do you lie about your finances to friends

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novillero
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do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by novillero »

I commute with someone who is always complaining about being behind the 8-ball financially... high consumer debt, underwater house, etc. the middle class is doomed!!!

I make it seem like I am in the same boat as he, but I am not. I have gone through my ups and downs financially - and am by no means wealthy, but my wife and I save, and splurge only occasionally,

Yet I sympathize with him by just agreeing and I am sure he is under the impression that I have high consumer debt and that - like him - I may never get my head above water. I just find it easier this way, other than lecturing him about his poor financial habits.
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pennstater2005
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by pennstater2005 »

I avoid finance discussions such as that like the plague.
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rleonardh
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by rleonardh »

Why lie to him??

Tell him about some people like Dave Ramesy and Bogleheads.

Teach him how to get out of the "doom" he is in. :sharebeer
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by shorvath »

The frequent discussion point that comes up with other people my age is student loans, and the general bemoaning of them. I usually just nod along agreeably and try not to draw attention to myself. Absolutely no one wants to hear that I don't have them.
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Taylor Larimore
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by Taylor Larimore »

novillero:

My parents taught me to never lie. It may be the best advice I ever received.

Best wishes.
Taylor
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cheese_breath
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by cheese_breath »

pennstater2005 wrote:I avoid finance discussions such as that like the plague.
Me too. If someone asks I might tell him I' m content investing in index funds and tracking the market. But I wouldn't compare my balance with his.
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sdsailing
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by sdsailing »

You can nod and smile appreciatively without lying, while directing the conversation towards more productive directions, i.e. The value of saving more, etc.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by livesoft »

No reason to lie. "When I was your age, …."
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rleonardh
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by rleonardh »

Taylor Larimore wrote:novillero:

My parents taught me to never lie. It may be the best advice I ever received.

Best wishes.
Taylor
Mine to Taylor.

Other is this: Try to help poeple if possible, just don't get dragged down.

So if you can help people by telling them and pointing them in right direction, do so.
Last edited by rleonardh on Tue Jul 01, 2014 8:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
bloom2708
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by bloom2708 »

I think the term is "deflecting". Can you answer a question without lying or telling the truth? A couple friends are always talking about their mortgages and refinancing. One just refinanced into a 15 year mortgage. Said he hopes to pay it off in the 15 years.

We haven't had a mortgage since 2007 and hopefully won't have one again. Pointed and direct questions can be deflected somewhat. "Yeah..our mortgage is pretty close to that %". Well 0% and 3.5% aren't that far off? We have less than 15 years left too. 0 years. Not a direct lie. :shock:

People like to talk about their problems way more than they want to hear about successes. It is too bad, but that is reality.
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FelixTheCat
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by FelixTheCat »

My friends make considerably more than me. Each one has told me their income. The funny thing is they call me the "rich one" because my house is paid off. Personally, I don't understand how they can spend, spend, spend with no concept of saving for retirement.

I simply discuss financial concepts such as indexing but I don't disclose my financial status.
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LateStarter1975
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by LateStarter1975 »

I understand your predicament, but you don't have to lie about it. Since you're winning with money, you can tell him how you've gotten to the stage you are. Certainly, you don't have to lecture him about money and if you notice he is not welcoming of your views, then don't give it. But you can start by telling him how you've succeeding in getting ahead...this is what Dave Ramsey teaches and tell him how you used to struggle too. I'm sure he'll want to know how you were able to get ahead. This way, you can relate to his problems without being condescending. Goodlcuk
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pennstater2005
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by pennstater2005 »

Most people do not have admiration for financial independence.
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BHCadet
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by BHCadet »

To me, not sharing personal finance info is not lying.
Just let people generally know you LBYM saving for retirement, college expense, etc, is sufficient.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by NoVa Lurker »

I am not comfortable with white lies, so I usually just stick to (1) answering with related information but not numbers, and/or (2) asking questions in response, rather than making any statements.

