Losing Attractiveness Over Time

[Jerilynn]

I started noticing it in my thirties. Now that I'm mid-forties I look at women in their thirties and wish I was still that cute.

You are looking at the wrong women. Spend an hour in a Wal-Mart, you will feel much better about your looks.

[Jerilynn]

nice perspective, hazlitt.

I was expecting him to say something about how gold jewelry makes one better looking.

[travellight]

Is your tag line pertinent to this thread as well, Jerilynn?

"100% natural asset allocation"...

[reggiesimpson]

I knew an elderly couple once that hung onto each other for dear life.................. She was blind and he was deaf. True story.
I dont mean to diminish your concern (i feel the same way) but i wouldnt worry about it too much. Much worse things are going to happen.

[tetractys]

Well, living in the now is financially more efficient, with the lack of suffering from excessive vain imaginings about the past and future a side benefit. -- Tet

[Bob.Beeman]

I work at a local High School and interact a lot with students. Being in my late 60s gives me a "grandpa" image, which eliminates a lot of stupid nonsense.

Earlier this year kids started telling me that I look like Carl Fredricksen in the movie "UP!". I took that to heart and won the Faculty/Staff division of the Halloween Costume contest. Obviously from the picture on the right I "Found Waldo", the runner-up. You be the judge:

http://www.bee-man.us/pictures/

- Bob Beeman

[rocket]

When I went to my 30th year high school reunion, two women talked to me about how hansome I was when I was in high school. It was very strange how they spoke to me.

I had eye lid and eye brow surgery a few days ago. My eyelids became thick and eyebrows drooped with age. It obstructs my vision. People think I am tired by the looks of my eyes. This surgery is paid by my health insurance. Cosmetic surgery is not insurance reimbursable. I discovered there is a lot of misery involved in surgery.

[stemikger]

Have others found it challenging to accept loss of their attractiveness over time? You wake up one morning and the opposite sex doesn't notice that you even exist.

Awesome Post. Yeah it's tough, I had it good for many years, now I've become an old man. Oh well, my wife keeps telling me I still like like John Stamos. LOL

[gkaplan]

How old were the most of you when you noticed this? 30's? 40's?

thirteen

[backofbeyond]

A few things to combat this....

Stay in shape
Maintain an updated but not too trendy wardrobe
Grooming/hygiene/updated but not too trendy haircut
Personality, personality, personality
Be generous (in a reasonable, responsible way), polite and kind

If this doesn't work, then the people you are interested in attracting simply aren't worth your time anyhow.

I couldn't have said it better. Trust me, ladies (and guys too) all over the planet find it easier to be attracted to someone that has those qualities checked off. Well said.

[bengal22]

Joe Namath said it best ... I can't wait until tomorrow because I get better looking every day.

Its all about your attitude and how you carry yourselfs(nice shoes help too)

[Rob5TCP]

A female collegiate says she feels this affects women far more than men and at least in her case I do agree.
I am now close to 55, no longer 140 lbs (5'10") or 175 lbs. Still full set of hair and dark.
She is married and her husband is crazy about her. Admittedly when she was younger she was super hot and now
is still super attractive. She doesn't get the attention she used to (whether she wanted it or not).
Still, she moans how my gf is 15 years younger than me and we do things that she hasn't done in years
(not talking about in the bedroom).
The sad thing is quite a number of 20/30 something should look as good as her.
I guess it's all in perspective.
I do miss being able to run 10 miles and then play 3 hours of basketball and maybe do
a bike ride later.
Still, happy that I am pretty healthy (though no one will mistake me for 25 or
35).

[stemikger]

How old were the most of you when you noticed this? 30's? 40's?

40 for me. Now at 48, and a shaved head Mothers with small children give me dirty looks.

[Jerilynn]

Is your tag line pertinent to this thread as well, Jerilynn?

"100% natural asset allocation"...

From a Seinfeld episode.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BL2PicT9Kng

[aja8888]

How old were the most of you when you noticed this? 30's? 40's?

I noticed it around 65 years old, the opposite sex may have noticed it much sooner.....especially the younger ones. I actually think I am now totally invisible to females under 30.

