How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

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livesoft
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by livesoft »

I guess we could start a competing thread about our kids who liked sports and begged us to coach their teams. :twisted:
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by sscritic »

The threads that are the most fun are the ones where the OP complains about his girlfriend or wife (why is it almost always the men doing the complaining?). The first 25 or 30 responses jump right in assuming the OP is not a pathological liar and offer either the "here is how you fix her" or "get rid of her now before it is too late." After about 30 posts, someone starts to figure out that the OP is psychotic control freak who has presented only one side of the story. Then posters start telling the OP to see a shrink.

The great thing about the internet is that anyone can lie and anyone can play amateur psychologist.

Now where were we?
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by donaldfair71 »

This is probably the first post I've ever read on the site that I actually feel as qualified as most when answering, so I will throw out my .02 as a guy with a few decades in coaching many sports, in both genders:

My first reaction is that its obvious, if your post accurately reflects his actions, that he just doesn't enjoy playing those sports.

That could be because, well, he just doesn't. Or it could be that he doesn't like the team aspect (doesn't make him selfish- some kids/people are just wired for individual activity) and might thrive more rpint an individual setting.

Finally, and I know you don't want to hear this, some kids do not enjoy their parents coaching them. I coach football and basketball where I teach, and a kid we had (who is attending Dartmouth in the fall) said to me a month ago, "know what I liked best about my sophomore year"? I thought, well he played a lot on the varsity squad, he grew 4 inches and 40 pounds, the girls started coming around- many things entered my mind. He followed, "it was the first year my dad didnt coach me in anything so I felt like I could be myself". That taught me alot about what some kids, even ivy league kids, feel toward their parents being over their shoulders.
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davebo
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by davebo »

Well just to answer a few questions that were brought up:

1) As many of you know, a lot of times you don't necessarily WANT to coach but you're forced into it because nobody else would do it :) This was my son's first year playing organized sports so I didn't realize how it all works. I went from being a ref, to being the assistant coach, to the head coach within 24 hours because things fell through. ha. I did ask my son if he wanted me to coach and he was all for it and, for the most part, 60% of the season went without a hitch.

2) My wife is probably the most sensitive person that you'll ever meet. Her dad NEVER yelled at her...EVER. So she doesn't necessarily take that well to that kind of encouraging/disciplining/etc. So since they are "kindred spirits", I'll often ask my wife if I am being a little hard on our son just to get her perspective. In addition to being sensitive, she's also very honest. I asked her again this past week if I was being too firm with our son and she said "Not at all". Still though, while I firmly believe that I'm within bounds when I'm coaching him, I recognize that it might be interpreted differently by him. So because of that, I'll probably NOT coach him next year just to see how things go.

I will fully admit that a lot of it is trial and error with my oldest. Sometimes he's asking tons of questions and seems to want my input about things, other times he just completely waives off anything I mention and want to do it his own way. It can be a little challenging to know what type of mood he is in until I find out the hard way :)

And I'm not pushing him into sports, he is the one that keeps asking to play and he has never protested or said that he doesn't want to continue. No issues with t-ball at all, but maybe he might be overthinking the game a bit. When he first started soccer, he just went out there and went after the ball. After awhile, he seemed to get a lot less aggressive. In practice, he can hold his own with the other kids and he attacks the ball, but he's not like that in the game.

I guess we'll just take a break and then see how it goes...might just be sick of playing for right now.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by Alex Frakt »

davebo wrote:I guess we'll just take a break and then see how it goes...might just be sick of playing for right now.
I sincerely doubt that. Sick of organized sports activities perhaps. They two are not the same thing for a child.