I think most people would rather talk about themselves than hear about you. But if you give them financial details (salary, home value, mortgage rate, savings, etc.), they tend to remember it.

My mother-in-law asks very direct financial questions, which I try to avoid in a pleasant way. I had a good one recently, where she asked point-blank, "How much do you make" from two rental properties we have. I talked about some issues we had with the HOA, then I brought up the fact that we don't allow pets, then I asked about her dog. I never answered with any numbers on our rental income, which is what she initially wanted. I am pretty sure she forgot her initial question, and she still came out of the conversation happy. She may realize I am avoiding questions like that, but she's never called me on it (or stopped asking that type of stuff).
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by Crow Hunter »

novillero wrote:I commute with someone who is always complaining about being behind the 8-ball financially... high consumer debt, underwater house, etc. the middle class is doomed!!!

I make it seem like I am in the same boat as he, but I am not. I have gone through my ups and downs financially - and am by no means wealthy, but my wife and I save, and splurge only occasionally,

Yet I sympathize with him by just agreeing and I am sure he is under the impression that I have high consumer debt and that - like him - I may never get my head above water. I just find it easier this way, other than lecturing him about his poor financial habits.
I don't lie but I don't volunteer information either.

I discuss ideas and theories but not specifics about my situation.

For instance, when I bought my new truck several years ago I was asked how much I paid and what my interest rate was. I told them the price I paid and what interest rate I had. I left out the fact that I only financed $1500 for 3 months so that I could get an extra $2,000 off. I wasn't asked what my loan balance was or how much I owed on the truck.

If someone were to ask me directly what my net worth was, I would probably tell them, but most people who would be discussing the things that you are talking about with me don't actually think in net worth terms.

Like Mr Larimore I was taught never to lie and while I won't say I haven't before, I have. But I have over time learned that was extremely good advice and try to stick to it.
IlliniDave
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by IlliniDave »

Sometimes I obfuscate a little bit. Having had financial struggles at times in the past I can and do sympathize/emphasize with people going through hardship even though at present those problems are mostly behind me. But I don't outright lie, and if pressed,in the end it often comes down to telling them that the "secret" is saying, "No," to myself with a frequency that is commensurate with my situation. I think it's a good thing for people, especially those with a defeatist/hopeless mindset, to hear that it is possible to get in, and stay in, the black financially. Even if you are a relatively modest-sized fish.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by Fallible »

novillero wrote:I commute with someone who is always complaining about being behind the 8-ball financially... high consumer debt, underwater house, etc. the middle class is doomed!!!

I make it seem like I am in the same boat as he, but I am not. I have gone through my ups and downs financially - and am by no means wealthy, but my wife and I save, and splurge only occasionally,

Yet I sympathize with him by just agreeing and I am sure he is under the impression that I have high consumer debt and that - like him - I may never get my head above water. I just find it easier this way, other than lecturing him about his poor financial habits.
You don't need to "lecture" him. Another poster suggested just telling him how much saving has helped you, so you could just mention that and see what his reaction is, then take it from there.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by truenorth418 »

I retired 3 years ago at age 47. Early retirement was a long standing goal for me, and I made a lot of sacrifices to achieve it, such as living very modestly (living in a 275 sq ft studio apartment for the last 10 years) and working long hours for many years at jobs I hated. I am very proud of achieving financial independence, but I have revealed my circumstances to only a few people and the rest assume that I am long term unemployed, scraping by on the odd consulting gig, etc.

Since so many of my circle are truly unemployed or unhappy and wishing they could change jobs, I don't want to make them feel bad so, like the OP, I tend to speak in vague generalities or avoid the topic of personal finance altogether.
Sidney
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by Sidney »

pennstater2005 wrote:I avoid finance discussions such as that like the plague.
Same here. Nobody has ever asked. Not even family members.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by Schu »

I will go as far as advocating "Pay Yourself First" and tell anyone that's how I've saved $40k for my next Honda Accord equivalent, and paid cash for my current car from this money. In the right situation, I think it can be helpful to tell a real story of saving every paycheck and how I never worry about a car payment, just that I have a much smaller one all the time.




