Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

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tennisplyr
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by tennisplyr » Wed Jul 24, 2019 6:41 am

Gratitude never goes out of favor....heaven help us!
Those who move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out.

Mr.BB
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by Mr.BB » Wed Jul 24, 2019 7:45 am

TallBoy29er wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 2:26 pm
Definitely not out of favor. A sign of maturity and respect, yes.
+1
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by carolinaman » Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:16 am

david wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 1:42 pm
It's still done. Though sometimes it takes a bunch of time to write and send them all.
That is why they are so much appreciated. I greatly appreciate it when someone sends me a hand written note. So much better than a text or email or typed letter. It seems to be a lost art. Younger people often do not understand the good manners this represents.

Colorado13
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by Colorado13 » Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:17 am

I appreciate receiving them and have been told from others that they appreciate receiving them from me, partly because they are less common than they used to be. Gratitude never goes out of style...

camden
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by camden » Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:25 am

I hope societal changes do not eliminate the courtesy of thanking someone for a gift or a kindness they have rendered to me, which I would regard as an elementary gesture of respect. I make it a point to do that. Always have, always will.

When I am the gift giver, I’m not keeping score and don’t lose sleep if there is no acknowledgement, but it is nice to know that the gift was received. Do not care if this is done via a written note or by e-mail or text.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by stoptothink » Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:29 am

AlohaJoe wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 9:46 pm
JoeJohnson wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 9:12 pm
KirklandCoug wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:54 pm
Frankly it pisses me off when I don't get a thank you note. I tape graduation announcements to a window when I send a monetary gift. When a thank you note comes, the person is hen taken down. When school starts in the fall, I just look at the ones still taped to the window and wonder if they were grateful at all. I guess this is a pet peeve.
Keeping a mental accounting of outstanding thank you notes is just as bad, if not worse, than the giftee not sending a thank you note.
Definitely worse. It means it came with strings attached and so was never really a gift in the first place.
This is exactly why I am so against "gifting" norms, it inevitably creates ridiculous reasons for people to be offended or guilts them into doing things they normally wouldn't. You should give because you want to, not because you are expecting something back.

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8foot7
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by 8foot7 » Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:47 am

stoptothink wrote:
Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:29 am
AlohaJoe wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 9:46 pm
JoeJohnson wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 9:12 pm
KirklandCoug wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:54 pm
Frankly it pisses me off when I don't get a thank you note. I tape graduation announcements to a window when I send a monetary gift. When a thank you note comes, the person is hen taken down. When school starts in the fall, I just look at the ones still taped to the window and wonder if they were grateful at all. I guess this is a pet peeve.
Keeping a mental accounting of outstanding thank you notes is just as bad, if not worse, than the giftee not sending a thank you note.
Definitely worse. It means it came with strings attached and so was never really a gift in the first place.
This is exactly why I am so against "gifting" norms, it inevitably creates ridiculous reasons for people to be offended or guilts them into doing things they normally wouldn't. You should give because you want to, not because you are expecting something back.
I'm glad someone said this. Honestly if I learned someone that gave me something felt this way, I'd want to have a conversation with them and ask them not to give me anything at all anymore. I do not want to be indebted to someone for a "gift" and have this unspoken point of angst between us that I did not act in a way that totally satisfied you after I received what I thought was an obligation-free gift.

To be clear, I believe in gratitude and I believe you should communicate a thank you for all things. I think a voice call or an e-mail is sufficient for almost everything these days except for gifts of extraordinary magnitude in time or expense. But if you're literally keeping score of whether I send you a note or not, then I'd rather be taken off your gift list.

Nowizard
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by Nowizard » Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:55 am

Handwritten notes are never out of style, one of the reasons they are recommended following job interviews. We receive them occasionally from one daughter-in-law, but emails are often considered to be adequate substitutes for many of the current generation. There are many issues in etiquette that someone can avoid, though extra effort does get noticed.

Tim

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by Userdc » Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:56 am

I guess I’m in the minority here, but I don’t like thank you notes and I certainly hope they are going away. We all have enough on our plates in life without collectively burdening ourselves with another chore.

I also find them disingenuous. It’s odd that every gift I’ve received a thank you note for has apparently been a huge hit, while I’ve personally received many awkward and underwhelming presents.

