Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over another]

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swats
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Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over another]

Post by swats »

Hi,
I don't know if I am in minority here but I would like to know how the parents in this forum deal with such a situation. I have a son who is good in studies and easy to get along with. The opposite is my tween daughter who is not interested in anything but the latest fashions and turned from a sweet little girl to a girl who shows attitude at the slightest thing. We were putting aside some money each month for the kids future. Now, we are rethinking. We know its not fair but we feel we should spend our hard earned money on the kid who deserves it. Are we thinking too much or is it just a phase?
Thanks!
barnaclebob
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Re: Fair or not

Post by barnaclebob »

How old is the son? I think you are thinking too much, the kid could get better by the time they graduate high school...
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mhc
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Re: Fair or not

Post by mhc »

I don't see parenting based on whether or not the child deserves it. The children deserve you being a good parent and taking care of them. She is a child. She will mature with time. Keep teaching her how to be responsible. Work on her character. It takes time.

I have a son and 2 daughters. They are not alike. They each have their own personality. I try to deal with each fairly, not equally.
Last edited by mhc on Wed Oct 09, 2013 5:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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tyrion
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Re: Fair or not

Post by tyrion »

My kids are young still, but from how I was raised and my wife was raised I think we will strive for some sort of equality. For one thing, providing unequally for your son will likely make relations with your daughter worse. And kids mature at their own rate. Maybe she won't be ready for college but will rededicate herself after a year or two working.

Things don't need to be exactly equal, of course. You could provide college funding for one and 'trade' training for another. Or college for one and a house down payment for another. But I think in the interest of family harmony you need to try to be reasonably fair. Otherwise one will end up resenting the other and you.
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greg24
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Re: Fair or not

Post by greg24 »

If you are saving for their education, you'd better save for both.

If you are talking about spending money, feel free to penalize one for poor behavior.
MnD
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Re: Fair or not

Post by MnD »

Youngest kids are often a PITA, especially in the tweens.
You have to be the adult and treat your kids fairly and with love and support.
When they are early mid-20's they will likely transform into really nice adults who will have a great relationship with you.
Parents that get into power struggles with teens and punish their kids from an emotional perspective with money and other levers may end up with adult children that want nothing to do with them.

If your youngest doesn't end up being much of a student you may end up spending a lot less on them for education by default since they will only get into community colleges or 2nd-tier smaller state schools which are a lot cheaper than Flagship State U and dramatically cheaper than top-tier private schools. I wouldn't bankroll an unmotivated student at a 3rd-rate but still very expensive private college. Nothing personal against the kid but that just seems like a waste of money.

If the money is in accounts your own or control, you haven't "spent" anything on anyone yet. And even with 529's, you can move funds between accounts as needed if college costs turn out differently.
Last edited by MnD on Wed Oct 09, 2013 10:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Fair or not

Post by cheese_breath »

mhc wrote:I don't see parenting based on rather or not the child deserves it. The children deserve you being a good parent and taking care of them. She is a child. She will mature with time. Keep teaching her how to be responsible. Work on her character. It takes time.
+1 It's very easy to convince children you love one more than the other. This is one of those ways.
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VictoriaF
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Re: Fair or not

Post by VictoriaF »

People respond to measures that follow their actions very soon and are clearly related to their actions. If the daughter is deprived of spending money immediately after some frivolous purchases, she will modify her spending behavior. If the daughter is left out from the will years after she has engaged in some undesired behavior, she will be angry or bitter but she will not learn anything from it.

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DeGrief
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Re: Fair or not

Post by DeGrief »

A good friend of mine had a similar experience with a daughter of his, and I seem to remember it got even worse when she was in high school.

She's now 25. She has a B.S. in mathematics from a good private university (where she holds school records in track events) and is now in her 2nd year of Med. school at the University of Washington.

Don't give up on a child at 12!
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Re: Fair or not

Post by jackholloway »

swats wrote:We know its not fair but we feel we should spend our hard earned money on the kid who deserves it. Are we thinking too much or is it just a phase?
I would characterize this as reacting emotionally, rather than thinking. In this situation, you should think, and try to be a model for both.

