Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Questions on how we spend our money and our time - consumer goods and services, home and vehicle, leisure and recreational activities
Seal the Deal
Posts: 66
Joined: Sat Jan 20, 2018 7:25 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by Seal the Deal » Fri Aug 02, 2019 6:56 pm

While you're pulling weeds, listen to this audiobook:

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff: And It's All Small Stuff -Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things From Taking Over Your Life, by Richard Carlson.

This mindset you develop will help you with a stressful job, home/car ownership, kids, etc.

User avatar
market timer
Posts: 6160
Joined: Tue Aug 21, 2007 1:42 am

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by market timer » Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:14 pm

MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 10:08 am
fposte wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:56 am
I think if you're an anxious type of person, outsourcing can mean that you just worry about another layer of things.

It's possible you're talking about a kind of anxiety you'd benefit from talking to a doctor about, but maybe we can get at it from the money side here. What do your annual expenses and income look like? Are you doing all this and still not managing to save anything for retirement, or are you doing all this because you desperately want to max out your tax-advantaged space every year even if it kills you?
Thanks to the Internet, I'm obsessed with DIY. Not only that, but I absolutely hate paying anyone to do anything that I'm capable of doing myself (even with hours of obsessing and stress). I hate watching my hard-earned savings diminish. Right now, I'm maxing out retirement, have a sizable emergency fund (almost 1 year of income), and save plenty in taxable. Definitely not house-poor with a shared mortgage with my fiancee.

Maybe it's me? Just really getting tired of things not going smoothly every time.
Perhaps it would be helpful to charge yourself for your time. If you earn $60/hour, and it would require 5 hours to complete a project, mentally assess a $300 bill for the project. Now add a constraint on your time, say, 45 hours per week of paid labor + personal projects. I believe this framework could help you prioritize and optimize the time/money trade-off. Hopefully, as time goes on, you are finding more productive ways to spend your time than doing yard work, unless you really enjoy doing yard work.

Gardener
Posts: 360
Joined: Sun Nov 18, 2012 3:03 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by Gardener » Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:27 pm

Interesting thread.

I can relate to op.

I like the idea of owning a home and a yard. And not paying rent.

But, I realize that I'm not cut out for maintaining it and don't enjoy it.

I think, for me, and one maybe op would want to consider on next home/rental/town house, is to choose something as low maintenance as possible.

DesertDiva
Posts: 545
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2018 12:49 pm
Location: In the desert

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by DesertDiva » Fri Aug 02, 2019 10:59 pm

MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:47 am
Rant for the day:
I feel like I'm a few notches away from a huge meltdown...
How does one cope with the stresses of life?
I’m not a doctor, don’t play one on tv, but I have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express a few times...

I like the therapist idea that others have mentioned. You might consider finding one that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. It can help you manage your anxiety and challenge some of thought patterns you’ve developed.

Peace to you.

squirm
Posts: 1878
Joined: Sat Mar 19, 2011 11:53 am

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by squirm » Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:05 am

I'm surprised this thread stayed.

If it's causing you this much grief, seek a therapist.

HawkeyePierce
Posts: 707
Joined: Tue Mar 05, 2019 10:29 pm
Location: Colorado

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by HawkeyePierce » Sat Aug 03, 2019 1:05 am

Another vote for seeking out a therapist. "Cognitive behavioral therapy" is one phrase to look for. I've also had tremendous success with a therapist whose specialty was short-term intensive treatment of anxiety (those were the only types of patients he took on and all he'd been doing for decades).

You might also consider downloading the Calm app to your phone and going through its "7 Days of Calm" beginners program.

Colorado13
Posts: 959
Joined: Thu Apr 07, 2011 4:58 pm
Location: Colorado

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by Colorado13 » Sat Aug 03, 2019 2:16 pm

I feel your pain regarding sprinkler systems. Mine is a never-ending battle. Maybe Livesoft can help us all.

But seriously, home ownership can be stressful and others have given great advice about how to deal with the stress. I try to take the "one upgrade at a time" approach, as this works best for my budget. I pay for one major upgrade per summer and one indoor upgrade in the winter, if possible. Over time, the house looks pretty good. Repairs are a different beast, but that's why the emergency fund exists. Ongoing maintenance can be outsourced, as others have mentioned. It's challenging to work full time and have the perfect house. If you are watching home improvement-type shows, stop, as these can paint an unrealistic picture of how easy/quick it is to do certain upgrades.

