How did you handle the costs of your child's wedding?

tx_hombre · Post by **tx_hombre** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:12 pm

Our oldest child is still only 5, so we have plenty of time!

But we are genuinely curious as to how those who have gone before us have handled the costs (regardless of the exact budget) of a wedding.

Are you simply withdrawing from your taxable account? How much are you planning ahead for the potential of a wedding?

EDIT: Really interesting to hear so many different view points! Did want to clarify that it would be our privledge and pleasure to pay for a reasonable wedding for our daughter. By no means would we consider it a burden on us, or a requirement for her.

The529guy · Post by **The529guy** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:17 pm

Encourage her to become well-educated so she and her spouse won't expect you to pay for it? (My wife and I paid for our own wedding.)

BigLaw Survivor · Post by **BigLaw Survivor** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:18 pm

We're about to have our third wedding. Each time we just paid for it from our earnings and our taxable savings. Not sure there's much more to say.

Nicolas · Post by **Nicolas** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:20 pm

I wrote a check. It was 9K.

BigLaw Survivor · Post by **BigLaw Survivor** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:21 pm

The529guy wrote:Encourage her to become well-educated so she and her spouse won't expect you to pay for it?

All of our kids are "well educated." We were still happy to pay a reasonable price for their weddings. I just wouldn't recommend stretching financially to do it.

tx_hombre · Post by **tx_hombre** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:21 pm

The529guy wrote:Encourage her to become well-educated so she and her spouse won't expect you to pay for it?

I suppose I should clarify that it would be our pleasure and privledge to pay.

tx_hombre · Post by **tx_hombre** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:22 pm

BigLaw Survivor wrote:We're about to have our third wedding. Each time we just paid for it from our earnings and our taxable savings. Not sure there's much more to say.

Thanks! This is basically what I expected, I suppose. Thanks for sharing!

The529guy · Post by **The529guy** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:26 pm

tx_hombre wrote:
The529guy wrote:Encourage her to become well-educated so she and her spouse won't expect you to pay for it?
I suppose I should clarify that it would be our pleasure and privledge to pay.

I hear you - your daughter is lucky

The only thing I have to add is to let your daughter make the calls (within the scope of your budget). A friend's dad demanded certain features at her wedding (i.e., chocolate fountain) that created a lot of tension during the planning process.

seity · Post by **seity** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:33 pm

My kids are on their own for their wedding. It's a great life lesson to learn to budget and not waste money on things you don't need. We paid for our own wedding and would never have expected our parents to pay for any of it. If they wanted to help us out on our new life with a financial gift of some kind, it was entirely up to them.

deltaneutral83 · Post by **deltaneutral83** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:36 pm

The529guy wrote: I hear you - your daughter is lucky The only thing I have to add is to let your daughter make the calls (within the scope of your budget). A friend's dad demanded certain features at her wedding (i.e., chocolate fountain) that created a lot of tension during the planning process.

Somehow I doubt there will be a whole lot of Bogleheads that demanded a chocolate fountain at one of their children's wedding.

The529guy · Post by **The529guy** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:37 pm

deltaneutral83 wrote:
The529guy wrote: I hear you - your daughter is lucky The only thing I have to add is to let your daughter make the calls (within the scope of your budget). A friend's dad demanded certain features at her wedding (i.e., chocolate fountain) that created a lot of tension during the planning process.
Somehow I doubt there will be a whole lot of Bogleheads that demanded a chocolate fountain at one of their children's wedding.

True, but you never know!

HueyLD · Post by **HueyLD** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:38 pm

tx_hombre wrote:Our oldest child is still only 5, so we have plenty of time!

But we are genuinely curious as to how those who have gone before us have handled the costs (regardless of the exact budget) of a wedding.

Are you simply withdrawing from your taxable account? How much are you planning ahead for the potential of a wedding?

Yes, pay for the wedding with taxable money.

A friend gave his daughter a fixed amount and told her to keep whatever was left. Well, the daughter managed to come in under budget and was able to have a few thousand extra dollars to spend on her honeymoon.

HomerJ · Post by **HomerJ** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:38 pm

I will pay for it out of my checking account. I will offer a set amount, and whatever they don't spend they can keep.

Don't overthink this. Between engagement and the actual wedding, you should be able to set aside enough money to pay for it. If not, you're paying too much.

mak1277 · Post by **mak1277** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:39 pm

deltaneutral83 wrote:
The529guy wrote: I hear you - your daughter is lucky The only thing I have to add is to let your daughter make the calls (within the scope of your budget). A friend's dad demanded certain features at her wedding (i.e., chocolate fountain) that created a lot of tension during the planning process.
Somehow I doubt there will be a whole lot of Bogleheads that demanded a chocolate fountain at one of their children's wedding.

