Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Non-investing personal finance issues including insurance, credit, real estate, taxes, employment and legal issues such as trusts and wills

Should I step up to become sole provider of fiance?

Yes, become sole provider, you should feel bad for even asking.
6
5%
Yes, become sole provider, but I can see it going either way.
5
4%
No, do not become sole provider, but I can see it going either way.
19
17%
No, do not become sole provider, enjoy the generosity while you can.
85
74%
 
Total votes: 115

Topic Author
lyner
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Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by lyner »

I have been working for the past 5 years and earn a modest income. I am recently engaged and my fiance has 2 more years of school left to go in her graduate program. We do not plan on getting married for at least another year. We'll be a middle class family when it's all said and done most likely.

We share a house with a 3rd roommate and her mother has been paying her tuition and her share of the rent and utilities (in addition to her car insurance and phone). I have been and will be continuing to pay for the majority of her other expenses (e.g. groceries, eating out, drinks, odds and ends, etc.). I am wondering if it is time for me to be the sole provider for my fiance and take on her portion of rent, utilities, and groceries? What do you all think? Have any of you been in this situation?

When/How does this work out?
livesoft
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by livesoft »

I lived in a similar situation with my future spouse. What does your fiance expect and want to do?
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THY4373
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by THY4373 »

livesoft wrote:I lived in a similar situation with my future spouse. What does your fiance expect and want to do?
+1

Also I intend to pay for my child's undergrad and graduate tuition like my parents did for me (with the expectation I'd pay it forward). So I wouldn't want or expect assistance from either my son or his fiance (if he should have one while going to school). It would be good to know what is pushing this. If the finance/mother expect you to pickup some of this that is one thing, but if they don't I'd let it be if it were me.
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goonie
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by goonie »

I don't think you should. And if that is a problem for anyone, I think it tells you something about them.

It's more than enough that you already pay the majority of her other expenses. I don't think you should be doing that and it makes me wonder about her taking advantage of you.
Grt2bOutdoors
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by Grt2bOutdoors »

Let me give you another scenario - you become sole financial provider to your fiance - she completes her 2 years of schooling, finds another opportunity and moves on. Now what? For the record, I voted no - I would wait until she is out of school, gainfully employed or not and you are married.

I would venture to guess the fact you are polling on this forum means you are on the fence with the idea of becoming her full time source of financial support. Don't ignore red flags. Your internal beacon is not off-kilter here.

I would edit your poll btw - there's a difference between "generosity and parental support".
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pezblanco
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by pezblanco »

Grt2bOutdoors wrote:Let me give you another scenario - you become sole financial provider to your fiance - she completes her 2 years of schooling, finds another opportunity and moves on. Now what? For the record, I voted no - I would wait until she is out of school, gainfully employed or not and you are married.

I would venture to guess the fact you are polling on this forum means you are on the fence with the idea of becoming her full time source of financial support. Don't ignore red flags. Your internal beacon is not off-kilter here.

I would edit your poll btw - there's a difference between "generosity and parental support".
+1

You're not married to this girl. If and when that happens, then you can take on these sorts of responsibilities.
Twins Fan
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by Twins Fan »

Grt2bOutdoors wrote:Let me give you another scenario - you become sole financial provider to your fiance - she completes her 2 years of schooling, finds another opportunity and moves on. Now what? For the record, I voted no - I would wait until she is out of school, gainfully employed or not and you are married.
Exactly what I was thinking.

You're engaged now, and I'm sure excited, OP. But if I read that right, there is two more years of school and then another year before being married? That's a long time. Even if it's more than a year from now you plan to get married, things happen. At your modest income and you two not being married yet, you should not be thinking "sole provider"!

My opinion anyway.
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carorun
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by carorun »

I'm cynical, but I would not be surprised if you become the "sole provider" then break up when she graduates. Let her parents keep paying for her, or ask her to get a part time job. How she handles limited resources will tell you a lot about her.
Calm Man
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by Calm Man »

[OT comment removed by admin LadyGeek] I wonder if that will change in the future, ever. If you were my son I would hold your inheritance hostage to not doing this. You are not married to this woman. Why are you in a prolonged engagement? Who is holding off the marriage? If you, good reason to not assume her expenses. If her, good reason not to assume her expenses.
BanditKing
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by BanditKing »

As one that went down the road of paying for someone while they went to school, only to have the engagement break off as soon as she finished, I say don't support her at this point. Yes, I'm a little cynical about it.

