Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans? (Update, Pg 3)

Questions on how we spend our money and our time - consumer goods and services, home and vehicle, leisure and recreational activities
Onion
Posts: 100
Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2012 7:21 pm

Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans? (Update, Pg 3)

Post by Onion » Wed May 18, 2016 3:45 pm

My mother will be moving in with us soon. We knew this was inevitable, but never imagined it would happen this soon. I'm feeling a little out of sorts about it all and have been reading as much as I can here and elsewhere. However, every situation seems unique and so, I'm here to ask for advice.

Here are details that may be pertinent:

*She has about $15K saved. No retirement.
*Her modest car is newer and is paid off.
*She will get $1500/month from social security.
*She will be looking into Obamacare for health insurance, as it seems that is her only option until 65.
*Expenses she will be paying for: her car insurance and any related car expenses, cell phone, and health insurance.

My questions range and I would love advice from those who have had a parent move in at a young age and in good health. Did you ask for any rent; i.e. $100/month to cover food, water, electricity, etc.? Did you get your siblings involved at all to help with anything? Any resentment? Anything we should plan for ahead of time?

As always, I appreciate any feedback.
Last edited by Onion on Thu Feb 09, 2017 2:16 pm, edited 3 times in total.

furnace
Posts: 284
Joined: Tue Oct 20, 2015 3:38 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by furnace » Wed May 18, 2016 3:48 pm

How does your wife feel? Does your mom have a high school sweetheart who might be trying to find her?

User avatar
dm200
Posts: 18907
Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2007 2:21 pm
Location: Washington DC area

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by dm200 » Wed May 18, 2016 3:58 pm

Onion wrote:My mother will be moving in with us soon. We knew this was inevitable, but never imagined it would happen this soon. I'm feeling a little out of sorts about it all and have been reading as much as I can here and elsewhere. However, every situation seems unique and so, I'm here to ask for advice.
Here are details that may be pertinent:
*She has about $15K saved. No retirement.
*Her modest car is newer and is paid off.
*She will get $1500/month from social security.
*She will be looking into Obamacare for health insurance, as it seems that is her only option until 65.
*Expenses she will be paying for: her car insurance and any related car expenses, cell phone, and health insurance.
My questions range and I would love advice from those who have had a parent move in at a young age and in good health. Did you ask for any rent; i.e. $100/month to cover food, water, electricity, etc.? Did you get your siblings involved at all to help with anything? Any resentment? Anything we should plan for ahead of time?
As always, I appreciate any feedback.
Good Luck! I wish you well.
A few thoughts:
1. What is precipitating the move?
2. The time (it seems to me) to ask for and/or "discuss" a financial contribution towards living costs is NOW rather than later. (for a lot of both financial and non-financial reasons)
3. Obamacare may not be available (with a subsidy) because she may be too "poor" to qualify for a subsidy. Are there any other (even shorter term) answers, such as COBRA?
4. Look into any and all "senior" programs, subsidies, discounts, etc, available in your locality
5. What is your living situation? own, rent, condo, single family house, townhouse, etc,??
6. Grandchildren?
7. Other siblings? if so, try to "involve" them to some degree at least.

Some such situations work well, while others are a real PITA - and those usually get worse with time.
Does your mom have a high school sweetheart who might be trying to find her?
Look into this ;)

delamer
Posts: 6410
Joined: Tue Feb 08, 2011 6:13 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by delamer » Wed May 18, 2016 4:01 pm

My grandmother lived with my parents and me for about 20 years. She was in a similar financial situation to your mother.

My grandmother's other children did not contribute to her upkeep. However, she did give my parents a portion of her SS check each month. The $100 a month seems awfully low to me, especially given her her $1500/month income. The one mitigating factor might be the cost of her health insurance.

I'd be inclined to ask for a larger contribution to household expenses (and factor in some inflation adjustment), and maybe put a portion of that away for her future (for instance, a move to assisted living), assuming that you don't need the cash.

Just remember that your spouse needs to be your primary relationship, and is probably the one being most burdened by having your mother move in. You need to be respectful of that.

Good luck!

Chadnudj
Posts: 730
Joined: Tue Oct 29, 2013 11:22 am

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by Chadnudj » Wed May 18, 2016 4:17 pm

Just stopping by to say that I'll be interested in following this post, for personal reasons (my parents dealt with it some with my grandmother; I feel I may deal with it soon with my mom)

One suggestion might be to make sure you have things like power of attorney, etc. for your mother now as part of her moving in.

I'd also discuss with her the issue of rent/food expenses. Maybe arrange something where she pays her health insurance (although at that income I imagine she'd be close to Medicaid eligibility?)/cell phone/car insurance out of the $1500 per month SS, and then whatever is left gets divided 3 ways - 1/3 into a savings/investment account (for her), 1/3 to her for spending on whatever she wants (dinners out, gifts, etc.), and 1/3 to you as rent (particularly if your other siblings aren't helping out). Once she gets eligible for Medicare, the health insurance will drop off and she'll have more money for her savings/her spending/your rent....ditto as her SS adjusts upwards with inflation.

I'd also discuss things like your social life (if you have friends over, is she going to be hanging out too or back doing her own thing), use of common areas (i.e. who has control of the living room TV? Will there be a TV in her room? If she wants to have friends over, how does that work?), and even chores (she's part of the household now, so she should cook X number of nights a week, or be responsible for XYZ chores, etc.)

The most important thing to do, though, is to talk as much as possible ahead of time about expectations/responsibilities/arrangements, and also to continue to talk regularly about those things as life evolves with her living with you (maybe even a monthly "family" meeting to discuss how things are going?)

Onion
Posts: 100
Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2012 7:21 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by Onion » Wed May 18, 2016 5:25 pm

Thank you for all the thoughts. It gives me a lot to think about.

I should point out, I have a very good relationship with my mother. We mesh well and I can deal with a lot of her quirks and she mine. My spouse and her have a good relationship, too. However, it doesn't change the fact that this is a huge change and there are aspects that do concern me.
furnace wrote:How does your wife feel? Does your mom have a high school sweetheart who might be trying to find her?
I'm the wife and my spouse is EXTREMELY supportive. It helps that we both knew this was coming at some point in the future; we discussed it at length over the course of our relationship. Thanks for the chuckle. :happy
dm200 wrote:
Onion wrote:My mother will be moving in with us soon. We knew this was inevitable, but never imagined it would happen this soon. I'm feeling a little out of sorts about it all and have been reading as much as I can here and elsewhere. However, every situation seems unique and so, I'm here to ask for advice.
Here are details that may be pertinent:
*She has about $15K saved. No retirement.
*Her modest car is newer and is paid off.
*She will get $1500/month from social security.
*She will be looking into Obamacare for health insurance, as it seems that is her only option until 65.
*Expenses she will be paying for: her car insurance and any related car expenses, cell phone, and health insurance.
My questions range and I would love advice from those who have had a parent move in at a young age and in good health. Did you ask for any rent; i.e. $100/month to cover food, water, electricity, etc.? Did you get your siblings involved at all to help with anything? Any resentment? Anything we should plan for ahead of time?
As always, I appreciate any feedback.
Good Luck! I wish you well.
A few thoughts:

(MOVED TO RESPONSE)

Some such situations work well, while others are a real PITA - and those usually get worse with time.
Does your mom have a high school sweetheart who might be trying to find her?
Look into this ;)

