Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Questions on how we spend our money and our time - consumer goods and services, home and vehicle, leisure and recreational activities
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MortgageOnBlack
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Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by MortgageOnBlack » Wed Oct 10, 2018 11:39 pm

I have everything I need and want in life, why do I feel guilty? I have a steady job, can afford to do pretty much anything I want when I want, but I feel guilty around family and friends who aren’t able to easily do so.

I am by no means rich (make $70k a year). I don’t have any debt besides our mortgage, regularly save and invest, have a $30k emergency fund, and generally frugal besides of food and entertainment spending.

For example, recently proposed to my girlfriend and bought an engagement ring for $7834. I’m doing well financially and can afford it and wanted her to have something nice, but I’m hesitant in talking about it with those closest to me because they find the amount “ridiculous””way too much”, etc...

I can also afford to regularly travel. I feel like I offend people when I say I’m going on another trip. I’m not in any way bragging; I’m just living my life.

Most of my peers/family are living a paycheck to paycheck lifestyle.

I guess I feel guilty living. Anyone else ever feel this way? How can I overcome this feeling. It’s gotten to the point I feel terrible doing anything anymore. When I step in these forums, I feel behind seeing the results of everyone, but to my family/peers, I’m in outer space.

ronno2018
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by ronno2018 » Wed Oct 10, 2018 11:49 pm

You are amazing! What accomplishments! Just keep loving your friends and family. No need to worry about what others attain or fail at, just be supportive of them as best you can, keep doing your best and build your skills.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined." -- Henry David Thoreau

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JoMoney
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by JoMoney » Thu Oct 11, 2018 12:10 am

A lot of people aren't comfortable talking about money at all. It isn't typical that the dollar value of things comes up in conversation unless someone asks. You may have to use some discernment, but if you you're "not in any way bragging" but "feel guilty" about it, maybe there is something there, or maybe not... Hard to say from what you've told us.
"To achieve satisfactory investment results is easier than most people realize; to achieve superior results is harder than it looks." - Benjamin Graham

Smoke
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by Smoke » Thu Oct 11, 2018 12:11 am

Money is one of the great family and friend issues.
Never talk about money and investments, never seem to flaunt buying stuff.
Keep it to yourself. My wife asked me to help some with investments, Thats a big NO, if they did stuff wrong or lost their shirt it would forever be MY fault. We all know how hard it is to be disciplined and turn off the "noise". They won't.
Sadly, it will still be an issue.
I retired at age 50, debt free, and my salary was 55k per yr. One pay check, spouse stayed home taking care of the home and children upbringing.
No inheritance to speak of, no rich uncle. Almost 15yrs retired now.
We live simply and frugal, not out of need but it's what we like.
Others, in the family don't know what to make of it, always asking if we are ok.
Some assume all sorts of things, I look at it as their problem, not mine, let them assume because they will anyway.
I had received SO much money advice from family when I was starting out, it was all wrong imo.
I learned on my own and did it my way. Don't ever feel guilty for your success.

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CaliJim
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by CaliJim » Thu Oct 11, 2018 12:16 am

I understand. We reached FI before any of our brothers and sisters, built custom houses, did what we want, whenever we wanted, drive what ever brand car we wanted. We get treated subtly differently by SIL, BIL. Nothing direct....or overt.... but there is a subtle undercurrent, a space, between us that was never their when we were all younger and struggling and raising kids and more or less in the same condition They don't call as often. It's "interesting" though, some of them now made choices we would not have, have boats (Bring Out Another Thousand,) 2nd homes (bring out another 10K), horses (how much does it cost to feed that thing. what do you do when it is lying down out in the field and won't get up? Call the VET!!! Weekend large animal MD House Call. OMG $$$$), we have indulged but not in those things. Never been that interested in some of that stuff....polluting lakes, maintenance and cleaning of 2 homes. But in a way... we won that game of one-ups-man-ship... you got a houseboat? 5 acres and 2 horses. GREAT. THAT IS NICE!!! Please come visit US for Christmas! We got a new house. We have plenty of space for eveyone. You'll love it. You can help us cook, we'll have a big potluck, drink the local spirits, and have a great time. Bring your instruments so we can make music.

