Overnight guests

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maria00200
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Overnight guests

Post by maria00200 » Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:29 pm

I realize this doesn't have to do with investing, but in a way it has to do with finances so I thought I'd ask all the smart people on this forum. My husband and his (male) cousin work together, and his cousin lives a far drive from work (about an hour and a half). Sometimes (which seems quite often to me), they work late for one reason or another (due to the snow, overtime etc.), so his cousin just stays at our house and sleeps over out of convenience. In my family, it's me, my husband, and my teen child. If it was very rarely I wouldn't say a word. But it's often enough where I am annoyed by this arrangement. I'm an introvert and my home is my place of refuge and peace. I don't like having overnight guests that often, maybe just as a rare occasion if a family member visits from out of town, but that's it. I told my husband to talk to him and tell him this isn't working out. He needs to either get a different job, or move closer to this job, or find another way. Am I being rude by asking this? Should I bite my tongue and just put up with it? Should I say anything to the cousin directly? It sort of does has to do with finances because then I have to worry about dinner for an additional person, him using our water for showers, electricity for the tv etc. It happens randomly, sometimes twice a week and then nothing for a couple weeks, sometimes 3 times in a week, again the next week, and then nothing for a few weeks, but often enough where it's getting on my nerves. What would you do?

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White Coat Investor
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Re: Overnight guests

Post by White Coat Investor » Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:42 pm

You and your partner have a discussion. Decide how often you can live with it. Then your partner tells him what the two of you decided together.
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ResearchMed
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Re: Overnight guests

Post by ResearchMed » Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:48 pm

maria00200 wrote:
Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:29 pm
I realize this doesn't have to do with investing, but in a way it has to do with finances so I thought I'd ask all the smart people on this forum. My husband and his (male) cousin work together, and his cousin lives a far drive from work (about an hour and a half). Sometimes (which seems quite often to me), they work late for one reason or another (due to the snow, overtime etc.), so his cousin just stays at our house and sleeps over out of convenience. In my family, it's me, my husband, and my teen child. If it was very rarely I wouldn't say a word. But it's often enough where I am annoyed by this arrangement. I'm an introvert and my home is my place of refuge and peace. I don't like having overnight guests that often, maybe just as a rare occasion if a family member visits from out of town, but that's it. I told my husband to talk to him and tell him this isn't working out. He needs to either get a different job, or move closer to this job, or find another way. Am I being rude by asking this? Should I bite my tongue and just put up with it? Should I say anything to the cousin directly? It sort of does has to do with finances because then I have to worry about dinner for an additional person, him using our water for showers, electricity for the tv etc. It happens randomly, sometimes twice a week and then nothing for a couple weeks, sometimes 3 times in a week, again the next week, and then nothing for a few weeks, but often enough where it's getting on my nerves. What would you do?
This sounds pretty unpleasant, given it's obviously someone whose company you don't thoroughly enjoy, and even then... if too frequent...!

How does your husband feel about this cousin (great friends, too? merely vague family connections?)?

There are two issues, related, but also somewhat separate. First, is your privacy. Second, finances.
Would it help if Husband started taking Cousin out for burgers or pizza? If they are working late, then by the time they've had a meal out, when they come back, golly gee... you'd be reading in bed, or even "sound asleep", right?
And is there anywhere to get breakfast at work, at least coffee and a bagel or such? That may not help too much with the morning fuss of showers, etc., but might get them out of the house faster.
Or at least some/most of the time?

Also, how many bathrooms do you have? If you are all sharing one shower facility... ouch. that would really slow things down, in addition to the general annoyance.

Can you be more open/firm with your husband?
Given that it's his cousin, you both really should be on the same page about this, or Cousin will be getting mixed messages, and might reasonably pay more attention to Husband. Although he's be quite a bore if you spoke up about it not working and he just kept staying!

Another way to handle it is, if it's just "working late", well, Cousin knows work schedule and where he lives.
IF it's really heavy snow/ice, and a true safety concern, maybe the overnight guest arrangements could be restricted to those occasions?