1. What is precipitating the move? My dad passed away (unexpectedly).
2. The time (it seems to me) to ask for and/or "discuss" a financial contribution towards living costs is NOW rather than later. (for a lot of both financial and non-financial reasons) Something to think about, thanks.
3. Obamacare may not be available (with a subsidy) because she may be too "poor" to qualify for a subsidy. Are there any other (even shorter term) answers, such as COBRA? COBRA is out of the question, as it is too high. Hmm, I will have to delve deeper into Obamacare.
4. Look into any and all "senior" programs, subsidies, discounts, etc, available in your locality. Will do.
5. What is your living situation? own, rent, condo, single family house, townhouse, etc,?? We are a family of four living in a large enough single family home that we have 12 more years to pay. We did buy this home knowing one of my parents would have to live with us, but again, we didn't expect it this soon.
6. Grandchildren? She has many, including my two young children.
7. Other siblings? if so, try to "involve" them to some degree at least. Yes, several. No way to say this without sounding horribly pompous, but I have always been the one to think about my parent's situation. It has pained me for many years. I have gotten very little input over the last few years when I've asked for opinions, help, etc. It's just a difficult thing to address once again.
Chadnudj wrote:Just stopping by to say that I'll be interested in following this post, for personal reasons (my parents dealt with it some with my grandmother; I feel I may deal with it soon with my mom)

One suggestion might be to make sure you have things like power of attorney, etc. for your mother now as part of her moving in.

I'd also discuss with her the issue of rent/food expenses. Maybe arrange something where she pays her health insurance (although at that income I imagine she'd be close to Medicaid eligibility?)/cell phone/car insurance out of the $1500 per month SS, and then whatever is left gets divided 3 ways - 1/3 into a savings/investment account (for her), 1/3 to her for spending on whatever she wants (dinners out, gifts, etc.), and 1/3 to you as rent (particularly if your other siblings aren't helping out). Once she gets eligible for Medicare, the health insurance will drop off and she'll have more money for her savings/her spending/your rent....ditto as her SS adjusts upwards with inflation.

I'd also discuss things like your social life (if you have friends over, is she going to be hanging out too or back doing her own thing), use of common areas (i.e. who has control of the living room TV? Will there be a TV in her room? If she wants to have friends over, how does that work?), and even chores (she's part of the household now, so she should cook X number of nights a week, or be responsible for XYZ chores, etc.)

The most important thing to do, though, is to talk as much as possible ahead of time about expectations/responsibilities/arrangements, and also to continue to talk regularly about those things as life evolves with her living with you (maybe even a monthly "family" meeting to discuss how things are going?)
We did discuss POA and that will happen. Thanks for the practical suggestion on how to suggest she save/budget.

We have been discussing often how there will be issues that arise and how we will ALL need to communicate openly. I love the "family meeting" idea as that is something my dad did with us as children and I think she would really love the idea of it. Thank you!
delamer wrote:My grandmother lived with my parents and me for about 20 years. She was in a similar financial situation to your mother.

<snip>

Just remember that your spouse needs to be your primary relationship, and is probably the one being most burdened by having your mother move in. You need to be respectful of that.

Good luck!
Did you love growing up with your grandmother? Was it something you think fondly on now?

Thanks for the thoughts about my spouse. I agree with you.

delamer
Posts: 6410
Joined: Tue Feb 08, 2011 6:13 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by delamer » Wed May 18, 2016 6:06 pm

"Did you love growing up with your grandmother? Was it something you think fondly on now?"


I'd say that I am mostly neutral regarding having had my grandmother live with us. I don't resent it, but I don't consider myself fortunate either. From the perspective of my adulthood, my father was the one who was the most adversely affected (living with his MIL). There is just a lack of privacy that isn't ideal. This was exacerbated in our situation because my grandmother virtually never left the house -- no friends, no hobbies, no work. She moved from a large city where she had friends and lots of places to walk to, to the suburbs with no car.

So I guess one piece of advice would be to encourage your mother to develop (or continue) a life outside the house. It will benefit both her and the rest of the family.

I am sorry about your father.

User avatar
htdrag11
Posts: 1115
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2011 9:22 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by htdrag11 » Wed May 18, 2016 6:58 pm

Not sure if it's feasible, but is it possible to get financial support from your siblings at a minimum since they need to on up their shares?

If you don't ask, you don't get. Older people tend to get sick, sooner or later.

User avatar
Christine_NM
Posts: 2636
Joined: Tue Feb 20, 2007 1:13 am
Location: New Mexico

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by Christine_NM » Wed May 18, 2016 7:10 pm

My mother moved in with me when she was 73. We tried a lot of combinations of responsibilities, but quickly found that what worked best was for each of us to be as independent of the other as possible. It was OK to share the physical space, but it did not change the fact that we each had different habits. So we needed to respect each other's privacy and sometimes it was awkward.

She picked up the gas, electric and water bills, about $250 a month. No other rent or obligation.

The only bad part was that I could see her slowly losing capacity over the years. She lived to nearly 90 and was pretty happy but sometimes enjoyed complaining too. That takes getting used to.
17% cash 47% stock 36% bond. Retired, w/d rate 2.85%

User avatar
alec
Posts: 2971
Joined: Fri Mar 02, 2007 2:15 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by alec » Wed May 18, 2016 7:19 pm

I think the family meeting to set expectations is a great move. My friends (parents of four in their 40s) had one of their mothers move in with them. My friend's therapist had a great quote: "Remember you and your mother are both adults now."

FWIW, my grandmother lived on almost only social security after my grandfather died, and rented a small apartment near my parent's house for 15 years. She was very frugal and had a big emergency fund. Not a suggestion, but just that lots of senior citizens live by themselves on only social security.
"It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends upon his not understanding it!" - Upton Sinclair

Drelk3
Posts: 21
Joined: Sat May 28, 2011 8:27 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by Drelk3 » Wed May 18, 2016 7:22 pm

My gut response was a bit different. Did you pay room and board when you were living with your mother? Will the additional costs of your mother living with you cause your family financial hardship? Will she be providing you with any childcare or babysitting assistance? If you vacation will she be at home taking care of pets, plants, etc.? If I were to move in with my children and had discretionary income, I would pay for restaurant dinners on occasion; would pay for the items if asked to stop and pick something up at the supermarket, etc. I would want to help as much as I could. Since you say you have such a good relationship with your mother, I would say things would largely depend on your family financial situation. If it were me, I'd feel kind of funny asking my mother to pay room and board after all she and my father had done for me over the years.

renue74
Posts: 1199
Joined: Tue Apr 07, 2015 7:24 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by renue74 » Wed May 18, 2016 7:45 pm

I'm also interested in this thread.

My mom is 64 and is almost like yours. She got an unexpected divorce from her 2nd husband about 2 years ago and retired at 62....taking early SS and a early payout of her 401(k)...all the things not to do.

I think her SS is $900/month and she probably has less than $10K in assets and rents.

I will say that she only pays $55/month for Obamacare.

At some point there was "talk" among her sisters that I "should" buy her a $150K house and I tried to explain to her that was not an option. Money management in my family is weak to non-existent. I know at some point she will live with us, which will be about the same time we would have become empty nesters as our kids go off to college.

Keep us updated on this!

delamer
Posts: 6410
Joined: Tue Feb 08, 2011 6:13 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by delamer » Wed May 18, 2016 8:05 pm

renue74 wrote:I'm also interested in this thread.

My mom is 64 and is almost like yours. She got an unexpected divorce from her 2nd husband about 2 years ago and retired at 62....taking early SS and a early payout of her 401(k)...all the things not to do.

I think her SS is $900/month and she probably has less than $10K in assets and rents.