[Rodc]

Have others found it challenging to accept loss of their attractiveness over time? You wake up one morning and the opposite sex doesn't notice that you even exist.

I thought that's what marriage is for (and my wife still notices I exist, especially when I leave the toilet seat up

I'm only half-joking; I'm married, and I'm happy, and my wife seems happy with me, so I'm not particularly concerned about how other women perceive me. I'm still reasonably vain, so I work on the physical attributes I can do something about - I work out and eat moderately, so at 54, from the neck down I look about the same as I did at 24. From the neck up, I'm starting to look like an old guy. That's okay with me. My wife is pretty much the same (fit, but starting to look like her mother). With luck we'll grow old together.

If I was not married, I might feel differently. But attractiveness is a multi-faceted thing: as I look around, it appears that most women take things other than (or in addition to) physical attractiveness into account in choosing a mate. And we guys have a demographic advantage; as we get older, the ratio of women to men in our age group grows larger, so we face less competition for female attention.

What age group of the opposite sex are you concerned about?

And is it your waning physical attractiveness to the opposite sex that concerns you, or is it physical intimations of your own mortality?

I see my folks, they're getting old, and I watch their bodies change.
I know they see the same in me, and it makes us both feel strange.
No matter how you tell yourself, It's what we all go through...
Those eyes are pretty hard to take when they're staring' back at you.

-Bonnie Raitt, Nick of Time

When I was a young man and in my prime,
I bedded those pretty girls two at a time.
Now that I'm old and turning gray,
Those pretty young girls all look the other way.

-various sea shanties

Thanks for saving the typing. I'm 55. Though I'm the same weight and about as strong as 24, I'm afraid I'm down to 90 minute runs and mile and half swims, rather than 4+ hours and six mile, and my rock climbing is down a click or so. Added: also if one looks at all close, my skin looks my age, not 24. My wife kindly says it is not that I'm getting older, it is just that I don't have the time to train. That is only part of why I love my wife.

But attractive young women not only notice me, they seek me out. Frequently. Really.

I can't even remember how many times some young woman has walked up to me for help, where is the bus stop, do I know what aisle the butter is on? Last year three very fit, well equipped with the latest gear young women were chatting with me at a trail head trail sign. I was headed off of an 8 mile trail run up a mountain on a warmish day in CO. They realized I was not carrying water, perish the thought. They were all concerned and gave me much needed advice so the kindly old man would not keel over on the trail. They were very cute, like having three new caring daughters. I resisted the urge to tell them I had been doing this since before they were born, and simply thanked them and promised to take it easy.

So I guess I look like a completely harmless, vaguely competent, fatherly sort. While I might want to look like the handsome slightly dangerous rouge I never was, I'll take this.

[livesoft]

But attractive young women not only notice me, they seek me out. Frequently. Really.

Interesting. I'm sending you a six-pack of Dos Equis.

[norookie]

But attractive young women not only notice me, they seek me out. Frequently. Really.

Interesting. I'm sending you a six-pack of Dos Equis.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygeWsoYYMuQ

[Rodc]

But attractive young women not only notice me, they seek me out. Frequently. Really.

Interesting. I'm sending you a six-pack of Dos Equis.

Dark please.

So I guess I look like a completely harmless, vaguely competent, fatherly sort. While I might want to look like the handsome slightly dangerous rouge I never was, I'll take this.

Alas, I don't think I'll be picked for beer commercials, but I would still like the beer.

[jginseattle]

I work at a local High School and interact a lot with students. Being in my late 60s gives me a "grandpa" image, which eliminates a lot of stupid nonsense.

Earlier this year kids started telling me that I look like Carl Fredricksen in the movie "UP!". I took that to heart and won the Faculty/Staff division of the Halloween Costume contest. Obviously from the picture on the right I "Found Waldo", the runner-up. You be the judge:

http://www.bee-man.us/pictures/

- Bob Beeman

Good costume. And good sense of humor.

[khh]

Cosmetic enhancements are an integral part of our culture.

I wonder how much... I think there is a great deal of marketing money being expended to convince us that they are.