Thank me in person the next time you see me, or with a text, or not at all. I certainly don’t expect a note and I don't write them.

Whenever I get one, especially a handwritten one, I just feel bad for the person who felt obligated to write one. I use a pen so rarely these days, that my hand aches in sympathy every time I get one.

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8foot7
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by 8foot7 » Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:59 am

fru-gal wrote:
Wed Jul 24, 2019 6:39 am
alfaspider wrote:
Wed Jul 24, 2019 1:40 am

It's 2019. Send it with a tracking number if you are so concerned about receipt.
A tracking number guarantees nothing. In my experience it can mean Your package was left on a porch a block away.
Your gift arrived. There's very little chance it didn't. This should no longer be a driving concern these days.

retiredjg
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by retiredjg » Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:59 am

I can't remember the last time I got a thank you note for a wedding or graduation gift. Disappointing.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by lthenderson » Wed Jul 24, 2019 9:09 am

Housedoc wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 1:39 pm
We have sent several wedding and bridal shower gifts this year. Not a single thank you note. Is this Old School and not done any longer?
Sadly I think this is on old school thing these days. When I do something gift/action for the younger generation, I generally get a text, acknowledgement via Facebook, etc., if I get anything at all. I on the other hand wrote about a million Thank You cards for all the condolence cards sent to me when my mom passed away last fall. I actually found it to be good therapy.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by CFM300 » Wed Jul 24, 2019 4:45 pm

AlohaJoe wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 11:41 pm
Yes, that's pretty much the definition of "strings attached", when you expect something in return.
I disagree. All I'm expecting is for someone to be polite. If I offer to take you out to dinner, am I attaching strings if I expect that you'll wear pants and not throw food?

megabad
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by megabad » Wed Jul 24, 2019 5:18 pm

Interesting thread. I would say my answer is split.

For weddings, it is bad form NOT to send thank you notes. I don't care how old you are. I just attended a wedding of two 22 year olds that I barely knew and I got a thank you note for a small gift. The person I attended with was much younger than me and found this strange though.

I don't do bridal showers, but the few baby showers I have attended have been a mixed bag, so I don't really expect thank yous anymore.

Way way back, my mother used to send thank you notes for everything. I mean every single birthday gift, christmas gift, graduation gift and anything else that every happened. This I would consider old fashioned and a pain. She would go through hundreds of them. Nowadays, I expect a quick text or phone call for most occasions. At least that is what I do (and everyone I know). I mean shoot, if you are going to text them wishing them merry christmas anyway, open the gift first and say thank you.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by TexasPE » Wed Jul 24, 2019 5:49 pm

alfaspider wrote:
Wed Jul 24, 2019 1:36 am
. It's one thing to write a nice note for an unexpected one-off kindness. It's another to have a pile of 50+ notes to write after a major life event.
Let's see - for weddings, if the average gift is a low-ball $50, that's $2500 spent for 50 gifts. [A more typical $100 per gift would be $5000]. These gifts are usually something the couple has created a gift register for, so the giver assumes it is something they actually want/ need. If the recipients spend 4-5 minutes per gift in writing the note, that is ~4 hours of work for $2500-5000 in things they requested. :moneybag

Hard to see how this is burdensome, since they created a gift register and sent every casual acquaintance or distant relative an invitation. :!:

A destination wedding is even better IMHO - knowing only a few will be able to attend but shotgunning the invitations (not an announcement). :annoyed
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by alfaspider » Thu Jul 25, 2019 10:51 am

TexasPE wrote:
Wed Jul 24, 2019 5:49 pm
alfaspider wrote:
Wed Jul 24, 2019 1:36 am
. It's one thing to write a nice note for an unexpected one-off kindness. It's another to have a pile of 50+ notes to write after a major life event.
Let's see - for weddings, if the average gift is a low-ball $50, that's $2500 spent for 50 gifts. [A more typical $100 per gift would be $5000]. These gifts are usually something the couple has created a gift register for, so the giver assumes it is something they actually want/ need. If the recipients spend 4-5 minutes per gift in writing the note, that is ~4 hours of work for $2500-5000 in things they requested. :moneybag

Hard to see how this is burdensome, since they created a gift register and sent every casual acquaintance or distant relative an invitation. :!:

A destination wedding is even better IMHO - knowing only a few will be able to attend but shotgunning the invitations (not an announcement). :annoyed
It was a lot more than 4 hours of work to organize all the gifts, remember who sent what, find all the addresses, buy stamps (thank-you notes and other socially conventional cards are literally the only reason I buy stamps anymore), write all the cards, etc. It was probably a 20+ hour task and took many weeks. You couldn't organize it all at once, as the gifts trickled in.