I will say that she only pays $55/month for Obamacare.

At some point there was "talk" among her sisters that I "should" buy her a $150K house and I tried to explain to her that was not an option. Money management in my family is weak to non-existent. I know at some point she will live with us, which will be about the same time we would have become empty nesters as our kids go off to college.

Keep us updated on this!

I am about the same age as your mother and the OP's mother, and my husband and I are still putting are kids through college (which we are privileged to be able to do).

It is amazing how different people's lives turn out...

User avatar
joe8d
Posts: 4297
Joined: Tue Feb 20, 2007 8:27 pm
Location: Buffalo,NY

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by joe8d » Wed May 18, 2016 8:07 pm

Drelk3 wrote:My gut response was a bit different. Did you pay room and board when you were living with your mother? Will the additional costs of your mother living with you cause your family financial hardship? Will she be providing you with any childcare or babysitting assistance? If you vacation will she be at home taking care of pets, plants, etc.? If I were to move in with my children and had discretionary income, I would pay for restaurant dinners on occasion; would pay for the items if asked to stop and pick something up at the supermarket, etc. I would want to help as much as I could. Since you say you have such a good relationship with your mother, I would say things would largely depend on your family financial situation. If it were me, I'd feel kind of funny asking my mother to pay room and board after all she and my father had done for me over the years.
:thumbsup
All the Best, | Joe

btenny
Posts: 4623
Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2007 6:47 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by btenny » Wed May 18, 2016 8:12 pm

I'm sorry you lost your Dad so quickly. I have some questions that might help trigger a path to proceed and some help.

What was your Dad and Moms living situation? I gather they rented and now your Mom cannot afford the rent. Correct? Is you Mom's rent paid and for how long? Is her place under lease and will she be able to leave the lease with no extra costs or lose her rent deposit?

Did your Dad own a car? Is that going to be sold and for how much?

What work did your Dad do that has no life insurance and no pension? Or is the $15K you mention her widows benefit and some savings?

Most union guys get at least a small death benefit. Same for many small companies, they have a small death benefit built into their health insurance and benefit package. Have you ask your Dad's old employer this question?

What did your mom do all day before now?

Did she ever work or just not recently? What is she qualified to do if she were to go back to work?

Did she or does she go to a local church? Does the church have an open secretary job? A network of people who help people in need for things like jobs?

Can she do baby siting in the short run for you to reduce your expenses and time load? Can she work at a kid pre-school or day care center?

Can she cook and clean your house to reduce your workload and to cover some of her time?

Have you talked to your Mom about going to work (or back to work somewhere)? If she is healthy she can find a job. It may not pay much but she can sure do stuff. There are tons of small businesses looking for people who are responsible. Think dentist offices or law office or medical office or cooking jobs or clerks for insurance offices or ?? IMO the key issue is she needs to find something to do all day besides setting around your home.

Has your Mom or you checked into state Medicaid insurance? I am pretty sure your Mom will qualify for free medical through your state. I don't know the details but call around. Same for old folks benefits. I am sure she qualifies for lots of things.

Plus remember, she is already getting $1500 per month and that is a good amount. That plus a small job and some state benefits might be enough to allow her to live independently. Cheer up. She is healthy and others are a lot worse off.

Just thinking.
Good Luck.

Katie
Posts: 59
Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2014 1:09 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by Katie » Wed May 18, 2016 8:28 pm

Lots of practical advice, especially on financial issues, so I don't have much to add there. You mentioned your husband was supportive, which is a good thing, but I'd strongly recommend making an extra effort to have some alone time with him, since it is inevitable there will be some loss of privacy. Make the effort to have regular date nights or other time when you can be alone and make him a priority.

Expectations will play a big part in how this all works out. Do you have similar ideas about whether you'll eat meals together, who will cook, will you be together in the evenings for entertainment or will people watch tv or read in different rooms. Be clear on what her role is or will be with respect to your children. Will she do any baby sitting? Will you be mad if she corrects or disciplines the kids? Make sure you have some alone time with them too.

And kudos for taking the lead on making sure your Mom is ok. I hope this all works out for both of you.

earlyout
Posts: 1362
Joined: Tue Feb 20, 2007 5:24 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by earlyout » Wed May 18, 2016 8:44 pm

Don't overlook the idea of being able to claim your mother as an additional dependent on your income tax return. I suggest you look over the rules for claiming her as a dependent and then try not to structure any financial arrangement with you mother that would jeopardize being able to satisfy those requirements.

User avatar
grabiner
Advisory Board
Posts: 23117
Joined: Tue Feb 20, 2007 11:58 pm
Location: Columbia, MD

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by grabiner » Wed May 18, 2016 9:44 pm

earlyout wrote:Don't overlook the idea of being able to claim your mother as an additional dependent on your income tax return. I suggest you look over the rules for claiming her as a dependent and then try not to structure any financial arrangement with you mother that would jeopardize being able to satisfy those requirements.
As long as you are married, this isn't worth that much; in a 25% tax bracket, a $4050 deduction for a dependent is a tax savings of $1013. If you are unmarried, having a dependent parent makes a big tax difference if it allows you to file as head of household.
Wiki David Grabiner

clacy
Posts: 109
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2011 8:50 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by clacy » Wed May 18, 2016 9:50 pm

Can she not work and support herself? 62 and in good health seems way too early for a parent to move in, in this day and age.

Even if she moves in with you, I think you should require her to work some, or at least heavily contribute to the family in some form.

User avatar
dodecahedron
Posts: 3807
Joined: Tue Nov 12, 2013 12:28 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by dodecahedron » Wed May 18, 2016 9:58 pm

grabiner wrote:
earlyout wrote:Don't overlook the idea of being able to claim your mother as an additional dependent on your income tax return. I suggest you look over the rules for claiming her as a dependent and then try not to structure any financial arrangement with you mother that would jeopardize being able to satisfy those requirements.
As long as you are married, this isn't worth that much; in a 25% tax bracket, a $4050 deduction for a dependent is a tax savings of $1013. If you are unmarried, having a dependent parent makes a big tax difference if it allows you to file as head of household.
Also, it could be very costly if your mother qualifies as your dependent, because this would rule out the possibility of ACA subsidies. (Taxpayers who are NOT dependents can get ACA subsidies based on their own income alone. If she is your dependent, then qualification for subsidies would be based on the household income, not just hers.)

So, you should give careful consideration to setting up financial arrangements to make sure that your mother does NOT qualify as your dependent. The most straightforward way to do that in your family's situation is to make sure that she is contributing more than 50% of her own support.

Here is the IRS worksheet for determining support percentage:

https://apps.irs.gov/app/vita/content/g ... t_4012.pdf

rgs92
Posts: 2277
Joined: Mon Mar 02, 2009 8:00 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by rgs92 » Wed May 18, 2016 11:08 pm

I would rather get her a small apartment and pay for it, or maybe even put her in a roommate situation with another woman in her age bracket.
Better to do this than disrupt your life.

Ron Ronnerson
Posts: 999
Joined: Sat Oct 26, 2013 6:53 pm
Location: Bay Area

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by Ron Ronnerson » Wed May 18, 2016 11:50 pm

My mom lived with my wife and me from the time she was 62 to 67. She moved out two years ago. My dad passed away a number of years ago and my mom didn't have enough saved, particularly after the drop in her investments during the last recession, to be able to afford a place on her own any longer. She tried roommates a couple of times but that didn't work out all that well.