I agree with others that exercise is a fabulous way to deal with stress; it's a much healthier approach than than using food or drink to relieve stress/anxiety. Best wishes.

mancich
Posts: 710
Joined: Fri Sep 05, 2014 2:05 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by mancich » Sun Aug 04, 2019 6:33 am

I have some of your tendencies, so I can empathize.
As others have said, exercise, outsourcing, and prioritizing will help. Learning to shrug things off is hard to do with your personality, and a qualified therapist would be a good investment. Life really is too short to stress out so much over some of the things you mention. Good luck!

orange2334
Posts: 12
Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2016 9:23 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by orange2334 » Sun Aug 04, 2019 6:46 am

HomeStretch wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 10:35 am
A high level of anxiety and stress is not good for you, your relationships, your work, etc. You need to find a way to reduce the stressors you can and learn coping mechanisms for those you can’t.

- take a day off, do nothing and de-stress
- take another day off to analyze your stressors and plan how to reduce/cope with stress

Suggestions:
- read good advice above
- rent instead of own
- change to a job with less stress and shorter commute
- outsource some items
- physical exercise, yoga and/or meditation to reduce the obsessing/looping/stressing going on inside
- update your net worth statement monthly so anytime you stress about money, you can look at it and reassure yourself you are doing fine

Hang in there. Many of us have been where you are at. With focus, you can make positive changes that will improve your life. Best of luck.
This is excellent advice. You'll find starting your day off with a little walk or other exercise will help with this problem, and quite possibly positively affect other areas of your life.

fru-gal
Posts: 1095
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2019 9:48 pm
Location: New England

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by fru-gal » Sun Aug 04, 2019 7:00 am

I haven't read everything, but it sounds like you could afford to outsource a couple of things that would take a lot of pressure off. I am thinking of mowing the grass and handling the weeds. Then the house will look basically okay and well maintained from the outside, which should take a lot of the pressure off.

It may take 2-3 tries to find a good, responsible person/company to cut the grass, your neighbors may know someone. Finding people to weed is harder, but there are a couple of companies in my area that do it.

I do understand the feeling that you should be able to do everything yourself, but you're clearly wrong. Normal house maintenance plus large do it yourself projects, plus apparently you feel you need to get everything done very quickly (you don't), that's a recipe for burnout.

I'll put this here to make it easy for the moderators to delete it :-) Seeing a psychologist for a short time maybe a good idea to get a handle on this.

onourway
Posts: 2042
Joined: Thu Dec 08, 2016 3:39 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by onourway » Sun Aug 04, 2019 7:21 am

As usual, you’ve gotten lots of great advice here.

Find a therapist. It really is amazing how helpful it is to have someone to talk to regularly who is impartial to your overall life situation and just listens. This should help you learn to prioritize things in your life.

Home ownership is a grind. There is always something else. You’ll notice that while there are a few outliers most homeowners here are somewhere in the middle where they learn to do some of the stuff that they can manage and don’t hate - and then outsource the rest. For us, we love beautiful gardens but hate to weed. So we hire that out. The way we feel about our home every single time we arrive far outweighs the cost. However I don’t mind mowing the lawn, something that is more expensive than the gardeners, and impossible to find someone who does a decent job because their priority is just getting the job done.

So, similarly we clean our own gutters, but hire out the tree trimming. Do our own interior painting, but hire out the exterior. We don’t try to take on too many projects at once. Like others, 1-2 major projects per year will keep the house looking great over the long term. Prioritize those projects that will cause other damage if neglected and those that will have the most impact in how you feel about the place.

Realize that perfection is a mirage. You need to find an equilibrium.

User avatar
jabberwockOG
Posts: 1805
Joined: Thu May 28, 2015 7:23 am

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by jabberwockOG » Sun Aug 04, 2019 7:43 am

Sounds like you are in great financial shape. Money's primary purpose is to buy us freedom, choice, and time. Time to figure out what kind of diy you actually enjoy doing and keep doing it. And figure out what kind of diy you especially do not like doing it and pay someone to do it for you. I love working on cars so I do 90% of car maintenance and repairs. I hate yard work so I pay to keep my yard nicely maintained each week.

User avatar
blaugranamd
Posts: 594
Joined: Wed Apr 11, 2012 1:57 pm
Location: D-lux apt in the sky

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by blaugranamd » Sun Aug 04, 2019 7:50 am

MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 10:08 am
fposte wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:56 am
I think if you're an anxious type of person, outsourcing can mean that you just worry about another layer of things.

It's possible you're talking about a kind of anxiety you'd benefit from talking to a doctor about, but maybe we can get at it from the money side here. What do your annual expenses and income look like? Are you doing all this and still not managing to save anything for retirement, or are you doing all this because you desperately want to max out your tax-advantaged space every year even if it kills you?
Thanks to the Internet, I'm obsessed with DIY. Not only that, but I absolutely hate paying anyone to do anything that I'm capable of doing myself (even with hours of obsessing and stress). I hate watching my hard-earned savings diminish. Right now, I'm maxing out retirement, have a sizable emergency fund (almost 1 year of income), and save plenty in taxable. Definitely not house-poor with a shared mortgage with my fiancee.

