How would you handle this situation ?
How would you handle this situation ?
Hi Folks,
My wife recently joined a small homogeneous cultural group (7 families) . The group arranges for potlucks once a month and that's how it ran for a while. We enjoyed meeting up once in a while. Of late some members started getting very hyper about making themed parties and having gifts in the potlucks (extra $$$). We were somehow okay with that. Just today one of the active members announced that she want to celebrate all the birthdays and anniversaries of all members together and we all have to show up regardless of our other commitments and pony up around $25 for each of these parties (not including the night out expenses). Note that these will happen 7*2 = 14 times in a year !!! All the other members agreed to such kind of frivolous spending (not sure because of peer pressure or not). Note that 90% of them don't have the income we do - yet they agreed to this proposal.
My wife was not comfortable with this because :
1. It's a substantial recurring expense
2. We like to keep our birthday and anniversary events private with only a few very close friends .If we agree to this, we'll have to entertain the entire gang's self-invitation on each of these occasions.
3. Last but not the least, this is not something she wanted to do and others tried to force it on her.
So when she replied with her viewpoint, the others started attacking her view point and indirectly branding her unsocial and cheapskate through rude remarks. She just left the particular discussion thread but not the group (not yet anyways).
So, have any of you faced a similar situation before where you're cornered out for not agreeing to be a spendthrift and infringing on other people's privacy through surprise parties for people you know only a few months? What did you do .. or would you do to handle this ?
Thanks,
Rex.
My wife recently joined a small homogeneous cultural group (7 families) . The group arranges for potlucks once a month and that's how it ran for a while. We enjoyed meeting up once in a while. Of late some members started getting very hyper about making themed parties and having gifts in the potlucks (extra $$$). We were somehow okay with that. Just today one of the active members announced that she want to celebrate all the birthdays and anniversaries of all members together and we all have to show up regardless of our other commitments and pony up around $25 for each of these parties (not including the night out expenses). Note that these will happen 7*2 = 14 times in a year !!! All the other members agreed to such kind of frivolous spending (not sure because of peer pressure or not). Note that 90% of them don't have the income we do - yet they agreed to this proposal.
My wife was not comfortable with this because :
1. It's a substantial recurring expense
2. We like to keep our birthday and anniversary events private with only a few very close friends .If we agree to this, we'll have to entertain the entire gang's self-invitation on each of these occasions.
3. Last but not the least, this is not something she wanted to do and others tried to force it on her.
So when she replied with her viewpoint, the others started attacking her view point and indirectly branding her unsocial and cheapskate through rude remarks. She just left the particular discussion thread but not the group (not yet anyways).
So, have any of you faced a similar situation before where you're cornered out for not agreeing to be a spendthrift and infringing on other people's privacy through surprise parties for people you know only a few months? What did you do .. or would you do to handle this ?
Thanks,
Rex.
Re: How would you handle this situation ?
[OT comment removed by admin LadyGeek] Become very shy and do not participate at all for a while, don't return calls, etc... if after a few months or 6 or a year you desire to go to one of these freaky parties (they are freaks because they force their stuff on you, and only that point) then I am sure they will let you pay your money and come.
I would also say you lucked out by having your wife be the one with the negative experience and full contact, that way all you have to do is fully support her out...
I would also say you lucked out by having your wife be the one with the negative experience and full contact, that way all you have to do is fully support her out...
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
I'd quit the group.
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- InvestorNewb
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
I would just quit. Start your own potluck with another group of people.
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
This is very easy. Withdraw from the group. If they harass your wife....restraining orders.
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
I'd just quit the group, they seem like jerks and a "homogeneous cultural group" sounds boring anyway.
Re: How would you handle this situation ?
Quit. There are certainly other ways to have potlucks with reasonable people.
Re: How would you handle this situation ?
You're spending more money than you'd like...
...doing things you don't want to do...
...with people it sounds like you don't like.
If there's a question in your mind about what to do, then I think we're missing some part of this story.
...doing things you don't want to do...
...with people it sounds like you don't like.
If there's a question in your mind about what to do, then I think we're missing some part of this story.
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
Jez sounds like her social group aspires to be a cult! Mandatory fun and socialization is anything but that.
Dump them.
