close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

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LadyIJ
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close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by LadyIJ » Mon Jun 08, 2015 11:19 am

Did anyone make this mistake, let loose some info that one totally regrets - loose (loose lips) :oops:
A friend I have known for over 30 years - grew up wealthy, I grew up in a working class environment - I worked hard all of these years and have done without to accrue financial security. She never worked a day in her life - collects alimony and now aid. She really let me have it yesterday, saying when she put two and two together - what I have - and all this time I could have offered to help her - she claims she would have said "no" but the offer would have meant a lot. I bit my tongue as she is a good person, albeit on the taxpayer's dole, and not wanting to flush 30 years of friendship down the drain. Part of this is a cautionary tale - I really thought with all the money she grew up with, she would be happy for me. I don't want to give or lend money. But, if anyone has any words of wisdom on how to carry on - or backtrack, yes I would certainly appreciate hearing from you. Yep, I could say - I'm already supporting you with my tax dollars, and your aid and Medicaid is worth a lot of money, my withdrawals will be taxed, but you all know where this would go.
Dumb, dumb, dumb.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Carefreeap » Mon Jun 08, 2015 11:23 am

Did she actually ask you for help?

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by cheese_breath » Mon Jun 08, 2015 11:25 am

Move on and forget about her. If she's jealous because you worked hard to provide for yourself she's not your friend.
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LadyIJ
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by LadyIJ » Mon Jun 08, 2015 11:25 am

Carefreeap wrote:Did she actually ask you for help?
no, but she may now . . . I did start backtracking by saying it's all in retirement money and taxable. I'm seething, actually. It's a lesson for me and anyone on this board.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by gks » Mon Jun 08, 2015 11:29 am

cheese_breath wrote:Move on and forget about her. If she's jealous because you worked hard to provide for yourself she's not your friend.
My thoughts, also.

Greg

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by joelly » Mon Jun 08, 2015 11:37 am

LadyIJ wrote:
Carefreeap wrote:Did she actually ask you for help?
no, but she may now . . . I did start backtracking by saying it's all in retirement money and taxable. I'm seething, actually. It's a lesson for me and anyone on this board.
Nonetheless, she is not your friend, I'm sorry this comes into realization after years of friendship. But hey everything happens for a reason.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by keystone » Mon Jun 08, 2015 11:46 am

My friendship with this individual would have ended right after the awkward rant.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by mptfan » Mon Jun 08, 2015 11:48 am

keystone wrote:My friendship with this individual would have ended right after the awkward rant.
I agree.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by an_asker » Mon Jun 08, 2015 11:50 am

mptfan wrote:
keystone wrote:My friendship with this individual would have ended right after the awkward rant.
I agree.
+1!

OP, would you mind sharing how it happened that friend came to learn about all this?

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by UADM » Mon Jun 08, 2015 11:52 am

She is not a true friend. End of story.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by 8foot7 » Mon Jun 08, 2015 11:54 am

It's a shame but anyone who acts like this doesn't have your best interests at heart and thus is not a true friend.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by surfstar » Mon Jun 08, 2015 11:54 am

Offer to help - show her how classified ads work and tell her about this thing called a "resume".

Do not give her a dime. Sad to hear, maybe she'll turn around on the friendship after she does some self-realization. Don't hold your breath.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by White Coat Investor » Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:02 pm

And thus we see the origin of socioeconomic classes. Now you no longer feel comfortable hanging around her and she doesn't feel comfortable hanging around you. Funny thing money.

I know a highly-positioned and reimbursed health care executive who bought a Porsche, but sold it after 3 months. He didn't like how people looked at him when he was driving it.
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Twins Fan » Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:02 pm

I can understand hoping the friendship continues since there is 30 years there. But, unfortunately I don't think it will continue. This friend seems to have a very bad attitude about money and that it should be given to her. She now knows you have money and that will continue to come up...... and why you didn't offer to help.... and that she would have said no (yeah, right).... and... This issue, which shouldn't be an issue, will not go away for her.

My feelings on it anyway from reading a couple posts about it.