Maybe it's me? Just really getting tired of things not going smoothly every time.
I was the same way with our first house and my cars. Frugality and self sufficiency made me try to do everything myself. I was a lawn tech before getting into medicine and so my yard was an obsession. At about 4 years into home ownership that pride of having a nice lawn finally wore off (and I had a kid) and I started realizing I hated getting home at 6, mowing the lawn, eating dinner and going to bed with no time for myself or my family. Same went for car repairs, though it helped that I tend to fix one thing and break another. Point being give up some of the DIY/self sufficiency, it will help a lot. If you can't fathom that, it's time to see a therapist and/or doctor.
-- Don't mistake more funds for more diversity: Total Int'l + Total Market = 7k to 10k stocks -- | -- Market return does NOT = average nor 50th percentile, rather 80-90th percentile long term ---

jello_nailer
Posts: 94
Joined: Sun Apr 07, 2019 10:20 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by jello_nailer » Sun Aug 04, 2019 10:46 pm

Wabi-Sabi.
The Magnificence of imperfection.
Look it up. Embrace it.
One of the keys to a happy life.

rbaldini
Posts: 1031
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2015 3:20 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by rbaldini » Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:03 pm

If everyone tried to do everything themselves, we’d all be incredibly poor. Trade makes us wealthy. If you can afford to pay others to do some of these projects, they then do it.

Small Savanna
Posts: 131
Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2019 2:27 am

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by Small Savanna » Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:13 pm

We recently moved into a new for us, 50 year old house. It also has a sprinkler system, but I haven't actually figured out how to turn it on yet. On the positive side, as the lawn slowly goes brown I've been able to cut back to mowing every other week, so it's a win-win.

rich126
Posts: 859
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2018 4:56 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by rich126 » Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:36 pm

I have to admit there has been acouple of tines in the last decade that things really tried to wear me out. I took a job and ended up in a really bad situation for a good year and it was tough to go to work. Every Sundaynight was painful. I managed to survive and extricate myself from it but it gave me new perspective on what people have to deal with.

More recently I struggled with a job and relocation decision and have serious second thoughts. Couple that with the stress of moving, living in a hotel for over a month, unpacking, new job, etc. it has been stressful. I am surviving because I don’t like to quit. It also helps if you have friends and family to relax with.

Is it possible that the OP bought too much house and can’t afford its upkeep?

The money thing hasn’t been a big deal with me, it comes and it goes. I try to save my via payroll deduction and not obsess over spending it.

I certainly wouldn’t go down the children path at his time until you figure out a budget and the house.

Sometimes in life you have to do what I did when I would go skiing out west. I am a bad skier but loved the snow and sights despite not being good with heights. At times I’d be up high looking down at the village below and wonder what I got myself into. Then I would just focus on about 50 feet in front of me and went forward and continued this until I reached the bottom. Tackle one problem at a time when we can and make sure you take some time off for fun activities.

Good luck

Starfish
Posts: 1431
Joined: Wed Aug 15, 2018 6:33 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by Starfish » Mon Aug 05, 2019 12:42 am

This thread reminds me of my failures:
1. our kitchen looks terrible, old and getting worse by the day. It still cooks food, so there is that.
2. I have a gutter with an end hanging down that stores water in the rainy winters. It broke 2 years ago! I my defense I climbed the roof several times, I even bought rope and a climbing harness, but I still couldn't repair it and I am scared on the roof's edge. Well.
3.There are some recent issues (ok, recent like 1 year recent) with my electrical network so couple of my outdoor outlets don't have power anymore. Couple like in most of them. As such my sprinkler controller does not have electricity. I usually turn it on manually but I was in vacation for 3 weeks and when i came back the lawn was all nice and yellow and dry.
I mow the lawn about 4 times a year, so that is the maximum of my involvement. Yes, the grass grows to my knees, it's nicer and softer!

I always assume people who do landscaping hate nature. Why would you spend the money and time otherwise? if don't do landscaping your yard is gonna look like... OMGOMG nature! And we can't have that, can we?

CurlyDave
Posts: 1311
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2016 11:37 am

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by CurlyDave » Mon Aug 05, 2019 1:12 am

MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:47 am
...The last thing I want to do after a long week of work/commuting is come home to endless projects at our house. But I continue to do so and it isn't enough. There is always something and it always feels monumental (maybe my personality makes it that way)...
There was a time in my life when I felt the same way. And the key is right there in the words I quoted work/commuting.