I've got a 5 1/2 year old. We've been doing different recreational activities through the city parks programs or neighborhood stuff since he was 2. Sometimes he wants to repeat a class, sometimes he wants to quit halfway through. Other than introducing new activities and insisting he go at least twice to any new class, I let him have his way. It really doesn't matter. The total time in these programs averages out to 2-3 hours a week. The time we spend (or increasingly he spends) in unstructured recreational activities (aka "play") averages more than that each day.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by LongerPrimer »

IMO, a little too much organized sports. Ride a bike, pickup races/games. jumprope. Tennis ball against a wall. Throw and fetch with a dog(really good) because dog doesn't really care how its thrown but the kid will pick up how and where its thrown and how to challenge the dog. Dodge ball with his own age group. Hopscotch. Marble lagging (type of mumbly peg)
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by sscritic »

Alex Frakt wrote: Sometimes he wants to repeat a class, sometimes he wants to quit halfway through. Other than introducing new activities and insisting he go at least twice to any new class, I let him have his way. It really doesn't matter.
The quitting would concern me, depending on how often it occurs and at what point during how long a commitment. My granddaughters do musical theatre (they started at 5, 3, and 4). The commitment is for four months. I would not be happy if my children allowed them to drop out after 3 months. When the five year old first went at age 3, she did quit, but that was after the first introductory class. She went back for the next show, and has not quit one since, nor have her sisters ever.

Classes at the Y are similar. There is a show at the end of a three month period. The last month, the classes rehearse the show numbers. Sometimes vacations have already been scheduled so that the kids can't be in the show, but my family doesn't allow drop-outs. High school isn't that far away, so dropping out is not an activity to be encouraged. That's just me and the way I was raised and the way I raised my children and the way my children are raising theirs. Your mileage may vary.

P.S. Age 2 is one thing, age 5 1/2 is another, in my way of thinking.

P.P.S. The 5 year old just finished kindergarten. Some days she didn't want to go, but not going was not an option. You may not think the two concepts are related, but I do.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by mephistophles »

sscritic wrote:The threads that are the most fun are the ones where the OP complains about his girlfriend or wife (why is it almost always the men doing the complaining?). The first 25 or 30 responses jump right in assuming the OP is not a pathological liar and offer either the "here is how you fix her" or "get rid of her now before it is too late." After about 30 posts, someone starts to figure out that the OP is psychotic control freak who has presented only one side of the story. Then posters start telling the OP to see a shrink.

The great thing about the internet is that anyone can lie and anyone can play amateur psychologist.

Now where were we?
sscritic.....so, do you recommend that these children defer taking Social Security until age 70, or perhaps later?
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by sscritic »

mephistophles wrote: sscritic.....so, do you recommend that these children defer taking Social Security until age 70, or perhaps later?
On social security questions, I try to stick to the rules, so I don't make recommendations. However, since this is the internet, I am an expert at telling other people how to raise their children.

Maybe I should have posted this in the thread where the poster was complaining about not enough experts posting on bogleheads. There may not be many experts on financial matters on bogleheads, but experts at telling other people how to raise their children abound.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by sscritic »

I just realized I lied (not on purpose for a change). When the five year old was four, she dropped out of a tap class (I was not there). Two weeks later, with only three weeks to go before the show, she decided she wanted to be in the class and the show. I was on duty that day, and I told her the teacher might say no or the teacher might say yes to the class, but no to being in the show after quitting in the middle. I told her she had to accept whatever the teacher decided.

The one thing I made sure of was that she had to ask the teacher herself. It was her decision to quit, so it was her responsibility to request forgiveness and do whatever penance was assigned. How else do you get ready for your first confession? :)

P.S. You aren't really going to ask about the outcome, are you?
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by Alex Frakt »

sscritic wrote:
Alex Frakt wrote: Sometimes he wants to repeat a class, sometimes he wants to quit halfway through. Other than introducing new activities and insisting he go at least twice to any new class, I let him have his way. It really doesn't matter.
The quitting would concern me, depending on how often it occurs and at what point during how long a commitment. My granddaughters do musical theatre (they started at 5, 3, and 4). The commitment is for four months. I would not be happy if my children allowed them to drop out after 3 months. When the five year old first went at age 3, she did quit, but that was after the first introductory class. She went back for the next show, and has not quit one since, nor have her sisters ever.

Classes at the Y are similar. There is a show at the end of a three month period. The last month, the classes rehearse the show numbers. Sometimes vacations have already been scheduled so that the kids can't be in the show, but my family doesn't allow drop-outs. High school isn't that far away, so dropping out is not an activity to be encouraged. That's just me and the way I was raised and the way I raised my children and the way my children are raising theirs. Your mileage may vary.