I would respectfully tell the friend you two have been friends for a long time and would like that to continue, money never had anything to do with the friendship, and money should not change anything now. See where it goes from there. I would not talk about helping her through taxes or anything like that. Nothing good would come from it.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Carefreeap » Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:04 pm

LadyIJ wrote:
Carefreeap wrote:Did she actually ask you for help?
no, but she may now . . . I did start backtracking by saying it's all in retirement money and taxable. I'm seething, actually. It's a lesson for me and anyone on this board.
What happened to her wealthy family?

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by prudent » Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:08 pm

Wow, that's awkward. As far as "backtracking", you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. If you want to try to salvage the friendship, don't bring it up again and see if she lets it drop also. I would try to avoid any discussion about the topic because nothing good will come from it.

Was she ever destitute? Hungry? Sleeping under a bridge? Unable to afford basic health care? Completely stressed out by lack of money? If none of those occurred (I'm betting they did not), and she brings it up again, I would say "I'm sorry you feel that way." DO NOT try to explain or justify why you did or didn't do something. It won't help at all.

If your friend is basically a "taker" - someone who always feels entitled to more and/or what others have - she won't change how she feels. You can't change that.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by retiredjg » Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:09 pm

I think she may actually be your friend, just under the pressure of the moment. It is hard to believe she could be that much different from the person you have known for 30 years. Say nothing, leave her alone, and see if it blows over.

If it turns out she is a friend who was having a bad moment, things may return to normal. If she asks for money, do not give her a loan, give her a gift if you are so inclined. If not, don't give her anything.

If she turns out to be a taker instead of a friend, just tell her that you've found that it is unwise to get financially involved with friends and increase the distance in your relationship at that time.

It is easy to see why you are livid, but that too will pass.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by goingup » Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:12 pm

You don't throw out a 30 yr friendship over a couple of awkward rants. Sounds as though you learned your lesson about sharing financial information with others. It's usually a bad idea. Be prepared if she brings up the topic again.

I might show empathy by saying something to the effect, "I know it hasn't been easy for you." Downplay your own situation by saying it's precarious or the future is always uncertain. If you're asked for money and you have no desire to do that just state that you feel you're not in a position to do it.

My suggestion is to leave the topic alone unless she brings it up. Then repair what you can. Give feelings time to cool/heal. Of course, she is the one with very poor form here, but sometimes friends/family act badly. The trick is to keep the friend without feeling resentful or manipulated.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Doom&Gloom » Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:23 pm

In my world, she would have moved from "friend" to "acquaintance."

And in my experience, once that transition has taken place, it is rare that "friend" status is re-gained.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by goingup » Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:30 pm

retiredjg wrote:I think she may actually be your friend, just under the pressure of the moment. It is hard to believe she could be that much different from the person you have known for 30 years. Say nothing, leave her alone, and see if it blows over.

If it turns out she is a friend who was having a bad moment, things may return to normal. If she asks for money, do not give her a loan, give her a gift if you are so inclined. If not, don't give her anything.

If she turns out to be a taker instead of a friend, just tell her that you've found that it is unwise to get financially involved with friends and increase the distance in your relationship at that time.

It is easy to see why you are livid, but that too will pass.
Nice post, Jan. If you and I had ever been friends, we'd probably stay that way. :wink:

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Spirit Rider » Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:39 pm

Unfortunately, as we have found out from threads on sharing financial assets with family/in-laws/friends and sharing the joy of paying off your mortgage, risks this response.

It tends to follow familiar patterns. Those who are likeminded and planned for their financial future are more likely to be supportive and congratulate you. This seems to be true even if they have not been as successful. Whereas, those who live for today and make no planning for their financial future are jealous and somehow don't believe you deserve it. This can be true even if their income is far more substantial than yours ever was.

Though, I agree with the other sentiments to try and salvage this friendship. Many friendships have ups and downs, this to may pass.
Last edited by Spirit Rider on Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Bogle101 » Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:40 pm

Pick better friends?
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by toto238 » Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:42 pm

EmergDoc wrote:And thus we see the origin of socioeconomic classes. Now you no longer feel comfortable hanging around her and she doesn't feel comfortable hanging around you. Funny thing money.