So we looked at all the options we could think of and decided it was better for us to have her move in. During the time she lived with us, it was pretty stressful. There was constant tension during the time but I communicated with my wife often and we agreed that she would let me know when she just couldn't take it any more so that we could look at alternatives (I didn't want to lose my marriage over the situation even though I knew it would place a strain on it). During those 5 years, the economy recovered, my mom began getting social security, she became eligible for Medicare, and then we were able to finally find her a place to live that was at a reduced rate based on her low income.

We figured it was better that my mom move in when she could still help a bit financially rather than completely run out of money and then move in to our small two-bedroom apartment which we were living in at the time. Due to her help, we were able to purchase a townhome that was big enough for everyone and she was able to pay considerably less money than she had been at her apartment.

My mom ended up moving out at 67 because she just couldn't deal with the stairs anymore. However, at that point, her financial situation had improved and she probably has enough money now to last another 10-20 years. If she had continued to live in her old apartment, she would pretty much be out of money by now.

During the time since she's moved out, we've become parents and it worries me if my mom were unable to take care of herself as we don't want to go back to living together again. Our home is quite stress free these days and my wife and I would like to keep it that way for our daughter. My sister and her family live nearby and my sister doesn't want my mom to live with them either. So it's a tough situation.

In our case, I am really glad that my mom moved in with us when she did as it allowed her to stabilize her situation. If she hadn't done it then, she'd probably be moving in any day now and I'm not sure how it could've worked with 4 of us (mom, wife, me, and the kid) in small quarters. My wife, by the way, is a saint for agreeing to live with her mother-in-law for so long and I never forget that.

I think if you have a good relationship with your mom, that makes a huge difference. I would just try to make sure everyone has enough space and privacy (which can be a challenge at times for sure) and definitely keep communication open with your spouse. It should be an on-going conversation so just touch base often.

Wish you the best,
Ron

island
Posts: 1728
Joined: Tue Jul 23, 2013 1:45 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by island » Wed May 18, 2016 11:58 pm

I too follow this thread with interest.
Wow, 62 is so young.....to be living with adult children! I can't even imagine it, especially since she's only a few years older than myself and I work full time and still happy to do so. I take it the reason she's moving in is purely for financial reasons? If she is healthy, able bodied, is she working, willing to work, if not, why not?
If your adult children wanted to move back home would you expect them to pay rent, or contribute to the household? I imagine you and most Bogleheads would and maybe your mom should too. Obviously I don't know the situation, I just keep thinking she’s only 62!
Hope whatever you decide works out.

User avatar
celia
Posts: 8611
Joined: Sun Mar 09, 2008 6:32 am
Location: SoCal

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by celia » Thu May 19, 2016 12:26 am

Don't forget to discuss 'boundaries' with her. Will she be allowed to go in any room, including bathroom, when she wants? Will she have her own bedroom and bathroom and parking spot? Will she be responsible for keeping them clean and organized? Can she do yard work? Dishes? Cooking? Laundry? Will she have a say in TV shows?

I suggest she have some jobs around the house so that everyone has a fair share. Will she be able to invite visitors to your house? During certain hours?

Also write down what she is and isn't responsible for financially: meds, out of pocket med expenses, dental, vision, cell phone bills, meals away, mandatory car insurance and repairs, gas, trips, gifts to relatives.

(edited for spelling)
Last edited by celia on Sun May 22, 2016 10:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
A dollar in Roth is worth more than a dollar in a taxable account. A dollar in taxable is worth more than a dollar in a tax-deferred account.

novicemoney
Posts: 261
Joined: Fri Aug 01, 2014 10:36 am

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by novicemoney » Thu May 19, 2016 3:29 am

If you have the means to expand your house this may a way of accomadating your mother. Maybe increase the bedroom she will live in with an attached half bath and additional space to include a "den" for a TV and a small desk. I suggest this because it seems helpful for everyone to have their own "space" so people are not tripping over each other and where there are boundaries where people can go to have some privacy. We remodeled our home before my MIL moved in. She got our old master bedroom with a separate 1/2 bath and a small walk in closet. We built a new bedroom upstairs with a study/den and everybody gets to retreat to their space when they need to. It is not the cheapest alternative but we are glad we did it.

Onion
Posts: 100
Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2012 7:21 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by Onion » Thu May 19, 2016 7:12 am

I'm so grateful for all the responses; thank you.

The situation is tough, as it can be with family. My mother (and father) had a very rough life from a very young age and it continued until my dad passed away recently. She has worked hard her entire life, often having multiple jobs at the same time, never having a break, both physically and mentally. She raised all of us children, while working and without help, and she was a caretaker for many years as well. She is exhausted. Life is short and if my mother only lives a few more years (no indication this is the case), I want to know that she had a few years of joy and easy living. I know the easy answer is to suggest she work and maybe we're dumb for not going this route, but it isn't that easy and I want to avoid it if possible.

I appreciate all the practical suggestions on things to discuss, including expectations, date nights, etc. It definitely gives me a lot to think about. We have all committed to being honest and open. If we can keep to that, I think it will make everything a little easier.

I will not know much for the next couple of months, but I will do my best to update this post for others who are in this situation.
Drelk3 wrote:My gut response was a bit different. Did you pay room and board when you were living with your mother? Will the additional costs of your mother living with you cause your family financial hardship? Will she be providing you with any childcare or babysitting assistance? If you vacation will she be at home taking care of pets, plants, etc.? If I were to move in with my children and had discretionary income, I would pay for restaurant dinners on occasion; would pay for the items if asked to stop and pick something up at the supermarket, etc. I would want to help as much as I could. Since you say you have such a good relationship with your mother, I would say things would largely depend on your family financial situation. If it were me, I'd feel kind of funny asking my mother to pay room and board after all she and my father had done for me over the years.
Thank you so much for bringing this up. You've hit on part of the struggle. She is my mother; how can I charge her rent or even suggest she help out when we will be fine? On the other hand, I'm a petulant child having a temper tantrum, "THIS ISN'T FAIR!" and "WHY ISN'T ANYONE ELSE HELPING?" The reality is, I know many cultures do this in much smaller living spaces and I know how very fortunate I am. I need to remind myself of this more.
dodecahedron wrote:
Also, it could be very costly if your mother qualifies as your dependent, because this would rule out the possibility of ACA subsidies. (Taxpayers who are NOT dependents can get ACA subsidies based on their own income alone. If she is your dependent, then qualification for subsidies would be based on the household income, not just hers.)

So, you should give careful consideration to setting up financial arrangements to make sure that your mother does NOT qualify as your dependent. The most straightforward way to do that in your family's situation is to make sure that she is contributing more than 50% of her own support.
Thank you. I did look into claiming her and it wasn't an option. I didn't realize it would rule out ACA subsidies, which would not make it worth doing anyway.
Ron Ronnerson wrote:My mom lived with my wife and me from the time she was 62 to 67. She moved out two years ago. My dad passed away a number of years ago and my mom didn't have enough saved, particularly after the drop in her investments during the last recession, to be able to afford a place on her own any longer. She tried roommates a couple of times but that didn't work out all that well.

<snipped to avoid a longer post>

In our case, I am really glad that my mom moved in with us when she did as it allowed her to stabilize her situation. If she hadn't done it then, she'd probably be moving in any day now and I'm not sure how it could've worked with 4 of us (mom, wife, me, and the kid) in small quarters. My wife, by the way, is a saint for agreeing to live with her mother-in-law for so long and I never forget that.

I think if you have a good relationship with your mom, that makes a huge difference. I would just try to make sure everyone has enough space and privacy (which can be a challenge at times for sure) and definitely keep communication open with your spouse. It should be an on-going conversation so just touch base often.