My advice: Let her parents continue to do it and put whatever extra income you might have into an emergency fund, down-payment-on-house-fund, or even honeymoon fund. Save it for when you really need it. Once she's done with school and you're married, she's going to need work, you might have unforseen expenses for a second car, kids coming along, etc. Save save save.

(of course, make sure you're taking good advantage of your tax-advantaged retirements. Are you getting full company match in your 401k for example?).

Worry about yourself and your financial nest, and about prepping it from when the time comes. No need to do it yet.
jackpullo997
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by jackpullo997 »

Why are you even engaged when she's never even held an adult job yet?

I have friends who were used by women while they finished their degrees.
While the women got educated, the stupid men worked in lower status jobs at an early age to pay the bills and forgo their own education (think garbageman or mechanic)
In one case, the girl dumped him the VERY DAY she got her degree.
She then went on to marry a finance or law guy, a man of her now equal status.

This is an investing forum for people with excess funds.
I bet you will not see many divorced men here.

Don't support anyone but yourself. It's a fool's game.
Women want to be treated as equals!
Treat them as such.
Saving$
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by Saving$ »

No you should not. There are no two ways about this.

Your fiancee obviously has an agreement with her mother, and the mother is fine with supporting the fiancee while the fiancee is not working and going to school. I am actually shocked that your fiancee allows herself to be reliant upon you for groceries and any other necessity. I certainly hope that is you are supporting this portion of her life (and by that I mean not just monetarily, but that your support frees up her time to study, etc.) she is likewise supporting some portion of yours, such as preparing meals and/or running errands for you that need to be done during the day and are often difficult to get done while working a regular 8-6 schedule.

Eating out and entertainment is a COMPLETELY different thing. Those are optional, not necessary, expenses. If it is fine with both of you, and you can maintain balance in the relationship, the person with more resources paying for those things is fine. It allows the person with the resources to enjoy the more costly things with the person with whom they want to spend time. Likewise, since she cannot afford to treat you to similar, you should graciously accept her invitations for a low cost night at home with dinner & a movie, or a gathering with friends or whatever.

Also, think of it like this: If your relationship is long term, you saving money now for a down payment on a house or retirement savings will benefit her. If her mother is stretching to support your fiancee, you getting a head start on retirement savings will put you in a better position to assist your future mother in law 30-40 years from now if she needs it.
winglessangel31
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by winglessangel31 »

lyner wrote:I have been working for the past 5 years and earn a modest income. I am recently engaged and my fiance has 2 more years of school left to go in her graduate program. We do not plan on getting married for at least another year. We'll be a middle class family when it's all said and done most likely.

We share a house with a 3rd roommate and her mother has been paying her tuition and her share of the rent and utilities (in addition to her car insurance and phone). I have been and will be continuing to pay for the majority of her other expenses (e.g. groceries, eating out, drinks, odds and ends, etc.). I am wondering if it is time for me to be the sole provider for my fiance and take on her portion of rent, utilities, and groceries? What do you all think? Have any of you been in this situation?

When/How does this work out?
Wow, lots of cynical opinions on here and in the polls. :)

It's really your choice, and it's half about wisdom and half about what you want. The half about wisdom says "you both should carry a balanced burden"---so if you believe that the emotional-and-other burden she will carry will be about the same magnitude as the financial burden you will carry, and that this will only make your relationship grow closer, then this half for me says "listen to the other half". The other half asks "what do you both really want?"---are you both ready to commit to this relationship for the rest of your lives, do you both have similar views on marriage, and so on...

Of course there's always the risk that the relationship may fail. But if you're both committed to it and you both want to do it this way, then this is a decision you both must make together. More power to her if she decides that she doesn't want you to take on everything and insists to take on a part-time job to contribute.

When I fall in love with a woman, I do so willingly and wholeheartedly. If I were engaged to someone, it to me would be a commitment to marry when the time is right (and similarly for her, because we'd both have the same idea). I'd definitely consider providing for more (maybe not 100% to begin with) and speaking with her parents about this. If her parents also insist on blessing you two with financial help, I'd enjoy the generosity and find ways to reciprocate. Let's not get too jaded with life.

