Elope to Save Money?

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Meg77
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Elope to Save Money?

Post by Meg77 »

My fiance and I are in the early stages of wedding planning, and we are discussing the possibility of eloping. By "elope" I mean that we would simply get married on our honeymoon (in Hawaii) and not have guests at our wedding. Basically we'd pay for the same honeymoon we'd otherwise plan, and tack on $1500 or so to get married while there (the lower end cost of a wedding in Hawaii from what I can gather - includes an hour of photography and music, an officiant, transport to get the license, some flowers, etc). Obviously from a purely financial point of view this seems to be the way to go. Well, besides the courthouse on the way out of town.

The alternative would be a small but elegant afternoon wedding with 35-40 people (half immediate family, half closest friends) here in Dallas before we jet off to Hawaii. That's do-able, and we have the money, but even that would cost $15K - $20K (from a casual dinner the night before to a basic photographer, simple flowers, white cake and nice pouffy dress, open bar and food at a nice venue for 3-4 hours, basic music, etc). And after all the stress and expense we (read: I) would still feel like we were scrimping by not inviting our 78 extended relatives or doing anything as nice as our friends and family members have done wedding-wise (my best friend is getting married in Italy next year, his is marrying in Napa in the fall; my sis just had a $60K wedding for 200 ppl, my other friend had a blowout at the Mansion on Turtle Creek and hired a celebrity wedding planner, and so on).

And my parents have actually been encouraging us to consider this option. They gave us $50K for the wedding already, and we are using it as a down payment on a new home next month (my other sisters all got the same amount). Two of my sisters (and two cousins) already got married in the last 9 months, plus my grandfather died, plus my other sister had the first baby - so bottom line we have all done plenty of celebrating, traveling, eating and drinking over the last year as a family. So no one really cares whether I have a big wedding or not (though all have assured me they will come with bells on to celebrate in any way we want).

So we'd save money, avoid 6 months of fairly constant stress, and not offend any family members. Seems like a no-brainer right? On the other hand, a marriage is a rite of passage, a major life event worth pausing to celebrate. And I can't help but feel like it wouldn't be as "real" or that I'd be being cheap as opposed to frugal to just not do anything at all. No gifts, no bridesmaids sqealing, no walk down an aisle - just common sense and a fatter bank account. I mean we could do an open house / celebration of our marriage party later on...but it isn't the same. Still, I doubt I'd really regret not doing it later; everybody I know who has been through it says at least half jokingly that they wish they'd just eloped at some point. And we'd have an AMAZING honeymoon to remember.

Any thoughts one way or another on this?
"An investment in knowledge pays the best interest." - Benjamin Franklin
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Boglenaut
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by Boglenaut »

Meg,

I sent you a PM so you know to check.
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zebrafish
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by zebrafish »

My spouse and I were married by a "pastor" at the local Ethical Society in our shorts/T-shirts. We had a small dinner at a nice restaurant for immediate family a few weeks later. We aren't the "type" to have a giant wedding. All-in-all, it cost us about 750 bucks. We used our money to take a nice vacation/honeymoon and put a down payment on a house. Fast-forward about 10 years, we don't regret this one bit. My mother is still a little bitter about it, but it wasn't her wedding!

My advice: do what feels right to you.
Last edited by zebrafish on Fri Oct 25, 2013 5:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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CABob
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by CABob »

I doubt that anyone can give useful advice since you are the one that has to be satisfied with the choice. Of course, when my daughters got married I was told that the people that had to be satisfied were the mother of the bride and the photographer. I can appreciate the first, but I'm not so sure about the second. From strickly a financial point of view very few could justify a big wedding, but, they are still very popular despite this fact.
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ryuns
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by ryuns »

The issue of "guestlist creep" is probably the biggest reason people decide they want to elope. We have the same issue. Started with about 50, then we did the whole "but if you invite that person, you have to invite that other person", and then my mom got a hold of the list, etc. And now it's 90 people. Once you pass 50, you're in "wedding venue" territory, and can't very well shoehorn people into our semi-urban backyard (which was our first choice--a big blowout at our place.) The way you describe it, it does seem like a no-brainer. Yes, you get everyone together and yes, it probably does mean something to someone, but it also means there are a lot of people flying or driving a long ways to see you walk down the aisle and then see you for 5 minutes. I honestly hate the thought of any of my friends paying a good sum to see me for half a day when they could have used that same ticket to hang out for another week. It also means being further from your financial goals.