And it is not such a new phenomenon; in the 1960s, MAD Magazine once included a thin LP packaged right with the magazine:

"She got a nose job! She got a nose job!
It's now turned up instead of hanging down!
She got a nose job! She got a nose job!
And now she's the prettiest gal in town."

I remember that! You put the square record on the turntable. Must've been early 60s. I may still have it someplace.

[btenny]

This is a great topic for my group of retirement friends. A key member of the group is a Plastic Surgeon who does "enhancements" of all types and has tuned up some of the ladies a little and his wife a lot. He also has clipped a few saging eye lids. Other members of the group just take real good care of themselves and were ultra hot in their younger days, both men and women. One guy was a model and Chippendale dancer. One lady did fashion modeling in NY and Cal. But the rest of us are just ordinary people ageing gracefully as best we can. The interesting thing is talk to these various people and see how they handle themselves now that most are in their late 50s to late 60s or older. All of us are just old now, so we all have grey/white hair but many "color it", even many of the guys. Some of us are getting old age fat but others are fighting the bulge successfully. Even the ones that got "work done" are ageing but boy some just look "pretty" versus the rest of us old coots. And the best looking ones are amazing for their ages. The two models spend hours at the gym and take good care of themselves and it shows. Both could pass for 40 if you did not look close. But not the rest of us. Oh well...

But the most admired member of our group is 91 and has never had any work done. He has flowing thick white hair and still skiis every day all winter and has a beer regularly and drives and dances at our parties and so forth. He is a blast and his girl friend thinks so too. She is 70ish.

So life is what you make of it. Have fun.
Bill

[JupiterJones]

Have others found it challenging to accept loss of their attractiveness over time? You wake up one morning and the opposite sex doesn't notice that you even exist.

See, this is why I'm glad that I've always been unattractive. It's difficult to get neurotic over losing your looks when you never had any to begin with!

JJ

[Mrs.Feeley]

Have others found it challenging to accept loss of their attractiveness over time? You wake up one morning and the opposite sex doesn't notice that you even exist.

The opposite sex never noticed I existed so not much of a sense of loss there. However I've noticed that as I grow older the young men who fix broken things in our house more frequently make the sort of cutesy, pseudo-flirty comments they must make when visiting their grandma and her friends at the assisted-living facility. Like "What's a cute young lady like you doing with such an old broken-down wreck of a wash machine? Te-he!" You know, the charm-an-old-woman-by-telling-her-she-looks-young comments, those seem to multiply by the year.

[Rodc]

On being invisible:

I think older people, ie far from being a 20-something, do not have to be invisible to young people. I enjoy talking with people and engaging, and that is especially true with teens and 20-somethings. I enjoy my friend's kids, talking to them is fresher than talking with cynical old people I have known for decades. I chat with younger folks at the gym, out for a walk, waiting in line, whatever. And they respond favorably.

There are some tricks if you want to engage. Look them in the eyes. Smile. See if they look back at you or smile back. Ask questions or make comments on things you think they are interested in. Ask for their opinion. Don't lecture or rant. Listen. Keep it light unless you know them well. Keep it fairly short, they are probably happy to chat for a minute or two, but may not want you to hang around for a long time as a buddy. Don't tell them how wise you are and how naive young people are, don't imply it either (may be true but it does not wear well). If they don't want to engage, do not press, just move on. Basically all the stuff you do if you want to engage folks from 2 to 100.

You certainly will not engage everyone, nor do you want to. But enough opportunities arise if you are so inclined. If not, well no surprise you feel invisible.

I find young people are open and friendly pretty much all the time if you approach this properly.

I have several 20-something neighborhood "kids" who if around and I need a strong back to help hustle something heavy from car to house will pop right over to help. I am a sometime member of a university outing group which tends towards young, but has members into their 60s. From time to time I rock or ice climb with folks 30 year younger than I am and they are universally accepting. When I was mid 40s with twin infants in a double wide stroller, young people including teens routinely stepped up ahead of me or paused to help with doors, etc. Young people are just fine and willing to engage with older folks.