RM
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TravelGeek
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Re: Overnight guests

Post by TravelGeek » Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:49 pm

I wouldn’t make it about money, because the obvious solution in that case (cousin contributes to household expenses, brings “home” take-out food for everyone, ...) presumably doesn’t address your concern.

I would feel the same about regular “guests” - I like my privacy and peace and tranquility. Talk with your husband. He should deliver the msg.

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KlingKlang
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Re: Overnight guests

Post by KlingKlang » Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:50 pm

White Coat Investor wrote:
Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:42 pm
You and your partner have a discussion. Decide how often you can live with it. Then your partner tells him what the two of you decided together.
This.

Also would it make you feel any better if the cousin bought your family dinner or brought you a thank-you present once in a while? No one likes to be imposed on forever without receiving anything in return.
Last edited by KlingKlang on Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Sandtrap
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Re: Overnight guests

Post by Sandtrap » Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:51 pm

. . . I'm an introvert and my home is my place of refuge and peace.. . .
It is your home.
It is your sacred space.
"Everyone" should respect it as such,. . . with strong "reminders" if needed.
Your spouse will communicate your needs and "protect you and your space".
j :D

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blueblock
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Re: Overnight guests

Post by blueblock » Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:54 pm

maria00200 wrote:
Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:29 pm
What would you do?
You're probably doing even more work to facilitate this arrangement than you outline. Who's making up the bed, washing linens and towels, doing extra dishes, cleaning the bedroom afterwards? Does the cousin make himself scarce in the evening or hang with you and your husband, thus overriding your own plans?

My partner would never allow the arrangement you describe, but if he did, it would be up to him to put a stop to it without making me look like the bad guy. This isn't normal.

dbr
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Re: Overnight guests

Post by dbr » Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:54 pm

White Coat Investor wrote:
Sun Dec 17, 2017 6:42 pm
You and your partner have a discussion. Decide how often you can live with it. Then your partner tells him what the two of you decided together.
Yes, anything that gets on your nerves should be something your husband takes seriously and would be more than willing to work out. Most people in the position of the cousin would be concerned to not be wearing out their welcome with you, but it is unlikely the cousin does not really appreciate your feelings, but your husband certainly should. It would be pretty much taken for granted that most people are not comfortable having an outside guest as a routine.

However, being concerned about how much electricity is being used to run the TV or provide hot water is absurd. Causing extra work and stress over meals is more understandable. Did you really mean that those trivial examples really concern you?

maria00200
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Re: Overnight guests

Post by maria00200 » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:05 pm

Thanks for all the replies so far. Having them go out for dinner first before coming home is a good idea, but the lack of privacy is what bothers me the most, not so much the food, or him using stuff. I’ll take the suggestion to talk it over with my spouse and make a decision, then he has to talk to his cousin on what we decided. Oh and we have only one bathroom :shock:

sbaywriter
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Re: Overnight guests

Post by sbaywriter » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:11 pm

Agree with other suggestions on discussing with husband. In some areas it is common for people who commute long distance to rent room locally and stay there 2-4 nights a week. Maybe he needs to find an arrangement like that. I would feel same as you but would want to make it clear that in an emergency (bad weather, car trouble) he would be welcome guest.

maria00200
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Re: Overnight guests

Post by maria00200 » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:14 pm

sbaywriter wrote:
Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:11 pm
Agree with other suggestions on discussing with husband. In some areas it is common for people who commute long distance to rent room locally and stay there 2-4 nights a week. Maybe he needs to find an arrangement like that. I would feel same as you but would want to make it clear that in an emergency (bad weather, car trouble) he would be welcome guest.
Only problem with that is we live in western New York, notorious for lots of snow, and we live in the southtowns, which means a lot of snow ALL winter. Saying he can stay when there is bad weather is pretty much more than half the winter. :annoyed

Herekittykitty
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Re: Overnight guests

Post by Herekittykitty » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:15 pm

I would like to look at this from a different perspective.