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prudent
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by prudent »

My friends have never asked about our finances, and I don't ask about theirs. If they did I would not lie but would certainly be evasive.

There's an acquaintance I see from time to time who is never shy about asking the most pointed questions about money. He's so blunt but doesn't comprehend the inappropriateness of his questions, so you have to be blunt back.
"Hey, prudent, what did you pay for your house?"
I have to answer: I'm not going to tell you what I paid.
And he accepts that.

He once asked me to help him find a place to sell some coins, since he knew I had contacts in that business, so I told him who to call. Then this started...
"Will he pay cash?"
Yes.
"How much cash does he have in his store?"
Enough to pay for what you showed me.
"But what if I had a lot more stuff? How big of a deal can he do?"
Talk to me first if you have a huge deal, We'll make arrangements ahead of time if necessary.
"How much will he make on what I sell him?"
No idea.
"But will he double his money? More?"
I don't know.
"Will he give you a cut of the profits?"
No.
"What if you asked for a cut? Would he give you one if you asked?"
At that point I said "You know, I'm done with this conversation."

Other than this quirk, he's a nice guy, but what a quirk.
Rob Bertram
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by Rob Bertram »

I am open and honest about my finances when someone asks. People seldom do. Most do not want to hear that we are debt free. I have to say that it's a great way to get rid of unwanted calls: "Hello? No, I am not interested in a magazine subscription, but let me tell you about low-cost, total-market index funds... <click>Hello? Hello?"
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by chaz »

OP, steer your friend to this forum.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by KlangFool »

Hi,

I just say that save 30+% of your gross income regularly and you will never run out of money. Then, people ask how can you do that?? I just say that I just pretend that I only earn half of what I actually do and live accordingly... That usually shut people off.

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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by oldzey »

novillero wrote:I commute with someone who is always complaining about being behind the 8-ball financially... high consumer debt, underwater house, etc. the middle class is doomed!!!

I make it seem like I am in the same boat as he, but I am not. I have gone through my ups and downs financially - and am by no means wealthy, but my wife and I save, and splurge only occasionally,

Yet I sympathize with him by just agreeing and I am sure he is under the impression that I have high consumer debt and that - like him - I may never get my head above water. I just find it easier this way, other than lecturing him about his poor financial habits.
Maybe find a new person to commute with? :D

As my Mom (who was born in the Depression) says, "it a fact of life that some people are ALWAYS in debt".
Last edited by oldzey on Mon Jun 30, 2014 3:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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chaz
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by chaz »

KlangFool wrote:Hi,

I just say that save 30+% of your gross income regularly and you will never run out of money. Then, people ask how can you do that?? I just say that I just pretend that I only earn half of what I actually do and live accordingly... That usually shut people off.

KlangFool
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by 123 »

I think it's interesting that in the 1950's and 1960's when people referred to their "accounts" they were referring to savings, cds, and their assets. With the rise of consumer debt and credit cards since the 1970's when most people talk of their "accounts" they are speaking of their consumer debt and other obligations. People fundamentally seem to be either savers or spenders and both sides generally tune out any message that their way is not the right way.

I don't lie I just nod sympathetically.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by schuyler74 »

How you should answer depends on why they're asking, rarely is it helpful to disclose info about your own finances to someone who has no intention of doing anything differently. If they just want to vent (and not change) then you listen because you're their friend. If they actually want real advice on what or how to change, then you can still do that without revealing specifics. In any case: lying bad, helping good.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by Sheepdog »