P.S. Age 2 is one thing, age 5 1/2 is another, in my way of thinking.
We're probably headed off topic here. But based on my reading of childhood development literature, at this and younger ages, play including social interaction through play is the only major time commitment children should have. The time for structured activities and concepts like perseverance will come. The current preference for turning pre-schoolers and kindergarteners into little adults, whether it's on the playing fields, the stages or in the classrooms, does not appear to have a sound developmental basis.

That said, my statement was edited for brevity. We are talking mostly about programs offered through the local parks department, which typically meet once a week for 6-8 weeks and cost from $15 to $80 depending on the park and program. Unless there's something I object to in the way the class is handled, I don't let him quit on the basis of the first two sessions. I do let him take a week off and then try again for at least one more class. Also, when we are trying out new activities, I sometimes deliberately sign him up for more classes than he can comfortably take with the intention of dropping whatever he found the least enjoyable.

BTW, that's not the way I was reared (my mother's word). My parents chose the activity and I did it or else. The results was that I spent most of my childhood doing things I had no interest in, and thus gave as little effort as possible to and quit the moment I could. My wish to avoid this experience is what led me to do the research before getting my child involved in organized recreational activities.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by mephistophles »

sscritic wrote:
mephistophles wrote: sscritic.....so, do you recommend that these children defer taking Social Security until age 70, or perhaps later?
On social security questions, I try to stick to the rules, so I don't make recommendations. However, since this is the internet, I am an expert at telling other people how to raise their children.

Maybe I should have posted this in the thread where the poster was complaining about not enough experts posting on bogleheads. There may not be many experts on financial matters on bogleheads, but experts at telling other people how to raise their children abound.
I am disappointed as I thought you were an expert on many things. Did Social Security even exist when you were four or six? At what age did your parents enroll you in actuarial science and math camp? Did you complete the entire course and graduate? That said, I only tell other people how to raise their kids when they ASK for advice on the internet, and then only under an assumed name. Also, I was a practicing, certified psychologist before Woodstock, when I then became an insurance salesman to pay for my stash. That aside, I am an expert on dirt and advised a poster recently that the dirt he bought really isn't dirt at all--just a mixture of sand, bark fines and water added to increase the weight.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by mephistophles »

Alex,
We think alike. I applaud your genius on this topic. Seriously.
ole meph
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by Alex Frakt »

mephistophles wrote:Alex,
We think alike. I applaud your genius on this topic. Seriously.
ole meph
Thank you. That's an awfully nice thing to say.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by mephistophles »

Alex Frakt wrote:
mephistophles wrote:Alex,
We think alike. I applaud your genius on this topic. Seriously.
ole meph
Thank you. That's an awfully nice thing to say.
You're welcome. I always tell the truth on this forum, except in the cases of sscritic and petrocelli. You do a fantastic job here and I am a beneficiary of your efforts.
ole meph
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by HomerJ »

6-year old soccer is a hoot... It's usually just a huge pile of 6-year olds all surrounding a ball, kicking each other's legs... The defenders farthest from the mass of kids will be picking at the grass or doing handstands in front of the goal. If enough time passes, they may become very engrossed at whatever bug they found in the grass and not even notice when the mass of other 6-year olds (somewhere there's a ball in there) passes within 5 feet of them.

Also, you will never see a pass on purpose.

(Well, there may be 1-2 kids that age who are actually good at soccer, but they are freaks).

I wouldn't worry too much about it... Take a year off, play soccer for fun in your yard, maybe join another team when he's closer to 8 (don't coach).
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by dumbmoney »

My memories of sports around that age are that I hated it, because I literally didn't know what I was doing. Didn't know the rules, couldn't play without making a fool of myself. It was embarrassing, not fun.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by sscritic »

Alex Frakt wrote:
sscritic wrote:
Alex Frakt wrote: you
me
you
I think we are actually in pretty close agreement (including being slightly off topic). I think I posted earlier that my kids went through a bunch of stuff before finding what they liked (grandkids too). I think the only difference between us is the length of the "season," although we (or my kids) put a different emphasis on finishing. T-ball lasted a season, basketball at the park lasted a season, softball lasted a season, AYSO lasted a season or two (most of these at age 5 and up). Y classes used to be of the 4 to 6 week variety (swimming is always 4). My SIL loves baseball, but no one is forced to play.

