how to make friends in new location?

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jayk238
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by jayk238 » Mon Jun 18, 2018 9:12 pm

celia wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 8:20 pm
jayk238 wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 7:01 pm
celia wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 2:36 am
jayk, Why do you feel you have to find friends for your wife? ...
This is a very rude post. Passive aggressive, condescending, where to begin? I'm not going to dignify it with a proper response.
I'm sorry but the original post came across to me as if you needed to make all the decisions for your wife, who is an adult. I was wondering if there was a disability or she came from another country, as was the case when another poster once asked a similar question. You don't need to share that, but, if such was the case, we would modify our answers.
You can't hide behind that. My post was very obviously about someone perfectly capable of interacting with the world. Why can she play bocce if she can't go outside? Why can't she water the plants if she's going swimming. Please. No more attempts to justify this.

RudyS
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by RudyS » Mon Jun 18, 2018 9:13 pm

It is time to remind everyone that a conversation via computer is not the same as face to face. There are lots of chances for misunderstanding comments, and motives. There are at least 3 examples in the previous messages in this thread. There is a (sort of) relevant quote: "I am not sure that what you think you heard, is the same as what I intended to say."

Good luck to OP on the move. Think positive.

heyyou
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by heyyou » Mon Jun 18, 2018 11:22 pm

In retirement, volunteering was an good filter to meet like minded people who are less self-centered than average. I would avoid some supposedly service organizations that are more for business people to meet other potential customers.

4nwestsaylng
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by 4nwestsaylng » Mon Jun 18, 2018 11:30 pm

Your wife or you or both could join Toastmasters. Visit www.toastmasters.org to learn about it and find a club in your area. It is a mutually supportive organization, helps build confidence in speaking but is much more than that. I was a member in several cities. You can visit meetings as a guest and just observe a few times, the clubs are very welcoming.

Also agree with volunteering. Train to become a docent at a garden or historical site or museum. Your wife could be a volunteer usher at a performing arts center and get to see some major productions for free!

JBTX
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by JBTX » Tue Jun 19, 2018 12:18 pm

2015 wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 10:41 am
mouses wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 7:37 am
VictoriaF wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 12:04 am
mouses wrote:
Sun Jun 17, 2018 11:45 pm
2015 wrote:
Sun Jun 17, 2018 8:40 pm
I am pretty sure this is the totally wrong attitude.
You could be right about the last paragraph referring to VictoriaF. But the rest of 2015's message can't be totally wrong.

He is right that people become more lonely, in all age groups. People can feel lonely when they are surrounded by other people. People need meaningful relationships and superficial socialization may create more, not less, loneliness.

Ultimately, the OP question is about making friends, and we all have our own concepts of friendships and how they develop. 2015 described his concept.

Victoria
I mean the arrogance. I was trying to be polite, so it didn't seem like a personal attack.
Thanks for all the excellent feedback, as I see I totally screwed up the point I was trying to make. Maybe if I take a different tack:

I have what I believe to be a useful assessment that everyone has more talents and abilities than they could ever use in this lifetime, therefore, everyone has something they are uniquely interested in that makes them interesting and desirable to be with and around. Thus, when we're interested in something outside ourselves we naturally attract and are attracted to people and having deeper relationships with others becomes naturally possible. OTOH, not everyone is going to find us in particular interesting, so we can't take that personally.

Up thread someone made the statement that "making friends in a new location is hard." This is an assessment, and not a particularly useful one, is it? Maybe a more useful assessment is to assume you're going to find someone regardless of location that has the same interests as you that you can contribute to and who can contribute to you in return. Otherwise, you're just using people, and people don't want to be used, they want to be around someone who is reciprocal (Rule of Reciprocity in relationships). This is why LinkedIn style networking is so awful, because people who are highly effective in their lives don't want their "brain picked." They want to be around someone who brings themselves to the table, not someone just looking for something. I have a sibling who has made friends all over the world, personally and professionally, not because she is looking to make friends, but because her intense interest is other people. When we are focusing solely on "making friends", we're really only focusing on ourselves (whether we admit it or not).

As an example of using your interests to meet others, on my last Amtrak train trip I met an exceptional young man who I bumped into in the observation car and who I ended up informally coaching for about 3 hours. He was absolutely fascinating. And he was only 20 years old. My hope is that he does not allow the many gifts he has to die in the process of aging and instead takes them out into the world. I didn't know it at the time, but who he was absolutely inspired me, and continues to do so. He wasn't "picking my brain", he was bringing himself to the conversation and in the process naturally became interesting, someone anyone would want to be around. Do you see how this works?

Another example: I consider myself extraordinarily lucky to have found the BH forum because I consider people here to be the smartest in the room (at least smarter than me), in many ways. Talk about inspiring! I love that people sometimes post views diametrically opposed to my own, because they challenge my own overconfidence.

3 people I would pay to have lunch with here are Mr. Larimore, VictoriaF, and LadyGeek. Mr. Larimore because I am intensely interested in the role model he and his generation represent, VictoriaF, because in 10 lifetimes I could never be as funny and seemingly fun as she is, and LadyGeek because someone with her capabilities and interests would blow me away. It's not about making friends, it's about bringing my own unique interests that align with who others are to the table.

I hope this is helpful or at least not as seemingly arrogant. :happy
There is a lot of good insight in this post. Social media is dangerous in that what one intends often doesn't come through. Your original post likely one of them. From various posts you strike me as a very well read and interesting person(far more than I) but at the same time very inwardly focused. I kind of get that, but not everybody does.