Wish you the best,
Ron
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It helps to hear from others who have done this. Sometimes my mind gets stuck on the idea that this exact arrangement must be "forever"; it is nice to hear how you made changes to suit what was best for your family.

User avatar
gardemanger
Posts: 282
Joined: Sun Oct 13, 2013 4:06 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by gardemanger » Thu May 19, 2016 7:46 am

She has worked hard her entire life, often having multiple jobs at the same time, never having a break, both physically and mentally. She raised all of us children, while working and without help, and she was a caretaker for many years as well. She is exhausted. Life is short and if my mother only lives a few more years (no indication this is the case), I want to know that she had a few years of joy and easy living. I know the easy answer is to suggest she work and maybe we're dumb for not going this route, but it isn't that easy and I want to avoid it if possible.
A thought. My mom likes to say that she "failed retirement," meaning that there was a date on which she allegedly "retired" but somehow she has continued working ever since, although on a more part-time and occasional basis. Many older folks who have always worked, who are used to working, etc. wind up feeling at loose ends when they try to retire and decide to go back to either paid work or volunteering. I'd just say to leave the door open to the possibility of her going back to work in the future - maybe she can "take a break" for a time while she decides what she wants to do, and if she does want to go back to work, she needn't feel pressured to take a job that's too hard/stressful and can hold out for something she'd enjoy more, like part-time in a quiet shop or something.

mega317
Posts: 2557
Joined: Tue Apr 19, 2016 10:55 am

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by mega317 » Thu May 19, 2016 8:40 am

With regards to a family meeting to "set expectations", I wouldn't approach it as "these are my expectations of you if you're going to live here." It needs to be a two way conversation or she might feel attacked from the start. If you haven't discussed details yet, for all you know she expects to do all of the cooking/cleaning/driving kids around/shopping/etc. Find our HER expectations first.

ktd
Posts: 164
Joined: Mon Mar 10, 2014 8:19 am

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by ktd » Thu May 19, 2016 8:52 am

clacy wrote:Can she not work and support herself? 62 and in good health seems way too early for a parent to move in, in this day and age.

Even if she moves in with you, I think you should require her to work some, or at least heavily contribute to the family in some form.
This is his MOM! OMG, we will never be in her situation but we would be so sad if our kids think like you.

rgs92 wrote:I would rather get her a small apartment and pay for it, or maybe even put her in a roommate situation with another woman in her age bracket.
Better to do this than disrupt your life.
Wow, most parents work so hard to support their kids and this is what they get in return?

User avatar
celia
Posts: 8611
Joined: Sun Mar 09, 2008 6:32 am
Location: SoCal

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by celia » Thu May 19, 2016 9:41 am

If your mother has worked her whole life, the idea of still having a job should definitely be discussed. Not only may the exta income/savings come in handy in a health emergency, but the social interaction with others would be good for her while you are at work. It can be depressing to be left at home with no-one around each day, especially her husband.

Who knows? Maybe she can find health insurance coverage too.
A dollar in Roth is worth more than a dollar in a taxable account. A dollar in taxable is worth more than a dollar in a tax-deferred account.

clacy
Posts: 109
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2011 8:50 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by clacy » Thu May 19, 2016 1:43 pm

ktd wrote:
clacy wrote:Can she not work and support herself? 62 and in good health seems way too early for a parent to move in, in this day and age.

Even if she moves in with you, I think you should require her to work some, or at least heavily contribute to the family in some form.
This is his MOM! OMG, we will never be in her situation but we would be so sad if our kids think like you.

rgs92 wrote:I would rather get her a small apartment and pay for it, or maybe even put her in a roommate situation with another woman in her age bracket.
Better to do this than disrupt your life.
Wow, most parents work so hard to support their kids and this is what they get in return?
Do you not see the difference between "working hard to support kids" and supporting an able bodied adult?

I work my tail end off to support my 3 kids, but I would never consider burdening their families at age 62 by moving in with them unless I physically/mentally couldn't work.

I'm not trying to bash his mother, but I don't think it's ridiculous to ask that they contribute, just as I would ask an adult child to contribute who moved back in with me.

stoptothink
Posts: 4523
Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 9:53 am

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by stoptothink » Thu May 19, 2016 2:19 pm

My in-laws just got their home under contract and are moving in with us in a few weeks. My FIL, a chirporactor by trade, has (at the age of 55) over $200k in school debt from completing his education ~20yrs ago - don't ask me how, but he has no intentions of paying anymore than he legally has to. His practice has been cashflow negative the last several years and he has taken up odd-jobs (selling cars, working at a grocery store) just to pay their mortgage. From what I know, outside of the school debt, they have some credit card debt (how much, I don't know), a used car which is falling apart but that they still owe quite a bit on, and a few thousand total between savings and a taxable retirement account (with Edward Jones :shock:). They should be netting ~$80k from the sale of their home, which I have begged them to just sit on. Another consideration is that they will get next to nothing from SS; my MIL has worked a total of about 6-months in her life (when she was 18) and my FIL has never made much (he didn't start his "professional" career until he was nearly 40) and whatever they are to get will (I believe) garnished to pay his school loans. We have told them that we will do just about anything to make sure they are taken care of throughout the rest of their life, but we are done giving them money (which has been happening regularly the last 3yrs) - hence, why they are moving in.

The good news:
-The reason we finally convinced my FIL to close his practice is because my wife was able to talk her boss into giving him a shot at a sales position - my wife is an amazing salesman.
-Starting soon his income could be $60-120k/yr...as long as he produces. Even the bottom range is more than he has ever made.

The bad news:
-FIL thinks he is now going to be rich, and instead of planning to stay with us long-term, they are now looking at buying a new home, WAY out of their price range, and ~40min away from us and their office...because they can get "more home for their money" :oops:
-We've offered to pay MIL to watch our kids, which would bring in income and frankly give her something to do. We currently pay ~1600/month for full-time care for 2, we've offered her $1k/month and she would do it in our home and we cover all costs. She insists they plan on buying soon, so this isn't an option.
-There is also grandpa involved. FIL's dad lives in a senior home, in-laws currently are his primary care providers. They plan on moving him to facility close to us - while they intend on moving ~40min away, leaving us to tend for him (they keep saying this is not the expectation)
-This move would require them to purchase another car, to take care of grandpa, go to the grocery store (closest would be literally 20+min away), etc.
-He has zero sales experience and frankly we both have little optimism that he'll succeed.
-My wife's siblings are all wrecks - living with their own in-laws with multiple kids, etc. so we are on our own.

I have little to offer other than we are trying to figure the same thing out. For the time being, we are not going to charge them rent, for food, etc. - we had hoped that a trade-off would be help with childcare, but MIL isn't game. We are hoping that we can use the time to convince them not to buy another home, at least not one far away and that they can not afford, but we are not confident we can. We wouldn't mind at all if they lived with us permanently.

Resentment? Yes, it is absolutely getting there. After handing them money and watching them use it to go on vacations, buy new toys, etc. while they continue to go deeper and deeper in debt I am done. My wife has been very upfront in that the moneystream is done, we offer them nothing else but a roof - they can take it or leave it. I am hoping for the best, but am not optimistic.

rooms222
Posts: 334
Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2013 2:12 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by rooms222 » Thu May 19, 2016 3:32 pm

What state are you in, did your state participate in Medicaid expansion? For a household of one, she is probably eligible for Medicaid in an expansion state. People with up to 138% of the Poverty Level are eligible. 138% of poverty is a MAGI of $16,394 for FY 2016. If your state did not expand Medicaid she would get a subsidy. If she applies through the Marketplace and is eligible, they will sign her up for Medicaid automatically.