I will add, however, and this is totally optimistic projecting from someone in the midst of planning for said wedding with 90: It really doesn't have to be that big of a deal. It tends to become that way for people, but guests really don't care. In fact, most of them don't want the same spotless wedding with the same music anyway. That's kind of the deal we made ourselves: it isn't going to be an unpleasant experience for us, and we're going to do something that actually gives us some time to spend with our guests. For the former, a low key venue, eschewing most traditions, and personalities that really don't worry about the details. For the latter, the venue has cabins for 60 and we're staying all weekend, so everyone gets plenty of time to hang out. (And doesn't have to be too expensive--should run in the $10-15k range all in, assuming we don't ask our weekend guests to chip in for lodging. But that's with a budget photog, bulk flowers from farmer's market with thrift store vases, an antique ring, consignment store dress, beer donated by my brother's brewery, etc.) If it weren't for all that, I think we'd elope as well.

Congratulations of course, and good luck on your decision!
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered. -- GK Chesterton
mlipps
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by mlipps »

Hi Meg. Your twin the other Meg again. Had the same thought process. We had a 35 person wedding with an initial budget of $4,500 and spent $9,100. Oops. I'm glad we did it but can definitely relate to your sentiment that if you're spending thy much you might as well just invite everyone because the incremental cost isn't all that much. At the end of the day, it was really perfect and I wouldn't change anything, except not inviting my dumb brother in law who didn't bother to come...but seriously, I'm glad we didn't end up eloping. Only you can understand how much a wedding means to you though, and knowing from your prior posts that you are in a good place financially, I wouldn't make the decision to elope just to be frugal.

Oh, and I didn't personally find planning your all that stressful besides a cake mishap and my husband trying to "help" by asking me questions the week before that I had tried and failed to get input on months before...otherwise it was fun and not that bad. 35 people is nothing like 200.
123
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by 123 »

It really depends on your family and friends and how accepting they are of your plans. My spouse and I are very private people. We "eloped" and did the courthouse route. Our friends and family were all very accepting of the way we did it, it was a natural for us. It was 20 years ago and we've had no regrets about the way we did it. For us a formal wedding event just didn't fit our style.

Your wedding has to fit your lifestyle. Your narrative sounds like a rationalization of an economic decision you may regret.
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Quickfoot
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by Quickfoot »

We did, the "wedding" is a party that isn't even for you, it's for everyone else. It isn't fun,it's stressful, expensive, and time consuming. Far better to save that 20-30K and invest it or use it to pay for starting your life.
stan1
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by stan1 »

As with all these types of questions do what feels right to you -- not what you think society or family expects, unless those are important to you. There are far more important things in life to worry about. Eloping is not a "lesser" marriage unless you convince yourself that it is.
Warning: I am about 80% satisficer (accepting of good enough) and 20% maximizer
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roymeo
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by roymeo »

Background: I eloped. In an alley behind a grocery store because one of the witnesses (a friend) was working at the store at the time. (It was an organic grocery, at least.) It was a day later than we planned, because the bride had possible food poisoning the night before we were going to do it, so we just called the officiant and his wife (the other witness) (I married them a couple years before, ~125 person affair) and told them we'd wait. Our 'wedding photos' consist of something less than 30 pictures, many of them people signing pieces of paper, none of them traditional. Afterwards we went out to an upscale-for-small-town restaurant (except for the guy who had to go back to work), and then hung out with the officiant-witness couple who'd bought a cake and 2 6's of good beer at a standard grocery store. We did drive several states away to do this, because we had some vacation time, because it's where we met and were friends for several years, and because I knew the marriage laws of that state better. At some point we talked about going across the street from our apartment to the jewelry handcrafter who made rings to fit your finger not perfectly round things, but eventually realized our inability to get up the energy to do it meant we really didn't care and both felt like we work with our hands too much to want that distraction.


So, I support eloping, or at least letting what you want trump modern tradition. You don't have to do what I did by any means, but getting on the wedding train is hardly the only option.


I'd like to just point out that your small-but-elegant option lists a bunch of "Invented in the 20th Century" wedding traditions like cake, flowers, hired photographer, etc. Of course you should do what you want to do and can afford, I just encourage you to question what the value-add is. Cake, what is it good for? etc.

Of course some people have the desire and resources for blowouts that people remember vividly many, many years later.