I know a highly-positioned and reimbursed health care executive who bought a Porsche, but sold it after 3 months. He didn't like how people looked at him when he was driving it.
This is how it happens, indeed. Suddenly hanging around friends who aren't as well-to-do can become awkward. Hanging around people much better off than you can become awkward.

Right now, when I talk to my less well-off friends I assure them that I have tens of thousands of student loan debt so I actually have a negative net worth. But I say this with a feeling of dishonesty because I know I'm better off than them. Yeah their net worth is temporarily higher than mine. But my income is so much higher that within 2-3 years my net worth will far exceed theirs. And my career path is one that will likely lead to me making a six figure salary before age 30, while they may make closer to $30k if they succeed in finding full-time work.

There is an understanding between me and them that I am better off. But there's also an understanding that we are not a charity. If a friend says they need a few hundred bucks for a suit for a job interview, I won't even ask for the money back. I'll just give it. If a friend needs a couch to crash on while he gets back on his feet, my couch is open. But someone who expects me to be a parent to them is not a friend.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by laughlinlvr » Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:44 pm

I'm in agreement that you you don't throw out decades of friendship over a lapse in judgment. Especially since you're the one whose judgement lapsed. What you got was a surprise from left field at what this new information did to your friend. Before taking any advice to forget the friendship and move on, I would see what this new information does to it. Your friend didn't think you had a lot of money, but you do. She has grounds for feeling misled by you. I would try to get across that you prefer not to disclose your situation and have found it better never to mention it. You got into the habit, but felt that you and she have been close enough that she could learn the truth.
FWIW I have tried different disclosure/secrecy in different project work environments. The one that works best for me is secrecy. What I've learned is that if you're not ostentatious then others will not assume you're wealthy. If you're living a life free of financial stress they'll conclude you're not hurting either.
The thing about your friend is that she has been hurting in the past - apparently - and felt you were deaf to her plight. I think you would do well to examine what in her past caused financial stress and whether you were in fact indifferent to it. I think that in that examination lies the way forward with this new information between you two.
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by leonard » Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:47 pm

LadyIJ wrote:Did anyone make this mistake, let loose some info that one totally regrets - loose (loose lips) :oops:
A friend I have known for over 30 years - grew up wealthy, I grew up in a working class environment - I worked hard all of these years and have done without to accrue financial security. She never worked a day in her life - collects alimony and now aid. She really let me have it yesterday, saying when she put two and two together - what I have - and all this time I could have offered to help her - she claims she would have said "no" but the offer would have meant a lot. I bit my tongue as she is a good person, albeit on the taxpayer's dole, and not wanting to flush 30 years of friendship down the drain. Part of this is a cautionary tale - I really thought with all the money she grew up with, she would be happy for me. I don't want to give or lend money. But, if anyone has any words of wisdom on how to carry on - or backtrack, yes I would certainly appreciate hearing from you. Yep, I could say - I'm already supporting you with my tax dollars, and your aid and Medicaid is worth a lot of money, my withdrawals will be taxed, but you all know where this would go.
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
You may have financial assets - but perhaps she didn't fully appreciate your mortgage, the second mortgage you had to take out a few years ago after the '08 stock crash, not to mention the car loans etc. (insert wink smiley here). You may have some financial assets, but these debts worry you every day!!
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by TomatoTomahto » Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:55 pm

goingup wrote:
retiredjg wrote:I think she may actually be your friend, just under the pressure of the moment. It is hard to believe she could be that much different from the person you have known for 30 years. Say nothing, leave her alone, and see if it blows over.

If it turns out she is a friend who was having a bad moment, things may return to normal. If she asks for money, do not give her a loan, give her a gift if you are so inclined. If not, don't give her anything.

If she turns out to be a taker instead of a friend, just tell her that you've found that it is unwise to get financially involved with friends and increase the distance in your relationship at that time.

