Adult child @ home

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wahnfried
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Adult child @ home

Post by wahnfried » Fri Jul 04, 2014 8:19 am

Dear bogle heads,
I am baffled by this problem: 29 old stepdaughter , moved after highschool to LA , failed to conclude her education , got some BA degrees , now wants to become a kinesiologist . Wife(her mother) encouraged her to move backing with us in order to help her finish. She moved in 18 mo ago , had to be encouraged to get a particle job at Walmart . Uses car that was given to her for commuting in LA now to drive to college and walmart . Does not pay any bills , despite being asked by me to do so , wife thinks it's ok.( let her focus on her studies!) this is supposed to go I for two more years and starts to put a strain on our family.
How would you approach this situation?
Thank you, wahnfried

Longtimelurker
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by Longtimelurker » Fri Jul 04, 2014 8:22 am

She sounds, pardon the judgement, like a lazy freeloader. Until your wife converts to thinking its best for her daughter to succeed and fail in life on her own, not sure what you can do.
Stay the course. If you can't resist greed, and fear is proven to be 2x as strong, you are doomed as an investor.

RobInCT
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by RobInCT » Fri Jul 04, 2014 8:25 am

I would not handle the situation by asking the adult daughter to pay bills without first consulting with your wife. Step 1: Get on same page with wife. Step 2: Figure out what to do based on whatever the joint resolution is of step 1.

Jack FFR1846
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by Jack FFR1846 » Fri Jul 04, 2014 8:37 am

How long does she have to finish her studies? If she's studying full time with a finite time to finish, I would support her to get through it and not worry about work or contribution to the household.

If instead she is taking one course a semester, with a track to finish in 10 years, then you should understand that she's content doing nothing and living above her means off of your dime. Kids coming home after college isn't all that unusual these days. Oldsters (like us) work longer, corporations are consistantly sending jobs to 3rd world countries, depleting those above Wal*Mart level for those entering the market (my last employer opened design centers in Bangalore and 2 in China......let people go in New Hampshire and Dallas.....all engineers).

In the end, you and your wife have to agree on a solution. If your wife is fine with her living with you until you're both 90, and you're not, you need to have a talk.
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Professor Emeritus
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by Professor Emeritus » Fri Jul 04, 2014 8:37 am

RobInCT wrote:I would not handle the situation by asking the adult daughter to pay bills without first consulting with your wife. Step 1: Get on same page with wife. Step 2: Figure out what to do based on whatever the joint resolution is of step 1.
+1 This is a marriage/ family problem not a financial one. There are an incredible number of "non launched" 30 year olds out there. Only difference is that in our area parents pay for them to have apartments so the failure to launch is not so obvious. Near Neighbor has a 31 year old JD graduate who has failed the bar three times and works at Starbucks.

Rodc
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by Rodc » Fri Jul 04, 2014 9:31 am

RobInCT wrote:I would not handle the situation by asking the adult daughter to pay bills without first consulting with your wife. Step 1: Get on same page with wife. Step 2: Figure out what to do based on whatever the joint resolution is of step 1.
This.

Best of luck.
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wahnfried
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by wahnfried » Fri Jul 04, 2014 9:34 am

Thank you everybody for weighing in !
I agree , it is more a family/ marriage problem than a financial one .
However , the 29 yo failure to launch occupies a room I would like my 13 yo daughter to have , I feel that teens ought to have a room of their own , just as her half sister had when she was that age...
Now this is a theoretical question , but if push comes to shove , do I have a legal right to evict an adult stepchild?
I'm sure you can sense that things are not happy , but all options need to be explored

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Kenkat
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by Kenkat » Fri Jul 04, 2014 9:44 am

The first thing I would consider is whether there is some type of psychological or cognitive impairment or delay that is causing some of the issue. Yes, some people are just lazy, but others suffer from anxiety, learning disabilities or developmental disabilities that can explain these things. Just something to consider.

Secondly, if your daughter was grown and in the same situation, would you evict her? If the established goal is self sufficient in 2 years, you may need to wait. If you put yourself in a position between your wife and her child, you may lose that battle. Is that something you are prepared to have happen?

gwrvmd
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by gwrvmd » Fri Jul 04, 2014 10:24 am

Wahnfried: A degree in Kinesiology....give me a break! Kinesiology is the study of the mechanics of body movements...a totally worthless degree. A degree might possibly qualify you to be a line dance instructor or maybe lead a Zumba class. If she went for a Masters she might qualify to be a Pole Dancer but by them she will be at least 35, so too old for that

People who fail to launch must learn that education after high school should have at least some connection to gainful employment.