JBTX
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by JBTX » Tue Jun 19, 2018 12:24 pm

As to OP not sure exactly what level of swimming you are talking about but if she was a former competitive swimmer there are Masters Swimming programs in most urban areas. If she is swimming in 90 degree pools I'm guessing that is not what she is looking for (too uncomfortably warm for any level of exertion)

If there is something you like to do together join a club that does that. For me, I'm not the most gregarious person in the world and most of the friends I have started through some club, sport or employer.

2015
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by 2015 » Tue Jun 19, 2018 12:47 pm

JBTX wrote:
Tue Jun 19, 2018 12:18 pm
2015 wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 10:41 am
mouses wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 7:37 am
VictoriaF wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 12:04 am
mouses wrote:
Sun Jun 17, 2018 11:45 pm

Thanks for all the excellent feedback, as I see I totally screwed up the point I was trying to make. Maybe if I take a different tack:

I have what I believe to be a useful assessment that everyone has more talents and abilities than they could ever use in this lifetime, therefore, everyone has something they are uniquely interested in that makes them interesting and desirable to be with and around. Thus, when we're interested in something outside ourselves we naturally attract and are attracted to people and having deeper relationships with others becomes naturally possible. OTOH, not everyone is going to find us in particular interesting, so we can't take that personally.

Up thread someone made the statement that "making friends in a new location is hard." This is an assessment, and not a particularly useful one, is it? Maybe a more useful assessment is to assume you're going to find someone regardless of location that has the same interests as you that you can contribute to and who can contribute to you in return. Otherwise, you're just using people, and people don't want to be used, they want to be around someone who is reciprocal (Rule of Reciprocity in relationships). This is why LinkedIn style networking is so awful, because people who are highly effective in their lives don't want their "brain picked." They want to be around someone who brings themselves to the table, not someone just looking for something. I have a sibling who has made friends all over the world, personally and professionally, not because she is looking to make friends, but because her intense interest is other people. When we are focusing solely on "making friends", we're really only focusing on ourselves (whether we admit it or not).

As an example of using your interests to meet others, on my last Amtrak train trip I met an exceptional young man who I bumped into in the observation car and who I ended up informally coaching for about 3 hours. He was absolutely fascinating. And he was only 20 years old. My hope is that he does not allow the many gifts he has to die in the process of aging and instead takes them out into the world. I didn't know it at the time, but who he was absolutely inspired me, and continues to do so. He wasn't "picking my brain", he was bringing himself to the conversation and in the process naturally became interesting, someone anyone would want to be around. Do you see how this works?

Another example: I consider myself extraordinarily lucky to have found the BH forum because I consider people here to be the smartest in the room (at least smarter than me), in many ways. Talk about inspiring! I love that people sometimes post views diametrically opposed to my own, because they challenge my own overconfidence.

3 people I would pay to have lunch with here are Mr. Larimore, VictoriaF, and LadyGeek. Mr. Larimore because I am intensely interested in the role model he and his generation represent, VictoriaF, because in 10 lifetimes I could never be as funny and seemingly fun as she is, and LadyGeek because someone with her capabilities and interests would blow me away. It's not about making friends, it's about bringing my own unique interests that align with who others are to the table.

I hope this is helpful or at least not as seemingly arrogant. :happy
There is a lot of good insight in this post. Social media is dangerous in that what one intends often doesn't come through. Your original post likely one of them. From various posts you strike me as a very well read and interesting person(far more than I) but at the same time very inwardly focused. I kind of get that, but not everybody does.
Or sometimes some of us just get it all backwards in trying to communicate what we want to come through!

Thank you for the compliment but as I stated above I think we're all interesting in our own way, based on what our own interests are. This is why I made the point of mentioning Taylor, Victoria, and LadyGeek, because their backgrounds and interests appear to align with areas of excellence I would aspire to (honorable mention to Triceratop, seemingly wickedly bright for his age).

It's also not true that I'm especially inwardly focused, as there are times when I'm extremely outwardly focused, as in when I encounter individuals who inspire me. This is why I described the 20 year old stranger I met on a train ride and subsequently spent 3 hours with, because if we begin on the inside, with who we are, we can then interact most effectively and naturally with the outside. Just looking to make friends, like when we're just looking for someone to date, does not lead to the most auspicious outcomes. We've all got something to offer. We just need to find what it is and take it out there (actionably, we spend less money in the process as well, because no amount of money can buy the fulfillment of effective relationships).

xkunalx
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by xkunalx » Tue Jun 19, 2018 1:26 pm

In addition to Toastmasters, also consider meetup.com. It was a great help during my moves for both residency and fellowship.

tesuzuki2002
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by tesuzuki2002 » Tue Jun 19, 2018 5:40 pm

jayk238 wrote:
Sun Jun 17, 2018 7:09 pm
Moving to a new city 6 hours away. Worried about making friends for wife. I am half man half monk. Can do without others because I have wife but she is not like this. She loves things like bocce, and indoor heated pool swimming. she found those two activities here. They tend to be an older crowd which she seems fine with - 40- 65 years with a skew older in that range for the two activities she did. She had a lot of fun it seems with them. She also invited a local Jehovas witness who came every Tuesday. Dont ask me why because she is never going to change her Catholicism. I think she secretly likes the company. No kids. We plan to have but who knows?

Can I ask where approx. the new city is?? Maybe your wife's new friends are right here!! It's along shot...

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tennisplyr
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by tennisplyr » Wed Jun 20, 2018 4:23 pm

Many cities have "meetup" groups via online to get together with people with common interests. Check out their website:

https://www.meetup.com/
Those who move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out.