You mention "rite of passage"...I guess that depends on how you (BOTH!!!)(!!!!!) feel that signing the papers is changing your relationship. We didn't really feel like it was, though we appreciated the legal benefits. Since that time, we've never been asked to pull out a certificate to prove we're married, you just start saying you are and you are. (Unless one of you is from another country, or things get ugly and you bring in lawyers.) Marriage appears to be mostly just a social hallucination. Far more important is for you (BOTH!!!!!!!) to agree what it means to you, feel the other has the same commitment, and feel comfortable with it. The conversations will have or (hopefully) have already had matter more than anything else in my post.

roymeo

-----

edit to add: I'll admit my memory isn't perfect, I'm male (if you think that matters), I'm sometime officiating so more worried about playing my role, and I haven't been looking at other people's weddings for 'what to do', but I can't recall a single wedding menu or flower arrangement, etc. and can only remember one cake: one mixed-gender couple that I married that had a giant set of cupcakes laid out with frosting in rainbow colors and made a statement about assuaging their guilt for taking advantage of the institution which their same-sex coupled friends could not.

Most '20th Century Traditional' details won't be noticed & remembered by someone that isn't in the business unless you really do something spectacularly different, screw it up or make a political statement with it.
Last edited by roymeo on Fri Oct 25, 2013 7:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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bottlecap
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by bottlecap »

We decided to have a big wedding. It was fun, although it was a blur. In the end, I'm glad we did it for our friends and loved ones - they still talk about it years later. We did everything as cheap as we could, but didn't go chincy, either. I don't know where you live, but $15-20k for 40 people is about 6 times more expensive per person as our wedding, and we had an open bar for 6 hours. Now it was 6 or 7 years ago, but that still seems like a lot.

A wedding can't be justified by it's cost, really. It's more what you want to do for your friends and family, if anything. I would figure out what you want to do, run it by your parents (they gave you the money after all) and make a decision.

DON'T tell people you will elope and have a party or open house afterwards, because in all likelihood you won't once life sets in, then it will look like you didn't have a wedding to save money!

Good luck,

JT
Easy Rhino
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by Easy Rhino »

ryuns wrote:The issue of "guestlist creep" is probably the biggest reason people decide they want to elope.
We also considered it a couple of years ago. It all seemed like such a waste to spend so much money. Even with our parents both helping, we were still the ones directly paying the bills for it! and a big hassle. Eventually, we decided "well, I want my family there, and you want your family there, so we might as well do a full wedding".

We ended up with a fairly standard wedding with most of the trappings, but some serious cost saving options, for like $18k. Cost cutting included doing it at a Navy base venue (a friend sponsored us), the officiant was my wife's boss, a single person for floral and having cousins' help, a friend for hairstyling, a cousin photographer, a cousin DJ.... good thing my wife has a lot of cousins with skills! But we still had a flowers and a reception and a rehearsal dinner and all that. We also managed to pull it together in 3-4 months, which felt like quite an achievement.

importantly: Do whatever you want.

Your "small-but-elegant" idea still has all the trappings of a larger wedding. And all the planning hassles. It's not much harder to throw a bigger wedding, just more expensive. (Big cost savings come from things like: no food, no booze, a cheap venue, a cheap photographer.)

The fact that you wrote "small-but-elegant" makes me suspect that at some level that you'd like to have a wedding with all the trappings. many of which are admittedly fun.

Especially the booze.
MoonOrb
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by MoonOrb »

If it were my choice I would probably have the ceremony in front of a small group of family and friends, throw a party afterwards, and go without the expensive dress, flowers, photographer, limo, tuxes, and most of the other stuff that makes the ceremony expensive. For the party I'd load up at Costco, have people bring stuff, and try to do it all for under a grand.

I like the elope option except that I'd be sad not having the ceremony in front of family and friends, even it was a low key ceremony where people could wear jeans and flipflops.

But I would be tempted to treat it as nothing more than "we're throwing this kickass party and before it starts come see us get married in a pretty informal ceremony."
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greg24
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by greg24 »

I agree with others that the #1 thing is the wedding needs to suit what you want.

That said, you are kidding yourself if you think there won't be any disappointed family members if you elope.

If cost is the major issue, have a casual wedding in a local forest preserve. Don't provide food or music. Just a friend performing the ceremony.
stoptothink
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by stoptothink »

I'm getting married in January. It is the second marriage for both of us, both of us had very large weddings the first time around that we did not want. We are having a religious ceremony, with just our immediate family, and then having a small dinner at her grandparent's house. About 25 people total. My best friend, who is not coming to the wedding, is going to throw a BBQ with our closest friends a few weeks later when we spend a week in California for the pseudo-honeymoon.