At 55 if I were to look for honest flirting or attraction from 20 or 30 year old women, sure, I should expect to be invisible. Actually they would see me but act like I'm invisible since I'd be a creepy old man. But being acknowledged by and engaged by young folks is entirely possible. It is all in the approach and attitude.

[Call_Me_Op]

The one benefit I have noticed is I get stalked less often now.

[PaddyMac]

I hang around with a lot of 40 - 70 year olds in various organizations (I'm 52). There is not much difference between an "old" 40 year old and a "young" 60 year old.

We're all getting older, but you can fight back and not just let yourself go. Keep yourself at a good weight, take care of your skin, and dress well. Keep up with technology - nothing says "old" like a comment such as - "I refuse to use facebook/email/twitter because they are exist out to steal your privacy...I read it somewhere..." In another decade it will be something else.

Keep your home refreshed as well; old people have a tendency to keep old stuff around even though it should have been in a garage sale years ago. Old musty dated home = old musty dated mind, imho.

As for cosmetic surgery: My 80+ neighbor said it was the best thing she ever did (not sure when she did it), as it took 10 years off her face. She recommends that every woman set aside some money to have her face tightened when they are older! I can't see ever doing it, but she is very happy she did.

[Jerilynn]

As for cosmetic surgery: My 80+ neighbor said it was the best thing she ever did (not sure when she did it), as it took 10 years off her face.

So, she doesn't look 'a day over 70+'?

[Fallible]

Have others found it challenging to accept loss of their attractiveness over time? You wake up one morning and the opposite sex doesn't notice that you even exist.

The opposite sex never noticed I existed so not much of a sense of loss there. However I've noticed that as I grow older the young men who fix broken things in our house more frequently make the sort of cutesy, pseudo-flirty comments they must make when visiting their grandma and her friends at the assisted-living facility. Like "What's a cute young lady like you doing with such an old broken-down wreck of a wash machine? Te-he!" You know, the charm-an-old-woman-by-telling-her-she-looks-young comments, those seem to multiply by the year.

I bet if you told him you can do big repair jobs (remembering the ones you've mentioned on the forum), he'd change his tune.

[Confused]

I'm not opposed to cosmetic procedures, but am too cheap to pay for them. I've thought about spending thousands of dollars to have my face lasered, but instead decided to spend the money on a vacation to the tropics where my poor face got even more sun-damaged (sigh...)

I never reveal which of us is the male and which of us is the female, but between my spouse and I, the one of us that is male had facial hair lasered and it only cost $450 for fourteen sessions. Ten down, four to go. If the results still aren't satisfictory after those, we can purchase another eight sessions for $300. You can get laser for lots less than "thousands".

As for attractiveness, it's a growing concern of mine as I approach my 30s. I use various skin products and hair products to try to prevent the aging process. Thrice in the last few weeks I was told I look younger than I really am, so that means so far so good.

[travellight]

I am always mistaken for younger than my real age.... problem is, the mistaken number keeps moving up!!! Used to be 17-25, now I am mistaken for mid-thirties. So there is aging any way you look at it.

[Abe]

I was at McDonalds the other day, and when I gave the young lady my order, I told her I was a senior citizen, which I am. She didn't give me my discount. I don't know if that is good or bad.

[mptfan]

I was at McDonalds the other day, and when I gave the young lady my order, I told her I was a senior citizen, which I am. She didn't give me my discount. I don't know if that is good or bad.

That is good, you should have thanked her.

[Taylor Larimore]

Bogleheads:

There is much more to life than being "attractive" (especially when you're 88):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?edit=vd&v=ViCJuJp2i6E

Best wishes
Taylor

[livesoft]

I was at the eye doctor's office paying for the treatment of a young attractive woman that I have lived with a long time. As I went up to check out, the clerk said, "Mr. Soft, here is Mrs. Soft's bill for today."

My high-school-age daughter was not amused.

[MathWizard]

Have others found it challenging to accept loss of their attractiveness over time? You wake up one morning and the opposite sex doesn't notice that you even exist.

To answer the question: No.

I am assuming you mean members of the opposite sex who are your age. If not, that that is probably the problem.