Chadnudj
Posts: 730
Joined: Tue Oct 29, 2013 11:22 am

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by Chadnudj » Thu May 19, 2016 4:02 pm

Onion - my father passed away a few years ago, when my Mom was 62. She hasn't moved in, but the possibility is definitely out there (which is one reason why we're trying to push her to make better financial decisions now so that we can avoid it, since it wouldn't be good for any of us, although I'd certainly have her live with us if that was what was best). I definitely have a lot of sympathy for your situation.

A couple other thoughts:

1. You mentioned SS, but have you checked to confirm that she's taking the ideal claiming approach? I'm by no means an expert, but there might be options where she could get more by delaying (possible perhaps for a while while she lives with you/spends down the small savings on her minimal other costs), or by claiming as a widower now under your father but starting her own benefits later (at 66 or 70), which might be a possibility since it sounds like both of your parents worked. Anyways, it's definitely worth looking into, and/or asking around here at the.

2. I'd discuss part time work with your Mom, too. It'll be good for her to be out/make friends (particularly if she's moving in with you from a different city/town), help her income/savings, and also maybe give you and your husband time at home alone while she's working. And if not a job, encourage her to volunteer or do something that gives her an independent life outside of your home. It doesn't have to be strenuous, or crazy hours...just something to do that she enjoys.

3. Do you have young kids? Certainly grandmothers enjoy babysitting, and both my wife and I grew up with our grandparents around frequently/shuttling us to sports practices, etc. That could be great for you/your husband, and a wonderful relationship for your kids (a blessing in disguise).

4. I'd echo the poster who recommended exploring expanding your house. When my grandmother lived with my parents, she had her area (bedroom, bathroom, and a guest room that was turned into a den), which worked out well (it might have worked out even better if she had a small kitchenette/area for entertaining, but that wasn't really a possibility). If that's a possibility, it might be a good idea (when my wife and I move out of our condo to a house in the next 4-5 years, we're going to try to look at options where a separate mother-in-law apartment/suite could be a reality, in case we need it for my mom or her mom/dad should anything happen).

delamer
Posts: 6410
Joined: Tue Feb 08, 2011 6:13 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by delamer » Thu May 19, 2016 4:12 pm

stoptothink wrote:My in-laws just got their home under contract and are moving in with us in a few weeks. My FIL, a chirporactor by trade, has (at the age of 55) over $200k in school debt from completing his education ~20yrs ago - don't ask me how, but he has no intentions of paying anymore than he legally has to. His practice has been cashflow negative the last several years and he has taken up odd-jobs (selling cars, working at a grocery store) just to pay their mortgage. From what I know, outside of the school debt, they have some credit card debt (how much, I don't know), a used car which is falling apart but that they still owe quite a bit on, and a few thousand total between savings and a taxable retirement account (with Edward Jones :shock:). They should be netting ~$80k from the sale of their home, which I have begged them to just sit on. Another consideration is that they will get next to nothing from SS; my MIL has worked a total of about 6-months in her life (when she was 18) and my FIL has never made much (he didn't start his "professional" career until he was nearly 40) and whatever they are to get will (I believe) garnished to pay his school loans. We have told them that we will do just about anything to make sure they are taken care of throughout the rest of their life, but we are done giving them money (which has been happening regularly the last 3yrs) - hence, why they are moving in.

The good news:
-The reason we finally convinced my FIL to close his practice is because my wife was able to talk her boss into giving him a shot at a sales position - my wife is an amazing salesman.
-Starting soon his income could be $60-120k/yr...as long as he produces. Even the bottom range is more than he has ever made.

The bad news:
-FIL thinks he is now going to be rich, and instead of planning to stay with us long-term, they are now looking at buying a new home, WAY out of their price range, and ~40min away from us and their office...because they can get "more home for their money" :oops:
-We've offered to pay MIL to watch our kids, which would bring in income and frankly give her something to do. We currently pay ~1600/month for full-time care for 2, we've offered her $1k/month and she would do it in our home and we cover all costs. She insists they plan on buying soon, so this isn't an option.
-There is also grandpa involved. FIL's dad lives in a senior home, in-laws currently are his primary care providers. They plan on moving him to facility close to us - while they intend on moving ~40min away, leaving us to tend for him (they keep saying this is not the expectation)
-This move would require them to purchase another car, to take care of grandpa, go to the grocery store (closest would be literally 20+min away), etc.
-He has zero sales experience and frankly we both have little optimism that he'll succeed.
-My wife's siblings are all wrecks - living with their own in-laws with multiple kids, etc. so we are on our own.

I have little to offer other than we are trying to figure the same thing out. For the time being, we are not going to charge them rent, for food, etc. - we had hoped that a trade-off would be help with childcare, but MIL isn't game. We are hoping that we can use the time to convince them not to buy another home, at least not one far away and that they can not afford, but we are not confident we can. We wouldn't mind at all if they lived with us permanently.

Resentment? Yes, it is absolutely getting there. After handing them money and watching them use it to go on vacations, buy new toys, etc. while they continue to go deeper and deeper in debt I am done. My wife has been very upfront in that the moneystream is done, we offer them nothing else but a roof - they can take it or leave it. I am hoping for the best, but am not optimistic.
I wanted to express my sympathy for the situation that you are caught up in. For what it's worth, I think your decision to tell your in-laws that you'll offer them a home but no other help is a good one. Many people are their own worst enemies.

Barefootgirl
Posts: 2226
Joined: Tue Oct 06, 2009 7:05 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by Barefootgirl » Thu May 19, 2016 5:21 pm

My heart hurts a little reading some of these comments...and more so, after the original poster gave further explanation of her mother's life so far.

Whatever arrangements are made, you are commended for being so attuned.

Best to you and your mom and spouse and family,

BFG
How many retired people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, but he takes all day.

ktd
Posts: 164
Joined: Mon Mar 10, 2014 8:19 am

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by ktd » Thu May 19, 2016 5:47 pm

clacy wrote:
ktd wrote:
clacy wrote:Can she not work and support herself? 62 and in good health seems way too early for a parent to move in, in this day and age.

Even if she moves in with you, I think you should require her to work some, or at least heavily contribute to the family in some form.
This is his MOM! OMG, we will never be in her situation but we would be so sad if our kids think like you.

rgs92 wrote:I would rather get her a small apartment and pay for it, or maybe even put her in a roommate situation with another woman in her age bracket.
Better to do this than disrupt your life.
Wow, most parents work so hard to support their kids and this is what they get in return?
Do you not see the difference between "working hard to support kids" and supporting an able bodied adult?

I work my tail end off to support my 3 kids, but I would never consider burdening their families at age 62 by moving in with them unless I physically/mentally couldn't work.

I'm not trying to bash his mother, but I don't think it's ridiculous to ask that they contribute, just as I would ask an adult child to contribute who moved back in with me.
She is not just any able bodied adult, she is his mom! The one that woke up every two hours to feed him, changed his diapers, by his side when he was sick.

You and I have a very opposite upbringing. I responsible for my kids AND my parents. Yes, I would ask an adult child to contribute but I would not ask my elderly mom to contribute.

sk.dolcevita
Posts: 229
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 11:55 am

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by sk.dolcevita » Thu May 19, 2016 6:54 pm

OP,

I am so sorry you lost your father at such a young age.

You do know what the right thing to do here is.