You owe your kids support, love, and nurture. That does not always mean equal spending, or rewarding behavior equally, but whenever you walk away from an objective measure, you run the risk of establishing emotional responses as the norm. That is not a game you can win, so no, I would not reward the better one with "hard earned money", outside the scope of allowance-for-tasks.

As Victoria said, your kids will react to near-immediate feedback based clearly on their actions. As I see it, you have stated two problems - fashion instead of study, and attitude.

If your complaint is too much money spent on fashion, cut allowance, or make her pay for a housing expense after each frivolous purchase in a ratio stated up front. Remember too, that if you cut off her allowance after a purchase you find trivial, you are not teaching her to manage money, you are teaching her that you do not value what she finds important. True though that is, she is not going to take the lesson you expect, thus use this as behavioral modification, not value instruction.

If your complaint is that fashion is trivial, I would suggest that it is not. Actors spend a lot of time on image, and it really does determine outcomes. I got better jobs when I started dressing like the people who got paid more than I did.

For her, this is a critical part of the tween social interaction, and she is just now learning the moves. Force her to treat it like any other important task - ask her to do research, compile results, rate things on cost vs benefits, track how many people are wearing each thing, etc. This moves it from an emotional interaction task to something that the frontal lobes can get in on.

Your other concern is "attitude". Try having her maintain an explicit written list of "attitude" markers, with stated punishment for each that are fair and in scope. By having her maintain the list, you can start to short-circuit the "but you did not put eye-rolling on the list. I get free eye-rolling until you do" problem. It also gets her to move part of that to the logical part of her brain.

Good luck. They all grow up, and they become independent people.
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Re: Fair or not

Post by Bogle101 »

Don't treat your children equally, but uniquely. Everyone is not the same and it would be silly to think all your children are identical. Now for major things like healthcare, opportunity to go to college and advice, of course they should be treated equally - but if one shows no aptitude or desire for college, makes no sense to just give that child the college fund money.
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frugaltype
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Re: Fair or not

Post by frugaltype »

swats wrote:Hi,
I don't know if I am in minority here but I would like to know how the parents in this forum deal with such a situation. I have a son who is good in studies and easy to get along with. The opposite is my tween daughter who is not interested in anything but the latest fashions and turned from a sweet little girl to a girl who shows attitude at the slightest thing. We were putting aside some money each month for the kids future. Now, we are rethinking. We know its not fair but we feel we should spend our hard earned money on the kid who deserves it. Are we thinking too much or is it just a phase?
Thanks!
i can't believe you're even considering this. Which one of you is the tween?
reggiesimpson
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Re: Fair or not

Post by reggiesimpson »

A Love Story. When my daughter was 4 she turned to me and said out of the blue "you love Ryan more than me!" Our son at 8. I said thats not true sweetheart i love both of you the same. There was a long moment of silence and then i said "who do you love more me or Mommy?" Her immediate answer....."Mommy of course". And the beat goes on.
So the lesson is. Dont beat yourself up. Be the best parent you can be and never stop loving them.
Last edited by reggiesimpson on Wed Oct 09, 2013 10:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
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archbish99
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Re: Fair or not

Post by archbish99 »

Bogle101 wrote:Don't treat your children equally, but uniquely. Everyone is not the same and it would be silly to think all your children are identical. Now for major things like healthcare, opportunity to go to college and advice, of course they should be treated equally - but if one shows no aptitude or desire for college, makes no sense to just give that child the college fund money.
There's also the fact that, in 529s at least, you remain the owner of the money. You should contribute equally to both -- if, when older, they have differing interest in pursuing college, you can freely move money between them. But don't contribute disproportionately because one is less mature when they're not supposed to be equally mature.
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Quickfoot
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Re: Fair or not

Post by Quickfoot »

If you are talking about spending money, feel free to penalize one for poor behavior.
+1, this is what we do. We had 3 kids, the oldest girl gets in 80% of the trouble easily. That said we still contribute to her college savings account and invest in her future, she will eventually get better she just has a difficult personality.
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Re: Fair or not

Post by TheOscarGuy »

swats wrote:Hi,
I don't know if I am in minority here but I would like to know how the parents in this forum deal with such a situation. I have a son who is good in studies and easy to get along with. The opposite is my tween daughter who is not interested in anything but the latest fashions and turned from a sweet little girl to a girl who shows attitude at the slightest thing. We were putting aside some money each month for the kids future. Now, we are rethinking. We know its not fair but we feel we should spend our hard earned money on the kid who deserves it. Are we thinking too much or is it just a phase?
Thanks!
Really? I am surprised at this question.
I really hope you don't mean "deserve" here. Sure you can be stricter with the kid who is problematic. But saving for one's college and not the other, just because the kid is showing attitude??