The registry is a social expectation. If you don't register, people will keep asking you where you registered. I honestly would have preferred cash only or no gifts at all, but the social convention in the U.S. is that you register for gifts. I suppose you can say "no gifts", but people send them anyways because they feel obligated.

To be honest, I'd prefer to do away with gift giving altogether except for children (who can't really purchase things they want on their own) or for special one-off gifts not connected with any socially specified gift giving time. Gifts result in so much waste from unneeded and unwanted items. If I really want something, I buy it for myself.

I also find destination weddings awful. Many times, I really do want to to a friend/relations wedding, but they've chosen some far-flung location I don't want to go to. I've spent a lot of money going to places I dislike because I wanted to support someone. When it's a relative, you often have little choice.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by gmc4h232 » Thu Jul 25, 2019 10:55 am

Housedoc wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 1:39 pm
We have sent several wedding and bridal shower gifts this year. Not a single thank you note. Is this Old School and not done any longer?
Yes it is Old School along with good manners, class, tact, and general good taste.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by wolf359 » Thu Jul 25, 2019 11:07 am

Housedoc wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 1:39 pm
We have sent several wedding and bridal shower gifts this year. Not a single thank you note. Is this Old School and not done any longer?
It IS Old School. That makes them so much more appreciated when someone sends one.

I send them myself specifically for this reason. My kids like it because using snail mail is so quaint.

But I have noticed that most people don't do it. I'm not offended by this, but I will definitely think more positively of the people who send them.

alfaspider
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by alfaspider » Thu Jul 25, 2019 11:11 am

CFM300 wrote:
Wed Jul 24, 2019 4:45 pm
AlohaJoe wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 11:41 pm
Yes, that's pretty much the definition of "strings attached", when you expect something in return.
I disagree. All I'm expecting is for someone to be polite. If I offer to take you out to dinner, am I attaching strings if I expect that you'll wear pants and not throw food?
No. In this case, you are expecting the commission of a specific act. In the dinner example, you expecting the omission of socially unacceptable acts. If the norms of politeness impose an obligation on what should be an obligation-free act, then the norms should be changed. If your gift comes with expectations, I don't want your gift because it is no gift at all.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by PalmQueen » Thu Jul 25, 2019 11:25 am

alfaspider wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 10:51 am
TexasPE wrote:
Wed Jul 24, 2019 5:49 pm
alfaspider wrote:
Wed Jul 24, 2019 1:36 am
. It's one thing to write a nice note for an unexpected one-off kindness. It's another to have a pile of 50+ notes to write after a major life event.
Let's see - for weddings, if the average gift is a low-ball $50, that's $2500 spent for 50 gifts. [A more typical $100 per gift would be $5000]. These gifts are usually something the couple has created a gift register for, so the giver assumes it is something they actually want/ need. If the recipients spend 4-5 minutes per gift in writing the note, that is ~4 hours of work for $2500-5000 in things they requested. :moneybag

Hard to see how this is burdensome, since they created a gift register and sent every casual acquaintance or distant relative an invitation. :!:

A destination wedding is even better IMHO - knowing only a few will be able to attend but shotgunning the invitations (not an announcement). :annoyed
It was a lot more than 4 hours of work to organize all the gifts, remember who sent what, find all the addresses, buy stamps (thank-you notes and other socially conventional cards are literally the only reason I buy stamps anymore), write all the cards, etc. It was probably a 20+ hour task and took many weeks. You couldn't organize it all at once, as the gifts trickled in.
Seriously?
What about that spreadsheet or other method you used to send invitations and track responses?
Include a column for gifts and fill it in as you receive them. If stamps are such a burden, buy them at the same time you buy the invitation stamps.
If you wanted to really show your appreciation, as the gifts "trickle in" the thank you notes can "trickle out" at the same pace.
There's no rule that says you have to wait until after the wedding to acknowledge the thoughtfulness of those who send gifts.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by CFM300 » Thu Jul 25, 2019 11:52 am

alfaspider wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 11:11 am
CFM300 wrote:
Wed Jul 24, 2019 4:45 pm
AlohaJoe wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 11:41 pm
Yes, that's pretty much the definition of "strings attached", when you expect something in return.
I disagree. All I'm expecting is for someone to be polite. If I offer to take you out to dinner, am I attaching strings if I expect that you'll wear pants and not throw food?
No. In this case, you are expecting the commission of a specific act. In the dinner example, you expecting the omission of socially unacceptable acts. If the norms of politeness impose an obligation on what should be an obligation-free act, then the norms should be changed. If your gift comes with expectations, I don't want your gift because it is no gift at all.
Ah, I see. Commission vs. omission. Well, just so we're clear, I'll also expect you to be punctual, to wipe your mouth with your napkin, to be polite to the restaurant staff, etc. So many strings...

Do you find it onerous to say "Thank you" when someone holds the door for you? Perhaps you give them a helpful lecture about gifts and obligations when in response to your silence they say (with a smile), "You're welcome!"

I definitely think there are occasions where thank you's need not be given, but those are also definitely the exceptions, not the rule.

Just my opinions. I'll go back to my rocker now. :beer

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by alfaspider » Thu Jul 25, 2019 12:10 pm

CFM300 wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 11:52 am
alfaspider wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 11:11 am
CFM300 wrote:
Wed Jul 24, 2019 4:45 pm
AlohaJoe wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 11:41 pm
Yes, that's pretty much the definition of "strings attached", when you expect something in return.
I disagree. All I'm expecting is for someone to be polite. If I offer to take you out to dinner, am I attaching strings if I expect that you'll wear pants and not throw food?
No. In this case, you are expecting the commission of a specific act. In the dinner example, you expecting the omission of socially unacceptable acts. If the norms of politeness impose an obligation on what should be an obligation-free act, then the norms should be changed. If your gift comes with expectations, I don't want your gift because it is no gift at all.
Ah, I see. Commission vs. omission. Well, just so we're clear, I'll also expect you to be punctual, to wipe your mouth with your napkin, to be polite to the restaurant staff, etc. So many strings...

Do you find it onerous to say "Thank you" when someone holds the door for you? Perhaps you give them a helpful lecture about gifts and obligations when in response to your silence they say (with a smile), "You're welcome!"

I definitely think there are occasions where thank you's need not be given, but those are also definitely the exceptions, not the rule.

Just my opinions. I'll go back to my rocker now. :beer
To be clear, there is nothing wrong with expressions of gratitude or politeness, nor social decorum. And in fact, I do make it a point to thank people.

My issue is limited to the social expectation of a slip of paper physically delivered and to people who get upset about responses (or lack thereof) to gifts. If I give a gift, it comes with zero expectations whatsoever because it is a GIFT, not a payment in kind.

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dm200
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by dm200 » Thu Jul 25, 2019 12:12 pm

More broadly, the entire sending of physical notes and cards is "out of favor".

One long time friend is still always sending physical cards/notes in the mail for all kinds of things.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by CFM300 » Thu Jul 25, 2019 1:00 pm

alfaspider wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 12:10 pm
My issue is limited to the social expectation of a slip of paper physically delivered and to people who get upset about responses (or lack thereof) to gifts. If I give a gift, it comes with zero expectations whatsoever because it is a GIFT, not a payment in kind.
This thread began with a question about thank you notes, but made no mention of the form. I never said anything about paper, and I have no problem with emails, texts, or verbal acknowledgements.

This thread also began with specific examples about wedding and bridal shower gifts. I find it incredible that someone would agree to be the center of a gift-giving party (the very point of a bridal shower) and then complain about being expected to say "thank you" for gifts received. If one doesn't want to have to say "thank you" perhaps one shouldn't ask for gifts.

