Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

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StormShadow
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Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by StormShadow »

I've been invited to my co-worker's daughter's Bat Mitzvah. Wife and I are going to attend. Neither of us are Jewish and I haven't been to a Bar Mitzvah since I was in junior high. We've met her once, and she's a delightful girl. Our own daughter is still a toddler and will be staying home with a sitter. Not sure if it makes a difference, but co-worker and I are both physicians. I still have student loans, though. :mrgreen:

My understanding is this will be a fairly simple affair (starts in the morning at synagogue, ends early afternoon at a restaurant with lunch). No DJ or anything super fancy.

So the question: How much is an appropriate monetary gift? I understand that multiple's of 18 is tradition. My wife's first thought was to give $180, but after a quick search online it seems like even $54 may be appropriate. Maybe $72? Would most families consider this generous/cheap/standard?
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TomatoTomahto
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by TomatoTomahto »

IMO, and having no idea of the local norms, I think $72 is appropriate.

If it's anything like the few I've attended, you will have given plenty by simply attending; they can be long affairs. That said, and I'm not religious or partial to ceremonies, I have found that each one I've attended has brought me to near-tears (got something in my eye) because of the clear parental love and pride.
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by LadyGeek »

I would say $36 in the form of a gift card. Anything more than $50 would appear to a teenager that you're giving her a lot of money - especially since you're not family.

Parents are likely to gather all the checks and put the money away for college. They can't do that with a gift card, let her enjoy the gift.
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by Ellie »

The norm for gifts vary widely. But, I just wanted to let you know that it also is customary do a number that ends in $18 for amounts over $100. For example, if you wanted to give just over $100, you could do $118 or $136.
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by Beth* »

As other people have said, it varies widely by social group and location. Where I live, $54 would come off as a little cheap if given by a couple who obviously weren't struggling financially, but $180 would be a lot for a non-close relative to give. Maybe $108, which works out to $54 from each of you? I am guessing that in Manhattan and other very high income places the expectation is higher, as it is for weddings and other events.
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by bsteiner »

$180 seems modest, but might be OK since you said that the event will be modest.
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by StormShadow »

bsteiner wrote:$180 seems modest, but might be OK since you said that the event will be modest.
Good thing I don't live in NYC. :beer

This feels similar to deciding how much to tip for meals. I give 15% (rounded up to the nearest dollar). 8-)
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by Flobes »

$126. $18 X 7. Both numbers hold meaning and tradition in Jewish gifting.
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by Rob5TCP »

Chai is a Jewish word for life. Adding up it's numerical value (not sure how that is done) comes to 18.
Because of that; it's traditional to give gifts, donations, etc in increments of $18
($36,/72/90/108...)
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Miriam2
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by Miriam2 »

StormShadow wrote:
bsteiner wrote:$180 seems modest, but might be OK since you said that the event will be modest.
Good thing I don't live in NYC. :beer
We live in a HCOL area and $180 or more seems appropriate for the daughter of your wife's coworker for a modest event.

But, this is really not a "modest" event. This is more than just another birthday. The daughter has prepared for this very special time for many years. She spent years learning the prayers and customs of her religion. She studied Hebrew and learned to read it fluidly (not necessarily fluently, but fluidly) and - unless this is an orthodox temple - she will be called up to the alter to read her portions of both the Torah/the Bible and the Haftorah in Hebrew before the congregation, she will recite blessings and may lead the congregation in prayers, she will deliver her essay to the congregation on what she learned from the passages she read, she will be showered with love and blessed by her parents and her rabbi - and she will never be the same little girl.

Her parents and family have prepared for this day and look forward to it with such anticipation and love. It really marks a new stage of the daughter's life, not just in her religion, but it happens at the stage of her growing-up transition into a teen.

(pardon me - wiping tears) So she should receive a very nice present. :D
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by Goal33 »

I grew up in a medium-cost-of-living area and had a Bar Mitzvah 12 years ago. My dad's coworkers mostly gave me around $100 (most of them didn't attend and sent the $100 in the RSVP return envelope). Again, this was 12 years ago. Also, they made less than a physician salary.
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by StormShadow »

Miriam2 wrote:We live in a HCOL area and $180 or more seems appropriate for the daughter of your wife's coworker for a modest event.

But, this is really not a "modest" event. This is more than just another birthday. The daughter has prepared for this very special time for many years. She spent years learning the prayers and customs of her religion. She studied Hebrew and learned to read it fluidly (not necessarily fluently, but fluidly) and - unless this is an orthodox temple - she will be called up to the alter to read her portions of both the Torah/the Bible and the Haftorah in Hebrew before the congregation, she will recite blessings and may lead the congregation in prayers, she will deliver her essay to the congregation on what she learned from the passages she read, she will be showered with love and blessed by her parents and her rabbi - and she will never be the same little girl.