\sarc-meter on

Or you can get a lawyer and have your mom get one. The two lawyers can then negotiate an iron-clad contract and promissory note with penalties stipulated for any contractual transgressions. The contract shall also call for monthly meetings and for minutes to be taken. Do consider the possibility of an ankle monitor just in case she decides to use the prohibited bathroom.

But make sure you still get her inheritance no matter how small. It's your right.

\sarc meter off

She is your mom, for heaven's sake. She just lost her husband and is probably feeling insecure. Assuming she is a reasonable person and so is your spouse, just deal with this as responsible adults would, i.e. by keeping lines of communications open and cordial. You will both need empathy, ability to read non-verbal cues and just plain common sense as you go along.

BTW, I don't think there are any financial issues with your mom moving in - her incremental expense for food and utilities is going to be insignificant. Show some grace. Moreover, once she gets over grieving and insecurity, she may decide to move out on her own.

You are being a good daughter. It's a shame your siblings are not. Enjoy your time and special bond with her. As you learned from your father's passing away, life is unpredictable.

My wife and I would have absolutely no qualms welcoming our parent to our home in such a situation. Just as they had no qualms if their kids had boomeranged (didn't happen but we know).

User avatar
cheese_breath
Posts: 8105
Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2011 7:08 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by cheese_breath » Thu May 19, 2016 7:42 pm

Onion wrote:....
7. Other siblings? if so, try to "involve" them to some degree at least. Yes, several. No way to say this without sounding horribly pompous, but I have always been the one to think about my parent's situation. It has pained me for many years. I have gotten very little input over the last few years when I've asked for opinions, help, etc. It's just a difficult thing to address once again. ....
Prepare yourself for the possibility of that input increasing a few months after mom moves in. Possibly criticisms about how you're not doing a good job of caring for her or charging her too much to live with you.
The surest way to know the future is when it becomes the past.

muddlehead
Posts: 206
Joined: Mon Sep 22, 2008 2:03 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by muddlehead » Thu May 19, 2016 7:59 pm

To onion / OP. What you're doing is what you should be doing. Your Mom needs a home. Welcome her into yours. No other option. She brings income of $1500 per month so she shouldn't be a financial burden. If the house needs an addition because it's too small for another adult, take her $15k and have your siblings contribute the balance to pay for it. Hope it all works out. You seem like a good daughter.

clacy
Posts: 109
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2011 8:50 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by clacy » Thu May 19, 2016 8:25 pm

ktd wrote:

She is not just any able bodied adult, she is his mom! The one that woke up every two hours to feed him, changed his diapers, by his side when he was sick.

You and I have a very opposite upbringing. I responsible for my kids AND my parents. Yes, I would ask an adult child to contribute but I would not ask my elderly mom to contribute.

You and I may not be that far apart, with the exception of what is a proper age to be expected to work. 62 is not even full retirement age. If this was 1940, it would be a different matter.

At what age do you think it's not ok, for an able bodied mother to put a burden on her son's family so that she can retire? Honest question.

I think 62 is too young for that, but you don't. Fair enough. But would it be ok for a 55 y/o to ask to move in with her son's family so she could retire?

sk.dolcevita
Posts: 229
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 11:55 am

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by sk.dolcevita » Thu May 19, 2016 8:42 pm

clacy wrote:
ktd wrote:

She is not just any able bodied adult, she is his mom! The one that woke up every two hours to feed him, changed his diapers, by his side when he was sick.

You and I have a very opposite upbringing. I responsible for my kids AND my parents. Yes, I would ask an adult child to contribute but I would not ask my elderly mom to contribute.

You and I may not be that far apart, with the exception of what is a proper age to be expected to work. 62 is not even full retirement age. If this was 1940, it would be a different matter.

At what age do you think it's not ok, for an able bodied mother to put a burden on her son's family so that she can retire? Honest question.

I think 62 is too young for that, but you don't. Fair enough. But would it be ok for a 55 y/o to ask to move in with her son's family so she could retire?

Clacy,

Although your question is directed to ktd, allow me to offer my perspective. There are some of us who define "my family" as me, my spouse, my kids AND my parents. To us this is a sacrosanct inter-generational contract - you took care of me unconditionally when I was young and in need; I will take care of you when you are old and in need. Age in this case is incidental and the operative phrase is "in need." Under this definition, our parents are not a burden on my family because they are part of my family; we all swim and sink together. Now, of course, this arrangement works best if everyone behaves like a responsible and sensible adult.

In OP's case, it is even simpler as I don't see finances being an issue. Her mother's $1500 SS should cover all her incidental and health insurance expenses plus some.

BTW, this works the other way around as well. If I was to lose my source of income for some reason, my mother wouldn't blink even once before handing me over her $1500 to take care of the family, her family.

So just different perspectives.

Chadnudj
Posts: 730
Joined: Tue Oct 29, 2013 11:22 am

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by Chadnudj » Fri May 20, 2016 9:23 am

sk.dolcevita wrote: Clacy,

Although your question is directed to ktd, allow me to offer my perspective. There are some of us who define "my family" as me, my spouse, my kids AND my parents. To us this is a sacrosanct inter-generational contract - you took care of me unconditionally when I was young and in need; I will take care of you when you are old and in need. Age in this case is incidental and the operative phrase is "in need." Under this definition, our parents are not a burden on my family because they are part of my family; we all swim and sink together. Now, of course, this arrangement works best if everyone behaves like a responsible and sensible adult.

In OP's case, it is even simpler as I don't see finances being an issue. Her mother's $1500 SS should cover all her incidental and health insurance expenses plus some.

BTW, this works the other way around as well. If I was to lose my source of income for some reason, my mother wouldn't blink even once before handing me over her $1500 to take care of the family, her family.

So just different perspectives.
That's fair enough, but what almost all the posters in this thread have been saying is that it's not unreasonable to request that OP's mother contribute in some fashion now that she's moving in.

Now, that could be paying some amount in "rent" or "utilities" or "grocery bills" (which, remember, she would be paying if she lived alone, and probably paying far more for). It could be getting a job, either full-time or part-time, with the goal to improve her finances while also getting herself out of the house/out with others to afford OP and her husband time to themselves in their own home. It could be agreeing to perform certain chores around the house regularly, or pet-sitting/house-sitting when OP and her husband go on vacation, or baby-sitting OP's children (if OP has children) when OP and her husband go out on a date, or driving OP's children (again if OP has children) to practices/friends' houses when needed. It could be taking the family out to dinner once a month. Or some combination of all of these.

But all members of any family contribute to the family to their ability (heck, my 20-month old "helps" by moving clothes from the washer to the dryer/dryer to the laundry basket). OP and her husband are contributing by taking mom in (an admirable thing, particularly given that OP's siblings are not volunteering to make the same type of sacrifice). It is not unreasonable to expect OP's mom to find some way to contribute to the family, according to her ability.

User avatar
cheese_breath
Posts: 8105
Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2011 7:08 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by cheese_breath » Fri May 20, 2016 10:17 am

Chadnudj wrote:
sk.dolcevita wrote: ... It is not unreasonable to expect OP's mom to find some way to contribute to the family, according to her ability.
And in fact many old people feel the need to do in order to preserve some feelings of dignity and independence. To totally pay all their expenses can damage their pride and feelings of self-worth.
The surest way to know the future is when it becomes the past.

clacy
Posts: 109
Joined: Wed Apr 20, 2011 8:50 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by clacy » Fri May 20, 2016 10:23 am

sk.dolcevita wrote: Clacy,

Although your question is directed to ktd, allow me to offer my perspective. There are some of us who define "my family" as me, my spouse, my kids AND my parents. To us this is a sacrosanct inter-generational contract - you took care of me unconditionally when I was young and in need; I will take care of you when you are old and in need. Age in this case is incidental and the operative phrase is "in need." Under this definition, our parents are not a burden on my family because they are part of my family; we all swim and sink together. Now, of course, this arrangement works best if everyone behaves like a responsible and sensible adult.