It is easy to see why you are livid, but that too will pass.
Nice post, Jan. If you and I had ever been friends, we'd probably stay that way. :wink:
I agree. OP, your poor friend (and I say poor in the non-financial sense) appears to have been taken care of by her family, then by her husband, then by her ex-husband, and finally by the government (ie, all of us taxpayers). She needs to understand that if the dole isn't sufficient, you can't be expected to step in, and she needs to find a combination of lifestyle change and/or income that works for her. At best you can offer some help in transition.

I hope that she was under stress at the time, and reverts to being your friend. If she was able to put two and two together to figure out your financial situation, let's hope that she can also look carefully at her own.
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by grettman » Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:57 pm

What information did you provide that when added up gave her enough to figure out that you had some wealth? At the time you provided the information what was your reason for doing so? I am sure you have done this already but when I say something I later regret, I some times find out after a lot of instrospection, is that my reason for doing so was less than "innoncent". (i.e., I didn't just make a whoopsie -- I had bad intentions). I am not saying at all you have done this. Just suggesting that you challenge yourself and make sure you are the side of "right" before making a determination as to what you do next. In my view, this is an important step to take.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by arcticpineapplecorp. » Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:03 pm

Carefreeap wrote:
LadyIJ wrote:
Carefreeap wrote:Did she actually ask you for help?
no, but she may now . . . I did start backtracking by saying it's all in retirement money and taxable. I'm seething, actually. It's a lesson for me and anyone on this board.
What happened to her wealthy family?
I was thinking something similar--what does "she grew up in a wealthy family" mean? Did she have wealth or just her family? The answer could tell you whether she was irresponsible with money (and lost it, i.e., inheritance blown, support withdrawn, etc.) or just never learned to stand on her own feet because she was supported by others (wealthy family, ex-husband), etc. until the gravy train pulled away from the station.

We also don't have enough information like an_asker and grettman requested. How did this come up? How did she determine you have money, etc?

There's that old Seinfeld episode...I think it was "The Cadillac", where Jerry says something to the effect of "Money changes relationships". His friends (Kramer and Elaine) were not aware of how well he was doing and when they found out Elaine started to get attracted to him again. Sorta the opposite of your situation, of course....and just a TV show, but still there may be a grain of truth to that.

Just got finished reading David and Goliath by Malcolm Gladwell and he talks a little about how difficult it can be for families who acquired wealth (through effort) to instill some of the same hard working values onto their kids who take it for granted and don't understand what it took to get there because they only see the byproduct/end result and never knew anything different.

I always find it interesting that some people get upset with others who have money. I have always been curious as to how people with money got that way (luck, inherited, started a business, etc.), but others sometimes don't want to learn how to get from here to there. They just want to be resentful of others hard work or good fortune. I don't think there's any changing that, since it's largely attitudinal on her part. Anyone can change their attitude, but it is a choice that only she can make.

However this turns out, you've learned some valuable lessons about money and talking about money.
Last edited by arcticpineapplecorp. on Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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LadyIJ
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by LadyIJ » Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:07 pm

EmergDoc wrote:And thus we see the origin of socioeconomic classes. Now you no longer feel comfortable hanging around her and she doesn't feel comfortable hanging around you. Funny thing money.

I know a highly-positioned and reimbursed health care executive who bought a Porsche, but sold it after 3 months. He didn't like how people looked at him when he was driving it.

I understand, one has to be so careful, and yet, we have friends whom I know have more than us (they divulge) and I don't care at all, it's just an inspiration. I think my friend's grievance is that she considers herself "religious" and a MOM, and I am not religious and I am not a mom and she views me as mercenary and my choice was to make money. Well, heck yes. Maybe friends are highly over-rated.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by LadyIJ » Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:09 pm

Carefreeap wrote:
LadyIJ wrote:
Carefreeap wrote:Did she actually ask you for help?
no, but she may now . . . I did start backtracking by saying it's all in retirement money and taxable. I'm seething, actually. It's a lesson for me and anyone on this board.
What happened to her wealthy family?

They went bankrupt, while my parents were blue collar workers and my mom still has money in her 80's.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by LadyIJ » Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:11 pm

goingup wrote:You don't throw out a 30 yr friendship over a couple of awkward rants. Sounds as though you learned your lesson about sharing financial information with others. It's usually a bad idea. Be prepared if she brings up the topic again.

