Affording stay at home parent

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HomerJ
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by HomerJ »

Jeanz wrote:It speaks well for both of you that you are able to make a somewhat unusual arrangement that meets your needs.
Not so unusual anymore.
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mojave
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by mojave »

This is something we've been considering as well. Do keep in mind that things can happen to take you down a different path - for example, we've considered me being a SAHM however recently my husband was hospitalized with encephalitis and may now have rheumatoid arthritis. He is a commercial carpenter, we're not even 30 yet. What the future may hold, we have no idea but it sure will put a dent in our plans.
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Devil's Advocate
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by Devil's Advocate »

I think it is very important for the parents to feel comfortable with their daycare providers. In my case I am hesitant to use anyone else but myself or my wife. There has been quite a bit of information recently on daycare providers sedating their children with Benadryl and having unfortunate and fatal results. Most recently a four month old died from a benadryl overdose. Also recently in the news there was a family whose dog became very aggressive with the babysitter so the mother started to videotape the daycare provider. The in home provider was found to be physically abusing the toddler. In my instance I do not feel that I should have offspring if I'm not willing to personally "babysit" them. Luckily the wife and I both work part time and our shifts are offset so we make it work. I understand many people are unable to do that. I feel very fortunate.

DA
Last edited by Devil's Advocate on Mon Sep 16, 2013 4:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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TomatoTomahto
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by TomatoTomahto »

HomerJ wrote:
Jeanz wrote:It speaks well for both of you that you are able to make a somewhat unusual arrangement that meets your needs.
Not so unusual anymore.
Very true. It's been a decade or so, and back then it was a bit like being a vegan at a BBQ. At school or sports things now, I'm far from being the only father.
I get the FI part but not the RE part of FIRE.
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TomatoTomahto
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by TomatoTomahto »

mojave wrote:This is something we've been considering as well. Do keep in mind that things can happen to take you down a different path - for example, we've considered me being a SAHM however recently my husband was hospitalized with encephalitis and may now have rheumatoid arthritis. He is a commercial carpenter, we're not even 30 yet. What the future may hold, we have no idea but it sure will put a dent in our plans.
Mohave, I don't want to risk this becoming a closed thread because of medical discussions, but I think it is legal to say that my wife has had RA for many years, and while I would not wish it on anyone, there have been great advances in treatments in the past decade or two. Best wishes to your husband.
I get the FI part but not the RE part of FIRE.
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mojave
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by mojave »

TomatoTomahto wrote:
mojave wrote:This is something we've been considering as well. Do keep in mind that things can happen to take you down a different path - for example, we've considered me being a SAHM however recently my husband was hospitalized with encephalitis and may now have rheumatoid arthritis. He is a commercial carpenter, we're not even 30 yet. What the future may hold, we have no idea but it sure will put a dent in our plans.
Mohave, I don't want to risk this becoming a closed thread because of medical discussions, but I think it is legal to say that my wife has had RA for many years, and while I would not wish it on anyone, there have been great advances in treatments in the past decade or two. Best wishes to your husband.
Thank you, I really appreciate it :)
davebo
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by davebo »

My wife and I moved to a house very close to her work (as a teacher) with the understanding that she would go back to work once her year leave was up. While we could afford to have her stay home, I was a little nervous because we depleted our cash reserves when we purchased the house and we would need to rely on a side-business to provide supplemental income (before that we just saved that money).

She ended up going back to work and it's worked out pretty well. She had a very nice position in a great school district so, if you're going to work, it kinda seemed like it was the best situation. Good pay, good benefits, job security, 5 minute commute, and summers off. My wife still feels guilty about it every now and then, but it'll be easier on her when the kids are in school most of the day. All in all, it was a good move for us.

If I were your wife, I'd attempt to find some part-time work in order to stay fresh. Not sure if that is possible, but might be worth it.
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Hector
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by Hector »

In your situation a person might think that both parents need to work in order to maintain certain standard of living. Another person might think that your wife stay home to raise kids is the standard of life.

I am sure that you would easily find arguments supporting both the sides. Do what is best for your family.
2stepsbehind
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by 2stepsbehind »

EmergDoc wrote:I'm extremely supportive of having a stay at home parent, especially a mom.
Why especially?
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SamGamgee
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by SamGamgee »

As illustrated in this thread, the decision is essentially about what your core values are. Make a decision about that, and the path will be obvious.
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Meg77
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by Meg77 »

I am a female about to get married, and I am already thinking a lot about this decision. One thing I want to point out is that many women who stay home even for just a couple of years end up shifting gears entirely when they go back to work later. Interestingly (if anecdotally), I've read and seen personally that many professional women who stay home for a stint and go back to work later end up going into non-profit or teaching or other "help change the world" type jobs (and many others never work again but volunteer endlessly). Perhaps spending years focused on nurturing rather than earning others makes it hard to go back to cold hard capitalist pursuits. :greedy