*edited once to correct a typo
Last edited by CFM300 on Thu Jul 25, 2019 4:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by Sunflower » Thu Jul 25, 2019 1:40 pm

As a long-distance maiden aunt with no children, I sincerely appreciate and enjoy thank you notes from the nieces/nephews and now great-nieces/nephews, written specifically to me, in their handwriting and sometimes baby scrawl (with mom holding the pencil/crayon). The notes have given me such joy over the years and I've loved hearing from them in their words (especially going from small children to teens), some including what they did that day or what they plan to do with the gift. I've been disappointed when gifts weren't acknowledged, not so much because a thank you note was deemed deserved, but because I felt the gift wasn't appreciated and I missed their banter. It isn't just a "thank you" -- it means something to some people.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by stoptothink » Thu Jul 25, 2019 2:51 pm

alfaspider wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 10:51 am


To be honest, I'd prefer to do away with gift giving altogether except for children (who can't really purchase things they want on their own) or for special one-off gifts not connected with any socially specified gift giving time. Gifts result in so much waste from unneeded and unwanted items. If I really want something, I buy it for myself.
We have done this on my side of the family. No gifts, period, except for grandparents to grandkids. Doesn't matter what it is: birthdays, Christmas, weddings, graduations...no gifts. My brother and I had this discussion at Christmas about 7yrs ago, asked the rest of the family if they were OK with it, and it has been an unwritten rule since. It eliminated so much drama.

Brought it up to my in-laws a few years ago and MIL was unbelievably offended.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by smitcat » Thu Jul 25, 2019 3:33 pm

Of course we send thank you notes via the mail as well as other follow up notes.
It is never too old to send someone a thank you or follow up.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by Jags4186 » Thu Jul 25, 2019 4:12 pm

Thank you notes for wedding gifts are expected and I remember every one I haven’t received.

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burt
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by burt » Thu Jul 25, 2019 5:15 pm

No acknowledgment of a gift is rude and disrespectful.
A large gift deserves more than a 5 word text message and a "smiley face".
I do not tolerate rude and disrespectful people.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by blaugranamd » Thu Jul 25, 2019 7:20 pm

sunny_socal wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 2:54 pm
My wife always sends thank you notes. I'm lucky I have her because I don't think I would :wink:
Quite the opposite for me. We got married then I went off to military training immediately after the honeymoon. Entrusted the wife with that job while I was gone. Wife was just hanging out the rest of the summer. Over a year later I find all the thank you cards we bought stuffed in a box in the back of the closet...
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by Miriam2 » Thu Jul 25, 2019 9:01 pm

Housedoc wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 1:39 pm
We have sent several wedding and bridal shower gifts this year. Not a single thank you note. Is this Old School and not done any longer?
This calls for professional help - from Miss Manners :happy

"DEAR MISS MANNERS:

I have noticed that you are big on thank-you notes for everything.
You stay the night, you send a thank-you note.
You have dinner with somebody, you send a note.
You receive a gift, you send a note. . . .

. . . Why is it so important to send a thank-you note? Isn’t that just a little too much thanking? "


"MISS MANNERS:

GENTLE READER, Yes, if you give Miss Manners one moment to ponder a world in which there is “too much thanking.” She is having trouble imagining such a sublime thing.

If you did not understand the pleasure of receiving written thanks, you would not be sending them to your family.

The rule for thanking people for presents is to respond in kind. If someone sends one through the mail and is not there to see you open it, you send a letter. For ones handed out in person, verbal thanks are generally enough (unless it is a significant piece of jewelry or an otherwise extraordinary -- or costly -- present).

For meals and overnight stays, it is dependent on the ceremony of the occasion. A formal dinner party requires a formal, written thank-you note. Pizza back at the house does not. . . . Whew. Got all that? Complicated as it may sound, it really is not.

And Miss Manners still maintains that it is far better than a world without gratitude."