I don't brag about it, but if I am part of a conversation, and there have been a few, about the "stock market" and someone says something like "it is rigged for the banks, or stock brokers, etc.", I always speak up that I have done quite well by doing it myself with low cost investments, mostly thru Vanguard. Either that shuts them up, or they ask something more like "Well, how did you do in 2008? How much did you lose then? I just say that I lost, but everything was back, plus some in 2009. That always shuts them up. What is interesting, though, is when a stock broker friend is part of the conversation. They always back me up, except the Vanguard part, but they don't knock it, just that they mention investing carefully and you can be okay.
I never say how much I have earned and have, though, just that I have earned more than I have taken out.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by Gattamelata »

Telling the truth and lying are not the only available options. If people ask me a question that I don't want to answer, I just say "I'm not comfortable talking about that," or "I don't want to discuss my personal finances."
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by bobbun »

prudent wrote:"Hey, prudent, what did you pay for your house?"
I have to answer: I'm not going to tell you what I paid.
And he accepts that.
You should tell him how to do a public records search!
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by jackholloway »

I do not lie, but I do not reveal salary, balances, or debt. If new cars come up, I will say something like "I am still driving my ten year old car, but I am eying a new (whatever). Kids college fund has to come first, though, so I will probably wait a bit more. Do you like your new (whatever)?"

If asked "what do you make?", I will say that since I am involved in hiring, I cannot reveal others salaries, and won't reveal my own. I will say that every company I know of assumes you have looked at glassdoor and other sites, which is also true.

If consumer debt comes up, I freely admit that debt bothers me. It reduces my options and increases my risk. I may chat about the relative I had that could not join the peace corps because of excessive student loans. It is not bad a priori, but it is a risk, and the people offering it to you do not have your best interest at heart.

I do try to get people to read the bogleheads guide to investment and get rich slowly, if investing comes up, and I do plug VG when the stock pickers start pushing thier favorites, but I do not insist. Many roads to Dublin.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by subd3v »

As others have stated I wouldn't lie but I wouldn't disclose how much I have or save. Having people know that not everyone is in poor financial shape can inspire some people and perhaps they may even ask you for advice. Not that I can handle complex financial questions, but steering a friend away from a high cost actively managed fund or getting them to start using the company 401k is rewarding.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by investingdad »

pennstater2005 wrote:Most people do not have admiration for financial independence.
No they don't. Because it often means they have to review how they're spending or managing their money and they know it's a problem. Just give a listen to call-in guests on Ramsey or Suze Orman...people with higher incomes making poor choices usually are reluctant to stop making those choices.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by sscritic »

I don't lie to friends about my finances, which is why I lie to you guys. I have to lie to someone, and you are it.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by cheese_breath »

sscritic wrote:I don't lie to friends about my finances, which is why I lie to you guys. I have to lie to someone, and you are it.
Is that the truth?
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by Grt2bOutdoors »

No. I simply choose to discuss other things, personal finance is not one of them. If the other party wants to disclose their finances, fine with me, but I don't offer input unless its specifically asked for and then only if I think the person will actually listen. Even if they do listen, i'm can say with near certainty they will not take my advice. Rather, the drama will continue anew in the following weeks. You know the say, misery loves company? I just nod my head and let them vent.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by Grt2bOutdoors »

bloom2708 wrote:I think the term is "deflecting". Can you answer a question without lying or telling the truth? A couple friends are always talking about their mortgages and refinancing. One just refinanced into a 15 year mortgage. Said he hopes to pay it off in the 15 years.

We haven't had a mortgage since 2007 and hopefully won't have one again. Pointed and direct questions can be deflected somewhat. "Yeah..our mortgage is pretty close to that %". Well 0% and 3.5% aren't that far off? We have less than 15 years left too. 0 years. Not a direct lie. :shock:

People like to talk about their problems way more than they want to hear about successes. It is too bad, but that is reality.
Are you taking your mortgage payment and investing it? I hope so. So, the next time you hear the conversation and your input is asked, simply say that you hope to be done in 15 years as well. 180 payments later, you should be able to retire, we hope. Some folks are more fortunate than others, count your blessings, and there is nothing wrong with having a mortgage - you have to live someplace, whether you pay rent or pay a mortgage the fact your friends can pay it should say something in and of itself. They are meeting their obligations.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by letsgobobby »

Generally I don't talk money with friends so I don't have to lie, but agree it gets a little uncomfortable when acquaintances go on and on about how tough things are, how bad the economy is, how the stock market is rigged, especially when they have no reason not to be participating in the wealth accumulation that is occurring. I just nod my head and act bored til they move on to the Seahawks or the weather.