Studies in Kinesiology only have a value if preceded by some type of medical training.

Supporting someone to get a degree in Kinesiology is being an unemployment enabler......................Gordon
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tainted-meat
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by tainted-meat » Fri Jul 04, 2014 10:36 am

Legal eviction would probably end your marriage, as long as you're ok with that :shock:

MassInvestor
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by MassInvestor » Fri Jul 04, 2014 10:40 am

wahnfried wrote:Dear bogle heads,
I am baffled by this problem: 29 old stepdaughter , moved after highschool to LA , failed to conclude her education , got some BA degrees , now wants to become a kinesiologist . Wife(her mother) encouraged her to move backing with us in order to help her finish. She moved in 18 mo ago , had to be encouraged to get a particle job at Walmart . Uses car that was given to her for commuting in LA now to drive to college and walmart . Does not pay any bills , despite being asked by me to do so , wife thinks it's ok.( let her focus on her studies!) this is supposed to go I for two more years and starts to put a strain on our family.
How would you approach this situation?
Thank you, wahnfried
1) Your wife invited your daughter back.
2) Your wife did not make rent a condition of that move.
3) Your daughter has only been back for a year and a half.
4) You or your wife gave your daughter the car.
5) Your daughter is working and studying.

Either
A) There is something else going on here
Or
B) it's not your daughter who is the problem.

MassInvestor

wahnfried
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by wahnfried » Fri Jul 04, 2014 11:05 am

Thx again , tainted meat , you are so right , I know I have to step lightly , but it is so damn frustrating!
I am an immigrant who came to this country with a degree and have worked hard ever since. Maybe I have to stick it out , but I am worried that the kinesiology degree is BS and will prevent gainful employment.
Thank you for your sympathetic ear!
Wahnfried

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InvestorNewb
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by InvestorNewb » Fri Jul 04, 2014 11:20 am

Most people end up in a field that is unrelated to their degree, so I wouldn't be so quick to judge.

The important part is that she finishes in a reasonable time period and gets that piece of paper.
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island
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by island » Fri Jul 04, 2014 11:32 am

Can you please clarify...
You said in your op "got some BAs" so she already has completed more than one undergraduate degree? What are they?

Rodc
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by Rodc » Fri Jul 04, 2014 11:33 am

FWIW: I read an interesting study a few years ago. They found families in something like 15 countries with very different cultures around family dynamics that had young adults still living at home. The study asked parents and kids about how things were going and why.

The results were very interesting. It did not matter what culture about 85% of parents did not like the kids at home, wanted them to grow up and move out, felt that the kids acted entitled, did not contribute enough money or chores, were basically freeloaders.

In every culture, about 85% of the kids said my parents love having me at home, I am so helpful.

:)

I don't think the issue is the OP per se. His feelings are extremely common. I know families with young adult kids who launched late for a variety of reasons and my modest sized sample is at 100% not very happy parents. (now that is sure to excite any number of posters to post they love having their kids at home, so let's stop here and I'll acknowledge that such parents certainly exist, right about 15% it seems. :) )

i would also add there is a big difference between a 23 year old still living at home and 29 year old. At 29 you really are at the outer boundary of "young adult" and rapidly approaching "early middle age".

Not that anyone hitting 30 wants to be told they are entering middle age... :)

There is also a big difference between coming home for a few months to get your act together and come for 4 years as the OPs daughter is planning.
We live a world with knowledge of the future markets has less than one significant figure. And people will still and always demand answers to three significant digits.

SDBoggled
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by SDBoggled » Fri Jul 04, 2014 12:49 pm

Hi,

IMHO this is a fundamental values issue.... very difficult to change after so many years for your wife/daughter. I started in earnest with my daughter's budget in 6th grade with pretty continuous reminders... she still finds being responsible for all her own costs after college pretty difficult.

If you value your marriage, then IMHO there is no choice but to compromise with wife. Perhaps agree on a fundamental questions:

1. How best to launch 29 year old to independence? Perhaps start with fact that 100% support has not work so far... and that you want her to be successful --> agree on some detailed plan for gradual reduction in support? IMHO it is very difficult for kid to launch if there hasn't been expectations set throughout their life like living below your means, ie "you can only spend what you earn". Assign value to car benefit, board and rent... even if you don't charge or make partial charge. Explore jobs for Kinesiology and help her get internships in this area??? Help related to grades, course load???