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GoldStar
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by GoldStar » Wed Jun 20, 2018 9:26 pm

Being relatively new here I have 2 observations about this thread: First - this is an interesting Personal Consumer Issue question. Second - interesting to me how people apparently skim the questions without reading it- OP mentions meetup as hit or miss so obviously knows about it yet 2 responders respond with this being something he needs to check out. I have seen this in other threads as well.
OP:
If you are moving to a town with a town volunteer political system one way to meet people is to volunteer for a committee or assignment. A great way to get to meet the "townees" in some places.

wrongfunds
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by wrongfunds » Thu Jun 21, 2018 9:05 am

I know we are not allowed to use this forum for dating advice but astute reader should be able to see that all the advice given on this topic is fully applicable in case you have had those ulterior motives :-)

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VictoriaF
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by VictoriaF » Thu Jun 21, 2018 4:53 pm

GoldStar wrote:
Wed Jun 20, 2018 9:26 pm
Being relatively new here I have 2 observations about this thread: First - this is an interesting Personal Consumer Issue question. Second - interesting to me how people apparently skim the questions without reading it- OP mentions meetup as hit or miss so obviously knows about it yet 2 responders respond with this being something he needs to check out. I have seen this in other threads as well.
OP:
If you are moving to a town with a town volunteer political system one way to meet people is to volunteer for a committee or assignment. A great way to get to meet the "townees" in some places.
You are right that sometimes, we don't read, or don't analyze, the opening post and respond to the thread title alone. Sometimes, we click on a thread and go straight to the end where we respond to one-two latest posts. Sometimes, we follow a poster and click on his or her latest messages.

These shortcuts allow us to cover more threads among the thousands available. Sometimes, we have a specific advice to the OP but don't have the time to check if this advice fits or if anyone has already addressed it. We let the OP to sort it out. This is probably the case with recommending meetups.

Victoria
WINNER of the 2015 Boglehead Contest. | Every joke has a bit of a joke. ... The rest is the truth. (Marat F)

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VictoriaF
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by VictoriaF » Thu Jun 21, 2018 4:55 pm

wrongfunds wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 9:05 am
I know we are not allowed to use this forum for dating advice but astute reader should be able to see that all the advice given on this topic is fully applicable in case you have had those ulterior motives :-)
If the OP had encouraged his wife to date in the new location that would be utterly ulterior.

Victoria
WINNER of the 2015 Boglehead Contest. | Every joke has a bit of a joke. ... The rest is the truth. (Marat F)

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GoldStar
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by GoldStar » Thu Jun 21, 2018 6:30 pm

VictoriaF wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 4:53 pm
GoldStar wrote:
Wed Jun 20, 2018 9:26 pm
Being relatively new here I have 2 observations about this thread: First - this is an interesting Personal Consumer Issue question. Second - interesting to me how people apparently skim the questions without reading it- OP mentions meetup as hit or miss so obviously knows about it yet 2 responders respond with this being something he needs to check out. I have seen this in other threads as well.
OP:
If you are moving to a town with a town volunteer political system one way to meet people is to volunteer for a committee or assignment. A great way to get to meet the "townees" in some places.
You are right that sometimes, we don't read, or don't analyze, the opening post and respond to the thread title alone. Sometimes, we click on a thread and go straight to the end where we respond to one-two latest posts. Sometimes, we follow a poster and click on his or her latest messages.

These shortcuts allow us to cover more threads among the thousands available. Sometimes, we have a specific advice to the OP but don't have the time to check if this advice fits or if anyone has already addressed it. We let the OP to sort it out. This is probably the case with recommending meetups.

Victoria
Thanks for the thoughts. I, personally, wouldn't want to answer a question without fully reading it but I supposed if the "OP" gets more feedback that way - some of which he needs to simply dismiss - it might be beneficial. There also seems to be an assumption here on Bogleheads that EVERYONE has a Costco within the walking distance of their house :) Reading through some of the threads it seems if the question is "Where do you buy X?" the answer always seems to be predominantly Costco. I feel I need to move to within driving distance of a Costco to stay a member here.....

Jill07
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by Jill07 » Thu Jun 21, 2018 6:37 pm

If there are any tennis clubs in the area, tennis is a great way to meet people. (You can learn at any age.) Pickleball is becoming very popular too. Check the local bicycle shops for group rides. The local high school and/or community college may have some fun classes. Our local high school has tennis lessons, cooking, line dancing, etc. That's a fun way to meet people.

Are there any YMCAs in the area? If the local high school has a swimming pool, it may be open to the public during certain hours.

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VictoriaF
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by VictoriaF » Thu Jun 21, 2018 6:39 pm

GoldStar wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 6:30 pm
VictoriaF wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 4:53 pm
GoldStar wrote:
Wed Jun 20, 2018 9:26 pm
Being relatively new here I have 2 observations about this thread: First - this is an interesting Personal Consumer Issue question. Second - interesting to me how people apparently skim the questions without reading it- OP mentions meetup as hit or miss so obviously knows about it yet 2 responders respond with this being something he needs to check out. I have seen this in other threads as well.
OP:
If you are moving to a town with a town volunteer political system one way to meet people is to volunteer for a committee or assignment. A great way to get to meet the "townees" in some places.
You are right that sometimes, we don't read, or don't analyze, the opening post and respond to the thread title alone. Sometimes, we click on a thread and go straight to the end where we respond to one-two latest posts. Sometimes, we follow a poster and click on his or her latest messages.