At the Y, sometimes one kid has to wait while the other is in a class. I suggested that the 5 year old go with a friend to an art class to fill the time, but she said no. No is a perfectly acceptable answer to "do you want." They all take dance classes and tumbling because that is what they like (they dance and tumble in my living room and in their own home). They no longer take singing classes, but the 5 year old decided on her own to take American Sign Language because she has a deaf friend (a few years older) in ballet and tumbling. The 10 year old is now using the exercise equipment; no one suggested she do so, it was something she wanted to do. I didn't even think she was old enough, so I had to ask, and age 10 is the lower limit for machine use.

I was raised on "finish what's on your plate," so that may be part of where the emphasis on finishing what you start comes from (although that was preached separately as well).

Again, age 2 is not age 5 or age 7, and no one asks "do you want" to go to kindergarten.


We all do what we think best for our own children as we should. Good wishes to you and your child (wife too).
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by sscritic »

mephistophles wrote: I am disappointed as I thought you were an expert on many things. Did Social Security even exist when you were four or six? At what age did your parents enroll you in actuarial science and math camp? Did you complete the entire course and graduate?
1935 minus 4 is 1931. No, I am not 83 yet.
They never did, nor did I ever enroll myself.
Since I never started, I didn't finish. I only finish what I start. I find it very difficult to finish things I don't start. How about you?

As for expertise, I am not an expert at anything except giving other people advice on how to raise their children. I think I need an advice column in the Washington Post.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by IlliniDave »

I agree with the general line of thought that says encourage his when he initiates interest in team sports, but be careful not to push him. In the meantime the suggestions about introducing him to individual/alternate forms of athletics/sport/fitness would be good. Give him opportunities to stay active and healthy. I wonder sometimes about the year round culture of kid's sports that has evolved. I see entire families whose existence revolves around sports teams. It's reasonable to suspect that so much focus on one activity isn't the best environment for everyone.

My kids went through similar phases. One wound up interested in band and music, the other horses. I was all about team sports when I was a kid, but I had to learn to accept that my kids weren't me at the same stage. That was kind of hard.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by retiredjg »

Alex Frakt wrote:BTW, that's not the way I was reared (my mother's word).
My mother would say that your mother was correct!
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by goodenoughinvestor »

Davebo: Your son is very lucky to have a father who is not only involved in his life but willing to ask questions, admit mistakes and rethink parenting issues when something seems "off." So, whether or not he ends up being into sports, he is likely to turn out just fine because of your attitude.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by Rodc »

Sometimes he's asking tons of questions and seems to want my input about things, other times he just completely waives off anything I mention and want to do it his own way. It can be a little challenging to know what type of mood he is in until I find out the hard way :)
FWIW: that is likely to continue for decades! :)
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by mephistophles »

sscritic wrote:
mephistophles wrote: I am disappointed as I thought you were an expert on many things. Did Social Security even exist when you were four or six? At what age did your parents enroll you in actuarial science and math camp? Did you complete the entire course and graduate?
1935 minus 4 is 1931. No, I am not 83 yet.
They never did, nor did I ever enroll myself.
Since I never started, I didn't finish. I only finish what I start. I find it very difficult to finish things I don't start. How about you?

As for expertise, I am not an expert at anything except giving other people advice on how to raise their children. I think I need an advice column in the Washington Post.
I make it a habit to finish things I didn't start. This thread is a good example of that. I did survive raising two boys. They are very successful on their own, despite my early attempts to teach them to do things my way. I do agree that you should have an advice column in the Washington Post. Since I read many of your posts on this forum, I probably would read your advice column, especially if you gave me a free subscription to the Washington Post.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by TRC »

My son just turned 7 and sounds very similar to yours. I also helped out with coaching Soccer the last two seasons. Don't give up on him yet! I've seen a night & day difference in the last year. Side note, but my son has really started to accell at gymnastics. He continues to play soccer, baseball & basketball, but he's really taking to Gymnastics (which is individual vs. team sport). Every kid is different though. I think the key is to make it fun and not have a lot of pressure.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by investor1 »

My first though was maybe the kid just doesn't like to criticized by his Dad. If that's the case, he might snap out of it after a while of you not coaching (I understand you didn't ask for the position).