Staying current in software development may be difficult or impossible, but that doens't mean she'll never be employable again. If I quit my job to stay home (which for the record I'm currenly leaning against), I am fairly certain I'll never go back to banking afterwards. My fiance insists I could, but my job is sales oriented and after losing a portfolio of clients and my network of relationships (at least in an employer's eyes), it'll be hard to be hired for a similar job later - and impossible to command the same salary. Plus I probably wouldn't even want to! So I'm planning for the idea that this banking thing is Phase One whereas parenting may be Phase Two and some other occupation entirely (starting a business? becoming a teacher? writing a book?) may be Phase Three.

Lives are long; childhood is short. Stay home if you want; nearly anybody can afford it if you prioritize it and really want it. In 14 years your wife will only be in her mid 40s I think you said. She could still have 20+ more years in the workforce by then - plenty of time to launch a new career if she ends up wanting to or if the family needs the income. When my youngest sister went off to college my mom got her masters in math and started teaching high school after 15+ years out of the workforce (previously she'd been in sales). She is 55 now and loves her job and can't imagine retiring and sitting around all day.
"An investment in knowledge pays the best interest." - Benjamin Franklin
2stepsbehind
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by 2stepsbehind »

[Response to OT comments removed by admin LadyGeek]

Frankly, the OP and his wife have more than enough information on this thread to inform their decision. As Chitownlady I believe said it best, it comes down to what they want. The OP seems to believe that his wife would prefer to be at home and they have the finances to make that work. Whether we believe that is the "right decision" for his family is irrelevant as long as they are aware of the potential pitfalls
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by LadyGeek »

I removed a few off-topic posts, some continuity is lost. As a reminder, see: Forum Policy
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Attacks on individuals, insults, name calling, trolling, baiting or other attempts to sow dissension are not acceptable.
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chak
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by chak »

Thanks everyone for your feedback. We have sufficient information to help make our decision and we will take sometime to decide one way or the other. Thank you.
epilnk
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by epilnk »

SteelPenny wrote:It seems that most of the people touting how well SAH worked for them and their families are tending to be the people who are at work. Of course, the SAH spouse might feel the same way, but it's possible that the SAH spouse isn't as happy as the working spouse believes he/she is. The SAH spouse might keep this from the working spouse due to pressure to conform to societal norms and appear happy with the state of the family. Not saying this is the case for the posters in this thread, but would be interesting to hear from more SAH parents in this thread to get an interesting perspective.
As one of the SAH parents, I agree. It is often the best decision to have one parent at home, but overall this comes more at the expense of the at home parent than the other family members, I think. And at least among the women, I think the majority feel a little guilty about their dissatisfaction, even if on balance they would make the same choice, so they try to put the best face on it. I don't get that vibe as much from the SAHDs, though maybe that's because the few I know are more convinced of their choice.
epilnk
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by epilnk »

TomatoTomahto wrote:
HomerJ wrote:I think it's probably more useful to have a parent home from 10-14 than 5-8...
This.

I'd say that you can be very useful at 15 and 16 also. We have some very useful conversations in the car and while dinner is being prepared. Middle school is pretty tough on kids, and high school can be also.
I agree with this. My kids loved the afterschool program until age 8, and complained bitterly when I wouldn't let them spend the afternoons doing awesome projects and organized activities with their friends. But for adolescence there is really no substitute for boots on the ground parenting, even if they don't physically need you around much. Supervision can be outsourced; counseling, advising, and navigating the tricky transfer of control to self regulation cannot. I haven't hit the teens yet but suspect they will need me here then as well.
epilnk
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by epilnk »

TomatoTomahto wrote:
sls239 wrote:Financially speaking, I don't think anyone can say that having a stay-at-home parent is no sacrifice.
I have to respectfully disagree, at least in the limited sample of my family. My wife's income today is almost double what our combined income was when I began staying home with the children.
This is true of our family as well. My husband and I split parenting equally for the first few years, with the kids in daycare; it worked well, the kids thrived, and we were both happy. But we are in a demanding field where 40 hours a week doesn't allow you to get much done. When a series of circumstances led to a reshuffling and I went down to part time, then SAHM, my husband's career went through the roof. Financially we're much better off now. The sacrifice has been personal, not financial - he would like much more time at home, I would like less. Neither of us has work/life balance. But at this point there is really no potential for me to get back into our field at anywhere near my former level, and I wouldn't find a low level position satisfying, so I'm out.
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chak
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by chak »