My advice... open your heart to them and yourself. Just be kind and minimize your feelings of being better or separate from them. We are all one. Let them see your happiness, your kindness and calm, not your furtive, stress ridden, judgemental / guilty glances. Enjoy the rewards of your good judgement, be happy for them. You deserve to enjoy the fruits of deferred consumption, hard work, disciplined LBYM. Don't show the pictures or tell the stories from your last overseas trip! LOL.
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GerryL
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by GerryL » Thu Oct 11, 2018 12:51 am

MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Wed Oct 10, 2018 11:39 pm
...

I can also afford to regularly travel. I feel like I offend people when I say I’m going on another trip. I’m not in any way bragging; I’m just living my life.

Most of my peers/family are living a paycheck to paycheck lifestyle.

I guess I feel guilty living. Anyone else ever feel this way? How can I overcome this feeling. It’s gotten to the point I feel terrible doing anything anymore.
We have all made choices to get to where we are. Some of us prefer a frugal lifestyle; others spend more of their income on wants. Some people choose to eat out frequently and have wine with their meals. I ate out less frequently and prefer to drink water.

I doubt any of my friends have socked away as much as I have, or even suspect what my net worth looks like. I don’t flaunt my finances, but I don’t feel guilty “just living my life,” which includes a lot of travel and being able to donate to charities that are special to me. Choices.

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celia
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by celia » Thu Oct 11, 2018 2:46 am

MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Wed Oct 10, 2018 11:39 pm
For example, recently proposed to my girlfriend and bought an engagement ring for $7834. I’m doing well financially and can afford it and wanted her to have something nice, but I’m hesitant in talking about it with those closest to me because they find the amount “ridiculous””way too much”, etc...
This sounds like you told a few people how much the ring cost. The feedback likely caused part of the uneasiness. Since it was no-one else's business how much you paid, you could have kept it to yourself. To your future wife, it was "priceless". (Maybe that can be your key phrase for a while.)

It is normal to share some costs with close friends if there is a reason for them to know, else why make them or you feel bad when they respond? Maybe finances need to be tabled for a while, except with your future wife. As long as we're on this topic, does she see finances/spending like you do or is she also living paycheck to paycheck? If you have different spending and savings patterns, it is best to share them and work them out with each other before getting married. If she is supportive of your efforts and of who you are, that is what is important, not what the Joneses think.
I guess I feel guilty living. Anyone else ever feel this way? How can I overcome this feeling. It’s gotten to the point I feel terrible doing anything anymore. When I step in these forums, I feel behind seeing the results of everyone, but to my family/peers, I’m in outer space.
Besides talking to your future wife about this, have you considered seeing a counselor, especially a financial counselor? Even a credit counselor will have a good perspective that you can appreciate. (See if your local credit union has one.) As long as you aren't a tight-wad, not paying your share when doing something with friends, avoid the conversations about money for a while. It just isn't any of their business what you do with your hard earned money.

As far as traveling often, that isn't just a financial issue but also a time issue in that most people don't get more than 2 weeks of vacation time a year. If you get more or need to travel for work, you have travel opportunities that, frankly, they don't have. That's not good or bad, just different than your peers.

mortfree
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by mortfree » Thu Oct 11, 2018 3:23 am

It’s ok to be on another level financially compared to your family and friends.

My question on your finances is are you doing the following?:

70k-18.5k-5.5k

I spent 12k on my wife’s ring. No one needs to know the dollar amount so yes you will get looks for mentioning that. Just like when you have a paid off home (sold for 230k) at age 39 - see how people respond to that. My personal experience.

Finally, how did you react to me spewing numbers? Me, a stranger on the internet. Maybe some feelings like your family/friends are having?

RickBoglehead
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by RickBoglehead » Thu Oct 11, 2018 4:01 am

mortfree wrote:
Thu Oct 11, 2018 3:23 am
No one needs to know the dollar amount so yes you will get looks for mentioning that.
This ^^^

NextMil
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by NextMil » Thu Oct 11, 2018 5:36 am

Yes, it's a normal feeling that you have to get over, and it fades the more you play this money game and keep winning. Also, there is always someone richer and poorer than you and there is nothing you can do about that fact. The only thing you can do is to teach a man or woman to fish, but please don't give them fish.