There were ~200 people at my reception the first time and I still received a ton of emails and phone calls from people who were offended they were not invited. It was a major stress and point of contention between me, my ex-wife and her family for almost a year while it was being planned. In the end I spent over $15k on a huge party that I wanted no part of and received less than $500 in gifts (that is not a typo). So glad I don't have to worry about any of that again.
Last edited by stoptothink on Fri Oct 25, 2013 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
gkaplan
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by gkaplan »

My brother at one time worked for a company that did business in the former Soviet Union, and he made three business trips there. On the third and last business trip, he stopped in Chicago, where we grew up, on the way back to Santa Monica, where he lived. He and a friend who lived in Chicago spent an evening in Old Town, and his friend invited a good woman friend along. My brother and this woman virtually ignored each other, and my brother flew back to Santa Monica the next morning. Something must have clicked, however, because they started calling each other long distance almost daily. A week later this woman left her six-year old son with her mother and flew out to Santa Monica. Several days later they drove to Las Vegas to get married. They wanted to avoid the hassles of a wedding. This did not sit well with either my parents or her mother, so they wound up having a formal wedding back in Chicago two months later.

This was thirty five years ago, and they still are married.
Last edited by gkaplan on Fri Oct 25, 2013 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by nordlead »

My wife's family didn't have a lot of money (traditional wife's family pays for the wedding deal), so we had a very cheap wedding. Got a professional photographer friend to do it for $300 (instead of the normal $1k starting price), no DJ, just outdoor speakers and a mix I had access too, rented a stone church with stained glass windows for a few hundred, and gave a gift of $100 to the pastor (who was also a friend). $20/plate for food. I think we had ~100 people, so all in all I think it came to roughly $3500 (8 years ago, so you'd probably have a hard time hitting that low now). I should also add that my wife made the decorations/favors and bought most of them with 50% of coupons to Michaels. However, every person who attended made comments either to us or our parents that it was a lovely wedding and really meant it (not just flattering us). We rode away on my motorcycle for our own little flair and it cost nothing.

So, you don't have to spend $15k on a wedding if you are creative, don't mind doing your own stuff, and can find some connections for cheaper services. It can be a very nice wedding too. In the end, do what will make you happy. Also keep your family in mind though, as I know my wife would be hurt if her brother eloped.
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Bulldawg
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by Bulldawg »

My wife and I eloped/honeymooned in Hawaii ( Kauai ) and some friends threw us a party when we returned. No regrets here but do have a heart to heart with your Mother and make sure she's really Ok with whatever you decide.
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Boglemama
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by Boglemama »

Meg77 wrote: On the other hand, a marriage is a rite of passage, a major life event worth pausing to celebrate. Still, I doubt I'd really regret not doing it later; everybody I know who has been through it says at least half jokingly that they wish they'd just eloped at some point. And we'd have an AMAZING honeymoon to remember.
Marriage isn't a rite of passage, marriage is a relationship between 2 people. A wedding is a life event celebrating marriage, but you can celebrate your marriage any way that you and your hubby want to.

This sentence of yours
I doubt I'd really regret not doing it later
sums up how you feel about a wedding. Unless you are the kind of person who wants to be the center of attention for a few hours and have "their special day". Some people really like that, and they look forward to the princess dream all of their lives.

I got married 7 years ago and we did the courthouse, lunch afterwards, and then a tour of Europe for 3 weeks. An AMAZING honeymoon and then we came home and had a small party at my mother in law's house. I catered. I would do it EXACTLY the same way again. I got to have it all. Family and friends, awesome trip with my beloved hubby, and it all only cost less than $1,000. For everything. (I resold wedding dress, used points to travel, had a gift certificate for a ham and did Costco for the reception)

Weddings are stressful. I have never heard of one person who stayed within their budget. Also, there is so much to be done. I would much rather spend that time, money, and energy on things that I enjoy more. You wouldn't just be saving money by eloping, but you'd also save time, energy, and stress. It sounds like you don't buy in to the wedding business hype either. A great wedding is no indicator of a great marriage. It's just a party. Celebrate your love the way that YOU want to.
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mike143
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by mike143 »

Meg77 wrote:My fiance and I are in the early stages of wedding planning, and we are discussing the possibility of eloping. By "elope" I mean that we would simply get married on our honeymoon (in Hawaii) and not have guests at our wedding.
That is exactly what my sister did. The planning and trying to make everyone happy was tearing them apart. They truly eloped, no one was invited. I wanted to elope but my wife wanted a wedding, good thing we didn't pay for most of it, if we were/did we would have eloped.
Nothing is free, someone pays...You can't spend your way to financial freedom.
cbeck
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by cbeck »

By all means elope. Expensive weddings are an extraordinary waste of money. It's just a party. Parties are not the important part of life. And they're usually miserable affairs with people pissed off at each other because this or that is not perfect or someone is not filling a role the way it is supposed to be.

