Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

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webenterpreneur
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Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by webenterpreneur »

We are having our first baby next month, and we are preparing in advance for this. It is something we always wanted, since we are already successful financially and we would want a new challenge in our life. My wife works for my company too and we both work at home. We love to travel, and we still want to travel if possible before the baby goes to school. We want to give all our time and love to our baby.

At this point, we still work about 6 hours a day running my business. Goal is to automate it as much as possible, so that when baby arrives, we can spend and devote our time with her. I am 28 years old, and I have built our Vanguard portfolio good enough to support ourselves financially for at least 6 to 7 years down the road with a conservative asset allocation.

Being a college dropout, all of my fortune is built on my online business, which I see to last another 3 years, after which, I don't know what to do. I cannot imagine myself later on in life working 8 hours a day, even if I am earning $100k a year. I am trying to built a bigger portfolio that will last more years, but now it is looking at my priorities, if I want to spend my day in front of my computer or in front of my baby.

The top priority is just being happy at home, feeling the love in the air. Do you think I should start shifting my focus away from work?
livesoft
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by livesoft »

I wanted my daughter to grow up to be an independent thinking adult. So I never wanted to spend all my time and devotion on her.

Thus, I don't think you should shift your focus from work. Indeed, you do not work enough as it is. You need to work more and apparently worry about the baby less.

In the old days there was a book titled something like "The Self-calmed Baby". Nowadays there are books about helicopter parenting and tiger moms and blackhawk helicopter parenting. Read these books and see if you see yourself going down those roads.

PS: Love in the air is great, but usually there is reality in the air mostly.
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FelixTheCat
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by FelixTheCat »

Congratulations!

I suggest using FireCalc http://www.firecalc.com/ to see if your portfolio will last as long as you desire. Personally, I would keep working so you can take of your family.
Felix is a wonderful, wonderful cat.
vveat
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by vveat »

Since your wife works for your company, after the baby comes you may need to actually put in more hours to compensate for her absence

And travelling with a baby (or a toddler) is (1) usually a hassle; (2) not that beneficial for the child, if you want to expose them to culture and experience you'll be disappointed how little they retain. I would focus same or more on work, especially given your light load currently, and save the travel for when the kid is of school age.

And don't make big changes before the baby arrives, you never know how will you feel about spending a lot of time caring for a little kid. Some people go running back to work.
TomTX
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by TomTX »

Get lots of sleep now. Like, all the time until the baby arrives.

Have lots of sex now. Like, all the time until the baby arrives.
ctreada
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by ctreada »

Ha! Some excellent advice above.

You can't really spend all your time with the baby without going crazy. And as a previous commenter mentioned, you'll make the child incredibly dependent on you by spending too much time with him/her. The socialization benefits of daycare cannot be overstated.

Really a few hours a day and the entire weekend should be enough, even when the baby is no longer a potted plant (i.e. when crawling & walking).

My wife was upset she was working early on, but then came to appreciate it when she realized how insane she'd go "overspending" time with the child.

Just my two cents...
greenfire
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by greenfire »

I don't think that doting on a baby will make them dependent. Sheesh. They are babies. They need a secure foundation of love and caring adults who will guide them. They are only little once. My view: take time off from work as much as you can afford and spend as much time with them as you can. they grow up soon enough.
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Watty
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by Watty »

We want to give all our time and love to our baby.

It would be good to keep some other interests in your life so that you can be a roll model for your kid in how to be a well rounded adult.
lululu
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by lululu »

greenfire wrote:I don't think that doting on a baby will make them dependent. Sheesh. They are babies. They need a secure foundation of love and caring adults who will guide them. They are only little once. My view: take time off from work as much as you can afford and spend as much time with them as you can. they grow up soon enough.
+1

Also, my parents took us on trips that I only have hazy piecemeal memories of, but I do have those memories and better yet knowing my parents cared enough to take us kids along. Also, on trips take photos of the family.
J295
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by J295 »

Congratulations on the upcoming birth. Parenting is a fantastic vocation.

I don't think there is one size fits all in terms of parenting, other than unconditional love ... which you have clearly expressed. A good marriage that demonstrates love in action will also help your child.

Filter all the advice you get and then make your own decisions based on the best interests of your child.

We had one stay at home parent, and our children (now adult) are adventuresome and independently self sufficient.