What does being a boglehead have to do with a love of liquid chocolate?

alex_686 · Post by **alex_686** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:45 pm

tx_hombre wrote:Our oldest child is still only 5, so we have plenty of time!

2 questions. Why this is important to you? What does your child want? I ask this because I think at this point it is more about you than anything else.

I got a certain amount of help from my parents launching into life. Help will college tuition, they bought me my first car - a used Honda Civic, etc. Maybe the child will want a simple wedding or maybe no wedding at all.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it is o.k. to set aside money for your child. However, let your child help you decided what to spend it on.

As an aside, my favorite weddings, including my own, were low key social events. I have pictures of my wife grilling up stakes on some portable grills on the church lawn. Everybody had a grand time and we were able to chat will all of the guests. I have been at weddings for 2,000 and seen the bride and groom for all of 30 seconds. Each to their own but I could not imagine spending 10k to 20k on a wedding.

jhfenton · Post by **jhfenton** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:52 pm

We will probably offer our kids a lump sum gift to spend on their wedding, honeymoon, or early nest egg as they see fit. (They're 13 and 14 now, so we have a while.) The amount will be whatever we can afford at the time.

The529guy · Post by **The529guy** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:55 pm

Whenever I see sensational news stories about the "average" cost of a wedding in the U.S., I can't help but assume that the key driver is parents' desire to keep up with the Jones by having a "socially acceptable" level of extravagance per their friends and family.

tx_hombre · Post by **tx_hombre** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:04 pm

alex_686 wrote:
tx_hombre wrote:Our oldest child is still only 5, so we have plenty of time!
2 questions. Why this is important to you? What does your child want? I ask this because I think at this point it is more about you than anything else.

Great questions. It's "important" to me simply because I hadn't really put my thought to it before! We have retirement savings, 529 savings, emergency savings, etc etc - but this is something I hadn't really thought of before. And I know there are plenty of smarter, more seasoned parents here than me.

Regarding what they'll want - who knows! I love the ideas of giving the child a budget, and whatever they save, they keep.

My wife and I had a relatively simple wedding as well. Our goal for our kids is to provide, within reason, and teach as much as possible at the same time.

hulburt1 · Post by **hulburt1** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:05 pm

Reno I pay

JDCarpenter · Post by **JDCarpenter** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:08 pm

We have three sons, two of whom got married this year.

Eldest and his wife are bay area engineers and footing the bill for their several geographically dispersed celebrations.

Youngest one's wife's family picked up what, to us, seemed to be a pricey, small wedding. (We did buy dinner for the six of us at a michelin 3 star the night before though.)

Middle one and his s.o./wife/GF probably aren't going to get legally married, unless tax penalty decreases. (Ironically, he is tax lawyer.)

In each case, we gifted 5K to the couple to use as they see fit. (Still need to deliver to middle one....)

If we had a daughter, that same amount would have been gifted.

clydewolf · Post by **clydewolf** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:12 pm

Buy an extension ladder and encourage the bride and groom to elope.

In the meantime, you can use the ladder around the house.

denovo · Post by **denovo** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:16 pm

hulburt1 wrote:Reno I pay

Not Vegas?

Meg77 · Post by **Meg77** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:18 pm

By the time your child gets married the norms around weddings and their costs may well have changed. I wouldn't think about this much at all. You've got a lot of other milestones to get through before that one most likely! When/if the child gets engaged you can evaluate your income and savings and determine what amount you are comfortable contributing. Remember that the engaged couple and the other partner's parents may also be willing to contribute, especially if they want something beyond what you are able or willing to pay for.

Also remember that the total cost is often spread over a year or more, so you would ideally be able to cash flow much if not all of the wedding costs. The ring is purchased before engagement; deposits for caterer and venue are made soon after engagement; the dress is bought sometime later. The photographer, band and some other venders aren't paid until night of. The honeymoon costs come later (sometimes months later these days). You may not be planning to pay for all those items, but when you read about the "total wedding costs" that and much more is included there. It's not all spent on the reception, as some people imagine when reading those statistics.

I am the oldest of four daughters, and we were all born in 6.5 years - so we all hit marrying age around the same time. The first one of us to marry planned her wedding with my parents and had a perfectly nice ceremony and party. My dad announced afterward that the other three of us would get a budget of what the first one spent, adjusted slightly for inflation. He was always big on trying to keep things exactly fair/even between us.