Its totally unfair to raise the question/do it for real. She is your kid, if you have the means, which appears like you do, you save money for both. Or divide whatever money budgeted towards the education into two.
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swats
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Re: Fair or not

Post by swats »

Thanks for all the replies.
Trying hard to be a good parent hence asking the experienced parents here. I guess sleepless nights and changing diapers was the easy part.
My son is almost 12. So far its been easy-breezy with him.
Its frustrating as a parent to see my daughter who is so bright to see her getting average grades.
I guess having everything easy come by can make a kid make no effort.
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dm200
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Re: Fair or not

Post by dm200 »

From what I hear, while both sons and daughters can be (very) difficult in the teen years, daughters are more likely to turn from very nice, polite, nice little girls to being very difficult (almost overnight). Our son was "difficult" from a toddler, so being a "difficult" teenager was no overnight shocking transformation. I suggest both patience as well as keeping the financial choices/options as flexible as possible for all the children.
Hikes_With_Dogs
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Re: Fair or not

Post by Hikes_With_Dogs »

This post makes me really sad.

Daughters often have a harder time growing up than boys do. Give the poor girl a chance. It's a difficult time for them.

If you had taken a snap shot of me when I was 12/13 you would have thought I'd end up dead under a bridge or something. I was angry, full of attitude, getting Ds in school, and lived in foster care.

Now I have a Ph.D. in a STEM field and pull in 6 figures and have my own daughter.

As stated before, feel free to penalize based on behavior, but don't change your long term goals or savings program for a child's emotional and physical phase. If you're lucky she'll be over it by 14.
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Re: Fair or not

Post by gamemaster32 »

Just made an account to offer a relevant anecdote.

My older sister was a pretty difficult teenager (and from my experience working in schools, most teenage girls have a harder time than boys). My father was a fairly emotional operator and thought along these lines. I was clearly favored in my family because I had an easier time in school and didn't really cause problems, so I'm certain my sister felt slighted by this.

She had an attitude. She and my dad yelled at each other a lot. My dad struggled with her 'attitude' and her concern with fitting in more than paying attention in school and thought she would not make much of her life.

Flash forward years later. My sister is a well adjusted, normal person. She owns her own business. She is the mother of 2. All around she turned out great.

When she became an adult, she wrote our dad a letter explaining that she never wanted to speak to him again. And she held to that until he got colon cancer.

I guess the point is, don't favor one child because they are easier to deal with unless you want to risk completely losing them. Teenage years are hard. Being an American teenager is very hard. For most, it is simply a phase and it will pass. Don't beat them up too much for going through a rough time.
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HomerJ
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Re: Fair or not

Post by HomerJ »

I have two daughters, one is 27, one is 21...

Teen-age years were terrible at times... Now everything is great... Seems pretty typical to me... Tweens and teen-agers sometimes require a firm hand.

P.S. Take away the phone! If she doesn't have a phone, get her one, then take it away! Best. Punishment. Ever.
Rupert
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Re: Fair or not

Post by Rupert »

Totally agree with previous posters. The tween years are horrible for girls. I think it's sometimes hard for fathers in particular to even imagine what girls are going through at that age. Their bodies are completely out of control, just as with boys, but they also have to deal with other tween girls, who are so so so judgmental and mean at that age. It really is very very hard. I can't even think of enough adjectives to emphasize how awful it is. So cut her some slack. I don't mean to suggest you should tolerate bad behavior, but you should continue to invest in her future. And, if you don't do this already, consider removing her from her normal environment as much as possible. Take her places, away from her normal clique of friends. If you're a religious sort, mission trips on school vacations are a great way to build character and get her around good people while at the same time showing her that there are other ways to live in the world (besides the American material way) and teaching her to be grateful for what she has. There are lots of non-religious volunteer-oriented vacation opportunities available as well.
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Re: Fair or not

Post by Rodc »

One: this too shall pass - you need a VERY MUCH longer view.