Our wedding cost $700 and consisted of dinner with friends and family at a local restaurant. The ceremony was just a plain one at the city hall at 9:00 AM so we didn't invite people to that. People enjoyed the dinner. As it happened one friend brought a camera so we did get some pictures.

The wedding industry in the US has persuaded people that weddings are some kind of important rite of passage when they are just the most egregious example of wasteful, conspicuous consumption. A young couple should use their resources at that age to prepare their future and not waste it in an attempt to gain face.
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Toons
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by Toons »

Elope :happy
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stoptothink
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by stoptothink »

cbeck wrote:
The wedding industry in the US has persuaded people that weddings are some kind of important rite of passage when they are just the most egregious example of wasteful, conspicuous consumption. A young couple should use their resources at that age to prepare their future and not waste it in an attempt to gain face.
You mean the $6100 dress that my ex-wife just had to have (and she got after a month of arguing) and that was worn once for about an hour was a waste? Should have been my first sign that we had different priorities.

All in, the second one is going to cost us less than $400 (food for 25 cooked by my parents and her $70 dress); the cake and my ex's shoes alone were that much the first time around.
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joe8d
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by joe8d »

The wedding industry in the US has persuaded people that weddings are some kind of important rite of passage when they are just the most egregious example of wasteful, conspicuous consumption. A young couple should use their resources at that age to prepare their future and not waste it in an attempt to gain face.
+1
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LazyNihilist
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by LazyNihilist »

cbeck wrote:The wedding industry in the US has persuaded people that weddings are some kind of important rite of passage when they are just the most egregious example of wasteful, conspicuous consumption.
It's a global phenomenon. Also, there is the peer pressure of having a wedding at least as good as your friends/family.
The strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must -Thucydides
lillypie
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by lillypie »

My husband and I have probably been to about 20 weddings over the last 5 years. None of those people said they were GLAD they did it after, and most people would have skipped the whole thing. Most of them were generic and all the same even though the planners will tell you it is "special". (Ever seen "yes to the dress"...they all pick the same dress! :) )

We just got married....practically Eloped although we did invite everyone out after. (to a bar) Even planning this was stressful and annoying so I can't even imagine planning something bigger. May people were grateful and still say how much fun they had.

Elope! Smart, Smart, Smart! Enjoy your house! Skip the drama.
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Watty
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by Watty »

There is nothing wrong with an inexpensive wedding.

My son got married a few weeks ago in our back yard. We live in a typical suburban house but luckily we have a huge back yard since the guest list snowballed from the initial 40 to 50 to be about 120! A lot of work went into the wedding by friends and both families so the only large expenses were renting some extra tables and chairs, getting trays of food from a good local barbeque restaurant, and food and drinks from Costco. The brides mom and sisters did made the wedding cake and the photography was done by one of the brides college roommates who is a professional photographer.

Since there was no real cost pressure to keep the head count low they were able to invite as many people as they wanted so have the guest list grow was not a large expense.

I don’t have all the figures but the total cost was only a several thousand dollars. It was very informal and more like a big picnic than a traditional wedding. It also came off very nice If I do say so myself. It was in the evening and strings of lights had been put over the party area so it had a nice ambience.

It isn’t as fancy as it sounds but our subdivision has a pool with a clubhouse and we had the rehearsal dinner for about 20 people there which we did ourselves with things like lasagna.

I don’t know all the details but the bride’s family was willing and could have afforded to pay for a traditional large wedding and they had set a budget that they could use for the wedding or for the down payment on a house. It sounds like the current plan is that they will use that and some other money they had to buy a house soon and since house prices are reasonable here they will have a 20% down payment even though they are only in their mid-twenties.

Everyone is really happy with what they are doing and quietly proud that they are making such good choices.
Last edited by Watty on Fri Oct 25, 2013 11:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
russellh
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by russellh »

My wife and I got married in Hawaii, on the beach at sunset, no guests, no hassles. It was great. And we have fabulous photos to share with our families and friends.
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by beachplum »

I went to wedding this year ,where there were approximately 150 guests, at a beautiful venue in Falmouth, MA overlooking a pond. The bride's budget was about $20,000, the groom's parents may have paid for the open bar, and they paid for the rehearsal dinner. This was not a cheap style affair, nor ridiculously extravagant, and included a DJ, photographer, flowers, buffet style including chefs preparing food on the spot etc. The bride bought a dress on line for 300. Would be interested in knowing more of the details of the OP's expenditures for a small amount of guests.
Personally I'd rather not pass judgement on how people spend their money as long as they have it to spend and their not going to stress about it. Do what's going to make you happy and what you can afford.
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Watty
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by Watty »

joe8d wrote:
The wedding industry in the US has persuaded people that weddings are some kind of important rite of passage when they are just the most egregious example of wasteful, conspicuous consumption. A young couple should use their resources at that age to prepare their future and not waste it in an attempt to gain face.
+1
I think that part of it is related to the decline in organized religion and the religious part of the wedding ceremony being a big right of passage in itself. With so many couples that have been living together first now the wedding night is hardly a right of passage for most couples today.
rjbraun
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by rjbraun »

Watty wrote:There is nothing wrong with an inexpensive wedding.