I have one good friend, a CFP, and we had to make sure we had roughly compatible views of finances in order to stay friends. He charges 1% AUM and is a thoughtful and well-meaning guy, and he learned I wasn't a stock picker or trend chaser, but beyond that we don't talk money. However, we do talk goals sometimes because we share similar interests so we ski together and hike together, etc, and I know he's financially savvy and has goals/dreams that we can relate to. So we talk about wanting to get a cabin, etc. But not dollars and cents specifically. I wouldn't feel a need to lie to him and he would never intrude, but if he did get too personal i would be direct with him and tell him where my boundaries were.

A coworker once asked how much I paid for a house but I think that was a cultural thing on her part, she's a naturalized American. I never answer this question because for those so motivated, Zillow can provide you the answer without me telling it to you.

Like others here I am asked by my colleagues quite often for financial advice (life insurance, retirement plans, etc) and am happy to do that with the usual caveats (not professional advice, etc) but we don't talk my money. Only theirs. :D
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by Grt2bOutdoors »

oldzey wrote:
novillero wrote:I commute with someone who is always complaining about being behind the 8-ball financially... high consumer debt, underwater house, etc. the middle class is doomed!!!

I make it seem like I am in the same boat as he, but I am not. I have gone through my ups and downs financially - and am by no means wealthy, but my wife and I save, and splurge only occasionally,

Yet I sympathize with him by just agreeing and I am sure he is under the impression that I have high consumer debt and that - like him - I may never get my head above water. I just find it easier this way, other than lecturing him about his poor financial habits.
Maybe find a new person to commute with? :D

As my Mom (who was born in the Depression) says, "it a fact of life that some people are ALWAYS in debt".
Show the commuter a picture of that lady sitting in a rocking chair crying as her worldly possessions were auctioned off by the sheriff on her soon to be auctioned farm during the Great Depression. If that doesn't motivate you, I don't know what will.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by HomerJ »

Fallible wrote:
novillero wrote:I commute with someone who is always complaining about being behind the 8-ball financially... high consumer debt, underwater house, etc. the middle class is doomed!!!

I make it seem like I am in the same boat as he, but I am not. I have gone through my ups and downs financially - and am by no means wealthy, but my wife and I save, and splurge only occasionally,

Yet I sympathize with him by just agreeing and I am sure he is under the impression that I have high consumer debt and that - like him - I may never get my head above water. I just find it easier this way, other than lecturing him about his poor financial habits.
You don't need to "lecture" him. Another poster suggested just telling him how much saving has helped you, so you could just mention that and see what his reaction is, then take it from there.
Tell them some other friend of yours helped you by directing you to the Bogleheads or Dave Ramsey or whatever. That way it sounds like you were in trouble once too, but someone helped you.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by Boglegrappler »

pennstater2005 wrote:
Most people do not have admiration for financial independence.

