"Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

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Taylor Larimore
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"Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by Taylor Larimore » Mon Nov 14, 2016 1:56 pm

Bogleheads:

Funny Financial Wisdom from CBS News:

Paul Reiser: “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a car. And with that car, you could go out and try to get happy."

Stephen Colbert: “Wall Street guys get the most money because they work right next to all the money."

Jon Stewart: "“If I had only followed CNBC’s advice, I’d have a million dollars today, provided I started with a hundred million dollars."

Amy Schumer: “I actually prefer the term ‘new money’ because it’s a way of saying, ‘Yes, I am trash and I’m embracing it!’

Will Smith Quoting humorist Will Rogers: “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.”

Bill Murray: “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream."

Margaret Cho: "Billions upon billions of dollars of advertising, magazines, movies, billboards, all geared to make you feel [awful] about yourself so that you will take your hard-earned money and spend it at the mall on some turn-around cream that doesn’t turn around [anything].”

George Carlin: “Consumption is the new national pastime. People spending money they don’t have on things they don’t need."

Joan Rivers: "People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

Phyllis Diller: “If [my husband] Fang weren’t the cheapest man alive, we wouldn’t have a problem. The last time I said, ‘Let’s eat out,’ we ate in the garage. You talk about cheap, he buys one Christmas card and sends it out as a chain letter.”

Richard Pryor: “Sure, I have friends, plenty of friends, and they all come around wantin’ to borrow money. I’ve always been generous with my friends and family, with money, but selfish with the important stuff like love.”

Bob Hope: “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

Best wishes and have fun.
Taylor
"Simplicity is the master key to financial success." -- Jack Bogle

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triceratop
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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by triceratop » Mon Nov 14, 2016 2:00 pm

Taylor Larimore wrote:Bogleheads:

Funny Financial Wisdom from CBS News:

Paul Reiser: “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a car. And with that car, you could go out and try to get happy."

Stephen Colbert: “Wall Street guys get the most money because they work right next to all the money."

Jon Stewart: "“If I had only followed CNBC’s advice, I’d have a million dollars today, provided I started with a hundred million dollars."

Amy Schumer: “I actually prefer the term ‘new money’ because it’s a way of saying, ‘Yes, I am trash and I’m embracing it!’

Will Smith Quoting humorist Will Rogers: “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.”

Bill Murray: “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream."

Margaret Cho: "Billions upon billions of dollars of advertising, magazines, movies, billboards, all geared to make you feel [awful] about yourself so that you will take your hard-earned money and spend it at the mall on some turn-around cream that doesn’t turn around [anything].”

George Carlin: “Consumption is the new national pastime. People spending money they don’t have on things they don’t need."

Joan Rivers: "People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

Phyllis Diller: “If [my husband] Fang weren’t the cheapest man alive, we wouldn’t have a problem. The last time I said, ‘Let’s eat out,’ we ate in the garage. You talk about cheap, he buys one Christmas card and sends it out as a chain letter.”

Richard Pryor: “Sure, I have friends, plenty of friends, and they all come around wantin’ to borrow money. I’ve always been generous with my friends and family, with money, but selfish with the important stuff like love.”

Bob Hope: “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

Best wishes and have fun.
Taylor
Taylor,
Thank you very much for these lines. I recommend everyone watch the Jim Cramer-Jon Stewart showdown that this line originates from, it is a classic of the financial crisis IMO.

triceratop
"To play the stock market is to play musical chairs under the chord progression of a bid-ask spread."

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by DSInvestor » Mon Nov 14, 2016 2:05 pm

Thank you for posting this. Good stuff.

Not a comedian, but I liked this quote:
George Best: "I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered."

Yogi Berra: "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore".
Wiki

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by Kitty Telltales » Mon Nov 14, 2016 4:19 pm

Thanks for the smile Taylor, it was badly needed today. :happy :happy :happy

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by BlackStrat » Mon Nov 14, 2016 4:31 pm

I'm paraphrasing one I liked from someone in an earlier thread: "A bull market is like sex - it feels best right before it ends'

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by pkcrafter » Mon Nov 14, 2016 4:44 pm

Thanks, Taylor, funny stuff.