You will also find that some or even most of your friends will change especially if you change your station in life. Surround yourself with people you feel good about being around. Life is too short to feel guilty among family and peers because you are doing something correctly, and think about how absurd that sounds.

mouses
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by mouses » Thu Oct 11, 2018 5:49 am

I can't imagine why you told people what the engagement ring cost, as it seems like boasting. In that case, no wonder there is resentment.

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djpeteski
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by djpeteski » Thu Oct 11, 2018 5:55 am

MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Wed Oct 10, 2018 11:39 pm
...I’m hesitant in talking about it with those closest to me because they find the amount “ridiculous””way too much”, etc...

...I feel like I offend people when I say I’m going on another trip. I’m not in any way bragging; I’m just living my life.
Judging only from your original post, you are not yet wealthy. However, a simple act can make you so that is not taxable: stop caring what people think of you. Frankly, it is none of your business.

Guilt is a self destructive emotion, it needs to stop. Do you give to charities? That helps keep you centered and grounded.

What you have done is behaviorally based and those behaviors are available to anyone. There is no rational reason for guilt. Two action items:
  • Stop caring what people think
  • Give to charity

truenorth418
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by truenorth418 » Thu Oct 11, 2018 6:07 am

Congratulations! You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have made your choices based on your values, and you have achieved your goals. Good for you!

As for your friends and family, they have made their choices, too, and if they did not end up in the same place, well, that's their problem.

When I achieved financial independence at age 47, it bothered me when people would make snide remarks and judgements. Eventually I learned to get over it. Most people never ask for my advice, and those few who did never followed it anyway.

"Follow your own path, and let the people talk." - Dante

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bottlecap
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by bottlecap » Thu Oct 11, 2018 6:13 am

I’ve never felt guilty, in part because I don’t tell people how much I make, how much I spent on my wife's engagement ring, and only take two weeks of vacation a year anyway.

But if I did more than these things, I still wouldn’t feel guilty. Contrary to popular belief, what you earn is yours and yours alone. You can spend it how you like.

Good luck,

JT

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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by Grt2bOutdoors » Thu Oct 11, 2018 6:25 am

When you stop making money the focus of your interactions with others, you’ll find your relationships don’t suffer. Examples - I can pay all my bills on time, I paid $7,834 on an engagement ring, have a new car, make $70k a year. No one likes to feel or have their insecurities brought forward in conversations.

Focus on the other person - how are you? Like your new haircut, how are your kids? Show a genuine interest and forget about the material goods. It’s stupid to sink a relationship over something superficial.
"One should invest based on their need, ability and willingness to take risk - Larry Swedroe" Asking Portfolio Questions

pennywise
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by pennywise » Thu Oct 11, 2018 6:30 am

People are herd creatures; we all seek to be part of our social and family groups and part of that is a shared sense of what are, for the vast majority, tough but universal realities of financial life (be they self created or not). So for most people complaining about tight budgets and heavy debt and being shackled to a job for fear of losing income that is absolutely necessary are just commonalities that 'everyone' is experiencing.

And thus if you are living a very different life experience it is uncomfortable in the sense that you are indeed an outlier to the world of almost everyone with whom you interact. Perhaps that is the sense of discomfort if not guilt that settles over the OP. It's also one reason this forum is so popular--all the weirdos congregate here where it's safe to be open about either working toward or successfully managing one's financial life.

I tend to stay quiet during those discussions of financial issues. I confess to the occasional lunch room white lie like "well I can't afford to quit [rueful chuckle]" although the truth is I could quit tomorrow and be fine financially. I chatter about how much houses cost what with mortgages and all the other expenses, although we paid off our home's mortgage many years ago. Well, then we took one again to buy a really nice second home and when we retire we're going to pay it off by selling yet another house we own free and clear-but I don't talk about that either to people who are scraping to afford their only house. And so on.

As others have said the wisest course may be two pronged: realize that everyone manages his/her financial life as they will so there's no reason at all to feel guilty while also not flaunting the good things in life that your management has brought to you and those you love.