If he isn't digging team sports, try individual sports. Try individual sports that you don't really know anything about, so you aren't offering technical advice that might make him feel like you are telling him what to do. Martial arts can be good for a kid. Get him into wrestling or BJJ or whatever.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by davebo »

goodenoughinvestor wrote:Davebo: Your son is very lucky to have a father who is not only involved in his life but willing to ask questions, admit mistakes and rethink parenting issues when something seems "off." So, whether or not he ends up being into sports, he is likely to turn out just fine because of your attitude.
Thank you for the kind words!
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by sscritic »

investor1 wrote: Try individual sports that you don't really know anything about, so you aren't offering technical advice that might make him feel like you are telling him what to do.
LOL. That never stopped me. When my daughter skated, I learned skating. When my son took gymnastics, I learned gymnastics. I mean, if you have ears, a memory, and a mouth, it isn't hard to parrot what a coach says. If a parrot can do it, so can you. The gymnastics team parents even gave me a hat with "Coach" on it. I took it as both being sarcastic and loving. I wore it proudly.

P.S. These days I coach tap dance and tumbling. I actually took tap 60 years ago, so that qualifies me as an expert. Tumbling, well I still have my official Coach hat from 25 years ago.

P.P.S. In case anyone missed the point, an interfering parent is an interfering parent until they become an interfering grandparent. You can't change your fundamental nature, although you can sometimes bite your tongue.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by davebo »

TRC wrote:My son just turned 7 and sounds very similar to yours. I also helped out with coaching Soccer the last two seasons. Don't give up on him yet! I've seen a night & day difference in the last year. Side note, but my son has really started to accell at gymnastics. He continues to play soccer, baseball & basketball, but he's really taking to Gymnastics (which is individual vs. team sport). Every kid is different though. I think the key is to make it fun and not have a lot of pressure.
Yeah, I definitely won’t write him off this early or rule out a sport just because of a feeling (that may be fleeting). I just want to rule “outside” things out so he can discover if he really does like playing or not; outside things meaning he doesn’t like having dad as a coach ,but likes to play.

My son doesn’t really play sports outsides of an organized team. Well, I should say that in his own spare time he doesn’t play sports the way they are intended to be played. He’ll throw a ball up in the air, make up his own version of the game, and stuff like that. But overall, he’d rather ride his bike and chase rabbits than sit there and hit a ball off a tee (I don’t blame him). I think I was the same way though….I don’t remember playing baseball with my friends (outside of a league) until well after we were playing organized baseball…probably not until 4th or 5th grade.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by Alex Frakt »

davebo wrote:My son doesn’t really play sports outsides of an organized team. Well, I should say that in his own spare time he doesn’t play sports the way they are intended to be played.
What you mean here is that he doesn't play sports the way you think they should be played. Left alone, kids make up the rules as they go.
davebo wrote:He’ll throw a ball up in the air, make up his own version of the game, and stuff like that. But overall, he’d rather ride his bike and chase rabbits...
Because he's a 6 year old. It's good that he's spending time outside throwing balls, riding a bike and "stuff like that". This is the foundation for future athletics, not a couple of hours of week of soccer drills.
davebo wrote:...than sit there and hit a ball off a tee (I don’t blame him).
You have now answered your own question. Give him time and encourage play. He'll let you know when he's ready for organized sports.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by hicabob »

As improbable as it sounds when talking to the soccer Moms and Dads whose 8 yo kids are all set to be on the future US Olympic team, 50% of kids will be worse than average at team sports. and perhaps 10% of kids will be really bad at them. We were not all born with fast reflexes, high percentage of fast twitch muscles and 95th percentile height.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by investor1 »

Having him try individual sports is not the same as him playing a team sport outside of an organized league.

Using the martial arts example from earlier, he would be going to a class with other kids on a regular basis and learning with them. He would also be going to competitions with those same kids (well, the ones that want to compete anyway). He'd would just be competing on his own, one on one. He'd have to take the initiative at competition time rather than leaving it to the rest of the team.