My son got married a few weeks ago in our back yard. We live in a typical suburban house but luckily we have a huge back yard since the guest list snowballed from the initial 40 to 50 to be about 120! A lot of work went into the wedding by friends and both families so the only large expenses were renting some extra tables and chairs, getting trays of food from a good local barbeque restaurant, and food and drinks from Costco. The brides mom and sisters did made the wedding cake and the photography was done by one of the brides college roommates who is a professional photographer.

Since there was no real cost pressure to keep the head count low they were able to invite as many people as they wanted so have the guest list grow was not a large expense.

I don’t have all the figures but the total cost was only a several thousand dollars. It was very informal and more like a big picnic than a traditional wedding. It also came off very nice If I do say so myself. It was in the evening and strings of lights had been put over the party area so it had a nice ambience.

It isn’t as fancy as it sounds but our subdivision has a pool with a clubhouse and we had the rehearsal dinner for about 20 people there which we did ourselves with things like lasagna.

I don’t know all the details but the bride’s family was willing and could have afforded to pay for a traditional large wedding and they had set a budget that they could use for the wedding or for the down payment on a house. It sounds like the current plan is that they will use that and some other money they had to buy a house soon and since house prices are reasonable here they will have a 20% down payment even though they are only in their mid-twenties.

Everyone is really happy with what they are doing and quietly proud that they are making such good choices.
Sounds like a very nice and personal affair. What was the plan in case of rain? Did you have party tents or something on reserve, to protect guests from inclement weather? Outdoor gatherings can be great but I worry about bad weather spoiling things.
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plantingourpennies
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by plantingourpennies »

Mrs. PoP and I eloped to Mexico, got married on a catamaran by a boat captain in the sea of cortez. It was great, and we did have a very small (15 people) party at our house about a month afterwards.

If you are the type of person who feels the pressures of society, your family, his family, the dog, eloping may not be for you. Then again, if you're still worried about what other people think, you're going to have a tough time no matter what...

best,
Mr. PoP
YttriumNitrate
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by YttriumNitrate »

Meg77 wrote:My fiance and I are in the early stages of wedding planning, and we are discussing the possibility of eloping. By "elope" I mean that we would simply get married on our honeymoon (in Hawaii) and not have guests at our wedding.
This is a generally good idea, but your parents and siblings will probably want to come see you get married so consider changing it from "eloping" to having a "destination wedding" in Hawaii. Basically, the extra expense would just be a small reception for maybe 30 or 40 some people after the wedding which figuring $100 a person should run less than $5k.

One of the true beauties of a destination wedding is that you can invite all of your closest friends and all of your immediate family (70-80 people by your count) and expect that a good number of them will not attend due to the cost of getting to the wedding. This avoids so much of the drama about who got invited and who didn't. I got married two years ago at a destination wedding and while well over 100 people were invited 30 people attended.
furwut
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by furwut »

Weddings are social occasions that become part of the glue that binds us together. But they don't have to be elaborate productions that leave someone shelling out tens of thousands of dollars - apologies to all wedding planners, caterers, and photographers.

Have you considered having a wedding picnic? Reserve some space at nearby park. Enlist your friends in organizing activities for the young and old. Scavenger hunts (find the wedding ring :) ), square dancing, volleyball. Instead of crappy wedding gifts received in triplicate just have guests bring a covered dish.

Make it a fun DAY instead of a boring hour at a church followed by 2 hours of so-so food at a venue and boy I can't wait to get home and out of these shoes affair.
sesq
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by sesq »

Not a huge fan of destination weddings. It adds a lot of expense to your guests, and some will come just to honor you. Also, does nothing to escape the wedding industrial complex.

I like your original idea of a small family gathering. You can easily downgrade the dress and frills (you're the bride) to meet your ethos, and both sides of the family will get to feel they participated.