Her parents and family have prepared for this day and look forward to it with such anticipation and love. It really marks a new stage of the daughter's life, not just in her religion, but it happens at the stage of her growing-up transition into a teen.

(pardon me - wiping tears) So she should receive a very nice present. :D
I'm looking forward to it. I know her parents are very proud of her. Straight A student and a competitive swimmer best in her age group.

I live in a lower COL area than the co-worker. I'm thinking of a combination of amazon gift card and money; both in increments of 18. :mrgreen:

Oh, btw... definitely check? Or definitely cash? Seems like people are split on this one too.
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by Miriam2 »

StormShadow wrote:I'm thinking of a combination of amazon gift card and money; both in increments of 18. :mrgreen:
Oh, btw... definitely check? Or definitely cash? Seems like people are split on this one too.
From my experience, the parents appreciate the increments of 18, the kids are too excited to pay any attention to it (it's a generation thing), so whatever amount works out easier for you. An Amazon gift card and a check would be nice. The kids like gift cards they can use and they love checks too :D

For me I would say check, not cash. Many reasons. The daughter will be opening her gifts and will need to keep track of each gift, who gave what, for her thank-you notes. Cash gets lost, gets separated from the card it came in, gets mixed up with the other cash she will receive as gifts from her school friends coming without their parents, but a check is there to see and record. It also helps the parents who, in the frenzy of the day, may think - aagghh - they left a gift at the restaurant or that you did not give a gift, if your cash gets separated from your card.

Each of my kids had the responsibility of endorsing each check, recording it in a bank book, then taking them to the bank and depositing them in their savings account. It was an investment not to be spent. They still have those investments, now transferred to their own taxable accounts at Vanguard. The cash gifts, however, they could enjoy and spend, if they wanted. My son saved every penny 8-) My daughter, ahem, spent her cash gifts shopping :happy
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by DiscoBunny1979 »

Rob5TCP wrote:Chai is a Jewish word for life. Adding up it's numerical value (not sure how that is done) comes to 18.
Because of that; it's traditional to give gifts, donations, etc in increments of $18
($36,/72/90/108...)
While that might be a traditional way of doing things, for the person that's not familiar with 'traditions' I don't think the family or child would be insulted that you didn't follow such customs. For instance, I sent a family member a rounded $50 bill for his bar mitzvah; and have an ongoing pledge to Hadassah @ $20 a month. Hadassah hasn't turned their nose up at my monthly donation because it's not in $18 dollar increments.
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by IPer »

$28,036.18!!!

That would garner some real attention. That being said anything you feel comfortable should be appropriate. $180 would be great, $54
would also be good. Depends mostly on your feeling.
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by mouses »

Miriam2 wrote: We live in a HCOL area and $180 or more seems appropriate for the daughter of your wife's coworker.
Yikes. That's major bucks in my universe.
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by Grt2bOutdoors »

$234 - 13 years * $18.
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by bsteiner »

Grt2bOutdoors wrote:$234 - 13 years * $18.
That might be more appropriate than the $180 I suggested given that the original poster is a physician.
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by moshe »

I'll leave the amount up to you but here are some other options that won't be "spent" two days after they are received.

Give her an israel bond and/or plant trees in Israel. Here are some links you may find useful.

http://www.jnf.org/support/tree-planting-center/
https://online.israelbonds.com/Pages/Welcome.aspx

I hope you, your wife and her family find the ceremony meaningful.

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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by bobbyrab »

Under 100 bucks and you will be considered a "Schnorrer" :D
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by StormShadow »

Update: upon wife's insistence, we gave $180 plus a small gift worth about $25.

Good thing too, the party ended up being quite a bit more elaborate than my friend led me to believe. Included DJ, photo booth and an open bar. The restaurant was really nice.
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Re: Bar/Bat Mitzvah gift question

Post by Miriam2 »

StormShadow wrote:Update: upon wife's insistence, we gave $180 plus a small gift worth about $25.
Good thing too, the party ended up being quite a bit more elaborate than my friend led me to believe. Included DJ, photo booth and an open bar. The restaurant was really nice.
Sounds like everything worked out nicely and you had a good time! The $180 plus small gift seems perfect.
Are you going to share the photo booth picture of you and your wife taken after a few drinks, wearing the funny hats and boas, or perhaps out on the dance floor doing the Electric Slide :wink:
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