Thank you

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by Gnirk » Thu Jul 25, 2019 11:03 pm

Sunflower wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 1:40 pm
As a long-distance maiden aunt with no children, I sincerely appreciate and enjoy thank you notes from the nieces/nephews and now great-nieces/nephews, written specifically to me, in their handwriting and sometimes baby scrawl (with mom holding the pencil/crayon). The notes have given me such joy over the years and I've loved hearing from them in their words (especially going from small children to teens), some including what they did that day or what they plan to do with the gift. I've been disappointed when gifts weren't acknowledged, not so much because a thank you note was deemed deserved, but because I felt the gift wasn't appreciated and I missed their banter. It isn't just a "thank you" -- it means something to some people.
:thumbsup :thumbsup :thumbsup

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by SoAnyway » Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:19 am

daheld wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:16 pm
My wife and I literally worked on thank you notes while we waited in the airport to and from our honeymoon. It's not out of favor, and young people still have manners.
Good to know. I used to receive regular (and very cute and awkwardly-written) thank you notes from nieces/nephews when they were in grade school. Now that they're in their teens/20s, radio silence in response to my generous Christmas/Birthday gifts - presumably because their parents aren't sitting down with them to write them, secure in the thought that they'd properly taught their kids about expressions of gratitude.

In fact - as I now know - their kids only learned to do what they were told. They whiffed on any understanding of WHY they were doing it. Since their parents aren't sitting down and instructing them now, they don't say thank you.

SoAnyway, do I talk to my sibling/in-law? Do I stop sending gifts to their shamelessly ungrateful offspring? :confused
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8foot7
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by 8foot7 » Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:26 am

burt wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 5:15 pm
No acknowledgment of a gift is rude and disrespectful.
A large gift deserves more than a 5 word text message and a "smiley face".
I do not tolerate rude and disrespectful people.
If you feel disrespected because your expected thank you shows up in a different form than apparently you require, the problem I might suggest is not with the thanker.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by 8foot7 » Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:28 am

SoAnyway wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:19 am


SoAnyway, do I talk to my sibling/in-law? Do I stop sending gifts to their shamelessly ungrateful offspring? :confused
I can’t imagine
a) talking to the parents of legal adults (19 and older) about the lack of a thank you note
b) sending adult nieces and nephews gifts except perhaps for a wedding or a first baby

alfaspider
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by alfaspider » Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:29 am

CFM300 wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 1:00 pm
alfaspider wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 12:10 pm
My issue is limited to the social expectation of a slip of paper physically delivered and to people who get upset about responses (or lack thereof) to gifts. If I give a gift, it comes with zero expectations whatsoever because it is a GIFT, not a payment in kind.
This thread began with a question about thank you notes, but made no mention of the form. I never said anything about paper, and I have no problem with emails, texts, or verbal acknowledgements.

This thread also began with specific examples about wedding and bridal shower gifts. I find it incredible that someone would agree to be the center of a gift-giving party (the very point of a bridal shower) and then complain about being expected to say "thank you" for gifts received. If one doesn't want to have to say "thank you" perhaps one shouldn't ask for gifts.

*edited once to correct a typo
Most of the time, someone will offer the bridal shower unprompted. It can be rude to decline. It’s almost impossible to avoid receiving a large number of gifts if you are getting married. I really would have preferred not to receive wedding gifts, but I wasn’t driving the bus.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by mancich » Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:31 am

PalmQueen wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 4:24 pm
Doom&Gloom wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:36 pm
Seems very parent-dependent to me.
Agreed and just a suggestion to the parents of young children reading this thread. If when your children are young, you encourage (require) them to make simple thank you notes for gifts they receive, you'll be gifting them a lifelong social skill.
+1000 It starts with the parents. Ingrain this into the kids and they will hopefully do it for the rest of their lives. The fact that so many people DON'T do it makes it an easy way to stand out as a gracious, classy person.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by alfaspider » Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:33 am

SoAnyway wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:19 am
daheld wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:16 pm
My wife and I literally worked on thank you notes while we waited in the airport to and from our honeymoon. It's not out of favor, and young people still have manners.
Good to know. I used to receive regular (and very cute and awkwardly-written) thank you notes from nieces/nephews when they were in grade school. Now that they're in their teens/20s, radio silence in response to my generous Christmas/Birthday gifts - presumably because their parents aren't sitting down with them to write them, secure in the thought that they'd properly taught their kids about expressions of gratitude.

In fact - as I now know - their kids only learned to do what they were told. They whiffed on any understanding of WHY they were doing it. Since their parents aren't sitting down and instructing them now, they don't say thank you.

