Toughest Purchase of my Life. Engagement Ring time

[ThatGuy]

How can I get over this?

Any advice? Will this purchase seem like peanuts as time passes?

I learned a few years back that I will agonize endlessly about a purchase before making it. Lots and lots of analysis, and temporizing over whether I should even make the purchase. The larger the dollar amount, the worse this trait is.

However, once I spend the money, it's spent and I just don't care about the money that is no longer in my account. This has made me (slightly) freer with my spending. You might want to look over past purchases and see if you can identify a similar trait. I can't use the car example here, but maybe insert expensive sports equipment of some sort (backpack, kayak, bike, etc.) and see if you care about the dollars today, or if you cared a month after the purchase.

PS: I still think the diamonds were a colossal waste of money. Even though I place no value on them, ThatGal is still pleased with the gift. In the end it has not detracted from my net worth.

[Glockenspiel]

Take a look at Whiteflash.com. They provide amazing service, you can pick out a center stone online, and they will design a custom band for you, if you wish, or you can select a band that they sell. They have the stones at their facility and will give you an expert opinion about them.

When looking at stones, prioritize a GIA-graded diamond with excellent or ideal cut. As far as color and clarity go, I went with an H color and it looks amazing due to great cut grade. Look for an "eye-clean" stone, which might allow you to go down to an SI1 grade, as long as the inclusions are not in the middle. Color and clarity don't need to be perfect to get an amazingly beautiful ring, and it will save you a few $$.

My wife's stone is a 1.08 carat, H, SI1 with ideal cut and was around $5,200 back in 2008, bought from Whiteflash. They were excellent to deal with when I was comparing two different stones.

Also, Pricescope.com is a great resource for information.

[mptfan]

For some reason, a diamond just feels like a big scam thanks to the De Beers.

It feels that way because it is. Unfortunately, many women have expectations about the size, color, shape, cost of an engagement or wedding ring that have been created by a very effective De Beers marketing campaign, and it's up to you to decide whether and to what extent you want to accede to those expectations, or find a woman who agrees with you.

[Jack FFR1846]

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

So a short marriage?

https://20somethingfinance.com/wedding- ... e-success/

rings true in our family. Sister in law insisted on a huge, very expensive wedding. Marriage didn't even come close to lasting a year. Wife and I opted for smaller one where we paid a good portion of the cost. We're on year 32.

[epilnk]

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

Dude, NO! It is not every girl's dream. Not by a long shot. That's a media creation; some girls (and guys) buy it, some don't.

You need to know whether it is HER dream. If it is, the expense is worth it. But you are buying something whose value is purely symbolic, there's no concrete value in it. That symbolic value can be worth a lot, so it really doesn't matter whether diamonds are a scam (spoiler alert, they are).

I personally would have been pissed if my future husband had blown a significant portion of our future house downpayment on a piece of jewelry for the nightstand drawer. But you're not marrying me. My husband knew me well, which is probably why we've been married over 20 years. It would be good for you to know your future wife equally well.

[white_water]

"Make sure it's as big as her mother's."

This.

[ThatGuy]

By the way, De Beers to start selling man made diamonds.

Jewelry from the brand will go on sale in September. De Beers said prices will start at $200 for a quarter carat, and increase to $800 for a full carat stone.

[TxAg]

34 years old. income: 70k, currently have 35k cash in Emergency fund. 90K in retirement accounts. Extremely frugal (drive 91 civic) and all bills minimized. Girlfriend contributes 50% to all shared expenses (mortgage, utilities, shared house expenses, etc...). No debt other than mortgage 217K in hot Denver area. Career Outlook is very good.

In this scenario $5k sounds like a reasonable number if you're gona spring for the real thing

[MnyGrl]

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

Dude, NO! It is not every girl's dream. Not by a long shot. That's a media creation; some girls (and guys) buy it, some don't.

You need to know whether it is HER dream. If it is, the expense is worth it. But you are buying something whose value is purely symbolic, there's no concrete value in it. That symbolic value can be worth a lot, so it really doesn't matter whether diamonds are a scam (spoiler alert, they are).

I personally would have been pissed if my future husband had blown a significant portion of our future house downpayment on a piece of jewelry for the nightstand drawer. But you're not marrying me. My husband knew me well, which is probably why we've been married over 20 years. It would be good for you to know your future wife equally well.

+1. Also be aware that the perception of diamonds has changed a lot in the past 20-30 years due to all the human rights abuses. Several of my friends chose other stones for that reason. Or took an amazing trip instead.

I'm not a jewelry person at all and if someone gave me an expensive ring when proposing, I would probably think they didn't know me very well. Take me hiking in Iceland instead!!