Two: You want to make this worse and make your kids end up hating each other? Keep thinking like this and act on those thoughts.
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sesq
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Re: Fair or not

Post by sesq »

Playing favorites (in affection, money, attention, etc) is something that would echo through your kids lives. Total lose-lose.
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ResearchMed
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Re: Fair or not

Post by ResearchMed »

sesq wrote:Playing favorites (in affection, money, attention, etc) is something that would echo through your kids lives. Total lose-lose.
Rodc wrote:One: this too shall pass - you need a VERY MUCH longer view.

Two: You want to make this worse and make your kids end up hating each other? Keep thinking like this and act on those thoughts.
Agreed!
And you'll likely also have at least one of the children later hating you.

And... IF you are thinking this way, and enough to be writing about it, chances are VERY good that your daughter already senses some of your feelings (possibly even more strongly than you yourselves feel them).
Your son probably does, too.

It would probably help all of you - both parents, your daughter, and your son - if you were able to speak with someone about parenting, and how to minimize showing much of those negative feelings.

Parenting is perhaps one of the most difficult tasks ever, and it goes on for years, and years, ... and years...
And unfortunately, there is NO "informed consent" process about parenting that occurs before "it's too late" :oops: even for the best planned, most eagerly awaited babies.

Your actions, words, and other non-verbal communication are speaking volumes to both of your children, and it will only make things worse.

Very few parents get through this full process easily, and the tween/teen/young adult years are especially difficult. And they can be extremely worrisome.

For all you know, your daughter will end up a successful, happy <insert whatever she ends up doing - fashion designer? or physicist? - who knows!?>, and your son may end up dropping out of that fancy college and joining a cult. (If so, hopefully he'll "be back" soon, too!)

It's not easy.
Try to make it "easIER" for all of you by doing you very best imitation of being fair, and hopefully it will come to feel natural again.
Was there a time when they were both very young, and you loved them both and had the grandest of dreams for both?
Try to REMEMBER those feelings, and help them to return.

We had some VERY rocky roads with both children, and in one case, we weren't even sure she'd survive the path she temporarily took. At one point, we had to take legal action to "protect her from herself", and her rage was truly unreal.
Years later, she has raised lovely, intelligent, well behaved children of her own. Honestly, we would have said that couldn't possibly ever happen.

Things can change. "This too shall pass" (hopefully!).

RM
Andyrunner
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Re: Fair or not

Post by Andyrunner »

I cant contribute but I must say: I have a 2 month old daughter...NOT looking forward to this age. Hopefully she is as smart, chill and easygoing as my wife is.

You always hear old people say "I miss having an infant or young child" never hear an old person say "I miss having a teenager in my house"
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Re: Fair or not

Post by Christine_NM »

Ah yes. Tweens are the worst years. I was in more or less chronic misery at ages 12-13, then intermittent fury from 14 to 15. I behaved abominably to my parents. It will pass. The sweet little girl will show up again, modified by the ravages of puberty.

Your daughter's life will be determined by thousands of little acts of hers and the adults she knows in the ten years or so, not by your money. Do with it as you see fit.
Last edited by Christine_NM on Wed Oct 09, 2013 2:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Atilla
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Re: Fair or not

Post by Atilla »

This is easy. Set aside equal amounts of money and set reasonable equal standards that have to be met to access that money when the time comes. If the girl doesn't live up to standards set for both kids - tough toenails. :sharebeer
Gus
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Re: Fair or not

Post by Gus »

We are saving the same amount for each of our children's educations. However, if one of them requires less he or she will get less. For example, if my son goes to a vocational high school and becomes an electrician but doesn't go to college he won't need the money that we saved for his education. That money is ours, not his. It's just currently earmarked for his educational needs.

Both of our kids are involved in sports. Our son's sports cost a few hundred dollars a year. Our daughter's gymnastics training costs about $5,000 a year. The money is nowhere near equal but they are both getting the support they need to succeed in their chosen sports and they will continue to receive it as long as we can afford it and as long as they continue working hard to earn it.