Your husband and cousin work together, the cousin lives an hour and a half away, presumably the hour and a half is when the snow/ice aren't bad, or is it an hour and a half when there are snow and ice? In any case, the cousin has a significant commute. Sometimes in bad, possibly treacherous weather, at night, sometimes after putting in overtime. The cousin and your husband consider the cousin welcome to spend the night in and share your and your and your family's home when they work late or when the weather is especially bad.

Although most posters so far do not fall into this category, some would consider such an arrangement reasonable, especially if the cousin is congenial. If your cousin and husband grew up spending a lot of time together, or even if not, that kind of arrangement could be considered normal and even expected in his family. And it could be that the cousin and his family would do the same for your husband if the situation was reversed. If the work is a family business, that might be even more the case.

Also, you mention you are an introvert, and describe what you want and need your home to be. While some certainly are wired that way, others are not - for example, it would likely not be as distressing to an extrovert. And some more extroverted people, especially those whose family cultures might be consistent with that type of arrangement, might be fine with it.

It may also be that you feel this is a boundary issue, with the cousin's presence intruding on your nuclear family's time with each other and space, such that your nuclear family dynamics and interactions with each do not have the opportunity to develop as you envision for your family. And you could have a good point.

I assume if the workplace is a family business, there could be some expectations on the part of the cousin that the business provide for his room and board when he works overtime or the weather is bad, and if he does not stay with you then the business may need to pay for a motel and meals. And if it is not a family business but just a place both happen to work, then either your cousin will have to cover his own room and board when he works late or the weather is bad, or will have to make the drive anyway, will have to move closer to his job, or will have to get a job elsewhere. If such has to happen now, then he will be making the changes in the middle of winter in an area where it snows during the winter.

Certainly you have every right to say who if anyone comes to your home and especially stays overnight, and at what frequency. And I do agree with the advice that this is your husband's cousin, and his responsibility to deal with the situation.

All I am saying is that the situation may be more complicated than it appears, and your husband may therefore find it more difficult than it appears, to have that talk with his cousin. And that your coming to an understanding of what this all means for your husband, and letting him come to an understanding of what it means for you, may make it easier to come up with a plan for transitioning the cousin from the current arrangement, and make it easier for your husband to have that talk with his cousin.
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ResearchMed
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Re: Overnight guests

Post by ResearchMed » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:19 pm

maria00200 wrote:
Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:05 pm
Thanks for all the replies so far. Having them go out for dinner first before coming home is a good idea, but the lack of privacy is what bothers me the most, not so much the food, or him using stuff. I’ll take the suggestion to talk it over with my spouse and make a decision, then he has to talk to his cousin on what we decided. Oh and we have only one bathroom :shock:
Yup, with only one bathroom, forget it!
(On a true emergency basis, that's one thing. Two or more times a week, even if occasionally... nope.)

That would do it instantly for us.
On weekday mornings, that must already be a problem with the two adults and teen.

You really do need to have your husband speak with him about "other" arrangements, no matter what they are.
And that's especially the case, given that this isn't a temporary situation, such as his house is under repair.
He has no incentive to find other arrangements, with this sweet/convenient/free "deal".

And IF your husband cannot see a way to have cousin make other arrangements (and reasonably soon), then you need to ask more questions about why.

Good luck.
It sounds like you've been beyond patient.

RM
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DanMahowny
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Re: Overnight guests

Post by DanMahowny » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:20 pm

I would shut this down right now. This arrangement would be completely unacceptable to me.
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VictoriaF
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Re: Overnight guests

Post by VictoriaF » Sun Dec 17, 2017 8:51 pm

If you feel awkward speaking to your husband, consider showing him this thread.

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Re: Overnight guests

Post by LadyGeek » Sun Dec 17, 2017 9:14 pm

This thread has run its course and is locked (relationship issue - off-topic). See: Acceptable Topics and Subforum Guidelines
This is an investing and personal finance forum. We also maintain a subforum that allow our members to discuss consumer goods and services and recreational activities. Anything else is considered "Off Topic" and is not acceptable on this forum.
This thread is now in the Personal Consumer Issues forum (house guest).
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