The views of a 24-year old who still thinks life is a beautiful picture. :beer
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stickman731
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by stickman731 »

Until you are married, it is too easy to walk away.
mbres60
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by mbres60 »

No. Not until you are married.
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by Twins Fan »

winglessangel31 wrote:The views of a 24-year old who still thinks life is a beautiful picture. :beer
Our cynical opinions didn't come out of thin air.

Good luck to you out there.
Achelois
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by Achelois »

I have to ask "why" your fiancée is not paying much, if anything, towards her own support. I understand a parent helping a child, but I would not expect someone else to whom I were not related to do it, fiancé or no. Too many things change at your ages.

I am female and have not had anyone support me since I was 18. I worked two part-time jobs in high school, but my parents did provide a roof over my head until I graduated. I cannot imagine not contributing to my own upkeep so long as I am healthy.

Is she in a very demanding program, more so than your own, that she cannot work even part-time? I just cannot wrap my mind around this. In short, do not do it.
Last edited by Achelois on Sat Feb 15, 2014 8:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
island
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by island »

mbres60 wrote:No. Not until you are married.
+1
buckstar
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by buckstar »

If she had student loans, would you pay them off now, or wait until you were married?
freddie
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by freddie »

But you have to admit that is pretty nice of her to stick around for 10 years after getting the degree to pay back the loan. :)

But put me in the category that you are paying for too much as it is. Nights out are one thing. Paying for groceries and the like is something else. Of course I am also a fan of everyone living on their own for a couple of years before marriage from a financial point of view. I have to assume the 3+ year engagement is a way to avoid asking people when your getting married.

Calm Man wrote:[OT comment removed by admin LadyGeek] I wonder if that will change in the future, ever. If you were my son I would hold your inheritance hostage to not doing this. You are not married to this woman. Why are you in a prolonged engagement? Who is holding off the marriage? If you, good reason to not assume her expenses. If her, good reason not to assume her expenses.
mnvalue
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by mnvalue »

jackpullo997 wrote:Why are you even engaged when she's never even held an adult job yet?
+1 to this. And at least don't get married until she's been out in the real world for a year.

Covering optional entertainment expenses when the two of you go out is one thing. Don't do any more than that, especially when it'll cost you free money from her mother. You need not feel guilty about her getting money from her mom; that's between the two of them. But if you stay together and her mother needs money when she (your mother-in-law at that point) is older, you two can always help her out by re-paying the support.

Allocate your money in this order (don't move to the next item until you've completed the ones before it):
1) Get any employer 401k, etc. matching funds.
2) Pay off all your debt.
3) Fund an emergency fund for 6 months of your expenses.
4) Save at least 20% of your gross income for retirement.
5) Max out all tax-advantaged space you have (401k, etc. plus a Roth IRA).
6) Save up for your wedding and honeymoon expenses.
7) Save up for a house downpayment and to pay for your next used car in cash.
8) Save up 6 months of her expenses. But you do not tell her about this, nor give her any of it. Plus, you need this anyway if you're going to support her.
9) Save up an amount equal to her outstanding loan balances. (This is not her money, though.)
10) Save up for her next used car in cash. (Again, this is your money, not hers.)
11) If she has a job, then and only then consider helping support her by paying all the shared household expenses (and only those expenses), as long as she puts at least that much of her income into paying off loans, above and beyond the minimum payments, and she keeps her discretionary spending in line with what you'd expect if you were married.

If you're young and solidly middle class together, I doubt you've already met items 1-10. Do those first. This is more-or-less the normal order of priorities if you were married, just adjusted to reflect the fact that you're not, so no money should cross that boundary until there's nothing left to save for. If you've already done this, then sure, at step 11, help her a little in a way that doesn't lead to worsening your overall situation.
Last edited by mnvalue on Sat Feb 15, 2014 8:55 pm, edited 5 times in total.
Billionaire
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by Billionaire »

I would question the integrity of anybody who would accept that level of generosity.
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by LadyGeek »

As a reminder, see: Forum Policy
We expect this forum to be a place where people can feel comfortable asking questions and where debates and discussions are conducted in civil tones.
The OP is asking for advice, but try to remain focused on the financial aspects.
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frugaltype
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by frugaltype »

jackpullo997 wrote:Why are you even engaged when she's never even held an adult job yet?