[N1CKV]

About 4 years ago I was dead set on getting a 1 ct. center, with a 1/2 ct. on either side after looking online for quite some time... then I looked at them in person and decided that was entirely too big. My wife has 1 caret TOTAL weight in her ring. I forget the exacts, but the center is a little larger with slightly smaller stones on either side.

It wasn't about the cost (although I was in a similar financial position to you).
It was more about reasonableness. She is an active woman that deer hunts, works out, etc. and wears the ring all of the time. A large rock would have been more of a hazard/ concern. In the end we both decided that what she has is plenty enough to be functional and proud of forever.

In the end I believe it cost somewhere around $3.5K, the local jeweler came off of the list price quite a bit after several price drops during negotiations.

[JBTX]

It isn't about what you want but what she wants. $7k for your income isn't totally unreasonable.

If you can do Vegas wedding I'd recommend it.

[MortgageOnBlack]

For the record, I did intend on 5k being a reasonable amount on my situation. I'm ok with parting with that much money for this occasion. It's just that for $2800 more dollars, I can get exactly what I want (cut, carat, color, and clarity)... The only C is Cost. I'm starting to feel that the actual money I'm fretting over is $2800 since my original budget was 5K.

Perhaps I'm getting emotional about this purchase, but I feel if I don't get the diamond I have reserve, I may regret it in time.

[Elsebet]

I cannot give good advice here, our wedding rings were under $200 for both. I did not want an engagement ring.

[c1over8]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

Yes, but is your prospective fiance one of those other people? If not, why consider a ring at all?

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

They are not every girl’s dream. I had no desire for a big, expensive wedding, because it is just one day. But I did want a nice ring because I knew I’d be looking at it every day.

Why not ask her if you can only say “probably?” You should be communicating on these expenditures.

+1 want a nice ring because it is worn everyday, don't care about a big wedding, and don't want to upgrade down the line.

You know your girlfriend well enough to know to decide if she rather have the surprise proposal with the ring or rather have input on the ring. I think the ring and the price are reasonable.

When she becomes your wife, your tax deductible will doubled when you file jointly. That tax deduction will result in a lower tax bill and thus will offset some (or all) of the ring cost depending on your tax bracket. Feel better now?

Nice perspective.

I don't believe op provided the future wife's income so they may be paying a penalty. https://taxfoundation.org/tax-cuts-and- ... age-bonus/

[TallBoy29er]

You're overthinking this. Pull the trigger, cochise.

[Liberty1100]

Congrats on deciding to get engaged! Big moment.

I recommend not buying an engagement ring from an online retailer such as Blue Nile. You aren't buying just a knicknack but something that is to mean something.

I recently bought a similar engagement ring from a local jeweler, but with a cathedral setting. It was a custom setting that was designed and manufactured by the jeweler. I enjoyed the experience talking to the him, discussing the materials (go PT), settings, and diamonds to find the right combination to fit my budget (similar to yours). My SO finds it extra special that no one has a ring like hers due to the custom nature of it. It means more to her that I spent the time and energy to go to a store than if I had made the purchase when slouching on the couch with my pjs and surfing the web. A good round cut diamonds shimmers amazingly in person.

I suggest you take the time to step in several jewelry stores and find one that you like and trust. Work with them to find a unique engagement ring for your unique SO. It'll mean more to her and to you.

[Katietsu]

For the record, I did intend on 5k being a reasonable amount on my situation. I'm ok with parting with that much money for this occasion. It's just that for $2800 more dollars, I can get exactly what I want (cut, carat, color, and clarity)... The only C is Cost. I'm starting to feel that the actual money I'm fretting over is $2800 since my original budget was 5K.

Perhaps I'm getting emotional about this purchase, but I feel if I don't get the diamond I have reserve, I may regret it in time.

If you feel like you have picked out the right ring, then go for it. You can get yourself over the hump by realizing that the $2800 is only 15 cents a day over a 50 year marriage. I think many of us are wondering if the soon to be fiancé would choose the $7800 ring? Does she have a sister, girlfriend or mother who might have insight into her preferences? I did not want a ring that big as it would not have fit my lifestyle at the time. My sister in law still loves her 1.5 carats. To each her own.

[ResearchMed]

For the record, I did intend on 5k being a reasonable amount on my situation. I'm ok with parting with that much money for this occasion. It's just that for $2800 more dollars, I can get exactly what I want (cut, carat, color, and clarity)... The only C is Cost. I'm starting to feel that the actual money I'm fretting over is $2800 since my original budget was 5K.

Perhaps I'm getting emotional about this purchase, but I feel if I don't get the diamond I have reserve, I may regret it in time.