These shortcuts allow us to cover more threads among the thousands available. Sometimes, we have a specific advice to the OP but don't have the time to check if this advice fits or if anyone has already addressed it. We let the OP to sort it out. This is probably the case with recommending meetups.

Victoria
Thanks for the thoughts. I, personally, wouldn't want to answer a question without fully reading it but I supposed if the "OP" gets more feedback that way - some of which he needs to simply dismiss - it might be beneficial. There also seems to be an assumption here on Bogleheads that EVERYONE has a Costco within the walking distance of their house :) Reading through some of the threads it seems if the question is "Where do you buy X?" the answer always seems to be predominantly Costco. I feel I need to move to within driving distance of a Costco to stay a member here.....
A common trait of the Bogleheads is contrarianism. As a new member you will prove yourself by making anti-Costco posts.

Victoria
WINNER of the 2015 Boglehead Contest. | Every joke has a bit of a joke. ... The rest is the truth. (Marat F)

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GoldStar
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by GoldStar » Thu Jun 21, 2018 6:49 pm

VictoriaF wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 6:39 pm

A common trait of the Bogleheads is contrarianism. As a new member you will prove yourself by making anti-Costco posts.

Victoria
:) I'll have to find one so that I can criticize one. Weekend road-trip perhaps.
They seem to have the best wine, eye-glasses, medications, meat, ...., all at the best prices.
Must be heaven there :D

dustinst22
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by dustinst22 » Thu Jun 21, 2018 9:50 pm

have you thought about learning Bridge?

Should find people in that age range, and bridge players are extremely interesting/successful/intelligent. It's the best mind sport in the world, and you can find local clubs wherever you go. Also, it's a sport so you can play socially or competitively depending on your skill level -- you can play your entire life and still be terrible, its that deep of a game. Great way to meet people as its a partnership game. If you enjoy solving puzzles or card games, Bridge is by far the best card game in the world. Best of all its something you can play until you die, and its endlessly fascinating with each hand being a completely new puzzle to solve.

MrJones
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by MrJones » Thu Jun 21, 2018 11:16 pm

celia wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 8:20 pm
jayk238 wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 7:01 pm
celia wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 2:36 am
jayk, Why do you feel you have to find friends for your wife? ...
This is a very rude post. Passive aggressive, condescending, where to begin? I'm not going to dignify it with a proper response.
I'm sorry but the original post came across to me as if you needed to make all the decisions for your wife, who is an adult. I was wondering if there was a disability or she came from another country, as was the case when another poster once asked a similar question.
Wow, "is she disabled or a foreigner?" ?? Perhaps you aren't realizing this, but that comes across as even more condescending to the OP and his partner than your previous post!

JoinToday
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by JoinToday » Fri Jun 22, 2018 1:27 am

MrJones wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 11:16 pm
celia wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 8:20 pm
jayk238 wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 7:01 pm
celia wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 2:36 am
jayk, Why do you feel you have to find friends for your wife? ...
This is a very rude post. Passive aggressive, condescending, where to begin? I'm not going to dignify it with a proper response.
I'm sorry but the original post came across to me as if you needed to make all the decisions for your wife, who is an adult. I was wondering if there was a disability or she came from another country, as was the case when another poster once asked a similar question.
Wow, "is she disabled or a foreigner?" ?? Not sure you realize this, but hat is just even more condescending to the OP and his partner than the previous post!
Wow is right. I have not always agreed with Cilia, but never found her posts to be condescending, or in any way insulting. I try to be sensitive to burdens others face, but fail to see the condescension in her response here.

She spends time to write useful, thoughtful responses. If she had a history of being "difficult", I might think otherwise, but she has a history of providing good input. I always read her posts for valuable information.
I wish I had learned about index funds 25 years ago

MrJones
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by MrJones » Fri Jun 22, 2018 4:03 am

JoinToday wrote:
Fri Jun 22, 2018 1:27 am
Wow is right. I have not always agreed with Cilia, but never found her posts to be condescending, or in any way insulting. I try to be sensitive to burdens others face, but fail to see the condescension in her response here.

She spends time to write useful, thoughtful responses. If she had a history of being "difficult", I might think otherwise, but she has a history of providing good input. I always read her posts for valuable information.
Too bad, but you might be missing a lot here!

BobbiInBrooklyn
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by BobbiInBrooklyn » Fri Jun 22, 2018 8:05 am

I took up birdwatching about 6 years ago (when i retired) and it is a great way to meet people. Besides organized walks and trips, i run into people in parks, at beaches (not to mention water treatment plants, but that's a different story :-)). Wherever i am, if i see someone with binoculars i approach them and ask "what are you seeing?". It's an instant conversation starter. I have more friends now than when i was working. Good luck to you and your wife!

abner kravitz
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by abner kravitz » Fri Jun 22, 2018 8:20 am

dustinst22 wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 9:50 pm
have you thought about learning Bridge?