I moved to a new job and a new house, and lived about an hour away from work. It was far enough so that carpooling was a reasonable way to go, but this added even more time to the commute.

I felt like I was on a treadmill that was never going to stop.

The solution was that I sold that house and moved much, much closer to work.

Suddenly, a huge load lifted from my back and I started to really like my job.

User avatar
Topic Author
MortgageOnBlack
Posts: 278
Joined: Sun Feb 05, 2012 8:50 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by MortgageOnBlack » Mon Aug 05, 2019 10:44 am

Thank you everyone for all the opinions. This thread has been very valuable for me.

I will work on calming down a bit. Also, I need to start exercising and eating healthier; I am optimistic that this will help me out quite a bit.

researcher
Posts: 1132
Joined: Thu Mar 12, 2015 7:05 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by researcher » Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:16 am

Starfish wrote:
Mon Aug 05, 2019 12:42 am
I mow the lawn about 4 times a year, so that is the maximum of my involvement. Yes, the grass grows to my knees, it's nicer and softer!

I always assume people who do landscaping hate nature. Why would you spend the money and time otherwise? if don't do landscaping your yard is gonna look like... OMGOMG nature! And we can't have that, can we?
Why do you mow the lawn at all then? Why not forgo the 4 times/yr you currently mow?

Here are some reasons people might "do landscaping" but also not "hate nature."
- To avoid rodent and/or bug issues in the home
- So the kids can enjoy/play in the yard (hard to play much of anything in waist high grass)
- So you/family/friends can enjoy outdoor gatherings (avoid sitting in lawn chairs with grass up to your elbows)
- Avoid costly penalties/fines from the local government for not properly maintaining your property

Wannaretireearly
Posts: 752
Joined: Wed Mar 31, 2010 4:39 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by Wannaretireearly » Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:29 am

U can simplify while owning a sfh.
I got rid of the mower, sprinklers and weeds by getting artificial turf. Looks great. Works cos my yard ain't huge.
Get to know local handy people. Let them help. E.g. I paid to have two L shape desks put together. Money well spent given some of these tasks can take a long time/complex.

Flip side is my wife and I took a month to put together a full size bball hoop. Difference? One was an outside project I enjoyed. The desks were something I knew I wanted done correctly without stress bw me and spouse.

Know where to spend time and money. Simplify.
I'm near my goal of a ZERO maintenance front and back yard.
Buy Low, Sell High

davebo
Posts: 834
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2008 12:02 am

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by davebo » Mon Aug 05, 2019 12:06 pm

Like others said, this isn't a time/money problem but more of an anxiety problem. If you're doing ok financially and fixing things at your house is causing you stress, then you should pick/choose certain things to outsource.

Your fence is outside, where it rains, I wouldn't worry about some water hitting it. I've lived in my house for 8 years and have a cedar fence, I'm guessing it's been there for 15+ years. I never do any maintenance, outside of fixing a few posts, and I think it looks fine (albeit a little weathered). Maybe I should power wash it and stain it, but not high on the list of things to do.

Depending on the house you buy, the to-do list is always going to be there. I went through an addition last year and had constant things racing through my mind at all times. Did a patio this year and experienced the same thing. Things on my to do list right now:

-Likely a new washer/dryer, old one just holding on.
-Wife wants new fridge/dishwasher, which means we'll have to consider changing out oven/micro due to their age.
-Have to install security cameras.
-Install new weight bearing window well covers due to patio permit
-My lawn mower broke, will have to buy new one. In meantime, have a company coming so I don't have to rush my decision.

Starfish
Posts: 1431
Joined: Wed Aug 15, 2018 6:33 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by Starfish » Mon Aug 05, 2019 1:30 pm

researcher wrote:
Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:16 am
Starfish wrote:
Mon Aug 05, 2019 12:42 am
I mow the lawn about 4 times a year, so that is the maximum of my involvement. Yes, the grass grows to my knees, it's nicer and softer!

I always assume people who do landscaping hate nature. Why would you spend the money and time otherwise? if don't do landscaping your yard is gonna look like... OMGOMG nature! And we can't have that, can we?
Why do you mow the lawn at all then? Why not forgo the 4 times/yr you currently mow?

Here are some reasons people might "do landscaping" but also not "hate nature."
- To avoid rodent and/or bug issues in the home
- So thhe kids can enjoy/play in the yard (hard to play much of anything in waist high grass)
- So you/family/friends can enjoy outdoor gatherings (avoid sitting in lawn chairs with grass up to your elbows)
- Avoid costly penalties/fines from the local government for not properly maintaining your property
For the reason you wrote. It's just a easy compromise, it takes me 30-40 minutes, it's easy work, it's relaxing no big deal.
But between mowing for several hours a year and having many hours and large quantities of money dedicated to landscaping there is a big difference.