As the members of the opposite sex have gotten get older, and wiser, and hormones no longer rule every action, they realize that physical attractiveness matters less. Intelligence, good judgement, faithfulness, thoughtfulness and good character matter so much more.

It does take a long time to discover these traits, and impatient youth focus only on a quick judgement of physical attractiveness.

[friar1610]

Sure they do, only now they call me "Sir" and offer to help me get my walker into/out of the car.

I was career military and was addressed as "sir" and addressed a lot of others as "sir." One day shortly after I retired, a young person held a door open for me; I said thanks. She said "You're welcome, sir." It was at that point I realized that "sir" had taken on a whole new meaning in my life.

[Sheepdog]

It hit me rather young. I was a college student going to school on the GI Bill. I was about 25 or 26, or so, walking by the Student Union when this cute young 18 year old thing came up to me smiling, and I smiled back. Then she said "Sir, do you have the time?" Sir????? Devastating.
Now 79, I am just happy to be here with a wife who thinks I am handsome, no hair and all that. Others say I don't look that age. That feels good.. I am happy with that. So, vanity never really leaves us at any age, I believe. I could be called much worse than that!
By the way, I like being called "Sir" now...
Jim

[Rodc]

I was at the eye doctor's office paying for the treatment of a young attractive woman that I have lived with a long time. As I went up to check out, the clerk said, "Mr. Soft, here is Mrs. Soft's bill for today."

My high-school-age daughter was not amused.

I have a now 25 year old daughter and twin 12 year old boys. When we were all out and about a few years later, every now and then someone assumed she was the mom. She was not amused either.

[Grasshopper]

Reminds me of Gramps, he was speaking about a wall street broker he traded with in the 60's.

" He was a very big man, when he stood on his money."

[Sheepdog]

Bogleheads:

There is much more to life than being "attractive" (especially when you're 88):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?edit=vd&v=ViCJuJp2i6E

Best wishes
Taylor

That is the life, Taylor. Congratulations. Thanks for sharing the race with us.
JIm

[nisiprius]

To the young 'uns, when you see Medicare Part D brochures with a picture like this

or this
,
remember that these models look young and sexy--to the target audience.

It weirds me out when catalogs like Hammacher Schlemmer use models in their twenties to demonstrate products that appeal to a more elderly demographic. This is the typical user of a gadget that uses "the cooling temperatures of cryotherapy to eliminate eye puffiness, tighten skin, and reduce wrinkles?"

[Rodc]

Nisi,

Good to remember too 99.44% of those good looking seniors are photo-shopped.

I was talking with a professional photographer just a few days ago on the techniques they use. They know how build a better you with enough subtlety that it is not obvious.

At least I choose to believe him that these folks (and super models as well) do not look nearly as good in real life.

[norookie]

Bogleheads:

There is much more to life than being "attractive" (especially when you're 88):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?edit=vd&v=ViCJuJp2i6E

Best wishes
Taylor

THANKS for sharing that 45min video!.... Jamaica pond in BOS does not hold a candle to that sailing!

[Curlyq]

I started noticing it in my thirties. Now that I'm mid-forties I look at women in their thirties and wish I was still that cute.

You are looking at the wrong women. Spend an hour in a Wal-Mart, you will feel much better about your looks.

+1 I teach college and am arguably healthier and more fit than my students 30-years my junior. Many are already dealing with the health effects of obesity, diabetes, and other weight- and poor diet-related ailments.

I don't really care about my scars and signs of aging because I'm out there, in the middle of life, and enjoying it to the fullest.

[Fallible]

To the young 'uns, when you see Medicare Part D brochures with a picture like this

or this
,
remember that these models look young and sexy--to the target audience....

If you've visited enough (one is enough) nursing homes, assisted living centers, adult day care centers, group homes or continuous care centers, or have tried to adequately care for ailing parents or relatives in their homes, you know how far from reality photos such as these can be. I may just be overreacting, but compared to much of what goes on out there, I sometimes consider photos like these not just unrealistic but cruel.

[hazlitt777]

nice perspective, hazlitt.