Should find people in that age range, and bridge players are extremely interesting/successful/intelligent. It's the best mind sport in the world, and you can find local clubs wherever you go. Also, it's a sport so you can play socially or competitively depending on your skill level -- you can play your entire life and still be terrible, its that deep of a game. Great way to meet people as its a partnership game. If you enjoy solving puzzles or card games, Bridge is by far the best card game in the world. Best of all its something you can play until you die, and its endlessly fascinating with each hand being a completely new puzzle to solve.
I second this. Wife and I took up bridge when we retired and moved to a new area. We have made a lot of friends in the process.

indexonlyplease
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by indexonlyplease » Fri Jun 22, 2018 8:31 am

VictoriaF wrote:
Sun Jun 17, 2018 11:25 pm
2015 wrote:
Sun Jun 17, 2018 8:40 pm
On this board, VictoriaF always strikes me as a very interesting person, with her background and the things she's done and does, and she's fun and funny besides. People like that are not going to have a problem making friends anywhere.
Thank you, 2015,

My view on friendships is similar to yours. The opportunity cost of being with people is not reading books or working on my projects, and so I don't form friendships for the sake of having more friends. I have a very small number of people whom I consider close friends, but unfortunately, none of them lives near me. One has moved out of DC a month ago, and I am feeling the void. I distinguish close friends from good friends. With a close friend you can share your secrets, be vulnerable, and make proverbial 2am calls. With a good friend you share hobbies and have good time. With a close friend you are available when he or she needs you. With a good friend you spend time when it's convenient for both of you.

I make good friends when I engage in the activities I am interested in. For example, I meet many people when I take improv, standup, or storytelling classes. In improv, you closely interact with others, maintain eye contact, and work on the common project of the public graduation performance. In storytelling, you share your personal stories with others and they must pay close attention to give you feedback. Standup classes are similar to storytelling, except that your piece does not have to be true. In these classes you do not just meet people, you learn something about them that brings you closer. I've met a close friend I mentioned above in an improv class, she invited me to take other classes together, and little by little our friendship has deepened beyond our common interest in performing.

Victoria
WoW yes you are a women and that how women think. Men don't think about friends this way. My friends and I get together 2 times a week to mountain bike and play freesbie golf and drink beer. . I think that is about how deep it gets.

indexonlyplease
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by indexonlyplease » Fri Jun 22, 2018 8:33 am

BobbiInBrooklyn wrote:
Fri Jun 22, 2018 8:05 am
I took up birdwatching about 6 years ago (when i retired) and it is a great way to meet people. Besides organized walks and trips, i run into people in parks, at beaches (not to mention water treatment plants, but that's a different story :-)). Wherever i am, if i see someone with binoculars i approach them and ask "what are you seeing?". It's an instant conversation starter. I have more friends now than when i was working. Good luck to you and your wife!
I could not stop laughing when I read bird watching. Thats funny. Thanks for the morning coffee laugh.

RudyS
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by RudyS » Fri Jun 22, 2018 8:34 am

abner kravitz wrote:
Fri Jun 22, 2018 8:20 am
dustinst22 wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 9:50 pm
have you thought about learning Bridge?

Should find people in that age range, and bridge players are extremely interesting/successful/intelligent. It's the best mind sport in the world, and you can find local clubs wherever you go. Also, it's a sport so you can play socially or competitively depending on your skill level -- you can play your entire life and still be terrible, its that deep of a game. Great way to meet people as its a partnership game. If you enjoy solving puzzles or card games, Bridge is by far the best card game in the world. Best of all its something you can play until you die, and its endlessly fascinating with each hand being a completely new puzzle to solve.
I second this. Wife and I took up bridge when we retired and moved to a new area. We have made a lot of friends in the process.
Not to mention, it is great for honing cognitive ability.

windrose
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by windrose » Fri Jun 22, 2018 11:37 am

MrJones wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 11:16 pm
celia wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 8:20 pm
jayk238 wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 7:01 pm
celia wrote:
Mon Jun 18, 2018 2:36 am
jayk, Why do you feel you have to find friends for your wife? ...
This is a very rude post. Passive aggressive, condescending, where to begin? I'm not going to dignify it with a proper response.
I'm sorry but the original post came across to me as if you needed to make all the decisions for your wife, who is an adult. I was wondering if there was a disability or she came from another country, as was the case when another poster once asked a similar question.
Wow, "is she disabled or a foreigner?" ?? Perhaps you aren't realizing this, but that comes across as even more condescending to the OP and his partner than your previous post!
In his original post, the OP wrote that he was "worried about making friends for wife". Like Celia, I wondered what sort of adult would need someone to make friends on their behalf, and my first thought was someone who was not fluent in English.

After reading the rest of his post, I thought it was just bad phrasing, and he did not actually mean he was trying make friends FOR his wife, but rather that he wanted to help HER make friends...assisting her, not doing it for her.

When Celia questioned his phrasing (why did HE want to make friends for his wife?) he did not clarify, but instead became offended, making me believe that my original interpretation IS exactly what he meant, and he is seeking to make friends on her behalf.

I believe you can be helpful in making introductions, but you cannot make friends for another person....that is something a person do themselves. Most of the advice here is about meeting people, but that is really only a first step, there is much more to it than just meeting people.

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celia
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by celia » Fri Jun 22, 2018 1:37 pm

windrose wrote:
Fri Jun 22, 2018 11:37 am
In his original post, the OP wrote that he was "worried about making friends for wife". Like Celia, I wondered what sort of adult would need someone to make friends on their behalf, and my first thought was someone who was not fluent in English.

After reading the rest of his post, I thought it was just bad phrasing, and he did not actually mean he was trying make friends FOR his wife, but rather that he wanted to help HER make friends...assisting her, not doing it for her.

When Celia questioned his phrasing (why did HE want to make friends for his wife?) he did not clarify, but instead became offended, making me believe that my original interpretation IS exactly what he meant, and he is seeking to make friends on her behalf.