I suggested eloping, was shot down. We tried for the 60 person affair, got pushed to add "one more guest", which breached the damn on my whole extended family. 185 invites later, we had 120, ran us a bit over 10K ten years ago. It was a fun blur, but as I tell everyone who is engaged "being married is much better than being engaged."
ginyah
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by ginyah »

My nephew and his wife had a small ceremony at a local park and then did a BBQ for all the relatives and friends. It was a cost effective way of having a 'shindig' without the big price tag and they were able to invite everyone they wanted. If you don't care about all the fancy details I would think that Texas would be the perfect place to do a BBQ party/reception. Just a thought.
scone
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by scone »

We eloped to my husband's country, Australia. I didn't tell my family because I knew there would be trouble when they found out-- they did and there was! I almost literally grabbed my wedding dress on the way to the airport-- it didn't fit, and when I tried to fix it, I ruined it. Oops. I wanted to have the wedding in a garden, and somehow that was interpreted as a rest stop on the closest highway. I couldn't find a musician or photographer at short notice, but fortunately my BIL brought a tape player and took some snaps. There were only carnations at the shop, so the florist and I waded into a nearby stream to collect cattails (that was the best part, actually).

My MIL was miffed because she didn't get to boss every detail of the process (and still "mentions" it). The other guests, many of whom were friends of my MIL, so she could show off, were horrified because I made the reception food. Featuring gazpacho. They hated it. Oops. My crazy father showed up at the last minute, got drunk, and... well, I'll just leave that to your imagination. My MIL insisted on booking the honeymoon hotel, but they double booked our room, so we spent our wedding night in their staff dormitory with a group bathroom down the hall. The next day they had no space, so we drove until we found a dive motel that smelled of urine and mice...

So, a mega comedy of errors. Looking back, we should have gotten married at the courthouse, and I should have booked a nice relaxing honeymoon on the Aussie beach... Oh, well. But our marriage, 23 years later, is still going strong. And dear MIL lives on the other side of the planet. :D
"My bond allocation is the amount of money that I cannot afford to lose." -- Taylor Larimore
lightheir
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by lightheir »

As a related aside, in the US there is a real 'marriage penalty tax', meaning you will pay significantly more in taxes by being married than not being married. It's on the order of 5-10% of your income, which is not insignificant.
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by travellight »

I also say do whatever feels right for you. I would be fine with eloping.

For me, I would not want that attention and cost/stress of a wedding. My wedding was about $2500. The photographer was $150, I don't even remember the cake, dress was $300, flowers $100, officiant $50, I think I had a harp player, it was held in my back yard which is pretty nice. I never even sent out formal invites, I think I called everyone and handed out flyers that I made and printed. We had a full sit down dinner for everyone afterwards which was the biggest part of the cost; it helped that I owned the restaurant. The cost otherwise may have been about 5k. We had about 50-70 guests. Overall, it was a very nice upscale and elegant event although it may not sound like it from my description above. I did not skimp when it came to my guests and treating them to great food. I cut costs on things that I don't think matter, to them or to me: envelopes, calligraphy for wedding invites, my dress, flowers, photographer.... the detailed ways and minutiae in which you can rack up costs for a wedding is astounding to me.

The whole event did not mean much to me; I'm just not into weddings. I am even less into showers; I did not have a bridal shower and no baby showers when I was pregnant either. I also clearly stated in my invites to the wedding, no gifts. I hate mandatory gifting and preferred that people just enjoy the day/event with no worry/cost/work for them.
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OAG
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by OAG »

We got married at the Consulate office of the American Embassy. Virtually $0 cost. Worked out fine as we are working on year 48 and still sticking together. IMHO expensive weddings are just a waste (as are expensive honeymoons). Go to Hawaii (or wherever) for the 25th or 50th Anniversary. Good for you guys if you use the windfall money for the home and skip the expensive wedding.
OAG=Old Army Guy. Retired CW4 USA (US Army) in 1979 21 years of service @ 38.
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leonidas
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by leonidas »

My wedding cost about 12000 in 1999. We had 112 guests which I consider a good number since our original list was about 175. I compare this to my BIL whose wedding was close to 60k for double the number of guests. That was a mistake since they got divorced the next year and we are still going strong. Good luck in life with whatever you decide.
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frugaltype
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by frugaltype »

stoptothink wrote: There were ~200 people at my reception the first time and I still received a ton of emails and phone calls from people who were offended they were not invited. It was a major stress and point of contention between me, my ex-wife and her family for almost a year while it was being planned. In the end I spent over $15k on a huge party that I wanted no part of and received less than $500 in gifts (that is not a typo). So glad I don't have to worry about any of that again.
I can't imagine complaining to someone because I wasn't invited to their wedding. What kind of manners is that.