In class, there tends to be a team aspect in order to help others learn (a knowledge sharing type of thing). Competitions are one on one. Being "forced" to perform at competition time tends to provide more motivation to put effort into training when in class.
Last edited by investor1 on Mon Jun 09, 2014 1:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by sscritic »

Gymnastics is an individual sport with a team aspect. That is how a country gets a gold medal, from the performances of the individuals. The individuals on the team know they are on the team and support each other. When they team wins, they all go up on the podium together. I know nothing about martial arts, although I did watch Karate Kid, and I thought team was part of that.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by bungalow10 »

I don't expect him to be the best on the field, but I do want him to try his hardest. He says he wants to continue playing, but I' have to admit it's frustrating to watch him just putz around out there.
He's six, how hard do you want him to try? Isn't there anything in your life you like to do just for fun without worrying about making other people happy or giving it 110%?

I have a six year old who loves sports. He's a putz sometimes, and other times he's a star. But he loves sports and we love anything that might possibly wear him out.

Try some non-competitive activities as well. My four year old doesn't like to compete, but she loves hiking because she loves nature and being outside. We did a five mile (yes, FIVE miles) hike with her yesterday and she loved it. (and it didn't wear her out, much to our chagrin)

There are many different things people get out of sports - activity, fitness, competition, community or belonging, fresh air, socialization, the fun of winning, the opportunity to push themselves. There is no right answer.
Last edited by bungalow10 on Mon Jun 09, 2014 12:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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investor1
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by investor1 »

It depends on the sport, but yeah many martial arts (particularly ones kids go into), include both individual results and team points at competition time. That's why Iowa or Penn State win the NCAA wrestling tournament nearly every year. Their guys do very well individually, so their team gets more points.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by zebrafish »

goodenoughinvestor wrote:Davebo: Your son is very lucky to have a father who is not only involved in his life but willing to ask questions, admit mistakes and rethink parenting issues when something seems "off." So, whether or not he ends up being into sports, he is likely to turn out just fine because of your attitude.
I have 2 kids. One didn't like competitive sports. She likes dance. She never liked playing ball of any kind. She has the wrong personality to allow me to be her coach (I can barely help her with homework-- she's pretty oppositional). My other daughter is competitive, likes playing catch and games of all sorts. She is very coachable and likes having me coach her team. Fortunately, I have been coaching her for soccer team for over 2 years. I feel very lucky I had one child with whom I could share my love of soccer and sports. She may change her mind tomorrow, but I'm happy for today and will enjoy the ride while it lasts.

I think you have to play the hand you're dealt, so I go cheer my one daughter at her dance performances and cheer the other when she scores goals. Fortunately, it seems like you have the self awareness to guide you. I see some kids who can be coached by their dads/moms and some who cannot. I don't think there is a way to change this.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by Rodc »

But overall, he’d rather ride his bike and chase rabbits...
Man, that sounds about perfect!

Why not just ride bikes and chase rabbits with him if you want father/son activities? Or if you live somewhere safe enough just let him explore on his own.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by sscritic »

zebrafish wrote: I have 2 kids. One didn't like competitive sports. She likes dance. ... My other daughter is competitive, likes playing catch and games of all sorts. ... I feel very lucky I had one child with whom I could share my love of soccer and sports.

I think you have to play the hand you're dealt, so I go cheer my one daughter at her dance performances and cheer the other when she scores goals.
I am glad you cheer both. My only suggestion is that you try and learn more about dance, then that daughter will feel very lucky she has a parent with whom she can share her love of dance.

Get it? It's not her job to share your loves; it's your job to try to share her loves. I didn't follow ice skating until my daughter was an ice skater. We got books, we watched the US National and the Olympics, and we even went to the US Nationals and to the Winter Olympics. On the most recent DWTS, she was cheering for the ice dancers who were competing, even if she stopped skating 24 years ago. Your daughter's loves will continue throughout her life; I know you want to be part of them.

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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by sscritic »

P.S. They can share your love without playing. My SIL loves baseball and bleeds Dodger Blue. The girls all know that his favorite player is Clayton Kershaw and their mom's is Yasiel Puig. The girls don't like playing baseball, but they watch the games on TV. They love going to the games at Dodger Stadium. They went to spring training and got many autographs, including Matt Kemp (a tough one) and Ned Colletti. Their success depending in part on being polite: they called Mr. Kemp Mr. Kemp, unlike everyone else there.
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davebo
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by davebo »

Rodc wrote:
But overall, he’d rather ride his bike and chase rabbits...
Man, that sounds about perfect!