SoAnyway, do I talk to my sibling/in-law? Do I stop sending gifts to their shamelessly ungrateful offspring? :confused
So stop sending gifts if you are so offended. It’s clearly a transaction for you and you aren’t getting what you want out of it.

Or you could be less passive aggressive and actually talk to them about your feelings instead of complaining on a message board about them or triangulating through their parents.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by alfaspider » Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:34 am

mancich wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:31 am
PalmQueen wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 4:24 pm
Doom&Gloom wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:36 pm
Seems very parent-dependent to me.
Agreed and just a suggestion to the parents of young children reading this thread. If when your children are young, you encourage (require) them to make simple thank you notes for gifts they receive, you'll be gifting them a lifelong social skill.
+1000 It starts with the parents. Ingrain this into the kids and they will hopefully do it for the rest of their lives. The fact that so many people DON'T do it makes it an easy way to stand out as a gracious, classy person.
Perhaps not. I’ve declared jihad against thank you notes in part because I was forced to do it as a child. It’s why I tell the parents of young people I send gifts to not to make them send one.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by cdu7 » Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:35 am

We sent thank you notes after our wedding, but all the invitations and notes etc were digital not paper. Actually come to think of it we did mail thank you notes for certain guests that had helped out tremendously with our wedding. The average attendee got a digital thank you note, since we were taking 100+ people.
Last edited by cdu7 on Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by smitcat » Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:38 am

alfaspider wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:34 am
mancich wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:31 am
PalmQueen wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 4:24 pm
Doom&Gloom wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:36 pm
Seems very parent-dependent to me.
Agreed and just a suggestion to the parents of young children reading this thread. If when your children are young, you encourage (require) them to make simple thank you notes for gifts they receive, you'll be gifting them a lifelong social skill.
+1000 It starts with the parents. Ingrain this into the kids and they will hopefully do it for the rest of their lives. The fact that so many people DON'T do it makes it an easy way to stand out as a gracious, classy person.
Perhaps not. I’ve declared jihad against thank you notes in part because I was forced to do it as a child. It’s why I tell the parents of young people I send gifts to not to make them send one.
Hopefully everyone practices what they have learned and think is best practices from their travels through life.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by daheld » Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:40 am

SoAnyway wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:19 am
daheld wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:16 pm
My wife and I literally worked on thank you notes while we waited in the airport to and from our honeymoon. It's not out of favor, and young people still have manners.
Good to know. I used to receive regular (and very cute and awkwardly-written) thank you notes from nieces/nephews when they were in grade school. Now that they're in their teens/20s, radio silence in response to my generous Christmas/Birthday gifts - presumably because their parents aren't sitting down with them to write them, secure in the thought that they'd properly taught their kids about expressions of gratitude.

In fact - as I now know - their kids only learned to do what they were told. They whiffed on any understanding of WHY they were doing it. Since their parents aren't sitting down and instructing them now, they don't say thank you.

SoAnyway, do I talk to my sibling/in-law? Do I stop sending gifts to their shamelessly ungrateful offspring? :confused
I agree with a previous poster that you're being overly sensitive here. Additionally, my aunts and uncles would never expect a thank you card for a normal occasion like a birthday or Christmas. That's our family dynamic though, and yours may be different. We're just plain, poor country folk, but we'd never want or expect a thank you card for a birthday present.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by cdu7 » Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:44 am

alfaspider wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:29 am
CFM300 wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 1:00 pm
alfaspider wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 12:10 pm
My issue is limited to the social expectation of a slip of paper physically delivered and to people who get upset about responses (or lack thereof) to gifts. If I give a gift, it comes with zero expectations whatsoever because it is a GIFT, not a payment in kind.
This thread began with a question about thank you notes, but made no mention of the form. I never said anything about paper, and I have no problem with emails, texts, or verbal acknowledgements.

This thread also began with specific examples about wedding and bridal shower gifts. I find it incredible that someone would agree to be the center of a gift-giving party (the very point of a bridal shower) and then complain about being expected to say "thank you" for gifts received. If one doesn't want to have to say "thank you" perhaps one shouldn't ask for gifts.