I might show empathy by saying something to the effect, "I know it hasn't been easy for you." Downplay your own situation by saying it's precarious or the future is always uncertain. If you're asked for money and you have no desire to do that just state that you feel you're not in a position to do it.

My suggestion is to leave the topic alone unless she brings it up. Then repair what you can. Give feelings time to cool/heal. Of course, she is the one with very poor form here, but sometimes friends/family act badly. The trick is to keep the friend without feeling resentful or manipulated.


thank you - very thoughtful post.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by PVW » Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:12 pm

Your friend believes she needed financial help at some point during your friendship. Why didn't you give her what she wanted or needed? If you told her the truth to that question, would your friendship survive?

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Call_Me_Op » Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:14 pm

I'm speechless - but I'll speak anyway. I think she owes you an apology, although I would not ask for one or expect one. In fact, if it were me, a gradual process of distancing would commence.
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by LadyIJ » Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:15 pm

laughlinlvr wrote:I'm in agreement that you you don't throw out decades of friendship over a lapse in judgment. Especially since you're the one whose judgement lapsed. What you got was a surprise from left field at what this new information did to your friend. Before taking any advice to forget the friendship and move on, I would see what this new information does to it. Your friend didn't think you had a lot of money, but you do. She has grounds for feeling misled by you. I would try to get across that you prefer not to disclose your situation and have found it better never to mention it. You got into the habit, but felt that you and she have been close enough that she could learn the truth.
FWIW I have tried different disclosure/secrecy in different project work environments. The one that works best for me is secrecy. What I've learned is that if you're not ostentatious then others will not assume you're wealthy. If you're living a life free of financial stress they'll conclude you're not hurting either.
The thing about your friend is that she has been hurting in the past - apparently - and felt you were deaf to her plight. I think you would do well to examine what in her past caused financial stress and whether you were in fact indifferent to it. I think that in that examination lies the way forward with this new information between you two.
very thoughtful - I will mull this over - thank you.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by LadyIJ » Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:15 pm

leonard wrote:
LadyIJ wrote:Did anyone make this mistake, let loose some info that one totally regrets - loose (loose lips) :oops:
A friend I have known for over 30 years - grew up wealthy, I grew up in a working class environment - I worked hard all of these years and have done without to accrue financial security. She never worked a day in her life - collects alimony and now aid. She really let me have it yesterday, saying when she put two and two together - what I have - and all this time I could have offered to help her - she claims she would have said "no" but the offer would have meant a lot. I bit my tongue as she is a good person, albeit on the taxpayer's dole, and not wanting to flush 30 years of friendship down the drain. Part of this is a cautionary tale - I really thought with all the money she grew up with, she would be happy for me. I don't want to give or lend money. But, if anyone has any words of wisdom on how to carry on - or backtrack, yes I would certainly appreciate hearing from you. Yep, I could say - I'm already supporting you with my tax dollars, and your aid and Medicaid is worth a lot of money, my withdrawals will be taxed, but you all know where this would go.
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
You may have financial assets - but perhaps she didn't fully appreciate your mortgage, the second mortgage you had to take out a few years ago after the '08 stock crash, not to mention the car loans etc. (insert wink smiley here). You may have some financial assets, but these debts worry you every day!!
BRILLIANT

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by kaudrey » Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:21 pm

LadyIJ wrote:
EmergDoc wrote:And thus we see the origin of socioeconomic classes. Now you no longer feel comfortable hanging around her and she doesn't feel comfortable hanging around you. Funny thing money.

I know a highly-positioned and reimbursed health care executive who bought a Porsche, but sold it after 3 months. He didn't like how people looked at him when he was driving it.

I understand, one has to be so careful, and yet, we have friends whom I know have more than us (they divulge) and I don't care at all, it's just an inspiration. I think my friend's grievance is that she considers herself "religious" and a MOM, and I am not religious and I am not a mom and she views me as mercenary and my choice was to make money. Well, heck yes. Maybe friends are highly over-rated.
And religious moms can't work?

