Like I said, lie :-)

clutchied
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by clutchied » Mon Jun 08, 2015 9:14 pm

I suppose this is a good example of why wealth doesn't last past the 3rd gen usually.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by LadyGeek » Mon Jun 08, 2015 9:37 pm

This thread has run its course and is locked (topic exhausted, we're now getting into relationship issues). See: Forum Policy
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