With the next two they tried to keep to the stated budget, but of course costs pop up over long periods and it was difficult to monitor and manage. Sis #3 to marry went over and had to dip into her own savings but had a blowout affair to remember at a nice hotel. I was the last to marry (which happened to occur in the same 12 month period as 2 of my other sisters' weddings), and by that point my weary parents simply mailed my fiancé and I a check soon after our engagement rather than attempt to be part of the budgeting process. With their support, we spent it building an outdoor bar/kitchen/garden on our rooftop deck and on a 10 day elopement/honeymoon in Hawaii. Then we hosted a housewarming/wedding celebration party 6 months later on our roof which we paid for ourselves.

sport · Post by **sport** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:19 pm

jhfenton wrote:We will probably offer our kids a lump sum gift to spend on their wedding, honeymoon, or early nest egg as they see fit.

This is what we did. They elected to spend it on the wedding.

Nowizard · Post by **Nowizard** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:30 pm

As with all major milestones such as HS graduation, college fees and graduation, marriage, down payment for first home, our goal was to cover or aid in covering the related cost and celebrations if the child maintained his role of being a good student, citizen, respectful human being, etc. That being said, it is a different game today with many marrying later. The old guidelines of which parent pays what seems to be out the window, though some may adhere to it. Many couples are paying their own way with little or no help from parents on either side. We paid for weddings and honeymoons for our children, both male. In one case the bride side paid nothing, essentially gave them the same as the wedding cost in the other case. We purchased zero coupon bonds early in their lives, and they were paying 11% at the time. These were long gone by the time they married, but we had savings, though they were not specifically designated for weddings. Children were in their 30's when they married, 8 and 3 years ago.

Tim

tx_hombre · Post by **tx_hombre** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:40 pm

Nowizard wrote:As with all major milestones such as HS graduation, college fees and graduation, marriage, down payment for first home, our goal was to cover or aid in covering the related cost and celebrations if the child maintained his role of being a good student, citizen, respectful human being, etc. That being said, it is a different game today with many marrying later. The old guidelines of which parent pays what seems to be out the window, though some may adhere to it. Many couples are paying their own way with little or no help from parents on either side. We paid for weddings and honeymoons for our children, both male. In one case the bride side paid nothing, essentially gave them the same as the wedding cost in the other case. We purchased zero coupon bonds early in their lives, and they were paying 11% at the time. These were long gone by the time they married, but we had savings, though they were not specifically designated for weddings. Children were in their 30's when they married, 8 and 3 years ago.

Tim

Thanks for taking the time to post this reply, Tim. Appreciate it!

sawhorse · Post by **sawhorse** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:42 pm

Among the younger generation, parents paying for a wedding isn't expected anymore. I have a few friends who declined parental financial assistance with the wedding because they believed that the parents would want to control the wedding planning if they were paying.

celia · Post by **celia** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:42 pm

The529guy wrote:Whenever I see sensational news stories about the "average" cost of a wedding in the U.S., I can't help but assume that the key driver is parents' desire to keep up with the Jones by having a "socially acceptable" level of extravagance per their friends and family.

Forget those "news stories". I think the people being surveyed are the professional wedding planners. Anyone who uses a wedding planner probably uses a financial advisor too, since they don't want to do-it-yourself. I have never been to one of those professionally planned weddings.

Here's how you can have an inexpensive wedding, by using your imagination:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkoG1sNo7Ps

maria00200 · Post by **maria00200** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:44 pm

My 1st wedding - spent thousands and thousands of dollars, reception at a fancy hall, expensive dress, all the luxuries, marriage ended in divorce.
My 2nd wedding - wore a plain dress, simple ceremony, afterward a backyard BBQ with close family, all under $200. Been happily married since.

SmileyFace · Post by **SmileyFace** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:47 pm

I'm paying fully for college (including Grad School for one). Weddings - maybe not at all. If they keep it under $5000 perhaps out of cash flow then the time comes. The prices people pay these days are ridiculous. A $5000 dress when you can find a nice $300 dress, etc.

Cobra Commander · Post by **Cobra Commander** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 2:57 pm

I got married a few years ago and DW's parents paid for the wedding (around $25K including dress, reception venue, food, photographer, church, etc.) and my parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. My parents also paid for the plane tickets and hotel room for our honeymoon and we paid for meals. I paid for her engagement ring ($15K) and wedding ring ($3K) and she paid for my wedding ring ($500).

kalynda · Post by **kalynda** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 3:02 pm

Different perspective on this since I am the child who recently was married...