However, if your wife still thinks these people are worth hanging with and really wants to continue, then she needs to stand her ground and tell them that she'd like to continue with the informal pot luck socials they started with, but will not be participating in birthday and anniversary events because it's too much of a time commitment, the mandatory participation sucks the fun out of it, and first and foremost your family prefers to make their own plans for their personal "holidays". If they have a problem with that then move on.
Dump them.
However, if your wife still thinks these people are worth hanging with and really wants to continue, then she needs to stand her ground and tell them that she'd like to continue with the informal pot luck socials they started with, but will not be participating in birthday and anniversary events because it's too much of a time commitment, the mandatory participation sucks the fun out of it, and first and foremost your family prefers to make their own plans for their personal "holidays". If they have a problem with that then move on.
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
You're too polite....I'd say a few choice words to those who were bullying and then quit the group.HardKnocker wrote:I'd quit the group.
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
Definition of "homogeneous" - a group also known as the more immature term of "clique". Example - "oh, so and so belongs to the "we are hot, you're not teeny bopper" clique.John3754 wrote:I'd just quit the group, they seem like jerks and a "homogeneous cultural group" sounds boring anyway.
"One should invest based on their need, ability and willingness to take risk - Larry Swedroe" Asking Portfolio Questions
Re: How would you handle this situation ?
[Response to OT comment removed by admin LadyGeek] Comments like this in a diverse public forum doesn't help.
Now to the OP. I would approach it by proposing alternatives rather than outright not participating. After all, it does sound like you do enjoy the company of this gathering. I would suggest to lower the amount to perhaps $10 and or celebrating birthdays every quarter. Quote that you are happy to contribute but you want to keep it considerate for people who may not have the type of income.
Now to the OP. I would approach it by proposing alternatives rather than outright not participating. After all, it does sound like you do enjoy the company of this gathering. I would suggest to lower the amount to perhaps $10 and or celebrating birthdays every quarter. Quote that you are happy to contribute but you want to keep it considerate for people who may not have the type of income.
This is not legal or certified financial advice but you know that already.
Re: How would you handle this situation ?
Three thoughts:
1. I am surprised that what bothers you is the 14 x $25, which is $350 per year. I would be annoyed at being expected to go to 14 of these events a year.
2. What in the name of the lord is a "homogenous cultural group"?
3. Why do you want to be in this group?
1. I am surprised that what bothers you is the 14 x $25, which is $350 per year. I would be annoyed at being expected to go to 14 of these events a year.
2. What in the name of the lord is a "homogenous cultural group"?
3. Why do you want to be in this group?
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
I think they have given you a gift by exposing their priorities while it's still easy for you to withdraw.
In theory, theory and practice are identical. In practice, they often differ.
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
Perhaps it is time to leave the cult...I mean "homogeneous cultural group"
Re: How would you handle this situation ?
Thanks all for the support. A few clarifications and answers below:
2. It's a group where everyone is from same city and ethnic background.
3. My wife was sought out by one of the group members to join the group. She likes to socialize but now is unsure whether she should socialize with this lot.
Believe it or not she did exactly that and was responded to with ridicule... that's when we thought we should ask for some objective opinions on whether to put up with this kind of behavior/ how to handle it.island wrote:Jez sounds like her social group aspires to be a cult! Mandatory fun and socialization is anything but that.
Dump them.
However, if your wife still thinks these people are worth hanging with and really wants to continue, then she needs to stand her ground and tell them that she'd like to continue with the informal pot luck socials they started with, but will not be participating in birthday and anniversary events because it's too much of a time commitment, the mandatory participation sucks the fun out of it, and first and foremost your family prefers to make their own plans for their personal "holidays". If they have a problem with that then move on.
1. Actually, we're bothered by both - we hate getting unnecessary recurring expenses that we don't enjoy as a family. And we hate having obligations to socialize with time we could spend otherwise.Calm Man wrote:Three thoughts:
1. I am surprised that what bothers you is the 14 x $25, which is $350 per year. I would be annoyed at being expected to go to 14 of these events a year.
2. What in the name of the lord is a "homogenous cultural group"?
3. Why do you want to be in this group?
2. It's a group where everyone is from same city and ethnic background.
3. My wife was sought out by one of the group members to join the group. She likes to socialize but now is unsure whether she should socialize with this lot.
Re: How would you handle this situation ?