Sorry, not meaning to be snarky. I am sure you are friends for a lot of reasons, and that this may pass given enough time, and also if she realizes she is out of place. I'd see how things go the next time you talk to her/see her, and don't mention money or financial things at all.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by LadyIJ » Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:24 pm

PVW wrote:Your friend believes she needed financial help at some point during your friendship. Why didn't you give her what she wanted or needed? If you told her the truth to that question, would your friendship survive?
She needs help because she made (and continues to make) a lot of bad choices. I gave her $500 when she was having some kind of emergency as a gift. I don't want to do it again. I like a previous post on here - I'm just going to say I have a lot of debt too, and stand firm, we'll see how it goes.

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LadyIJ
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by LadyIJ » Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:25 pm

Call_Me_Op wrote:I'm speechless - but I'll speak anyway. I think she owes you an apology, although I would not ask for one or expect one. In fact, if it were me, a gradual process of distancing would commence.
Yes, I was speechless as well. I will leave the door open though - I'm at a point in life where I have lost a lot of people I was close too.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Grt2bOutdoors » Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:26 pm

LadyIJ wrote:Did anyone make this mistake, let loose some info that one totally regrets - loose (loose lips) :oops:
A friend I have known for over 30 years - grew up wealthy, I grew up in a working class environment - I worked hard all of these years and have done without to accrue financial security. She never worked a day in her life - collects alimony and now aid. She really let me have it yesterday, saying when she put two and two together - what I have - and all this time I could have offered to help her - she claims she would have said "no" but the offer would have meant a lot. I bit my tongue as she is a good person, albeit on the taxpayer's dole, and not wanting to flush 30 years of friendship down the drain. Part of this is a cautionary tale - I really thought with all the money she grew up with, she would be happy for me. I don't want to give or lend money. But, if anyone has any words of wisdom on how to carry on - or backtrack, yes I would certainly appreciate hearing from you. Yep, I could say - I'm already supporting you with my tax dollars, and your aid and Medicaid is worth a lot of money, my withdrawals will be taxed, but you all know where this would go.
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Ahhh.....the infamous loose lips strikes again! Let's see, long ago, I verbally announced I was aspiring to leave the lower income status I grew up in and make it to a higher financial status, I told this to a "friend". I was pretty much close to "poor" at the time of disclosure. Well, the "friend" was jealous of my aspirations and then preceded to verbally insult me in front of others. That friendship went up in smoke.

Then, I have family members who have put 2 and 2 together, without my mentioning anything, but they know I have a good job, they know I am a saver, they know I invest as they've seen my bookshelf in my home. I have to be extra careful when speaking around them, they could have been in even better straits than I as they had the benefit of much higher salaries but they chose to spend and throw caution to the wind, I sometimes get the feeling they look at me with envy. Though, there is nothing to be envious about.

OP - Your friend is jealous, she's in a predicament that she sees as a "no-win" situation for herself and she wishes she had the same level of resources you do. It's natural, though I must agree it is an emotional let-down for you to be the recipient of such behavior. I'd keep her on a loose leash, if she does it again you know what to do and bite your tongue if you do let it go because I've learned in the past, your feelings don't count, only the ones who like to meter it out. :annoyed
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normaldude
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by normaldude » Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:39 pm

When "favors" become viewed as "obligations", it's time to move on. You are not obligated to offer money to anyone.

Tico_75
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Tico_75 » Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:43 pm

It's unfortunate money is a taboo for some. I have a good friend, and this person is wealthy. One day, we talked about investments and different wealth accumulation options. Without asking, he printed all his statements, gave me a copy, and simply asked to destroyed them once I was done. Later one, I returned the favor by recommending Vanguard funds instead of his financial adviser. He didn't take the advice - yet-, but we don't care about how much we have.

Friendships go through ups and downs. You shouldn't throw away a friendship of 30 years, you are fortunate for having one that long. This person may have been stressed out or in need. In my case, I help my friends when they are in need. This doesn't have to be money, it could be a nice homemade dinner, caring for their children or even giving them a temporary place to stay. I would agree that loans when someone is in need is not a good idea, I like the idea of the gift instead. One can only invest two things, money and time. Friends enjoy time.