Finridge
Posts: 655
Joined: Mon May 16, 2011 7:27 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by Finridge » Mon Aug 05, 2019 7:54 pm

MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:47 am

Example: Spent all last summer and early this summer in the hot sun putting in a nice cedar fence to replace the old collapsing fence. Besides the stresses of time and money with this project, life was good and I was proud of myself. Now I come to realization that our damn sprinkler system is water staining our fence. Needless to say, I spent all night learning about sprinkler systems, adjusting sprinkler systems, etc... I'm mentally fried. It feels like this scenario happens in my life all the time. It's like every single time I try to fix something, something else catches me by the wayside. Maybe I expect perfection, I don't know.

Perhaps, as a new home owner of 2.5-3 years, I still haven't found my groove yet. It seems I'm always looking at a tower of weeds in my yard, learning about things I know nothing about, constantly paranoid about the next major repair, etc. Fortunately, life has been good (for now) with my vehicles, but same applies to them. It's not unheard of for me to be spending my entire weekend and evenings under the hood repairing items I know nothing about on my old vehicles.

I can't help but see people who outsource everything in their lives: vehicle repairs, home maintenance, landscaping, etc.. must be nice.

All this is going on without kids even in the picture, yet... I can't even imagine.
How does one cope with the stresses of life?
This is great topic--something that I think we all struggle with on some level. Some struggle with it more than others, but it's a rare homeowner who does not see elements of him/her-self in this. I know I did.

You already got lots of great advice. Here is my two cents--some of which duplicates aspects of advice already given:

- The house and yard are there to serve you, not there for you to serve them.
- Make your yard as low maintenance as possible. If you have a lawn, get rid of it ASAP. Instead xeriscape or put in a low maintenance, drought resistant landscaping. Ideally, you should have a yard that does not require a sprinkler system.
- In all future home improvement projects, a major goal should be reducing future maintenance concerns. It's too late with this fence, but in the future, don't put in a fence that will water stain.
- Spending the time, money and effort to accomplish the above is a prudent investment. An investment that will provide returns in both avoiding unnecessary future financial expenses and also in freeing up a lot of time. It's shocking to me how much time and money pour into their lawns. A one-time investment in replacing the lawn can permanently stop this.
- For car maintenance. Do your research, ask your friends, etc., and find an honest car mechanic who charges reasonable rates. They can be hard to find, but they do exist. Just like with the yard, locating one, is a one-time investment of time but the returns will last as long as the relationship. Have the mechanic handle most of your maintenance needs. If there are maintenance items that you know how to do, enjoy doing, and don't take much time, you can continue doing these items while you use the mechanic for everything else. You should not be spending entire weekends and evenings under the hood repairing items you know nothing about.
- If the cars are old enough that they are having continual maintenance issues, then get more reliable vehicles and sell them.

FRT15
Posts: 57
Joined: Wed Dec 16, 2015 9:58 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by FRT15 » Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:21 am

MI_bogle wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 10:11 am

My 2 cents as an unqualified armchair psychologist is that you are trying to achieve a sense of "getting ahead" by accomplishing tasks, but what you are really seeking is fulfillment and happiness. And since the work and the tasks are never ending, you're never finding a sense of complete accomplishment. It might be useful to evaluate what actually makes you happy and figure out how to achieve it. Sometimes it is very hard to let go of your longterm habit of ruthlessly attacking projects and working working working all the time, and convincing yourself to operate a different way
I can identify with this. Both of my parents show these tendencies and I have picked them up too. I have been trying to change that mindset..it's difficult but the fact that I realize this pattern is a step in the right direction.

sharukh
Posts: 224
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2016 10:19 am

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by sharukh » Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:39 am

roadnottaken wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:55 am
I, too, was pretty stressed-out after becoming a home-owner. Then I had 4 kids. Now I don't have time/energy to worry about the house -- I just try to survive each moment and each day. Have some kids - it'll help you stay in the moment :D Actually parenting is so exhausting that I now find home maintenance (yardwork, repairs, etc) to be sort-of relaxing since it's so inconsequential in comparison...
I share the same feeling

User avatar
Pete12
Posts: 285
Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2016 3:17 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by Pete12 » Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:46 am

Sandtrap wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 10:20 am
Compartmentalize
Prioritize
Strategize
Adapt
Improvise
Be realistic with yourself, the tasks, and others.

Know that not everything (most things) cannot be fixed, or done to perfection. Like a "Bogle Portfolio", perfection is not the goal, "good enough" also works. And, the pursuit of perfection and excellence that makes us succeed at work is not necessarily healthy to bring home. (enjoy messing up).