Okay, you've got a "dream ring" (or particular stone)?

Unless you are already *sure*, you should really try to make sure that your girlfriend has the same idea or dream (especially if it is a "dream").
If you aren't sure, then shop *with* her, but tell the jeweler in advance what the budget is, unless the two of you are considering budget together. If so, then *still* tell the jeweler what the budget is!
There is no point is having either of you see something that you really, really like, only to find out it busts the budget.
(IF that happens, go to a different jeweler!)

Get what you both like, something that will make both of you happy.
This is not a game changing amount, and it is - with all good fortune - not something that you'll do again.
And if it's something that she'll wear every day, and means a lot to her... what was the question again?

It may be a DeBeers "creation", but for many girls-then-women, this IS something special.
It seems to be special to you, too.
Enjoy and celebrate this stage in your life together.

For the naysayers: This is THEIR life together, not yours.
Knock off the "we didn't need to do X, so nobody should..."
He's not going to wreck their financial futures with this one especially meaningful purchase.

Note: I have a custom ring, and thoroughly enjoy looking at it every day (especially right after I've cleaned it).
But some women just prefer a traditional solitaire.
It depends upon her... and you... as will all of the rest of your lives together.

Best wishes to both of you for all happiness together!

RM

[getthatmarshmallow]

When my better half proposed, 12 years ago now, it wasn't a surprise except the timing, but at one point he asked "you'd kill me if I spent two months' salary, right?" And I said, yes, I would, and while I have a diamond, it's less than a carat but nearly flawless. I've worn it nearly every day since.

I think you should know what your girlfriend thinks about weddings if you're about to propose. Not every girl wants a giant diamond (in my circle, at that time, everyone was worried about blood diamonds and conscientious types were getting sapphires) or a fairy tale.

Some tips: carat doesn't mean size, but weight. If you're after a certain look rather than a certain certification (hint: no one sees the certification), try dropping down to .75-.9 carat and worry more about the cut. I just played around at BlueNile and found a lot in that range (I, VG, VVS1, etc.) that meets your budget.

[3504PIR]

Back in the day when I became engaged, I shopped for the diamond rather than the ring. I was able to find a great stone, very high quality and color at a very good price. I gave her the diamond in its clear container in a ring box when I asked the question. The next day she picked out a setting and had the stone mounted. I recall the setting alone was not very much and buying them separately saved A LOT of money - although that wasn't my intent - rather my intent was to find the right stone and let her pick the setting. Might be worth trying if you have a diamond dealer in your area and in the end, you get exactly what both of you want.

[Jags4186]

https://youtu.be/2Kith9mwRqQ

[gogleheads.orb]

Unless your girlfriend is a boglehead she isn't going to tell you that you've spent too much on the ring. Just buy it and move on. You'll never think about how much you spent again. I

[Meg77]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

Yes, but is your prospective fiance one of those other people? If not, why consider a ring at all?

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

Talk to her!! This comment indicates that you aren't sure about her preferences. I wanted a larger stone (around 2 carats) to stay in the range of my my age/income and peer group, but made it clear to my husband that a fake diamond was perfectly fine. He wasn't comfortable with that, but I told him I'd rather have it a bit bigger but lower quality. He spent $12500 on a ring with a 1.98 carat cushion cut center stone 5 years ago (he also flew to a nearby state to get it to save on sales tax). You can see an inclusion if you look closely and the ring is dirty, but no one has ever noticed in the 5 years I've worn the diamond. That was just under 10% of his annual income at the time, which is about what you're looking at. But my point is, it's OK to ask her what she might want. Or, ask her sister or best friend. I did NOT want to shop with my husband or pick out my own stone, but I made sure my closest siblings and friend knew my ring size and basic preferences (stone shape) in case he ever asked them.

And PS we did elope. Spent the wedding money on a great 10 day wedding/honeymoon in Hawaii (with our parents' blessing) and to add an outdoor kitchen and living area to our new home. No regrets.

[Leemiller]

Personally, I think you should drop your budget given your income and savings. But I think spending a few thousand is reasonable and appropriate.

[BeneIRA]

Get the ring. Check James Allen, which is better than Blue Nile. Search. The Truth About Diamonds who will show you what you don’t need to spend any money on and what you should focus on.

[Charon]

For some reason, a diamond just feels like a big scam thanks to the De Beers.

It is... both the necessity of having a diamond and the price of diamonds are indeed artificial constructs of De Beers. Also, gold mining is terribly environmentally destructive.