No they don't. Because it often means they have to review how they're spending or managing their money and they know it's a problem. Just give a listen to call-in guests on Ramsey or Suze Orman...people with higher incomes making poor choices usually are reluctant to stop making those choices.
Not to mention the lower income people who aren't listening or calling in at all. :)

I heard a comment on a radio show that "there is no one a ******* hates more than someone who is able to take care of himself. "

If you are in decent shape and adequate on your own, it does make a lot of people displeased. It robs them of their audience for their gripes about how the world is rigged and it's impossible to take care of yourself. You are disqualifying yourself as a fellow traveler/complainer. Your gripes are 180 degrees different from theirs, usually.
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by HomerJ »

sscritic wrote:I don't lie to friends about my finances, which is why I lie to you guys. I have to lie to someone, and you are it.
We're not your friends?
sscritic
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by sscritic »

letsgobobby wrote: A coworker once asked how much I paid for a house but I think that was a cultural thing on her part, she's a naturalized American. I never answer this question because for those so motivated, Zillow can provide you the answer without me telling it to you.
So why not just answer? If someone knows my real name and wants to know where I work, they can google me. If someone asks me where I work, why would I deflect that when the information is readily available? Were you trying to teach your co-worker to google? If the home sale isn't that old, google should give as good an answer as Zillow. Zillow and Trulia and so many others will all be google results.

Here, let me show you. I will google my own address. I got Zillow, Redfin, Trulia, Movoto, and others. All showed the same "last sold" number.

Now you google your own address. How many sources did you find for what you paid for your house?

It may indeed be cultural. I live in CA. The CA culture I know revolves around the house, what you paid for it, what it is worth today, what you hope it will be worth when you die, whether you should hurry and sell it before it goes up too much and you will have to pay tax on the cap gains (you have to keep moving to stay within the exclusion amount), etc.
an_asker
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by an_asker »

HomerJ wrote:
sscritic wrote:I don't lie to friends about my finances, which is why I lie to you guys. I have to lie to someone, and you are it.
We're not your friends?
He only lies to phriends phishing for info ;-)
letsgobobby
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Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2009 1:10 am

Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by letsgobobby »

sscritic wrote:
letsgobobby wrote: A coworker once asked how much I paid for a house but I think that was a cultural thing on her part, she's a naturalized American. I never answer this question because for those so motivated, Zillow can provide you the answer without me telling it to you.
So why not just answer? If someone knows my real name and wants to know where I work, they can google me. If someone asks me where I work, why would I deflect that when the information is readily available? Were you trying to teach your co-worker to google? If the home sale isn't that old, google should give as good an answer as Zillow. Zillow and Trulia and so many others will all be google results.

Here, let me show you. I will google my own address. I got Zillow, Redfin, Trulia, Movoto, and others. All showed the same "last sold" number.

Now you google your own address. How many sources did you find for what you paid for your house?

It may indeed be cultural. I live in CA. The CA culture I know revolves around the house, what you paid for it, what it is worth today, what you hope it will be worth when you die, whether you should hurry and sell it before it goes up too much and you will have to pay tax on the cap gains (you have to keep moving to stay within the exclusion amount), etc.
so how much did you pay for your house?

nb: i've already told you mine, you may recall, so quid pro quo...
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HomerJ
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by HomerJ »

sscritic wrote:Now you google your own address. How many sources did you find for what you paid for your house?
Ugh, I hate that picture of my house when I google my address... It's from like 4 years ago when my yard looked terrible... :)
Working2notWork
Posts: 255
Joined: Wed Jan 08, 2014 12:22 pm

Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by Working2notWork »

rleonardh wrote: Other is this: Try to help poeple if possible, just don't get drug down.
"drug" might not be your best choice for a word here, as the proper, more formal, word is "dragged".
rleonardh wrote: So if you can help people by telling them and pointing them in right direction, do so.
I just helped you, do you feel helped or pissed off?
sscritic
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Re: do you lie about your finances to friends

Post by sscritic »

letsgobobby wrote: so how much did you pay for your house?

nb: i've already told you mine, you may recall, so quid pro quo...
I told you what the previous owner paid. Is that close enough?
Zillow says my house sold in 2003 for $540,000.
As for your house
We recently bought a much bigger house and find it is more than we need. A lot of rooms are just used for storage. (We went from 2800 sf to 4400 sf, we are also a family of 4).
I must have missed the price you paid for your new house or I forgot. Actually, I find that I am forgetting more and more recently, especially names of people.
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