Paul
When times are good, investors tend to forget about risk and focus on opportunity. When times are bad, investors tend to forget about opportunity and focus on risk.

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by ruralavalon » Mon Nov 14, 2016 4:49 pm

Thanks for the laughs :) :)
"Everything should be as simple as it is, but not simpler." - Albert Einstein | Wiki article link:Getting Started

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by jazman12 » Tue Nov 15, 2016 3:26 pm

Here's a quote that should provide us with some philosophical insight

. "Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game." - Donald Trump
Act soon... time is running out

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by GoldenFinch » Tue Nov 15, 2016 5:50 pm

I've always loved reading quotes! When I was 10 or 11 I used to collect books of quotes and had fun reading them. I keep thinking I will write out some really good quotes I've read here on Bogleheads, especially ones in signature lines, and post them on my coat room wall for the kids to read every day so they can soak up some wisdom. I especially like, "An oak tree is just a nut that stayed the course."

Thank you Mr. Larimore! :happy

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by cheese_breath » Wed Nov 16, 2016 9:21 am

"Money honey, if you want to get along with me."

From the 1950's version of the song (not the Lady Gaga lyrics) written by Jesse Stone (not the Tom Selleck character)

You need to read the first stanza to understand how this applies to financial wisdom...

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/elvispre ... honey.html
The surest way to know the future is when it becomes the past.

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by skepticalobserver » Wed Nov 16, 2016 11:08 am

“If you have enough of them you can!”

G. Marx

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by Rodc » Wed Nov 16, 2016 11:21 am

Bill Murray: “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream."
I thought I invented that. :)
We live a world with knowledge of the future markets has less than one significant figure. And people will still and always demand answers to three significant digits.

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by bayview » Wed Nov 16, 2016 7:39 pm

This is in someone's signature line, I think:

"Don’t gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock, and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don’t go up, don’t buy it.” 8-) --Will Rogers
The continuous execution of a sound strategy gives you the benefit of the strategy. That's what it's all about. --Rick Ferri

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by Stonebr » Wed Nov 16, 2016 8:39 pm

A couple more...

Groucho: "Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."

Groucho: "While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery."
"have more than thou showest, | speak less than thou knowest" -- The Fool in King Lear

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by mlebuf » Wed Nov 16, 2016 8:58 pm

I helped put two children through Harvard......my broker's children.

"Money isn't everything but it's right up there with oxygen."
- Rita Davenport

"Money is better than poverty if only for financial reasons."
- Woody Allen

"You can't take it with you but you aren't going anywhere without it."
- One of my accounting professors in college

"Jesus saves. Moses invests."
- Grafitti scribbled above a college classroom blackboard over 50 years ago
Best wishes, | Michael | | Invest your time actively and your money passively.

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by randomguy » Wed Nov 16, 2016 9:29 pm

"Wide diversification is only required when investors do not understand what they are doing." - Warren Buffett

I am comfortable saying I don't know what I am doing:)

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by bigred3 » Wed Nov 16, 2016 10:17 pm

Dave Chappelle on the difference between 10M and 50M:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gj7A9jXClEo

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by bhsince87 » Wed Nov 16, 2016 10:44 pm

“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” Milton Berle
Retirement: When you reach a point where you have enough. Or when you've had enough.

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by beardsworth » Wed Nov 16, 2016 10:47 pm

Mark Twain:

"The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money."

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by beardsworth » Wed Nov 16, 2016 10:53 pm

And Twain again:

"October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.”

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Re: "Comedians' best lines of financial wisdom"

Post by abuss368 » Thu Nov 17, 2016 4:08 pm

Excellent post Taylor! Sad but true in the world we live in.

Best.
John C. Bogle: "You simply do not need to put your money into 8 different mutual funds!" | | Disclosure: Three Fund Portfolio + U.S. & International REITs

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