Why not just ride bikes and chase rabbits with him if you want father/son activities? Or if you live somewhere safe enough just let him explore on his own.
I don't want people to think that this is consuming our household. We let our kids do what interests them and, if he’s outside messing around with his brother, I don’t walk up to them and start pestering them to start playing soccer with me or practice drills. He loves riding his bike and going to the park, he loves math, he loves running, and that’s stuff that we do with him. I more brought it up to try to brainstorm some of the root causes why there might be a disconnect somewhere. He says he wants to play soccer, he gets pumped to go to soccer, he practices well, and then he acts disinterested on the field. I already had decided that I wasn’t going to coach again next year, but just looking for some other input.

I actually think I know, partially, what the reason might be. I think it’s a combination of being more of a “thinker” combined with being cautious. My other son just does stuff without thinking (this can be troublesome at times), but thinks first and acts second.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by skinner »

I'm 45, have 2 boys, ages 8 and 6. The bottom line is I think we need to let kids progress at their own pace and have fun. Your son may not be ready yet - 3 years from now, he may be a stud - who knows? I think the major problem, however, is organized youth sports today - the push that these programs put our kids through. I have a lot of concerns about youth sports in today's world and what it has evolved into (and all the money/costs/business associated with it). I think this article sums up my concerns much better than I can:

http://www.csmonitor.com/The-Culture/Fa ... -is-adults

Don't get me wrong, I think sports are extremely important for the development of a youngster - in that they help teach work ethic, playing in a team environment, learning from a competitive atmosphere ("winning"/"losing") - the list goes on and on. I just worry that sports, for youngsters, has become too formalized by parents (with the best intentions) - in that we project on our kids what sports are supposed to be. Do you remember just playing as a kid with your friends to dusk? I ended up lettering in 3 varsity sports in high school - we didn't have all these travel teams, going here and there to find competition in another state. We just played and played to have fun. (Wish I had studied more, but that's another issue.)

My second kid is a lot more athletic than the first - it just comes naturally for him. We've been trying as well to find a sport that our older son will like and be able to compete and have fun in. Then I have to remind myself that he's only in 2nd grade and that kids progress, regress, and excel at their own paces - some in their later years. Let's remember that Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team and became the greatest player of all time (no one better say Lebron). Jordan loved baseball as a kid - did his playing and experimenting with baseball make him any less of a basketball player? I played football with a guy that made it to the NFL - he didn't play organized football until his junior year of high school. To the contrary, I can't tell you how many friends I had growing up, that excelled too early in sports, then dropped them - doing little with their lives later on.

I recently discussed with my wife about putting our oldest in soccer in the Fall. She advised that he probably wouldn't make the team - as they have tryouts. 3rd grade tryouts? This just seems crazy to me. I coach my kids' teams and I think its great that we all want to be a part of their youth - but I think we need to let them be kids too. I have two friends that were actually writing kids' names down to "draft" them for next years' baseball season. I told them we should take the less developed kids, so that we'd have more room for improvement. Let's face it, none of our kids are playing professionally - but my hope is that sports will make our youth better young men and women later in life.

So again, I suggest you let him progress at his own pace - as I am with my oldest. Don't get wrapped up with this league, or that travel team, or this program... The best thing I read once was to not tell your kid he or she did "good," played well, had a good game, etc., but was simply to tell them that you like to watch them play - That's it.

I think its great that you have these concerns and you recognize that you don't want to push him too much. Wish you guys the best of luck through the years!
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by Rodc »

He says he wants to play soccer, he gets pumped to go to soccer, he practices well, and then he acts disinterested on the field.
It seems to be with what little data I have (not much) that some kids, people really, like practice, like learning, but don't so much like "performing". That might be him. Or it might be that games are too slow. In practice you are always doing something, like dribbling drills around cones or whatever. In games you can end up spending time at one end of the field while the action is at the other end, and that can be boring.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by BackOfTheNet »

skinner wrote:Let's remember that Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team and became the greatest player of all time (no one better say Lebron).
Sort of a nitpick but Jordan was never really cut from his team. He was put on JV as a Sophomore. I do think the rest of your comment is spot on.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by sjb19 »

My son is almost 7 and I can relate, fortunately without the father/coach dynamic that is definitely complicating your situation. They start soccer young around here, so I have a few years of experience watching him.