2. Fairness about own room for your 13 year old? You may not get agreement on this??? But may be strong bargaining point for 1.

3. BTW I don't think you can evict (no lease), current newsy issue with Nanny who won't leave.

Good luck.

noktem
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by noktem » Fri Jul 04, 2014 1:08 pm

It seems to me you and your wife have very different views on parenting. There are deeper issues than merely how best to deal with your daughter. It seems fundamentally your wife is focused on setting your daughter up to succeed by removing any financial burdens and barriers, while you are more interested in having her learn to be independent and responsible. How these play out are vastly different and you definitely need to hash this out with your wife before reaching any common ground solutions. IMHO, only when you and your wife are united in what's best for your daughter, can you come up with steps you both can agree upon. Good luck!

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celia
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by celia » Fri Jul 04, 2014 1:39 pm

We have a similar situation. The biggest problem for us is when spouse and I weren't on the same page.

The prospects for the adult child are very good after finishing another degree and the student is on track to finish same time as poster's step-daughter. Student is now a full-time student and is usually studying/ writing required papers as the program is intense. There is no time for the student to move or get a part-time job. To force either one would make student's grades go down and the sought-after degree would not be attained. We want the student to be successful and are thus supportive of this.

Although there is occasional conflict between the student and us, we recently realized that it is probably just as hard on the student as it is on us. Who wants to live with their old folks who are home all day when they should be independent by now?
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SC Hoosier
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by SC Hoosier » Fri Jul 04, 2014 1:46 pm

noktem wrote:It seems to me you and your wife have very different views on parenting. There are deeper issues than merely how best to deal with your daughter. It seems fundamentally your wife is focused on setting your daughter up to succeed by removing any financial burdens and barriers, while you are more interested in having her learn to be independent and responsible. How these play out are vastly different and you definitely need to hash this out with your wife before reaching any common ground solutions. IMHO, only when you and your wife are united in what's best for your daughter, can you come up with steps you both can agree upon. Good luck!
Agreed. This should have been hashed out before she ever moved back in. Too many emotional decisions going on in this situation. Set clear, written boundaries, and expectations going forward, including a timeline. Have the child sign it. If she doesn't like the deal she can move out. Here's the kicker: your wife must stand united with you. This is the only healthy way to proceed. Work now on making sure you don't have her at home when she's 39.

As far as eviction, legally, she's an adult. You can change the locks and call the cops if she tries to break in. I wouldn't recommend that course though.
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celia
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by celia » Fri Jul 04, 2014 1:57 pm

OP, If you live in California, are you aware that if your step-daughter wants to become a physical therapist, the state license now requires a doctorate degree instead of a masters? That means a longer education is needed to complete the requirements.
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HomerJ
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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by HomerJ » Fri Jul 04, 2014 2:03 pm

wahnfried wrote:but if push comes to shove , do I have a legal right to evict an adult stepchild?
Might as well just get divorced and get your own house, since that will be the result.

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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by Longdog » Fri Jul 04, 2014 2:17 pm

Professor Emeritus wrote:
RobInCT wrote:I would not handle the situation by asking the adult daughter to pay bills without first consulting with your wife. Step 1: Get on same page with wife. Step 2: Figure out what to do based on whatever the joint resolution is of step 1.
+1 This is a marriage/ family problem not a financial one. There are an incredible number of "non launched" 30 year olds out there. Only difference is that in our area parents pay for them to have apartments so the failure to launch is not so obvious. Near Neighbor has a 31 year old JD graduate who has failed the bar three times and works at Starbucks.
Barrista instead of Barrister. Interesting. :wink:
Steve

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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by Longdog » Fri Jul 04, 2014 2:20 pm

island wrote:Can you please clarify...
You said in your op "got some BAs" so she already has completed more than one undergraduate degree? What are they?
And why would you expect this next degree, not the several that came before, would be the one that allows her to be a self-sufficient person?
Steve

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Re: Adult child @ home

Post by LadyGeek » Fri Jul 04, 2014 3:56 pm

This thread has run its course and is locked (off-topic). See: Forum Policy
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This is a relationship issue, not financial. Additionally, the discussion is becoming somewhat contentious with no clear resolution.
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