I believe you can be helpful in making introductions, but you cannot make friends for another person....that is something a person do themselves. Most of the advice here is about meeting people, but that is really only a first step, there is much more to it than just meeting people.
First and foremost, I'd like to apologize to the OP and anyone else who was offended by my posts. My intent was never to be any of the negative things the OP alleges about me. But as a woman, I was trying to figure out WHY the OP is trying to do something that his wife would probably want to do for herself.

In my limited experience, the heated pools (over 90 degrees?) sounded like they might be physical therapy pools. The primary past thread that I recall about finding friends for someone else (which I cannot find now) was for a wife born in another country and not yet fluent in English since she mainly socializes with people in their ethnic community. Their child would soon be starting school and needed to be exposed to English along with his wife as they may be moving (if I recall correctly). I have a friend who is blind and another who trains seeing-eye dogs and others who have become disabled as they grew older. So it is not like I am making fun of anyone.

I just wondered about the whole purpose of this thread since it came across in the original post that there must be a reason an adult woman needs help doing something that women often do easier than men.

dustinst22
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by dustinst22 » Fri Jun 22, 2018 1:51 pm

How about you don't try to look deeper into the purpose of the thread and just take it for face value? OP is looking for advice, no need to read further into it and try to make judgments. I might add that each explanation you give isn't helping.

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StormShadow
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by StormShadow » Fri Jun 22, 2018 2:11 pm

jayk238 wrote:
Sun Jun 17, 2018 7:09 pm
Moving to a new city 6 hours away. Worried about making friends for wife. I am half man half monk. Can do without others because I have wife but she is not like this. She loves things like bocce, and indoor heated pool swimming. she found those two activities here. They tend to be an older crowd which she seems fine with - 40- 65 years with a skew older in that range for the two activities she did. She had a lot of fun it seems with them. She also invited a local Jehovas witness who came every Tuesday. Dont ask me why because she is never going to change her Catholicism. I think she secretly likes the company. No kids. We plan to have but who knows?
I think its sweet that you're looking out for her, but I find that these things just have a way of figuring itself out.

Finding a nice church is a good start. We're also Catholic. Our church small group does a lot of things together (camping, picnics and multi-family dinners). I golf with the other dads. We watch sporting events at each others homes. Some of the families in our group don't even attend our church any longer, but we still hang out all the time.

I think the fact that you're willing to get involved is already a good sign. Your wife likes bocce and swimming, so maybe take up bocce and swimming! I also like the volunteering suggestions.

controlpanel
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by controlpanel » Fri Jun 22, 2018 2:31 pm

You can use meetup. I was afraid that I don't know how to social before I went to my first meetup, but it turns out that meetups are pretty good!

stick to the same meetup groups: if you join a sports meetup group then try to go to their meetups every time and you will meet the same group of people again and again.

I think it's free to use the meetup website.

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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by VictoriaF » Fri Jun 22, 2018 5:41 pm

dustinst22 wrote:
Fri Jun 22, 2018 1:51 pm
How about you don't try to look deeper into the purpose of the thread and just take it for face value? OP is looking for advice, no need to read further into it and try to make judgments. I might add that each explanation you give isn't helping.
It is a part of the Bogleheads culture, and its value, to analyze the premise and respond to stated and unstated assumptions.

Celia has provided explanations for those who may have misunderstood her messages. She did it in the spirit of the Bogleheads civil discourse. I, for one, did not need explanations. Like Celia, I am sensitive to patronizing attitudes of some Bogleheads men towards their wives and girlfriends and noticed it in the opening statement.

Victoria
WINNER of the 2015 Boglehead Contest. | Every joke has a bit of a joke. ... The rest is the truth. (Marat F)

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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by SMV » Fri Jun 22, 2018 6:48 pm

Jill07 wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 6:37 pm
If there are any tennis clubs in the area, tennis is a great way to meet people. (You can learn at any age.) Pickleball is becoming very popular too. Check the local bicycle shops for group rides. The local high school and/or community college may have some fun classes. Our local high school has tennis lessons, cooking, line dancing, etc. That's a fun way to meet people.

Are there any YMCAs in the area? If the local high school has a swimming pool, it may be open to the public during certain hours.
I second the recommendation for pickleball. Pickleball is super fun and can be really sociable. Plus, you're getting great exercise. It may be a good fit, even if you don't play tennis--I never really got into tennis, but I've been a pickleball fanatic since about 18 months ago.

I would suggest that you try multiple venues. It's played very frequently at community centers, but some are very competitive, whereas some welcome newcomers. You have to find the right place.

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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by jayk238 » Fri Jun 22, 2018 10:11 pm

VictoriaF wrote:
Fri Jun 22, 2018 5:41 pm
dustinst22 wrote:
Fri Jun 22, 2018 1:51 pm
How about you don't try to look deeper into the purpose of the thread and just take it for face value? OP is looking for advice, no need to read further into it and try to make judgments. I might add that each explanation you give isn't helping.
It is a part of the Bogleheads culture, and its value, to analyze the premise and respond to stated and unstated assumptions.

Celia has provided explanations for those who may have misunderstood her messages. She did it in the spirit of the Bogleheads civil discourse. I, for one, did not need explanations. Like Celia, I am sensitive to patronizing attitudes of some Bogleheads men towards their wives and girlfriends and noticed it in the opening statement.

Victoria
There was no effort on my part to patronize my wife or to make friends for her. I was worried for her because she conveyed that she had such good friends here and was sad to not only give them up but to also be away from her parents. I felt like I hadnt spent enough time thinking about her needs -despite us making the decision together- i sometimes wonder if she just went along to make me happy despite denying this - so i wanted to ask for ways to look out for her.