*edited once to correct a typo
Most of the time, someone will offer the bridal shower unprompted. It can be rude to decline. It’s almost impossible to avoid receiving a large number of gifts if you are getting married. I really would have preferred not to receive wedding gifts, but I wasn’t driving the bus.

We specifically said “please do not bring gifts” to our wedding guests in the invitation, but inevitably got tons anyway. Interestingly enough it was the people we were closest with who actually didn’t bring gifts as requested, which I was quite happy about. I very much dislike gift giving obligations for events like weddings and didn’t want to impose it on my guests.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by Bacchus01 » Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:47 am

My wife and I continue to be disappointed at all the graduation events we've gone to this year and in the last few years and not a single thank you note.

After our son's grad party, we had him sit down and hand-write about 50 thank you notes.

For work, I often send lengthy hand-written thank yous. It completely blows people away when they get them.

cdu7
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by cdu7 » Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:49 am

tennisplyr wrote:
Wed Jul 24, 2019 6:41 am
Gratitude never goes out of favor....heaven help us!
The problem is that most of the time these notes are done out of a sense of social obligation and not true gratitude. As a kid I always wrote thank you notes to that one aunt who I knew would get offended; the people I’m closest to would never care about a thank you note for birthday/Christmas gifts. They know I care because I’m sending them gifts as well. I agree if someone really helps you out in a big way, a note could be warranted.

SoAnyway
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by SoAnyway » Fri Jul 26, 2019 2:31 pm

alfaspider wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:34 am
mancich wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:31 am
PalmQueen wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 4:24 pm
Doom&Gloom wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:36 pm
Seems very parent-dependent to me.
Agreed and just a suggestion to the parents of young children reading this thread. If when your children are young, you encourage (require) them to make simple thank you notes for gifts they receive, you'll be gifting them a lifelong social skill.
+1000 It starts with the parents. Ingrain this into the kids and they will hopefully do it for the rest of their lives. The fact that so many people DON'T do it makes it an easy way to stand out as a gracious, classy person.
Perhaps not. I’ve declared jihad against thank you notes in part because I was forced to do it as a child. It’s why I tell the parents of young people I send gifts to not to make them send one.
alfaspider wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:33 am
So stop sending gifts if you are so offended. It’s clearly a transaction for you and you aren’t getting what you want out of it.

Or you could be less passive aggressive and actually talk to them about your feelings instead of complaining on a message board about them or triangulating through their parents.
Interesting perspective, alfaspider. Thanks, and good to know.
BTW, please don't make assumptions; I'm more puzzled than offended in any way. :confused
Perhaps the same was true for OP; hence, the reason for starting this thread. (Thanks, OP!)

SoAnyway, for the record I've told the kids multiple times that I don't need any flowery expressions of gratitude. Rather, I've politely requested that they simply acknowledge that the gift arrived - a simple text is fine - so that I know I don't have to go fuss with Amazon or whomever.
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by Trader Joe » Fri Jul 26, 2019 3:48 pm

Housedoc wrote:
Tue Jul 23, 2019 1:39 pm
We have sent several wedding and bridal shower gifts this year. Not a single thank you note. Is this Old School and not done any longer?
Good manners and gratitude never go out of style. Best of luck.

Traveler
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by Traveler » Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:42 pm

In my experience it is hit or miss on whether I receive one or not. I was pleasantly surprised to get one from my nephew who graduated high school this year and for whom I gave a nice sum of money and flew across the country for the graduation. Didn't expect it given the history. Went through a time during my 20s where I rarely got a thank you note for wedding gifts.

All that said, I have given handwritten thank you notes to team members at work after completing a big project or going above and beyond on something. Might be strange but seems more thoughtful than an email or nothing.

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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by LadyGeek » Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:50 pm

A coworker recently resigned in order to live closer to family (it was in another state, so there was no possibility of commuting). He left a hand-written thank you note to everyone in the group. :shock:

Each note was heart-felt and personalized with his experience working with you. This guy had an excellent reputation for doing good work, helping others, and knew his stuff.

We were sorry to see him leave and wished him well.
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Re: Thank you notes,,, out of favor these days?

Post by Doom&Gloom » Fri Jul 26, 2019 8:12 pm

^^^

Nice!

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