Enjoy this marvelous adventure!
drawpoker
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by drawpoker »

Seems like more and more threads suddenly appearing here - yet - seems like rehashing same subject.....

http://www.bogleheads.org/forum/viewtop ... 9#p2115689
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Sunny Sarkar
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by Sunny Sarkar »

Buy a good video camera. And use it. Nothing, I repeat - nothing, gives us more joy than watching her videos from those "litle" days that just whizzed by.
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Turme
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by Turme »

For more evidence on the secure parenting perspective:

"What's the best way to help build the resilience of loved ones? Rodolfo Mendoza-Denton says care, not tough love, is the key."
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article ... e_not_feet

As you evaluate school choices in the future, it may be valuable to consider that many colleges already account for higher-performing schools, so having a high-performing child at a less prestigious institution may actually provide significant benefits over buying the more expensive house in the more renowned school district:

"The University of California system heavily weighs where a student comes from in considering their application, typically weighing a student's performance against other students with similar backgrounds. Dubrow said that if the process is biased against anyone, it harms students at high-performing schools who do not perform at the very top. Sometimes that breaks along racial lines; other times it does not. “If there’s an issue, it’s because we’re trying to make sure a student from a lower-resource school has the same opportunities,” Dubrow said." (https://www.insidehighered.com/news/201 ... elors-want)

With free tutoring resources available, like Khan Academy, it seems like a devoted parent would be able to ensure his/her child had the best chances of success regardless of the school.

In addition, the psychology research seems to suggest that success in life may be far more dependent on happiness than academic performance, and the very strategies employed by "Tiger Moms" to try to maximize their children's potential often run counter to this: http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising ... ep_college

Tiger Moms and dedicated parents are also not the same thing, it appears, as Tiger parenting is often focused on maximizing a child's performance, not his/her happiness.

Thanks for the excellent discussion, and good luck with the new child. It appears s/he is very lucky to have such devoted parents.
Jerrybaby
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by Jerrybaby »

Sunny Sarkar wrote:Buy a good video camera. And use it. Nothing, I repeat - nothing, gives us more joy than watching her videos from those "litle" days that just whizzed by.
I like that advice.

The best thing you can ever give your child is a good marriage. Feelings of love abound now, but marriage can unravel and collapse before you even realize it happened. Raising a child with an ex-spouse, and then with step-parents, CAN become very devastating to the child. Some vehemently claim that it works, but that is unfortunately from THEIR perspective, not the child's. Spend time with your wife. Learn to realize when she needs to be placed on a pedestal, and do so happily.
Professor Emeritus
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by Professor Emeritus »

Jerrybaby wrote:
Sunny Sarkar wrote:Buy a good video camera. And use it. Nothing, I repeat - nothing, gives us more joy than watching her videos from those "litle" days that just whizzed by.
I like that advice.

The best thing you can ever give your child is a good marriage. Feelings of love abound now, but marriage can unravel and collapse before you even realize it happened. Raising a child with an ex-spouse, and then with step-parents, CAN become very devastating to the child. Some vehemently claim that it works, but that is unfortunately from THEIR perspective, not the child's. Spend time with your wife. Learn to realize when she needs to be placed on a pedestal, and do so happily.
+1 after I re read the first sentence a few times to read
The best thing you can ever give your child is to be raised by parents who have a a good marriage.

:happy I really wondered about the arranged marriage gift :happy
However you do it; take care of your relationship. DW still has and treasures the "new mother" earrings I bought her.
snyder66
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by snyder66 »

Stay Calm. Babies will cry. Your scariest moment in life, me at least, is when you bring your baby home the first time. Read parenting books geared to Dads. You will be ignored in the delivery room, it's not about you. Be there for your wife now. Do whatever your wife tells you during the birthing process. nurse will also probably treat you like a stepdad, get used to it. And, The best advice I can give...Just be there for your child, no matter what age. Take an interest in their interest. they willnot care or remember how much money you have set aside for them now or ever.
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bottlecap
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by bottlecap »

snyder66 wrote:You will be ignored in the delivery room, it's not about you.
Thank God. If they pay a lot of attention to the you in the delivery room and start poking and prodding around down there on you, you've chosen very poorly, hospital-wise. Don't stick around and wait for an epidural...

Well, you wanted a challenge and you got it! Get some sleep and get yourself ready for some late nights of crying for at least the first two months. If you have any problems being patient, focus on ways to learn to be.

Good luck,

JT
Set40
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by Set40 »

Some aspects of being a parent are a gradual transition over months and years, so I don't think you should intentionally start shifting your focus away from your job on day one. Things such as changing diapers, bottles, baby crying, lack of sleep, continuous need for attentive care will be there on day one. Other changes will take months or years to take hold as the baby grows.