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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by RadAudit » Thu Oct 11, 2018 7:19 am

OP, I think you should revisit Celia's comments. Especially the ones about getting on the same page as your fiancee.
FI is the best revenge. LBYM. Invest the rest. Stay the course. - PS: The Calvary isn't coming, kids. You are on your own.

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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by coupleofcents » Thu Oct 11, 2018 7:35 am

I don't think I ever told anyone but my wife how much the engagement ring cost. Of course when you're 21 years old and paid far less than 7000+ for engagement ring and wedding band, there is not much to brag bout:) The ring was custom made in Thailand with a pink sapphire, and 12 years later she still tells me how much she loves it and how unique it is.

As for me, I try not to share numbers with family members too much. I have one family member who has the same saving/invest value and we shared our numbers once.

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Strayshot
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by Strayshot » Thu Oct 11, 2018 7:39 am

Never feel guilty about your financial state relative to others. Show empathy for their situations, but never guilt. You were not and are not the cause of any financial malfeasance amongst your friends and family.

The irony is that talking about money is the best chance most folks have at learning how to dig out of the mess they are in, but talking about money is what can drive guilt and resentment in the conversing parties.

I would never spend $8k on an engagement ring, I spent less than half of that on my wedding ring, but to each his or her own. That is the nice thing about money, each person can spend it in a way that fits their wants/needs and lifestyle to optimize their own benefits.

lostdog
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by lostdog » Thu Oct 11, 2018 7:58 am

No one brings up money at my in law family gatherings. Focus on relationship conversations. Never bring up money situations unless someone asks for the specifics and you feel comfortable. Most likely it will never be brought up unless it's a private conversation.

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Watty
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by Watty » Thu Oct 11, 2018 8:18 am

MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Wed Oct 10, 2018 11:39 pm
I am by no means rich (make $70k a year).
Maybe not wealthy but the median household income in the US is only about $60K. If your fiancee is also working in a job with decent pay then your combined income would be well above that and you could be making a lot more than many families.

It also does not sound like you have a house or kids yet so your expenses are a likely a lot lower than many people too so you may have a lot more disposable income than other people.

It is possible that you are a lot better off than you realize compared to your family and friends so you may need to be more sensitive to that.

KlangFool
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by KlangFool » Thu Oct 11, 2018 8:23 am

OP,

Thanks for the reminder. Time for me to donate to the local food bank.

KlangFool

ddurrett896
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by ddurrett896 » Thu Oct 11, 2018 8:26 am

MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Wed Oct 10, 2018 11:39 pm
I guess I feel guilty living. Anyone else ever feel this way? How can I overcome this feeling. It’s gotten to the point I feel terrible doing anything anymore. When I step in these forums, I feel behind seeing the results of everyone, but to my family/peers, I’m in outer space.
God no!

You work hard, save, live frugal and do what you want...LIVE LARGE!

I’ve got friends that never travel and live paycheck to paycheck with no savings and tons of debt. They eat out every meal, always driving newer cars and have no spending control.

I feel bad for their situation but it’s their situation and there’s, which in no way effects my lifestyle decisions.

My advice: travel more

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dratkinson
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by dratkinson » Thu Oct 11, 2018 8:34 am

Might want to focus on the benefits of practicing stealth wealth vs conspicuous consumption. Practicing stealth wealth avoids a lot of problems (guilt, loan requests,...).

Search: http://www.google.com/search?q=stealth+wealth

For family/peers, if the talk turns to money, can volunteer something like, "I use to live paycheck to paycheck, couldn't get ahead, then the Boglehead's forum helped me turn things around."

If they are interested in changing their lives, they will search for the forum.
d.r.a, not dr.a. | I'm a novice investor, you are forewarned.

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Alexa9
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by Alexa9 » Thu Oct 11, 2018 8:38 am

Social media makes people compare themselves to others more to gauge their life and happiness. Most people are not on a constant Hawaiian beach/Colorado skiing vacation but Facebook makes it appear that way. If people are jealous of you, it's their insecurity unless you're putting it in their face all the time. I wouldn't worry about it. You earned it and you have the right to enjoy it.

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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by Doohop65 » Thu Oct 11, 2018 8:51 am

I can sympathize with your plight but would echo many of the comments here about being more discreet about your money moving forward.