LOL - yeah reminds me of high school. In the 14+ years I've lived in Canada and US, I've never been part of a "homogeneous group". But a few months back one of the members from this group sought out my wife and I decided to give it a go because my wife wanted it and I wanted her to be happy. To be honest, I saw this coming as most of the folks in that group are snobs IMHO , and told my wife the same. At that point, she said that she'll handle it if something like this happened .. but she (and myself) didn't expect it to get that nasty.Grt2bOutdoors wrote:Definition of "homogeneous" - a group also known as the more immature term of "clique". Example - "oh, so and so belongs to the "we are hot, you're not teeny bopper" clique.John3754 wrote:I'd just quit the group, they seem like jerks and a "homogeneous cultural group" sounds boring anyway.
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
She could just say "I can't commit to 14 additional nights out but will attend as my schedule allows"
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
I think this happens often, but not to this extent. My group of friends will sometimes have outings, which may require going to a concert or to a casino for the night, etc. We usually don't go if the cost is too high and it's not something we're passionate about. However, sometimes the value of spending the time with our friends costs money and that's okay. If you're wife doesn't really value these friendships then I'd leave the group. However, if your wife has a lot of fun and enjoys the social time - a few $100 is a small price to pay for some fun and time away.
A box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through
Re: How would you handle this situation ?
If you were on the receiving end of nasty comments from people in this group when you expressed no interest in these new plans, why would you or your wife even want to stick with them?
I, too, am a little confused as to just what a "homogenous cultural group" is. Monthly potluck get-to-gethers are usually done by neighbors on same street, same subdivision. Or members of a book club, bridge group, that sort of thing. If these people are neighbors, you want to remain on friendly terms, so just decline graciously and be firm about it. If they continue to badger you about your non-participation, just smile sweetly and stand your ground.
If they aren't close neighbors, and you don't care what they think, next time any of them are crass enough to bring it up again after you have told them "no" - tell 'em, "Sorry, we didn't want to say so before but since you won't drop it we must tell you - We are devout Jehovah's Witnesses and we aren't allowed to observe birthdays or anniversaries."
Just do it with a straight face and wait for the reaction, LOL
I, too, am a little confused as to just what a "homogenous cultural group" is. Monthly potluck get-to-gethers are usually done by neighbors on same street, same subdivision. Or members of a book club, bridge group, that sort of thing. If these people are neighbors, you want to remain on friendly terms, so just decline graciously and be firm about it. If they continue to badger you about your non-participation, just smile sweetly and stand your ground.
If they aren't close neighbors, and you don't care what they think, next time any of them are crass enough to bring it up again after you have told them "no" - tell 'em, "Sorry, we didn't want to say so before but since you won't drop it we must tell you - We are devout Jehovah's Witnesses and we aren't allowed to observe birthdays or anniversaries."
Just do it with a straight face and wait for the reaction, LOL
Re: How would you handle this situation ?
Also, will make a prediction now -
The moderator will soon move this thread from "Personal Finance(Not Investing) to the other board "Personal Consumer Issues"
(recreational pursuits & discretionary spending as sub-category there)
The moderator will soon move this thread from "Personal Finance(Not Investing) to the other board "Personal Consumer Issues"
(recreational pursuits & discretionary spending as sub-category there)
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
In the immortal words of Nancy Regan from the 80's "Just say No".
She was talking about drug use, but applies here as well. If the "group" is putting pressure on you to do stuff you don't want to then just say no. Easy solution to an easy problem to have. Personally, I would be thrilled to get out of 14 events/ year!!
Good luck.
She was talking about drug use, but applies here as well. If the "group" is putting pressure on you to do stuff you don't want to then just say no. Easy solution to an easy problem to have. Personally, I would be thrilled to get out of 14 events/ year!!
Good luck.
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
I had something similar happen to me. I was asked to host a particular gathering and replied that I couldn't afford it (at the time it was actually true). A few days later, the "queen bee" asked me again in a group setting, presumably hoping to put me on the spot in front of the group and embarrass me into changing my mind. Unfortunately for her, I have little shame, and I responded loudly enough for the whole group to hear that I didn't understand why she was asking me again when I already told her I couldn't host the gathering. She was embarrassed and I was "un-invited" to the group. Problem solved.rex wrote:So, have any of you faced a similar situation before where you're cornered out for not agreeing to be a spendthrift and infringing on other people's privacy through surprise parties for people you know only a few months? What did you do .. or would you do to handle this ?