Both my parents and my in-laws earmarked a certain incredibly generous $ amount for each child that we could use towards either a wedding or a down-payment on a house. My in-laws had earmarked some company stock for this, whereas my parents had slowly moved money from investment accounts into cash as we graduated college. We used some of the money given towards our wedding, some of my own money (bonus $$ that is usually used towards vacations), and saved the rest. On my parents side, this money truly had no strings attached -- we asked their input on certain aspects of the wedding, gave them 1/3 of the guest list and didn't feel any pressure from them. On my in-laws side... even though we had a blended pot of $$ towards the wedding, they had certain expectations. We managed through it OK, but in hindsight I would almost have preferred no $.

My sister-in-law was married after us, and used all of the money from her parents + borrowed additional money towards a down-payment for a condo. When the time came to get married, she asked her parents for additional money -- this caused a major rift between her and my husband due to the perceived inequity of how much they gave him vs her. From my perspective, the additional money she received was a pittance compared to the control she lost over both her wedding and the condo she purchased and ultimately stunted her adulting. (She is mid-30s and continues to ask her parents for money and uses them as her emergency fund).

In short -- we were very, very grateful and surprised by the gifts our parents gave us, but we were not expecting any money. The money they gave allowed us to have a larger wedding than we would have paid for on our own. This also benefited our parents since they could invite more people to the wedding than they would under our original budget. For my own future children I would do something similar - flat $ amount towards house or marriage as they so choose, and try to have no strings attached / keep my opinions to myself.

remomnyc · Post by **remomnyc** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 3:13 pm

We paid for ours and neither parents offered anything. As a gift, my parents gave us $500 (more than they could afford) and my husband's parents gave us $6,000 (which was basically 1/2 the cost), but we didn't know the money was coming. We will do the same. We expect our kids to plan and pay for their own weddings, but we will give a cash gift.

munemaker · Post by **munemaker** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 3:25 pm

Our son married in his late 20s. They both are well along on successful careers and have a relatively high combined income. It was the first wedding for both of them. The bride's family planned and paid for most of the wedding. We do not live anywhere near the wedding venue or the in-laws. We struggled with what was the right thing to do regarding the cost of the wedding and the gift. The bride and her family did not ask for or accept any input from us regarding the wedding, so we really did not feel compelled to pay for the wedding directly. I had always pictured paying half of the costs and having my wife participate in the planning, but that's not how it worked out.

We told the couple we would give them $10,000 as a gift, which would include the rehearsal dinner. My son and his bride appeared to be very appreciative of our gift.

Not sure if this should be considered, but we paid for our son's education, while bride's family did not; she brought student loans into the marriage where he did not.

Times may be changing but it seems like in many cases the bride's family still takes most responsibility for the wedding (at least in my circle of family & friends); we were not given a choice.

Horsefly · Post by **Horsefly** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 3:31 pm

The529guy wrote:Encourage her to become well-educated so she and her spouse won't expect you to pay for it? (My wife and I paid for our own wedding.)

+1

We paid for everything on ours. Never asked for help, and neither set of parents offered.

annielouise · Post by **annielouise** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 3:38 pm

Our son got married 2 weeks ago. Her parents gave them a lump sum of money to use towards the wedding - I don't remember how much but $5 - $10k feels correct. We set aside money in our "strategic savings" account when they got engaged. That money comes from regular income. We paid for the cake ($700) and a family dinner ($1000) the evening of their wedding day (wedding and reception were in the AM) plus some craft supplies. We also paid for flowers ($60) but that is supposed to be repaid; I think he forgot. After they opened our card, he called to ask if we accidentally added an extra zero.

unclescrooge · Post by **unclescrooge** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 3:43 pm

I here taco bell weddings cost only $600!

wfrobinette · Post by **wfrobinette** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 3:48 pm

The529guy wrote:Whenever I see sensational news stories about the "average" cost of a wedding in the U.S., I can't help but assume that the key driver is parents' desire to keep up with the Jones by having a "socially acceptable" level of extravagance per their friends and family.

And way too many guests.

FelixTheCat · Post by **FelixTheCat** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 3:53 pm

Open a brokerage account in parents name. Buy an S&P 500 index fund. Watch it grow over the next couple of decades. Schwab has lower minimums.

Crimsontide · Post by **Crimsontide** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 3:59 pm

Yes, pay for the wedding with taxable money.

A friend gave his daughter a fixed amount and told her to keep whatever was left. Well, the daughter managed to come in under budget and was able to have a few thousand extra dollars to spend on her honeymoon.