I come from a very blue collar background and most of my family will retire with no more than their ss checks when the day comes. As my wife and I have become more financially successful it has certainly created a subtle divide. We receive more than our share of backhanded compliments even though we go out of our way to downplay our finances.

I have a theory that it is very difficult to have long term relationships with people that are several steps up or down the financial ladder. Many will disagree with this but like someone else mentioned humans are herdlike creatures. When you move to far out of the herd norm, you become an outsider.

My best advice is to be fiercely private about your finances and keep living your life. If folks can’t accept that, it is their problem, not yours.

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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by Cyclesafe » Thu Oct 11, 2018 9:29 am

The ugly truth about success is that it can diminish the relative self-perceived status of your associates. One would think that one's family would be pleased, but when they aren't and cause pain, either one showed off or they really don't have one's best interests at heart. Unconditional love trumps envy; something less simply does not.

As one ages, there is an epiphany when one realizes how rare unconditional love is. Don't challenge this, just resolve to avoid making family/peers envious. If this is too hard, one will need to face a partial estrangement from family and a turnover of friends.

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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by stoptothink » Thu Oct 11, 2018 9:38 am

MortgageOnBlack wrote:
Wed Oct 10, 2018 11:39 pm

Most of my peers/family are living a paycheck to paycheck lifestyle.

I guess I feel guilty living. Anyone else ever feel this way? How can I overcome this feeling. It’s gotten to the point I feel terrible doing anything anymore. When I step in these forums, I feel behind seeing the results of everyone, but to my family/peers, I’m in outer space.
Why feel guilty because you have worked harder and sacrificed more than your peers/family? I have two brothers who make twice what I do and love to brag about how much they make, the cars they drive, and (lately) how much they have in retirement. It is interesting, because based on pretty much any metric their financial situations are abysmal compared to their incomes; in both cases I have 5x+ in retirement what they do (though they have no clue), no non-mortgage debt (they are both up to their eyeballs in car loans, wife's student loans...) and a nearly paid off home as well. They love to flash their money and constantly ask me how much I make and have - my answer is always the same: enough. Compared to the rest of my family, the disparity is far worse; wife and I both come from extremely humble upbringings and our parents and all other siblings likely have negative net worths (in most cases, we know for a fact they do), but they are in positions that they have 100% control over.

IMO, the best way to quell this guilt is to not talk about it. Don't fall into anyone's trap of being ashamed by your own hard work and success.

MRMN
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by MRMN » Thu Oct 11, 2018 9:40 am

Don’t feel guilty. Read some Ayn Rand, be proud, don’t compare yourself to others....goes for those above AND below your finances.

You earned it through hard work, perhaps ingenuity, or just simple elbow grease. Either way, your successes are no ones but your own. Same goes for failures. Same goes for others successes or failures....don’t make them yours.

FireProof
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by FireProof » Thu Oct 11, 2018 9:46 am

If your peers made more than you, you'd likely feel inadequate - wealth is all relative, and all about perception. If you are wealthier than your peers, it's useless to protest that there are wealthier people. On the other hand, you should not feel guilt, and it wouldnt be amiss to take some small measures like not discussing the value of your engagement ring.

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dm200
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by dm200 » Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:04 am

Maybe talk less about such things.

ThatGuy
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by ThatGuy » Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:24 am

Grt2bOutdoors wrote:
Thu Oct 11, 2018 6:25 am
Focus on the other person - how are you? Like your new haircut, how are your kids? Show a genuine interest and forget about the material goods. It’s stupid to sink a relationship over something superficial.
This is the quintessential truth to being a gentleman. Everyone loves to talk about themselves, let them. It's important to also not one-up when they do so.
Last edited by ThatGuy on Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:26 am, edited 1 time in total.
Work is the curse of the drinking class - Oscar Wilde

ThatGuy
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by ThatGuy » Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:25 am

KlangFool wrote:
Thu Oct 11, 2018 8:23 am
OP,

Thanks for the reminder. Time for me to donate to the local food bank.

KlangFool
+1
Work is the curse of the drinking class - Oscar Wilde

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dm200
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by dm200 » Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:26 am

Be nice and, reasonably generous to family members as well.