Thanks,
Rex.
Re: How would you handle this situation ?
Well we weren't there and neither were you Rex so none of us can really assess how harsh or belittling the comments were. Maybe your wife is thin skinned, maybe the "homogenous cultural group" expects all who belong to that "culture" to think and feel the same way, or maybe The Desperate Housewives of Homonogeous Culture are really just Mean Girls to be avoided ....unless one is desperate to sit at the cool kids table. Wow it really does sound like the plot of a bad reality show or stereotypic high school movie!rex wrote:Thanks all for the support. A few clarifications and answers below:Believe it or not she did exactly that and was responded to with ridicule... that's when we thought we should ask for some objective opinions on whether to put up with this kind of behavior/ how to handle it.island wrote:Jez sounds like her social group aspires to be a cult! Mandatory fun and socialization is anything but that.
Dump them.
However, if your wife still thinks these people are worth hanging with and really wants to continue, then she needs to stand her ground and tell them that she'd like to continue with the informal pot luck socials they started with, but will not be participating in birthday and anniversary events because it's too much of a time commitment, the mandatory participation sucks the fun out of it, and first and foremost your family prefers to make their own plans for their personal "holidays". If they have a problem with that then move on.
1. Actually, we're bothered by both - we hate getting unnecessary recurring expenses that we don't enjoy as a family. And we hate having obligations to socialize with time we could spend otherwise.Calm Man wrote:Three thoughts:
1. I am surprised that what bothers you is the 14 x $25, which is $350 per year. I would be annoyed at being expected to go to 14 of these events a year.
2. What in the name of the lord is a "homogenous cultural group"?
3. Why do you want to be in this group?
2. It's a group where everyone is from same city and ethnic background.
3. My wife was sought out by one of the group members to join the group. She likes to socialize but now is unsure whether she should socialize with this lot.
Regardless, if she truly perceived ridicule, you shouldn't have to ask a bunch of anonomoyous strangers on the internet how to handle it or if it should put up with it. The answer should be glaringly obvious unless one is a glutton for punishment. What would you say if a friend or acquaintance asked you the same?
And I agree with Calm Man, the minimal expense is the least offensive part of this entire scenario.
Good luck and please let us know the outcome. Now that I've tuned into the pilot of The Desperate Housewives of Homogenous Culture I must know how it ends!
Last edited by island on Fri Sep 12, 2014 2:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
Be honest and say you are not interested as a result of your concerns if that is the direction the group is moving. Another possibility is just to say you are unavailable and pass.
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
With friends like this ....
who _______ __________?!
who _______ __________?!
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
Regardless of what the OP should do or how ridiculous these particular group members are, I am perplexed by the fervent antipathy in this thread toward the very idea of hanging out in a "homogenous cultural group" (not the best terminology, but whatver) even if only occasionally.
I immediately thought of perhaps some foreigners who may occasionally get together and eat some homemade comfort food, gossip about people and events back home and maybe get to speak in a native tongue rather than English. Or perhaps some Southerners living up North who want some good food they can't get anywhere else and to chat about SEC football with someone who cares every once in a while.
As someone who has lived all over the world, I can say I've only met a few expats who, no matter how well integrated, don't like to sit back and enjoy a night out every so often with those they can most culturally relate to. Although this particular group may be a problem, the idea itself is not strange.
SAM
I immediately thought of perhaps some foreigners who may occasionally get together and eat some homemade comfort food, gossip about people and events back home and maybe get to speak in a native tongue rather than English. Or perhaps some Southerners living up North who want some good food they can't get anywhere else and to chat about SEC football with someone who cares every once in a while.
As someone who has lived all over the world, I can say I've only met a few expats who, no matter how well integrated, don't like to sit back and enjoy a night out every so often with those they can most culturally relate to. Although this particular group may be a problem, the idea itself is not strange.
SAM
Re: How would you handle this situation ?
That's a fair point, and rereading the whole thread after seeing your post, I noticed many more digs regarding the term and/or the idea than I noticed on the first read.SecretAsianMan wrote:Regardless of what the OP should do or how ridiculous these particular group members are, I am perplexed by the fervent antipathy in this thread toward the very idea of hanging out in a "homogenous cultural group" (not the best terminology, but whatver) even if only occasionally.