This is exactly what we did. Amazing how quickly those "gotta haves" became "not so much". It's good to have some skin in the game

Gill · Post by **Gill** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 4:14 pm

Gave the couple $20,000 and said it is our share of the wedding and a wedding gift. Anything not spent for the wedding was the couple's to keep as a wedding gift.
Gill

stoptothink · Post by **stoptothink** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 4:18 pm

The529guy wrote:Whenever I see sensational news stories about the "average" cost of a wedding in the U.S., I can't help but assume that the key driver is parents' desire to keep up with the Jones by having a "socially acceptable" level of extravagance per their friends and family.

Absolutely. Handling the costs of our child's wedding? I have no intentions of spending a second thinking about it, it is 100% their responsibility.

tx_hombre · Post by **tx_hombre** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 4:22 pm

Thank you all for the fantastic replies so far! Wasn't sure what to expect with this question. Enjoying hearing all the perspectives here.

bottlecap · Post by **bottlecap** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 4:25 pm

tx_hombre wrote:Our oldest child is still only 5, so we have plenty of time!

But we are genuinely curious as to how those who have gone before us have handled the costs (regardless of the exact budget) of a wedding.

Are you simply withdrawing from your taxable account? How much are you planning ahead for the potential of a wedding?

I'll contribute some portion if I have the money (I should). But young folks pay for their own weddings mostly nowadays.

JT

hirlaw · Post by **hirlaw** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 4:36 pm

When our daughter was in college, I started a separate account that I actually called "___'s Wedding Account." I initially funded it with $25k and periodically added to it. When she married last summer, about 5 years after graduation, it had about $50k in it. This covered a good chunk of the wedding costs (about 50%).

My goal was not to fund the whole wedding with the fund, but to have a nice sum tucked away so I didn't have to come up with the entire amount come wedding time. Also, I excluded that account when I did my asset allocations. I knew it would be spent one day.

It was worth every penny!

mouses · Post by **mouses** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 4:39 pm

I have never understood why people pay gigantic amounts for a wedding. You could make a down payment on a house or build a nice emergency fund with the money thrown away on this. How about a potluck in someone's back yard or a local garden place that rents space.

ponyboy · Post by **ponyboy** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 4:40 pm

My inlaws gave wife $9k (was/is invested in cibcx account. Yes I know fees are high.)

We didnt sell any shares...ended up paying around $12k for wedding in total. Investment account now over $15k 7 years later. No complaints.

peetsperk · Post by **peetsperk** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 4:55 pm

According to a recent article in Fortune, the national average cost of a wedding day in 2016 was $35,329, which was up 8.2% as compared to 2015's average of $32,641. My daughter was married last June and the total cost for her wedding was approximately 27% below that national average. Either way, it's a substantial amount of money and we handled it like any other expense - we saved for it! Her mother and I agreed on a budget and my daughter managed her expenses within that budgeted amount. We utilized EXCEL to track all past, present and future expenses so there were no surprises. And on the advice of a close friend (and unbeknownst to my daughter), I held back 10% of the actual budget as a contingency to cover any surprises. As a father, it was great to watch my daughter (along with some help from her mom), manage that process. I knew we raised a young woman who understood the value of a dollar; this just reinforced it. I wouldn't change a thing. It was a wonderful day and she married a terrific guy.

tx_hombre · Post by **tx_hombre** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 5:09 pm

dccboone wrote:According to a recent article in Fortune, the national average cost of a wedding day in 2016 was $35,329, which was up 8.2% as compared to 2015's average of $32,641. My daughter was married last June and the total cost for her wedding was approximately 27% below that national average. Either way, it's a substantial amount of money and we handled it like any other expense - we saved for it! Her mother and I agreed on a budget and my daughter managed her expenses within that budgeted amount. We utilized EXCEL to track all past, present and future expenses so there were no surprises. And on the advice of a close friend (and unbeknownst to my daughter), I held back 10% of the actual budget as a contingency to cover any surprises. As a father, it was great to watch my daughter (along with some help from her mom), manage that process. I knew we raised a young woman who understood the value of a dollar; this just reinforced it. I wouldn't change a thing. It was a wonderful day and she married a terrific guy.

This is awesome on so many levels. Thank you for the response!

tx_hombre · Post by **tx_hombre** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 5:10 pm

hirlaw wrote:When our daughter was in college, I started a separate account that I actually called "___'s Wedding Account." I initially funded it with $25k and periodically added to it. When she married last summer, about 5 years after graduation, it had about $50k in it. This covered a good chunk of the wedding costs (about 50%).

My goal was not to fund the whole wedding with the fund, but to have a nice sum tucked away so I didn't have to come up with the entire amount come wedding time. Also, I excluded that account when I did my asset allocations. I knew it would be spent one day.

It was worth every penny!

Great point about keeping this outside of your asset allocation if you know you'll be spending it. Thank you for your response here!