Then again, I can't imagine counting the cost of gifts and comparing it to what was spent on the wedding.
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wilpat
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by wilpat »

I eloped in 1957, 1959, 1974, and 1986. There was a formal wedding in 1980 also. The current one (1986) is now at 27 years and going strong!
Contrary to the belief of many, profit is not a four letter word!
bta15
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by bta15 »

My wife and I decided we would get married on one of our annual vacations to Hawaii.

Both out parents had decided to go so we thought it was an opportune time. It turned out to be my dads last vacation as he was terminal with cancer. We didn't tell anybody we were getting married because a lot of people would have made the trip.

It cost $500 for the wedding planner to set up license, officiant and location.

It was kind of a unique and unfortunate circumstance but do not regret the decision.
tim1999
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by tim1999 »

If I were crazy enough to get married, I'd probably want to elope. Perhaps upon returning home, I'd get a private room in a restaurant and have a dinner for maybe 25-30 friends and family to celebrate. Of course, I would not mention the word "wedding" when booking the room, as I'm sure that automatically drives the price up.
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gardemanger
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by gardemanger »

I think people are using the word "eloping" a little more broadly than they should. Getting married very simply/informally is not "eloping." Having very few or no guests is not "eloping." Eloping is when you run off and get married in secret. You don't have to ban your family to have a simple wedding.

My wedding was a semi-double wedding. My sister and I happened to both be engaged at the same time, so we had the two weddings over a weekend (one Saturday, one Sunday) at my dad's house, (extended) family only. My dad had a grand old Victorian house which had a nice parlor and enough room for everyone to gather for the short ceremonies. People did have to travel and get hotels but they weren't subjected to any excess expense.

Almost everything was a volunteer effort by family members. Flowers were done by some artistic aunts, who actually got up at oh-dark-thirty to go to the wholesale flower market and did two different flower themes for the two days (though we didn't even ask for different flowers). Music provided by musician uncle. After Day 1 wedding the "rehearsal dinner" for both families was held at a Chinese restaurant. After Day 2 wedding we had Costco catering (their party trays look just fine when transferred to antique servers) No professional photography, we just didn't feel the need.

A few things were paid for - there were professional wedding cakes for each wedding. My sister and her husband opted for a Justice of the Peace since he is Jewish and they wanted to go strictly secular. For my wedding we asked my mom to do it, assisted by another aunt - both clergypeople - and they didn't charge us.

This would be a *much* better story if I'd stayed married...but only my sister and brother-in-law managed that. If I ever get married again, I'd strongly prefer a City Hall wedding (it helps if you live in a city with a gorgeous City Hall) with only immediate family at the actual wedding, and then a big party afterward. No Bridezilla antics.
Greentree
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by Greentree »

We had a traditional wedding ten years ago and I was glad we did it, but eloping is a good option. Especially looking back there can be so much wedding fever for no reason. I don't think you will regret it.

The only thing I will say is that it annoyed me when friends decided to elope to somewhere expensive. Basically, the total cost was the same but we the guests paid for it. Yeah you get the vacation but there is only so much time off, etc. I am more into a simple backyard wedding with a honeymoon to Hawaii.
stoptothink
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by stoptothink »

frugaltype wrote:
stoptothink wrote: There were ~200 people at my reception the first time and I still received a ton of emails and phone calls from people who were offended they were not invited. It was a major stress and point of contention between me, my ex-wife and her family for almost a year while it was being planned. In the end I spent over $15k on a huge party that I wanted no part of and received less than $500 in gifts (that is not a typo). So glad I don't have to worry about any of that again.
I can't imagine complaining to someone because I wasn't invited to their wedding. What kind of manners is that.

Then again, I can't imagine counting the cost of gifts and comparing it to what was spent on the wedding.
There have been several threads on "how much do I give as a wedding gift"? I am always blown away by the answers, most here suggest gifts the size of which is insane to me. I think most people would be dishonest if they said they had no idea what they received as gifts from their wedding; mine stuck in my head because the vast majority of those who attended my wedding (we were married in the hometown of my ex which halfway across the country from where I was from; I knew maybe 15 people there) did not bring any gift.
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roymeo
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by roymeo »

lightheir wrote:As a related aside, in the US there is a real 'marriage penalty tax', meaning you will pay significantly more in taxes by being married than not being married. It's on the order of 5-10% of your income, which is not insignificant.

Uh....

You may need to check your absolute declarations there.

roymeo
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serge
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Re: Elope to Save Money?

Post by serge »

My wife and I got married on a beach in Hawaii on New Years Eve over 12 years ago.
Cost us about $800 at the time.
Oddly enough my parents were pissed; her's didn't care.
Mine have gotten over it.

As has been said before do what you want.

Those pissed will get over it.
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