I stand by what I interpret of her comments and there are others here who agree. I am not the only one.

Like the above poster said- no need parse every word and look for hidden meanings.

jayk238
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by jayk238 » Fri Jun 22, 2018 10:12 pm

Absolutely no ulterior motives. I find the idea of dating for my wife so comically stupid as to become unoffensive despite the awfulness of it.

jayk238
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by jayk238 » Fri Jun 22, 2018 10:14 pm

StormShadow wrote:
Fri Jun 22, 2018 2:11 pm
jayk238 wrote:
Sun Jun 17, 2018 7:09 pm
Moving to a new city 6 hours away. Worried about making friends for wife. I am half man half monk. Can do without others because I have wife but she is not like this. She loves things like bocce, and indoor heated pool swimming. she found those two activities here. They tend to be an older crowd which she seems fine with - 40- 65 years with a skew older in that range for the two activities she did. She had a lot of fun it seems with them. She also invited a local Jehovas witness who came every Tuesday. Dont ask me why because she is never going to change her Catholicism. I think she secretly likes the company. No kids. We plan to have but who knows?
I think its sweet that you're looking out for her, but I find that these things just have a way of figuring itself out.

Finding a nice church is a good start. We're also Catholic. Our church small group does a lot of things together (camping, picnics and multi-family dinners). I golf with the other dads. We watch sporting events at each others homes. Some of the families in our group don't even attend our church any longer, but we still hang out all the time.

I think the fact that you're willing to get involved is already a good sign. Your wife likes bocce and swimming, so maybe take up bocce and swimming! I also like the volunteering suggestions.
Thank you for this refreshing comment. If I took enough of these comments seriously I would have to assume Im some sort of paternalistic overly traditional all controlling husband!

jayk238
Posts: 439
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by jayk238 » Fri Jun 22, 2018 10:16 pm

dustinst22 wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 9:50 pm
have you thought about learning Bridge?

Should find people in that age range, and bridge players are extremely interesting/successful/intelligent. It's the best mind sport in the world, and you can find local clubs wherever you go. Also, it's a sport so you can play socially or competitively depending on your skill level -- you can play your entire life and still be terrible, its that deep of a game. Great way to meet people as its a partnership game. If you enjoy solving puzzles or card games, Bridge is by far the best card game in the world. Best of all its something you can play until you die, and its endlessly fascinating with each hand being a completely new puzzle to solve.
Thank you for this! I really need to look into bridge. I will read up about it and even just ask her if shed consider

jayk238
Posts: 439
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by jayk238 » Fri Jun 22, 2018 10:17 pm

celia wrote:
Fri Jun 22, 2018 1:37 pm
windrose wrote:
Fri Jun 22, 2018 11:37 am
In his original post, the OP wrote that he was "worried about making friends for wife". Like Celia, I wondered what sort of adult would need someone to make friends on their behalf, and my first thought was someone who was not fluent in English.

After reading the rest of his post, I thought it was just bad phrasing, and he did not actually mean he was trying make friends FOR his wife, but rather that he wanted to help HER make friends...assisting her, not doing it for her.

When Celia questioned his phrasing (why did HE want to make friends for his wife?) he did not clarify, but instead became offended, making me believe that my original interpretation IS exactly what he meant, and he is seeking to make friends on her behalf.

I believe you can be helpful in making introductions, but you cannot make friends for another person....that is something a person do themselves. Most of the advice here is about meeting people, but that is really only a first step, there is much more to it than just meeting people.
First and foremost, I'd like to apologize to the OP and anyone else who was offended by my posts. My intent was never to be any of the negative things the OP alleges about me. But as a woman, I was trying to figure out WHY the OP is trying to do something that his wife would probably want to do for herself.

In my limited experience, the heated pools (over 90 degrees?) sounded like they might be physical therapy pools. The primary past thread that I recall about finding friends for someone else (which I cannot find now) was for a wife born in another country and not yet fluent in English since she mainly socializes with people in their ethnic community. Their child would soon be starting school and needed to be exposed to English along with his wife as they may be moving (if I recall correctly). I have a friend who is blind and another who trains seeing-eye dogs and others who have become disabled as they grew older. So it is not like I am making fun of anyone.

I just wondered about the whole purpose of this thread since it came across in the original post that there must be a reason an adult woman needs help doing something that women often do easier than men.
My wife loves the heated pool because she hates how cold normal pools are. We both have thyroid disease which makes us easily cold despite being on proper medication.

Cruise
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by Cruise » Sat Jun 23, 2018 3:12 am

jayk238 wrote:
Fri Jun 22, 2018 10:11 pm
VictoriaF wrote:
Fri Jun 22, 2018 5:41 pm
dustinst22 wrote:
Fri Jun 22, 2018 1:51 pm
How about you don't try to look deeper into the purpose of the thread and just take it for face value? OP is looking for advice, no need to read further into it and try to make judgments. I might add that each explanation you give isn't helping.
It is a part of the Bogleheads culture, and its value, to analyze the premise and respond to stated and unstated assumptions.

Celia has provided explanations for those who may have misunderstood her messages. She did it in the spirit of the Bogleheads civil discourse. I, for one, did not need explanations. Like Celia, I am sensitive to patronizing attitudes of some Bogleheads men towards their wives and girlfriends and noticed it in the opening statement.

Victoria
There was no effort on my part to patronize my wife or to make friends for her. I was worried for her because she conveyed that she had such good friends here and was sad to not only give them up but to also be away from her parents. I felt like I hadnt spent enough time thinking about her needs -despite us making the decision together- i sometimes wonder if she just went along to make me happy despite denying this - so i wanted to ask for ways to look out for her.