A woman I work with kept track of how much she spent on each of her kids' educations. Three of them went to college and used a lot of money. The other one became a comedian. He didn't go to college. She looked at her ledger, saw they she had given each of the others about $60,000, and gave the comedian $60,000 to do with as he saw fit. She subscribed to the "fair means equal" philosophy. Fortunately, the comedian was a hard worker and succeeded, though the $60,000 was blown on a movie that very few people have ever seen. I don't take issue with how she did it but I wouldn't have done what she did.
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by InvestorNewb »

I don't have any children but if I did, I would create retirement accounts for all of them in equal amounts. It's the only fair thing to do.
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frugaltype
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Re: Fair or not

Post by frugaltype »

Gus wrote: A woman I work with kept track of how much she spent on each of her kids' educations. Three of them went to college and used a lot of money. The other one became a comedian. He didn't go to college. She looked at her ledger, saw they she had given each of the others about $60,000, and gave the comedian $60,000 to do with as he saw fit. She subscribed to the "fair means equal" philosophy. Fortunately, the comedian was a hard worker and succeeded, though the $60,000 was blown on a movie that very few people have ever seen. I don't take issue with how she did it but I wouldn't have done what she did.
That's the way things worked in my family, equal treatment for the kids. If one went to college and one didn't, the latter got an equal amount towards a house or whatever.

I'm still kind of stunned by the OP's original post. These are practically small children in the long view of things, and as others have posted, the tween/teen years are terrible for many.
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by lloydbraun »

As a college prof. who teaches undergrads I can tell you that the vast majority of my best students are female. From my own memories of being a teenage boy, almost all early teens are crazy! But at least most of the girls turn out well by 18 or 19. The boys calm down by 24-25.
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by Achelois »

I am almost 62 now, but when I was 16 and contemplating college after I got out of high school, I spoke to my father about finances. He told me he would help my brother, but not me because I was just going to get married and it would be wasted money.

It was a different time,to be sure, and many women did marry and leave the workforce, but I had always planned to work and have done so. Eventually I got my education without help from my parents, but I had to do so part time and it put me about ten years behind. My brother, who is younger than I, is retired with a good pension. I am still working.

It was not my brother's fault, of course, but I have not seen much of him since then and whenever I see him or think of him, that is in my mind. I realize it may be petty, but it still hurts.

Please do not do that to your children.
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Re: Fair or not

Post by hicabob »

swats wrote:My son is almost 12.
Well that 'splains it all. Give him a year or two and he may just give DD a run for the money :twisted: . Girls do tend to mature earlier, which often comes with rebellious behavior ... which is just part of becoming an independent adult.
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by leonard »

Interesting that the nature vs nurture controversy was settled so conclusively in favor of "nature". Is there no culpability for the one of them "deserving" less. Or just judge the outcome - and divvy up the money - irrespective of ones role in it.
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Re: Fair or not

Post by Gnirk »

VictoriaF wrote:People respond to measures that follow their actions very soon and are clearly related to their actions. If the daughter is deprived of spending money immediately after some frivolous purchases, she will modify her spending behavior. If the daughter is left out from the will years after she has engaged in some undesired behavior, she will be angry or bitter but she will not learn anything from it.

Victoria
+2
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by Gnirk »

Raising kids ain't easy. And it's important to discipline your children appropriately (and consistently), based on their behavior AT THE TIME. And to encourage them when they do thing right. I made sure my girls knew the rules, and the consequences if they broke them. And when they did (because they will) I followed through with the consequences. But never would I have ever considered helping one with college and not the other.

Many times during their teen-age years I was called the "meanest mother in the world". And many times since then, starting in their late twenties, they THANKED me for setting boundaries!

In all likelihood, your son will, at some point, test you too. Will you then pull his college fund?
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by Gnirk »

Raising kids ain't easy. And it's important to discipline your children appropriately (and consistently), based on their behavior AT THE TIME. And to encourage them when they do thing right. I made sure my girls knew the rules, and the consequences if they broke them. And when they did (because they will) I followed through with the consequences. But never would I have ever considered helping one with college and not the other.

Many times during their teen-age years I was called the "meanest mother in the world". And many times since then, starting in their late twenties, they THANKED me for setting boundaries!