I was expecting him to say something about how gold jewelry makes one better looking.

Travellight, thank you.

Jerilynn, you are a funny guy.

[black jack]

What fools we mortals be. From about age 10 to 20, we want to look older than we are, in our 20s we're fairly happy looking our age, and after 30 we want to look younger than we are.

Sure they do, only now they call me "Sir" and offer to help me get my walker into/out of the car.

I was career military and was addressed as "sir" and addressed a lot of others as "sir." One day shortly after I retired, a young person held a door open for me; I said thanks. She said "You're welcome, sir." It was at that point I realized that "sir" had taken on a whole new meaning in my life.

I was raised - in the south - to address every adult male as "sir" (and every adult femaile as "ma'am"), which I pretty much still do, even to those half my age (not sure how they all take it, now that I'm living in the mid-Atlantic region). So being addressed as "sir" doesn't bother me.

To the young 'uns, when you see Medicare Part D brochures with a picture like this

or this
,
remember that these models look young and sexy--to the target audience....

If you've visited enough (one is enough) nursing homes, assisted living centers, adult day care centers, group homes or continuous care centers, or have tried to adequately care for ailing parents or relatives in their homes, you know how far from reality photos such as these can be. I may just be overreacting, but compared to much of what goes on out there, I sometimes consider photos like these not just unrealistic but cruel.

Well, it's true those photos are far from the reality of many older people - but there are many younger people whose reality is very far from that of typical young people photos. On my run today I passed a few people walking who looked like they were in their 20s and were so obese that their silhouettes were approaching circularity. I suppose such photos may seem cruel to them - to say nothing of the young people who are physically marred by illness, injury, or genetic disorder.

Which leads me to this point, for the OP and everyone else: thinking about what you don't have, or have lost, is a great way to make yourself unhappy. Being thankful for what you have is a good step toward being happy. There is a tremendous amount of suffering in this world, in light of which being concerned about fading physical attractiveness seems absurdly inconsequential. If you have a sound mind in a sound body, rejoice and be grateful for your good fortune - and smiling is very attractive.

[Mrs.Feeley]

Have others found it challenging to accept loss of their attractiveness over time? You wake up one morning and the opposite sex doesn't notice that you even exist.

The opposite sex never noticed I existed so not much of a sense of loss there. However I've noticed that as I grow older the young men who fix broken things in our house more frequently make the sort of cutesy, pseudo-flirty comments they must make when visiting their grandma and her friends at the assisted-living facility. Like "What's a cute young lady like you doing with such an old broken-down wreck of a wash machine? Te-he!" You know, the charm-an-old-woman-by-telling-her-she-looks-young comments, those seem to multiply by the year.

I bet if you told him you can do big repair jobs (remembering the ones you've mentioned on the forum), he'd change his tune.

Oh no! Then I would get a patronizing little speech. Like "So you're a home fix-up gal, eh? <chuckle> <wink> Let me tell you how your furnace works. You see, the gas comes in here on this long narrow pipe. And that big fat pipe vents the furnace. And when you turn on the thermostat upstairs the burner inside goes on. Now this over here is your hot water tank. It has a pilot light. The pilot light is on all the time. That's right, ALL THE TIME. And this over here with the big tank is your water softener...."

Young pretty girls tell me that in these situations one of the advantages of being young and pretty is that when the repair guy hands over the bill you can start sobbing--in a young and pretty way of course--that you're flat broke, and they'll take $50 off the bill. And sometimes they'll even rip up the bill. I had a friend who was really a pro at this. Alas, I could never figure out how to get this tactic to work for me.

[Mrs.Feeley]

Being thankful for what you have is a good step toward being happy. There is a tremendous amount of suffering in this world, in light of which being concerned about fading physical attractiveness seems absurdly inconsequential. If you have a sound mind in a sound body, rejoice and be grateful for your good fortune - and smiling is very attractive.

So very, very true! And worth remembering at every chance. All one has to do is to step into an ICU or assisted-living facility to feel grateful for health, happiness, the freedom to move about and do as one pleases, and enjoy every precious day on this beautiful earth!