I stand by what I interpret of her comments and there are others here who agree. I am not the only one.

Like the above poster said- no need parse every word and look for hidden meanings.
You are a very kind husband for being so concerned about your wife’s adaptation and for seeking consult. Unfortunately, there are a pack of people on this board who readily see sexism where non exist. I’m happy that you have stood your ground.

SrGrumpy
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by SrGrumpy » Sat Jun 23, 2018 6:22 am

jayk238 wrote:
Sun Jun 17, 2018 7:09 pm
She loves things like bocce, and indoor heated pool swimming. she found those two activities here. They tend to be an older crowd which she seems fine with - 40- 65 years with a skew older in that range for the two activities she did.
Swimming is a great way to meet people. Enquiries with pool staff may reveal that younger folks come in early before heading off to work, and at the end of the day after work. Oldsters do proliferate at other times. (I need to Google 'Bocce' one of these days.)

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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by MandyT » Sun Jun 24, 2018 10:55 am

I've been divorced for 16 years and am still on good terms with my ex. One source of conflict used to be when I would express sadness or frustration and he would interpret this as a request to "fix" my situation or give me advice. For example, I might complain that my boss made an unreasonable request and he would reply with a list of things I should do in response. If I'd say why I couldn't do each thing, he'd say I was being defeatist and pretty soon we were in a big argument. If he had originally said "Yeah, how can she expect you to do that? Would you like a neck rub?" the whole thing would have been over.

I only mention this because I think it's a pretty common source of misunderstanding between men and women. I'm the opposite of most "Women are..." statements, but not in this case: sometimes I'm just venting about the source of my displeasure without expecting anyone to fix it.

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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by jabberwockOG » Sun Jun 24, 2018 11:07 am

GerryL wrote:
Sun Jun 17, 2018 8:08 pm
Volunteering? It can take a while to establish friendships, but in the meantime the individual is contributing to society.
I have moved around a lot and have generally joined clubs and volunteer activities to start meeting people with common interests. Some efforts pan out. Some don't.
Volunteer work is a great social outlet and a wonderful way to meet like minded people. In general I find pretty high quality folks doing volunteer work. They are always volunteer opportunities in many different types of organizations and roles/activities. Putting in the time, energy, and effort on volunteer work that improves your community/world often results in the universe doing something pretty nice to reciprocate.

2015
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by 2015 » Sun Jun 24, 2018 3:23 pm

MandyT wrote:
Sun Jun 24, 2018 10:55 am
I've been divorced for 16 years and am still on good terms with my ex. One source of conflict used to be when I would express sadness or frustration and he would interpret this as a request to "fix" my situation or give me advice. For example, I might complain that my boss made an unreasonable request and he would reply with a list of things I should do in response. If I'd say why I couldn't do each thing, he'd say I was being defeatist and pretty soon we were in a big argument. If he had originally said "Yeah, how can she expect you to do that? Would you like a neck rub?" the whole thing would have been over.

I only mention this because I think it's a pretty common source of misunderstanding between men and women. I'm the opposite of most "Women are..." statements, but not in this case: sometimes I'm just venting about the source of my displeasure without expecting anyone to fix it.
You don't have to be female to not want people to try to "fix" your situation. In the depths of hospice caregiving, I'm about *this* close to getting a t-shirt stating: "Do Not Say Stupid Stuff to the Caregiver." Never tell a caregiver you've been where they are, I don't care what your experience is. You don't know and you can't know what their experience is.

Personally, I've never had a strategy for making friends, my friendships always just sort of happened. Thinking about all of the friends I've ever made, I think the best ones were the those I made almost by accident.

edge
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by edge » Sun Jun 24, 2018 4:12 pm

Amen, relationships with women became so much easier when I just expressed some modicum of sympathy instead of suggestions for fixing problems.

Men typically want actionable advice. Women not so much in my experience.

MandyT wrote:
Sun Jun 24, 2018 10:55 am
I've been divorced for 16 years and am still on good terms with my ex. One source of conflict used to be when I would express sadness or frustration and he would interpret this as a request to "fix" my situation or give me advice. For example, I might complain that my boss made an unreasonable request and he would reply with a list of things I should do in response. If I'd say why I couldn't do each thing, he'd say I was being defeatist and pretty soon we were in a big argument. If he had originally said "Yeah, how can she expect you to do that? Would you like a neck rub?" the whole thing would have been over.

I only mention this because I think it's a pretty common source of misunderstanding between men and women. I'm the opposite of most "Women are..." statements, but not in this case: sometimes I'm just venting about the source of my displeasure without expecting anyone to fix it.

Lynette
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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by Lynette » Sun Jun 24, 2018 4:29 pm

edge wrote:
Sun Jun 24, 2018 4:12 pm
Amen, relationships with women became so much easier when I just expressed some modicum of sympathy instead of suggestions for fixing problems.

Men typically want actionable advice. Women not so much in my experience.
I guess everyone's experience is different and relationships are prone to misunderstandings. Over fifty years ago, I worked in occupations where most of the employees were men. Often women were regarded as unsuitable for senior jobs as they were too emotional, etc. This has led me to dislike general statements such as "women are ... men are ...". I guess everyone's situation is different.

I remembered this thread by the OP and it may give further information on his situation:

viewtopic.php?f=1&t=250787&p=3960256#top

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Re: how to make friends in new location?

Post by LadyGeek » Mon Jun 25, 2018 3:04 pm

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