In all likelihood, your son will, at some point, test you too. Will you then pull his college fund?
Rodc
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Re: Fair or not

Post by Rodc »

hicabob wrote:
swats wrote:My son is almost 12.
Well that 'splains it all. Give him a year or two and he may just give DD a run for the money :twisted: . Girls do tend to mature earlier, which often comes with rebellious behavior ... which is just part of becoming an independent adult.
Yeah, I was an angle at 12. But a couple three years later I drove my parents crazy. But in the end I did not end up living under a bridge.
We live a world with knowledge of the future markets has less than one significant figure. And people will still and always demand answers to three significant digits.
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by surfhb »

Stay The course! She'll turn out fine :)

Actually Im a little disturbed by the OPs attitude towards his daughter. What wrong with the latest fashions? A preteen who's mouthy?! Say it isnt so!
Last edited by surfhb on Wed Oct 09, 2013 9:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by gasman »

After you and your spouse are dead they will only have each other. Leaving more to one child has a very strong chance of destroying their relationship. Make clear what you are willing to fund and support it equally for both children during your lifetime for things that you value, e.g., education, a start up business (selectively), a first wedding, a house downpayment. After that I would do 50-50. In my family I saw the "good citizen kid" get more family resources during and after his parents lives than other siblings. The successful good citizen is now estranged from his other siblings.
beachplum
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by beachplum »

It would be in your best interest,as well as your childrens', to go to the library/bookstore and read books on how to deal with teens and what to expect at this age. BTW, it's a stereotype that girls have it harder/are harder. I don't have experience raising sons, but saw how difficult some of their male classmates/friends could be and their risky behavior especially when it came to driving.
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frugaltype
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by frugaltype »

Achelois wrote:I am almost 62 now, but when I was 16 and contemplating college after I got out of high school, I spoke to my father about finances. He told me he would help my brother, but not me because I was just going to get married and it would be wasted money.

It was a different time,to be sure, and many women did marry and leave the workforce, but I had always planned to work and have done so. Eventually I got my education without help from my parents, but I had to do so part time and it put me about ten years behind. My brother, who is younger than I, is retired with a good pension. I am still working.

It was not my brother's fault, of course, but I have not seen much of him since then and whenever I see him or think of him, that is in my mind. I realize it may be petty, but it still hurts.

Please do not do that to your children.
That happened to my Mom and her sister. They both wanted to be teachers, but got the No college you'll just get married speech from their parents. The boys, well, that was different. What a waste, because they both would have been wonderful teachers.

I lost out on a good job opportunity at SRI, because "We don't want to hire someone who'll just get married and quit." This when I had a master's in a hard science from one of the best schools in the country.
Texas hold em71
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by Texas hold em71 »

You are going to punish her later in life for her behavior at 11-12? Wow!

Did your son take longer to potty train than she did? How much less are you saving for his future than hers because of that? Who slept through the night first and how much of a bump are they getting in the college fund for it?

This type of score-keeping is very sad and strikes me as petty. When you became parents surely you did not think it was all a bed of roses? Were you and your spouse never Tweens or teenagers?

Bad behavior in a tween should be dealt with immediately. Ground her, talk to her, send her to her room.
tphp99
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by tphp99 »

I feel your pain. We have a very similar situation, a daughter who seems to have her head in the cloud and a younger son who is both bright and motivated.

My wife tends to think negatively about our daughter and loves the son dearly. I often have to remind her that it's easy to love our son but our daughter needs our love just as much if not more.

As far as $$. I envision my son a success in whatever he does, and fear my daughter may struggle. My goal is to be there when she needs me. On the other hand, the son may turn out the slacker and the daughter a late blooming superstar.

My mother told me I was a very lazy child. She thought I was never going to grow up. She had doubts that I would make it thru college. It surprised me because I had such an easy time with school. Grades were never a priority, finishing school was never a concern as I knew I could do it. I only focused on what I wanted to do, so when I was focused on school, it appeared that I was lazy - but I was quite industrious hitting thousands of golf balls trying to qualify for the a PGA tour. So, I know my children are capable - I try to guide and not judge.
Grt2bOutdoors
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by Grt2bOutdoors »

Your kids are still young - it sounds like reaching adolescent stage - at that age, kids are kind of finding themselves. I would not base their recent behavior as a condition for financial support - kids are under a significant amount of peer pressure and social media is not very helpful in that regard. Have you seen how tweens dress today? - they are 12 and 13 going on 25! Dating is another potential headache. Girls are tougher to raise, usually. My take is they will likely grow out of it with your guidance over time, keep them away from the influences (ie. bad characters,smoking,drugs,alcohol) do family things together, spend more time with them.