This has nothing to do with the house, home ownership, or time, or money.

It has everything to do with how we approach things and the expectations we bring.

Good luck!
j
^This 1000%
Could not have said it better myself.

Texanbybirth
Posts: 1227
Joined: Tue Apr 14, 2015 12:07 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by Texanbybirth » Tue Aug 06, 2019 9:06 am

sharukh wrote:
Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:39 am
roadnottaken wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:55 am
I, too, was pretty stressed-out after becoming a home-owner. Then I had 4 kids. Now I don't have time/energy to worry about the house -- I just try to survive each moment and each day. Have some kids - it'll help you stay in the moment :D Actually parenting is so exhausting that I now find home maintenance (yardwork, repairs, etc) to be sort-of relaxing since it's so inconsequential in comparison...
I share the same feeling
Yup :beer
Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow, | Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow. | None has ever caught him yet, for Tom, he is the master: | His songs are stronger songs, and his feet are faster.

User avatar
knpstr
Posts: 2395
Joined: Thu Nov 20, 2014 8:57 pm
Location: Michigan

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by knpstr » Tue Aug 06, 2019 9:42 am

Easy fix, put in a vinyl fence.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius

Snowjob
Posts: 1608
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:53 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by Snowjob » Tue Aug 06, 2019 9:44 am

MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 10:08 am
.... Not only that, but I absolutely hate paying anyone to do anything that I'm capable of doing myself (even with hours of obsessing and stress). I hate watching my hard-earned savings diminish. Right now, I'm maxing out retirement, have a sizable emergency fund (almost 1 year of income), and save plenty in taxable. Definitely not house-poor with a shared mortgage with my fiancee.

Maybe it's me? Just really getting tired of things not going smoothly every time.
Honestly as a new home owner your bills probably doubled or more, and you are committing extra time to things you never had to do before. In a snapshot today you may be fine, but if you were saving a lot more in the past, it makes the long hours and commute to work FEEL much less productive at the end of the week.

I am about 1 year into my home and that has been my experience to a degree. If you think of paying the mortgage as savings then maybe differential wont be so great.

shell921
Posts: 340
Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2018 5:13 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by shell921 » Tue Aug 06, 2019 11:04 am

MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Mon Aug 05, 2019 10:44 am
Thank you everyone for all the opinions. This thread has been very valuable for me.

I will work on calming down a bit. Also, I need to start exercising and eating healthier; I am optimistic that this will help me out quite a bit.
That's good to hear. You have to take of yourself !

I have a 10 year old custom home-4,000 sq feet. Here is my current list of things that are being done or need doing:
..........................
rain gutters need cleaning out
windows need washing
swim spa needs new cover
one exterior motion sensor needs replacing
garage doors will soon need refinishing -once again
wrought iron in front needs sanding/repainting-once again
wood front door will need refinishing again soon
weatherstripping on windows currently being replaced
.............................
I have called my handyman and he has me on his list for the motion sensor lights.
A friend is helping me with the weatherstripping and we did some but now it's too hot to work outside much.
I'll schedule the window washer for September in about a week. The rest will wait for now.
When you own a home, you never complete everything! There is always work on-going. :confused

User avatar
Pete12
Posts: 285
Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2016 3:17 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by Pete12 » Tue Aug 06, 2019 11:27 am

I am reminded of a quote by Walt Disney: "Disneyland will never be completed. It will continue to grow as long as there is imagination left in the world."

Don't be too hard on yourself, there will always be things left to do.

shell921
Posts: 340
Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2018 5:13 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by shell921 » Tue Aug 06, 2019 11:30 am

shell921 wrote:
Tue Aug 06, 2019 11:04 am
MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Mon Aug 05, 2019 10:44 am
Thank you everyone for all the opinions. This thread has been very valuable for me.

I will work on calming down a bit. Also, I need to start exercising and eating healthier; I am optimistic that this will help me out quite a bit.
That's good to hear. You have to take of yourself !

I have a 10 year old custom home-4,000 sq feet. Here is my current list of things that are being done or need doing:
..........................
rain gutters need cleaning out
windows need washing
swim spa needs new cover
one exterior motion sensor needs replacing
garage doors will soon need refinishing -once again
wrought iron in front needs sanding/repainting-once again
wood front door will need refinishing again soon
weatherstripping on windows currently being replaced
some area rugs need cleaning
.............................
I have called my handyman and he has me on his list for the motion sensor lights.
A friend is helping me with the weatherstripping and we did some but now it's too hot to work outside much.
I'll schedule the window washer for September in about a week. The rest will wait for now.