Okay, now that I've gotten being a downer out of the way... Consider alternate gems and ring designs. But if you're really unsure of what she'll want, I like the idea mentioned to surprise with the proposal but then get her input on the ring. For what it's worth, I wouldn't spend that much on a ring with your salary, and if she wants you to, I don't think you two are financially compatible.

[Charon]

(he also flew to a nearby state to get it to save on sales tax).

True love is committing tax fraud

[vineviz]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

Yes, but is your prospective fiance one of those other people? If not, why consider a ring at all?

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

Unsolicited advice: if you don't know for sure what kind of wedding she wants, you definitely don't need to decide on the ring quite yet

[MortgageOnBlack]

For reference (if it matters). The diamond is ~$6700 and the setting I'm looking at is $1090.

Also, I'll admit I'm on the extreme end when it comes to purchasing tangible items. I seem to have no problem with travel, food, and entertainment.

Not for comparing, but a friend of mine spent about ~$5000 (atleast that's what I'm told) on his ring. My brother, who is recently divorced, thinks anything over a $1000 is stupid.

[HornedToad]

My understanding is you should spend two months salary on an engagement ring. That would be $11,666 on a $70k salary.

Coincidentally pretty close to your first years $12k deduction.

Your "understanding" is based on a diamond industry marketing push. IMO, two months salary on a rock is insane. That being said, I was still a student when I got married, so by that metric I suppose I could have gone with a cracker jack box ring

Yeah, at worst that should be 2 months take home, not gross

[Charon]

Any particular reason you're not considering lab diamonds? They're real diamonds, no different from the natural ones, except a lot cheaper and guaranteed conflict free. E.g., https://www.brilliantearth.com/lab-diamonds-search/ (I'm sure Brilliant Earth - which specializes in beyond conflict free diamonds and recycled precious metals - is not the cheapest option out there. They're just the one I know.)

[Dantes]

I'm the opposite of frugal, but, speaking as someone married for almost 50 years, the whole wedding and engagement process has about as much meaning as a St Patrick's Day Hallmark card. Its marketing, convincing you to spend money on something that is totally without value. So I don't see the purpose of a major expense as a surprise-down-on-one-knee-will-you-marry-me. Thats total corn. If she would actually like a diamond ring go and pick one out together.

[MortgageOnBlack]

Any particular reason you're not considering lab diamonds? They're real diamonds, no different from the natural ones, except a lot cheaper and guaranteed conflict free. E.g., https://www.brilliantearth.com/lab-diamonds-search/ (I'm sure Brilliant Earth - which specializes in beyond conflict free diamonds and recycled precious metals - is not the cheapest option out there. They're just the one I know.)

I've considered them. Hear the resale value is horrible compared to natural diamonds, but this might be a good compromise for me. I'm just not sure how my girl would feel about lab vs natural.

[OnTrack2020]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

Yes, but is your prospective fiance one of those other people? If not, why consider a ring at all?

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

MortgageOnBlack.

Come on. You are about to get married. This is one of those things that you need to get an understanding on. Ask her. You are sharing finances.

IMHO, it is not reasonable to spend this kind of money on an engagement ring with your current financial situation.

<<Every girl's dream.>>

You are not marrying every girl. It is one particular person. For example, my wife prefers cold hard cash than any engagement ring.

KlangFool

[Darth Xanadu]

Any particular reason you're not considering lab diamonds? They're real diamonds, no different from the natural ones, except a lot cheaper and guaranteed conflict free. E.g., https://www.brilliantearth.com/lab-diamonds-search/ (I'm sure Brilliant Earth - which specializes in beyond conflict free diamonds and recycled precious metals - is not the cheapest option out there. They're just the one I know.)

I've considered them. Hear the resale value is horrible compared to natural diamonds, but this might be a good compromise for me. I'm just not sure how my girl would feel about lab vs natural.

Honestly, I wouldn't make resale value a factor in any of my decision-making on this particular purchase.

[Cheryl604]

I just wanted to add my voice as a girl who didn't want an engagement ring or big wedding. We bought our wedding rings off the Internet. I couldn't be happier about it.

That being said, I hope you get the ring you have agonized over because I think it's probably what you both want. Congrats!

[mouses]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

Yes, but is your prospective fiance one of those other people? If not, why consider a ring at all?

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

Not every girl. I'd prefer no engagement ring and a small wedding with a potluck reception.

[HornedToad]

Any particular reason you're not considering lab diamonds? They're real diamonds, no different from the natural ones, except a lot cheaper and guaranteed conflict free. E.g., https://www.brilliantearth.com/lab-diamonds-search/ (I'm sure Brilliant Earth - which specializes in beyond conflict free diamonds and recycled precious metals - is not the cheapest option out there. They're just the one I know.)