Dottie57
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by Dottie57 » Thu Oct 11, 2018 11:28 am

Sometimes I feel guilty. I look at my home and feel true happiness in the nest I’ve created. I can say most of my friends and family have homes larger and more expensive than mine. The difference in size and expense is the money in my retirement accounts.

I don’t actively talk about money. Two friends have figured out I have “a lot” butthey don’t know explicit amounts.

To handle guilt, be generous to family, friends and society. Regular contributions to charities helps.
Last edited by Dottie57 on Thu Oct 11, 2018 2:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

JackoC
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by JackoC » Thu Oct 11, 2018 11:45 am

People get told here all the time they 'shouldn't' be spending money that IMO they can obviously afford to, and the naysayers tend to act as if life goes on forever, or you can live it up when you're 80 (I hope so, but maybe not so much). However, big condition, these people generally explicitly ask for it 'should I spend X?'. :D

I doubt OP literally asks family/friends opinions about spending. Although in any case you can reduce their reaction at least in part by just not talking about it. Or, as I presume many 'can I afford it' posters here do, you can just filter out reactions you don't think are reasonable, though that's harder with people you know.

My dad and mom were somehow uneasy when it became clear we were much more financially successful than they had ever been. I could tell it bugged my dad in particular. But I never spoke of details and they never asked. That probably helped. They passed long ago, but nobody in the world to this day except me and my wife knows our net worth.

My wife doesn't wear her more expensive jewelry when we're in certain company including my extended family. We never bring our nicer car on outings in a certain social group of ours. Our second car gets enough 'must be nice' type 'compliments'. This is also an advantage of city living though, cars are in garages blocks away, their entire existence can be hidden, or at least not thrust in anyone's face like a car in your driveway in the 'burbs. If somebody happens to see us driving the newer car, sorry that's life but both sides can still pretend they didn't see one another.

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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by theplayer11 » Thu Oct 11, 2018 1:08 pm

CaliJim wrote:
Thu Oct 11, 2018 12:16 am
I understand. We reached FI before any of our brothers and sisters, built custom houses, did what we want, whenever we wanted, drive what ever brand car we wanted. We get treated subtly differently by SIL, BIL. Nothing direct....or overt.... but there is a subtle undercurrent, a space, between us that was never their when we were all younger and struggling and raising kids and more or less in the same condition They don't call as often. It's "interesting" though, some of them now made choices we would not have, have boats (Bring Out Another Thousand,) 2nd homes (bring out another 10K), horses (how much does it cost to feed that thing. what do you do when it is lying down out in the field and won't get up? Call the VET!!! Weekend large animal MD House Call. OMG $$$$), we have indulged but not in those things. Never been that interested in some of that stuff....polluting lakes, maintenance and cleaning of 2 homes. But in a way... we won that game of one-ups-man-ship... you got a houseboat? 5 acres and 2 horses. GREAT. THAT IS NICE!!! Please come visit US for Christmas! We got a new house. We have plenty of space for eveyone. You'll love it. You can help us cook, we'll have a big potluck, drink the local spirits, and have a great time. Bring your instruments so we can make music.

My advice... open your heart to them and yourself. Just be kind and minimize your feelings of being better or separate from them. We are all one. Let them see your happiness, your kindness and calm, not your furtive, stress ridden, judgemental / guilty glances. Enjoy the rewards of your good judgement, be happy for them. You deserve to enjoy the fruits of deferred consumption, hard work, disciplined LBYM. Don't show the pictures or tell the stories from your last overseas trip! LOL.
odd post IMO...why are you being judgmental on the things they chose to do? So you don't like boats and horses, they do...I don't get your point

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CaliJim
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by CaliJim » Thu Oct 11, 2018 1:43 pm