Here are some things I did 2 months ago:
..............
bought 2 new patio umbrellas
replaced one area rug
new linens for guest bedroom
new cartridge for everhot instant hot/cold dispenser
new plants for containers on kitchen terrace
........................
When you own a home, you never complete everything! There is always work on-going. :confused

THY4373
Posts: 1194
Joined: Thu Mar 22, 2012 3:17 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by THY4373 » Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:25 pm

OP I used to love home improvement but like you I would stress over things if they were imperfect and the list of things to do would always get longer. I hated outsourcing somewhat because of cost but mostly because doing all my due diligence to do get somebody good often took a lot of time on its own . I got divorced a few years ago and decided to rent because I thought I would likely to move in 5-7 years (now 3-4) and didn't want to commit to buying. Let me just say I love renting! There are so many things that would drive me nuts in the place I rent but cause me zero angst as a renter. I'll likely own again one day but it will be a condo or townouse but in the mean time renting is wonderful. I have so much more free time which I use in part to exercise and let me tell you that deals with most of my remaining stress from my job just fine. YMMV.

AKsuited
Posts: 31
Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2019 6:50 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by AKsuited » Wed Aug 07, 2019 2:27 am

MI_bogle wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 10:11 am

Don't let perfection be the enemy of good. You might consider reading up on The Paradox of Choice - a look at the monumental amount of choices we face in our lives, and how people called maximizers (you?) approach them, compared to satisficers (people that say "good enough")
I had the same thought reading the OP and his comments. It seems he is in the spectrum of maximizes in relation to his money, time, and house. I used to think the same way until I read this same book and I've learned to let things be if they aren't perfect. After reading that book; I've been happier and more content in general with everything in my life. Nothing is ever going to be completely perfect; you just have to live with "good enough".

OP, you can only do so much about your house. You have 3 choices; outsource, sell the home and rent, or learn to tolerate the imperfections and let things be. I'd would go with option 3.

exoilman
Posts: 725
Joined: Wed Oct 15, 2008 1:38 pm
Location: New Jersey

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by exoilman » Wed Aug 07, 2019 6:08 am

swordandscales wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 10:10 am
I’d recommend you talk to a therapist, and not bogleheads.

Everyone has a lane. Find a real expert to help you with your anxiety.
+1

User avatar
JoeRetire
Posts: 3426
Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2018 2:44 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by JoeRetire » Wed Aug 07, 2019 6:11 am

MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:47 am
How does one cope with the stresses of life?
You should seek help from a mental health professional if the normal stresses of ordinary life seem too much for you.

User avatar
JoeRetire
Posts: 3426
Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2018 2:44 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by JoeRetire » Wed Aug 07, 2019 6:12 am

MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 10:08 am
Just really getting tired of things not going smoothly every time.
That's not the way the world works.

FederalFIRE
Posts: 214
Joined: Thu Jan 17, 2019 11:40 am

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by FederalFIRE » Wed Aug 07, 2019 6:33 am

I dealt with issues around extreme anxiety over time management a few years ago. I was travelling a lot for work, but had tons of things to do in the office on a daily basis. I was first line supervisor, rater, approver, etc. for 36 employees, so just keeping that going was a full time job. On top of it I was doing an aggressive business development campaign that had me on the road about 50% of the time. Add to that there was a lot of stress in my family life at the time.

It came to a head one day while driving to the airport in the form of a full on panic attack. Had to pull over to the side of the road. Couldn't breathe. Heart racing. Didn't know if I should cry or scream. It was not good.

I was fortunate to have some supportive friends who suggested I see a therapist to talk through things. Only went about 5 times, but it totally changed my perspective to just explain the situation to a neutral third party and have the opportunity to put things out there and genuinely reflect on them. I ended up changing a number of things in my life and found that it made a huge difference. I haven't had any recurrence of that issue in 3 years now.

All I can say is, speaking to someone is a sign of strength. It was difficult to admit that I didn't have it all under control, but the decision to talk with someone about it really changed things for me.

Yukon
Posts: 250
Joined: Wed Jan 23, 2008 8:10 am

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by Yukon » Wed Aug 07, 2019 6:40 am

MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 10:25 am

Everything always feels like an emergency to me because of the long-term consequences of letting it go. It's very hard for me to truly prioritize. Examples:
1) Sprinkler running on fence = Fence permanently ruined
2) Gutter Leak = Foundation problems
3) Weeds = Yard will be over-run

I feel like everything is deteriorating right before my very eyes.
1) Shut off sprinkler
2) Pay someone to clean and fix gutters
3) Who cares?
Don't Work Forever.

Cycle
Posts: 1473
Joined: Sun May 28, 2017 7:57 pm
Location: Minneapolis

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by Cycle » Wed Aug 07, 2019 7:49 am

You could have just not erected a new fence.