In OP's case, it is even simpler as I don't see finances being an issue. Her mother's $1500 SS should cover all her incidental and health insurance expenses plus some.

BTW, this works the other way around as well. If I was to lose my source of income for some reason, my mother wouldn't blink even once before handing me over her $1500 to take care of the family, her family.

So just different perspectives.

I don't see any conflict in loving someone unconditionally and asking that they contribute if they are able to.

I don't think it's an unspeakable crime to ask an able bodied adult to pick up a part time job to help support themselves.

Not to mention, it will probably be helpful to the family dynamics if the OP's mother has a life outside of the home.

jay22
Posts: 705
Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2012 8:56 am
Location: Sacramento, CA

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by jay22 » Fri May 20, 2016 12:54 pm

Some of the comments here make me shake my head.

It's OP's mom we are talking about here. Yes, 62 is "not old enough", but people here are underestimating the emotional distress/insecurity she might be under with her husband passing away. Ask her for rent, really?

OP, sorry for your loss; your dad would be proud of you. He clearly raised you well.

Rodc
Posts: 13601
Joined: Tue Jun 26, 2007 9:46 am

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by Rodc » Fri May 20, 2016 1:58 pm

ktd wrote:
clacy wrote:
ktd wrote:
clacy wrote:Can she not work and support herself? 62 and in good health seems way too early for a parent to move in, in this day and age.

Even if she moves in with you, I think you should require her to work some, or at least heavily contribute to the family in some form.
This is his MOM! OMG, we will never be in her situation but we would be so sad if our kids think like you.

rgs92 wrote:I would rather get her a small apartment and pay for it, or maybe even put her in a roommate situation with another woman in her age bracket.
Better to do this than disrupt your life.
Wow, most parents work so hard to support their kids and this is what they get in return?
Do you not see the difference between "working hard to support kids" and supporting an able bodied adult?

I work my tail end off to support my 3 kids, but I would never consider burdening their families at age 62 by moving in with them unless I physically/mentally couldn't work.

I'm not trying to bash his mother, but I don't think it's ridiculous to ask that they contribute, just as I would ask an adult child to contribute who moved back in with me.
She is not just any able bodied adult, she is his mom! The one that woke up every two hours to feed him, changed his diapers, by his side when he was sick.

You and I have a very opposite upbringing. I responsible for my kids AND my parents. Yes, I would ask an adult child to contribute but I would not ask my elderly mom to contribute.
You have to be pretty young, I suspect, to consider 62 to be elderly.

I am floored that providing an apartment is considered a horrible abandonment of mom. They are not suggesting that mom live under a bridge.

I do agree with some of the comments around the fact that she just lost her husband unexpectedly and is in a tough spot. Some additional kindness is likely warranted, but still you have to consider the long term effects on your marriage, your kids, etc. I have seen these things work out well and I have seen these things work out not so well. So much depends on the very specific people.

OP: best of luck with a difficult situation.
We live a world with knowledge of the future markets has less than one significant figure. And people will still and always demand answers to three significant digits.

sk.dolcevita
Posts: 229
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 11:55 am

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by sk.dolcevita » Fri May 20, 2016 6:39 pm

Chadnudj wrote:
sk.dolcevita wrote: Clacy,

Although your question is directed to ktd, allow me to offer my perspective. There are some of us who define "my family" as me, my spouse, my kids AND my parents. To us this is a sacrosanct inter-generational contract - you took care of me unconditionally when I was young and in need; I will take care of you when you are old and in need. Age in this case is incidental and the operative phrase is "in need." Under this definition, our parents are not a burden on my family because they are part of my family; we all swim and sink together. Now, of course, this arrangement works best if everyone behaves like a responsible and sensible adult.

In OP's case, it is even simpler as I don't see finances being an issue. Her mother's $1500 SS should cover all her incidental and health insurance expenses plus some.

BTW, this works the other way around as well. If I was to lose my source of income for some reason, my mother wouldn't blink even once before handing me over her $1500 to take care of the family, her family.

So just different perspectives.
That's fair enough, but what almost all the posters in this thread have been saying is that it's not unreasonable to request that OP's mother contribute in some fashion now that she's moving in.

Now, that could be paying some amount in "rent" or "utilities" or "grocery bills" (which, remember, she would be paying if she lived alone, and probably paying far more for). It could be getting a job, either full-time or part-time, with the goal to improve her finances while also getting herself out of the house/out with others to afford OP and her husband time to themselves in their own home. It could be agreeing to perform certain chores around the house regularly, or pet-sitting/house-sitting when OP and her husband go on vacation, or baby-sitting OP's children (if OP has children) when OP and her husband go out on a date, or driving OP's children (again if OP has children) to practices/friends' houses when needed. It could be taking the family out to dinner once a month. Or some combination of all of these.

But all members of any family contribute to the family to their ability (heck, my 20-month old "helps" by moving clothes from the washer to the dryer/dryer to the laundry basket). OP and her husband are contributing by taking mom in (an admirable thing, particularly given that OP's siblings are not volunteering to make the same type of sacrifice). It is not unreasonable to expect OP's mom to find some way to contribute to the family, according to her ability.
I agree with you. I wrote " Now, of course, this arrangement works best if everyone behaves like a responsible and sensible adult." Once the emotional issues in play are at a distance, it is very likely that a responsible and sensible adult would think of what your suggest.

mouses
Posts: 3844
Joined: Sat Oct 24, 2015 12:24 am

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by mouses » Fri May 20, 2016 7:15 pm

Drelk3 wrote:My gut response was a bit different. Did you pay room and board when you were living with your mother? Will the additional costs of your mother living with you cause your family financial hardship? Will she be providing you with any childcare or babysitting assistance? If you vacation will she be at home taking care of pets, plants, etc.? If I were to move in with my children and had discretionary income, I would pay for restaurant dinners on occasion; would pay for the items if asked to stop and pick something up at the supermarket, etc. I would want to help as much as I could. Since you say you have such a good relationship with your mother, I would say things would largely depend on your family financial situation. If it were me, I'd feel kind of funny asking my mother to pay room and board after all she and my father had done for me over the years.
This.

I would give a lot to have my parents still around so they could live with me.

The OP seems to be uncomfortable with her Mom moving in. With a house big enough for all those kids (who will be moving out in a few years I assume) and with the expectation that one or more of the parents would live there eventually, I am not sure where the discomfort is coming from. I would take a look at why that exists.

Barefootgirl
Posts: 2226
Joined: Tue Oct 06, 2009 7:05 pm

Re: Advice w/ 62YO Mom Moving In - Rent? Resentment? Plans?

Post by Barefootgirl » Fri May 20, 2016 7:35 pm

The picture I get from reading this thread is that we're a society that infantilizes young adults and parents are expected to provide for them well beyond the age of maturity and but the parents themselves? sorry! you're on your own. The ends don't meet in the middle in this modern day American scenario. How can parents adequately plan and prepare for a reasonable retirement when the golden child(ren) are still living in the basement and they're close to 30? I am not referring to the OP, just the comments woven throughout here....and people from other countries think we're cold. pffft.
How many retired people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, but he takes all day.

Post Reply