I have friends who were used by women while they finished their degrees.
While the women got educated, the stupid men worked in lower status jobs at an early age to pay the bills and forgo their own education (think garbageman or mechanic)
In one case, the girl dumped him the VERY DAY she got her degree.
She then went on to marry a finance or law guy, a man of her now equal status.

This is an investing forum for people with excess funds.
I bet you will not see many divorced men here.

Don't support anyone but yourself. It's a fool's game.
Women want to be treated as equals!
Treat them as such.
Let's have a little gender equality here. There are many women out there who worked to put hubby through medical school and then were left in the dust. And I seem to recall that some guy in the forum mentioned a week or two ago that he was on marriage #3 or 4.
stan1
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by stan1 »

If her mom is able to easily assist with expenses (e.g. isn't sacrificing her retirement to pay for her daughter's education) I'd say your current arrangement is fair. If, on the other hand her mom is sacrificing to pay for her daughter's education I think your fiance should be taking out student loans which the two of you would work together to pay off after you are married (if that happens).
Calm Man
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by Calm Man »

jackpullo997 wrote:Why are you even engaged when she's never even held an adult job yet?

I have friends who were used by women while they finished their degrees.
While the women got educated, the stupid men worked in lower status jobs at an early age to pay the bills and forgo their own education (think garbageman or mechanic)
In one case, the girl dumped him the VERY DAY she got her degree.
She then went on to marry a finance or law guy, a man of her now equal status.

This is an investing forum for people with excess funds.
I bet you will not see many divorced men here.

Don't support anyone but yourself. It's a fool's game.
Women want to be treated as equals!
Treat them as such.
On hope you don't bet on sports or dice or anything else. There are many men here who are divorced. Why would you make such a statement?
mnvalue
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by mnvalue »

frugaltype, while I support your point about gender equality, putting "hubby" through medical school is different. To use your example, this is about whether "she" should put "boyfriend" through medical school. Married people have some financial protections; single people have none. Not that your comment was directed at me, but I stand by my advice, it's almost exactly what we (me and my now wife) did, and while I'm a man, I'd advise a woman in the same situation (including my own sister if it came up) to do the same thing.
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by Grt2bOutdoors »

winglessangel31 wrote:
The views of a 24-year old who still thinks life is a beautiful picture. :beer
Life is a beautiful picture until reality crashes right through it.
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by investingdad »

Another vote for not supporting until married.
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by Index Fan »

Should I become sole provider for fiance?
No.
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Wildebeest
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by Wildebeest »

I voted for option number one: You should become the sole provider and feel bad about having to ask about it.

I am curious as to that you are living with your fiancé and are holding off on marriage for what? I will answer my own question:

Finding out that the stressors of having to live on one income and change the dynamic before you are in a binding contract with this woman ( marriage) who is supported by her mother, may be the best bargain you can make. I would suggest not to take on any education debt, credit card debt etc. before you have done premarital counseling regarding financial matters ( I did not check on Wiki to see if this has already been addressed).

Has your fiancé expressed concern about her mother paying for her education as well as living expenses and discussed with you if her mother is burdened and how she will be paying her mother back If her mother is burdened? This may be a tell as to what the future brings you.

My spouse and I were in a similar situation and it worked out great for us. My spouse would pick option 4 though.
The Golden Rule: One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself.
nostalgic
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by nostalgic »

Another vote for no.
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by Leeraar »

lyner wrote:I have been working for the past 5 years and earn a modest income. I am recently engaged and my fiance has 2 more years of school left to go in her graduate program. We do not plan on getting married for at least another year. We'll be a middle class family when it's all said and done most likely.

We share a house with a 3rd roommate and her mother has been paying her tuition and her share of the rent and utilities (in addition to her car insurance and phone). I have been and will be continuing to pay for the majority of her other expenses (e.g. groceries, eating out, drinks, odds and ends, etc.). I am wondering if it is time for me to be the sole provider for my fiance and take on her portion of rent, utilities, and groceries? What do you all think? Have any of you been in this situation?

When/How does this work out?
lyner,

What are the reasons you are considering such a change?