It's hard to predict how you and your spouse will handle this new addition. Lots of changes coming to your daily routine, your emotions, and your priorities. I don't think you can always plan ahead of time for these although it would be ideal. Strong marriage is key. Find family or babysitter to watch the child once he/she is out of the newborn phase so you can focus on yourself and your spouse as much as needed.
mw1739
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by mw1739 »

I'm sitting here with my 18 hour old baby. A few thoughts:
- don't overthink this. Take care of your wife. She's the one doing all the work.
- be kind to your doctors and nurses. They wait on you hand and foot.
- keep working in your business. 6 hours a day is nothing. Babies sleep a lot. Take a few weeks off to help your wife then go back to work. You won't miss much working 6 hours.
lululu
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by lululu »

Jerrybaby wrote: Spend time with your wife. Learn to realize when she needs to be placed on a pedestal, and do so happily.
I thought it was 2014 when I woke up this morning. Apparently it's 1950.
Atilla
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by Atilla »

Be prepared to be ignored at home for quite awhile too. That won't be about you either, except to provide assistance when it's expected.
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nisiprius
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by nisiprius »

Be aware that stress is stress, and that stress from good life changes is almost as stressful and creates almost as much of the effects of stress as stress from bad life changes.

Be aware that your first child, no matter how much you want it, is going to be a source of both good and bad stress. You will at some point be angry at the child for crying. You will at some point suffer from sleep deprivation. (I read somewhere that one of the commonest forms of marital lying is the father pretending to be asleep so that the mother will get up and deal with the child). (Yes, I did that).

Be aware that the child is not in this world to live up to your expectations so try not to form terribly definite expectations. For me, the early years of each of my children were wonderful--scratch that, miraculous--but quite different from anything I expected, even after reading Spock and Braselton (don't know who today's baby gurus are) and observing other new parents.

Be thankful that your attitude toward excreta probably will change for as long as it needs to. After you have children, you will never look at a house that has a rug in it in the same way--even if there are no visible stains, you will wonder just how much has soaked into it at various times.

Accept all the help you can get.

Looking ahead, be prepared for the fact that child #2 creates just as big a change in your life as child #1.
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TMQ206
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by TMQ206 »

1. Look like a pro when installing carseat base--the best way to get it snug is to kneel in it while you tighten the straps, then the seat expands back up to keep it in place. Best parenting advice I received.

2. Backup digital photos remotely--cloud, flash memory in mountain bunker, text them all to grandparents. Second best advice I received.

3. Finally a reason for a will and term life ins, apologies for the morbidity.

4. All crying stops, but until then, it will make you quite uncomfortable.

5. Everyone is an expert and can/will tell you how to parent correctly, just like they did (my advice is even better than most, of course).

6. Even if you ignore all that expert advice, you'll probably do fine.

+1 to staying calm, supporting mom, preparing to feel superfluous/marginalized, accepting help.
+2 to TomTX.
Jerrybaby
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by Jerrybaby »

lululu wrote:
Jerrybaby wrote: Spend time with your wife. Learn to realize when she needs to be placed on a pedestal, and do so happily.
I thought it was 2014 when I woke up this morning. Apparently it's 1950.

Here's another time-tested and invaluable piece of advice: when you're in the presence of knowledge, experience and wisdom, it's time to be quiet.
Slowmaha
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by Slowmaha »

Congrats on being set up financially. One less thing to worry about as you welcome the baby.

As a father of a 2.5 and 1 yo:

1. Try to maintain a loving, respectful home
2. Try to be consistent, it's a marathon, not a sprint
3. Try not to discipline out of anger
4. Try not to take things personally
5. Try to take time for yourself/yourselves every now and again
6. Try to enjoy the good stuff, the days become eternal but the years fly by
7. Try not to obsess, perfect is the enemy of good

You will fail occasionally in each of these things, don't beat yourself up and get back on that saddle.

Best of luck!
Laura
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by Laura »

Have kids is wonderful but allow your children some space. Helicopter parents or bulldozer parents or whatever the current term is really don't do their child a huge benefit. All of us need to learn to overcome challenges in life and we start learning this from birth. Create boundaries but allow the child to have space within those boundaries. It will pay off in the future. It is great that you both want to spend almost all your time with your child but that could be a little too much for all of you over the long term. Now the first few months are totally different with little sleep and just a dramatic change to your life. No longer are you two individuals, you now become "parents" and the entire household schedule will adjust to that little baby. Congratulations.