His first year he was a ball of energy and very aggressive to the ball after a brief period of trepidation about playing with strangers. His next year he seemed much more timid, almost to the point of looking like he was avoiding the ball, but he swore he still loved playing. This year, he moved up in age group and played with a few kids with travel team experience (ridiculous at this age, I know). It was immediately clear he wasn't actually regressing the previous year, he was just the only one listening to his coach about spacing, playing your position, routes to the ball. What looked like laziness the previous year when every other player crowded around the ball, actually seemed like smart play this year and produced what looked to my untrained eye like a reasonably watchable version of soccer.

Point being, I was a bad judge of his enjoyment and engagement level. He had way more going on in his head than I gave him credit for. As long as your son says he wants to play, I would take him at his word.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by retiredjg »

davebo wrote:He says he wants to play soccer, he gets pumped to go to soccer, he practices well, and then he acts disinterested on the field.... I think it’s a combination of being more of a “thinker” combined with being cautious.
For some reason, these statements made me wonder if he isn't seeing things very well.

Or if he doesn't yet have the fast eye/foot reflexes/coordination that might be required more for a game than for practice.

I used to work with a guy who could see, interpret, and physically react to a situation faster than I could even understand what I was seeing. Some people have it, some don't, and maybe some are still developing it at your young son's age.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by island »

"He practices well"
What does practice consist of? More drills, more energetic, focused or social activity, less competitive, less audience? What does he like about it? Maybe he likes the bits and pieces, but finds the actual game a long bore? Or maybe he's burned out on it come game time? Lots of variables, but probably not worth over analyzing.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by jlawrence01 »

When I was a kid, one of the fathers would go to the end of the cul-de-dac and pitch a tennis ball to all the kids on a street aged 6-14. The small kids would get a light underhand throw. The older kids would get a real pitch. After a while, the kids started doing the pitching. Since we were expected to be out of the house ALL summer from 8-5 with a break for lunch, we manages to play nearly any game known to mankind. And mostly adult-free.

Now, everything has to be adult controlled. A kid cannot play a game where he doesn't have a coach screaming what to do. What is worse are all the parents who come to watch who have to loudly criticize the kids for every error. I quit as a volunteer umpiring in baseball because I got sick of parents screaming at their kids and others kids. To see parents screaming at a 9 year old boy who has pitched FOUR innings and can no longer get the ball over the plate is criminal.

The OTHER problem that I had was that MOST leagues in larger cities are geared to separate the "good" kids from the "bad" kids talent wise at an earlier and earlier age. In my town, they started cutting kids as young as 10 years old. If you are a late developer, you don't get a chance to play and never get back in some of the leagues.

Honestly, I was in college intermurals before I ever had an honest chance to play competitive sports. Since no one knew how "bad" I was, I ws put in the lineup.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by RobInCT »

What sort of "coaching" are 6 year olds getting? I thought sports at that age were about learning listening skills, good sportsmanship, and very basic rules of a game? Please don't be a psycho. Congratulate him when he listens to instructions, puts on his uniform without being reminded, or offers to help clean up the equipment after practice is over without being asked.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by sscritic »

Games are for the after game snacks. Does he get to help decide what to bring on the days you are the snack guy? Does he show interest in the snacks the other parents bring? Snacks are the true meaning of organized team sports for 5 and 6 year olds. That is the advantage of team sports; when you are in ballet, no one brings snacks for the whole class.

OK, birthdays are different. Usually the parent will bring cupcakes for everyone. That's one perk of hanging out with my grandkids at the Y, although I don't always get a cupcake.
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Re: How To Encourage A Young (Sensitive) Child In Sports

Post by nakedbird226 »

Calm Man wrote: You should not coach your own son. Are you kidding? You are his father. So I suggest giving him the opportunity to play for a coach that is not his father.
This. When parents coach their own children some sort of issue always comes up. My dad coached me when I was younger and I felt like I had a lot of pressure on me to do well so he wouldn't be disappointed. It just isn't a good situation for a young kid to be in. Let someone else coach him. Why not try just being a supportive parent on the sideline regardless of what happens on the field? Whether you believe so or not, being the coach of your own kid can be difficult situation for the child.
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