Best of luck,
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by PVW » Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:50 pm

LadyIJ wrote:
PVW wrote:Your friend believes she needed financial help at some point during your friendship. Why didn't you give her what she wanted or needed? If you told her the truth to that question, would your friendship survive?
She needs help because she made (and continues to make) a lot of bad choices. I gave her $500 when she was having some kind of emergency as a gift. I don't want to do it again. I like a previous post on here - I'm just going to say I have a lot of debt too, and stand firm, we'll see how it goes.
I don't think I was clear in making my point. It sounds like you didn't offer her financial assistance because you think she should help herself. If you told her that, would she still want to be your friend?

If she is insulted, then the friendship might die by mutual agreement. If she takes this as an opportunity for self improvement with the support of a friend she's known for 30 years, then your friendship will be better for the honesty.

No matter what the reason, if I had a 30 year friendship that came to a bitter end, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

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tyrion
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by tyrion » Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:58 pm

I have a friend I've known for 25 years who is now worth hundreds of millions of dollars. I would never ask him for money. I do, however, let him pay for dinner when we go out (I always offer to pitch in, of course). And occasionally I manage to pay for a round of drinks at the bar.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by DaftInvestor » Mon Jun 08, 2015 2:03 pm

30 year friendships are hard to come by. I think she owes you an apology myself. I wonder if she regrets bringing up the subject.

My wife once made the mistake about complaining about "the new Additional Medicare tax" to another couple over dinner without realizing it was a dead-give-away to our income (she heard me complaining about it and repeated without knowing the details - will teach me). The other couple then said "well then maybe you should pick up the check if you are well enough off to worry about taxes the rich pay". I quickly changed the subject :wink:

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by goodenyou » Mon Jun 08, 2015 2:05 pm

Pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed, and sloth. They are all destructive.
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Wricha » Mon Jun 08, 2015 2:09 pm

I guess the first question you need to ask yourself is what out come do I want? If you want to prove to her that you are right by world opinion (Boglehead opinion) you will lose the friendship. Because if you are right by definition she is wrong and she is already in a bad place, so beating her up wIth this is unproductive at best. If you want to preserve the friendship then start with You: you made faux pas by bring up your personal wealth (not the best move). Yes, if you achieved wealth you have a responsible how to or not to express it. Remember she did not pry it out of you. So I guess if you want the friendship it begins with your behavior not hers. Go head, self made folks rip me apart.

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LadyIJ
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by LadyIJ » Mon Jun 08, 2015 2:15 pm

PVW wrote:[I don't think I was clear in making my point. It sounds like you didn't offer her financial assistance because you think she should help herself. If you told her that, would she still want to be your friend?

If she is insulted, then the friendship might die by mutual agreement. If she takes this as an opportunity for self improvement with the support of a friend she's known for 30 years, then your friendship will be better for the honesty.

No matter what the reason, if I had a 30 year friendship that came to a bitter end, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

If I was honest with her - yes, the friendship would come to an end, as she is very bitter about her choices and has to believe she is right. I am going to tread lightly - if she has a dire need, I may pony up some bit of something, but I'm also going to heed another's advice - backtrack and say I have a lot of debts as well and am worried about the future and hopefully we the friendship - albeit imperfect - will weather this storm. Boy have I learned a hard lesson.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by Josiecat » Mon Jun 08, 2015 2:23 pm

How do these people just 'not work' and get social services? Don't they have to at least attempt to find work? This bothers me. Could I just quit my job and get these services? Just wondering how this all works. :shock:

dickyboy
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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by dickyboy » Mon Jun 08, 2015 2:38 pm

She was spoiled and now she's a loser...tell her to "get a life" and move on yourself to get some good people for friends.

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Re: close friend found out how much I have - bad outcome

Post by bertie wooster » Mon Jun 08, 2015 2:40 pm

LadyIJ wrote: Maybe friends are highly over-rated.
I think that is the wrong conclusion to draw from this experience. Friendships are one of the things that make life wonderful and something that should be treasured. But friendships change over time because of our changing values as we age and our experiences. It appears that this friendship may have run it's course.

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