Laura
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KlangFool
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by KlangFool »

webenterpreneur wrote:We are having our first baby next month, and we are preparing in advance for this. It is something we always wanted, since we are already successful financially and we would want a new challenge in our life. My wife works for my company too and we both work at home. We love to travel, and we still want to travel if possible before the baby goes to school. We want to give all our time and love to our baby.

At this point, we still work about 6 hours a day running my business. Goal is to automate it as much as possible, so that when baby arrives, we can spend and devote our time with her. I am 28 years old, and I have built our Vanguard portfolio good enough to support ourselves financially for at least 6 to 7 years down the road with a conservative asset allocation.

Being a college dropout, all of my fortune is built on my online business, which I see to last another 3 years, after which, I don't know what to do. I cannot imagine myself later on in life working 8 hours a day, even if I am earning $100k a year. I am trying to built a bigger portfolio that will last more years, but now it is looking at my priorities, if I want to spend my day in front of my computer or in front of my baby.

The top priority is just being happy at home, feeling the love in the air. Do you think I should start shifting my focus away from work?
webenterpreneur,

Parenting are both easy and hard. Children LEARNED from what you DO versus what you SAY. If both parents are GOOD PEOPLE, it is more likely that the children will turn out fine. There are NO GUARANTEE. You just do the best that you could. Be honest with your own limitation too.

KlangFool
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Austintatious
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by Austintatious »

Be a hands on dad. There will be countless times, day and night, when your child will require or demand attention, and the temptation can be great to ignore the call and leave it to your wife to respond. If you are wise, you will discipline yourself to get past that temptation and attend to things yourself. Each time you drag yourself out of bed in the middle of the night, it will make her life (and yours, really) a little bit better. Trust me when I say that it will pay dividends. You will better know and love your child, and your child will better know and love you. And to your wife, this will be no small thing. She will very remember that you made the choice and the effort for the rest of your lives together. And you will be a better man for it all. Good luck!
halfnine
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by halfnine »

webenterpreneur wrote: My wife works for my company too and we both work at home.
It sounds like you have a pretty flexible work schedule. With that in mind I consider a polyphasic sleep schedule to help your spouse out at night and to get more hours out of the day. I don't remember exact details, but in general what worked for me was

0- 3 months: a 3 hr core sleep (from 10 PM to 1 AM) with four 20 min naps
3-6 months: a 4.5 hr core sleep (10 PM to 2:30 AM) with 3 naps
6 months on: a 6 hr sleep and then a siesta
barreg
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by barreg »

Sunny Sarkar wrote:Buy a good video camera. And use it. Nothing, I repeat - nothing, gives us more joy than watching her videos from those "litle" days that just whizzed by.
If you meant making sure the OP has a digital camera or smartphone that takes good video, I agree. However, I definitely wouldn't recommend spending money on a dedicated video camera. Taking videos of your family/kids is important to capture the memories but virtually every digital camera and smartphone available today offers fairly high video quality and is more convenient than having a separate video camera. We bought a nice Panasonic video camera 4 years ago but I think it's gotten used twice. It's always more convenient to use your smartphone or digital camera.
TwoLeftFeet
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by TwoLeftFeet »

A little off the subject, but I did one thing when each of my kids was born that I still think was really cool. In the first month, I sat at a computer and wrote them a long letter. I tried to say everything that I hoped would happen to them, worries that I had about the future, etc., and some life advice. Then, I figured out the exact date in the future when they would be the precise age I was when I wrote the letter. I sealed it up in an envelope and put "do not open before XXXX" on the envelope. That was 18-20 years ago for my two kids, and they are now about 10 years from being able to open them. I have long since forgotten what I wrote, and it will be very interesting for us to read the letters some day.

More on the subject, looking back, I have noticed that it is very easy to be an incredibly involved parent that puts a child at the center of everything. It is also easy to be an absentee parent and let your kids run wild. The secret is to find the right middle ground, as being in between is really, really hard to do, but it is where you need to be to raise kids who are loved but independent at the same time.
homermtb
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Re: Personal Tips for a New Father to Be

Post by homermtb »

I agree with the other posters who said that a couple of hours a day and weekends is more than enough time to spend with your baby. Personally, I'd rather work more when they're infants so I can spend more time with them when they're little people who walk and talk. But, to each their own. Some parents love spending every minute of the day with their babies, others can't wait to go back to work.
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