I've considered them. Hear the resale value is horrible compared to natural diamonds, but this might be a good compromise for me. I'm just not sure how my girl would feel about lab vs natural.

Please tell me you aren't considering resale value on a wedding ring????

I've bought necklaces and earrings as lab created and those are great. The original wedding ring is real, but it wasn't due to concerns on resale value

[bligh]

Any particular reason you're not considering lab diamonds? They're real diamonds, no different from the natural ones, except a lot cheaper and guaranteed conflict free. E.g., https://www.brilliantearth.com/lab-diamonds-search/ (I'm sure Brilliant Earth - which specializes in beyond conflict free diamonds and recycled precious metals - is not the cheapest option out there. They're just the one I know.)

I've considered them. Hear the resale value is horrible compared to natural diamonds, but this might be a good compromise for me. I'm just not sure how my girl would feel about lab vs natural.

Well if you ever find yourself mad about the resale value on that wedding ring.... you've probably got much bigger problems.

[Charon]

Resale value is horrible on diamonds period, because they're genuinely not worth that much. Also, no, you shouldn't be considering that at this point

[Jablean]

Two Words: Cubic Zirconia

And one more: Elope

I'd be more than happy to get married in Vegas and plan an after-wedding party in a Hall or our House. I really feel like the Engagement ring and a Wedding are for other people.

Yes, but is your prospective fiance one of those other people? If not, why consider a ring at all?

I doubt it... She probably wants the fairytale wedding and ring... Every girl's dream.

Good lord, you don't know? And an anti-feminist attitude to boot. I guess you can tell where I stand on your readiness to pop the question. Besides these comments I think wedding rings are a waste, mine put a hole in everything. Glad we only spent $500 on it (I picked it out) and I chose to elope too. Much happier with the BlackHills gold ring my DH bought a few years later.

[likegarden]

I paid less about 50 years ago- monthly salary was 800, I paid 500. My wife was happy and watches the ring carefully, we are still happily married.

[johan_s]

I found out what her favorite stones were (not diamonds); had the engagement ring custom made with her favorite stone (and wedding band). She much preferred the custom band work and the thoughtfulness of the stone selection over the ‘classic’ I spent a bunch of money on a diamond because everyone else does route. She still occasionally looks down and says, years later, you gave me the perfect ring. Know thy future wife.

[blaugranamd]

Take her to a jewelry store for a date and see what she likes. So glad my wife liked the $1000 ring.

[epilnk]

Interesting. Scrolling through these comments I notice a pattern among posts where I can either assign a gender from the content or guess it from the name. For the most part the people saying "just buy the ring you won't regret it" are men. The women are mostly either saying "talk to her" or "oh hell no".

And yet you guys all claim to be doing this to satisfy our expectations. There's an old saying - A diamond engagement ring is jewelry that a man wears on his wife's finger.

[z91]

It makes her happy. Do it. I did with pretty much the same income as you and same diamond size, and never regretted it. This money will (hopefully) be chump change in 10 years. Yes, you can push it in retirement, but money is meant to be spent. Spend it if it makes your future spouse happy. We all know deep down it's mostly marketing keeping these prices high, but some things are worth spending on. This is one IMO.

[z91]

Interesting. Scrolling through these comments I notice a pattern among posts where I can either assign a gender from the content or guess it from the name. For the most part the people saying "just buy the ring you won't regret it" are men. The women are mostly either saying "talk to her" or "oh hell no".

And yet you guys all claim to be doing this to satisfy our expectations. There's an old saying - A diamond engagement ring is jewelry that a man wears on his wife's finger.

This is BH..of course all the women are cognizant of retirement funds and how much power an early investment of this amount can bring. Ask on a diamond forum and you will get the complete opposite responses.

[Charon]

I'm just not sure how my girl would feel about lab vs natural.

Hopefully fine, once she knows that even expert gemologists can't tell the difference: https://www.cnbc.com/2018/06/04/ada-dia ... -tell.html

Specialized equipment can tell the difference because the lab diamonds are too perfect. There's a reason De Beers' Lightbox lab diamonds include a logo - not even experts, with standard equipment, could tell them from natural diamonds otherwise.

[epilnk]

This is BH..of course all the women are cognizant of retirement funds and how much power an early investment of this amount can bring.

And the men are not?

[Marylander1]

Also, Pricescope.com is a great resource for information.

Seconded! There's a lot of useful material at pricescope.com, and some basic, important truths. For instance, diamonds are priced by weight but perceived by diameter. For a given cut quality (like "ideal"), a shallow diamond looks bigger than a deep diamond of the same weight—and has the same quality of visual appearance.

-Marylander1