<snip>
Still, I think most of the comments are directed at the strange obligations of the group. If this were a multicultural & multiethnic group, its latest policies would still sound bizarre to most of us. Mandatory birthday celebrations? That really is cult-like.
If this were, say, a Korean lending club that was completely homogenous but without the social obligations, it would seem normal to me.
Re: How would you handle this situation ?
Forcing their way into your birthday and anniversary celebrations sounds very unusual. If it was only 2-3 couples who were best buddies for all their lives, maybe I could picture it more easily.
I would ditch the group, especially after members bullied your wife.
I would ditch the group, especially after members bullied your wife.
harrychan: I wholeheartedly agree with you. To suggest that an OP should emulate stereotypes is not appropriate.harrychan wrote:[Response to OT comment removed by admin LadyGeek] Comments like this in a diverse public forum doesn't help.
Re: How would you handle this situation ?
Sounds like this particular person really doesn't have any other friends. Is this an all or nothing proposition? Can you go to certain events but decline others when you have other commitments? It sounds like you were having a decent time with these people before this. If your wife was really offended perhaps the offending parties would be willing to offer an apology? We've all said things we regret. It's nice to have a group of friends you can do things with, I don't know that I would bail unless they were totally inflexible towards my reluctance to do EVERYTHING they wanted me to do.rex wrote:Hi Folks,
... Just today one of the active members announced that she want to celebrate all the birthdays and anniversaries of all members together and we all have to show up regardless of our other commitments and pony up around $25 for each of these parties (not including the night out expenses)...
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
I have to vote with the crowd that suggests you fade out from the group. The communal birthday celebrations may be a stepping stone to communal trips and vacation situations to remain "part of the club". There could be subsequent pressure to buy your next car through someone in the group or use a financial advisor that the others in the group "like". Some groups can get "bossy", leave those situations to your work and job and not your family's leisure.
The closest helping hand is at the end of your own arm.
Re: How would you handle this situation ?
No "fervent antipathy" aimed at whatever group the OP is referring to. It's the generic terminology of homogenous culture that's odd and irrelevant to the discussion anyway unless tolerating abuse by those we share a culture with is more acceptable than from those we don't. I don't happen to think so; perhaps it's even more abhorrent to do so in that case. Nor do I think it's strange to have an affinity with those we share a common experience, whether it's our ethnicity, where we were raised, went to university, etc. I think most people seek that on some level, but not from a group that would treat me like crap or perhaps ask me to join just to fill a quota.SecretAsianMan wrote:Regardless of what the OP should do or how ridiculous these particular group members are, I am perplexed by the fervent antipathy in this thread toward the very idea of hanging out in a "homogenous cultural group" (not the best terminology, but whatver) even if only occasionally.
I immediately thought of perhaps some foreigners who may occasionally get together and eat some homemade comfort food, gossip about people and events back home and maybe get to speak in a native tongue rather than English. Or perhaps some Southerners living up North who want some good food they can't get anywhere else and to chat about SEC football with someone who cares every once in a while.
As someone who has lived all over the world, I can say I've only met a few expats who, no matter how well integrated, don't like to sit back and enjoy a night out every so often with those they can most culturally relate to. Although this particular group may be a problem, the idea itself is not strange.
SAM
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Re: How would you handle this situation ?
It's not 14, it's 21: birthdays for each couple and an anniversary. At first reading I thought the kids were included also, since the OP said "7 families."
This thread is consuming more energy than it should since the answer is obvious.
This thread is consuming more energy than it should since the answer is obvious.
Re: How would you handle this situation ?
This thread has run its course and is locked. A major focus of the discussion is on "homogenous culture" which has many implications - most of which are off-topic. I already removed one off-topic comment. Let's close this down before things get further astray (distress to the community). See: Forum Policy
...Note that this subforum has a much lower threshold for locking or removing posts than the financial and investing subforums.
Locked Topics
Moderators or site admins may lock a topic (set it so no more replies may be added) when a violation of posting policy has occurred. Occasionally, even if there are no overt violations of posting policy, a topic (or thread) will reach a point where the information content of the discussion has been essentially exhausted and further replies are much more likely to cause distress to the community than add anything of value.