L.
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czeckers
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by czeckers »

I'm surprised you're buying her groceries. If I were in her position, I'd have a part time job or two to help support myself so as not to be a burden. Your scenario doesn't quite add up and I think that's why you're getting so many absolutely no responses. If it is as stated, she sure is taking advantage of you.

It would be helpful to know what happened that you want to change the current status quo? Did she ask for more assistance? Her mother? Do you feel like you have to do more to keep her? The answer to this May give you some clues as to the right answer to your question.

A marriage is not about one person supporting the other, but about two people supporting each other in everything. Your arrangement, as stated, seems awfully one sided.

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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by carolinaman »

I do not believe you should support her until you are married. I have seen a couple of similar instances where the woman dumped the guy once she finished school. That may not happen in your situation, but do not set yourself up to be used.
TRC
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by TRC »

Wait till you're married. If you want to help out, offer to pay for some or all of the wedding.
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by The Wizard »

stickman731 wrote:Until you are married, it is too easy to walk away.
As if it's DIFFICULT to walk away AFTER you're married?
Wrong.
I vote NO. Be generous to a degree but don't bend over backwards...
Attempted new signature...
dekecarver
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by dekecarver »

On the other hand you could go through with it based on the trust you have built during your current relationship. If it works out great; if it doesn't work out you could chalk it up as learned experience. If it did not work out hopefully it would be cheaper than getting a divorce later down the road.

True story: A friend of mine faced a similar situation only that the girl's parents did not have money. He told me he saw something in her and in the end he knew if it worked out he/they were for the better. He said if it did not work out he figured that there were bigger mistakes in life he could have made, it was only money.

My vote: Know who you are and just be able to live with the decision regardless the outcome. You know; if it did not work out it could be you who wants out.
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by 4nursebee »

I am in the camp of it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

My spouse and I met when I was in college yet again after dropping out of grad school. I worked full time while in school, moved in with spouse early on. She paid the bills she had been paying for, I had a lot of debt I was focused on. After paying off some debt we got married. Prior to that we lived as if we were married, other than bill paying. So it can work.

After being married a couple of years we got a strange phone call from a used car dealer. He was married to an ex of mine that on the day she got her masters/CPA degree/license filed domestic abuse and divorce charges against him. He asked for me to show up in court next to him. To all appearances she no longer needed him and was gonna move up the food chain. Reflecting back, after our own hot and heavy courtship, she ditched me during out cross country travel for me starting grad school when she realized I had no money, my family had no money, and I was heavily in debt. This whirlwind romance and breakup significantly contributed to my dropping out of grad school after a couple months.

I wizened up in the ways of the world after that and have done quite well in love and finances.
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by Call_Me_Op »

stickman731 wrote:Until you are married, it is too easy to walk away.
Hate to say this - but kind of easy to walk away these days even if married. In fact, the initiating party often makes out like a bandit.
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by bottlecap »

I can't figure out whether this is a 1+ year engagement or a 3+ year engagement. My answer wouldn't change much in either situation, but a 3+ year engagement isn't really an engagement. Moreover, if you haven't set a date and aren't working toward that date, there's even less tying either party down. Take her out to dinner, but let her folks pay most of her way.

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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by midareff »

I voted NO with my reasoning being; She just isn't your responsibility yet, and for a young engaged couple looking down the road, may never be. When you marry, the expenses you cited will be a joint obligation, which they presently are not. Would your fiancé be in grad school if you weren't engaged, or if you weren't dating?

What else is going on here? Why has this come up and why did you ask? Are you being pressured?
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midareff
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by midareff »

stan1 wrote:If her mom is able to easily assist with expenses (e.g. isn't sacrificing her retirement to pay for her daughter's education) I'd say your current arrangement is fair. If, on the other hand her mom is sacrificing to pay for her daughter's education I think your fiance should be taking out student loans which the two of you would work together to pay off after you are married (if that happens).
+1
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cheese_breath
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by cheese_breath »

From the tone of your question it sounds like this is your idea. Am I correct? If so, you are still very naïve about the facts of life for many of the reasons already given. If it is your fiancé's or even if she only suggested it in passing, then she is a gold digger and you are naïve as well.