I water our flowers, but not the lawn. It gets a little brown but not worth pumping drinking water on it. A minority of folks water their lawns here.

I got rid of machines that require maintenance. Down to one car. No snowblower, weedwacker, lawn mower. I just use manual tools for these things... Like a reel mower, shovel, bicycle
Never look back unless you are planning to go that way

swordandscales
Posts: 37
Joined: Fri Jul 26, 2019 3:24 pm
Location: Louisville, KY

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by swordandscales » Wed Aug 07, 2019 8:37 am

FederalFIRE wrote:
Wed Aug 07, 2019 6:33 am
I dealt with issues around extreme anxiety over time management a few years ago. I was travelling a lot for work, but had tons of things to do in the office on a daily basis. I was first line supervisor, rater, approver, etc. for 36 employees, so just keeping that going was a full time job. On top of it I was doing an aggressive business development campaign that had me on the road about 50% of the time. Add to that there was a lot of stress in my family life at the time.

It came to a head one day while driving to the airport in the form of a full on panic attack. Had to pull over to the side of the road. Couldn't breathe. Heart racing. Didn't know if I should cry or scream. It was not good.

I was fortunate to have some supportive friends who suggested I see a therapist to talk through things. Only went about 5 times, but it totally changed my perspective to just explain the situation to a neutral third party and have the opportunity to put things out there and genuinely reflect on them. I ended up changing a number of things in my life and found that it made a huge difference. I haven't had any recurrence of that issue in 3 years now.

All I can say is, speaking to someone is a sign of strength. It was difficult to admit that I didn't have it all under control, but the decision to talk with someone about it really changed things for me.
Great comment, similar story here. It’s important that people see these stories, because it’s ultimately what removes the stigma.
Discipline is freedom. | -Jocko Willink

shell921
Posts: 340
Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2018 5:13 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by shell921 » Wed Aug 07, 2019 9:32 am

sword and scales said:

"Great comment, similar story here. It’s important that people see these stories, because it’s ultimately what removes the stigma"

and this I very much agree with. It is important that we recognize that mental health is SO important and there should be no shame is seeking help.

It is a sign of STRENGTH to seek help. We ALL will need help at some point in our lives !

MarkerFM
Posts: 151
Joined: Fri Nov 30, 2018 4:18 pm

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by MarkerFM » Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:30 pm

Let me add my perspective. I'm by nature a highly driven, competitive person also prone to anxiety. I felt somewhat the same as you with our first house. Over time, I've learned there are many more important things.

We bought a condo where we live part of the year as a partial solution. At our large, complicated house where we live the rest of the year, we outsource quite a bit but where we live it's impossible to get certain things addressed in a timely manner. So, these fall on me. I enjoy the challenge of figuring things out and seeing how they work. Instead of getting tense about it, I laugh at myself as I make mistakes or botch a project, and tell my best friend the funny stories that result. I have a ridiculous collection of odd tools and every time I go in the basement or garage I'll look at something and just smile as I remember when I used them.

FederalFIRE
Posts: 214
Joined: Thu Jan 17, 2019 11:40 am

Re: Extreme Anxiety with Time/Money

Post by FederalFIRE » Thu Aug 08, 2019 4:38 pm

swordandscales wrote:
Wed Aug 07, 2019 8:37 am
FederalFIRE wrote:
Wed Aug 07, 2019 6:33 am
I dealt with issues around extreme anxiety over time management a few years ago. I was travelling a lot for work, but had tons of things to do in the office on a daily basis. I was first line supervisor, rater, approver, etc. for 36 employees, so just keeping that going was a full time job. On top of it I was doing an aggressive business development campaign that had me on the road about 50% of the time. Add to that there was a lot of stress in my family life at the time.

It came to a head one day while driving to the airport in the form of a full on panic attack. Had to pull over to the side of the road. Couldn't breathe. Heart racing. Didn't know if I should cry or scream. It was not good.

I was fortunate to have some supportive friends who suggested I see a therapist to talk through things. Only went about 5 times, but it totally changed my perspective to just explain the situation to a neutral third party and have the opportunity to put things out there and genuinely reflect on them. I ended up changing a number of things in my life and found that it made a huge difference. I haven't had any recurrence of that issue in 3 years now.

All I can say is, speaking to someone is a sign of strength. It was difficult to admit that I didn't have it all under control, but the decision to talk with someone about it really changed things for me.
Great comment, similar story here. It’s important that people see these stories, because it’s ultimately what removes the stigma.
Agree 100%. There is, and should be, no shame in admitting that sometimes life is hard. Sometimes it helps to talk about that and work through it. I try to be open about my own experiences in hopes that it can help others.

Post Reply