I just want to update the forum on the decision we have made after carefully evaluating all the advice given by this community. My wife has decided to continue to stay in her job for now and I fully support her decision. We will re-evaluate the decision after a couple of years. As my job is quite demanding and we both have careers, we are outsourcing most of the household chores such as cooking, cleaning, and landscaping. This is giving us sufficient time to spend quality time with kids and also focus on their education without sacrificing quality retirement. Thanks for all your feedback.
Professor Emeritus
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by Professor Emeritus »

chak wrote:I just want to update the forum on the decision we have made after carefully evaluating all the advice given by this community. My wife has decided to continue to stay in her job for now and I fully support her decision. We will re-evaluate the decision after a couple of years. As my job is quite demanding and we both have careers, we are outsourcing most of the household chores such as cooking, cleaning, and landscaping. This is giving us sufficient time to spend quality time with kids and also focus on their education without sacrificing quality retirement. Thanks for all your feedback.
Both DW and I worked continuously until we were in our late 50s early 60s, even with infants. I had the lower paying steadier academic job, she had the high flying intensive medical job. But we took our kids everywhere we went , and we went to every game and play and concert. I am a top hand with a pressing iron, and have been the family cook for 38 years,.
Give themthe example of hard work, and caring and fairness and they will do well
Rodc
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by Rodc »

chak wrote:I just want to update the forum on the decision we have made after carefully evaluating all the advice given by this community. My wife has decided to continue to stay in her job for now and I fully support her decision. We will re-evaluate the decision after a couple of years. As my job is quite demanding and we both have careers, we are outsourcing most of the household chores such as cooking, cleaning, and landscaping. This is giving us sufficient time to spend quality time with kids and also focus on their education without sacrificing quality retirement. Thanks for all your feedback.

Thanks for the update. Glad to hear things are working out well.
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HopeToGolf
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by HopeToGolf »

Another option to consider is having your wife find a company with a flexible work policy. Maybe she can get a job that will allow her to work a schedule that gets her home by the time school is out.
mevertsen
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by mevertsen »

I thought I would chime in on this, being recently married, and my wife being a SAHM.

My wife has an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship, and was a single mom for her from birth. She did have help from her parents, and lived close to them, while working a full time, low pay job. She hated the job, but hated the most that she was not able to raise her daughter, as her parents did a lot while she worked to provide as much as she could. There was no savings of any sort when we got married, although we were able to pay cash for our wedding.

I did not have any signifigant savings either, but do know I will have my state pension. Before we got married, I was in a big circle with credit cards and other problems. That has changed, and we evaluated very carefully what it would do to us to have both of us work. We live in a single industry town (mining), and I am a Deputy Sheriff. My schedule is 4 on 4 off. The mine has a goofy schedule of rotating 4 and 5 days off and on, nights and days. The only other reasonable option for a job would be service related approximately 40 miles away.

With our math, on a purely numbers standpoint, the cost of child care in the first situation would negate most income from her. The cost of vehicle maintanence and fuel would negate most income from the second option.

What we can't quantify, and what was most important for us, was the mental and pshycolocial toll both of us working would have. Trying to constantly schedule things around two very different work schedules, including child care, doctor visits, school activities, and family time would be a nightmare.

My wife stays home. We plan for every dollar that gets spent. Everything gets written down, and talked about before it comes out of the checking account. We are happy, our daughter is happy, and we are slowly putting away a little bit a month, which will increase as some of my previous debts are paid off.

I can actually say I feel comfortable in my financial situation right now.

Your situation may be totally different then mine, but, I thought I would share.
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TomatoTomahto
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by TomatoTomahto »

mevertsen wrote:My wife stays home. We plan for every dollar that gets spent. Everything gets written down, and talked about before it comes out of the checking account. We are happy, our daughter is happy, and we are slowly putting away a little bit a month, which will increase as some of my previous debts are paid off.
My emphasis added. What works for your family is the right answer.
I get the FI part but not the RE part of FIRE.
westie
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by westie »

My son has been a stay-at-home Dad for over two years now. They have a 2 year old and a 5 month old. His wife works from home and makes a livable wage for all of them. The original reason this came about was he lost his job due to downsizing and started receiving unemployment checks for $500+ a week. When he considered going back to work, they investigated day care and found it costs between $350 -$400 a week just for their oldest. They decided the first $900 he'd earn a week would allow them to just break even, so they went this route. I wasn't a big fan of this initially but he's spending time with his kids you can't get back.
sambb
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Re: Affording stay at home parent

Post by sambb »

less income = need to spend less. it is an equation. Overall the decision to stay home is a personal one. However, the cost financially doesn't have to be bad if one cuts back on spending. Less frequent car change, less expensive vacations, and less eating out, amongst 100s of other things. People make this work all the time.
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