theplayer11 wrote:
Thu Oct 11, 2018 1:08 pm
CaliJim wrote:
Thu Oct 11, 2018 12:16 am
I understand. We reached FI before any of our brothers and sisters, built custom houses, did what we want, whenever we wanted, drive what ever brand car we wanted. We get treated subtly differently by SIL, BIL. Nothing direct....or overt.... but there is a subtle undercurrent, a space, between us that was never their when we were all younger and struggling and raising kids and more or less in the same condition They don't call as often. It's "interesting" though, some of them now made choices we would not have, have boats (Bring Out Another Thousand,) 2nd homes (bring out another 10K), horses (how much does it cost to feed that thing. what do you do when it is lying down out in the field and won't get up? Call the VET!!! Weekend large animal MD House Call. OMG $$$$), we have indulged but not in those things. Never been that interested in some of that stuff....polluting lakes, maintenance and cleaning of 2 homes. But in a way... we won that game of one-ups-man-ship... you got a houseboat? 5 acres and 2 horses. GREAT. THAT IS NICE!!! Please come visit US for Christmas! We got a new house. We have plenty of space for eveyone. You'll love it. You can help us cook, we'll have a big potluck, drink the local spirits, and have a great time. Bring your instruments so we can make music.

My advice... open your heart to them and yourself. Just be kind and minimize your feelings of being better or separate from them. We are all one. Let them see your happiness, your kindness and calm, not your furtive, stress ridden, judgemental / guilty glances. Enjoy the rewards of your good judgement, be happy for them. You deserve to enjoy the fruits of deferred consumption, hard work, disciplined LBYM. Don't show the pictures or tell the stories from your last overseas trip! LOL.
odd post IMO...why are you being judgmental
I am odd. I'm working on it.
I'm pretty sure it is because I was born this way (ie. human, conceptual, large pre-frontal cortex, original sin, etc.)
hmmmm... I feel like I was just judged myself!
why are you so judgmental. where you born that way?
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DaftInvestor
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by DaftInvestor » Thu Oct 11, 2018 2:01 pm

Go talk to a councilor versus posting here. They can talk you through your feelings. It's usually covered by health insurance too.

I don't feel guilty at all - I have worked my butt off to get to where I am.
I also have kids (I am guessing you don't) and most of what I have striven for has been to provide for them and put them through college so they don't start life in the debts I started life in.

RudyS
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by RudyS » Thu Oct 11, 2018 2:38 pm

KlangFool wrote:
Thu Oct 11, 2018 8:23 am
OP,

Thanks for the reminder. Time for me to donate to the local food bank.

KlangFool
+1

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TomatoTomahto
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by TomatoTomahto » Thu Oct 11, 2018 3:33 pm

MRMN wrote:
Thu Oct 11, 2018 9:40 am
Don’t feel guilty. Read some Ayn Rand, be proud, don’t compare yourself to others....goes for those above AND below your finances.

You earned it through hard work, perhaps ingenuity, or just simple elbow grease. Either way, your successes are no ones but your own. Same goes for failures. Same goes for others successes or failures....don’t make them yours.
Maybe it leads to a different outcome when an adult reads Ayn Rand, but reading her made me into an insufferable twit during my sophomore year of high school. In fairness, it probably wasn't entirely the fault of her books, but sheesh. Be careful. . .

One of the best bits of advice given above was to talk to people about what's going on in their lives. When that doesn't work, talk about what's exciting in your life without direct reference to how much it costs. I'll give you an example from my life. First, disclosure: my wife and I have been extremely lucky in life, probably more than we deserve. If someone asks me what I'm up to, I start talking about my quest to turn the house we just bought into a zero carbon footprint house: insulation (even though what I know about insulation can fit into a thimble, it's exciting to me), heat pump water heaters, and best of all, a geothermal installation to heat and cool the house. There are two major reactions to this: one gets a contact buzz from my enthusiasm and we discuss the pros/cons of ground based vs. air based heat pumps; the other counts my money and focuses on how much it must cost. You don't get to pick family (which has some of each reaction), but if it's a friend and they can't get past that we can write a check for the upgrades to the house, meh.
Zero Net Carbon by 2019.

WhiteMaxima
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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by WhiteMaxima » Thu Oct 11, 2018 3:41 pm

You live your own life. You don't owe to other people. Why feel guilty?

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Re: Feeling Guilt among family/peers

Post by LadyGeek » Thu Oct 11, 2018 4:17 pm

This thread has run its course and is locked (relationship issue - off-topic). See: Acceptable Topics and Subforum Guidelines
This is an investing and personal finance forum. We also maintain a subforum that allow our members to discuss consumer goods and services and recreational activities. Anything else is considered "Off Topic" and is not acceptable on this forum.
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