No, no, no.
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JonnyDVM
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by JonnyDVM »

It sounds like you are already doing more financially than most finances would. When you're married it will be totally your responsibility. Before then, your future in-law seems to be taking care of it just fine. My wife and I kept all of our finances separate until we were married and we dated for 6 years. It's the prudent thing to do.
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TomatoTomahto
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by TomatoTomahto »

frugaltype wrote:Let's have a little gender equality here. There are many women out there who worked to put hubby through medical school and then were left in the dust. And I seem to recall that some guy in the forum mentioned a week or two ago that he was on marriage #3 or 4.
I agree with you, but do want to point out that OP has said nothing (on this thread anyway, perhaps elsewhere) that lyner is a male. Most probably is, but still...

On the question, my response is triggered by "recently engaged." If OP still feels that it is recent, and doubly so if he feels pressured, he should not increase his level of support.
I get the FI part but not the RE part of FIRE.
Leeraar
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by Leeraar »

TomatoTomahto wrote:
frugaltype wrote:Let's have a little gender equality here. There are many women out there who worked to put hubby through medical school and then were left in the dust. And I seem to recall that some guy in the forum mentioned a week or two ago that he was on marriage #3 or 4.
I agree with you, but do want to point out that OP has said nothing (on this thread anyway, perhaps elsewhere) that lyner is a male. Most probably is, but still...

On the question, my response is triggered by "recently engaged." If OP still feels that it is recent, and doubly so if he feels pressured, he should not increase his level of support.
Well, we do know that lyner's fiancee is female:
my fiance has 2 more years of school left to go in her graduate program.
I might note that lyner's only post in this thread is the OP.

L.
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TomatoTomahto
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by TomatoTomahto »

Leeraar wrote:
TomatoTomahto wrote:
frugaltype wrote:Let's have a little gender equality here. There are many women out there who worked to put hubby through medical school and then were left in the dust. And I seem to recall that some guy in the forum mentioned a week or two ago that he was on marriage #3 or 4.
I agree with you, but do want to point out that OP has said nothing (on this thread anyway, perhaps elsewhere) that lyner is a male. Most probably is, but still...

On the question, my response is triggered by "recently engaged." If OP still feels that it is recent, and doubly so if he feels pressured, he should not increase his level of support.
Well, we do know that lyner's fiancee is female:
my fiance has 2 more years of school left to go in her graduate program.
I might note that lyner's only post in this thread is the OP.

L.
I only mentioned a possibility that lyner might not be male. The feminine pronoun was used to discuss the fiancé. I think that still leaves the possibility, albeit a small percentage, that lyner might not be male. I think it appropriate, in response to a posting about gender equality, to mention that the genders might not be what we assume them to be.
I get the FI part but not the RE part of FIRE.
freebeer
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by freebeer »

I think folks are missing a big point.

A couple can establish a committed relationship and an independent household without being married. At some point they could even be considered common-law spouses.

And parents may not be inclined to support such an independent household vs. competing priorities. OP didn't say OP's fiance's mother was happy to keep paying tuition, rent share, and other costs of living, just that she was doing so. OP indicated his salary was "modest" but we don't know what that means relative to all these costs (a "modest" dentist's salary and a "modest" schoolteacher's salary are very different).

If OP and fiance (and, perhaps fiance's parents) all agree that it's time for them to be independent, relative to parental support, and if OP's income is sufficient to make that fly (and if it wasn't why would the question be asked in the first place?), then I say "go for it". OP just has to understand that if the relationship ends there may be no equitable recompense (but that would also be true if they were married).

To me a big question is age. If fiance is 20 I don't know that trying to "stand on our own four feet" and eliminate parental support would be a major consideration. If fiance's 28, that's another story.
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Raymond
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Re: Should I become sole provider for fiance?

Post by Raymond »

TomatoTomahto wrote:...I only mentioned a possibility that lyner might not be male. The feminine pronoun was used to discuss the fiancé. I think that still leaves the possibility, albeit a small percentage, that lyner might not be male. I think it appropriate, in response to a posting about gender equality, to mention that the genders might not be what we assume them to be.
Point taken, but even if they were a same-sex couple, my advice would be the same: If OP wants to be the "...sole provider for my fiance and take on her portion of rent, utilities, and groceries...", then have at it (I personally wouldn't).

I definitely would not be taking over tuition payments or anything similar.

As mentioned by freebeer, the age of the parties involved is a factor.
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