To answer your question - no, I would not play the money game. Treat them equally, otherwise you may foster additional resentment that may cause the behavior to fester into ways you never imagined. Things like two sibilings who used to get along, but now don't speak to each other. Family time where there is constant tension in the air. Trust me, no one should want to get to that stage.
"One should invest based on their need, ability and willingness to take risk - Larry Swedroe" Asking Portfolio Questions
SPG8
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by SPG8 »

swats wrote:We know its not fair but we feel we should spend our hard earned money on the kid who deserves it.
VictoriaF wrote:People respond to measures that follow their actions very soon and are clearly related to their actions.
ResearchMed wrote:It would probably help all of you - both parents, your daughter, and your son - if you were able to speak with someone about parenting, and how to minimize showing much of those negative feelings.
Hmmm.

Maybe if the dad had to set aside extra money for the daughter he'd start doing a better job?
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TomatoTomahto
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by TomatoTomahto »

Grt2bOutdoors wrote:To answer your question - no, I would not play the money game. Treat them equally, otherwise you may foster additional resentment that may cause the behavior to fester into ways you never imagined. Things like two sibilings who used to get along, but now don't speak to each other. Family time where there is constant tension in the air. Trust me, no one should want to get to that stage.
For reasons best known to him and my ex-wife, my older son has estranged himself from me for around 5 years now. His older sister is still close to me. I also have 2 children with my second wife. While I feel the pain of my son's estrangement frequently and intensely, my will very explicitly indicates an equal division of my assets (i.e., 1/4 to each). Anything else would validate the (imo mistaken) view that I might not have loved him sufficiently. I hope to live long enough that we are reconciled.

My step-mother passed away in the past year, and her will was a complicated mess that made one of my sisters feel bad. 2 of us siblings contributed to making it even, as my father would have wished, but a 3rd couldn't see past the (relatively modest amount of) money.

I know you're talking about financial support rather than wills, but I think you are playing with fire.
I get the FI part but not the RE part of FIRE.
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Noobvestor
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by Noobvestor »

swats wrote:Hi,
I don't know if I am in minority here but I would like to know how the parents in this forum deal with such a situation. I have a son who is good in studies and easy to get along with. The opposite is my tween daughter who is not interested in anything but the latest fashions and turned from a sweet little girl to a girl who shows attitude at the slightest thing. We were putting aside some money each month for the kids future. Now, we are rethinking. We know its not fair but we feel we should spend our hard earned money on the kid who deserves it. Are we thinking too much or is it just a phase?
Thanks!
When we were kids, my brother was a (overtly, at least) total screwup, getting kicked out of schools, trouble with contraband (sorry, not going into detail here), and the like. Continued that way through college. I was a basically straight-A kid destined for great things, did great in high school and went on to a good college and to graduate school. Years later, he has been continuously employed for over a decade in high-responsibility, high-paying jobs. I managed to get out of grad school, change course entirely, scramble through starting a business and do fine in the end, but for a long while it looked (overtly) like he was doomed to fail and I was destined to succeed, then it looked the other way for another while. Thankfully, we've both succeeded in the end, and thankfully my parents didn't give me more opportunities or assistance than they gave him. Being fair was the best, in the end.
"In the absence of clarity, diversification is the only logical strategy" -= Larry Swedroe
Gnirk
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Re: Fair or not [Financially supporting one child over anoth

Post by Gnirk »

My Goddaughter was one of those girls with "attitude", wasn't that interested in studying, had a short temper, etc. It was a really tough time through the teen years.Her parents never told her she was "bad" or a screw-up. They encouraged her, they disciplined her, they tore their hair out at times.
Fast forward, she went to college paid for by her parents, did well, and now in her forties, is married with a child, and holds down a high-profile job, with a salary of around $250,000, plus bonuses.

And here we were afraid she was destined for failure.

So, please treat your children as fairly as possible. As my mom told me, be very careful how you view your children. If you tell them they are no good, and a screw-up, they may very likely become just that.
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